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James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Això és el que passa quan respons als correus fraudulents
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Correus sospitosos: bons d'assegurança no reclamats, caixes fortes amb diamants incrustats, amics propers abandonats en un país estranger... Apareixen a la nostra safata d'entrada, i el procediment estàndard és esborrar-los tan bon punt els veiem. Però què passa si respons? Ho descobrim amb l'escriptor i humorista James Veitch, que narra de manera hilarant el seu intercanvi de correus durant setmanes amb un estafador per correu que li oferia un gran negoci.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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Fa uns quants anys,
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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em va arribar un d'aquests correus brossa.
Havia aconseguit passar
el meu filtre de "spam".
el meu filtre de "spam".
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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No estic gaire segur de com,
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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però va acabar a la meva safata d'entrada,
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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i era d'un noi que es deia
Solomon Odonkoh.
Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
00:26
I know.
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Ho sé.
00:27
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
00:28
It went like this:
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Anava així:
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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hi posava, "Hola James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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tinc una proposta de negoci
que vull compartir amb tu, Salomon."
que vull compartir amb tu, Salomon."
La mà em rondava
el botó d'esborrar, sí?
el botó d'esborrar, sí?
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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Em vaig quedar mirant el telèfon,
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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pensant que podia simplement eliminar-lo.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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O podia fer el que tots
sempre hem volgut fer.
00:46
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
I li vaig dir, "Solomon,
el teu correu m'intriga."
el teu correu m'intriga."
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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00:52
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
00:55
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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I el joc ja havia començat!
Ell va respondre,
"Benvolgut James Veitch,
"Benvolgut James Veitch,
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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t'enviarem or."
01:08
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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"Guanyaràs el 10%
de tot l'or que reparteixis"
de tot l'or que reparteixis"
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
Vaig saber que tractava
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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amb un professional.
01:17
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Li vaig dir, "Quant costa?"
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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Va respondre: "Començaríem
amb una quantitat modesta"
amb una quantitat modesta"
01:27
I was like, aww --
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vaig pensar, ohh,
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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i va seguir "...de 25kgs."
01:31
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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"El valor seria d'uns
2,5 milions de dòlars."
2,5 milions de dòlars."
Vaig dir-li "Solomon,
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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si ho hem de fer,
entrem per la porta gran.
entrem per la porta gran.
01:42
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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Ho puc gestionar.
Quant or teniu?"
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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Va dir-me: "No és una qüestió
de quant d'or tenim,
de quant d'or tenim,
el que compta és de quant
et pots encarregar.
et pots encarregar.
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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Podem començar amb 50kg
com un enviament de prova."
com un enviament de prova."
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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Vaig dir "50kg?
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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No té sentit fer-ho a no ser que
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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me n'enviïs almenys una tona."
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
02:11
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Ell va contestar,
"Com et guanyes la vida?"
"Com et guanyes la vida?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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I jo: "Sóc administrador
d'inversions d'alt risc d'un banc."
d'inversions d'alt risc d'un banc."
02:22
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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No és la meva primera vegada
amb lingots d'or, amic meu,
amb lingots d'or, amic meu,
02:29
no no no.
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no, no, no.
Llavors vaig entrar en pànic.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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Vaig dir: "On tens la seu?
02:35
I don't know about you,
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No sé tu,
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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però crec que si ho enviem
per correu,
per correu,
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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hauria de ser certificat.
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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És un munt d'or."
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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Va dir: "No serà fàcil
convèncer la meva empresa
convèncer la meva empresa
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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de fer un enviament tan gran."
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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Vaig dir: "Solomon,
tens tot el meu suport.
tens tot el meu suport.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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Estic creant un recurs visual
perquè ho presentis
a la reunió amb els directors.
a la reunió amb els directors.
02:52
Hold tight."
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Agafa't!"
02:54
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Això vaig enviar a en Solomon.
03:03
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
03:05
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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No sé si tenim algun estadístic a la sala,
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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però per algun punt es comença.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Vaig dir: "Solomon,
adjunt a aquest correu
adjunt a aquest correu
trobaràs un gràfic que t'ajudarà.
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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Un dels meus ajudants
ha fet els càlculs.
ha fet els càlculs.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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Podem gestionar tant d'or
com ens pugueu enviar."
com ens pugueu enviar."
Per en Solomon, aquest era el punt
per tocar la teva fibra sensible.
per tocar la teva fibra sensible.
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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Va dir: "Estaré molt content
si aquest negoci tira endavant,
si aquest negoci tira endavant,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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ja que també aconseguiré
una bona comissió."
una bona comissió."
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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I jo vaig respondre: "Increïble,
en què et gastaràs la teva part?"
en què et gastaràs la teva part?"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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Va dir: "En propietats immobiliàries.
I tu?"
I tu?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Hi vaig pensar una bona estona...
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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I vaig dir: "En una paraula:
03:53
Hummus."
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Hummus."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
04:00
"It's going places.
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"S'està expandint.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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Era al supermercat l'altre dia
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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i n'hi havia 30 varietats diferents.
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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També pots tallar pastanagues,
i sucar-les-hi.
i sucar-les-hi.
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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Ho has provat mai, Solomon?"
04:11
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Va dir: "Me n'he d'anar a dormir."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
04:18
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Fins demà,
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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dolços somnis."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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No sabia pas què dir!
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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Vaig dir: "Bonsoir,
perla daurada, bonsoir"
perla daurada, bonsoir"
04:30
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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Heu d'entendre que
això havia durat setmanes,
això havia durat setmanes,
les millors setmanes
de la meva vida,
de la meva vida,
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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però havia de baixar dels núvols.
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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Se m'escapava de les mans.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Els amics em deien:
"James, vols quedar?"
"James, vols quedar?"
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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I jo: "No puc,
espero un correu sobre l'or."
espero un correu sobre l'or."
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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Vaig concloure que ja n'hi havia prou.
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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Havia d'acabar-ho, rídiculament.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Vaig traçar un pla.
Li vaig dir: "Mira, Solomon,
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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estic preocupat per la seguretat.
04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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Quan ens escrivim,
04:55
When we email each other,
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hem de fer servir un codi."
04:56
we need to use a code."
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(Rialles)
05:00
And he agreed.
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Hi va estar d'acord.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
I vaig dir: "Solomon, he estat
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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tota la nit pensant
i he creat aquest codi.
i he creat aquest codi.
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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A partir d'ara l'hem de fer servir:
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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Advocat: Osset de goma.
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Banc: Bombó de crema.
Jurídic: Coca Cola esbravada.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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Declaració: Lacasitos.
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Documents: Caramels de goma.
Western Union:
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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Gent,
"Un llangardaix
de goma gegant."
de goma gegant."
05:22
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
Sabia que eren paraules que es fan servir.
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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I vaig afegir
"Si us plau, a partir d'ara,
refereix-te a mi com a KitKat."
refereix-te a mi com a KitKat."
05:30
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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No vaig obtenir resposta,
havia anat massa lluny.
havia anat massa lluny.
05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Havia de recular una mica.
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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Vaig escriure: "Solomon,
el tracte va endavant?
el tracte va endavant?
05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat."
05:45
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Perquè s'ha de ser consistent.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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I vaig rebre un altre correu seu.
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Deia: "L'empresa ho està valorant
i estic intentant bla, bla..."
i estic intentant bla, bla..."
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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Vaig dir: "Tio,
has de fer servir el codi!"
has de fer servir el codi!"
06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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A continuació vaig rebre
el millor mail que he rebut mai.
06:04
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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No faig broma. Això és el que
va aparèixer a la meva safata.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Va ser un bon dia.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"El tracte va endavant.
Estic intentant augmentar el balanç
per a l'Osset de goma,
per a l'Osset de goma,
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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06:18
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
i així ell podrà enviar
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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els caramelets de Coca
Cola esbravada necessaris
Cola esbravada necessaris
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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al Bombó de crema,
per a que el Lacasito
pugui començar el procès.
pugui començar el procès.
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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(Rialles)
06:32
(Laughter)
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06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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Envia 1500 lliures esterlines
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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a través del Llangardaix
06:38
(Applause)
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(Rialles)
de goma gegant.
(Aplaudiments)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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I és tant divertit, sí,
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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que em va deixar pensant:
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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Què passaria si inverteixo
tant de temps com pugui
tant de temps com pugui
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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en contestar tants correus fraudulents
com sigui possible?
com sigui possible?
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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I això és el que he estat fent
07:03
for three years
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durant tres anys
07:05
on your behalf.
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en nom vostre.
07:06
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
07:08
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
Passen coses molt rares
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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quan comences a respondre correus-estafa!
07:14
It's really difficult,
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És molt difícil,
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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i us recomano molt fer-ho.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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No penso que sigui mesquí.
Hi ha molta gent que fa coses horribles
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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als estafadors per correu.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Tot el que jo estic fent és
malgastar el seu temps.
malgastar el seu temps.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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I tot el temps que em dediquen a mi
és temps que no inverteixen
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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en estafar a adults vulnerables
tots els seus estalvis, oi?"
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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I si comenceu,
i us ho recomano molt,
i us ho recomano molt,
creeu una nova adreça de correu.
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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2011
No feu servir la vostra adreça normal.
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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Això és el que feia jo al principi,
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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i era un malson.
Em llevava al matí,
amb un milers de correus
amb un milers de correus
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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sobre allargaments de penis.
07:46
about penis enlargements,
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Només un era una legítima...
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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(Rialles)
07:49
(Laughter)
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resposta, a un dubte mèdic que tenia.
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Però us diré el què, nois,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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us diré el què:
qualsevol dia,
qualsevol dia,
qualsevol dia és un bon dia
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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si reps un correu que comença així:
08:01
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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"Em dic Winnie Mandela,
la segona dona de Nelson Mandela,
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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l'expresident de Sud Àfrica."
I jo vaig pensar, oh!
Aquesta Winnie Mandela.
Aquesta Winnie Mandela.
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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08:12
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
08:13
I know so many.
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En conec moltes.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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"Necessito transferir
45 milions de dòlars fora del país
45 milions de dòlars fora del país
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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degut a l'estat de salut
del meu marit Nelson Mandela"
del meu marit Nelson Mandela"
08:21
Let that sink in.
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1159
Recordin aquesta idea.
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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Ella m'envia això,
que és molt graciós.
que és molt graciós.
08:26
(Laughter)
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2947
(Rialles)
08:29
And this.
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I això.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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I això, que sembla bastant legítim,
i és una carta d'autorització.
i és una carta d'autorització.
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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Però per ser honestos,
no té res escrit,
no té res escrit,
és només una forma!
08:37
(Laughter)
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(Rialles)
I li dic: "Winnie,
em sap greu sentir això.
em sap greu sentir això.
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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2342
Sabent que en Nelson
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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1993
va morir ja fa 3 mesos,
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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2586
jo diria que el seu estat de salut
és crític."
és crític."
08:46
(Laughter)
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2814
(Rialles)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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Aquest és el pitjor estat de salut
en el qual es pot estar, estar mort.
en el qual es pot estar, estar mort.
Ella em va respondre
"Tingui l'amabilitat
"Tingui l'amabilitat
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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de complir amb les instruccions del banc.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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ONE LOVE [cançó de Bob Marley]."
08:59
(Laughter)
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1952
(Rialles)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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1818
I jo que li vaig dir, "O, i tant.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
[cançó de Bob Marley].
[cançó de Bob Marley].
09:04
(Laughter)
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3504
(Rialles)
09:07
(Applause)
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535695
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(Aplaudiments)
I ella: "El banquer necessita
una transferència de 3000$
una transferència de 3000$
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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ONE LOVE."
09:15
(Laughter)
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2134
(Rialles)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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1969
Vaig dir: "Cap problema.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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1271
'Jo vaig disparar al sheriff,
[vers de Bob Marley]
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[però no a l'ajudant'."]
09:31
(Laughter)
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1025
09:32
Thank you.
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Gràcies.
(Aplaudiments)
(Aplaudiments)
09:33
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com