TED@Westpac
Michelle Knox: Talk about your death while you're still healthy
Michelle Knox: Tal om din død mens du stadig er rask
Filmed:
Readability: 4.1
1,338,468 views
Ved du hvad der skal ske, når du dør? Ved du hvordan du vil huskes? I et ligefremt, hjertevarmt foredrag om et emne de fleste af os helst undgår, beder Michelle Knox os om at overveje vores ønsker ift. døden - og om at dele dem med vores kære, så de kan tage gode beslutninger uden frygt for ikke at ære vores minde. "Livet ville være lettere, hvis vi talte om døden nu", siger Knox. "Vi skal tale om disse emner, når vi er raske, så vi uden de store følelser kan forstå, hvad der er vigtigt, og hvorfor det er vigtigt".
Michelle Knox - Project and change professional
Westpac's Michelle Knox has led large-scale transformation programs in the UK, Ireland and Australia. Full bio
Westpac's Michelle Knox has led large-scale transformation programs in the UK, Ireland and Australia. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
To kick the bucket,
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At stille træskoene,
00:14
bite the dust,
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tage billetten,
00:16
cash in your chips,
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glemme at trække vejret,
00:18
check out, depart, expire,
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tjekke ud, tage bort, udånde,
00:21
launch into eternity ...
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rejse ind i evigheden...
00:24
These are all euphemisms we use in humor
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Det er alle eufemismer vi bruger i spøg
00:27
to describe the one life event
we are all going to experience:
we are all going to experience:
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til at beskrive den hændelse i livet,
vi alle kommer til at opleve:
vi alle kommer til at opleve:
00:32
death.
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Døden.
00:34
But most of us don't want
to acknowledge death,
to acknowledge death,
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De fleste vil dog ikke
anerkende døden,
anerkende døden,
00:37
we don't want to plan for it,
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vi har ikke lyst til at planlægge den,
00:39
and we don't want to discuss it with
the most important people in our lives.
the most important people in our lives.
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vi har ikke lyst til at tale om den
med de vigtigste mennesker i vores liv.
med de vigtigste mennesker i vores liv.
00:44
I grew up in an Australian community
where people got old or sick
where people got old or sick
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Jeg voksede op i Australien,
og så at folk blev gamle eller syge
og så at folk blev gamle eller syge
00:47
and passed away,
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og døde,
00:48
and only the adults attended the funeral.
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og kun de voksne
deltog i begravelserne.
deltog i begravelserne.
Min forældre kom hjem,
sørgmodige og trætte,
sørgmodige og trætte,
00:51
My parents would come home
looking sad and drained,
looking sad and drained,
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00:54
but they didn't discuss it with us.
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men talte ikke med os om det.
00:56
So I was ignorant to death
and of the grieving process.
and of the grieving process.
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Så jeg vidste intet om døden,
eller hvordan man sørger.
eller hvordan man sørger.
01:01
At 15, I got my invitation.
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Jeg var 15, da jeg fik en invitation.
01:03
A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me
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En elsket nabo,
der var som en tante for mig,
der var som en tante for mig,
01:06
died suddenly of a heart attack,
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døde pludseligt af hjertestop,
01:08
and I attended my first funeral
and did my first reading.
and did my first reading.
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og jeg deltog i min første begravelse,
og holdt min første gravtale.
og holdt min første gravtale.
01:12
I didn't know the tightness in my chest
and the dryness in my mouth was normal.
and the dryness in my mouth was normal.
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Jeg vidste ikke, at knugen i brystet
og tørhed i halsen er normalt.
og tørhed i halsen er normalt.
Faktuelle fejl i prædikenen,
gjorde mig virkelig vred.
gjorde mig virkelig vred.
01:18
The celebrant got some of the facts wrong,
and it made me really angry.
and it made me really angry.
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01:23
He talked about how she loved knitting.
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Det blev sagt,
at hun elskede at strikke.
at hun elskede at strikke.
01:28
Knitting.
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At strikke.
01:29
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:30
He didn't mention that, at 75,
she still mowed her own lawn,
she still mowed her own lawn,
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Ingen nævnte, at hun som 75-årig
stadig slog sin egen græsplæne,
stadig slog sin egen græsplæne,
01:34
built an amazing fish pond
in her front yard
in her front yard
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byggede en fantastisk
fiskedam i sin forhave
fiskedam i sin forhave
01:36
and made her own ginger beer.
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og bryggede sin egen ingefærøl.
01:39
I'm pretty sure "keen knitter"
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"Strikkeglad" er helt sikkert
01:41
isn't what she would
have chosen for her eulogy.
have chosen for her eulogy.
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ikke det, hun ville
have valgt til sin mindetale.
have valgt til sin mindetale.
01:44
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:46
I believe if we discuss death
as part of day-to-day living,
as part of day-to-day living,
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Hvis vi taler om død
som en del af dagligdagen,
som en del af dagligdagen,
01:49
we give ourselves the opportunity
to reflect on our core values,
to reflect on our core values,
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får vi mulighed for
at overveje vores værdier,
at overveje vores værdier,
01:52
share them with our loved ones,
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og dele dem med vores kære;
01:54
and then our survivors
can make informed decisions
can make informed decisions
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og vores efterladte kan
tage informerede beslutninger
tage informerede beslutninger
01:58
without fear or regret
of having failed to honor our legacy.
of having failed to honor our legacy.
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uden frygt eller fortrydelse for
ikke at have gjort vores eftermæle ære.
ikke at have gjort vores eftermæle ære.
02:04
I am blessed to lead a wonderful,
culturally diverse team,
culturally diverse team,
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Jeg er heldig at lede et
skønt, kulturelt mangfoldigt hold,
skønt, kulturelt mangfoldigt hold,
02:08
and in the last 12 months,
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og i løbet af det sidste år
02:09
we've lost five parents,
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har vi mistet fem forældre,
02:11
including my own father,
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heriblandt min egen far,
02:13
and most recently, a former colleague
who died at 41 from bowel cancer.
who died at 41 from bowel cancer.
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og senest en tidligere kollega,
som døde af tarmkræft som 41-årig.
som døde af tarmkræft som 41-årig.
02:19
We started having
open and frank conversations
open and frank conversations
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Vi begyndte at tale åbent og ærligt
02:21
about what we were experiencing.
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om vores oplevelser.
02:24
We talked about the practical stuff,
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Vi talte om det praktiske,
02:26
the stuff no one prepares you for:
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de ting, ingen forbereder dig på:
02:29
dealing with government agencies,
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At håndtere myndighederne,
02:31
hospitals, nursing homes,
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hospitalerne, plejehjemmene,
02:33
advanced care directives,
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livstestamenter,
02:34
funeral directors
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bedemænd
02:36
and extended family members,
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og fjerne familiemedlemmer,
02:39
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:40
making decisions about coffins,
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beslutninger om kister,
02:43
headstones,
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gravsten,
02:44
headstone wording,
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teksten på gravstenen,
02:45
headstone font size,
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størrelsen på teksten på gravstenen,
02:47
all while sleep-deprived.
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altsammen med søvnunderskud.
02:50
We also discussed some of the issues
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Vi talte også om de ting,
02:52
triggered by our various
cultural backgrounds,
cultural backgrounds,
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vores forskellige kulturelle
baggrunde udløste,
baggrunde udløste,
02:55
and we realized there can be
some significant differences
some significant differences
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og erkendte, at der kan
være stor forskel på,
være stor forskel på,
02:58
in how we honor
the passing of a loved one.
the passing of a loved one.
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hvordan man ærer
en elsket efter døden.
en elsket efter døden.
03:01
A great example of this
is "Sorry Business,"
is "Sorry Business,"
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Et glimrende eksempel er
"sorgpraksis",
"sorgpraksis",
03:04
practiced by Aboriginal
and Torres Strait Islander people.
and Torres Strait Islander people.
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der bruges af den oprindelige
befolkning i Australien og Torresstrædet.
befolkning i Australien og Torresstrædet.
03:07
During Sorry Business,
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Under "sorgpraksis"
03:10
family members will take on
specific roles and responsibilities,
specific roles and responsibilities,
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påtager slægtninge sig
bestemte roller og ansvar,
bestemte roller og ansvar,
03:13
protocols such as limiting
the use of photographs,
the use of photographs,
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og handlinger såsom
at begrænse fotografier,
at begrænse fotografier,
03:16
saying the name of the deceased,
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at undlade at sige den afdødes navn,
03:19
and holding a smoking ceremony
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og at afholde en rygeceremoni
03:21
are all a sign of respect and allow
for a peaceful transition of the spirit.
for a peaceful transition of the spirit.
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alt sammen tegn på respekt der
giver ånden en fredelig overgang.
giver ånden en fredelig overgang.
03:26
These customs can be a complete contrast
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Disse skikke kan
være i skarp kontrast
være i skarp kontrast
03:28
to those we might practice
in Western cultures,
in Western cultures,
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med de skikke, vi har
i vestlige kulturer,
i vestlige kulturer,
03:31
where we would honor
the memory of a loved one
the memory of a loved one
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hvor vi ærer en elsket persons minde
03:33
by talking about them
and sharing photographs.
and sharing photographs.
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ved at tale om vedkommende
og dele billeder.
og dele billeder.
03:37
So my lesson from this last year is,
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I det sidste år har jeg lært,
03:39
life would be a lot easier to live
if we talked about death now,
if we talked about death now,
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at livet ville være langt lettere,
hvis vi talte om døden nu,
hvis vi talte om døden nu,
03:45
while we're healthy.
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mens vi er raske.
03:47
For most of us, we wait
until we are too emotional,
until we are too emotional,
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De fleste af os venter,
indtil vi er for berørte,
indtil vi er for berørte,
03:50
too ill
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for syge
03:52
or too physically exhausted --
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eller for fysisk udmattede -
03:55
and then it's too late.
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og så er det for sent.
Er det ikke på tide vi tager
ejerskab af vores finale på jorden?
ejerskab af vores finale på jorden?
03:57
Isn't it time we started taking ownership
of our finale on this earth?
of our finale on this earth?
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04:03
So let's get going.
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Så lad os komme i gang.
04:05
Do you know what you want when you die?
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Ved du, hvad du ønsker, når du dør?
04:08
Do you know how you want to be remembered?
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Ved du, hvordan du
ønsker at blive mindet?
ønsker at blive mindet?
04:10
Is location important?
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Er stedet vigtigt?
04:13
Do you want to be near the ocean
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Vil du være nær havet
04:15
or in the ocean?
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eller i havet?
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:18
Do you want a religious service
or an informal party,
or an informal party,
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Ønsker du en religiøs ceremoni,
eller en uformel fest,
eller en uformel fest,
04:22
or do you want to go out with a bang,
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eller vil du gå ud med et brag,
04:24
literally, in a firework?
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bogstaveligt talt, med fyrværkeri?
04:27
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:28
When it comes to death,
there's so much to discuss,
there's so much to discuss,
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Der er så meget at tale om,
04:31
but I want to focus on two aspects:
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men jeg vil fokusere på to aspekter:
04:33
why talking about and planning your death
can help you experience a good death,
can help you experience a good death,
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Hvorfor det at tale om og planlægge
din død kan bidrage til en god død,
din død kan bidrage til en god død,
04:39
and then reduce the stress
on your loved ones;
on your loved ones;
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og mindske
presset på dine elskede;
presset på dine elskede;
04:41
and how talking about death can help us
support those who are grieving.
support those who are grieving.
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og hvordan det at tale om døden
kan støtte dem, der sørger.
kan støtte dem, der sørger.
04:45
So let's start with planning.
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Lad os begynde med planlægningen.
04:48
How many of you have a will?
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Hvor mange af jer har et testamente?
04:50
Put your hand up.
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Ræk hånden op.
04:51
Oh, this is fantastic.
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Åh, det er fantastisk!
04:53
In Australia, 45 percent
of adults over the age of 18
of adults over the age of 18
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I Australien har 45% af dem over 18 år
04:58
do not have a legal will.
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ikke et gyldigt testamente.
05:01
You're a little bit above average.
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I er lidt over gennemsnittet.
05:03
This is a startling statistic
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Det er en overraskende statistik,
05:06
given that writing a will can actually
be quite simple and inexpensive.
be quite simple and inexpensive.
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fordi det kan være både enkelt
og billigt at skrive testamente.
og billigt at skrive testamente.
05:10
So I started asking
my friends and neighbors
my friends and neighbors
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Jeg begyndte at spørge venner og naboer,
05:12
and was really surprised to learn
many of them don't have a will,
many of them don't have a will,
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og var overrasket over,
at mange intet testamente har,
at mange intet testamente har,
05:16
and some couples don't realize
they need individual wills.
they need individual wills.
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og nogle par ved ikke, at de bør
have hver deres testamente.
have hver deres testamente.
05:19
The usual explanation was, well,
it's all going to go to my partner anyway.
it's all going to go to my partner anyway.
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Sædvanligvis er forklaringen, at
"min partner får alligevel det hele".
"min partner får alligevel det hele".
05:24
So keep in mind that laws vary
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Husk, at loven er forskellig
05:26
from state to state
and country to country,
and country to country,
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fra stat til stat og land til land.
05:29
but this is what happens
in New South Wales
in New South Wales
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Her er, hvad der sker i New South Wales,
05:31
if you die without leaving a legal will.
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hvis du dør uden at
efterlade et gyldigt testamente.
efterlade et gyldigt testamente.
05:35
Firstly, a suitable administrator
must be appointed
must be appointed
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Først skal en passende
bobestyrer udpeges
bobestyrer udpeges
05:38
by the Supreme Court of New South Wales.
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af højesteretten for New South Wales.
05:41
Chances are this is someone
who would never have met the deceased.
who would never have met the deceased.
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Formentlig er dette en person,
der aldrig har mødt den afdøde.
der aldrig har mødt den afdøde.
05:45
That person is then responsible
for arranging your funeral,
for arranging your funeral,
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Denne person er ansvarlig for
at planlægge din begravelse,
at planlægge din begravelse,
05:49
collecting assets and distributing them
after paying debts and taxes.
after paying debts and taxes.
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samle dine aktiver og fordele dem
efter at have betalt gæld og skat.
efter at have betalt gæld og skat.
05:54
And one of those debts
will be the bill for their services.
will be the bill for their services.
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En del af gælden er
regningen for denne service.
regningen for denne service.
05:57
This is not someone who would have known
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Denne person ved ikke,
05:59
you want the four-foot
wooden giraffe in your living room
wooden giraffe in your living room
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at du vil efterlade den
meter-høje træ-giraf i din stue
meter-høje træ-giraf i din stue
06:02
to go to the person who helped you
carry it halfway across the world,
carry it halfway across the world,
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til den der hjalp dig med
at slæbe den halvvejs om Jorden,
at slæbe den halvvejs om Jorden,
06:05
and yes, that's in my will.
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og ja, det står der i mit testamente.
06:07
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:10
If you die leaving a spouse
or a domestic partner,
or a domestic partner,
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Hvis du efterlader en
ægtefælle eller samlever,
ægtefælle eller samlever,
06:12
then chances are
they will receive your estate,
they will receive your estate,
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vil de sandsynligvis arve dig,
men hvis du er alene,
er det mere indviklet,
er det mere indviklet,
06:15
but if you are single,
it's far more complicated,
it's far more complicated,
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06:18
as parents, siblings, half-siblings
and dependents all come into play.
and dependents all come into play.
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fordi forældre, søskende,
halvsøskende m.m alle kommer i spil.
halvsøskende m.m alle kommer i spil.
06:24
And did you know that if you make
a regular donation to charity,
a regular donation to charity,
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Hvis du regelmæssigt har
doneret til velgørenhed,
doneret til velgørenhed,
06:28
that charity may have grounds
to make a claim on your estate?
to make a claim on your estate?
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har modtageren måske
ret til en del af boet.
ret til en del af boet.
06:32
The most important thing to know
is the bigger your estate,
is the bigger your estate,
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Det vigtigste er, at jo større dit bo er,
06:35
the more complicated that will will be,
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jo mere indviklet bliver testamentet -
06:37
and the more expensive that bill.
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og dermed dyrere.
06:40
So if you don't have a will, I ask you ...
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Så hvis du ikke har et
testamente, beder jeg dig...
testamente, beder jeg dig...
06:45
when else in your life
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hvornår ellers i livet
06:47
have you willingly given money
to the government
to the government
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har du villigt givet penge til staten
06:50
when you didn't have to?
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uden at være tvunget?
06:52
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:55
I lost my father in February
to a progressive lung disease.
to a progressive lung disease.
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Min far døde i februar
af en lungesygdom.
af en lungesygdom.
Da min far vidste,
at han snart skulle dø,
at han snart skulle dø,
06:59
When dad knew his death was imminent,
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07:01
he had three clear wishes.
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havde han tre klare ønsker.
07:03
He wanted to die at home;
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Han ville dø i sit hjem;
07:06
he wanted to die surrounded by family;
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han ville dø omgivet af familie;
07:08
and he wanted to die peacefully,
not choking or gasping for air.
not choking or gasping for air.
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og han ville dø fredeligt, uden at
skulle gispe efter vejret.
skulle gispe efter vejret.
07:13
And I'm pleased to say that my family
were able to support dad's wishes,
were able to support dad's wishes,
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Det var heldigvis muligt for os
at opfylde hans ønsker,
at opfylde hans ønsker,
07:17
and he achieved his goals,
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og han nåede sine mål -
07:18
and in that sense, he had a good death.
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og i den forstand var det en god død.
07:22
He had the death he planned for.
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Den død, han havde planlagt.
07:25
Because dad wanted to die at home,
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Fordi min far ønskede at dø hjemme,
07:27
we had to have some
pretty tough conversations
pretty tough conversations
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var det nødvendigt at føre
nogle meget svære samtaler
nogle meget svære samtaler
07:29
and fill out a lot of paperwork.
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og lave meget papirarbejde.
07:31
The questions on the forms cover everything
from resuscitation to organ donation.
from resuscitation to organ donation.
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Spørgsmålene dækkede alt
fra genoplivning til organdonation.
fra genoplivning til organdonation.
07:37
Dad said, "Take whatever
organs you can use."
organs you can use."
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Far sagde, "Tag de organer, der kan bruges".
07:41
This was upsetting to my mum,
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Det blev min mor helt oprevet af,
07:43
as my dad's health
was deteriorating rapidly,
was deteriorating rapidly,
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fordi min fars helbred svækkedes,
07:45
and it was no longer the right time
to talk about organ donation.
to talk about organ donation.
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og det ikke længere gav mening
at tale om organdonation.
at tale om organdonation.
Vi skal tale om disse emner,
når vi er raske og har det godt,
når vi er raske og har det godt,
07:50
I believe we need to discuss these issues
when we are fit and healthy,
when we are fit and healthy,
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07:54
so we can take the emotion out of it,
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så vi kan udelade følelserne
07:56
and then we can learn
not just what is important,
not just what is important,
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og ikke bare finde ud af,
hvad der er vigtigt,
hvad der er vigtigt,
07:59
but why it's important.
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men hvorfor det er vigtigt.
08:02
So as part of my journey,
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Som en del af min rejse
08:04
I started engaging my family and friends
to find out their thoughts on death,
to find out their thoughts on death,
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begyndte jeg at tale med mine nære
for at høre deres tanker om døden,
for at høre deres tanker om døden,
08:09
and how they wanted to be remembered.
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og hvordan de gerne vil huskes.
Jeg opdagede, at man kan
være vært for "Døden til Middag",
være vært for "Døden til Middag",
08:12
I discovered you can host
a "Death Over Dinner,"
a "Death Over Dinner,"
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08:16
or a "Death Cafe,"
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eller en "Dødscafé",
08:18
which is a great, casual way
to introduce the topic ...
to introduce the topic ...
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hvilket er er herlig, uformel
måde at tage emnet op på...
måde at tage emnet op på...
08:21
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
08:23
and gain some wonderful insight.
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og opnå stor indsigt.
08:25
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
08:27
Did you know that your body
has to be legally disposed of,
has to be legally disposed of,
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Vidste du, at din krop
skal bortskaffes lovligt,
skal bortskaffes lovligt,
08:30
and you can't just be shoved off a cliff
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og at du ikke bare må
blive kastet ud over en klippe
blive kastet ud over en klippe
08:33
or set fire to in the backyard?
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eller brændt i baghaven?
08:35
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
08:36
In Australia, you have three options.
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1877
I Australien er der tre muligheder.
08:38
The two most common
are burial and cremation,
are burial and cremation,
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De mest almindelige er
begravelse og kremering,
begravelse og kremering,
08:40
but you can also donate
your body to science.
your body to science.
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men man kan også
donere sin krop til videnskaben.
donere sin krop til videnskaben.
08:43
And I am pleased to report
that innovation has touched
that innovation has touched
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Og det glæder mig at kunne meddele,
at der nu er innovation i
at der nu er innovation i
08:46
the world of corpse disposal.
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lig-bortskaffelses-branchen.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
08:49
You can now opt for an eco-funeral.
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Nu er miljøvenlige
begravelser en mulighed.
begravelser en mulighed.
08:51
You can be buried at the base of a tree
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Man kan blive begravet
for foden af et træ
for foden af et træ
08:53
in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket,
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i genbrugskarton eller en flettet kurv.
08:56
and for those who love the ocean,
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For dem, der elsker havet,
08:57
there are eco-friendly urns
that will dissolve at sea.
that will dissolve at sea.
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er der miljøvenlige urner,
der opløses til søs.
der opløses til søs.
09:01
Personally, I plan to be cremated,
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Personligt vil jeg kremeres.
09:04
but given that I get seasick,
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Fordi jeg let bliver søsyg,
09:06
I can think of nothing worse
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kan jeg ikke forestille mig noget værre
09:08
than having my ashes
flung into a huge ocean swell.
flung into a huge ocean swell.
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536576
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end at få min aske kastet
i en kæmpe havdønning.
i en kæmpe havdønning.
Jeg har faktisk købt plads i
rosenhaven ved siden af min far.
rosenhaven ved siden af min far.
09:12
I've actually bought a plot
in the rose garden next to my dad.
in the rose garden next to my dad.
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2920
09:16
I call it my investment property.
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1953
Jeg kalder det min investeringsejendom.
09:18
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
09:20
But sadly, there's no tax deduction.
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Men desværre er der intet skattefradrag.
09:23
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
09:26
So if you plan for your death,
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Hvis du planlægger din død,
09:29
then your survivors will know
how to experience a healthy bereavement
how to experience a healthy bereavement
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ved dine efterladte, hvordan
de gør det rigtig,
de gør det rigtig,
09:33
without fear or guilt of having failed
to honor your legacy.
to honor your legacy.
196
561678
3103
uden frygt eller dårlig samvittighed over
ikke at have æret dit minde.
ikke at have æret dit minde.
Gennem min forskning har
jeg deltaget i seminarer,
jeg deltaget i seminarer,
09:37
As part of my research,
I've been to seminars,
I've been to seminars,
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09:40
read books and talked
to palliative care nurses.
to palliative care nurses.
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3046
læst bøger og talt med sygeplejersker
med speciale i smertelindring.
med speciale i smertelindring.
09:43
And I've come to understand
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1331
Det er gået op for mig,
09:44
as a consequence
of not talking about death,
of not talking about death,
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3319
at fordi vi ikke taler om døden,
09:48
we don't know how to be around grief.
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2127
ved vi ikke, hvordan
vi skal håndtere sorg.
vi skal håndtere sorg.
09:51
And on the flip side,
if we talk about death more,
if we talk about death more,
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579591
3219
Og modsat, hvis vi
taler mere om døden,
taler mere om døden,
09:54
we will become more comfortable with
the emotions we experience around grief.
the emotions we experience around grief.
203
582834
4317
bliver vi mere vant til de
følelser, der hører sorgen til.
følelser, der hører sorgen til.
10:01
I discovered, this year,
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1771
I år opdagede jeg,
10:03
it's actually a privilege
to help someone exit this life,
to help someone exit this life,
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3873
at det faktisk er et privilegie
at hjælpe nogen forlade dette liv.
at hjælpe nogen forlade dette liv.
10:07
and although my heart
is heavy with loss and sadness,
is heavy with loss and sadness,
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595248
3863
Mit hjerte er
tungt af tab og sorg,
tungt af tab og sorg,
10:11
it is not heavy with regret.
207
599135
1524
men ikke af fortrydelse.
10:13
I knew what dad wanted,
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601524
1993
Jeg vidste, hvad min far ønskede,
10:15
and I feel at peace knowing
I could support his wishes.
I could support his wishes.
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603541
2872
og fandt fred i, at jeg
kunne udføre hans ønsker.
kunne udføre hans ønsker.
10:21
My dad's last 24 hours
were in a peaceful coma,
were in a peaceful coma,
210
609057
3641
Min fars sidste døgn
var i fredeligt koma,
var i fredeligt koma,
10:24
and after days of around-the-clock care,
211
612722
2008
og efter dagevis af døgnpleje,
10:26
we had time to sit, hold his hand,
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614754
2413
havde vi tid til at sidde
og holde hans hånd,
og holde hans hånd,
10:29
and say goodbye.
213
617191
1284
og sige farvel.
10:31
He passed away on a Monday morning
just before breakfast,
just before breakfast,
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3389
Han døde en mandag morgen
lige før morgenmad,
lige før morgenmad,
10:34
and after the doctor came
215
622907
1667
og lægen kom.
10:36
and we waited for the funeral home,
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624598
2616
Mens vi ventede på bedemanden,
10:39
I went into the kitchen,
and I ate a big bowl of porridge.
and I ate a big bowl of porridge.
217
627238
3746
gik jeg ud i køkkenet og
spiste en stor skål havregrød.
spiste en stor skål havregrød.
10:45
When I told some of my friends this,
they were really shocked.
they were really shocked.
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633041
3095
Det blev nogle af mine venner,
virkelig chokeret over.
virkelig chokeret over.
10:48
"How could you eat at a time like that?"
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3038
"Hvordan kunne du
spise i den situation?"
spise i den situation?"
10:53
Well, I was hungry.
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2909
Jamen, jeg var sulten.
10:56
(Laughter)
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4690
(Latter)
11:00
You see, grief impacted my sleep
and my ability to concentrate,
and my ability to concentrate,
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648811
3953
Forstår I, sorgen påvirkede
min søvn og koncentrationsevne,
min søvn og koncentrationsevne,
11:04
but it never impacted my stomach.
I was always hungry.
I was always hungry.
223
652788
3251
men aldrig min mave.
Jeg var hele tiden sulten.
Jeg var hele tiden sulten.
11:08
(Laughter)
224
656063
1184
(Latter)
11:09
It's different for all of us,
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1610
Det er forskelligt for os alle,
11:10
and it's really important
that we acknowledge that.
that we acknowledge that.
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2721
og det er meget vigtigt at anerkende.
11:14
So if we don't talk about our death
and the death of loved ones,
and the death of loved ones,
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662698
3151
Hvis vi ikke taler om vores død,
og vores næres død,
og vores næres død,
11:17
how can we possibly support
a friend, a colleague, a neighbor
a friend, a colleague, a neighbor
228
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4131
hvordan skal vi så kunne støtte
en ven, en kollega, en nabo,
en ven, en kollega, en nabo,
11:22
who is grieving?
229
670028
1617
der sørger?
11:23
How do we support someone
who has lost someone suddenly,
who has lost someone suddenly,
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671669
3009
Hvordan støtter man en person,
der pludselig har mistet nogen,
der pludselig har mistet nogen,
11:26
like an accident or suicide?
231
674702
1903
i en ulykke eller et selvmord?
11:29
We tend to avoid them ...
232
677685
1460
Vi plejer at undgå dem...
11:32
not because we don't care,
233
680359
2461
ikke fordi vi er ligeglade,
11:34
because we don't know what to say.
234
682844
1872
fordi vi ikke ved, hvad vi skal sige.
11:37
We know as a friend we can't fix it,
235
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2652
Vi kan ikke gøre det godt igen,
11:40
we can't take away that pain,
236
688588
2595
vi kan ikke fjerne smerten,
så vi forsøger at fylde
den akavede tavshed,
den akavede tavshed,
11:43
so we say things
to fill that awkward silence,
to fill that awkward silence,
237
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3191
11:46
sometimes things we regret saying.
238
694422
1697
og siger nogle gange
noget, vi fortryder.
noget, vi fortryder.
11:49
Examples would be:
239
697532
1285
For eksempel:
11:53
"At least he isn't suffering anymore."
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701158
2016
"I det mindste lider han ikke længere."
11:56
"At least you've got your memories."
241
704673
1745
"Du har da minderne."
12:00
"At least you don't have to pay
for hospital parking anymore."
for hospital parking anymore."
242
708215
2920
"Du slipper i det mindste for
betaling af hospitalsparkering"
betaling af hospitalsparkering"
12:03
(Laughter)
243
711159
2096
(Latter)
12:05
Really, we don't need to say anything.
244
713279
2761
I virkeligheden behøver
vi ikke at sige noget.
vi ikke at sige noget.
12:08
We just need to be.
245
716588
1460
Vi skal bare være.
12:11
Be patient,
246
719211
1844
Være tålmodige,
12:13
be understanding,
247
721079
2182
være forstående,
12:15
and be a listener.
248
723285
1227
og lytte.
12:17
And if you can't be any of those things,
249
725672
3234
Hvis du ikke kan nogen af de ting,
12:20
then please, be the person who makes
the lasagna, the curry or the casserole,
the lasagna, the curry or the casserole,
250
728930
4211
så vær i det mindste den, der laver
lasagnen, karryen eller gryderetten,
lasagnen, karryen eller gryderetten,
12:25
because your offerings
will be greatly appreciated.
will be greatly appreciated.
251
733165
2460
for dit bidrag vil blive værdsat.
12:27
(Laughter)
252
735649
1563
(Latter)
12:29
I've been to 10 funerals in the last year,
253
737686
2342
Jeg har deltaget i 10
begravelser det seneste år,
begravelser det seneste år,
12:32
one of which I helped arrange.
254
740052
1970
og hjulpet med at
arrangere en af dem.
arrangere en af dem.
12:34
They ran the full gamut:
255
742046
2218
Der var alle slags:
12:36
a very solemn Greek Orthodox service,
256
744288
2461
En meget højtidelig
græsk ortodoks gudstjeneste,
græsk ortodoks gudstjeneste,
12:38
four Catholic requiem masses
257
746773
2611
fire katolske rekviemmer
12:41
and a garden party
258
749408
1659
og en havefest,
12:43
where I made a toast while scattering
my friend's ashes around her garden
my friend's ashes around her garden
259
751091
4437
hvor jeg holdt tale, mens jeg
strøede hendes aske i haven
strøede hendes aske i haven
12:47
with a soup ladle.
260
755552
1325
med en suppeske.
12:48
(Laughter)
261
756901
1526
(Latter)
12:50
I have carried, kissed, written on
and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo.
and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo.
262
758451
4634
Jeg har båret, kysset, skrevet på og
skålet for kister med et shot ouzo.
skålet for kister med et shot ouzo.
12:55
I have worn all black,
263
763783
1576
Jeg har været klædt helt i sort,
12:57
all color and a party dress.
264
765383
2777
farverigt og i en festkjole.
13:00
Despite the vast differences in sendoff,
265
768184
2285
På trods af de store forskelle,
13:02
despite me being at times
out of my comfort zone
out of my comfort zone
266
770493
2522
på trods af, at jeg måske
har været utilpas,
har været utilpas,
13:05
doing something I've never done before,
267
773039
2842
når jeg gjorde noget,
jeg aldrig havde gjort før,
jeg aldrig havde gjort før,
13:07
I drew comfort from one thing --
268
775905
1960
fandt jeg styrke i en ting -
jeg vidste, at det var, hvad
hver person ville have ønsket.
hver person ville have ønsket.
13:10
knowing that this is what each person
would have wanted.
would have wanted.
269
778889
2984
13:15
So what do I want?
270
783187
1150
Hvad ønsker jeg så?
13:17
Well, I like to be organized,
so I have the will,
so I have the will,
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785218
3992
Jeg kan lide at være velforberedt,
så jeg har testamentet,
så jeg har testamentet,
13:21
I'm a registered organ donor,
and I have my investment property.
and I have my investment property.
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789234
3190
jeg er registreret organdonor,
og jeg har min investeringsejendom.
og jeg har min investeringsejendom.
13:25
All that is left is planning my sendoff,
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2731
Det eneste, der mangler,
er at planlægge afskeden,
er at planlægge afskeden,
13:27
a big party, lots of champagne,
274
795941
3341
en stor fest, masser af champagne,
13:31
color, laughter, and of course,
music to remember me by.
music to remember me by.
275
799306
3714
farver, grin og selvfølgelig
musik at mindes mig til.
musik at mindes mig til.
13:35
Thank you.
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1151
Mange tak.
13:36
(Applause)
277
804671
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(Klapsalve)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Michelle Knox - Project and change professionalWestpac's Michelle Knox has led large-scale transformation programs in the UK, Ireland and Australia.
Why you should listen
Michelle Knox currently works in Finance Transformation for Westpac Banking Corporation, Sydney, Australia, leading a team to deliver superior products, services and sustainable change. In a world of constant change and disruption, Knox is passionate about helping others to adapt and thrive by identifying and supporting the unique skills and talents of individuals to create a positive work environment.
Knox is also an avid work traveler and storyteller, often combining these passions to write witty accounts of her adventures in a travel blog.
In 2017, Knox's father passed away from a progressive illness. Through this experience, Knox learned that talking about death and planning for it enabled her father to experience a good death and her family to have a healthy bereavement, something she realized not everyone achieves.
After discussing death with friends, colleagues and complete strangers, Knox realized there was a need to address the way we deal with the most significant change we will all experience: death. With humor and compassion, Knox shares her own experiences and learnings in order to help others. She is living proof that talking about death won’t kill you.
Michelle Knox | Speaker | TED.com