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James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: 當你覆垃圾電郵時會發生嘅事
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可疑嘅電郵包括：冇人認領嘅保險債券、鑲鑽嘅保險箱、好友喺外國被綁架。通常如果呢啲郵件出現喺我哋嘅收件匣，我哋會即刻刪除佢，但如果我哋覆佢哋呢？聽下作家兼喜劇演員 James Veitch 分享佢同騙徒持續幾星期、傾一筆有可觀收入嘅搞笑故事。
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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幾年前，我收到一封垃圾電郵
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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佢過到個垃圾郵件過濾
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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我唔係好知點解
總之就出現喺我收件匣
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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寄件人係叫 Solomon Odonkoh
00:24
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知
00:26
I know.
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00:27
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:28
It went like this:
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封郵件係咁寫：
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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「你好，James Veitch，
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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我有一個好有趣嘅商業計劃
想邀請你參與，Solomon 上。」
想邀請你參與，Solomon 上。」
呢個時候，我隻手指已經準備㩒刪除鍵
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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我諗大家都係咁
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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我望住部電話
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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心諗我可以就咁刪除封郵件
或者，可以做啲大家都想做嘅事
00:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
於是我話︰「Solomon,
我對你嘅計劃好有興趣。」
我對你嘅計劃好有興趣。」
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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00:52
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:55
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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個遊戲，正式開始
佢話：「親愛嘅 James Veitch,
我哋想寄黃金畀你。」
我哋想寄黃金畀你。」
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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01:08
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
「你賣得出嘅話，
你可以分到一成佣。」
你可以分到一成佣。」
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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01:13
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知我遇著騙徒老手
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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01:17
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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我問︰「值幾錢呀？」
佢話︰「我哋可以由小量開始。」
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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01:27
I was like, aww --
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我就，呃…
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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然後佢話︰「25 公斤。」
01:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
「值大概 250 萬美金。」
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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我話︰「Solomon，係嘅話，
我哋不如做大佢啦！」
我哋不如做大佢啦！」
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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01:42
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
「我搞得掂喎，你有幾多金呀？」
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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01:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
佢話︰「幾多金唔係問題，
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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係睇你搞得掂幾多，
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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我哋可以由 50 公斤開始。」
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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我話︰「50 公斤？
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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咁冇咩綽頭喎，
至少都運一噸啦。」
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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02:10
(Laughter)
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02:11
(Applause)
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（笑聲）
（掌聲）
佢話︰「你做邊行㗎？」
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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02:17
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我話︰
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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「我係銀行對沖基金執行經理。」
02:22
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
「老友呀，我已經唔係第一次運金條。
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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完全唔係。」
02:29
no no no.
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於是我開始扮騰雞
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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我問︰「你哋公司喺邊？
我同你又三唔識七。
我同你又三唔識七。
02:35
I don't know about you,
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如果我哋用郵寄方式運金嘅話，
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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要簽收喎，咁多黃金。」
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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佢答︰「要說服我公司
做咁大筆生意唔容易。」
做咁大筆生意唔容易。」
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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我話︰「Solomon，
我完全明白你嘅憂慮。
我完全明白你嘅憂慮。
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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我陣間過張圖表畀你，
方便你喺董事會上講清楚。
方便你喺董事會上講清楚。
02:52
Hold tight."
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你等我一陣。」
02:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
呢個係我寄畀 Solomon
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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03:03
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
（橫軸：財富；縱軸：金嘅數量）
03:05
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
我唔肯定在座有冇統計學家
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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但我之後同佢有下文
03:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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我話︰「Solomon，附件有張
對你有幫助嘅圖表。
對你有幫助嘅圖表。
我請我嘅助手試算過。」
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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03:25
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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我哋已經準備好，
運得越多黃金越好！」
運得越多黃金越好！」
有啲時候我哋會俾一啲嘢感動
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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呢一刻嘅 Solomon 都係
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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佢話︰「如果成交嘅話我會好開心，
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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因為我都會有一筆可觀嘅回佣。」
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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我話︰「冇得彈呀，
你會點用筆錢呀？」
你會點用筆錢呀？」
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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然後佢話︰「買樓呀，你呢？」
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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我諗咗好耐
我話︰「一樣嘢︰
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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鷹嘴豆泥。」
03:53
Hummus."
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03:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:00
"It's going places.
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實掂
04:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我有一日喺 Sainsbury's
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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見到超過 30 種口味
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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你仲可以切啲紅蘿蔔
點落鷹嘴豆泥添！
點落鷹嘴豆泥添！
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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你有冇試過呀 Solomon？
04:11
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
佢話︰「我要瞓喇。」
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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04:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:18
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
04:21
"Till morrow.
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「聽日見！
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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發個好夢！」
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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我唔知點答佢呀！
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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我話︰「早唞喇，金條，早唞。」
04:30
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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各位，你要知道
呢件事持續咗幾個禮拜
呢件事持續咗幾個禮拜
雖然到目前為止
呢個係我人生中最正嗰幾個禮拜
呢個係我人生中最正嗰幾個禮拜
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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但我唔想玩喇
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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佢有啲失控
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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朋友問我︰
「James，飲唔飲返杯呀？」
「James，飲唔飲返杯呀？」
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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我話︰「唔得呀，
我等緊封關於黃金嘅電郵。」
我等緊封關於黃金嘅電郵。」
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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所以我覺得要停喇
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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我要令到件事去到一個荒謬嘅地步
於是我諗到一個計劃
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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我話︰「Solomon，
我好擔心安全問題，
我好擔心安全問題，
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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我哋通信嘅時候用代號呀。」
04:55
When we email each other,
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04:56
we need to use a code."
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05:00
And he agreed.
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佢應承咗
05:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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我話︰「Solomon，
我用咗成晚諗啲代號，
我用咗成晚諗啲代號，
以後通信都用代號溝通啦。
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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律師：小熊軟糖；
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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銀行：奶油蛋；
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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法律：可樂樽；
聲明：花生；
聲明：花生；
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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文件：啫喱豆；
西聯匯款：一隻巨型橡皮蜥蜴。」
西聯匯款：一隻巨型橡皮蜥蜴。」
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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05:22
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我知呢啲都係佢哋用嘅代號，係咪？
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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我話︰「以後就叫我 Kitkat 啦。」
05:30
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我以為自己過咗火
所以冇再收到回覆
所以冇再收到回覆
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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於是我收念返少少
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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我話︰「Solomon，
我哋交易仲繼續㗎呵？
我哋交易仲繼續㗎呵？
KitKat 上。」
05:44
KitKat."
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05:45
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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因為我之前講明用代號嘛！
終於我收到一封回覆
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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佢話︰「個交易仲進行緊㗎，
我嘗試去點點點…」
我嘗試去點點點…」
我話︰「老友，
你要用啲代號先得㗎！」
你要用啲代號先得㗎！」
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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於是，我收到一封神回覆
06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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06:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我唔係講笑，我真係收到封咁嘅回覆
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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06:10
This was a good day.
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嗰日零舍開心
「交易仲進行緊㗎，
06:13
"The business is on.
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06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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我嘗試緊為小熊軟糖增加結餘。」
06:18
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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「咁佢先可以提交
所有需要嘅可樂樽啫喱豆
所有需要嘅可樂樽啫喱豆
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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畀奶油蛋，
從而開始進行花生。」
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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06:32
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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麻煩經一隻巨型橡皮蜥蜴
匯 1,500 鎊畀我
匯 1,500 鎊畀我
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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06:38
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
係咪好好玩呢！
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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06:51
that it got me thinking:
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於是我喺度諗：
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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如果我將大部分時間
都盡量去覆呢啲詐騙郵件會點呢？
都盡量去覆呢啲詐騙郵件會點呢？
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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冇錯，呢三年我就係
代表各位回覆詐騙集團
代表各位回覆詐騙集團
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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07:03
for three years
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07:05
on your behalf.
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07:06
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
07:08
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
當你開始覆詐騙郵件嘅時候
瘋狂嘅事情就會發生
瘋狂嘅事情就會發生
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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07:14
It's really difficult,
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雖然覆電郵係好困難
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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但我好建議大家一齊做
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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我唔覺得自己咁做好衰
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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大把人對詐騙集團做衰嘢
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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我做嘅只係浪費佢哋嘅時間
而且我覺得每當佢哋嘥時間喺我身上
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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就會冇咗時間去呃其他
容易上當嘅人㗎啦，係咪？
容易上當嘅人㗎啦，係咪？
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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不過如果你要咁做
我強烈建議你開返一個匿名嘅電郵
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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唔好用自己嘅電郵
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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我一開始就係咁
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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嗰時直頭係惡夢
我當時一起身收到過千封郵件
全部都係關於壯陽藥
全部都係關於壯陽藥
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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07:46
about penis enlargements,
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當中只有其中一封唔係詐騙嘅
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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（笑聲）
07:49
(Laughter)
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因為佢真係答返我
一條醫學問題
一條醫學問題
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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但各位，我話畀大家知：
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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每一日你都會收到電郵
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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如果你收到一封電郵個開頭係咁：
08:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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「我係 Winnie Mandela，
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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前南非總統曼德拉第二個老婆」
我當時係，噢！
嗰個 Winnie Mandela！
嗰個 Winnie Mandela！
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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08:12
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:13
I know so many.
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我識好多個 Winnie Mandela 㗎嘛
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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「我需要滙 4,500 萬美金到國外，
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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因為我先生曼德拉嘅健康狀況。」
睇下點先啦
08:21
Let that sink in.
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08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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佢仲畀咗呢樣嘢我，勁搞笑
08:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:29
And this.
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仲有呢個添
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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咁望落去好合情合理呀
呢封係一封授權信
呢封係一封授權信
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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但係你望清楚啲！冇字㗎！
印章只係得個樣！
印章只係得個樣！
08:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我話︰「Winnie 呀，
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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聽到咁嘅事情發生
真係好唔好意思，
真係好唔好意思，
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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畢竟曼德拉過咗身三個月，
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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佢嘅病情真係幾嚴重。」
08:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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一個人最差嘅健康狀況就係死亡
佢話︰「麻煩你遵照我銀行家嘅指示。
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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08:58
ONE LOVE."
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唯一嘅愛上。」
08:59
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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我話︰「冇問題。
女人總係需要男人嘅金錢。」
09:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
09:07
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
佢話︰「我嘅銀行家要先收到
三千美金嘅滙款。
三千美金嘅滙款。
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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唯一嘅愛上。」
09:15
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
我話︰「冇問題，
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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我幫你搞掂咗個呀頭啦。」
（不過冇殺到佢副手囉）
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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09:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
多謝
09:32
Thank you.
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09:33
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com