TED2017
Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
Guy Winch: Kako izliječiti slomljeno srce
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Barem jednom u životu, svakome od nas bit će slomljeno srce. Zamislite kako bi stvari bile drugačije da obraćamo više pozornosti na tu jedinstvenu emocionalnu bol. Psiholog Guy Winch otkriva kako oporavak od slomljenog srca počinje odlukom da se borimo protiv našeg instinkta da idealiziramo i tražimo odgovore tamo gdje ih nema - i nudi rješenje kako, konačno, krenuti dalje. Naša srca se možda nekada slome, ali ne moramo se i mi slomiti s njima.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
At some point in our lives,
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Jednom u životu,
00:14
almost every one of us
will have our heart broken.
will have our heart broken.
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gotovo svakome od nas slomljeno je srce.
00:18
My patient Kathy planned her wedding
when she was in middle school.
when she was in middle school.
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Moja pacijentica Kathy već je u srednjoj
školi planirala svoje vjenčanje.
školi planirala svoje vjenčanje.
00:23
She would meet her future husband
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Upoznat će budućeg muža
00:25
by age 27,
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do 27. godine,
00:26
get engaged a year later
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zaručiti se godinu kasnije
00:28
and get married a year after that.
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i oženiti se godinu nakon toga.
00:31
But when Kathy turned 27,
she didn't find a husband.
she didn't find a husband.
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No Kathy nije našla muža
kada je navršila 27 godina.
kada je navršila 27 godina.
00:35
She found a lump in her breast.
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Našla je kvržicu na dojci.
00:38
She went through many months
of harsh chemotherapy
of harsh chemotherapy
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Mjesecima je odlazila na
teške kemoterapije
teške kemoterapije
00:41
and painful surgeries,
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i bolne operacije
00:43
and then just as she was ready
to jump back into the dating world,
to jump back into the dating world,
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i baš kada je bila spremna opet
početi izlaziti na spojeve,
početi izlaziti na spojeve,
00:47
she found a lump in her other breast
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pronašla je kvržicu na drugoj dojci
00:50
and had to do it all over again.
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i sve je počelo ispočetka.
00:53
Kathy recovered, though,
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Kathy se oporavila
00:54
and she was eager to resume
her search for a husband
her search for a husband
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i htjela je nastaviti svoju
potragu za mužem
potragu za mužem
00:57
as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
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čim bi joj obrve opet narasle.
01:00
When you're going
on first dates in New York City,
on first dates in New York City,
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Kada u New Yorku idete na prvi spoj,
01:02
you need to be able to express
a wide range of emotions.
a wide range of emotions.
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morate moći izraziti svakakve osjećaje.
01:05
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:07
Soon afterwards,
she met Rich and fell in love.
she met Rich and fell in love.
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Uskoro nakon toga upoznala
je Richa i zaljubila se.
je Richa i zaljubila se.
01:10
The relationship was everything
she hoped it would be.
she hoped it would be.
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Veza je bila onakvom
kakvom ju je zamišljala.
kakvom ju je zamišljala.
01:14
Six months later,
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Šest mjeseci kasnije,
01:15
after a lovely weekend in New England,
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nakon lijepog vikenda u Novoj Engleskoj,
01:18
Rich made reservations
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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Rich je rezervirao mjesto u njihovom
najdražem romantičnom restoranu.
najdražem romantičnom restoranu.
01:22
Kathy knew he was going to propose,
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Kathy je znala da će ju zaprositi
01:24
and she could barely
contain her excitement.
contain her excitement.
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i jedva je mogla sakriti uzbuđenje.
01:28
But Rich did not propose
to Kathy that night.
to Kathy that night.
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No Rich nije zaprosio Kathy te večeri.
01:31
He broke up with her.
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Prekinuo je s njom.
01:33
As deeply as he cared
for Kathy -- and he did --
for Kathy -- and he did --
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Koliko god da mu je bilo
stalo do Kathy -- a zaista jest --
stalo do Kathy -- a zaista jest --
01:36
he simply wasn't in love.
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jednostavno nije
bio zaljubljen.
bio zaljubljen.
01:39
Kathy was shattered.
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Kathy je bila shrvana.
01:41
Her heart was truly broken,
and she now faced yet another recovery.
and she now faced yet another recovery.
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Srce joj je zaista bilo slomljeno
i čekao ju je još jedan oporavak.
i čekao ju je još jedan oporavak.
01:46
But five months after the breakup,
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No 5 mjeseci nakon prekida,
01:49
Kathy still couldn't stop
thinking about Rich.
thinking about Rich.
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Kathy nije mogla
prestati misliti na Richa.
prestati misliti na Richa.
01:52
Her heart was still very much broken.
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Srce joj je još uvijek bilo slomljeno.
01:56
The question is:
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Pitanje je:
01:57
Why?
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Zašto?
01:59
Why was this incredibly strong
and determined woman
and determined woman
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Zašto ova nevjerojatno
jaka i odlučna žena
jaka i odlučna žena
02:03
unable to marshal the same
emotional resources
emotional resources
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nije upotrijebila istu emocionalnu snagu
02:06
that got her through four years
of cancer treatments?
of cancer treatments?
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kojom je prebrodila 4 godine kemoterapija?
02:10
Why do so many of us flounder
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Zašto se mnogi od nas muče
02:12
when we're trying
to recover from heartbreak?
to recover from heartbreak?
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kada se pokušavaju oporaviti
od slomljenog srca?
od slomljenog srca?
02:16
Why do the same coping mechanisms
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Zašto sve one strategije
02:18
that get us through all kinds
of life challenges
of life challenges
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koje koristimo za rješavanje
raznih životnih problema
raznih životnih problema
02:21
fail us so miserably
when our heart gets broken?
when our heart gets broken?
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uopće ne funkcioniraju kada
imamo slomljeno srce?
imamo slomljeno srce?
02:25
In over 20 years of private practice,
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U više od 20 godina privatne prakse,
02:28
I have seen people
of every age and background
of every age and background
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vidio sam ljude svih godina i porijekla
02:31
face every manner of heartbreak,
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kako se suočavaju sa slomljenim srcem
02:33
and what I've learned is this:
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i evo što sam naučio:
02:36
when your heart is broken,
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kada vam je srce slomljeno,
02:39
the same instincts you ordinarily rely on
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oni isti instinkti na
koje se inače oslanjate
koje se inače oslanjate
02:42
will time and again lead you
down the wrong path.
down the wrong path.
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stalno će vas navoditi na krivi put.
02:46
You simply cannot trust
what your mind is telling you.
what your mind is telling you.
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Jednostavno ne možete vjerovati
onome što vam um govori.
onome što vam um govori.
02:51
For example, we know from studies
of heartbroken people
of heartbroken people
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Primjerice, iz istraživanja
o slomljenom srcu znamo
o slomljenom srcu znamo
02:54
that having a clear understanding
of why the relationship ended
of why the relationship ended
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da je jako važno točno znati i razumjeti
zašto je došlo do prekida veze
zašto je došlo do prekida veze
02:57
is really important
for our ability to move on.
for our ability to move on.
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kako bismo mogli nastaviti dalje.
03:01
Yet time and again,
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No svaki puta
03:03
when we are offered a simple
and honest explanation
and honest explanation
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kada dobijemo jednostavno
i iskreno objašnjenje,
i iskreno objašnjenje,
03:06
like the one Rich offered Kathy,
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kao što je Rich objasnio Kathy,
03:08
we reject it.
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mi ga odbijemo.
03:10
Heartbreak creates
such dramatic emotional pain,
such dramatic emotional pain,
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Slomljeno srce stvara tako
dramatičnu emocionalnu bol
dramatičnu emocionalnu bol
03:14
our mind tells us the cause
must be equally dramatic.
must be equally dramatic.
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da nam um govori kako uzrok
mora biti isto tako dramatičan.
mora biti isto tako dramatičan.
03:18
And that gut instinct is so powerful,
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I taj unutrašnji instinkt je toliko jak
03:21
it can make even the most reasonable
and measured of us
and measured of us
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da čak i oni najrazumniji
i najrealniji od nas
i najrealniji od nas
03:24
come up with mysteries
and conspiracy theories
and conspiracy theories
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počinju izmišljati tajanstvene
uzroke i teorije urote
uzroke i teorije urote
03:28
where none exist.
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koje uopće ne postoje.
03:30
Kathy became convinced
something must have happened
something must have happened
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Kathy se uvjerila da se nešto dogodilo
03:32
during her romantic getaway with Rich
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tijekom romantičnog vikenda s Richom
03:34
that soured him on the relationship,
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što mu je upropastilo vezu
03:36
and she became obsessed
with figuring out what that was.
with figuring out what that was.
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i postala je opsjednuta time
da sazna što je to bilo.
da sazna što je to bilo.
03:40
And so she spent countless hours
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Provela je sate i sate u glavi
03:42
going through every minute
of that weekend in her mind,
of that weekend in her mind,
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prisjećajući se svake minute tog vikenda,
03:45
searching her memory for clues
that were not there.
that were not there.
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tražeći dokaze kojih nije bilo.
03:50
Kathy's mind tricked her
into initiating this wild goose chase.
into initiating this wild goose chase.
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Kathyin um natjerao ju je da
krene u tu uzaludnu potragu.
krene u tu uzaludnu potragu.
03:54
But what compelled her to commit to it
for so many months?
for so many months?
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No što ju je tjeralo da to radi mjesecima?
03:59
Heartbreak is far more insidious
than we realize.
than we realize.
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Slomljeno srce podmuklije
je nešto što se čini.
je nešto što se čini.
04:03
There is a reason we keep going
down one rabbit hole after another,
down one rabbit hole after another,
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Postoji razlog zašto idemo od
jedne do druge bizarnosti
jedne do druge bizarnosti
04:08
even when we know it's going
to make us feel worse.
to make us feel worse.
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iako znamo da ćemo se
samo još gore osjećati.
samo još gore osjećati.
04:11
Brain studies have shown
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Istraživanja mozga pokazala su
04:13
that the withdrawal of romantic love
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da uklanjanje romantične ljubavi
04:15
activates the same mechanisms
in our brain that get activated
in our brain that get activated
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aktivira iste mehanizme u mozgu kao
04:19
when addicts are withdrawing
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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kada se ovisnici odvikavaju od
supstanci poput kokaina ili opioida.
supstanci poput kokaina ili opioida.
04:25
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
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Kathy je bila na odvikavanju.
04:27
And since she could not have
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
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I budući da se nije mogla "drogirati"
time što je u vezi s Richom,
time što je u vezi s Richom,
04:31
her unconscious mind chose
the methadone of her memories with him.
the methadone of her memories with him.
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um joj je za odvikavanje nesvjesno
odabrao sjećanja na njega.
odabrao sjećanja na njega.
04:37
Her instincts told her
she was trying to solve a mystery,
she was trying to solve a mystery,
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Instinkti su joj govorili da
pokušava riješiti zagonetku,
pokušava riješiti zagonetku,
04:40
but what she was actually doing
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ali zapravo je samo uzimala
04:41
was getting her fix.
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sljedeći šut.
04:45
This is what makes heartbreak
so difficult to heal.
so difficult to heal.
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Zato je tako teško
preboljeti slomljeno srce.
preboljeti slomljeno srce.
04:49
Addicts know they're addicted.
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Ovisnici znaju da su ovisni.
04:51
They know when they're shooting up.
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Znaju kada uzimaju šut.
04:53
But heartbroken people do not.
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No ljudi slomljenog srca ne znaju.
04:56
But you do now.
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No sada znate.
04:58
And if your heart is broken,
you cannot ignore that.
you cannot ignore that.
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I ako vam je srce slomljeno,
ne možete to ignorirati.
ne možete to ignorirati.
05:02
You have to recognize that,
as compelling as the urge is,
as compelling as the urge is,
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Morate shvatiti da, koliko
god to bilo privlačno,
god to bilo privlačno,
05:06
with every trip down memory lane,
every text you send,
every text you send,
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svako prisjećanje, svaka
poruka koju pošaljete,
poruka koju pošaljete,
05:09
every second you spend
stalking your ex on social media,
stalking your ex on social media,
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svaka sekunda koju provedete prateći
svog bivšeg na društvenoj mreži
svog bivšeg na društvenoj mreži
05:13
you are just feeding your addiction,
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samo hrani vašu ovisnost,
05:15
deepening your emotional pain
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produbljuje emocionalnu bol
05:17
and complicating your recovery.
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i otežava vaš oporavak.
05:20
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.
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Liječenje slomljenog srca nije putovanje.
05:23
It's a fight, and your reason
is your strongest weapon.
is your strongest weapon.
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To je borba, a vaš razum
je vaše najjače oružje.
je vaše najjače oružje.
05:27
There is no breakup explanation
that's going to feel satisfying.
that's going to feel satisfying.
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Nijedan razlog prekida veze
neće biti dovoljno dobar.
neće biti dovoljno dobar.
05:31
No rationale can take away
the pain you feel.
the pain you feel.
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Nikakva logika neće
ublažiti bol koju osjećate.
ublažiti bol koju osjećate.
05:34
So don't search for one,
don't wait for one,
don't wait for one,
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Nemojte ju tražiti, nemojte
čekati da se pojavi,
čekati da se pojavi,
05:37
just accept the one you were offered
or make up one yourself
or make up one yourself
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prihvatite ono koje ste dobili
ili izmislite neko objašnjenje
ili izmislite neko objašnjenje
05:40
and then put the question to rest,
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i završite sa svime time
05:42
because you need that closure
to resist the addiction.
to resist the addiction.
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jer vam treba taj zaključak
kako biste se oduprli ovisnosti.
kako biste se oduprli ovisnosti.
05:46
And you need something else as well:
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Trebate i još nešto:
05:50
you have to be willing to let go,
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morate biti spremni pomiriti se s time,
05:53
to accept that it's over.
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prihvatiti da je gotovo.
05:56
Otherwise, your mind
will feed on your hope
will feed on your hope
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Inače će ta nada samo poticati vaš um
05:58
and set you back.
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i vraćati vas natrag.
06:01
Hope can be incredibly destructive
when your heart is broken.
when your heart is broken.
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Nada može biti jako pogubna
kada vam je srce slomljeno.
kada vam je srce slomljeno.
06:07
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
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Slomljeno srce je veliki manipulator.
06:10
The ease with which it gets our mind
to do the absolute opposite
to do the absolute opposite
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Lakoća kojom nas tjera da radimo suprotno
06:13
of what we need in order to recover
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od onoga što je potrebno da se oporavimo
06:16
is remarkable.
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je nevjerojatna.
06:17
One of the most common tendencies
we have when our heart is broken
we have when our heart is broken
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Jedna od najčešćih stvari koju
radimo kada nam je srce slomljeno
radimo kada nam je srce slomljeno
06:21
is to idealize the person who broke it.
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je ta da idealiziramo
osobu koja ga je slomila.
osobu koja ga je slomila.
06:24
We spend hours remembering their smile,
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Provodimo sate prisjećajući
se njihovog osmijeha,
se njihovog osmijeha,
06:27
how great they made us feel,
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kako smo se dobro osjećali pokraj njih,
06:29
that time we hiked up the mountain
and made love under the stars.
and made love under the stars.
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kada smo planinarili i vodili
ljubav pod zvijezdama.
ljubav pod zvijezdama.
06:34
All that does is make our loss
feel more painful.
feel more painful.
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Sve to samo pogoršava bol gubitka.
06:38
We know that.
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Znamo to.
06:40
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle
through one greatest hit after another,
through one greatest hit after another,
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I svejedno dopuštamo umu da vrti
naše najbolje hitove jedan za drugim
naše najbolje hitove jedan za drugim
06:45
like we were being held hostage by our own
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
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kao da smo taoci našeg vlastitog
pasivno-agresivnog popisa glazbe.
pasivno-agresivnog popisa glazbe.
06:49
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
06:54
Heartbreak will make those thoughts
pop into your mind.
pop into your mind.
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Slomljeno srce slati će
takve misli u vaš um.
takve misli u vaš um.
06:57
And so to avoid idealizing,
you have to balance them out
you have to balance them out
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Kako bi izbjegli idealiziranje,
morate unijeti ravnotežu
morate unijeti ravnotežu
07:00
by remembering their frown,
not just their smile,
not just their smile,
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prisjećanjem i njihovog
mrštenja, ne samo osmijeha,
mrštenja, ne samo osmijeha,
07:04
how bad they made you feel,
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kako ste se zbog njih loše osjećali,
07:06
the fact that after the lovemaking,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
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kada ste se nakon vođenja ljubavi
izgubili kada ste silazili s planine,
izgubili kada ste silazili s planine,
07:10
argued like crazy
and didn't speak for two days.
and didn't speak for two days.
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svađali se kao ludi i niste
razgovarali dva dana.
razgovarali dva dana.
07:14
What I tell my patients
is to compile an exhaustive list
is to compile an exhaustive list
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Kažem svojim pacijentima
da naprave detaljan popis
da naprave detaljan popis
07:18
of all the ways
the person was wrong for you,
the person was wrong for you,
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svih situacija kada vas
je ta osoba povrijedila,
je ta osoba povrijedila,
07:21
all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,
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svih loših osobina i iritantnih navika
07:23
and then keep it on your phone.
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te da taj popis imaju na svom mobitelu.
07:25
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:27
And once you have your list,
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I kada imate taj popis,
07:29
you have to use it.
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morate ga koristiti.
07:30
When I hear even a hint of idealizing
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Kada primijetim da dolazi do idealiziranja
07:33
or the faintest whiff
of nostalgia in a session,
of nostalgia in a session,
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ili najmanjeg osjećaja
nostalgije tijekom terapije,
nostalgije tijekom terapije,
07:36
I go, "Phone, please."
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kažem, "Mobitel, molim."
07:38
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:41
Your mind will try to tell you
they were perfect.
they were perfect.
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Vaš um pokušat će vam reći
da je osoba bila savršena.
da je osoba bila savršena.
07:43
But they were not,
and neither was the relationship.
and neither was the relationship.
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No nije bila, a ni veza
nije bila savršena.
nije bila savršena.
07:46
And if you want to get over them,
you have to remind yourself of that,
you have to remind yourself of that,
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Ako je želite preboljeti,
morate se toga prisjetiti,
morate se toga prisjetiti,
07:50
frequently.
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često.
07:52
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
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Nitko od nas nije imun na slomljeno srce.
07:55
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old
senior executive in a software company.
senior executive in a software company.
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Moj pacijent Miguel bio je 56-ogodišnji
direktor u softverskoj tvrtci.
direktor u softverskoj tvrtci.
08:01
Five years after his wife died,
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Pet godina nakon što mu je žena umrla,
08:03
he finally felt ready
to start dating again.
to start dating again.
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ponovno je bio spreman početi izlaziti.
08:06
He soon met Sharon,
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Uskoro je upoznao Sharon,
08:07
and a whirlwind romance ensued.
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i uslijedila je burna romansa.
08:10
They introduced each other
to their adult children after one month,
to their adult children after one month,
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Nakon mjesec dana upoznali
su djecu svog partnera,
su djecu svog partnera,
08:13
and they moved in together after two.
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a počeli su živjeti skupa nakon 2 mjeseca.
08:16
When middle-aged people date,
they don't mess around.
they don't mess around.
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Kada srednjovječni ljudi
izlaze, shvaćaju to ozbiljno.
izlaze, shvaćaju to ozbiljno.
08:20
It's like "Love, Actually"
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
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Kao spoj filmova "Zapravo
ljubav" i "Brzi i žestoki".
ljubav" i "Brzi i žestoki".
08:23
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
08:26
Miguel was happier
than he had been in years.
than he had been in years.
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Miguel godinama nije bio toliko sretan.
08:29
But the night before
their first anniversary,
their first anniversary,
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No noć prije njihove prve godišnjice,
08:32
Sharon left him.
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Sharon ga je ostavila.
08:34
She had decided to move to the West Coast
to be closer to her children,
to be closer to her children,
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Odlučila se preseliti na Zapadnu
obalu kako bi bila bliže svojoj djeci
obalu kako bi bila bliže svojoj djeci
08:38
and she didn't want
a long-distance relationship.
a long-distance relationship.
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i nije htjela vezu na daljinu.
08:41
Miguel was totally blindsided
and utterly devastated.
and utterly devastated.
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Miguel je bio potpuno iznenađen i shrvan.
08:46
He barely functioned at work
for many, many months,
for many, many months,
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Mjesecima je jedva obavljao svoj posao
08:49
and he almost lost his job as a result.
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i zbog toga skoro izgubio posao.
08:52
Another consequence of heartbreak
is that feeling alone and in pain
is that feeling alone and in pain
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Još jedna posljedica slomljenog srca
je što osjećaj boli i usamljenosti
je što osjećaj boli i usamljenosti
08:56
can significantly impair
our intellectual functioning,
our intellectual functioning,
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može značajno pokvariti naše
intelektualno funkcioniranje,
intelektualno funkcioniranje,
08:59
especially when performing complex tasks
involving logic and reasoning.
involving logic and reasoning.
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pogotovo kada obavljamo teške zadatke
koji zahtijevaju logiku i razmišljanje.
koji zahtijevaju logiku i razmišljanje.
09:04
It temporarily lowers our IQ.
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Privremeno smanji naš IQ.
09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity
of Miguel's grief
of Miguel's grief
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No nije samo jačina Miguelove tuge
09:11
that confused his employers;
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zbunila njegove poslodavce,
09:13
it was the duration.
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već i razdoblje trajanja.
09:15
Miguel was confused by this as well
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Miguel je isto bio zbunjen
09:18
and really quite embarrassed by it.
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i dosta posramljen zbog toga.
09:20
"What's wrong with me?"
he asked me in our session.
he asked me in our session.
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"Što ne valja sa mnom?",
pitao me tijekom terapije.
pitao me tijekom terapije.
09:23
"What adult spends almost a year
getting over a one-year relationship?"
getting over a one-year relationship?"
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"Kakva odrasla osoba treba skoro godinu
dana da preboli jednogodišnju vezu?"
dana da preboli jednogodišnju vezu?"
09:27
Actually, many do.
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Zapravo, mnogo njih.
09:31
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks
of traditional loss and grief:
of traditional loss and grief:
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Slomljeno srce ima iste značajke
kao i normalna tuga i gubitak:
kao i normalna tuga i gubitak:
09:36
insomnia, intrusive thoughts,
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nesanica, ometajuće misli,
09:38
immune system dysfunction.
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smanjeni imunitet.
09:40
Forty percent of people experience
clinically measurable depression.
clinically measurable depression.
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Četrdeset posto ljudi pati od
klinički mjerljive depresije.
klinički mjerljive depresije.
09:45
Heartbreak is a complex
psychological injury.
psychological injury.
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Slomljeno srce teška
je psihološka ozlijeda.
je psihološka ozlijeda.
09:49
It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
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Na mnoge načine utječe na nas.
09:52
For example, Sharon was both very social
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Primjerice, Sharon je bila veoma društvena
09:55
and very active.
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i veoma aktivna.
09:56
She had dinners at the house every week.
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Svakog tjedna organizirala
bi večernje zabave.
bi večernje zabave.
09:59
She and Miguel went on camping trips
with other couples.
with other couples.
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Ona i Miguel išli su na
kampiranja s drugim parovima.
kampiranja s drugim parovima.
10:02
Although Miguel was not religious,
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Iako Miguel nije bio religiozan,
10:04
he accompanied Sharon
to church every Sunday,
to church every Sunday,
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išao je sa Sharon svake nedjelje u crkvu
10:06
where he was welcomed
into the congregation.
into the congregation.
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gdje ga je cijela zajednica prihvatila.
10:09
Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;
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Miguel nije samo izgubio svoju djevojku,
10:12
he lost his entire social life,
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izgubio je svoj društveni život,
10:15
the supportive community
of Sharon's church.
of Sharon's church.
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podršku zajednice u Sharoninoj crkvi.
10:17
He lost his identity as a couple.
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Izgubio je svoj identitet kao para.
10:20
Now, Miguel recognized the breakup
had left this huge void in his life,
had left this huge void in his life,
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Miguel je shvatio da je prekid ostavio
veliku prazninu u njegovom životu,
veliku prazninu u njegovom životu,
10:24
but what he failed to recognize
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ali nije shvatio da je ostavio
10:27
is that it left far more than just one.
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puno više od jedne praznine.
10:30
And that is crucial,
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I to je jako važno,
10:32
not just because it explains
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
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ne samo jer objašnjava zašto je
slomljeno srce tako pogubno,
slomljeno srce tako pogubno,
10:37
but because it tells us how to heal.
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nego zato jer vam kaže
kako da se oporavite.
kako da se oporavite.
10:40
To fix your broken heart,
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Kako biste izliječili slomljeno srce,
10:43
you have to identify these voids
in your life and fill them,
in your life and fill them,
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morate pronaći te praznine
u vašem životu i ispuniti ih
u vašem životu i ispuniti ih
10:46
and I mean all of them.
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i mislim na baš sve praznine.
10:48
The voids in your identity:
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Praznine u vašem identitetu:
10:50
you have to reestablish who you are
and what your life is about.
and what your life is about.
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morate ponovno odrediti
tko ste i što radite u životu.
tko ste i što radite u životu.
10:54
The voids in your social life,
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Praznine u vašem društvenom životu,
10:55
the missing activities,
even the empty spaces on the wall
even the empty spaces on the wall
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aktivnosti kojih više nema,
čak i prazan dio zida
čak i prazan dio zida
10:58
where pictures used to hang.
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gdje su prije visjele slike.
11:01
But none of that will do any good
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No ništa od toga vam neće pomoći
11:03
unless you prevent the mistakes
that can set you back,
that can set you back,
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ako ne spriječite pogreške
koje vas vraćaju unatrag,
koje vas vraćaju unatrag,
11:06
the unnecessary searches for explanations,
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bespotrebna potraga za objašnjenjima,
11:09
idealizing your ex instead of focusing
on how they were wrong for you,
on how they were wrong for you,
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idealiziranje bivšeg umjesto da se
sjetite koliko nisu bili dobri za vas,
sjetite koliko nisu bili dobri za vas,
11:13
indulging thoughts and behaviors
that still give them a starring role
that still give them a starring role
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misli i ponašanja koja
im daju glavnu ulogu
im daju glavnu ulogu
11:17
in this next chapter of your life
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u sljedećem poglavlju
vašeg života
vašeg života
11:19
when they shouldn't be an extra.
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kada ne bi trebali ni biti tamo.
11:22
Getting over heartbreak is hard,
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Preboljeti slomljeno srce je teško,
11:24
but if you refuse to be misled
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
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no ako ne dopustite svom umu da vas
omete i poduzmete korake prema oporavku,
omete i poduzmete korake prema oporavku,
11:29
you can significantly minimize
your suffering.
your suffering.
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možete značajno smanjiti svoju patnju.
11:32
And it won't just be you
who benefit from that.
who benefit from that.
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I nećete samo vi imati koristi od toga.
11:34
You'll be more present with your friends,
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Biti ćete pristupačniji
svojim prijateljima,
svojim prijateljima,
11:36
more engaged with your family,
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povezaniji s obitelji,
11:39
not to mention the billions of dollars
of compromised productivity
of compromised productivity
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da ne spominjemo štetu od milijardu
dolara na poslu zbog smanjene
dolara na poslu zbog smanjene
11:43
in the workplace that could be avoided.
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produktivnosti koja se može izbjeći.
11:46
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,
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Dakle, ako poznajete nekoga
sa slomljenim srcem,
sa slomljenim srcem,
11:49
have compassion,
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budite suosjećajni
11:50
because social support has been found
to be important for their recovery.
to be important for their recovery.
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jer pokazalo se da je podrška društva
veoma važna za njihov oporavak.
veoma važna za njihov oporavak.
11:55
And have patience,
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I budite strpljivi
11:57
because it's going to take them longer
to move on than you think it should.
to move on than you think it should.
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jer će im trebati duže da se
oporave nego što mislite.
oporave nego što mislite.
12:01
And if you're hurting,
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Ako vi patite,
12:03
know this:
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znajte ovo:
12:05
it's difficult, it is a battle
within your own mind,
within your own mind,
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teško je, to je borba koja
se vodi u vašem umu
se vodi u vašem umu
12:08
and you have to be diligent to win.
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i morate biti marljivi
kako biste pobijedili.
kako biste pobijedili.
12:10
But you do have weapons.
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No naoružani ste.
12:12
You can fight.
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Možete se boriti.
12:14
And you will heal.
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I oporavit ćete se.
12:16
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
12:17
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com