TEDxBoulder
Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go
Ash Beckham: Kada se suprotstaviti - i kada ne
Filmed:
Readability: 3.4
1,623,269 views
Ash Beckham se nedavno našla u situaciji zbog koje se zapitala: tko sam ja? Osjećala se razvučeno između dvije uloge - kao teta i kao odvjetnica. Svatko od nas ponekad osjeća ovu borbu, kaže - i nudi hrabre savjete kako ustati za svoj moralni integritet kada to nije prikladno.
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding,
in Ohio for a family wedding,
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Ove godine sam navratila u Ohio
zbog vjenčanja u obitelji
zbog vjenčanja u obitelji
00:19
and when I was there,
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i dok sam bila tamo,
00:22
there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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upoznala sam Annu i Elsu iz
"Snježnog kraljevstva".
"Snježnog kraljevstva".
00:25
Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"
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Ne baš Annu i Elsu
iz "Snježnog kraljevstva"
iz "Snježnog kraljevstva"
00:29
as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.
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jer ovaj događaj nije financirao Disney.
00:32
These two entrepreneurs had
a business of running princess parties.
a business of running princess parties.
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Dvije poduzetnice su imale posao
održavanja tuluma za princeze.
održavanja tuluma za princeze.
00:36
Your kid is turning five?
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Vaša klinka navršava 5?
00:38
They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
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Otpjevat će par pjesama, posuti malo
vilinskog praha, odlično je.
vilinskog praha, odlično je.
00:41
And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity
to miss out on the opportunity
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I nisu mogle propustiti priliku
00:45
that was the phenomenon
and that was "Frozen."
and that was "Frozen."
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i fenomen poput
"Snježnog kraljevstva".
"Snježnog kraljevstva".
00:48
So they get hired by a local toy store,
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Unajmila ih je lokalna trgovina
s igračkama,
s igračkama,
00:49
kids come in on a Saturday morning,
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klinci dolaze u subotu ujutro,
00:51
buy some Disney swag, get their
picture taken with the princesses,
picture taken with the princesses,
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pokupuju Disney stvari,
slikaju se s princezama,
slikaju se s princezama,
00:54
call it a day.
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i to je to.
00:56
It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions.
without the seasonal restrictions.
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Kao Djed Mraz, bez sezonskih ograničenja.
00:59
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:00
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it.
Samantha was in the thick of it.
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Moja tro i pol godišnja nećakinja je bila
luda za time.
luda za time.
01:05
She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books
were signing posters and coloring books
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Nije ju bilo briga što te dvije žene
potpisuju postere i bojanke
potpisuju postere i bojanke
01:10
as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
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kao Snježna kraljica i princeza Ana s
jednim N da izbjegnu tužbu.
jednim N da izbjegnu tužbu.
01:16
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:17
According to my niece and the 200-plus
kids in the parking lot that day,
kids in the parking lot that day,
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Za moju nećakinju i više od 200
klinaca na parkingu tog dana,
klinaca na parkingu tog dana,
01:22
this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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to su bile Anna i Elsa
iz "Snježnog kraljevstva".
iz "Snježnog kraljevstva".
01:28
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio.
in August in Ohio.
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Opako je vruće subotnje kolovoško
jutro u Ohiju.
jutro u Ohiju.
01:33
We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled start time,
the scheduled start time,
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Došli smo tamo u 10,
prema rasporedu početka,
prema rasporedu početka,
01:37
and we are handed number 59.
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i dobili smo broj 59.
01:39
By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25;
numbers 21 through 25;
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Do 11 sati, prozvali su
brojeve od 21 do 25;
brojeve od 21 do 25;
01:43
this was going to be a while,
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ovo će potrajati,
01:45
and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
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a ne postoji količina besplatnih boja za
lice ili privremenih tetovaža
lice ili privremenih tetovaža
01:50
that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store.
that were occurring outside of the store.
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koja bi spriječila topljenje
koje se događalo ispred trgovine.
koje se događalo ispred trgovine.
01:53
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:55
So, by 12:30 we get called:
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Do 12:30 smo i mi pozvani u red:
01:59
"56 to 63, please."
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"56 do 63, molim."
02:02
And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you
I can only describe you
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I kako smo ušli, vidjeli smo scenu koju
vam jedino mogu opisati
vam jedino mogu opisati
02:05
as saying it looked like Norway threw up.
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tako da vam kažem da je izgledalo
kao da je Norveška povratila.
kao da je Norveška povratila.
02:08
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:10
There were cardboard
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
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Kartonske pahuljice su pokrivale pod,
02:14
glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls.
and icicles all over the walls.
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šljokice na svakoj ravnoj površini
i sige po zidovima.
i sige po zidovima.
I kako smo stajali u redu,
02:20
And as we stood in line
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02:21
in an attempt to give
my niece a better vantage point
my niece a better vantage point
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u pokušaju da mojoj nećakinji dam
bolji pogled
bolji pogled
02:23
than the backside
of the mother of number 58,
of the mother of number 58,
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od stražnjice majke broj 58,
02:26
I put her up on my shoulders,
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stavila sam ju na svoja ramena,
02:28
and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.
by the sight of the princesses.
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i bila je instantno oduševljena pogledom
na princeze.
na princeze.
Kako smo se pomicali prema naprijed,
njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo,
njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo,
02:32
And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew,
her excitement only grew,
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02:34
and as we finally got
to the front of the line,
to the front of the line,
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i kada smo napokon došli do početka reda,
02:37
and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses,
to be signed by the princesses,
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a broj 58 je raširila svoj plakat
princezama na potpis,
princezama na potpis,
02:40
I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.
running through her body.
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mogla sam doslovno osjetiti uzbuđenje
u njenom tijelu.
u njenom tijelu.
I budimo iskreni, u tom trenutku, i ja
sam bila već poprilično uzbuđena.
sam bila već poprilično uzbuđena.
02:44
And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
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02:47
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:48
I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.
was mesmerizing.
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Skandinavska dekadencija je bila
očaravajuća.
očaravajuća.
02:51
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:52
So we get to the front of the line,
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Dakle dođemo na početak reda
02:54
and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says,
turns to my niece and says,
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i izmorena se prodavačica okrene prema
mojoj nećakinji i kaže:
mojoj nećakinji i kaže:
02:57
"Hi, honey. You're next!
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"Hej, dušo. Ti si sljedeća!
02:59
Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay
or you're going to stay
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Želiš li sići ili ćeš ostati
03:01
on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'
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na tatinim ramenima za sliku?"
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:05
And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen.
of a better word, frozen.
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Bila sam, u nedostatku bolje riječi,
zaleđena.
zaleđena.
03:09
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:11
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question,
we are faced with the question,
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Zadivljujuće je to što smo u neočekivanoj
sekundi došli do pitanja
sekundi došli do pitanja
03:15
who am I?
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tko sam ja?
03:17
Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?
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Jesam li teta? Ili sam odvjetnik?
03:20
Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation,
about how to have a hard conversation,
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Milijuni su ljudi vidjeli moj video o
teškim razgovorima,
teškim razgovorima,
03:24
and there one was, right in front of me.
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a ispred mene je stajao
upravo jedan takav.
upravo jedan takav.
03:26
At the same time,
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U isto vrijeme,
03:27
there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life,
to me than the kids in my life,
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ništa mi nije važnije nego
djeca u mom životu,
djeca u mom životu,
03:30
so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in,
that we so often find ourselves in,
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stoga sam se našla u situaciji
u kojoj se tako često nalazimo,
u kojoj se tako često nalazimo,
03:34
torn between two things,
two impossible choices.
two impossible choices.
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rastrgani između dvije stvari,
dva nemoguća izbora.
dva nemoguća izbora.
03:37
Would I be an advocate?
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Hoću li biti odvjetnik?
03:39
Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
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Hoću li skinuti nećakinju s ramena
i okrenuti se prodavačici da joj objasnim
i okrenuti se prodavačici da joj objasnim
03:44
that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father,
her aunt, not her father,
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da sam joj, ustvari, teta, a ne otac,
03:47
and that she should be more careful
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i da bi morala biti pažljivija
03:50
and not to jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
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a ne skakati na zaključke o rodu na
temelju frizure i ramena --
temelju frizure i ramena --
03:54
(Laughter) --
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(Smijeh) --
03:55
and while doing that,
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i dok to radim,
03:57
miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
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propustim ono što je, do ovog trenutka,
najveći trenutak života moje nećakinje.
najveći trenutak života moje nećakinje.
04:03
Or would I be an aunt?
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Ili ću biti teta?
04:05
Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures,
take a million pictures,
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Hoću li zaboraviti na taj komentar,
slikati milijun fotografija,
slikati milijun fotografija,
04:08
and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment,
from the pure joy of that moment,
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i da mi ništa ni na sekundu ne odvuče
pažnju s čiste radosti tog trenutka,
pažnju s čiste radosti tog trenutka,
04:13
and by doing that,
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i čineći to,
04:15
walk out with the shame that comes up
for not standing up for myself,
for not standing up for myself,
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izaći sa sramotom koja dolazi kada se ne
postavite za sebe,
postavite za sebe,
04:18
especially in front of my niece.
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pogotovo ispred moje nećakinje.
04:20
Who was I?
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Tko sam ja?
04:22
Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it?
Which role was more worth it?
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Što je bilo važnije?
Koja je uloga bila važnija?
Koja je uloga bila važnija?
04:27
Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?
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Jesam li bila teta ili odvjetnik?
04:30
And I had a split second to decide.
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Imala sam dijelić sekunde da odlučim.
04:34
We are taught right now
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Učeni smo trenutačno
04:36
that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity.
of constant and increasing polarity.
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da živimo u svijetu konstantne i
povećavajuće polarnosti.
povećavajuće polarnosti.
04:40
It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong.
so us and them, so right and wrong.
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Toliko je crno i bijelo, toliko mi i oni,
toliko ispravno i pogrešno.
toliko ispravno i pogrešno.
04:45
There is no middle,
there is no gray, just polarity.
there is no gray, just polarity.
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Ne postoji sredina,
ne postoji siva zona, samo polarnost.
ne postoji siva zona, samo polarnost.
Polarnost je stanje u kojemu su dvije
ideje ili mišljenja
ideje ili mišljenja
04:49
Polarity is a state in which
two ideas or opinions
two ideas or opinions
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04:52
are completely opposite from each other;
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u potpunoj međusobnoj suprotnosti;
04:54
a diametrical opposition.
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dijametralno suprotni.
04:58
Which side are you on?
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Na čijoj si strani?
05:00
Are you unequivocally and without question
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
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Jeste li bespogovorno protiv rata,
za izbor, protiv smrtne kazne,
za izbor, protiv smrtne kazne,
05:04
pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders and pro-union?
of open borders and pro-union?
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za regulaciju oružja, za otvorene granice
i za uniju?
i za uniju?
05:08
Or, are you absolutely
and uncompromisingly
and uncompromisingly
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Ili ste potpuno i beskompromisno
05:13
pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,
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za rat, za život, za smrtnu kaznu,
05:15
a believer that the Second
Amendment is absolute,
Amendment is absolute,
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vjerujete da je drugi amandman apsolutan,
05:18
anti-immigrant and pro-business?
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protiv imigranata i za posao?
05:19
It's all or none, you're with us
or against us.
or against us.
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Ovo je sve ili ništa, ili si s nama ili
si protiv nas.
si protiv nas.
05:21
That is polarity.
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To je polarnost.
05:24
The problem with polarity
and absolutes is that
and absolutes is that
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Problem s polarnošću je taj
05:29
it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience
of our human experience
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što eliminira individualnost
našeg ljudskog iskustva
našeg ljudskog iskustva
05:34
and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.
to our human nature.
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i to ga čini kontradiktornim
ljudskoj prirodi.
ljudskoj prirodi.
No ako smo povučeni u ova dva smjera,
05:39
But if we are pulled
in these two directions,
in these two directions,
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to nije ono gdje zapravo postojimo --
05:41
but it's not really where we exist --
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05:43
polarity is not our actual reality --
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polarnost nije naša stvarnost --
05:45
where do we go from there?
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gdje polazimo otamo?
05:47
What's at the other end of that spectrum?
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Što je na drugom kraju tog spektra?
05:50
I don't think it's an unattainable,
harmonious utopia,
harmonious utopia,
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Ne mislim da je to nedostižna
harmonijska utopija,
harmonijska utopija,
05:54
I think the opposite
of polarity is duality.
of polarity is duality.
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mislim da je suprotno polarnosti dualnost.
05:58
Duality is a state of having two parts,
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Dualnost je stanje u kojemu
imate dva dijela,
imate dva dijela,
06:00
but not in diametrical opposition,
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no ne dijametralno suprotna,
06:03
in simultaneous existence.
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već u istodobnoj koegzistenciji.
06:06
Don't think it's possible?
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Mislite da nije moguće?
06:08
Here are the people I know:
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Ovo su ljudi koje znam:
06:10
I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
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Znam katolike koji su za izbor,
feministkinje koje nose hidžab,
feministkinje koje nose hidžab,
06:13
and veterans who are antiwar,
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veterane koji su protiv rata,
06:15
and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married.
I should be able to get married.
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ljubitelje oružja koji misle da bih se
trebala moći oženiti.
trebala moći oženiti.
06:18
Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family,
those are my friends and family,
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Te ljude znam, to su mi
prijatelji i obitelj,
prijatelji i obitelj,
06:21
that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me.
that is you, that is me.
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to je većina našeg društva,
to ste vi, to sam ja.
to ste vi, to sam ja.
06:24
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
06:32
Duality is the ability
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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Dualnost je sposobnost držanja
dvije stvari.
dvije stvari.
06:38
But the question is:
Can we own our duality?
Can we own our duality?
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No, pitanje je, možemo li
posjedovati svoju dualnost?
posjedovati svoju dualnost?
06:42
Can we have the courage
to hold both things?
to hold both things?
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Možemo li imati hrabrosti
držati obje stvari?
držati obje stvari?
06:46
I work at a restaurant in town,
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Radim u restoranu u gradu
06:48
I became really good friends
with the busser.
with the busser.
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i postala sam dobar prijatelj s kolegicom.
06:51
I was a server and we had
a great relationship,
a great relationship,
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Bila sam poslužitelj i imale smo
odličnu vezu,
odličnu vezu,
06:54
we had a really great time together.
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bilo nam je odlično zajedno.
06:56
Her Spanish was great
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Njen španjolski je bio odličan
06:59
because she was from Mexico.
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jer je bila iz Meksika.
07:01
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:03
That line actually went the other way.
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Ta rečenica je trebala ići suprotno.
07:05
Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish.
but significantly better than my Spanish.
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Njen engleski je bio ograničen, no
značajno bolji od mog španjolskog.
značajno bolji od mog španjolskog.
07:12
But we were united by our similarities,
134
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3829
No ujedinile smo se svojim sličnostima,
07:15
not separated by our differences.
135
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2900
a ne odvojile zbog razlika.
07:18
And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds.
we came from very different worlds.
136
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3120
Bile smo bliske iako smo bile iz
drugačijih svjetova.
drugačijih svjetova.
07:21
She was from Mexico,
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1140
Ona je bila iz Meksika,
07:23
she left her family behind
so she could come here
so she could come here
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3331
ostavila je obitelj kako bi ona
mogla doći ovdje
mogla doći ovdje
07:26
and afford them a better life back home.
139
434169
1980
i priuštiti im tamo bolji život.
07:28
She was a devout conservative Catholic,
140
436166
2940
Bila je pobožna konzervativna katolkinja,
07:31
a believer in traditional family values,
141
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2720
vjerovala je u tradicionalne
obiteljske vrijednosti,
obiteljske vrijednosti,
07:34
stereotypical roles of men and women,
142
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2106
stereotipne uloge muškarca i žene,
07:36
and I was, well, me.
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2794
a ja sam bila, pa, ja.
07:38
(Laughter)
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1904
(Smijeh)
07:40
But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
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3685
No ono što nas je zbližilo
je bilo kada je pitala za moju djevojku
je bilo kada je pitala za moju djevojku
07:44
or she shared pictures that she had
from her family back home.
from her family back home.
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3468
ili dijelila slike svoje obitelji.
07:47
Those were the things
that brought us together.
that brought us together.
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2627
To su bile stvari koje su nas zbližile.
07:50
So one day, we were in the back,
148
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1586
Jednog dana, bile smo otraga,
07:52
scarfing down food as quickly as we could,
gathered around a small table,
gathered around a small table,
149
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3679
ribajući hranu koliko smo brzo mogle,
okupljene oko malog stola,
okupljene oko malog stola,
07:55
during a very rare lull,
150
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1630
tjekom vrlo rijetkog zatišja,
07:57
and a new guy
from the kitchen came over --
from the kitchen came over --
151
465313
2010
i novi dećko u kuhinji je prišao --
07:59
who happened to be her cousin --
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1662
bio je njen rođak --
08:01
and sat down with all
the bravado and machismo
the bravado and machismo
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2802
i sjeo s nama sa svim bravadom
i mačizmom
i mačizmom
08:03
that his 20-year-old body could hold.
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2161
koje je njegovo 20-godišnje
tijelo moglo držati.
tijelo moglo držati.
08:06
(Laughter)
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1821
(Smijeh)
08:07
And he said to her,
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
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475772
4972
Rekao joj je: [španjolski]
"Ima li Ash dečka?"
"Ima li Ash dečka?"
08:14
And she said,
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
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481904
3952
Uzvratila mu je: [španjolski]
"Ne, ima djevojku."
"Ne, ima djevojku."
08:19
And he said,
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
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3525
A on je rekao: [španjolski] "Djevojku?!?"
08:23
And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him,
and locked eyes with him,
159
490912
3112
Odložila je svoju vilicu,
prodorno ga pogledala
prodorno ga pogledala
08:26
and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,
a girlfriend. That is all."
a girlfriend. That is all."
160
494025
5022
i rekla: [španjolski] "Da, djevojku.
To bi bilo sve."
To bi bilo sve."
08:31
And his smug smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect,
to one of maternal respect,
161
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4892
Njegov štemerski osmijeh je zamijenjen
onim poštovanjem prema majci,
onim poštovanjem prema majci,
08:36
grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work.
went back to work.
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3202
uzeo je svoj tanjur, odšetao
i vratio se na posao.
i vratio se na posao.
08:39
She never made eye contact with me.
163
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1734
Nije me niti pogledala.
08:41
She left, did the same thing --
164
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1715
Otišla je, napravila istu stvar --
08:43
it was a 10-second conversation,
such a short interaction.
such a short interaction.
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3270
bio je to razgovor od 10 sekundi,
vrlo kratka interakcija.
vrlo kratka interakcija.
08:46
And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him:
so much more in common with him:
166
514655
2536
Na papiru je imala mnogo više toga
zajedničkog s njim:
zajedničkog s njim:
08:49
language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here,
her community was her lifeline here,
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5098
jezik, kulturu, povijest, obitelj,
njena zajednica je bila njen život ovdje,
njena zajednica je bila njen život ovdje,
08:54
but her moral compass trumped all of that.
168
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4171
no njen moralni kompas je odbacio sve to.
08:58
And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
169
526461
3662
Malo kasnije su se zezali u
kuhinji na španjolskom,
kuhinji na španjolskom,
09:02
that had nothing to do with me,
170
530124
1900
o nečemu što nije imalo veze sa mnom,
09:04
and that is duality.
171
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2444
i to je dualnost.
09:06
She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance
on gayness over her heritage.
on gayness over her heritage.
172
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4513
Nije morala izabrati neko stajalište o
homoseksualnosti umjesto svog naslijeđa.
homoseksualnosti umjesto svog naslijeđa.
09:11
She didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship.
her family over our friendship.
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Nije morala izabrati svoju obitelj umjesto
našeg prijateljstva.
našeg prijateljstva.
09:14
It wasn't Jesus or Ash.
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2274
Nije bilo ili Isus ili Ash.
09:16
(Laughter)
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544409
1967
(Smijeh)
09:20
(Applause)
176
548556
1937
(Pljesak)
09:27
Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted
was so strongly rooted
177
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4577
Njena individualna moralnost je
bila toliko duboko ukorijenjena
bila toliko duboko ukorijenjena
09:31
that she had the courage
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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3381
da je imala hrabrosti držati
obje stvari.
obje stvari.
09:35
Our moral integrity is our responsibility
179
563143
3181
Naš moralni integritet je naša odgovornost
09:38
and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient.
even when it's not convenient.
180
566325
4231
i moramo ga biti spremni braniti
čak i kada nije prikladno.
čak i kada nije prikladno.
09:42
That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
181
570557
3313
To znači biti saveznik, i ako ćete
biti saveznik,
biti saveznik,
09:46
you have to be an active ally:
182
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2287
morate biti aktivan saveznik:
09:48
Ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate,
something inappropriate,
183
576158
3887
Ispitujte, reagirajte kada čujete nešto
neprimjereno,
neprimjereno,
09:52
actually engage.
184
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2028
zapravo pristupite.
09:54
I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
185
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4433
Imala sam godinama obiteljsku prijateljicu
koja je moju curu zvala mojom ljubavnicom.
koja je moju curu zvala mojom ljubavnicom.
10:00
Really? Lover?
186
588531
2444
Ozbiljno? Ljubavnica?
10:03
So overly sexual,
187
590976
2024
Toliko previše seksualno,
10:05
so '70s gay porn.
188
593001
2045
toliko gay pornići iz '70-ih.
10:07
(Laughter)
189
595047
1206
(Smijeh)
10:11
But she was trying, and she asked.
190
599293
2495
No trudila se, pa je pitala.
10:13
She could have called her my friend,
191
601789
1783
Mogla ju je zvati mojom prijateljicom,
10:15
or my "friend," or my "special friend" --
192
603573
4134
ili mojom "prijateljicom" ili mojom
"posebnom prijateljicom" --
"posebnom prijateljicom" --
10:19
(Laughter) --
193
607708
1384
(Smijeh) --
10:21
or even worse, just not asked at all.
194
609093
2965
ili još gore, mogla je ne pitati uopće.
10:24
Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
195
612059
3630
Vjerujte mi, draže nam je da pitate.
10:27
I would rather have her say lover,
than say nothing at all.
than say nothing at all.
196
615690
5241
Radije bih da ju zove ljubavnicom, nego
da ne kaže ništa.
da ne kaže ništa.
10:33
People often say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
197
620932
3031
Ljudi mi često govore,
"Pa, Ash, mene nije briga.
"Pa, Ash, mene nije briga.
10:36
I don't see race
or religion or sexuality.
or religion or sexuality.
198
623964
3792
Ne vidim rase, religije ili seksualnost.
10:39
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
199
627757
2843
Nije mi važno, ne vidim to."
10:44
But I think the opposite of homophobia
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
200
631910
5334
No, mislim da suprotnost homofobiji,
rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav,
rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav,
10:49
it's apathy.
201
637245
1613
nego apatija.
10:51
If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me.
then you don't see me.
202
638859
4103
Ako ne vidite moju homoseksualnost,
onda ne vidite mene.
onda ne vidite mene.
10:55
If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with,
who I sleep with,
203
642963
2985
Ako vam nije važno s kime spavam,
10:58
then you cannot imagine what it feels like
204
645949
2185
onda ne možete zamisliti koji je osjećaj
11:00
when I walk down the street
late at night holding her hand,
late at night holding her hand,
205
648135
2876
kada hodam ulicom kasno noću
držeći njenu ruku,
držeći njenu ruku,
11:03
and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision
and have to make the decision
206
651011
2818
pristupiti grupi ljudi i morati odlučiti
11:06
if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop it
or if I should I drop it
207
653829
2345
da li da ju zadržim ili ispustim
11:08
when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter.
is squeeze it tighter.
208
656175
2318
kada sve što želim je stisnuti je čvršće.
11:10
And the small victory I feel
209
658494
2517
I malu pobjedu koju osjećam
11:13
when I make it by
and don't have to let go.
and don't have to let go.
210
661012
2707
kada prođem i ne moram joj
pustiti ruku.
pustiti ruku.
11:15
And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
211
663720
5118
I neopisiv kukavičluk i razočarenje koje
osjećam kada ju pustim.
osjećam kada ju pustim.
11:21
If you do not see that struggle
212
668839
1948
Ako ne vidite tu borbu
11:22
that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
213
670788
6475
koja je jednistvena mojem ljudskom
iskustvu jer sam gay, tada ne vidite mene.
iskustvu jer sam gay, tada ne vidite mene.
11:29
If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me.
I need you to see me.
214
677264
5414
Ako ćete biti saveznik,
trebate me vidjeti.
trebate me vidjeti.
11:34
As individuals, as allies, as humans,
215
682679
2943
Kao individualci, kao saveznici,
kao ljudi,
kao ljudi,
11:37
we need to be able to hold both things:
216
685622
3000
moramo moći držati obje stvari:
11:40
both the good and the bad,
217
688622
2448
i dobro i zlo,
11:43
the easy and the hard.
218
691070
1830
i lako i teško.
11:45
You don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff,
two things just from the fluff,
219
692900
4471
Nije lako naučiti kako držati
dvije drugačije stvari,
dvije drugačije stvari,
11:49
you learn it from the grit.
220
697372
2401
naprotiv, teško je.
11:51
And what if duality
is just the first step?
is just the first step?
221
699774
3384
I što ako je dualnost samo prvi korak?
11:56
What if through compassion
and empathy and human interaction
and empathy and human interaction
222
704308
4829
Što ako smo kroz empatiju, suosjećanje
i ljudsku interakciju
i ljudsku interakciju
12:01
we are able to learn to hold two things?
223
709138
2394
u mogućnosti naučiti držati dvije stvari?
12:03
And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four,
two things, we can hold four,
224
711533
2314
Ako možemo držati dvije stvari,
možemo držati 4,
možemo držati 4,
12:06
and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight,
we can hold eight,
225
713848
2010
ako možemo 4, možemo i 8,
12:08
and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds.
we can hold hundreds.
226
715859
2240
ako možemo 8, možemo na stotine.
12:10
We are complex individuals,
227
718100
2462
Kompleksni smo individualci,
12:12
swirls of contradiction.
228
720562
1800
vrtlozi kontradikcije.
12:14
You are all holding
so many things right now.
so many things right now.
229
722362
2605
Svi trenutačno držite toliko stvari.
12:18
What can you do to hold just a few more?
230
725888
3442
Što možete napraviti da primite
samo nekoliko njih više?
samo nekoliko njih više?
12:22
So, back to Toledo, Ohio.
231
730100
2137
Dakle, natrag na Toledo, Ohio.
12:24
I'm at the front of the line,
232
732237
2180
Na početku sam reda,
12:26
niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
233
734417
4102
nećakinja na mojim ramenima, iscrpljena
radnica me nazove tatom.
radnica me nazove tatom.
12:30
Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender?
for the wrong gender?
234
738520
3560
Jesu li vama ikada pogriješili spol?
12:35
Not even that.
235
743111
2198
Čak ni to.
12:37
Have you ever been called
something you are not?
something you are not?
236
745310
4449
Jesu li vas ikada nazvali
nečime što niste?
nečime što niste?
12:43
Here's what it feels like for me:
237
751509
2530
Ovako je to za mene:
12:46
I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions.
of contrasting emotions.
238
754040
4073
U trenutku postajem unutarnja oluja
kontrastnih osjećaja.
kontrastnih osjećaja.
12:50
I break out into a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation,
a combination of rage and humiliation,
239
758114
5542
probije mi znoj koji je kombinacija
bijesa i poniženja,
bijesa i poniženja,
12:55
I feel like the entire store
is staring at me,
is staring at me,
240
763657
2960
osjećam se kao da cijela
trgovina gleda u mene,
trgovina gleda u mene,
12:58
and I simultaneously feel invisible.
241
766618
2560
i istovremeno se osjećam nevidljivom.
13:01
I want to explode in a tirade of fury,
242
769179
2943
Želim eksplodirati u tiradu bijesa,
13:04
and I want to crawl under a rock.
243
772123
2593
i želim se podvući pod kamen.
13:06
And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing
with the frustration that I'm wearing
244
774717
3102
Na vrhu svega toga se nalazi frustracija
jer nosim
jer nosim
13:10
an out-of-character
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
245
777820
3598
usku, ljubičastu, vankarakternu majicu,
13:13
so this whole store can see my boobs,
246
781418
2038
tako da mi cijeli dućan vidi sise,
13:15
to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen.
same thing doesn't happen.
247
783456
3001
kako bih osigurala da se
baš ta stvar ne dogodi.
baš ta stvar ne dogodi.
13:18
(Laughter)
248
786458
2182
(Smijeh)
13:20
But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am,
to be seen as the gender I am,
249
788640
4322
No, unatoč mojim najboljim naporima
da budem viđena u spolu koji jesam,
da budem viđena u spolu koji jesam,
13:25
it still happens.
250
792962
1841
i dalje se događa.
13:27
And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one heard --
of my body that no one heard --
251
794804
4692
I nadam se svakim gramom svoga tijela da
nitko nije čuo --
nitko nije čuo --
13:31
not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece.
and certainly not my niece.
252
799497
4553
ni moja sestra, ni moja djevojka,
i definitivno ne moja nećakinja.
i definitivno ne moja nećakinja.
13:36
I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,
253
804050
2441
Naviknuta sam na ovu poznatu bol,
13:38
but I will do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it.
to protect the people I love from it.
254
806491
4075
no napravit ću što trebam da od nje
zaštitim ljude koje volim.
zaštitim ljude koje volim.
13:44
But then I take my niece off my shoulders,
255
811906
2534
No tada skidam nećakinju s ramena,
13:46
and she runs to Elsa and Anna --
256
814441
2174
i ona otrči Elsi i Anni --
13:48
the thing she's been
waiting so long for --
waiting so long for --
257
816616
2566
ono na što je toliko čekala --
13:51
and all that stuff goes away.
258
819183
2087
i sve to nestane.
13:53
All that matters is the smile on her face.
259
821270
3710
Sve što je važno je
osmijeh na njenom licu.
osmijeh na njenom licu.
13:57
And as the 30 seconds we waited
two and a half hours for comes to a close
two and a half hours for comes to a close
260
824980
5657
I kako 30 sekundi, na kojih smo čekali
dva i pol sata, dolazi kraju,
dva i pol sata, dolazi kraju,
14:02
we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
261
830638
5203
skupljamo stvari i ponovno susretnem
pogled prodavačice;
pogled prodavačice;
14:08
and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths,
an apologetic smile and mouths,
262
835842
3136
daje mi osmijeh isprike i oblikuje ustima:
14:11
"I am so sorry!"
263
838979
2296
"Tako mi je žao!"
14:13
(Laughter)
264
841276
2109
(Smijeh)
14:15
And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately,
her mistake disarms me immediately,
265
843386
5856
Njena humanost, njena volja da prizna
svoju pogrešku me razoružava trenutno,
svoju pogrešku me razoružava trenutno,
14:21
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens. But thanks."
it happens. But thanks."
266
849243
5172
i tada joj kažem:
"U redu je, događa se. Ali hvala."
"U redu je, događa se. Ali hvala."
14:26
And I realize in that moment
267
854416
2990
I shvatim u tom trenutku
14:29
that I don't have to be
268
857407
2037
da ne moram biti
14:31
either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both.
or an advocate, I can be both.
269
859445
4198
ili teta ili odvjetnik, mogu biti oboje.
14:37
I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things.
and I can hold two things.
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Mogu živjeti u dualnosti,
mogu držati dvije stvari.
mogu držati dvije stvari.
14:42
And if I can hold two things
in that environment,
in that environment,
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I ako u tom okruženju mogu držati
dvije stvari,
dvije stvari,
14:45
I can hold so many more things.
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mogu držati toliko mnogo više stvari.
14:47
As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out the front of the door,
and skip out the front of the door,
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Dok moja djevojka i moja nećakinja izlaze
iz trgovine držeći se za ruke,
iz trgovine držeći se za ruke,
14:51
I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?"
"Was it worth it?"
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okrenem se svojoj sestri i upitam:
"Je li vrijedilo?"
"Je li vrijedilo?"
14:54
And she said, "Are you kidding me?
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A ona mi vrati: "Zezaš me?
14:56
Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!"
This was the greatest day of her life!"
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Jesi li joj vidjela izraz lica? Ovo joj je
bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!"
bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!"
14:59
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
15:01
"It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat,
and a half hours in the heat,
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"Bilo je vrijedno
dva i pol sata na vrućini,
dva i pol sata na vrućini,
15:03
it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of."
that we already had a copy of."
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bilo je vrijedno precijenjene bojanke koju
i tako već imamo."
i tako već imamo."
15:08
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
15:10
"It was even worth you
getting called Dad."
getting called Dad."
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"Čak je bilo vrijedno i to da su te
nazvali tatom."
nazvali tatom."
15:13
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
15:17
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was.
in my life, it actually was.
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I po prvi put u mom životu,
zapravo i je bilo.
zapravo i je bilo.
15:23
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
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Hvala vam, Boulder. Ugodna vam noć.
15:25
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocateAsh Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.
Why you should listen
Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com