TED2017
Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
Gaj Vinč (Guy Winch): Kako da izlečite slomljeno srce
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U nekom trenutku u našem životu, skoro svako od nas će da ima slomljeno srce. Zamislite koliko bi sve bilo drugačije kada bismo više obratili pažnje na ovaj jedinstven emotivni bol. Psiholog Gaj Vinč otkriva kako oporavak od slomljenog srca počinje odlučnošću da se borimo protiv naših nagona da idealizujemo i da tragamo za odgovorima koji ne postoje - i nudi skup oruđa pomoću kojih vremenom možemo da nastavimo dalje. Naša srca mogu ponekad da se slome, ali ne moramo i mi da se slomimo s njima.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
At some point in our lives,
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U nekom trenutku u našim životima,
00:14
almost every one of us
will have our heart broken.
will have our heart broken.
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gotovo svakome od nas
će srce da bude slomljeno.
će srce da bude slomljeno.
00:18
My patient Kathy planned her wedding
when she was in middle school.
when she was in middle school.
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Moja pacijentkinja Keti je isplanirala
svoje venčanje još u osnovnoj školi.
svoje venčanje još u osnovnoj školi.
00:23
She would meet her future husband
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Upoznaće svog budućeg supruga
00:25
by age 27,
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do 27 godine,
00:26
get engaged a year later
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veriće se godinu kasnije
00:28
and get married a year after that.
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i udati godinu nakon toga.
00:31
But when Kathy turned 27,
she didn't find a husband.
she didn't find a husband.
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Međutim, kad je Keti napunila 27 godina
nije pronašla muža.
nije pronašla muža.
00:35
She found a lump in her breast.
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Pronašla je čvorić u dojci.
00:38
She went through many months
of harsh chemotherapy
of harsh chemotherapy
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Provela je mnogo meseci
na teškoj hemterapiji
na teškoj hemterapiji
00:41
and painful surgeries,
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i bolnim operacijama,
00:43
and then just as she was ready
to jump back into the dating world,
to jump back into the dating world,
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a onda, baš kad je bila spremna
da se ponovo baci u svet zabavljanja,
da se ponovo baci u svet zabavljanja,
00:47
she found a lump in her other breast
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pronašla je čvorić u drugoj dojci
00:50
and had to do it all over again.
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i morala je sve ispočetka.
00:53
Kathy recovered, though,
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Keti se ipak oporavila
00:54
and she was eager to resume
her search for a husband
her search for a husband
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i jedva je čekala da nastavi
potragu za mužem
potragu za mužem
00:57
as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
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čim su joj obrve ponovo izrasle.
01:00
When you're going
on first dates in New York City,
on first dates in New York City,
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Kada idete na prve sastanke u Njujorku,
01:02
you need to be able to express
a wide range of emotions.
a wide range of emotions.
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morate da budete u stanju
da izrazite širok spektar emocija.
da izrazite širok spektar emocija.
01:05
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:07
Soon afterwards,
she met Rich and fell in love.
she met Rich and fell in love.
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Ubrzo potom,
upoznala je Riča i zaljubila se.
upoznala je Riča i zaljubila se.
01:10
The relationship was everything
she hoped it would be.
she hoped it would be.
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Veza je bila sve čemu se nadala.
01:14
Six months later,
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Šest meseci kasnije,
01:15
after a lovely weekend in New England,
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nakon krasnog vikenda u Novoj Engleskoj,
01:18
Rich made reservations
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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Rič je rezervisao mesta u njihovom
omiljenom romantičnom restoranu.
omiljenom romantičnom restoranu.
01:22
Kathy knew he was going to propose,
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Keti je znala da će da je zaprosi
01:24
and she could barely
contain her excitement.
contain her excitement.
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i jedva je mogla da obuzda
svoje uzbuđenje.
svoje uzbuđenje.
01:28
But Rich did not propose
to Kathy that night.
to Kathy that night.
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Međutim, Rič to veče nije zaprosio Keti.
01:31
He broke up with her.
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Raskinuo je s njom.
01:33
As deeply as he cared
for Kathy -- and he did --
for Kathy -- and he did --
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Koliko god da mu je bilo stalo
do Keti - a zaista jeste -
do Keti - a zaista jeste -
01:36
he simply wasn't in love.
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prosto nije bio zaljubljen.
01:39
Kathy was shattered.
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Keti je bila skrhana.
01:41
Her heart was truly broken,
and she now faced yet another recovery.
and she now faced yet another recovery.
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Srce joj je bilo istinski slomljeno
i sada je bila suočena s novim oporavkom.
i sada je bila suočena s novim oporavkom.
01:46
But five months after the breakup,
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Međutim, pet meseci nakon raskida,
01:49
Kathy still couldn't stop
thinking about Rich.
thinking about Rich.
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Keti i dalje nije mogla
da prestane da misli na Riča.
da prestane da misli na Riča.
01:52
Her heart was still very much broken.
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Srce joj je i dalje bilo
itekako slomljeno.
itekako slomljeno.
01:56
The question is:
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Pitanje glasi:
01:57
Why?
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zašto?
01:59
Why was this incredibly strong
and determined woman
and determined woman
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Zašto ova neverovatno jaka i odlučna žena
02:03
unable to marshal the same
emotional resources
emotional resources
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nije bila u stanju da prikupi
iste emotivne resurse
iste emotivne resurse
02:06
that got her through four years
of cancer treatments?
of cancer treatments?
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koji su joj pomogli da prođe
kroz četiri godine tretmana raka?
kroz četiri godine tretmana raka?
02:10
Why do so many of us flounder
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Zašto se mnogi od nas batrgaju
02:12
when we're trying
to recover from heartbreak?
to recover from heartbreak?
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kada pokušavamo
da se oporavimo od slomljenog srca?
da se oporavimo od slomljenog srca?
02:16
Why do the same coping mechanisms
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Zašto nas isti mehanizmi borbe
02:18
that get us through all kinds
of life challenges
of life challenges
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zbog kojih savlađujemo
razne vrste životnih izazova
razne vrste životnih izazova
02:21
fail us so miserably
when our heart gets broken?
when our heart gets broken?
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tako bedno ostave na cedilu
kada nam se slomi srce?
kada nam se slomi srce?
02:25
In over 20 years of private practice,
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Tokom preko 20 godina privatne prakse,
02:28
I have seen people
of every age and background
of every age and background
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video sam ljude
raznih starosnih dobi i porekla
raznih starosnih dobi i porekla
02:31
face every manner of heartbreak,
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kako se suočavaju sa svim vidovima raskida
02:33
and what I've learned is this:
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a naučio sam sledeće:
02:36
when your heart is broken,
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kada vam je slomljeno srce,
02:39
the same instincts you ordinarily rely on
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oni instinkti na koje se obično oslanjate
02:42
will time and again lead you
down the wrong path.
down the wrong path.
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će vas iznova voditi stranputicom.
02:46
You simply cannot trust
what your mind is telling you.
what your mind is telling you.
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Prosto ne možete da verujete
onome što vam mozak govori.
onome što vam mozak govori.
Na primer, znamo iz istraživanja
o ljudima sa slomljenim srcem
o ljudima sa slomljenim srcem
02:51
For example, we know from studies
of heartbroken people
of heartbroken people
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02:54
that having a clear understanding
of why the relationship ended
of why the relationship ended
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da je jasno razumevanje
toga zašto je veza okončana
toga zašto je veza okončana
02:57
is really important
for our ability to move on.
for our ability to move on.
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veoma važno za našu sposobnost
da idemo dalje.
da idemo dalje.
03:01
Yet time and again,
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Ipak, iznova i iznova
03:03
when we are offered a simple
and honest explanation
and honest explanation
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kada nam pruže prosto
i iskreno objašnjenje,
i iskreno objašnjenje,
03:06
like the one Rich offered Kathy,
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poput onog koje je Rič pružio Keti,
03:08
we reject it.
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odbacujemo ga.
03:10
Heartbreak creates
such dramatic emotional pain,
such dramatic emotional pain,
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Slomljeno srce stvara
tako dramatičan emotivni bol
tako dramatičan emotivni bol
03:14
our mind tells us the cause
must be equally dramatic.
must be equally dramatic.
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da nam mozak govori kako uzrok
mora da bude jednako dramatičan.
mora da bude jednako dramatičan.
03:18
And that gut instinct is so powerful,
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A taj telesni instinkt je toliko snažan
03:21
it can make even the most reasonable
and measured of us
and measured of us
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da može čak i najrazumnije
i najuravnoteženije od nas da navede
i najuravnoteženije od nas da navede
03:24
come up with mysteries
and conspiracy theories
and conspiracy theories
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da smišljamo misterije i teorije zavere
03:28
where none exist.
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tamo gde ih uopšte nema.
03:30
Kathy became convinced
something must have happened
something must have happened
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Keti je postala ubeđena
da mora da se nešto dogodilo
da mora da se nešto dogodilo
03:32
during her romantic getaway with Rich
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tokom njenog romantičnog izleta sa Ričom
03:34
that soured him on the relationship,
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zbog čega mu se smučila veza,
03:36
and she became obsessed
with figuring out what that was.
with figuring out what that was.
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te je postala opsednuta
time da sazna šta je to bilo.
time da sazna šta je to bilo.
03:40
And so she spent countless hours
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Pa je provodila bezbrojne sate
03:42
going through every minute
of that weekend in her mind,
of that weekend in her mind,
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prolazeći u svom umu
kroz svaki minut tog vikenda,
kroz svaki minut tog vikenda,
03:45
searching her memory for clues
that were not there.
that were not there.
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pretražujući po sećanju
tragove kojih nije bilo.
tragove kojih nije bilo.
03:50
Kathy's mind tricked her
into initiating this wild goose chase.
into initiating this wild goose chase.
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Ketin um je obmanuo
da pokrene ovaj sumanuti lov na veštice.
da pokrene ovaj sumanuti lov na veštice.
03:54
But what compelled her to commit to it
for so many months?
for so many months?
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Međutim, šta je navodilo
da se posveti tome toliko meseci?
da se posveti tome toliko meseci?
03:59
Heartbreak is far more insidious
than we realize.
than we realize.
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Slomljeno srce je daleko podmuklije
nego što smo svesni toga.
nego što smo svesni toga.
04:03
There is a reason we keep going
down one rabbit hole after another,
down one rabbit hole after another,
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Postoji razlog zašto nastavljamo
da se spuštamo kroz zečje rupe
da se spuštamo kroz zečje rupe
04:08
even when we know it's going
to make us feel worse.
to make us feel worse.
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čak i kad znamo
da ćemo se zbog toga osećati gore.
da ćemo se zbog toga osećati gore.
04:11
Brain studies have shown
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Izučavanja mozga su pokazala
04:13
that the withdrawal of romantic love
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da apstinencija od romantične ljubavi
04:15
activates the same mechanisms
in our brain that get activated
in our brain that get activated
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pokreće iste mehanizme
u našem mozgu koji se aktiviraju
u našem mozgu koji se aktiviraju
04:19
when addicts are withdrawing
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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kada zavisnici apstiniraju
od supstanci, poput kokaina ili opijata.
od supstanci, poput kokaina ili opijata.
04:25
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
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Keti je krizirala.
04:27
And since she could not have
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
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A kako nije mogla da ima heroin
tj. da zapravo bude sa Ričom,
tj. da zapravo bude sa Ričom,
04:31
her unconscious mind chose
the methadone of her memories with him.
the methadone of her memories with him.
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njen nesvesni um je izabrao
metadon tj. njena sećanja s njim.
metadon tj. njena sećanja s njim.
04:37
Her instincts told her
she was trying to solve a mystery,
she was trying to solve a mystery,
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Njeni instinkti su joj govorili
da pokušava da reši misteriju,
da pokušava da reši misteriju,
04:40
but what she was actually doing
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međutim, ona je zapravo
04:41
was getting her fix.
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tako dobijala svoju dozu.
04:45
This is what makes heartbreak
so difficult to heal.
so difficult to heal.
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Zbog toga je tako teško
izlečiti slomljeno srce.
izlečiti slomljeno srce.
04:49
Addicts know they're addicted.
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Zavisnici znaju da su zavisni.
04:51
They know when they're shooting up.
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Znaju kada se drogiraju.
04:53
But heartbroken people do not.
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Međutim, ljudi slomljenog srca ne znaju.
04:56
But you do now.
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Međutim, sada znate.
04:58
And if your heart is broken,
you cannot ignore that.
you cannot ignore that.
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A ako vam je slomljeno srce
ne možete to da ignorišete.
ne možete to da ignorišete.
05:02
You have to recognize that,
as compelling as the urge is,
as compelling as the urge is,
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Morate da prepoznate
da koliko god da je neodoljiv nagon,
da koliko god da je neodoljiv nagon,
05:06
with every trip down memory lane,
every text you send,
every text you send,
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svakim pohodom niz aleju sećanja,
svakom porukom koju pošaljete,
svakom porukom koju pošaljete,
05:09
every second you spend
stalking your ex on social media,
stalking your ex on social media,
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svaki sekund koji potrošite uhodeći
vaše bivše na društvenim mrežama,
vaše bivše na društvenim mrežama,
05:13
you are just feeding your addiction,
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samo hranite vašu zavisnost,
05:15
deepening your emotional pain
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produbljujete emotivni bol
05:17
and complicating your recovery.
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i komplikujete sopstveni oporavak.
05:20
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.
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Savlađivanje slomljenog
srca nije putovanje.
srca nije putovanje.
05:23
It's a fight, and your reason
is your strongest weapon.
is your strongest weapon.
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Radi se o bici, a vaš razum
je vaše najjače oružje.
je vaše najjače oružje.
05:27
There is no breakup explanation
that's going to feel satisfying.
that's going to feel satisfying.
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Ne postoji objašnjenje za raskid
koje će se činiti zadovoljavajućim.
koje će se činiti zadovoljavajućim.
05:31
No rationale can take away
the pain you feel.
the pain you feel.
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Nikakva racionalizacija
ne može da ukloni bol koji osećate.
ne može da ukloni bol koji osećate.
05:34
So don't search for one,
don't wait for one,
don't wait for one,
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Zato ne tragajte za njom, ne očekujte je,
prosto prihvatite onu koja vam je ponuđena
ili sami za sebe izmislite neku
ili sami za sebe izmislite neku
05:37
just accept the one you were offered
or make up one yourself
or make up one yourself
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05:40
and then put the question to rest,
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a potom ostavite pitanje na počinak
05:42
because you need that closure
to resist the addiction.
to resist the addiction.
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jer vam je potreban zaključak
kako biste odoleli zavisnosti.
kako biste odoleli zavisnosti.
05:46
And you need something else as well:
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A potrebno vam je i još nešto:
05:50
you have to be willing to let go,
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morate da budete spremni da zaboravite,
05:53
to accept that it's over.
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da prihvatite da je gotovo.
05:56
Otherwise, your mind
will feed on your hope
will feed on your hope
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U suprotnom, mozak će se hraniti nadom
05:58
and set you back.
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i vratiće vas unazad.
06:01
Hope can be incredibly destructive
when your heart is broken.
when your heart is broken.
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Nada može da bude neverovatno
destruktivna kad vam je srce slomljeno.
destruktivna kad vam je srce slomljeno.
06:07
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
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Slomljeno srce je majstor manipulacije.
06:10
The ease with which it gets our mind
to do the absolute opposite
to do the absolute opposite
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Lakoća kojom postiže da naš um
uradi baš suprotno
uradi baš suprotno
od onoga što nam je potrebno
da bismo se oporavili
da bismo se oporavili
06:13
of what we need in order to recover
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06:16
is remarkable.
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je izvanredna.
06:17
One of the most common tendencies
we have when our heart is broken
we have when our heart is broken
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Jedna od najuobičajenijih sklonosti
koju imamo kad nam je srce slomljeno
koju imamo kad nam je srce slomljeno
06:21
is to idealize the person who broke it.
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je da idealizujemo
osobu koja ga je slomila.
osobu koja ga je slomila.
06:24
We spend hours remembering their smile,
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Provodimo sate sećajući se njenog osmeha,
06:27
how great they made us feel,
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kako smo se divno zbog nje osećali,
06:29
that time we hiked up the mountain
and made love under the stars.
and made love under the stars.
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onog puta kada smo se popeli na planinu
i vodili ljubav pod zvezdama.
i vodili ljubav pod zvezdama.
06:34
All that does is make our loss
feel more painful.
feel more painful.
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Sve što se time postiže
je da naš gubitak bude još bolniji.
je da naš gubitak bude još bolniji.
06:38
We know that.
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Svesni smo toga.
06:40
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle
through one greatest hit after another,
through one greatest hit after another,
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Ipak dozvoljavamo našem umu
da vrti najveće hitove jedan za drugim,
da vrti najveće hitove jedan za drugim,
06:45
like we were being held hostage by our own
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
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kao da smo taoci sopstvene
pasivno-agresivne Spotifaj liste.
pasivno-agresivne Spotifaj liste.
06:49
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:54
Heartbreak will make those thoughts
pop into your mind.
pop into your mind.
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Zbog slomljenog srca
te misli će da vam iskrsavaju u umu.
te misli će da vam iskrsavaju u umu.
06:57
And so to avoid idealizing,
you have to balance them out
you have to balance them out
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Pa, kako biste izbegli idealizovanje,
morate da ih uravnotežite
morate da ih uravnotežite
07:00
by remembering their frown,
not just their smile,
not just their smile,
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sećajući se njenog mrštenja,
ne samo njenog osmeha,
ne samo njenog osmeha,
07:04
how bad they made you feel,
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koliko ste se loše zbog nje osećali,
07:06
the fact that after the lovemaking,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
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činjenice da ste nakon vođenja ljubavi,
zalutali spuštajući se niz planinu,
zalutali spuštajući se niz planinu,
07:10
argued like crazy
and didn't speak for two days.
and didn't speak for two days.
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da ste se prepirali kao ludi
i niste razgovarali dva dana.
i niste razgovarali dva dana.
07:14
What I tell my patients
is to compile an exhaustive list
is to compile an exhaustive list
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Svojim pacijentima govorim
da sastave iscrpnu listu
da sastave iscrpnu listu
svih načina na koje je ta osoba
bila pogrešna za vas,
bila pogrešna za vas,
07:18
of all the ways
the person was wrong for you,
the person was wrong for you,
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07:21
all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,
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svih loših kvaliteta, svih sitnih mana
07:23
and then keep it on your phone.
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i da to potom drže u telefonu.
07:25
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:27
And once you have your list,
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I čim sastavite listu,
07:29
you have to use it.
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morate da je koristite.
07:30
When I hear even a hint of idealizing
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Kada čujem ma nagoveštaj idealizovanja
07:33
or the faintest whiff
of nostalgia in a session,
of nostalgia in a session,
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ili nagoveštaj daška
nostalgije tokom seansi,
nostalgije tokom seansi,
07:36
I go, "Phone, please."
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kažem: "Telefon, molim."
07:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:41
Your mind will try to tell you
they were perfect.
they were perfect.
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Vaš um će pokušati da vam kaže
da je bila savršena.
da je bila savršena.
07:43
But they were not,
and neither was the relationship.
and neither was the relationship.
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Međutim, nije, niti je veza to bila.
07:46
And if you want to get over them,
you have to remind yourself of that,
you have to remind yourself of that,
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A ako želite da je zaboravite,
morate da se podsećate na to,
morate da se podsećate na to,
07:50
frequently.
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često.
07:52
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
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Niko od nas nije imun na slomljeno srce.
07:55
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old
senior executive in a software company.
senior executive in a software company.
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Moj pacijent Migel je imao 56 godina,
stariji je direktor u softverskoj firmi.
stariji je direktor u softverskoj firmi.
08:01
Five years after his wife died,
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Pet godina nakon što mu je supruga umrla,
08:03
he finally felt ready
to start dating again.
to start dating again.
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konačno je osetio da je spreman
da se ponovo zabavlja.
da se ponovo zabavlja.
08:06
He soon met Sharon,
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Uskoro je upoznao Šeron,
08:07
and a whirlwind romance ensued.
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i usledila je uzbudljiva romansa.
08:10
They introduced each other
to their adult children after one month,
to their adult children after one month,
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Nakon mesec dana, upoznali su jedno drugo
sa njihovom odraslom decom,
sa njihovom odraslom decom,
08:13
and they moved in together after two.
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a nakon dva meseca
su počeli zajedno da žive.
su počeli zajedno da žive.
08:16
When middle-aged people date,
they don't mess around.
they don't mess around.
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Kada se sredovečni ljudi zabavljaju,
oni ne dangube.
oni ne dangube.
08:20
It's like "Love, Actually"
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
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To je kao kad bi se "Ljubav, zapravo"
ukrstila sa "Brzim i žestokim".
ukrstila sa "Brzim i žestokim".
08:23
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:26
Miguel was happier
than he had been in years.
than he had been in years.
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Migel je bio srećan
kako godinama nije bio.
kako godinama nije bio.
08:29
But the night before
their first anniversary,
their first anniversary,
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Međutim, noć uoči njihove prve godišnjice,
08:32
Sharon left him.
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Šeron ga je ostavila.
08:34
She had decided to move to the West Coast
to be closer to her children,
to be closer to her children,
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Odlučila je da se preseli na Zapadnu obalu
kako bi bila bliže deci,
kako bi bila bliže deci,
08:38
and she didn't want
a long-distance relationship.
a long-distance relationship.
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a nije želela vezu na daljinu.
08:41
Miguel was totally blindsided
and utterly devastated.
and utterly devastated.
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Migel je bio u potpunosti zatečen
i krajnje razoren.
i krajnje razoren.
08:46
He barely functioned at work
for many, many months,
for many, many months,
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Jedva da je mogao da funkcioniše
na poslu mnogo, mnogo meseci,
na poslu mnogo, mnogo meseci,
08:49
and he almost lost his job as a result.
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i kao posledica toga
umalo je ostao bez posla.
umalo je ostao bez posla.
08:52
Another consequence of heartbreak
is that feeling alone and in pain
is that feeling alone and in pain
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Još jedna posledica slomljenog srca
je što osećanje usamljenosti i bola
je što osećanje usamljenosti i bola
08:56
can significantly impair
our intellectual functioning,
our intellectual functioning,
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može značajno da ugrozi
naše intelektualno funkcionisanje,
naše intelektualno funkcionisanje,
08:59
especially when performing complex tasks
involving logic and reasoning.
involving logic and reasoning.
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naročito tokom izvođenja složenih zadataka
koji uključuju logiku i rasuđivanje.
koji uključuju logiku i rasuđivanje.
09:04
It temporarily lowers our IQ.
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Privremeno nam umanjuje
količnik inteligencije.
količnik inteligencije.
09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity
of Miguel's grief
of Miguel's grief
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Međutim, nije samo intezitet
Migelove patnje
Migelove patnje
09:11
that confused his employers;
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zbunjivao njegove poslodavce;
09:13
it was the duration.
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radilo se o trajanju.
09:15
Miguel was confused by this as well
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Migel je i sam bio zbunjen ovim,
09:18
and really quite embarrassed by it.
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i zaista prilično posramljen zbog toga.
"Šta nije u redu sa mnom?"
upitao me tokom naše seanse.
upitao me tokom naše seanse.
09:20
"What's wrong with me?"
he asked me in our session.
he asked me in our session.
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"Kakva to odrasla osoba
potroši skoro godinu
potroši skoro godinu
09:23
"What adult spends almost a year
getting over a one-year relationship?"
getting over a one-year relationship?"
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na prevazilaženje jednogodišnje veze?"
09:27
Actually, many do.
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Zapravo, kod mnogih je tako.
09:31
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks
of traditional loss and grief:
of traditional loss and grief:
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Slomljeno srce sadrži sve oznake
tradicionalnog gubitka i bola:
tradicionalnog gubitka i bola:
09:36
insomnia, intrusive thoughts,
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nesanica, nametljive misli,
09:38
immune system dysfunction.
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disfunkcija imunog sistema.
09:40
Forty percent of people experience
clinically measurable depression.
clinically measurable depression.
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Četrdeset procenata ljudi doživljava
klinički izmerljivu depresiju.
klinički izmerljivu depresiju.
09:45
Heartbreak is a complex
psychological injury.
psychological injury.
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Slomljeno srce je složena
psihološka povreda.
psihološka povreda.
09:49
It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
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Utiče na nas na gomilu načina.
09:52
For example, Sharon was both very social
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Na primer, Šeron je bila i veoma društvena
09:55
and very active.
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i veoma aktivna.
09:56
She had dinners at the house every week.
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Organizovala je večere
kod kuće svakog vikenda.
kod kuće svakog vikenda.
09:59
She and Miguel went on camping trips
with other couples.
with other couples.
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Ona i Migel su išli na kampovanja
sa drugim parovima.
sa drugim parovima.
10:02
Although Miguel was not religious,
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Iako Migel nije bio religiozan,
10:04
he accompanied Sharon
to church every Sunday,
to church every Sunday,
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pratio je Šeron u crkvu svake nedelje,
10:06
where he was welcomed
into the congregation.
into the congregation.
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gde je prihvaćen od strane pastve.
10:09
Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;
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Migel nije samo izgubio devojku;
10:12
he lost his entire social life,
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izgubio je celokupan društveni život,
10:15
the supportive community
of Sharon's church.
of Sharon's church.
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podršku zajednice iz Šeronine crkve.
10:17
He lost his identity as a couple.
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Izgubio je identitet sebe kao para.
10:20
Now, Miguel recognized the breakup
had left this huge void in his life,
had left this huge void in his life,
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Sad, Migel je spoznao da je raskid ostavio
ogromnu prazninu u njegovom životu,
ogromnu prazninu u njegovom životu,
10:24
but what he failed to recognize
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međutim nije uspeo da spozna
10:27
is that it left far more than just one.
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da je ostavio mnogo više od jedne.
10:30
And that is crucial,
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A to je krucijalno,
10:32
not just because it explains
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
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ne samo jer objašnjava zašto
slomljeno srce može da bude tako razorno,
slomljeno srce može da bude tako razorno,
10:37
but because it tells us how to heal.
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već zato što nam saopštava
kako da ozdravimo.
kako da ozdravimo.
10:40
To fix your broken heart,
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Da biste izlečili slomljeno srce,
10:43
you have to identify these voids
in your life and fill them,
in your life and fill them,
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morate da prepoznate praznine
u svom životu i da ih popunite,
u svom životu i da ih popunite,
10:46
and I mean all of them.
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i mislim na sve njih.
10:48
The voids in your identity:
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Praznine u vašem identitetu:
10:50
you have to reestablish who you are
and what your life is about.
and what your life is about.
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morate nanovo da utvrdite ko ste
i šta vam je važno u životu.
i šta vam je važno u životu.
10:54
The voids in your social life,
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Praznine u vašem društvenom životu,
10:55
the missing activities,
even the empty spaces on the wall
even the empty spaces on the wall
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propuštene aktivnosti,
čak i prazan prostor na zidu
čak i prazan prostor na zidu
10:58
where pictures used to hang.
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gde su nekad visile slike.
11:01
But none of that will do any good
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Međutim, ništa od toga neće vredeti
11:03
unless you prevent the mistakes
that can set you back,
that can set you back,
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ukoliko ne sprečite greške
koje vas mogu vratit unazad,
koje vas mogu vratit unazad,
11:06
the unnecessary searches for explanations,
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bespotrebna traganja za objašnjenjima,
11:09
idealizing your ex instead of focusing
on how they were wrong for you,
on how they were wrong for you,
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idealizacija bivših, umesto fokusiranja
na to koliko su bili pogrešni za vas,
na to koliko su bili pogrešni za vas,
11:13
indulging thoughts and behaviors
that still give them a starring role
that still give them a starring role
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prepuštanje mislima i ponašanjima
koja im i dalje daju glavnu ulogu
koja im i dalje daju glavnu ulogu
11:17
in this next chapter of your life
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u vašem sledećem poglavlju života
11:19
when they shouldn't be an extra.
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u kom bi trebalo da budu statisti.
11:22
Getting over heartbreak is hard,
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Prevazilaženje slomljenog srca je teško,
11:24
but if you refuse to be misled
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
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no ako odbijete da vas vaš um obmanjuje
i preduzmete korake ka iscelenju,
i preduzmete korake ka iscelenju,
11:29
you can significantly minimize
your suffering.
your suffering.
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možete značajno da umanjite patnju.
11:32
And it won't just be you
who benefit from that.
who benefit from that.
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I nećete samo vi imati korist od toga.
11:34
You'll be more present with your friends,
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Bićete dostupniji vašim prijateljima,
11:36
more engaged with your family,
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angažovaniji sa porodicom,
11:39
not to mention the billions of dollars
of compromised productivity
of compromised productivity
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da ne pominjemo milijarde dolara
kompromitovane produktivnosti
kompromitovane produktivnosti
11:43
in the workplace that could be avoided.
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na radnom mestu, koja može da se izbegne.
11:46
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,
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Pa, ako znate nekoga
čije je srce slomljeno,
čije je srce slomljeno,
11:49
have compassion,
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imajte samilosti,
11:50
because social support has been found
to be important for their recovery.
to be important for their recovery.
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jer je otkriveno da je društvena podrška
važna za njihov oporavak.
važna za njihov oporavak.
11:55
And have patience,
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I imajte strpljenja
11:57
because it's going to take them longer
to move on than you think it should.
to move on than you think it should.
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jer će im trebati duže da nastave
nego što vi mislite da hoće.
nego što vi mislite da hoće.
12:01
And if you're hurting,
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A ako vi patite,
12:03
know this:
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znajte sledeće:
12:05
it's difficult, it is a battle
within your own mind,
within your own mind,
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teško je, radi se o bici
unutar vašeg sopstvenog uma,
unutar vašeg sopstvenog uma,
12:08
and you have to be diligent to win.
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i morate da budete
istrajni da biste pobedili.
istrajni da biste pobedili.
12:10
But you do have weapons.
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Međutim, imate oružja.
12:12
You can fight.
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Možete da se borite.
12:14
And you will heal.
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I zacelićete.
12:16
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
12:17
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com