TED Salon Brightline Initiative
Heidi Grant: How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"
Хейди Грант: Как да помолим за помощ и да ни кажат "да"
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Readability: 3.3
2,446,833 views
Да поискаш помощ е трудно. Но за да се справиш в живота, трябва да го правиш през цялото време. Какво трябва да направиш, за да се чувстваш комфортно искайки помощ? В този разговор, социалният психолог Хейди Грант споделя четири прости правила за искане и получаване на помощ - правейки процеса по възнаграждаващ и за помагача.
Heidi Grant - Social psychologist
Heidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making. Full bio
Heidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
So, asking for help
is basically the worst, right?
is basically the worst, right?
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Искайки помощ е най-лошото, нали?
00:18
I've actually never seen it
on one of those top ten lists
on one of those top ten lists
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Всъщност, никога не съм го виждала в топ
00:22
of things people fear,
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десетте списъка за неща, от които
00:24
like public speaking
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хората се страхуват като публична изява
00:26
and death,
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и смърт,
00:27
but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.
it actually belongs there.
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Но съм сигурна, че принадлежи точно там.
00:31
Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,
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Въпреки че в много отношения е глупаво да
00:36
whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker
or a friend or from a coworker
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се страхуваме да искаме помощ от близък
00:40
or even from a stranger,
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човек, приятел, колега или дори от непознат
00:42
somehow it always feel just a little bit
uncomfortable and embarrassing
uncomfortable and embarrassing
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някак си се чувстваме неудобно или сме
00:47
to actually ask for help,
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засрамени да искаме помощ,
което е, разбира се,
което е, разбира се,
00:50
which is, of course, why most of us
try to avoid asking for help
try to avoid asking for help
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защо повечето хора не искат помощ
00:53
whenever humanly possible.
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когато е възможно.
00:55
My father was one of those
legions of fathers
legions of fathers
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Моят баща беше от онези многобройни бащи,
00:58
who, I swear, would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp
through an alligator-infested swamp
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които, повярвайте ми, предпочита да
мине през блато пълно с алигатори,
мине през блато пълно с алигатори,
01:04
than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.
getting back to the road.
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отколкото да поиска помощ.
01:07
When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.
we took a family vacation.
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Когато бях дете отидохме на екскурзия.
01:10
We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg.
to Colonial Williamsburg.
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Карахме от вкъщи в Джърси до Уилямсбърг.
01:14
And I remember we got really badly lost.
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Помня как доста се загубихме.
01:17
My mother and I pleaded with him
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Аз и майка ми го молехме да попитаме
01:20
to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,
for directions back to the highway,
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някого за посоки обратно към магистралата
01:24
and he absolutely refused,
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и той напълно ни отказа,
01:26
and, in fact, assured us
that we were not lost,
that we were not lost,
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и ни убеждаваше, че не сме се изгубили
01:29
he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.
what was over here.
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той просто искаше да види какво има там.
01:32
(Laughter)
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(Смях)
01:34
So if we're going to ask for help --
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Така че, ако ще искаме помощ от някого
01:37
and we have to, we all do,
practically every day --
practically every day --
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и се налага, ние всички го правим,
практически всеки ден,
практически всеки ден,
01:41
the only way we're going to even begin
to get comfortable with it
to get comfortable with it
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единствения начин, с който
ще се чувстваме удобно е
ще се чувстваме удобно е
01:45
is to get good at it,
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когато сме добри в това
01:46
to actually increase the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,
that when you ask for help from someone,
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и да увеличиш възможностите, че когато
01:50
they're actually going to say yes.
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поискате помощ те да ви кажат "да".
01:52
And not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying
to find it actually satisfying
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И не само това, но и ще почувствате
01:56
and rewarding to help you,
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удоволствие, че са ви помогнали и така
01:57
because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.
to continue to help you into the future.
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те ще са мотивирани да ви помогнат в бъдеще
02:02
So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done
and some of my colleagues have done
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Разследването, което направихме колегите ми
02:05
has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes
that sometimes people say yes
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и аз ни показа причината защо хората
02:09
to our requests for help
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понякога ни помогат
02:10
and why sometimes they say no.
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и защо понякога не ни помагат.
02:13
Now let me just start by saying right now:
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Оставете ме да кажа това точно сега:
02:16
if you need help,
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ако имате нужда от помощ
02:18
you are going to have to ask for it.
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ще трябва да поискате да ви помогнат.
02:21
Out loud.
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На глас.
02:22
OK?
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Съгласни?
02:23
We all, to some extent, suffer
from something that psychologists call
from something that psychologists call
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Всички ние страдаме от нещо, което
02:27
"the illusion of transparency" --
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психолозите наричат "илюзия за прозрачност"
02:29
basically, the mistaken belief
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фактически погрешно вярваме, че
02:31
that our thoughts
and our feelings and our needs
and our feelings and our needs
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нашите мисли, чувства и нужди
02:33
are really obvious to other people.
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са наистина очевидни за хората.
02:37
This is not true, but we believe it.
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Това не е вярно, но ние го вярваме.
02:39
And so, we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs
waiting for someone to notice our needs
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За това стоим наоколо и чакаме хората да
02:43
and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.
to help us with it.
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забележат нашите нужди и да ни помогнат.
02:46
This is a really, really bad assumption.
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Това е наистина е лошо предположение.
02:48
In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,
to tell what your needs are,
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Фактически не е трудно само да кажеш
02:52
but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand
often struggle to understand
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какви са нуждите ти, но дори близките ти се
02:55
how they can support you.
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затрудняват по какъв начин да ти помогнат.
02:57
My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit
had to adopt a habit
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Моят партнъор трябваше да си създаде навик
03:00
of asking me multiple times a day,
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да пита многобройни пъти на ден
03:03
"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"
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"Добре ли си? Имаш ли нужда от нещо?"
03:05
because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.
when I need someone's help.
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защото съм много зле в искането на помощ.
03:10
Now, he is more patient than I deserve
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Сега той е по-търпелив, отколкото заслужавам
03:12
and much more proactive,
much more, about helping
much more, about helping
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много повече активен, помага повече,
03:16
than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.
to expect other people to be.
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отколкото хората очакват те да бъдат.
03:20
So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it.
to have to ask for it.
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Имаш ли нужда от помощ ще трябва да поискаш.
03:22
And by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,
can tell that you need help,
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Дори някой да забележи, че имаш нужда от
03:26
how do they know that you want it?
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помощ, как ще знаят, че искаш да ти помогнат?
03:29
Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who, it turns out,
to someone who, it turns out,
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Пробвал ли си се да помогнеш на някого и
03:32
did not actually want your help
in the first place?
in the first place?
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да се окаже, че той не искал помощта ти?
03:35
They get nasty real quick, don't they?
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Те стават доста неприятни, нали?
03:38
The other day -- true story --
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Онзи ден - истинска история -
03:40
my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school,
was getting dressed for school,
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моята дъщеря се обличаше за училище
03:43
and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.
some unsolicited help about that.
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и реших да и помогна без да ми иска помощ.
03:46
(Laughter)
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(Смях)
03:47
I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.
in brighter colors.
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Мисля, че излгежда чудесно в ярки цветове
03:50
She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones.
more neutral tones.
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Тя предпочита по-тъмни, по неутрални нюанси
03:54
And so I said, very helpfully,
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И й казах, много услужливо,
03:56
that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs
she could go back upstairs
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че може да се качи да се преоблече
03:59
and try to find something
a little less somber.
a little less somber.
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и да опита нещо различно, малко по-мрачно.
04:02
(Laughter)
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(Смях)
04:04
So, if looks could kill,
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Ако погледът убиваше,
04:06
I would not be standing here right now.
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нямаше да стоя точно тук и сега.
04:09
We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us
just spontaneously offering to help us
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Ние не можем да обвиняваме хората за това,
04:14
when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.
that that's what is wanted.
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че не са ни помогнали, когато не знаем дали искат.
04:17
In fact, actually, research shows
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Всъщност изследванията показват, че
04:19
that 90 percent of the help that coworkers
give one another in the workplace
give one another in the workplace
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90% от помощта, която колеги си дават на
04:24
is in response
to explicit requests for help.
to explicit requests for help.
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работно място е в отговор на искания за помощ.
04:28
So you're going to have to say
the words "I need your help." Right?
the words "I need your help." Right?
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Ще се наложи да кажеш: "Имам нужда от помощ"
04:31
There's no getting around it.
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Няма как да го избегнете.
04:33
Now, to be good at it,
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За да бъдем добри в това
04:34
to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,
help you when you ask for it,
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и сугурни, че хората ни помогат, която помолим
04:37
there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.
that are very helpful to keep in mind.
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има и други неща, които биха ни помогнали
04:41
First thing: when you ask for help,
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Първо: когато поискаш помощ
04:44
be very, very specific
about the help you want and why.
about the help you want and why.
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бъди специфичен защо искаш да ти помогнат
04:49
Vague, sort of indirect requests for help
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Неясни, непреки искания за помощ не са
04:53
actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?
to the helper, right?
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твърде ясни за помагача, нали?
04:56
We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,
what it is you want from us,
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Ние не знаем какво точно искаш от нас,
04:59
and, just as important,
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и най-важното,
05:01
we don't know whether or not
we can be successful
we can be successful
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ние не знаем дали ще бъдем успешни
05:03
in giving you the help.
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в това да ти помогнем.
05:05
Nobody wants to give bad help.
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Никой не иска да даде лоша помощ.
05:07
Like me, you probably get
some of these requests
some of these requests
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Като мен, може би получаваш предложения
05:10
from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn
strangers on LinkedIn
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от напълно непознати хора в Linkedln, които
05:13
who want to do things like
"get together over coffee and connect"
"get together over coffee and connect"
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искат да правят неща като да пием кафе и
05:18
or "pick your brain."
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да се свържем или да разменим информация.
05:21
I ignore these requests
literally every time.
literally every time.
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Игнорирам тези предложения всеки път.
05:24
And it's not that I'm not a nice person.
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И не защото не съм приятен човек.
05:26
It's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,
what it is you want from me,
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Просто защото когато не знам какво искаш
05:29
like the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,
you're hoping that can I provide,
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от мен или какъв вид помощ очакваш да ти предоставя.
05:32
I'm not interested.
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Не съм заинтересована.
05:34
Nobody is.
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Никой не е.
05:35
I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said
if they had just come out and said
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Щях да бъда заинтересована, когато излязат
05:39
whatever it is was
they were hoping to get from me,
they were hoping to get from me,
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и ми кажат директно от какво имат нужда,
05:41
because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.
something specific in mind.
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защото съм сигурна, че имат нещо на ум.
05:44
So go ahead and say,
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Така че отиди и кажи: "Надявам се да обсъдим
05:45
"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"
to work in your company,"
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възможностите да работим в твоята компания."
05:48
or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project
a joint research project
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или "искам да предложа проект отностно
05:51
in an area I know you're interested in,"
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терен, за който ще бъдеш заинтересована или
05:54
or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."
on getting into medical school."
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"искам съвета ти дали да запиша медицина."
05:58
Technically, I can't help you
with that last one
with that last one
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Технически не мога да помогна с последното
06:00
because I'm not that kind of doctor,
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защото не съм този вид доктор, но
06:02
but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.
of someone who could.
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мога да ти посоча към кого да се обърнеш.
06:06
OK, second tip.
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Добре, втори съвет.
06:07
This is really important:
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Това е наистина важно:
06:10
please avoid disclaimers,
apologies and bribes.
apologies and bribes.
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моля ви избягвайте извинения и подкупи.
06:15
Really, really important.
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Наистина е много важно.
06:16
Do any of these sound familiar?
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Някой от тези звучат ли ви познато?
06:18
(Clears throat)
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(Кашля)
06:20
'I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this."
that I have to ask you for this."
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"Много съжалявам, че те моля за това"
06:25
"I really hate bothering you with this."
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"Наистина, не трябваше да те занимавам с това"
06:28
"If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would."
without your help, I would."
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"Ако имаше как щях да го направя без помощта ти"
06:34
(Laughter)
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(Смях)
06:35
Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove
are so eager to prove
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Понякога хората са толкова нетърпеливи да
06:38
that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,
when they ask your for help,
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докажат, че не са слаби и алчни, когато те
06:41
they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable
on how uncomfortable
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молят за помощ и пропускат това как те
06:44
they're making you feel.
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карат да се чувстваш неудобно.
06:45
And by the way -- how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you
to find it satisfying to help you
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Как да чувствам удоволствие, че ти помогнах
06:49
if you really hated
having to ask me for help?
having to ask me for help?
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когато мразиш факта, че си ме помолил?
06:53
And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable
perfectly acceptable
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И когато е напълно приемливо да плащаш на
06:56
to pay strangers to do things for you,
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непознати за да направят нещо за теб
06:59
you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing
when it comes to incentivizing
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бъди много внимателен, когато трябва да
07:03
your friends and coworkers.
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поощриш приятели ти и колегите ти.
07:05
When you have a relationship with someone,
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Когато имаш връзка с някого,
07:07
helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.
a natural part of that relationship.
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да си помогате е нещо обичайно.
07:11
It's how we show one another that we care.
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Така показваме, колко държим един на друг.
07:13
If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,
or payments into that,
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Ако въведете подбуда или плащания там
07:17
what can happen is, it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,
like it isn't a relationship,
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започва да се чувства, че това не е връзка
07:21
it's a transaction.
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това е по-скоро транзакция.
07:23
And that actually
is experienced as distancing,
is experienced as distancing,
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И това се преживява като дистанцирането,
07:25
which, ironically, makes people
less likely to help you.
less likely to help you.
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прави хоратя по-малко вероятно да ти помогнат
07:29
So a spontaneous gift
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Един спонтанен подарък след като някой
07:31
after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude --
to show your appreciation and gratitude --
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ти помогне и по този начин да благодариш
07:35
perfectly fine.
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е достатъчно добра идея.
07:37
An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment
to help you move into your new apartment
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Да предложиш на най-добрия си приятел пари
07:41
is not.
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за да ти помогне да се изместиш, не е.
07:42
OK, third rule,
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Добре, трети съвет.
07:44
and I really mean this one:
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и наистина имам предвид това:
07:45
please do not ask for help
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моля те не искай помощ
07:48
over email or text.
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чрез имейл или съобщение.
07:51
Really, seriously, please don't.
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Серизно, наистина, недей.
07:53
Email and text are impersonal.
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Имейлите и съобщенията са безлични.
07:56
I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,
there's no alternative,
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Забелязала съм, че понякога няма как,
07:58
but mostly what happens is,
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но в повечето случаи се получава така че
08:01
we like to ask for help
over email and text
over email and text
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искаме помощ по този начин, защото
08:04
because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.
for us to do so.
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се чувстваме по-малко неудобно.
08:08
You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?
less awkward over email and text?
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Знаете ли кое още по-малко неудобно?
08:12
Telling you no.
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Да ви кажат не.
08:14
And it turns out, there's
research to support this.
research to support this.
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И се оказва, че има изследвания, които подкрепят това.
08:17
In-person requests for help
are 30 times more likely to get a yes
are 30 times more likely to get a yes
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Искайки лично помощ е 30 пъти по-вероятно
08:22
than a request made by email.
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да ти кажат да, отколкото чрез имейл.
08:25
So when something is really important
and you really need someone's help,
and you really need someone's help,
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Ако нещо е много важно и имаш нужда от
08:28
make face time to make the request,
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помощ отиди лично да поискаш тази помощ
08:31
or use your phone as a phone --
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или ползвай телефона си по предназначение
08:34
(Laughter)
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(Смях)
08:36
to ask for the help that you need.
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да искаш нужната помощ.
08:39
OK.
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Добре.
08:40
Last one, and this is actually
a really, really important one
a really, really important one
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Последно и това е наистина много важно
08:44
and probably the one
that is most overlooked
that is most overlooked
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и вероятно най-пренебрегнатото
08:46
when it comes to asking for help:
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когато идва момента за помощ:
08:48
when you ask someone
for their help and they say yes,
for their help and they say yes,
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когато искате помощ и те ви кажат да
08:51
follow up with them afterward.
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след това отново се свържете с тях.
08:54
There's a common misconception
that what's rewarding about helping
that what's rewarding about helping
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Има общо погрешно схващане, че ще бъдеш
08:57
is the act of helping itself.
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възнаграден от помощта, която си дал.
09:00
This is not true.
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Това не е вярно.
09:01
What is rewarding about helping
is knowing that your help landed,
is knowing that your help landed,
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Възнаграждението от това да помогнеш е
09:05
that it had impact,
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въздействието, което си причинил
09:07
that you were effective.
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и това, че си бил ефективен.
09:09
If I have no idea
how my help affected you,
how my help affected you,
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Ако нямам представа дали помощта ми ти е
09:13
how am I supposed to feel about it?
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въздействала как трябва да се чувствам?
09:14
This happened; I was a university
professor for many years,
professor for many years,
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Това ми се случи; бях професор в университет
09:17
I wrote lots and lots
of letters of recommendation
of letters of recommendation
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написах толкова много препоръки за хора
09:20
for people to get jobs
or to go into graduate school.
or to go into graduate school.
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за да получат работа или да продължат
09:22
And probably about 95 percent of them,
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обучението си.
09:25
I have no idea what happened.
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Вероятно за 95% от тях не знам какво стана.
09:27
Now, how do I feel about the time
and effort I took to do that,
and effort I took to do that,
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Как трябва да се чувствам сега, когато
09:30
when I really have no idea
if I helped you,
if I helped you,
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не знам дали съм помогнала
09:33
if it actually helped you
get the thing that you wanted?
get the thing that you wanted?
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да получат това, което искаха?
09:36
In fact, this idea of feeling effective
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Факт е, да се чувстваме ефективни е част
09:38
is part of why certain kinds
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
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от някои донорски жалби, които са толкова
09:44
because they allow you
to really vividly imagine
to really vividly imagine
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убедителни защото ти позволяват да си
09:47
the effect that your help
is going to have.
is going to have.
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представиш ефекта от това да помогнеш.
09:49
Take something like DonorsChoose.
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Предприеми нещо като DonorsChoose.
09:52
You go online, you can choose
the individual teacher by name
the individual teacher by name
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Отиваш онлайн, избираш учител по име
09:55
whose classroom you're going
to be able to help
to be able to help
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на коя класна стая можеш да помогнеш
09:58
by literally buying the specific
items they've requested,
items they've requested,
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като купиш специфични неща, които се изискват
10:01
like microscopes or laptops
or flexible seating.
or flexible seating.
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като микроскоп, лаптоп или гъвкави седалки
10:05
An appeal like that makes it
so easy for me to imagine
so easy for me to imagine
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Тази молба за помощ ти показва доброто
10:09
the good that my money will do,
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което може да причинят парите
10:10
that I actually get
an immediate sense of effectiveness
an immediate sense of effectiveness
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и веднага се чувствам ефективен
10:13
the minute I commit to giving.
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момента, когато съм готова да даря.
10:15
But you know what else they do?
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Знаете ли какво също правят?
10:16
They follow up.
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Свързват се с вас.
10:18
Donors actually get letters
from the kids in the classroom.
from the kids in the classroom.
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Донорите получават писма от децата.
10:22
They get pictures.
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Получават снимки.
10:23
They get to know
that they made a difference.
that they made a difference.
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Тогава разбирате, че сте направили промяна.
10:26
And this is something we need
to all be doing in our everyday lives,
to all be doing in our everyday lives,
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Това трябва всички да правим днес
10:29
especially if we want people
to continue to give us help
to continue to give us help
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особено, ако искаме хората да ни помогат
10:32
over the long term.
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в продължителен план.
10:34
Take time to tell your colleague
that the help that they gave you
that the help that they gave you
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Отделете време да благодарите на онзи
10:37
really helped you land that big sale,
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колега, който ви помогна за продажбата,
10:39
or helped you get that interview
that you were really hoping to get.
that you were really hoping to get.
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или за онова интервю, за което се надявахте
10:43
Take time to tell your partner
that the support they gave you
that the support they gave you
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Отделете време да кажете на парньора си за
10:46
really made it possible for you
to get through a tough time.
to get through a tough time.
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подкрепата в труден момент за вас.
10:50
Take time to tell your catsitter
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Отделете време да кажете на детегледачката
10:52
that you're super happy
that for some reason,
that for some reason,
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че сте щастливи, че котките не са счупили
10:55
this time the cats didn't break
anything while you were away,
anything while you were away,
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нищо, докато ви е нямало и че
10:58
and so they must have done
a really good job.
a really good job.
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наистина са свършили добра работа.
11:02
The bottom line is:
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Основното нещо е:
11:03
I know -- believe me, I know --
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Знам, повярвайте ми, знам
11:05
that it is not easy to ask for help.
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че не е лесно да молиш за помощ.
11:09
We are all a little bit afraid to do it.
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Ние сме малко страхливи да го направим.
11:11
It makes us feel vulnerable.
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Кара ни да се чувстваме уязвими.
11:13
But the reality of modern work
and modern life
and modern life
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Истината за модерна работа
и модерен живот е,
и модерен живот е,
11:18
is that nobody does it alone.
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че никой не го прави сам.
11:20
Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.
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Никой не успява във вакуум
11:22
More than ever, we actually do
have to rely on other people,
have to rely on other people,
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Както никога, трябва да
разчитаме на другите
разчитаме на другите
11:26
on their support and collaboration,
in order to be successful.
in order to be successful.
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за подкрепа и сътрудничество
за да сме успешни.
за да сме успешни.
11:30
So when you need help,
ask for it out loud.
ask for it out loud.
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За това, когато имаш нужда от помощ,
го кажи на глас.
го кажи на глас.
11:35
And when you do, do it in a way
that increases your chances
that increases your chances
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И го направи така че да увеличиш шансовете
11:38
that you'll get a yes
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си да ти кажат да.
11:39
and makes the other person
feel awesome for having helped you,
feel awesome for having helped you,
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и накарай другия човек да се почувства
11:44
because you both deserve it.
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чудесно, че ти е помогнал,
защото и двамата го заслужавате.
защото и двамата го заслужавате.
11:46
Thank you.
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Благодаря ви.
11:47
(Applause)
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(Аплодисменти)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Heidi Grant - Social psychologistHeidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making.
Why you should listen
Dr. Heidi Grant is the Chief Science Officer for the Neuroleadership Institute, Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University, and author of six best-selling books, including: Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, No One Understands You and What to Do About It and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently. In 2017, Grant was named one of Thinkers50's most influential management thinkers globally.
Heidi Grant | Speaker | TED.com