TEDxBoulder
Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go
Eš Bekam (Ash Beckham): Kada se usprotiviti - a kada popustiti
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Eš Bekam se nedavno našla u situciji zbog koje se zapitala: ko sam ja? Osetila se rastrgnutom između dve uloge - tetke i glasnogovornice. Svako od nas se povremeno suoči sa ovom borbom, kaže - i nudi nam odvažne predloge kako da se zauzmemo za naš moralni integritet kada to nije praktično.
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding,
in Ohio for a family wedding,
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Letos sam se vratila u Ohajo
zbog venčanja u porodici
zbog venčanja u porodici
00:19
and when I was there,
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i dok sam bila tamo,
00:22
there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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organizovano je upoznavanje
sa Anom i Elzom iz "Ledenog kraljevstva".
sa Anom i Elzom iz "Ledenog kraljevstva".
00:25
Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"
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Ne baš Anom i Elzom
iz "Ledenog kraljevstva",
iz "Ledenog kraljevstva",
00:29
as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.
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kako ovaj događaj nije odobrio Dizni.
00:32
These two entrepreneurs had
a business of running princess parties.
a business of running princess parties.
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Ove dve preduzetnice su se bavile
organizovanjem zabava za princeze.
organizovanjem zabava za princeze.
00:36
Your kid is turning five?
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Dete vam puni pet godina?
00:38
They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
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One će da dođu, otpevaju pesmice,
prospu malo vilinskog praha, sjajno je.
prospu malo vilinskog praha, sjajno je.
00:41
And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity
to miss out on the opportunity
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I nije im se propuštala prilika,
00:45
that was the phenomenon
and that was "Frozen."
and that was "Frozen."
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poput fenomena "Ledenog kraljevstva".
00:48
So they get hired by a local toy store,
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Unajmila ih je
lokalna prodavnica igračaka,
lokalna prodavnica igračaka,
00:49
kids come in on a Saturday morning,
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deca su došla u subotu ujutru,
00:51
buy some Disney swag, get their
picture taken with the princesses,
picture taken with the princesses,
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kupila nešto od Diznija,
slikala se s princezama
slikala se s princezama
00:54
call it a day.
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i to je bilo sve.
00:56
It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions.
without the seasonal restrictions.
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Nešto kao Deda Mraz,
bez sezonskog ograničenja.
bez sezonskog ograničenja.
00:59
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:00
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it.
Samantha was in the thick of it.
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A moja troipogodišnja nećaka Samanta
je bila oduševljena.
je bila oduševljena.
01:05
She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books
were signing posters and coloring books
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Nije je bilo briga što ove dve žene
potpisuju postere i bojanke
potpisuju postere i bojanke
01:10
as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
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kao Snežna kraljica i princeza Ana
s jednim n, kako bi izbegle tužbu.
s jednim n, kako bi izbegle tužbu.
01:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:17
According to my niece and the 200-plus
kids in the parking lot that day,
kids in the parking lot that day,
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Što se tiče moje nećake i više od 200 dece
tog dana na parkingu,
tog dana na parkingu,
01:22
this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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ovo su bile Ana i Elza
iz "Ledenog kraljevstva".
iz "Ledenog kraljevstva".
01:28
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio.
in August in Ohio.
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Pakleno je vruće subotnje
avgustovsko jutro u Ohaju.
avgustovsko jutro u Ohaju.
01:33
We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled start time,
the scheduled start time,
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Stigli smo u 10 sati, u zakazano vreme
01:37
and we are handed number 59.
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i dodeljen nam je broj 59.
01:39
By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25;
numbers 21 through 25;
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Do 11 sati su prozvali
brojeve od 21 do 25;
brojeve od 21 do 25;
01:43
this was going to be a while,
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ovo će potrajati
01:45
and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
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i nije bilo dovoljno besplatne šminke,
niti privremenih tetovaža,
niti privremenih tetovaža,
01:50
that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store.
that were occurring outside of the store.
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koji bi sprečili silna topljenja
koja su se dešavala ispred prodavnice.
koja su se dešavala ispred prodavnice.
01:53
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:55
So, by 12:30 we get called:
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Dakle, prozvali su nas do 12:30:
01:59
"56 to 63, please."
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"Brojevi od 56 do 63, molim."
02:02
And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you
I can only describe you
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I kada smo ušli, tu scenu
vam jedino mogu opisati rečima -
vam jedino mogu opisati rečima -
02:05
as saying it looked like Norway threw up.
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izgledalo je kao da je Norveška povratila.
02:08
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:10
There were cardboard
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
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Tu su bile kartonske pahulje
svuda po podu,
svuda po podu,
02:14
glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls.
and icicles all over the walls.
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sjaj na svim ravnim površinama
i ledenice svuda po zidovima.
i ledenice svuda po zidovima.
02:20
And as we stood in line
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I dok smo stajali u redu,
02:21
in an attempt to give
my niece a better vantage point
my niece a better vantage point
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kako bih nećaci obezbedila bolji pogled
02:23
than the backside
of the mother of number 58,
of the mother of number 58,
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od pozadine majke broja 58,
02:26
I put her up on my shoulders,
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podigla sam je na svoja ramena
02:28
and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.
by the sight of the princesses.
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i ona je momentalno bila
fascinirana prizorom princeza.
fascinirana prizorom princeza.
02:32
And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew,
her excitement only grew,
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I kako smo prilazili,
njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo
njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo
02:34
and as we finally got
to the front of the line,
to the front of the line,
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i kada smo konačno stigli na vrh reda
02:37
and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses,
to be signed by the princesses,
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i kada je broj 58 razvila svoj poster,
kako bi ga princeze potpisale,
kako bi ga princeze potpisale,
02:40
I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.
running through her body.
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bukvalno sam mogla da osetim uzbuđenje
kako joj potresa telo.
kako joj potresa telo.
02:44
And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
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I, da budem iskrena, tada
sam i sama bila prilično uzbuđena.
sam i sama bila prilično uzbuđena.
02:47
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:48
I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.
was mesmerizing.
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Mislim, skandinavska dekadencija
je bila očaravajuća.
je bila očaravajuća.
02:51
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:52
So we get to the front of the line,
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Stigli smo ispred svih,
02:54
and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says,
turns to my niece and says,
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a unezverena pomoćnica
se okreće mojoj nećaci i kaže:
se okreće mojoj nećaci i kaže:
02:57
"Hi, honey. You're next!
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"Zdravo, dušo. Ti si na redu!
02:59
Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay
or you're going to stay
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Želiš li da siđeš ili ćeš da ostaneš
03:01
on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'
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na tatinim ramenima tokom fotografisanja?"
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:05
And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen.
of a better word, frozen.
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I ja sam se,
u nedostatku bolje reči, sledila.
u nedostatku bolje reči, sledila.
03:09
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:11
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question,
we are faced with the question,
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Neverovatno je kako iznenada
možemo da se suočimo s pitanjem:
možemo da se suočimo s pitanjem:
03:15
who am I?
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ko sam ja?
03:17
Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?
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Jesam li ja tetka?
Ili sam glasnogovornica?
Ili sam glasnogovornica?
03:20
Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation,
about how to have a hard conversation,
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Milioni ljudi su videli moj snimak
o tome kako da vodimo teške razgovore,
o tome kako da vodimo teške razgovore,
03:24
and there one was, right in front of me.
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a jedan je bio baš ispred mene.
03:26
At the same time,
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Istovremeno,
03:27
there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life,
to me than the kids in my life,
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ništa mi nije važnije
od dece u mom životu,
od dece u mom životu,
03:30
so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in,
that we so often find ourselves in,
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pa sam se zatekla u situaciji
u kojoj se često zateknemo,
u kojoj se često zateknemo,
03:34
torn between two things,
two impossible choices.
two impossible choices.
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rastrgnuti između dve stvari,
dva nemoguća izbora.
dva nemoguća izbora.
03:37
Would I be an advocate?
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Da li da budem glasnogovornica?
03:39
Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
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Da li da spustim nećaku s ramena
i okrenem se pomoćnici i objasnim joj
i okrenem se pomoćnici i objasnim joj
03:44
that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father,
her aunt, not her father,
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da sam ja zapravo
devojčicina tetka, a ne otac
devojčicina tetka, a ne otac
03:47
and that she should be more careful
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i da bi trebalo više da pazi
03:50
and not to jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
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i da ne donosi ishitrene sudove o rodu,
zasnovane na frizuri i prćenju dece -
zasnovane na frizuri i prćenju dece -
03:54
(Laughter) --
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(Smeh) -
03:55
and while doing that,
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i da tako
03:57
miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
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propustim nešto što je, do danas,
najizuzetniji dan u nećakinom životu.
najizuzetniji dan u nećakinom životu.
04:03
Or would I be an aunt?
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Ili da budem tetka?
04:05
Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures,
take a million pictures,
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Da li da odmahnem na taj komentar,
napravim milion fotografija
napravim milion fotografija
04:08
and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment,
from the pure joy of that moment,
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i ne budem ni za sekund odvraćena
od čistog užitka tog momenta,
od čistog užitka tog momenta,
04:13
and by doing that,
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i postupajući tako
04:15
walk out with the shame that comes up
for not standing up for myself,
for not standing up for myself,
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odšetam postiđena zbog toga
što se nisam zauzela za sebe,
što se nisam zauzela za sebe,
04:18
especially in front of my niece.
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naročito pred nećakom.
04:20
Who was I?
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Ko sam ja?
04:22
Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it?
Which role was more worth it?
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Šta je važnije? Koja uloga je vrednija?
04:27
Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?
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Jesam li tetka? Ili sam glasnogovornica?
04:30
And I had a split second to decide.
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A imala sam delić sekunde da odlučim.
04:34
We are taught right now
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Uče nas
04:36
that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity.
of constant and increasing polarity.
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da živimo u sve polarizovanijem svetu.
04:40
It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong.
so us and them, so right and wrong.
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Sve je crno i belo, mi i oni,
ispravno i pogrešno.
ispravno i pogrešno.
04:45
There is no middle,
there is no gray, just polarity.
there is no gray, just polarity.
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Nema sredine, ne postoji siva zona,
samo polaritet.
samo polaritet.
04:49
Polarity is a state in which
two ideas or opinions
two ideas or opinions
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Polaritet je stanje u kom
su dve ideje ili mišljenja
su dve ideje ili mišljenja
04:52
are completely opposite from each other;
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potpuno međusobno suprotne;
04:54
a diametrical opposition.
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dijametralno suprotne.
Na kojoj ste strani?
04:58
Which side are you on?
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Da li ste nedvosmisleno i bespogovorno
05:00
Are you unequivocally and without question
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
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protiv rata, za slobodu,
protiv smrtne kazne
protiv smrtne kazne
za kontrolu oružja, zagovornici
otvorenih granica i za sindikat?
otvorenih granica i za sindikat?
05:04
pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders and pro-union?
of open borders and pro-union?
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05:08
Or, are you absolutely
and uncompromisingly
and uncompromisingly
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Ili ste apsolutno i beskompromisno
05:13
pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,
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za rat, protiv abortusa, za smrtnu kaznu,
05:15
a believer that the Second
Amendment is absolute,
Amendment is absolute,
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ubeđeni da je
drugi stav Ustava prevaziđen,
drugi stav Ustava prevaziđen,
05:18
anti-immigrant and pro-business?
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protiv imigranata i za kapitalizam?
05:19
It's all or none, you're with us
or against us.
or against us.
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Sve ili ništa, sa nama ste ili protiv nas.
05:21
That is polarity.
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To je polaritet.
05:24
The problem with polarity
and absolutes is that
and absolutes is that
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Problem s polaritetom i apsolutima je
05:29
it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience
of our human experience
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što uklanjaju individualnost
iz našeg ljudskog iskustva
iz našeg ljudskog iskustva
05:34
and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.
to our human nature.
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i da su stoga kontradiktorni
našoj ljudskoj prirodi.
našoj ljudskoj prirodi.
05:39
But if we are pulled
in these two directions,
in these two directions,
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Ali ako nas vuku na dve strane,
05:41
but it's not really where we exist --
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ali to nije naša stvarnost -
05:43
polarity is not our actual reality --
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polaritet nije naša stvarnost -
05:45
where do we go from there?
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kako da nađemo put iz toga?
05:47
What's at the other end of that spectrum?
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Šta je s druge strane spektra?
05:50
I don't think it's an unattainable,
harmonious utopia,
harmonious utopia,
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Ne mislim da je to nedostižna,
harmonična utopija,
harmonična utopija,
05:54
I think the opposite
of polarity is duality.
of polarity is duality.
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mislim da je suprotno polaritetu dualizam.
05:58
Duality is a state of having two parts,
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Dualizam je stanje posedovanja dva dela,
06:00
but not in diametrical opposition,
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koja nisu dijametralno suprotna,
06:03
in simultaneous existence.
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a postoje istovremeno.
06:06
Don't think it's possible?
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Ne mislite da je moguće?
06:08
Here are the people I know:
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Ove ljude poznajem:
06:10
I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
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znam katolike koji su za abortus
i feministkinje koje nose hidžab
i feministkinje koje nose hidžab
06:13
and veterans who are antiwar,
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i veterane koji su protiv rata
06:15
and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married.
I should be able to get married.
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i desničare koji smatraju
da imam pravo na brak.
da imam pravo na brak.
06:18
Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family,
those are my friends and family,
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To su ljudi koje poznajem,
to su moji prijatelji i porodica,
to su moji prijatelji i porodica,
06:21
that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me.
that is you, that is me.
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to je većina našeg društva,
to ste vi, to sam ja.
to ste vi, to sam ja.
06:24
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
06:32
Duality is the ability
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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Dualizam je sposobnost
držanja dva ubeđenja.
držanja dva ubeđenja.
06:38
But the question is:
Can we own our duality?
Can we own our duality?
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Ali pitanje je: možemo li
da ovladamo našim dualizmom?
da ovladamo našim dualizmom?
06:42
Can we have the courage
to hold both things?
to hold both things?
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Možemo li da imamo hrabrosti
da se držimo oba ubeđenja?
da se držimo oba ubeđenja?
06:46
I work at a restaurant in town,
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Radim u gradskom restoranu,
06:48
I became really good friends
with the busser.
with the busser.
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sprijateljila sam se sa konobaricom.
06:51
I was a server and we had
a great relationship,
a great relationship,
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Ja sam radila kao poslužiteljka
i imale smo sjajan odnos,
i imale smo sjajan odnos,
06:54
we had a really great time together.
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zaista smo se dobro zabavljale.
06:56
Her Spanish was great
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Odlično je govorila španski,
06:59
because she was from Mexico.
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jer je Meksikanka.
07:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:03
That line actually went the other way.
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Rečenica je trebalo obrnuto da glasi.
07:05
Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish.
but significantly better than my Spanish.
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Loše je govorila engleski,
ali znatno bolje nego ja španski.
ali znatno bolje nego ja španski.
07:12
But we were united by our similarities,
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No bile smo ujedinjene našim sličnostima,
07:15
not separated by our differences.
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2900
a ne razdvojene našim razlikama.
07:18
And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds.
we came from very different worlds.
136
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I bile smo bliske, uprkos tome
što potičemo iz različitih svetova.
što potičemo iz različitih svetova.
07:21
She was from Mexico,
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Ona je iz Meksika,
07:23
she left her family behind
so she could come here
so she could come here
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ostavila je tamo svoju porodicu
kako bi došla ovde
kako bi došla ovde
07:26
and afford them a better life back home.
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434169
1980
i obezbedila im bolji život kod kuće.
07:28
She was a devout conservative Catholic,
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2940
Ona je pobožna konzervativna katolkinja,
07:31
a believer in traditional family values,
141
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2720
poštovalac tradicionalnih
porodičnih vrednosti,
porodičnih vrednosti,
07:34
stereotypical roles of men and women,
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stereotipnih uloga muškaraca i žena,
07:36
and I was, well, me.
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a ja sam bila, pa, ja.
07:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:40
But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
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Ali ono što nas je vezivalo
je kada bi upitala za moju devojku,
je kada bi upitala za moju devojku,
07:44
or she shared pictures that she had
from her family back home.
from her family back home.
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ili bi pokazivala slike, koje je imala,
svoje porodice tamo kod kuće.
svoje porodice tamo kod kuće.
07:47
Those were the things
that brought us together.
that brought us together.
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To nas je zbližilo.
07:50
So one day, we were in the back,
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Pa smo jednog dana bile iza,
07:52
scarfing down food as quickly as we could,
gathered around a small table,
gathered around a small table,
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trpale hranu što smo brže mogle,
okupljene oko malog stola,
okupljene oko malog stola,
07:55
during a very rare lull,
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1630
tokom izuzetno retkog zatišja
07:57
and a new guy
from the kitchen came over --
from the kitchen came over --
151
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2010
i novi momak iz kuhinje je prišao -
07:59
who happened to be her cousin --
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1662
koji je bio njen rođak -
08:01
and sat down with all
the bravado and machismo
the bravado and machismo
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i seo je silno se razmećući muževnošću
08:03
that his 20-year-old body could hold.
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koju je njegovo 20-godišnje telo
moglo da izdrži.
moglo da izdrži.
08:06
(Laughter)
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1821
(Smeh)
08:07
And he said to her,
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
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I rekao joj je: [na španskom]
"Ima li Eš momka?"
"Ima li Eš momka?"
08:14
And she said,
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
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A ona je odgovorila: [na španskom]
"Ne, ima devojku."
"Ne, ima devojku."
08:19
And he said,
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
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A on je rekao: [na španskom] "Devojku?!?"
08:23
And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him,
and locked eyes with him,
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I ona je spustila viljušku,
pogledala ga u oči
pogledala ga u oči
08:26
and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,
a girlfriend. That is all."
a girlfriend. That is all."
160
494025
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i rekla: [na španskom]
"Da, devojku. To je sve."
"Da, devojku. To je sve."
08:31
And his smug smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect,
to one of maternal respect,
161
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I njegov je samozadovoljni osmeh brzo
prešao u osmeh majčinskog poštovanja,
prešao u osmeh majčinskog poštovanja,
08:36
grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work.
went back to work.
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zgrabio je svoj tanjir, odšetao,
vratio se na posao.
vratio se na posao.
08:39
She never made eye contact with me.
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1734
Ona me nijednom nije pogledala.
08:41
She left, did the same thing --
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Otišla je na isti način -
08:43
it was a 10-second conversation,
such a short interaction.
such a short interaction.
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bio je to razgovor od 10 sekundi,
tako kratka interakcija.
tako kratka interakcija.
08:46
And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him:
so much more in common with him:
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A na papiru, imala je mnogo više
zajedničkog sa njim:
zajedničkog sa njim:
08:49
language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here,
her community was her lifeline here,
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jezik, kulturu, istoriju, porodicu,
njena zajednica je bila njen oslonac ovde,
njena zajednica je bila njen oslonac ovde,
08:54
but her moral compass trumped all of that.
168
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4171
ali njen moralni kompas
je prelazio preko svega toga.
je prelazio preko svega toga.
08:58
And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
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I malo kasnije, šalili su se
u kuhinji na španskom,
u kuhinji na španskom,
09:02
that had nothing to do with me,
170
530124
1900
to nije imalo nikakve veze sa mnom
09:04
and that is duality.
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i to je dualizam.
09:06
She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance
on gayness over her heritage.
on gayness over her heritage.
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Nije morala da izabere nekakav korektan
stav o gejevima, nasuprot svom poreklu.
stav o gejevima, nasuprot svom poreklu.
09:11
She didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship.
her family over our friendship.
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Nije morala da izabere porodicu,
naspram našeg prijateljstva.
naspram našeg prijateljstva.
09:14
It wasn't Jesus or Ash.
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Nije bilo: Isus ili Eš.
09:16
(Laughter)
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1967
(Smeh)
09:20
(Applause)
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548556
1937
(Aplauz)
09:27
Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted
was so strongly rooted
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Njena lična moralnost
je bila tako čvrsto ukorenjena
je bila tako čvrsto ukorenjena
09:31
that she had the courage
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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da je imala hrabrosti
da drži oba ubeđenja.
da drži oba ubeđenja.
09:35
Our moral integrity is our responsibility
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Naš moralni integritet je naša odgovornost
09:38
and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient.
even when it's not convenient.
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4231
i moramo da budemo spremni da ga branimo
čak i kada nije praktično.
čak i kada nije praktično.
09:42
That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
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To znači biti saveznik,
a ako ćete da budete saveznik,
a ako ćete da budete saveznik,
09:46
you have to be an active ally:
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morate da budete aktivni:
09:48
Ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate,
something inappropriate,
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da postavljate pitanja, reagujete
kada čujete nešto nedolično,
kada čujete nešto nedolično,
09:52
actually engage.
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2028
da se zaista angažujete.
09:54
I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
185
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4433
Imala sam porodičnu prijateljicu koja je
godinama zvala moju devojku ljubavnicom.
godinama zvala moju devojku ljubavnicom.
10:00
Really? Lover?
186
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2444
Stvarno? Ljubavnica?
10:03
So overly sexual,
187
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2024
Tako preterano seksualno,
10:05
so '70s gay porn.
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2045
kao gej pornić iz '70-ih.
10:07
(Laughter)
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1206
(Smeh)
10:11
But she was trying, and she asked.
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2495
Ali trudila se i pitala je.
10:13
She could have called her my friend,
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601789
1783
Mogla ju je zvati mojom prijateljicom
10:15
or my "friend," or my "special friend" --
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4134
ili mojom "prijateljicom"
ili mojom "specijalnom prijateljicom" -
ili mojom "specijalnom prijateljicom" -
10:19
(Laughter) --
193
607708
1384
(Smeh) -
10:21
or even worse, just not asked at all.
194
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ili još gore, da uopšte i ne pita.
10:24
Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
195
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Verujte mi, više volimo kada pitate.
10:27
I would rather have her say lover,
than say nothing at all.
than say nothing at all.
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Radije bih da kaže ljubavnica
nego da ništa ne kaže.
nego da ništa ne kaže.
10:33
People often say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
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620932
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Ljudi mi često kažu:
"Pa, Eš, nije me briga.
"Pa, Eš, nije me briga.
10:36
I don't see race
or religion or sexuality.
or religion or sexuality.
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3792
Ne vidim ni rasu, ni religiju,
ni seksualnost.
ni seksualnost.
10:39
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
199
627757
2843
Nije mi bitno. Ne vidim to."
10:44
But I think the opposite of homophobia
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
200
631910
5334
Ali mislim da suprotno homofobiji
i rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav,
i rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav,
10:49
it's apathy.
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1613
već apatija.
10:51
If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me.
then you don't see me.
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638859
4103
Ako ne vidite da sam gej,
onda me ne vidite.
onda me ne vidite.
10:55
If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with,
who I sleep with,
203
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2985
Ako vam nije važno s kim spavam,
10:58
then you cannot imagine what it feels like
204
645949
2185
onda ne možete ni da zamislite kako je
11:00
when I walk down the street
late at night holding her hand,
late at night holding her hand,
205
648135
2876
šetati ulicom kasno noću,
držeći se za ruke
držeći se za ruke
11:03
and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision
and have to make the decision
206
651011
2818
i prići grupi ljudi i morati doneti odluku
11:06
if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop it
or if I should I drop it
207
653829
2345
da li da nastavim ili da pustim ruku,
11:08
when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter.
is squeeze it tighter.
208
656175
2318
kada jedino želim da je jače stegnem.
11:10
And the small victory I feel
209
658494
2517
I osećaj male pobede koji imam
11:13
when I make it by
and don't have to let go.
and don't have to let go.
210
661012
2707
kada izdržim i ne moram
da ispustim drugu ruku.
da ispustim drugu ruku.
11:15
And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
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663720
5118
I neverovatan kukavičluk i razočaranje
koje osetim kada je ispustim.
koje osetim kada je ispustim.
11:21
If you do not see that struggle
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668839
1948
Ako ne vidite tu borbu,
11:22
that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
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6475
koja je jedinstvena mom ljudskom iskustvu
jer sam gej, onda me ne vidite.
jer sam gej, onda me ne vidite.
11:29
If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me.
I need you to see me.
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677264
5414
Ako ćete da budete moji saveznici,
morate da me vidite.
morate da me vidite.
11:34
As individuals, as allies, as humans,
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2943
Kao pojedinci, kao saveznici, kao ljudi,
11:37
we need to be able to hold both things:
216
685622
3000
moramo da budemo u stanju
da držimo obe stvari:
da držimo obe stvari:
11:40
both the good and the bad,
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688622
2448
i dobro i zlo
11:43
the easy and the hard.
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1830
i lako i teško.
11:45
You don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff,
two things just from the fluff,
219
692900
4471
Ne naučite kako da držite dva ubeđenja
samo na lak način,
samo na lak način,
11:49
you learn it from the grit.
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697372
2401
naučite to na teži način.
11:51
And what if duality
is just the first step?
is just the first step?
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699774
3384
I šta ako je dualizam samo prvi korak?
11:56
What if through compassion
and empathy and human interaction
and empathy and human interaction
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704308
4829
Šta ako smo kroz saosećajnost,
empatiju i interakciju s ljudima
empatiju i interakciju s ljudima
u stanju da naučimo
kako da držimo dva ubeđenja?
kako da držimo dva ubeđenja?
12:01
we are able to learn to hold two things?
223
709138
2394
12:03
And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four,
two things, we can hold four,
224
711533
2314
A ako možemo da držimo dva,
možemo i četiri ubeđenja,
možemo i četiri ubeđenja,
12:06
and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight,
we can hold eight,
225
713848
2010
a ako možemo držati četiri, možemo i osam,
12:08
and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds.
we can hold hundreds.
226
715859
2240
a ako možemo osam, možemo i na stotine.
12:10
We are complex individuals,
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718100
2462
Mi smo kompleksni pojedinci,
12:12
swirls of contradiction.
228
720562
1800
vrvimo od kontradiktornosti.
12:14
You are all holding
so many things right now.
so many things right now.
229
722362
2605
Toliko toga sadržite u ovom trenutku.
12:18
What can you do to hold just a few more?
230
725888
3442
Šta da uradite da prihvatite
još nekolike stvari?
još nekolike stvari?
12:22
So, back to Toledo, Ohio.
231
730100
2137
Pa, nazad u Toledo u Ohaju.
12:24
I'm at the front of the line,
232
732237
2180
Na početku sam reda,
12:26
niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
233
734417
4102
nećaka mi je na ramenima,
iznurena pomoćnica me zove ocem.
iznurena pomoćnica me zove ocem.
12:30
Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender?
for the wrong gender?
234
738520
3560
Jesu li vam ikada pogrešili rod?
12:35
Not even that.
235
743111
2198
Čak ni to.
12:37
Have you ever been called
something you are not?
something you are not?
236
745310
4449
Jesu li vas nazvali onim što niste?
12:43
Here's what it feels like for me:
237
751509
2530
Evo kako je meni:
12:46
I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions.
of contrasting emotions.
238
754040
4073
u meni momentalno nastaje
oluja suprotnih emocija.
oluja suprotnih emocija.
12:50
I break out into a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation,
a combination of rage and humiliation,
239
758114
5542
Počinjem da se znojim,
što je kombinacija besa i poniženja,
što je kombinacija besa i poniženja,
12:55
I feel like the entire store
is staring at me,
is staring at me,
240
763657
2960
osećam da me svi u prodavnici gledaju,
12:58
and I simultaneously feel invisible.
241
766618
2560
a istovremeno se osećem nevidljivo.
13:01
I want to explode in a tirade of fury,
242
769179
2943
Želim da eksplodiram u tiradi srdžbe
13:04
and I want to crawl under a rock.
243
772123
2593
i želim da otpuzim pod kamen.
13:06
And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing
with the frustration that I'm wearing
244
774717
3102
I svemu tome dodajte
isfrustriranost jer nosim
isfrustriranost jer nosim
13:10
an out-of-character
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
245
777820
3598
nemuževnu, usku, ljubičastu majicu,
13:13
so this whole store can see my boobs,
246
781418
2038
pa svi u prodavnici mogu da mi vide grudi,
13:15
to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen.
same thing doesn't happen.
247
783456
3001
a nosim je kako se ovakve stvari
ne bi dešavale.
ne bi dešavale.
13:18
(Laughter)
248
786458
2182
(Smeh)
13:20
But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am,
to be seen as the gender I am,
249
788640
4322
Ali uprkos mom silnom trudu
da pokažem svoj pravi rod,
da pokažem svoj pravi rod,
13:25
it still happens.
250
792962
1841
ovo se i dalje dešava.
13:27
And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one heard --
of my body that no one heard --
251
794804
4692
I nadam se svakim delićem svoga tela
da niko nije čuo -
da niko nije čuo -
13:31
not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece.
and certainly not my niece.
252
799497
4553
ni moja sestra, ni moja devojka,
i ni u kom slučaju moja nećaka.
i ni u kom slučaju moja nećaka.
13:36
I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,
253
804050
2441
Navikla sam se na ovu poznatu uvredu,
13:38
but I will do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it.
to protect the people I love from it.
254
806491
4075
ali ću da uradim šta god je potrebno
da zaštitim ljude koje volim od toga.
da zaštitim ljude koje volim od toga.
13:44
But then I take my niece off my shoulders,
255
811906
2534
Ali onda spuštam nećaku s ramena
13:46
and she runs to Elsa and Anna --
256
814441
2174
i ona trči do Elze i Ane -
13:48
the thing she's been
waiting so long for --
waiting so long for --
257
816616
2566
zbog čega je toliko i čekala -
13:51
and all that stuff goes away.
258
819183
2087
i sve to nestaje.
13:53
All that matters is the smile on her face.
259
821270
3710
Samo je bitan osmeh na njenom licu.
13:57
And as the 30 seconds we waited
two and a half hours for comes to a close
two and a half hours for comes to a close
260
824980
5657
I kako se bliži kraj tih 30 sekundi
koje smo čekali dva i po sata,
koje smo čekali dva i po sata,
14:02
we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
261
830638
5203
sakupljamo naše stvari
i ja ponovo srećem pomoćnicin pogled;
i ja ponovo srećem pomoćnicin pogled;
14:08
and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths,
an apologetic smile and mouths,
262
835842
3136
a ona mi upućuje
osmeh izvinjenja i šapuće:
osmeh izvinjenja i šapuće:
14:11
"I am so sorry!"
263
838979
2296
"Tako mi je žao!"
14:13
(Laughter)
264
841276
2109
(Smeh)
14:15
And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately,
her mistake disarms me immediately,
265
843386
5856
Njena čovečnost, njena spremnost da prizna
svoju grešku momentalno me razoružavaju.
svoju grešku momentalno me razoružavaju.
14:21
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens. But thanks."
it happens. But thanks."
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Ja joj na to odmahujem: "U redu je,
dešava se. Ali hvala."
dešava se. Ali hvala."
14:26
And I realize in that moment
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I tog momenta shvatam
14:29
that I don't have to be
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da ne moram da budem
14:31
either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both.
or an advocate, I can be both.
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ili tetka ili glasnogovornica,
mogu da budem oboje.
mogu da budem oboje.
14:37
I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things.
and I can hold two things.
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Mogu da živim s dualizmom
i mogu da imam dva ubeđenja.
i mogu da imam dva ubeđenja.
14:42
And if I can hold two things
in that environment,
in that environment,
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A ako mogu da imam dva ubeđenja
u tom okruženju,
u tom okruženju,
14:45
I can hold so many more things.
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mogu da imam još mnogo ubeđenja.
14:47
As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out the front of the door,
and skip out the front of the door,
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Kako moja devojka i nećaka,
držeći se za ruke, izlaze kroz vrata,
držeći se za ruke, izlaze kroz vrata,
14:51
I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?"
"Was it worth it?"
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okrećem se sestri i pitam:
"Je li vredelo?"
"Je li vredelo?"
14:54
And she said, "Are you kidding me?
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A ona kaže: "Šališ li se?
14:56
Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!"
This was the greatest day of her life!"
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Jesi li joj videla izraz lica?
Ovo je bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!"
Ovo je bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!"
14:59
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
15:01
"It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat,
and a half hours in the heat,
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"Vredelo je dva i po sata na žezi,
15:03
it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of."
that we already had a copy of."
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vredelo je preskupe bojanke,
čiju smo kopiju već imali."
čiju smo kopiju već imali."
15:08
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
15:10
"It was even worth you
getting called Dad."
getting called Dad."
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"Vredelo je čak i toga
što su te nazvali ocem."
što su te nazvali ocem."
15:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
15:17
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was.
in my life, it actually was.
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I prvi put u mom životu, zaista jeste.
15:23
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
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Hvala, Bolderu. Imajte ugodno veče.
15:25
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocateAsh Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.
Why you should listen
Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com