Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
Emily Nagoski: Kako parovi mogu održati snažnu seksualnu povezanost cijeli život
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
with a couple of friends --
but very sleep-deprived.
ali s velikim manjkom sna.
I get asked more than any other question.
češće od bilo kojeg drugog pitanja.
sustain a strong sexual connection
jaku seksualnu povezanost
me prijatelji ispituju ovakva pitanja,
my friends ask me questions like this,
poput mojih prijatelja.
I can give them something like an answer.
ponuditi nekakav odgovor.
pretty solid evidence
vrlo čvrste dokaze
strong sexual connections
jako seksualnu povezanost
koje su to dvije stvari,
what those two things are,
that they are not.
stvari koje to nisu.
who have sex very often.
imaju spolne odnose.
često spolne odnose.
have wild, adventurous sex.
divlji, avanturistički seks.
who are most strongly predicted
and relationship satisfaction,
vezom i spolnošću,
to keep their hands off each other.
ruke jedno s drugoga.
call "spontaneous desire,"
nazivaju "spontanom žudnjom",
to appear out of the blue.
who illustrated my book,
koja je ilustrirala moju knjigu,
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
munju koja sijevne u genitalija --
out of the blue.
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
to experience sexual desire.
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
u očekivanju ugode,
in response to pleasure.
kao reakcija na ugodu.
named Christine Hyde,
Christine Hyde,
she uses with her clients.
koju koristi sa svojim klijentima.
invites you to a party.
pozove na tulum.
it's your best friend and a party.
prijatelj i radi se o tulumu.
you start thinking,
počneš razmišljati,
to put my party clothes on
odjeću za tulumarenje
and you show up to the party,
i pojaviš se na tulumu,
it's the same thing.
potpuno je jednako.
touch your partner's skin
partnerovu kožu,
to wake up and remember,
da se probudi i podsjeti,
who sustain a strong sexual connection
koji održavaju jaku spolnu povezanost
where I tell my friends
kada kažem prijateljima
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
jaku spolnu povezanost --
at the foundation of their relationship.
u temelju svoje veze.
usmjerenu na emocije,
present and available for me?
i jesi li mi dostupan?
is that they prioritize sex.
seks na vrh prioriteta.
for their relationship.
things that they could be doing --
stvari koje bi mogli raditi --
and the jobs they could be going to,
i poslove na koje bi mogli odlaziti,
to pay attention to,
bi mogli posvetiti pažnju,
možda žele družiti.
want to hang out with.
gledati televiziju ili spavati.
to watch some television or go to sleep.
and create a protected space
i stvorite zaštićen prostor
is put your body in the bed
da stavite svoje tijelo u krevet
touch your partner's skin.
kožu vašeg partnera.
I told them about the party,
prioritet, ispričala sam im o tulumu,
next to your partner's skin.
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
sam pričala kaže "Aaah".
so, there's your problem."
u tome je vaš problem."
što oni ne bi željeli ići na tulum.
want to go to the party, necessarily.
of spontaneous desire for party,
spontane žudnje za tulumom,
and show up for the party.
i pojavite se na tulumu.
sve činite ispravno.
you're doing it right.
what there was available to eat,
about her relationships with people
osjeća u odnosima s drugim ljudima
come to dread sex.
se počnu užasavati seksa.
between their bodies as they need
između tijela koliko im je potrebno
will make 20 feet of space.
se udaljiti na šest metara.
is that space is not empty.
jest da taj prostor nije prazan.
but your criticism isn't helping,"
ali tvoje kritike mi ne pomažu",
and, "You're not there for me."
i "Nisi tu za mene".
these difficult feelings.
zamršenih osjećaja.
this really silly metaphor
you can find a way to set them free
nađete način da ih oslobodite
with kindness and compassion.
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
jaku seksualnu povezanost,
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
takvim pospanim ježevima.
that lasts long enough.
dovoljno dugoj vezi.
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
tih pospanih ježeva
special someone.
who sustain a strong sexual connection
održe jaku seksualnu povezanost
te zamršene povređujuće osjećaje,
these difficult hurt feelings,
those difficult feelings
tim zamršenim osjećajima
with the question under the question,
s pitanjem ispod pitanja,
a strong connection?"
to answer this question,
na to pitanje,
edukator o spolnosti,
is sometimes, Emily,
the science of women's sexual well-being.
znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.
all day, every day,
cijeli dan, svakodnevno,
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
projekta da sam imala nula interesa
traveling all over,
putujući posvuda,
of women's sexual well-being.
put my body in the bed,
stavila bih svoje tijelo u krevet,
I would just cry and fall asleep.
da bih se rasplakala i zaspala.
fostered fear and loneliness
su strah, usamljenost
I love and admire,
koju volim i kojoj se divim,
difficult feelings there were,
osjećaja postojalo,
with kindness and compassion.
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
a strong sexual connection?
jaku seksualnu povezanost?
for their relationship,
to find their way back to the connection.
pronašli put natrag do te povezanosti.
terapeutkinja Peggy Kleinplatz.
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
is worth wanting?
at the quality of our connection
kvalitetu naše povezanosti
of sleepy hedgehogs
what it took to find our way,
je potrebno da pronađemo svoj način,
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
pospanih ježeva,
so that we could find our way back
pronašli put natrag
for our relationship.
važna za našu vezu.
in long-term relationships.
u dugotrajnim vezama.
difficult feelings into our relationship.
zamršene osjećaje u našu vezu.
sexual connection over the long term?
tijekom dugog razdoblja?
of your best friend,
svog najboljeg prijatelja
to find your way back.
svoj put natrag.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Emily Nagoski - Sex educatorEmily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.
Why you should listen
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and the author of the best-selling Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. As she writes: "As an undergrad at the University of Delaware, I wanted some volunteer work for my resume, so I got trained as a peer sex educator, going into residence halls to talk about condoms, contraception and consent. Though I loved the brain science I was studying in my classes (BA in psychology, minors in cognitive science and philosophy), it was my work as a sex educator that made me like who I am as a person. So that's the path I chose. I went to Indiana University for an MS in counseling and PhD in health behavior, completing a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute, then went on to work at Smith College, where I taught a class called Women’s Sexuality.
"That first semester at Smith, I asked my students, as the last question on the final exam, 'What's one important thing you learned?' Half the students answered simply, 'I'm normal.' I decided that day to write Come As You Are, to share the science and sex positivity that helped my students know they're normal."
Emily Nagoski | Speaker | TED.com