James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Inilah yang berlaku bila anda balas emel penipuan
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to get through my spam filter.
but it turned up in my inbox,
dalam peti masuk saya
called Solomon Odonkoh.
bernama Solomon Odonkoh
I want to share with you, Solomon."
untuk berkongsi dengan anda, Solomon."
on the delete button, right?
di butang padam.
I thought, I could just delete this.
boleh saja saya padam.
we've all always wanted to do.
perkara kita selalu teringin buat.
Your email intrigues me."
awak tarik perhatian saya."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
menghantar Emas kepada anda."
of any gold you distributes."
dari emas yang anda edarkan."
with a professional.
dengan pakar.
with smaller quantity," --
kuantiti lebih kecil," --
going to do it, let's go big.
berkerjasama, buatlah besar-besaran.
How much gold do you have?"
Berapa banyak emas yang kamu ada?"
of how much gold I have,
jumlah emas saya miliki,
your capability of handling.
kemampuan awak uruskannya.
as trial shipment."
sebagai percubaan."
at least a metric ton."
kurang satu metrik tan."
executive bank manager."
dana lindung nilai."
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
jongkong emas, kawan,
via the postal service,
perkhidmatan pos,
to convince my company
yakinkan syarikat saya
with you on this one.
dengan awak.
to take into the board meeting.
bawa ke mesyuarat lembaga pengarah.
any statisticians in the house,
ahli statistik di sini,
ada sesuatu sedang berlaku.
you'll find a helpful chart.
disertakan carta yang berguna.
semak nombor-nombor ini
run the numbers.
sebanyak mungkin."
as much gold as possible."
mereka cuba tarik hati sanubari,
to tug your heartstrings,
jika urusan berjalan lancar,
if the deal goes well,
untung komisen banyak."
a very good commission as well."
belanja guna bahagian awak?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
awak pula?"
what about you?"
30 different varieties.
and you can dip them.
dan mencelupkannya.
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
ketul emas aku, Salam."
ini berlarutan untuk berminggu-minggu
this had been going for, like, weeks,
terbaik hidup saya
weeks of my life,
jom minum?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
tunggu emel tentang emas."
an email about some gold."
buat sesuatu.
yang tak masuk akal.
to knock it on the head.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
saya bimbang pasal sekuriti.
I'm concerned about security.
semalaman untuk cipta kod ini
coming up with this code
in all further correspondence:
perbualan akan datang:
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Tuntutan: Kacang M&Ms.
yang digunakan, betul tak?
they use, right?
in all further correspondence."
dalam semua perbualan akan datang."
Mungkin saya sudah melampau.
I thought, I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
Saya kena berundur sikit.
urus janji kita?"
dan saya sedang bla bla bla..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
kena pakai kod tu!"
I've ever received.
terbaik yang pernah saya terima.
turned up in my inbox.
yang muncul dalam peti masuk saya
for the Gummy Bear --
untuk Beruang Getah --
Bergas Kacang Jeli yang diperlukan
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
as much time as could
saya habiskan sebanyak mungkin masa
scam emails as I could?
sebanyak boleh?
replying to scam emails.
anda balas email penipuan.
who do mean things to scammers.
terhadap penipu-penipu.
luangkan untuk saya
they're spending with me
menipu orang dewasa yang lurus
scamming vulnerable adults
and I highly recommend you do --
dan saya amat mengesyorkannya --
dan ia menjadi mimpi ngeri.
and it was a nightmare.
dan menerima seribu emel
and have a thousand emails
balasan yang sah --
was a legitimate response --
yang saya utarakan.
any day is a good day
mana-mana hari ialah hari baik,
that begins like this:
yang bermula begini:
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
MANTAN PRESIDEN AFRIKA SELATAN."
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
45 JUTA DOLAR KELUAR NEGARA
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
SUAMI SAYA NELSON MANDELA."
this is a letter of authorization.
ini adalah surat kuasa.
written on it, it's just a shape!
ia hanya satu bentuk!
sedih mendengarnya.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
tiga bulan lepas,
as fairly serious."
kesihatannya cukup parah."
you can have, not being alive.
yang paling teruk, tidak hidup.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
ARAHAN JURUBANK SAYA.
TIADA WANITA, TIADA TANGISAN."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
PEMINDAHAN 3000 DOLAR. SATU CINTA."
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com