TEDxBoulder
Ash Beckham: When to take a stand -- and when to let it go
Ash Beckham: 何时该表明立场——何时一笑而过
Filmed:
Readability: 3.4
1,623,269 views
Ash Beckham 最近经过了一次风波，不禁使她发问：我是谁？她在姨妈和激励讲师两种角色之间挣扎。每个人都有纠结的时侯，她给我们提出大胆建议，如何在不尴尬的同时维护自己的气节。
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding,
in Ohio for a family wedding,
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这个夏天，
我回俄亥俄州参加了一场家庭婚礼。
我回俄亥俄州参加了一场家庭婚礼。
00:19
and when I was there,
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当我到那后，
00:22
there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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参加了一个《冰雪奇缘》中的安娜与艾尔莎
欢迎会。
欢迎会。
00:25
Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"
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并不是真的《冰雪奇缘》里的
安娜和艾尔莎，
安娜和艾尔莎，
00:29
as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.
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因为这并非迪斯尼官方活动。
00:32
These two entrepreneurs had
a business of running princess parties.
a business of running princess parties.
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而是两名创业者专门从事公主派对业务
00:36
Your kid is turning five?
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你的孩子要满5岁了吗？
00:38
They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great.
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她们会来唱唱歌，洒洒仙尘，
效果棒极了。
效果棒极了。
00:41
And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity
to miss out on the opportunity
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她们当然也不会错过现在流行的
00:45
that was the phenomenon
and that was "Frozen."
and that was "Frozen."
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《冰雪奇缘》给她们带来的商机。
00:48
So they get hired by a local toy store,
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她们受雇于当地一家玩具店，
00:49
kids come in on a Saturday morning,
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孩子们周六早晨光顾时，
00:51
buy some Disney swag, get their
picture taken with the princesses,
picture taken with the princesses,
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买些迪斯尼玩偶，再和公主们合个影。
00:54
call it a day.
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这就是孩子完美的一天。
00:56
It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions.
without the seasonal restrictions.
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就好像没有季节性限制的圣诞老人。
00:59
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:00
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it.
Samantha was in the thick of it.
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而我三岁半的小侄女萨曼莎正对公主
疯狂迷恋。
疯狂迷恋。
01:05
She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books
were signing posters and coloring books
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她毫不在意这两个女人作为
”白雪皇后“和“安娜公主”
”白雪皇后“和“安娜公主”
01:10
as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits.
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给海报或者彩色书签名时
只签了个“N” 以避免版权纠纷。
只签了个“N” 以避免版权纠纷。
01:16
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:17
According to my niece and the 200-plus
kids in the parking lot that day,
kids in the parking lot that day,
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根据我侄女和
当天在场的200多个孩子的描述，
当天在场的200多个孩子的描述，
01:22
this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
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这就是《冰雪奇缘》里的安娜和艾尔莎。
那是俄亥俄州八月一个酷热的周六早晨。
01:28
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio.
in August in Ohio.
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01:33
We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled start time,
the scheduled start time,
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我们到达时刚刚10点，
正是安排的开始时间，
正是安排的开始时间，
01:37
and we are handed number 59.
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而我们的排号为59.
01:39
By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25;
numbers 21 through 25;
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11点时，叫号叫到了21至25号
01:43
this was going to be a while,
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轮到我们还有好一会儿，
01:45
and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
of free face painting or temporary tattoos
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却已经没有免费的脸部彩绘和文身贴纸
能抵御店外面快让人融化的高温了。
01:50
that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store.
that were occurring outside of the store.
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01:53
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:55
So, by 12:30 we get called:
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12点半 终于叫到我们了
01:59
"56 to 63, please."
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”56到63号，这边请。“
02:02
And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you
I can only describe you
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当我们走进商店，
那有一个布景我只能给你们形容为
那有一个布景我只能给你们形容为
02:05
as saying it looked like Norway threw up.
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就像是一个废弃的挪威。
02:08
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
地板上铺满硬纸板剪出的雪花，
02:10
There were cardboard
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor,
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02:14
glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls.
and icicles all over the walls.
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每个平面都银光闪烁，
墙面上还坠满冰柱。
墙面上还坠满冰柱。
02:20
And as we stood in line
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当我们站在队伍里，
02:21
in an attempt to give
my niece a better vantage point
my niece a better vantage point
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为了能给我侄女更好的视角，
02:23
than the backside
of the mother of number 58,
of the mother of number 58,
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而不只是前面58号妈妈的背影，
我把她抱起放在肩膀上。
02:26
I put her up on my shoulders,
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02:28
and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses.
by the sight of the princesses.
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而她的视线也马上凝聚在了公主们身上。
02:32
And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew,
her excitement only grew,
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随着我们往前移动，她越来越兴奋。
02:34
and as we finally got
to the front of the line,
to the front of the line,
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而当我们最终到达队伍最前端，
02:37
and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses,
to be signed by the princesses,
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前面的58号已经展开海报让公主们
签名时，
签名时，
02:40
I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body.
running through her body.
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我能实实在在地感受到
贯穿我侄女全身的激动。
贯穿我侄女全身的激动。
02:44
And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
at that point, I was pretty excited too.
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老实说，那时我其实也是激动异常。
02:47
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:48
I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing.
was mesmerizing.
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我的意思是，这个“斯堪的纳维亚”废墟
实在太有魅力了。
实在太有魅力了。
02:51
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:52
So we get to the front of the line,
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当我们到了队伍的最前面，
02:54
and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says,
turns to my niece and says,
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那个面容憔悴的店员转身对我侄女说，
02:57
"Hi, honey. You're next!
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“嗨，亲爱的，下一个就是你了！”
02:59
Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay
or you're going to stay
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你是想下来自己站着，还是继续留在
03:01
on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'
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你爸爸肩头和公主们拍照？
03:04
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:05
And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen.
of a better word, frozen.
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而我，一时语塞，僵住了。
03:09
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:11
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question,
we are faced with the question,
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神奇地 在一个不经意的瞬间
我们面临了这样一个问题：
我们面临了这样一个问题：
03:15
who am I?
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我是谁？
03:17
Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?
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我是一个姨妈？
或者我是一名激励讲师？
或者我是一名激励讲师？
03:20
Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation,
about how to have a hard conversation,
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无数朋友已看过我的视频，
描述如何处理尴尬的对话，
描述如何处理尴尬的对话，
03:24
and there one was, right in front of me.
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而此时此刻 我面前就有一个
03:26
At the same time,
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与此同时，
03:27
there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life,
to me than the kids in my life,
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我知道我生活中没有什么
能比孩子更重要，
能比孩子更重要，
于是我发现我处在一个大家都会经常
遇到的两难境地，
遇到的两难境地，
03:30
so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in,
that we so often find ourselves in,
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03:34
torn between two things,
two impossible choices.
two impossible choices.
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面临两件事、两种不可能的选择。
03:37
Would I be an advocate?
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我应该回归激励讲师的身份吗？
03:39
Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
and turn to the clerk and explain to her
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我是否应该把我的侄女从肩头放下
并和店员解释
并和店员解释
03:44
that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father,
her aunt, not her father,
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我实际上是她的姨妈，而非父亲。
03:47
and that she should be more careful
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而店员以后也应多小心，
03:50
and not to jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
based on haircuts and shoulder rides --
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不要根据发型 或肩扛孩子
就随便妄断别人性别。
就随便妄断别人性别。
03:54
(Laughter) --
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（笑声）
03:55
and while doing that,
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但这么做，
03:57
miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
the greatest moment of my niece's life.
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我将错过我侄女生活中
最激动人心的一刻。
最激动人心的一刻。
04:03
Or would I be an aunt?
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或者我应该做一个好姨妈？
04:05
Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures,
take a million pictures,
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抛开我的意见，和侄女好好拍照，
04:08
and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment,
from the pure joy of that moment,
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享受那时那刻的愉悦，一刻也不分心。
04:13
and by doing that,
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但这么做，
04:15
walk out with the shame that comes up
for not standing up for myself,
for not standing up for myself,
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走出店门时，
我会为没有替自己辩护而心怀羞愧
我会为没有替自己辩护而心怀羞愧
04:18
especially in front of my niece.
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特别是在我侄女面前
04:20
Who was I?
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我到底应该是谁？
04:22
Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it?
Which role was more worth it?
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哪一个更重要？哪个角色更值得？
04:27
Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?
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我是个姨妈？还是个激励讲师？
04:30
And I had a split second to decide.
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我不免有一秒的出神在纠结这个问题。
04:34
We are taught right now
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我们现在被教导
04:36
that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity.
of constant and increasing polarity.
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我们正生活在一个不断两极分化的世界。
04:40
It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong.
so us and them, so right and wrong.
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这个世界太强调非黑即白，非此即彼，
非对即错。
非对即错。
04:45
There is no middle,
there is no gray, just polarity.
there is no gray, just polarity.
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没有中庸中立，没有灰色地带，
只有极端化。
只有极端化。
04:49
Polarity is a state in which
two ideas or opinions
two ideas or opinions
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极端化指的是两种主张或意见
04:52
are completely opposite from each other;
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完全互为对立的状态；
04:54
a diametrical opposition.
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是非此即彼的对立。
你会站在哪一边？
04:58
Which side are you on?
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你会坚定不移毫无疑问地反对战争，
支持堕胎权，反死刑，
支持堕胎权，反死刑，
05:00
Are you unequivocally and without question
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty,
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05:04
pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders and pro-union?
of open borders and pro-union?
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认可枪支管理，支持边界开放和联盟吗？
05:08
Or, are you absolutely
and uncompromisingly
and uncompromisingly
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或者你是绝对完全毫无妥协地
05:13
pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,
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支持战争，反堕胎，认可死刑，
05:15
a believer that the Second
Amendment is absolute,
Amendment is absolute,
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坚信第二修正案至高无上，
反移民，认可重商主义？
05:18
anti-immigrant and pro-business?
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要么都是，要么都不是。要么是朋友，
要么是敌人。
要么是敌人。
05:19
It's all or none, you're with us
or against us.
or against us.
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05:21
That is polarity.
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这就是极端化。
05:24
The problem with polarity
and absolutes is that
and absolutes is that
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极端化和绝对化的问题是
05:29
it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience
of our human experience
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它消除了我们的个性与人文体验，
05:34
and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature.
to our human nature.
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而这和我们的自然本性是相悖的。
05:39
But if we are pulled
in these two directions,
in these two directions,
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但如果我们被迫二选一，
05:41
but it's not really where we exist --
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而这些极端又不代表我们的真实存在，
05:43
polarity is not our actual reality --
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两级对立并不是我们的实际生活，
05:45
where do we go from there?
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我们又应该去向何处？
05:47
What's at the other end of that spectrum?
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哪儿才是这段宽广范围中的另一端？
我并不认为这只是一个不能达到的
和谐的乌托邦，
和谐的乌托邦，
05:50
I don't think it's an unattainable,
harmonious utopia,
harmonious utopia,
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05:54
I think the opposite
of polarity is duality.
of polarity is duality.
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我认为和极性相对立的是二元性。
05:58
Duality is a state of having two parts,
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二元性是一种两部分共生的状态，
06:00
but not in diametrical opposition,
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但这两部分不是你死我活的对立，
06:03
in simultaneous existence.
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而是共存互生。
觉得这不可能？
06:06
Don't think it's possible?
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06:08
Here are the people I know:
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这些是我认识的一些人：
06:10
I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
and feminists who wear hijabs,
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我认识支持堕胎的天主教徒，
戴遮面纱巾的女权主义者。
戴遮面纱巾的女权主义者。
06:13
and veterans who are antiwar,
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反对战争的老兵，
06:15
and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married.
I should be able to get married.
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认为我应结婚的全国枪支协会会员。
06:18
Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family,
those are my friends and family,
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这些都是我认识的人，
是我的朋友和家人。
是我的朋友和家人。
06:21
that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me.
that is you, that is me.
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这些才是我们社会的大多数，
这是你，也是我。
这是你，也是我。
06:24
(Applause)
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（掌声）
二元性是能包容事物的能力。
06:32
Duality is the ability
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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06:38
But the question is:
Can we own our duality?
Can we own our duality?
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但问题是，我们能达成二元性吗？
06:42
Can we have the courage
to hold both things?
to hold both things?
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我们有足够勇气去包容不同观点吗？
06:46
I work at a restaurant in town,
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我在镇上一家餐馆工作，
06:48
I became really good friends
with the busser.
with the busser.
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我和洗碗工成了好朋友。
06:51
I was a server and we had
a great relationship,
a great relationship,
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我是服务员，我们保持了不错的友谊，
06:54
we had a really great time together.
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我们一起经历了很多美好时光。
06:56
Her Spanish was great
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她的西班牙语很棒，
06:59
because she was from Mexico.
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因为她来自墨西哥。
07:01
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:03
That line actually went the other way.
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这情况我这边也一样。
07:05
Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish.
but significantly better than my Spanish.
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她的英文水平有限，
但也比我的西班牙语好得多。
但也比我的西班牙语好得多。
我们因共同点而凝聚在一起，
07:12
But we were united by our similarities,
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07:15
not separated by our differences.
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也没有因为我们的不同而分开。
07:18
And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds.
we came from very different worlds.
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我们非常亲近，
尽管我们来自不同的地方。
尽管我们来自不同的地方。
07:21
She was from Mexico,
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她是墨西哥人，
07:23
she left her family behind
so she could come here
so she could come here
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离开家人只身来到美国，
07:26
and afford them a better life back home.
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努力工作以期给墨西哥的家人
提供更好的生活。
提供更好的生活。
07:28
She was a devout conservative Catholic,
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2940
她是虔诚的保守派天主教徒，
07:31
a believer in traditional family values,
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坚信传统家庭观念，
以及男人和女人的固有社会角色。
07:34
stereotypical roles of men and women,
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07:36
and I was, well, me.
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而我，你们知道的。
（笑声）
07:38
(Laughter)
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07:40
But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
were when she asked about my girlfriend,
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而把我们联结在一起的是
当问到我女友的时刻，
当问到我女友的时刻，
07:44
or she shared pictures that she had
from her family back home.
from her family back home.
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是分享她墨西哥家人照片的时刻。
07:47
Those were the things
that brought us together.
that brought us together.
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正是这些 让我们的关系密切起来。
07:50
So one day, we were in the back,
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一天，我们正在餐馆后台
07:52
scarfing down food as quickly as we could,
gathered around a small table,
gathered around a small table,
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围着一张小餐桌狼吞虎咽，
07:55
during a very rare lull,
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因为休息间歇太短，
07:57
and a new guy
from the kitchen came over --
from the kitchen came over --
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2010
从厨房走来一名新员工，
07:59
who happened to be her cousin --
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碰巧是她的堂弟。
08:01
and sat down with all
the bravado and machismo
the bravado and machismo
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他表现出一种20岁青年所拥有的
男子气概，
男子气概，
08:03
that his 20-year-old body could hold.
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虚张声势地坐在我们面前。
08:06
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:07
And he said to her,
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?"
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他问她，（西班牙语）：
“阿什有男友了吗？”
“阿什有男友了吗？”
她答道，（西班牙语）：
“没有，但她有女朋友。”
“没有，但她有女朋友。”
08:14
And she said,
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend."
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他反问道，（西班牙语）：“女朋友？”
08:19
And he said,
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?"
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08:23
And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him,
and locked eyes with him,
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3112
而她放下叉子，盯着他，
08:26
and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,
a girlfriend. That is all."
a girlfriend. That is all."
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再次答道，（西班牙语）
“对，她有女朋友，就是这样。”，
“对，她有女朋友，就是这样。”，
08:31
And his smug smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect,
to one of maternal respect,
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他自鸣得意的微笑迅速转变为
某种对女性长辈的尊重
某种对女性长辈的尊重
08:36
grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work.
went back to work.
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拿起他的盘子，转身回到厨房干活。
期间她和我没有任何眼神交流。
08:39
She never made eye contact with me.
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08:41
She left, did the same thing --
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随后她也离开了，和她的堂弟一样。
08:43
it was a 10-second conversation,
such a short interaction.
such a short interaction.
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这次谈话持续了10秒钟，
却是一次短暂的互动。
却是一次短暂的互动。
08:46
And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him:
so much more in common with him:
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按理说，她和他才会有更多共同点：
语言，文化，历史，家庭，
社区以及她的生活。
社区以及她的生活。
08:49
language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here,
her community was her lifeline here,
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但她道义上的包容胜过了所有这些。
08:54
but her moral compass trumped all of that.
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08:58
And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
around in the kitchen in Spanish,
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3662
不久后，他们又一起在厨房
用西班牙语开玩笑，
用西班牙语开玩笑，
09:02
that had nothing to do with me,
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而这已和我没有任何关系。
那 就是二元包容性。
09:04
and that is duality.
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在同性恋和传统信仰之间，
她没必要非得对前者采取政治正确的立场，
她没必要非得对前者采取政治正确的立场，
09:06
She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance
on gayness over her heritage.
on gayness over her heritage.
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也不必因为偏向家庭而亏待了友谊。
09:11
She didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship.
her family over our friendship.
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这不是选耶稣，还是选阿什的问题。
09:14
It wasn't Jesus or Ash.
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09:16
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
（掌声）
09:20
(Applause)
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1937
09:27
Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted
was so strongly rooted
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她个人的道义感如此根深蒂固，
09:31
that she had the courage
to hold both things.
to hold both things.
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以至于她又有足够的勇气包容两种观念。
我们的道德良心是我们的责任，
09:35
Our moral integrity is our responsibility
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即使在不太方便的时候，
我们也必须呵护它。
我们也必须呵护它。
09:38
and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient.
even when it's not convenient.
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这就是成为盟友的意义。
而如果你想要成为盟友，
而如果你想要成为盟友，
09:42
That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally,
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你必须是一个积极的盟友。
09:46
you have to be an active ally:
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提出问题，
听到不恰当的观点时积极回应，
听到不恰当的观点时积极回应，
09:48
Ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate,
something inappropriate,
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09:52
actually engage.
184
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2028
切实参与进去。
我认识个家族朋友，
多年来一直把我的女友称为我的”情人“。
多年来一直把我的女友称为我的”情人“。
09:54
I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
used to call my girlfriend my lover.
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4433
10:00
Really? Lover?
186
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2444
真的吗？情人？
10:03
So overly sexual,
187
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2024
性的意味有点重啊，
10:05
so '70s gay porn.
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很像70年代美国的同性恋情色文学。
10:07
(Laughter)
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1206
（笑声）
但她在尝试，她积极询问我们的意见。
10:11
But she was trying, and she asked.
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她本可以叫我女友"我的朋友“
10:13
She could have called her my friend,
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1783
或我的”朋友“，或我的”特殊朋友“。
10:15
or my "friend," or my "special friend" --
192
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4134
（笑声）
10:19
(Laughter) --
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1384
10:21
or even worse, just not asked at all.
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2965
或者更糟的是，完全不打招呼。
相信我，我们更愿意你们把意见说出来。
10:24
Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
195
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3630
10:27
I would rather have her say lover,
than say nothing at all.
than say nothing at all.
196
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5241
我更愿意她叫我女友”情人“，
也好过什么都不说。
也好过什么都不说。
10:33
People often say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
"Well, Ash, I don't care.
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人们常和我说：”阿什，我不在乎。
我看不到种族，宗教或性别问题。
10:36
I don't see race
or religion or sexuality.
or religion or sexuality.
198
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3792
10:39
It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
199
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2843
它们对我没意义，我完全不在乎。“
10:44
But I think the opposite of homophobia
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
and racism and xenophobia is not love,
200
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5334
但我认为反同性恋，
种族主义和仇外的对立面不是爱，
种族主义和仇外的对立面不是爱，
而是冷漠。
10:49
it's apathy.
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如果你没关注我的同性恋倾向，
你就等于不认识我。
你就等于不认识我。
10:51
If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me.
then you don't see me.
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4103
10:55
If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with,
who I sleep with,
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2985
如果你觉得我和谁睡觉对你无关紧要，
那么你也无法想象 当我在深夜
10:58
then you cannot imagine what it feels like
204
645949
2185
11:00
when I walk down the street
late at night holding her hand,
late at night holding her hand,
205
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2876
牵着我女友的手走在街上时是什么感觉。
11:03
and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision
and have to make the decision
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我们走进人群，而我却不得不决定
究竟应该是继续双手相握
还是不得已分开。
还是不得已分开。
11:06
if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop it
or if I should I drop it
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2345
而我当时所希望的却是可以握得更紧。
11:08
when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter.
is squeeze it tighter.
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2318
当我保持紧握 不理会别人眼光时，
11:10
And the small victory I feel
209
658494
2517
11:13
when I make it by
and don't have to let go.
and don't have to let go.
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2707
我能感受到小小的胜利。
11:15
And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
and disappointment I feel when I drop it.
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5118
但当手松开，我也会体会到难以置信的
懦弱和失望。
懦弱和失望。
如果你们没有看见我的挣扎，没有体会到
11:21
If you do not see that struggle
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1948
11:22
that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
because I am gay, then you don't see me.
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6475
我因为同性恋身份而特有的体验，你们
就是没认识我。
就是没认识我。
11:29
If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me.
I need you to see me.
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5414
如果你想要成为一名盟友，我需要你们
先认清我。
先认清我。
11:34
As individuals, as allies, as humans,
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2943
作为个人，朋友，有人性的人，
11:37
we need to be able to hold both things:
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我们需要能够包容事物的两面：
11:40
both the good and the bad,
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2448
好的一面和坏的一面，
11:43
the easy and the hard.
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1830
容易的一面和困难的一面。
11:45
You don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff,
two things just from the fluff,
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4471
你不仅要从失误中学会包容两面性，
11:49
you learn it from the grit.
220
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2401
你还需要从磨砺中学到。
如果二元包容性只是第一步呢？
11:51
And what if duality
is just the first step?
is just the first step?
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3384
如果通过包容，移情和人性互动，
11:56
What if through compassion
and empathy and human interaction
and empathy and human interaction
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4829
我们能够学到并接受事物的两面，
下一步又会如何？
下一步又会如何？
12:01
we are able to learn to hold two things?
223
709138
2394
12:03
And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four,
two things, we can hold four,
224
711533
2314
我们能接受事物的两面，
我们就能接受的四面，
我们就能接受的四面，
12:06
and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight,
we can hold eight,
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713848
2010
如果我们能接受四面，
我们就能接受八面，
我们就能接受八面，
而如果我们能接受八面，
我们就能接受无穷。
我们就能接受无穷。
12:08
and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds.
we can hold hundreds.
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2240
我们都是复杂的个体，
12:10
We are complex individuals,
227
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2462
12:12
swirls of contradiction.
228
720562
1800
是矛盾的漩涡。
你们现在正接受着各种事物和观点。
12:14
You are all holding
so many things right now.
so many things right now.
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722362
2605
我们应该怎么做去接受更多更广呢？
12:18
What can you do to hold just a few more?
230
725888
3442
所以，回到俄亥俄州的托莱多市。
12:22
So, back to Toledo, Ohio.
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2137
12:24
I'm at the front of the line,
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2180
我正站在队伍的最前端，
肩上坐着我的小侄女，
疲惫的店员说我是她爸。
疲惫的店员说我是她爸。
12:26
niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad.
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4102
你们有过被人认错性别的经历吗？
12:30
Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender?
for the wrong gender?
234
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3560
12:35
Not even that.
235
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2198
不仅于此。
你们曾经被别人认错过吗？
12:37
Have you ever been called
something you are not?
something you are not?
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745310
4449
这是我当时的感觉：
12:43
Here's what it feels like for me:
237
751509
2530
我顿时感到五味杂陈。
12:46
I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions.
of contrasting emotions.
238
754040
4073
12:50
I break out into a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation,
a combination of rage and humiliation,
239
758114
5542
愤怒和羞辱让我汗流不止，
我觉得整个商店的人都在盯着我，
12:55
I feel like the entire store
is staring at me,
is staring at me,
240
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2960
同时也感到自己像个隐形人。
12:58
and I simultaneously feel invisible.
241
766618
2560
我既想一阵狂骂，
13:01
I want to explode in a tirade of fury,
242
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2943
又恨不得马上钻到地下。
13:04
and I want to crawl under a rock.
243
772123
2593
而所有这一切中，撇开挫折感，
最糟糕的是我当时穿了一件
最糟糕的是我当时穿了一件
13:06
And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing
with the frustration that I'm wearing
244
774717
3102
13:10
an out-of-character
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
tight-fitting purple t-shirt,
245
777820
3598
不符合我性格的紧身紫色T恤，
所以商店里每个人能看见我的胸部，
13:13
so this whole store can see my boobs,
246
781418
2038
穿这个就是为了保证不发生这种事的
13:15
to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen.
same thing doesn't happen.
247
783456
3001
（笑声）
13:18
(Laughter)
248
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2182
13:20
But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am,
to be seen as the gender I am,
249
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4322
尽管我竭尽全力表明我的性别，
还是发生了这样的事。
13:25
it still happens.
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1841
我真真切切地都希望当时没人听见
（店员误认我是小侄女她爸），
（店员误认我是小侄女她爸），
13:27
And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one heard --
of my body that no one heard --
251
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4692
不希望我的姐妹，女友听到，
当然也包括侄女。
当然也包括侄女。
13:31
not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece.
and certainly not my niece.
252
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4553
13:36
I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,
253
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2441
我对这种伤害已经习以为常了，
13:38
but I will do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it.
to protect the people I love from it.
254
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4075
但我要尽我所能保护我爱的人免遭伤害。
13:44
But then I take my niece off my shoulders,
255
811906
2534
于是我从肩上放下我的小侄女，
13:46
and she runs to Elsa and Anna --
256
814441
2174
她马上跑向了艾尔莎和安娜，
13:48
the thing she's been
waiting so long for --
waiting so long for --
257
816616
2566
她等这一刻等了这么久。
所有的那些烦恼也随之烟消云散。
13:51
and all that stuff goes away.
258
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2087
真正重要的是她脸上的笑容。
13:53
All that matters is the smile on her face.
259
821270
3710
13:57
And as the 30 seconds we waited
two and a half hours for comes to a close
two and a half hours for comes to a close
260
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5657
我们花两个半小时等来的30秒时光
快接近尾声时，
快接近尾声时，
14:02
we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
and I lock eyes with the clerk again;
261
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5203
我收拾好我们的东西，
又向那个店员看了一眼；
又向那个店员看了一眼；
她报以歉意的微笑 并用口型对我说，
14:08
and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths,
an apologetic smile and mouths,
262
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3136
”我真的十分抱歉！“
14:11
"I am so sorry!"
263
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2296
14:13
(Laughter)
264
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2109
（笑声）
14:15
And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately,
her mistake disarms me immediately,
265
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5856
她的仁慈和认错的意愿
让我瞬间卸下了心理防备，
让我瞬间卸下了心理防备，
14:21
then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens. But thanks."
it happens. But thanks."
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5172
我回答说：“没关系，有些事情无可避免
不过还是谢谢你。”
不过还是谢谢你。”
14:26
And I realize in that moment
267
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2990
我意识到 在那一刻
我不是一定
14:29
that I don't have to be
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要么是姨妈，要么是激励讲师，
我可以兼顾两个角色。
我可以兼顾两个角色。
14:31
either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both.
or an advocate, I can be both.
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我可以以二元包容性的姿态活着
我可以同时掌控两件事。
我可以同时掌控两件事。
14:37
I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things.
and I can hold two things.
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而如果我在那样的环境下可以兼顾两者，
14:42
And if I can hold two things
in that environment,
in that environment,
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14:45
I can hold so many more things.
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那么我也可以接受更多的事情。
14:47
As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out the front of the door,
and skip out the front of the door,
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当我女友和小侄女牵手跨出店门时，
我转向我妹妹问到，”这值得吗？“
14:51
I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?"
"Was it worth it?"
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14:54
And she said, "Are you kidding me?
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她回答：“你在开玩笑吗？
你没看见她脸上的笑容吗？这是她生命
里最快乐的一天！“
里最快乐的一天！“
14:56
Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!"
This was the greatest day of her life!"
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（笑声）
14:59
(Laughter)
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”在酷热中等待两个半小时很值得，
15:01
"It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat,
and a half hours in the heat,
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15:03
it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of."
that we already had a copy of."
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那本标价过高的彩色图书，
虽然我们已经有一本了，但仍然值得。”
虽然我们已经有一本了，但仍然值得。”
15:08
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
“甚至你被误认为是她爸也是值得的。”
15:10
"It was even worth you
getting called Dad."
getting called Dad."
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15:13
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
生命中的第一次 我同意她的话。
15:17
And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was.
in my life, it actually was.
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15:23
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
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谢谢波尔得市。祝大家晚安。
15:25
(Applause)
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（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocateAsh Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.
Why you should listen
Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com