20:12
TED2008

Jill Bolte Taylor: My stroke of insight

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Jill Bolte Taylor got a research opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: She had a massive stroke, and watched as her brain functions -- motion, speech, self-awareness -- shut down one by one. An astonishing story.

- Neuroanatomist
Brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor studied her own stroke as it happened -- and has become a powerful voice for brain recovery. Full bio

I grew up to study the brain
00:18
because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder:
00:21
schizophrenia. And as a sister
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and later, as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why
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is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect
00:31
them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true?
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What is it about my brother's brain and
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his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his
00:41
dreams to a common and shared reality, so they
00:44
instead become delusion?
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So I dedicated my career to research into the
00:51
severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state
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of Indiana to Boston, where I was working in
00:56
the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard
00:59
Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question,
01:02
"What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals
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who would be diagnosed as normal control,
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as compared with the brains of individuals diagnosed with
01:15
schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"
01:18
So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry
01:23
of the brain: which cells are communicating with
01:26
which cells, with which chemicals, and then in
01:29
what quantities of those chemicals?
01:32
So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing
01:35
this type of research during the day.
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But then in the evenings and on the weekends,
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I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
01:45
But on the morning of December 10, 1996, I woke up
01:50
to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.
01:53
A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.
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And in the course of four hours,
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I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to
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process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage,
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I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.
02:12
I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.
02:18
If you've ever seen a human brain,
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it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.
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And I have brought for you a real human brain.
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So this is a real human brain.
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This is the front of the brain,
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the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,
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and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.
02:52
And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that
02:56
the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another.
02:58
For those of you who understand computers,
03:04
our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,
03:06
while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.
03:09
The two hemispheres do communicate with one another
03:13
through the corpus collosum,
03:16
which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.
03:18
But other than that,
03:22
the two hemispheres are completely separate.
03:24
Because they process information differently,
03:28
each of our hemispheres think about different things,
03:31
they care about different things, and, dare I say,
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they have very different personalities.
03:38
Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy. Assistant: It has been.
03:43
Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.
03:51
It's all about "right here, right now."
03:55
Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures
04:00
and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.
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Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously
04:07
through all of our sensory systems
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and then it explodes into this enormous collage
04:14
of what this present moment looks like,
04:17
what this present moment smells like and tastes like,
04:21
what it feels like and what it sounds like.
04:24
I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me
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through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.
04:34
We are energy-beings connected to one another
04:37
through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family.
04:41
And right here,
04:47
right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,
04:49
here to make the world a better place.
04:51
And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.
04:55
My left hemisphere -- our left hemisphere -- is a very different place.
05:02
Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.
05:07
Our left hemisphere
05:11
is all about the past and it's all about the future.
05:13
Our left hemisphere is designed to take that
05:17
enormous collage of the present moment and start
05:20
picking out details, details and more details about those details.
05:23
It then categorizes and
05:27
organizes all that information, associates it
05:29
with everything in the past we've ever learned, and
05:33
projects into the future all of our possibilities.
05:36
And our left hemisphere thinks in language.
05:40
It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my
05:44
internal world to my external world.
05:47
It's that little voice that says to me, "Hey, you gotta remember
05:51
to pick up bananas on your way home.
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I need them in the morning."
05:58
It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me
05:59
when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important,
06:02
it's that little voice that says to me,
06:05
"I am. I am." And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"
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I become separate.
06:15
I become a single solid individual, separate from the energy flow
06:18
around me and separate from you.
06:22
And this was the portion of my brain that I lost
06:25
on the morning of my stroke.
06:28
On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a
06:30
pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain --
06:34
caustic pain -- that you get when you
06:39
bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me --
06:41
and then it released me. And then it just gripped me --
06:45
and then it released me. And it was very unusual
06:49
for me to ever experience any kind of pain,
06:52
so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."
06:55
So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,
06:57
which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.
07:00
And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing
07:03
that my hands look like primitive claws grasping
07:08
onto the bar. And I thought, "That's very peculiar."
07:12
And I looked down at my body and I thought, "Whoa,
07:15
I'm a weird-looking thing." And it was as though
07:18
my consciousness had shifted away from my normal
07:21
perception of reality, where I'm the person on the
07:24
machine having the experience, to some esoteric space
07:27
where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.
07:30
And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was
07:35
just getting worse. So I get off the machine,
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and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I
07:39
realize that everything inside of my body has
07:42
slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and
07:44
very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace,
07:49
and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions,
07:52
so I'm just focused on internal systems.
07:55
And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to
07:59
step into the shower, and I could actually hear the
08:01
dialogue inside of my body. I heard a little voice
08:03
saying, "OK. You muscles, you gotta contract.
08:06
You muscles, you relax."
08:09
And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.
08:10
And I look down at my arm and I realize
08:13
that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.
08:17
I can't define where I begin and where I end,
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because the atoms and the molecules of my arm
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blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.
08:28
And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.
08:32
And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?
08:36
What is going on?" And in that moment, my brain chatter --
08:38
my left hemisphere brain chatter -- went totally silent.
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Just like someone took a remote control
08:45
and pushed the mute button. Total silence.
08:48
And at first I was shocked to find myself
08:51
inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately
08:54
captivated by the magnificence of the energy around me.
08:58
And because I could no longer identify
09:02
the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive.
09:06
I felt at one with all the energy that was,
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and it was beautiful there.
09:13
Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back
09:16
online, and it says to me, "Hey! We got a problem!
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We got a problem! We gotta get some help."
09:21
And I'm going, "Ahh! I got a problem.
09:23
I got a problem." So it's like, "OK. OK. I got a problem."
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But then I immediately drifted right back
09:28
out into the consciousness -- and I affectionately
09:31
refer to this space as La La Land.
09:34
But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would
09:38
be like to be totally disconnected from your brain
09:40
chatter that connects you to the external world.
09:43
So here I am in this space, and my job -- and any
09:46
stress related to my job -- it was gone.
09:49
And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine
09:52
all of the relationships in the external world and any
09:55
stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.
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And I felt this sense of peacefulness.
10:02
And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage!
10:07
(Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --
10:12
euphoria. It was beautiful.
10:18
And then, again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,
10:21
"Hey! You've got to pay attention.
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We've got to get help." And I'm thinking, "I got to get help.
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I gotta focus."
10:27
So I get out of the shower and I mechanically
10:29
dress and I'm walking around my apartment,
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and I'm thinking, "I gotta get to work. I gotta get to work.
10:33
Can I drive? Can I drive?"
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And in that moment my right arm went totally
10:38
paralyzed by my side. Then I realized,
10:40
"Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!"
10:43
And the next thing my brain says to me is, "Wow!
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This is so cool." (Laughter) "This is so cool!
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How many brain scientists have the opportunity
10:55
to study their own brain from the inside out?"
10:57
(Laughter)
11:00
And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"
11:02
(Laughter) "I don't have time for a stroke!"
11:06
So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,
11:09
so I'll do this for a week or two, and
11:11
then I'll get back to my routine. OK.
11:14
So I gotta call help. I gotta call work."
11:16
I couldn't remember the number at work,
11:18
so I remembered, in my office I had a business card
11:20
with my number on it. So I go into my business room,
11:22
I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.
11:25
And I'm looking at the card on top and even though
11:28
I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like,
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I couldn't tell if this
11:35
was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels.
11:37
And the pixels of the words blended
11:40
with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols,
11:42
and I just couldn't tell.
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And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.
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And in that moment, I would be able to
11:50
reattach to normal reality and I could tell
11:53
that's not the card ... that's not the card ... that's not the card.
11:56
It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down
11:58
inside of that stack of cards.
12:02
In the meantime, for 45 minutes, the hemorrhage is
12:05
getting bigger in my left hemisphere.
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I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,
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but it's the only plan I have.
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So I take the phone pad and I put it right here. I take the business card,
12:14
I put it right here, and
12:17
I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card
12:19
to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.
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But then I would drift back out into La La Land,
12:26
and not remember when I came back if I'd already
12:29
dialed those numbers.
12:32
So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump
12:33
and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed
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them, so that as I would come back to normal
12:40
reality, I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."
12:43
Eventually, the whole number gets dialed
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and I'm listening to the phone, and
12:50
my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,
12:52
"Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter) And I think to myself,
12:56
"Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"
13:01
And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:
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"This is Jill! I need help!"
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And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."
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I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."
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So I couldn't know -- I didn't know that
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I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.
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So he recognizes that I need help and he gets me help.
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And a little while later, I am riding in an
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ambulance from one hospital across Boston to [Massachusetts] General Hospital.
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And I curl up into a little fetal ball.
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And just like a balloon with the last bit of air,
13:37
just, just right out of the balloon,
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I just felt my energy lift and just -- I felt my spirit surrender.
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And in that moment, I knew that I
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was no longer the choreographer of my life.
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And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a
14:00
second chance at life, or this was perhaps
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my moment of transition.
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When I woke later that afternoon, I was shocked
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to discover that I was still alive. When I felt my spirit surrender,
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I said goodbye to my life.
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And my mind was now suspended between two very
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opposite planes of reality. Stimulation coming in
14:29
through my sensory systems felt like pure pain.
14:33
Light burned my brain like wildfire, and sounds
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were so loud and chaotic that I could not pick a
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voice out from the background noise,
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and I just wanted to escape. Because I could not identify the
14:49
position of my body in space, I felt enormous and expansive,
14:53
like a genie just liberated from her bottle.
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And my spirit soared free, like a great whale
15:03
gliding through the sea of silent euphoria.
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Nirvana. I found Nirvana. And I remember thinking,
15:14
there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze
15:22
the enormousness of myself back inside this tiny little body.
15:25
But then I realized, "But I'm still alive! I'm still alive,
15:32
and I have found Nirvana. And if I have
15:36
found Nirvana and I'm still alive, then everyone
15:40
who is alive can find Nirvana." And I pictured a world
15:43
filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate,
15:50
loving people who knew that they could come to
15:54
this space at any time. And that they could
15:57
purposely choose to step to the right of their
16:01
left hemispheres and find this peace. And then
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I realized what a tremendous gift this experience
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could be, what a stroke of insight this could be
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to how we live our lives. And it motivated me to recover.
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Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the
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surgeons went in and they removed a blood clot
16:31
the size of a golf ball that was pushing on my language centers.
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Here I am with my mama,
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who is a true angel in my life. It took me eight years to completely recover.
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So who are we? We are the life-force power of the universe,
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with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds.
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And we have the power to choose, moment by moment,
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who and how we want to be in the world.
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Right here, right now, I can step into the
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consciousness of my right hemisphere, where we are.
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I am the life-force power of the universe.
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I am the life-force power of the 50 trillion beautiful
17:16
molecular geniuses that make up my form, at one with all that is.
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Or, I can choose to step into the consciousness of
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my left hemisphere, where I become a single individual,
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a solid. Separate from the flow,
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separate from you. I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor:
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intellectual, neuroanatomist. These are the "we" inside of me.
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Which would you choose? Which do you choose? And when?
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I believe that the more time we spend
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choosing to run the deep inner-peace circuitry
18:03
of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will
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project into the world, and the more peaceful our planet will be.
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And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.
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About the Speaker:

Jill Bolte Taylor - Neuroanatomist
Brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor studied her own stroke as it happened -- and has become a powerful voice for brain recovery.

Why you should listen

One morning, a blood vessel in Jill Bolte Taylor's brain exploded. As a brain scientist, she realized she had a ringside seat to her own stroke. She watched as her brain functions shut down one by one: motion, speech, memory, self-awareness ...

Amazed to find herself alive, Taylor spent eight years recovering her ability to think, walk and talk. She has become a spokesperson for stroke recovery and for the possibility of coming back from brain injury stronger than before. In her case, although the stroke damaged the left side of her brain, her recovery unleashed a torrent of creative energy from her right. From her home base in Indiana, she now travels the country on behalf of the Harvard Brain Bank as the "Singin' Scientist."

More profile about the speaker
Jill Bolte Taylor | Speaker | TED.com