TED2012
Brené Brown: Listening to shame
Brene Braun (Brené Brown): Osluškivanje stida
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Stid je epidemija o kojoj se ne govori, tajna koja stoji iza različitih oblika poremećaja u ponašanju. Brene Braun, čiji je raniji govor o ranjivosti postao hit na internetu, istražuje šta se može dogoditi kada se ljudi direktno suoče sa svojim stidom. Njen humor, ljudskost i ranjivost isijavaju iz svake reči.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I'm going to tell you a little bit
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Pričaću vam malo o svom
TEDx govoru iz Hjustona.
TEDx govoru iz Hjustona.
00:18
about my TEDxHouston Talk.
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00:20
I woke up the morning after I gave that Talk
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Jutro posle govora, probudila sam se
00:24
with the worst vulnerability hangover
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sa najvećim mamurlukom ranjivosti
u svom životu.
u svom životu.
00:27
of my life.
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00:29
And I actually didn't leave my house
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U stvari, nisam izlazila iz kuće
neka tri dana.
neka tri dana.
00:32
for about three days.
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00:34
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.
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Prvi put sam izašla da
se nađem s prijateljicom na ručku.
se nađem s prijateljicom na ručku.
00:38
And when I walked in, she was already at the table.
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Kad sam ušla, ona je već bila za stolom.
00:40
And I sat down, and she said,
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Sela sam, a ona je rekla:
"Bože, grozno izgledaš."
"Bože, grozno izgledaš."
00:42
"God, you look like hell."
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00:44
I said, "Thanks. I feel really --
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Rekoh: "Hvala. Osećam se stvarno...
00:46
I'm not functioning."
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ne funkcionišem."
00:49
And she said, "What's going on?"
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A ona će: "Šta se dešava?"
00:51
And I said, "I just told
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Rekoh: "Upravo sam pred 500 ljudi rekla
00:53
500 people
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00:56
that I became a researcher
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da sam postala istraživač
da bih izbegla ranjivost.
da bih izbegla ranjivost.
00:58
to avoid vulnerability.
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01:00
And that when being vulnerable
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I kada je moje istraživanje pokazalo
da je ranjivost
da je ranjivost
01:02
emerged from my data,
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01:04
as absolutely essential
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apsolutno neophodna da bi
se živelo punim plućima,
se živelo punim plućima,
01:07
to whole-hearted living,
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01:09
I told these 500 people
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rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi,
da sam doživela nervni slom.
da sam doživela nervni slom.
01:11
that I had a breakdown.
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01:13
I had a slide that said Breakdown.
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Na slajdu sam napisala "Nervni slom".
01:15
At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
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Kad mi je uopšte palo na pamet
da je to dobra ideja?"
da je to dobra ideja?"
01:18
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:21
And she said, "I saw your Talk live-streamed.
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A ona reče:
"Gledala sam tvoj govor uživo.
"Gledala sam tvoj govor uživo.
01:23
It was not really you.
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Stvarno nisi ličila na sebe.
01:25
It was a little different than what you usually do.
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Pomalo se razlikovalo od onog što
inače radiš,
inače radiš,
01:27
But it was great."
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ali je bilo sjajno."
01:29
And I said,
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Rekoh joj:
01:31
"This can't happen.
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"To se ne sme desiti.
01:33
YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.
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Jutjub, staviće to na Jutjub.
01:35
And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
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I onda će biti reči o 600, 700 ljudi."
01:39
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:43
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
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A ona reče:
"Pa, mislim da je sad prekasno."
"Pa, mislim da je sad prekasno."
01:46
And I said, "Let me ask you something."
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Rekoh: "Da te pitam nešto."
01:48
And she said, "Yeah."
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Ona reče: "Da."
01:50
And I said, "Do you remember when we were in college
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Rekoh: "Sećaš se
kad smo bile na fakultetu,
kad smo bile na fakultetu,
01:52
and really wild and kind of dumb?"
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stvarno divlje i pomalo glupe?"
01:54
And she said, "Yeah."
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Reče: "Da."
01:56
And I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message
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Rekoh: "Sećaš li se kada bismo ostavile
groznu poruku
groznu poruku
01:58
on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?
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na sekretarici svog bivšeg dečka?
02:00
Then we'd have to break into his dorm room
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Onda bismo morale da provalimo
u njegovu sobu u domu i izbrišemo poruku?"
u njegovu sobu u domu i izbrišemo poruku?"
02:02
and then erase the tape?"
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02:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:06
And she goes, "Uh ... no."
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A ona će: "Ovaj... ne."
02:09
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:11
So of course, the only thing I could think of to say at that point was,
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Naravno, jedino što sam tada
mogla da kažem, bilo je:
mogla da kažem, bilo je:
02:14
"Yeah, me neither.
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"Da, ni ja.
02:16
That ... me neither."
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Da, ni ja."
I mislila sam u sebi:
02:20
And I'm thinking to myself,
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02:22
"Brene, what are you doing? What are you doing?
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"Brene, šta to radiš?
02:25
Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind?
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Zašto si to spominjala?
Jesi li poludela?
02:28
Your sisters would be perfect for this."
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Tvoje sestre bi bile odlične za ovo."
(Smeh)
02:32
So I looked back up and she said,
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Ponovo sam je pogledala, a ona reče:
02:35
"Are you really going to try to break in
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"Zar ćeš stvarno pokušati da provališ
i ukradeš video
i ukradeš video
02:38
and steal the video
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02:40
before they put it on YouTube?"
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pre nego ga okače na Jutjub?"
(Smeh)
02:43
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
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Rekoh: "Malkice razmišljam o tome."
02:46
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:48
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
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Ona reče: "Ti si najgori uzor ranjivosti
koji je ikada postojao."
koji je ikada postojao."
02:52
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:55
And then I looked at her and I said something
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Onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto
02:57
that at the time felt a little dramatic,
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što se tada činilo pomalo dramatičnim,
02:59
but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.
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ali je ispalo više proročanski,
nego dramatično.
nego dramatično.
03:01
I said,
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03:03
"If 500 turns into 1,000
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"Ako 500 poraste na 1000,
03:07
or 2,000,
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ili 2000,
03:09
my life is over."
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gotova sam."
03:11
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:13
I had no contingency plan for four million.
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Nisam imala rezervni plan
za četiri miliona.
za četiri miliona.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:20
And my life did end when that happened.
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I jesam bila gotova
kada se to dogodilo.
kada se to dogodilo.
03:23
And maybe the hardest part about my life ending
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I možda najteži deo u vezi sa tim
03:27
is that I learned something hard about myself,
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jeste da sam naučila nešto o sebi,
03:31
and that was that,
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a to je bilo da,
03:34
as much as I would frustrated
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ma koliko bih bila frustrirana
03:36
about not being able to get my work out to the world,
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kad nisam bila u mogućnosti
da pokažem svetu svoj rad,
da pokažem svetu svoj rad,
03:38
there was a part of me that was working very hard
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postojao je deo mene
koji je vredno radio
koji je vredno radio
03:41
to engineer staying small,
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na tome da ostanem mala,
03:44
staying right under the radar.
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da ostanem neprimetna.
03:48
But I want to talk about what I've learned.
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Ali želim da govorim
o onome što sam naučila.
o onome što sam naučila.
03:50
There's two things that I've learned in the last year.
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Dve su stvari
koje sam naučila u prethodnoj godini.
koje sam naučila u prethodnoj godini.
03:54
The first is
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Prva je:
ranjivost nije isto što i slabost.
03:58
vulnerability is not weakness.
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04:02
And that myth
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A taj mit je izuzetno opasan.
04:04
is profoundly dangerous.
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04:06
Let me ask you honestly --
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Da vas iskreno pitam -
04:08
and I'll give you this warning,
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i upozoravam vas,
04:10
I'm trained as a therapist,
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ja sam školovani terapeut,
04:12
so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --
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i mogu se vrpoljiti duže od vas,
04:15
so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --
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pa ako biste samo mogli da podignete ruku,
to bi bilo sjajno -
to bi bilo sjajno -
04:18
how many of you honestly,
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koliko vas iskreno,
04:20
when you're thinking about doing something vulnerable
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kada razmišljate o tome da uradite ili
kažete nešto ranjivo
kažete nešto ranjivo
04:22
or saying something vulnerable,
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pomisli: "Bože, ranjivost je slabost."
04:24
think, "God, vulnerability's weakness. This is weakness?"
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04:26
How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?
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Koliko vas razmišlja o ranjivosti
i slabosti kao sinonimima?
i slabosti kao sinonimima?
04:29
The majority of people.
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Većina ljudi.
04:31
Now let me ask you this question:
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A da vas sad pitam ovo:
04:33
This past week at TED,
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Prošle nedelje u TED-u,
04:36
how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,
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koliko vas je, kada ste ovde gore
ugledali ranjivost,
ugledali ranjivost,
04:39
thought it was pure courage?
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mislilo da je to čista hrabrost?
04:43
Vulnerability is not weakness.
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Ranjivost nije slabost.
04:46
I define vulnerability
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Ja definišem ranjivost kao
emocionalni rizik,
emocionalni rizik,
04:48
as emotional risk,
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04:51
exposure, uncertainty.
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izloženost, nesigurnost.
04:54
It fuels our daily lives.
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Ona pokreće naše svakodnevne živote.
04:56
And I've come to the belief --
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I došla sam do uverenja,
04:58
this is my 12th year doing this research --
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ovo je 12. godina
kako radim ovo istraživanje,
kako radim ovo istraživanje,
05:00
that vulnerability
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da je ranjivost naša najpreciznija
mera hrabrosti ,
mera hrabrosti ,
05:02
is our most accurate measurement
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05:05
of courage --
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05:08
to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,
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biti ranjiv, dopustiti da budemo viđeni
05:11
to be honest.
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biti iskren.
05:13
One of the weird things that's happened
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Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se desile
posle TED eksplozije, jeste da
posle TED eksplozije, jeste da
05:15
is, after the TED explosion,
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05:17
I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --
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sam dobila mnogo ponuda
da govorim širom zemlje,
da govorim širom zemlje,
05:20
everyone from schools and parent meetings
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od škola i saveta roditelja
05:23
to Fortune 500 companies.
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do najuspešnijih kompanija u zemlji.
05:26
And so many of the calls went like this,
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I većina poziva je izgledala ovako:
05:28
"Hey, Dr. Brown. We loved your TEDTalk.
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"Dr Braun, vaš TED govor je odličan.
05:30
We'd like you to come in and speak.
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Voleli bismo da i kod nas držite govor.
05:32
We'd appreciate it
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Bili bismo vam zahvalni
05:34
if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
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ako ne biste pominjali
ranjivost ili stid."
ranjivost ili stid."
(Smeh)
05:37
(Laughter)
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05:41
What would you like for me to talk about?
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O čemu biste želeli da govorim?
05:44
There's three big answers.
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Tri su glavna odgovora.
05:46
This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:
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Da budem iskrena, mahom dolaze iz
poslovnog sektora:
poslovnog sektora:
05:49
innovation, creativity
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inovacija, kreativnost i promena.
05:51
and change.
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(Smeh)
05:55
So let me go on the record
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Dozvolite mi da zvanično saopštim da je
05:57
and say,
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05:59
vulnerability is the birthplace
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ranjivost izvor inovacije,
kreativnosti i promene.
kreativnosti i promene.
06:01
of innovation, creativity and change.
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06:04
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
06:12
To create is to make something
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Kreirati znači stvoriti nešto što
nikada ranije nije postojalo.
nikada ranije nije postojalo.
06:15
that has never existed before.
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06:18
There's nothing more vulnerable than that.
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Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga.
06:21
Adaptability to change
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Prilagodljivost promeni je
usko povezana sa ranjivošću.
usko povezana sa ranjivošću.
06:23
is all about vulnerability.
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06:25
The second thing,
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Druga stvar,
06:27
in addition to really finally understanding
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pored toga što sam konačno
u potpunosti shvatila
u potpunosti shvatila
06:31
the relationship between vulnerability and courage,
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vezu između
ranjivosti i hrabrosti,
ranjivosti i hrabrosti,
06:33
the second thing I learned is this:
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druga stvar koju sam naučila je ova:
06:36
We have to talk about shame.
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moramo govoriti o stidu.
06:41
And I'm going to be really honest with you.
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I biću sasvim iskrena sa vama.
06:43
When I became a "vulnerability researcher"
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Kada sam postala "istraživač ranjivosti"
06:47
and that became the focus because of the TEDTalk --
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to je dospelo u žižu javnosti
zbog mog TED govora,
zbog mog TED govora,
06:50
and I'm not kidding.
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ne šalim se.
Daću vam jedan primer:
06:52
I'll give you an example.
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06:54
About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store
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Pre oko tri meseca,
bila sam u jednoj sportskoj radnji,
bila sam u jednoj sportskoj radnji,
06:56
buying goggles and shin guards
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kupovala naočare i štitnike,
06:58
and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.
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i sve ono što roditelji kupuju
u sportskim radnjama.
u sportskim radnjama.
07:01
About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:
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Na oko trideset metara od mene
čujem ovo:
čujem ovo:
07:04
"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
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"Ranjiva TED! Ranjiva TED!"
07:07
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
(Smeh se završava)
Ja pripadam petoj generaciji Teksašana.
07:15
I'm a fifth generation Texan.
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07:17
Our family motto is "Lock and load."
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Moto moje porodice je:
"Puške na gotovs".
"Puške na gotovs".
07:20
I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.
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Istraživanje ranjivosti mi nije
u prirodi.
u prirodi.
07:25
So I'm like,
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Pa sam pomislila,
07:27
just keep walking, she's on my six.
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samo nastavi, za petama ti je.
07:29
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:31
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"
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I onda čujem: "Ranjiva TED".
07:35
I turn around, I go, "Hi."
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Okrenem se i kažem: "Zdravo".
07:38
She's right here and she said,
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Ona stoji tačno ispred mene i kaže:
07:40
"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
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"Vi ste istražiteljka stida
koja je doživela nervni slom."
koja je doživela nervni slom."
07:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:47
At this point
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U tom momentu, roditelji privlače
svoju decu ka sebi.
svoju decu ka sebi.
07:49
parents are, like, pulling their children close.
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(Smeh)
07:53
"Look away."
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"Ne gledaj."
07:57
And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,
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U tom trenutku svog života
sam toliko izmorena,
sam toliko izmorena,
07:59
I look at her and I actually say,
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pogledam je i zapravo kažem:
08:01
"It was a frickin' spiritual awakening."
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"To je bilo prokleto duhovno buđenje."
08:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:06
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
08:08
And she looks back and does this,
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A ona me pogleda i uradi ovo:
08:10
"I know."
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"Znam."
08:12
And she said,
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(Smeh)
I reče:
08:14
"We watched your TEDTalk in my book club.
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"Gledali smo vaš TED govor
u mom čitalačkom klubu
u mom čitalačkom klubu
08:17
Then we read your book
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Onda smo pročitali vašu knjigu
i promenile svoje ime u
i promenile svoje ime u
08:19
and we renamed ourselves
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08:21
'The Breakdown Babes.'"
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"Havarisani komadi".
(Smeh)
08:24
And she said, "Our tagline is:
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I reče" "Naš slogan je:
08:26
'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
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"Raspadamo se, a osećaj je nestvaran."
08:30
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:33
You can only imagine
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Možete samo zamisliti kako mi je
na sastanku nastavničkog veća.
na sastanku nastavničkog veća.
08:35
what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
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(Uzdah)
08:40
So when I became Vulnerability TED,
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I kad sam postala Ranjiva TED,
08:42
like an action figure --
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kao neka akciona figura,
08:45
like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --
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kao NIndža Barbika,
ali ja sam Ranjiva TED,
ali ja sam Ranjiva TED,
08:49
I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,
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pomislih, okaniću se svega toga
u vezi sa stidom,
u vezi sa stidom,
08:52
because I spent six years studying shame
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jer sam provela šest godina
proučavajući stid
proučavajući stid
08:55
before I really started writing and talking about vulnerability.
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pre nego što sam počela da pišem
i govorim o ranjivosti.
i govorim o ranjivosti.
08:58
And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,
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I pomislih, Bogu hvala,
jer stid je ta grozna tema
jer stid je ta grozna tema
09:01
no one wants to talk about it.
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o kojoj niko ne želi da govori.
09:03
It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.
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To je najbolji način
da ućutkate ljude u avionu.
da ućutkate ljude u avionu.
09:05
"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
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"Čime se bavite?"
"Proučavam stid." "O"
"Proučavam stid." "O"
09:07
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:09
And I see you.
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Da, vidim vas.
09:11
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:17
But in surviving this last year,
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Ali dok sam preživljavala
ovu prethodnu godinu,
ovu prethodnu godinu,
09:20
I was reminded of a cardinal rule --
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podsetila sam se jednog osnovnog pravila,
09:23
not a research rule,
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ne istraživačkog pravila,
09:26
but a moral imperative
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već moralnog imperativa
iz perioda mog odrastanja:
iz perioda mog odrastanja:
09:28
from my upbringing --
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09:30
you've got to dance with the one who brung ya.
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"Ako nađeš prijatelje nove,
ne zaboravi stare."
ne zaboravi stare."
09:34
And I did not learn about vulnerability
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I nisam naučila ništa o ranjivosti
09:36
and courage and creativity and innovation
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i hrabrosti i kreativnosti i inovaciji
09:39
from studying vulnerability.
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dok sam proučavala ranjivost.
09:42
I learned about these things
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O ovim stvarima sam učila
proučavajući stid.
proučavajući stid.
09:44
from studying shame.
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09:46
And so I want to walk you in
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I zato želim da vas upoznam sa stidom.
09:48
to shame.
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09:50
Jungian analysts call shame
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Jungovski analitičari nazivaju stid
močvarom duše.
močvarom duše.
09:53
the swampland of the soul.
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09:56
And we're going to walk in.
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I ući ćemo u nju.
09:58
And the purpose is not to walk in
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Nije nam cilj da uđemo,
10:00
and construct a home and live there.
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sagradimo kuću i živimo tamo.
10:02
It is to put on some galoshes
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Cilj nam je da navučemo kaljače,
10:06
and walk through and find our way around.
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prođemo kroz nju i snađemo se.
10:11
Here's why.
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Evo zašto.
10:15
We heard the most compelling call ever
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Svi smo čuli snažan poziv za razgovor
u ovoj zemlji,
u ovoj zemlji,
10:17
to have a conversation in this country,
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10:20
and I think globally,
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a mislim i u svetu,
o pitanjima rase, zar ne?
o pitanjima rase, zar ne?
10:22
around race, right?
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10:24
Yes? We heard that.
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Da? Čuli smo.
10:26
Yes?
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Da?
10:28
Cannot have that conversation without shame,
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Ne možete razgovarati o tome
bez osećaja stida.
bez osećaja stida.
10:31
because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.
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Jer ne možete govoriti o rasi,
a da ne govorite o privilegijama.
a da ne govorite o privilegijama.
10:34
And when people start talking about privilege,
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A kad ljudi počnu
da govore o privilegijama,
da govore o privilegijama,
10:37
they get paralyzed by shame.
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parališe ih stid.
10:39
We heard a brilliant simple solution
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Čuli smo za sjajno, jednostavno rešenje
za smrtnost tokom operativnih zahvata,
za smrtnost tokom operativnih zahvata,
10:41
to not killing people in surgery,
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10:43
which is have a checklist.
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a to je, kontrolna lista.
10:45
You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,
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Ne možete rešiti taj problem,
a da se ne dotaknete stida,
a da se ne dotaknete stida,
10:48
because when they teach those folks how to suture,
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jer kad uče ove ljude kako da zašiju ranu,
10:52
they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth
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takođe ih uče da zakrpe osećanje
svoje sopstvene vrednosti
svoje sopstvene vrednosti
10:55
to being all-powerful.
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osećanjem svemoći.
10:57
And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
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A svemoćnim ljudima
nisu potrebne kontrolne liste.
nisu potrebne kontrolne liste.
11:02
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow
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Morala sam da zapišem ime
ovog TED učesnika
ovog TED učesnika
11:04
so I didn't mess it up here.
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da ne bih zabrljala ovde.
11:06
Myshkin Ingawale,
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Miškin Ingavali.
11:08
I hope I did right by you.
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Nadam se da sam dobro rekla.
11:10
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
11:13
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.
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Gledala sam učesnike
svog prvog dana ovde
svog prvog dana ovde
11:15
And he got up and he explained
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On je ustao i objasnio
kako je bio podstaknut da napravi
kako je bio podstaknut da napravi
11:17
how he was driven to create
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11:19
some technology to help test for anemia
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neku tehnološku napravu
za testiranje anemije
za testiranje anemije
11:21
because people were dying unnecessarily.
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jer su ljudi nepotrebno umirali.
11:23
And he said, "I saw this need.
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I reče: "Uočio sam potrebu.
11:25
So you know what I did? I made it."
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I šta sam uradio? Napravio sam je."
11:27
And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"
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I svi su počeli da tapšu
i uzvikuju: "To!"
i uzvikuju: "To!"
11:30
And he said, "And it didn't work.
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A on reče: "I nije radila.
(Smeh)
11:33
And then I made it 32 more times,
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I onda sam je pravio još 32 puta,
11:37
and then it worked."
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i tek onda je radila."
11:39
You know what the big secret about TED is?
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Znate li koja je velika tajna TED-a?
11:41
I can't wait to tell people this.
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Ne mogu da dočekam da ispričam.
11:43
I guess I'm doing it right now.
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Valjda upravo sada to i radim.
11:45
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
11:47
This is like the failure conference.
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Ovo je kao rasprava o neuspehu.
11:49
No, it is.
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(Smeh)
Ne, jeste.
11:51
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
11:54
You know why this place is amazing?
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Znate li zašto je ovo mesto čudesno?
11:57
Because very few people here
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Zato što se ovde vrlo mali broj ljudi
plaši neuspeha.
plaši neuspeha.
11:59
are afraid to fail.
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12:01
And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.
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Niko ko se popne na ovu binu, koliko sam
do sad videla, ne doživi neuspeh.
do sad videla, ne doživi neuspeh.
12:05
I've failed miserably, many times.
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Ja sam mnogo puta pretrpela
teške neuspehe.
teške neuspehe.
12:08
I don't think the world understands that
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Mislim da svet to ne shvata,
12:11
because of shame.
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zbog stida.
12:13
There's a great quote that saved me this past year
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Ima jedan sjajan citat
koji me je spasao prošle godine
koji me je spasao prošle godine
12:15
by Theodore Roosevelt.
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od Teodora Ruzvelta.
Mnogim ljudima je poznat po nazivu
"Čovek u areni".
"Čovek u areni".
12:18
A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.
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12:21
And it goes like this:
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A ide ovako:
12:23
"It is not the critic who counts.
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"Nije važan kritičar.
12:25
It is not the man who sits and points out
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Ne čovek koji sedi i ukazuje na to
12:28
how the doer of deeds could have done things better
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kako je izvršilac dela
mogao bolje da uradi stvari
mogao bolje da uradi stvari
12:30
and how he falls and stumbles.
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i kako je pao i spotakao se.
12:32
The credit goes to the man in the arena
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Zaslužan je čovek u areni
12:35
whose face is marred
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čije lice je umrljano
prašinom i krvlju i znojem.
prašinom i krvlju i znojem.
12:37
with dust and blood and sweat.
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12:40
But when he's in the arena,
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A kad je u areni,
12:42
at best he wins,
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u najboljem slučaju pobeđuje,
12:45
and at worst he loses,
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a u najgorem gubi,
12:48
but when he fails, when he loses,
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ali kada padne, kada izgubi,
12:50
he does so daring greatly."
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to čini izuzetno smelo."
12:53
And that's what this conference, to me, is about.
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I, po meni, ova rasprava
je upravo o tome.
je upravo o tome.
12:56
That's what life is about, about daring greatly,
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U životu je ključno usuditi se,
biti u areni.
biti u areni.
12:58
about being in the arena.
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13:00
When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,
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Kada dođete do te arene
i stavite svoju ruku na vrata,
i stavite svoju ruku na vrata,
13:03
and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"
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i pomislite: "Ući ću i
pokušaću ovo",
pokušaću ovo",
13:05
shame is the gremlin
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stid je taj gremlin
13:07
who says, "Uh, uh.
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koji kaže: "A-a.
13:09
You're not good enough.
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Nisi dovoljno dobar.
13:11
You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.
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Nikada nisi završio onaj master.
Žena te je ostavila.
Žena te je ostavila.
13:14
I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,
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Znam da ti tata
nije stvarno bio u Luksemburgu,
nije stvarno bio u Luksemburgu,
13:16
he was in Sing Sing.
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bio je u zatvoru.
13:20
I know those things that happened to you growing up.
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Znam šta vam se događalo
dok ste odrastali.
dok ste odrastali.
13:23
I know you don't think that you're pretty enough
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Znam da ne mislite
13:25
or smart enough or talented enough or powerful enough.
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da ste dovoljno lepi, pametni,
talentovani ili moćni.
talentovani ili moćni.
13:28
I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."
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Znam da vaš otac nije mario
ni kad ste postali finansijski direktor.
ni kad ste postali finansijski direktor.
13:32
Shame is that thing.
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To je stid.
13:35
And if we can quiet it down and walk in
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I ako možemo da ga ućutkamo
i uđemo
i uđemo
13:38
and say, "I'm going to do this,"
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i kažemo: "Uradiću ovo",
13:42
we look up and the critic that we see
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pogledamo u kritičara koji
upire prstom i smeje se,
upire prstom i smeje se,
13:44
pointing and laughing,
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13:46
99 percent of the time is who?
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a on je, u 99 posto slučajeva, ko?
13:49
Us.
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Mi sami.
13:52
Shame drives two big tapes --
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Stid uzrokuju dve značajne poruke:
13:54
"never good enough"
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"nisi dovoljno dobar",
13:56
and, if you can talk it out of that one,
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i ako uspete ovo da savladate,
13:58
"who do you think you are?"
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"šta misliš ko si ti?"
14:02
The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt.
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Treba shvatiti da stid nije krivica.
14:04
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.
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Stid je usredsređena na ličnost,
krivica na ponašanje.
krivica na ponašanje.
14:07
Shame is "I am bad."
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Stid je: "Ja sam loš."
14:09
Guilt is "I did something bad."
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Krivica je: "Uradio sam nešto loše."
14:12
How many of you,
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Koliko vas,
14:14
if you did something that was hurtful to me,
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ako biste mi učinili
nešto loše,
nešto loše,
14:16
would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"
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bi bilo spremno da kaže:
"Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam"?
"Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam"?
14:18
How many of you would be willing to say that?
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Koliko vas bi bilo spremno da to izgovori?
14:21
Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
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Krivica: Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam.
14:24
Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
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Stid: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.
14:28
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.
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Postoji ogromna razlika
između stida i krivice.
između stida i krivice.
14:30
And here's what you need to know.
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I evo šta treba da znate:
14:32
Shame is highly, highly correlated
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stid je u veoma visokoj korelaciji
14:35
with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,
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sa zavisnošću, depresijom,
nasiljem, agresijom,
nasiljem, agresijom,
14:38
bullying, suicide, eating disorders.
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maltretiranjem, samoubistvom,
poremećajima u ishrani.
poremećajima u ishrani.
14:42
And here's what you even need to know more.
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I evo šta treba još bolje da znate:
14:44
Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.
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krivica je u obrnutoj korelaciji
sa tim stvarima.
sa tim stvarima.
14:49
The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do
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Sposobnost da ono što smo uradili
ili nismo uspeli da uradimo,
ili nismo uspeli da uradimo,
14:52
up against who we want to be
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uporedimo sa onim što želimo da postanemo,
je neverovatno prilagodljiva.
je neverovatno prilagodljiva.
14:54
is incredibly adaptive.
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14:56
It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
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Neprijatna, ali prilagodljiva.
15:02
The other thing you need to know about shame
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Druga stvar koju treba da znate o stidu
15:04
is it's absolutely organized by gender.
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jeste da je on u potpunosti ustrojen
po polu.
po polu.
15:07
If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,
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Ako stid oblije mene
i oblije Krisa,
i oblije Krisa,
15:10
it's going to feel the same.
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biće to isti osećaj.
15:13
Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.
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Svi ovde znaju kako je
kada vas oblije toplina od stida.
kada vas oblije toplina od stida.
15:16
We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame
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Prilično smo sigurni da su jedini ljudi
koji ne osećaju stid
koji ne osećaju stid
15:18
are people who have no capacity
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oni koji nemaju sposobnost
povezivanja i empatije.
povezivanja i empatije.
15:20
for connection or empathy.
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15:22
Which means, yes, I have a little shame;
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Što znači: da, malo se stidim;
15:24
no, I'm a sociopath.
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ne, ja sam sociopata.
15:26
So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.
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Ja bih izabrala: da, pomalo se stidim.
15:32
Shame feels the same for men and women,
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Stid je isti i kod muškaraca
i kod žena,
i kod žena,
15:34
but it's organized by gender.
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ali je ustrojen po polu.
15:36
For women,
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Što se žena tiče,
15:38
the best example I can give you
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najbolji primer koji vam mogu dati
je reklama za parfem Anžoli.
je reklama za parfem Anžoli.
15:40
is Enjoli
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15:42
the commercial:
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15:44
"I can put the wash on the line,
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"Mogu da raširim veš,
spakujem ručak, podelim poljupce
spakujem ručak, podelim poljupce
15:46
pack the lunches, hand out the kisses
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15:48
and be at work at five to nine.
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i budem na poslu od devet do pet.
15:50
I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan
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Mogu da zaradim za slaninu,
ispečem je u tiganju,
ispečem je u tiganju,
15:53
and never let you forget you're a man."
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i ne dozvolim da zaboraviš da si muško."
15:56
For women, shame is do it all,
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Za žene, stid je: uradi sve,
15:58
do it perfectly
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uradi to savršeno
16:00
and never let them see you sweat.
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i nikad ne dozvoli da vide da se znojiš.
16:03
I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,
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Ne znam koliko je parfema reklama prodala,
16:06
but I guarantee you,
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ali vam garantujem da je
podstakla potrošnju mnogih
antidepresiva i lekova za smirenje.
antidepresiva i lekova za smirenje.
16:08
it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
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16:10
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
16:14
Shame, for women, is this web
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Stid je, za žene, ova mreža
16:17
of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations
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nedostižnih, oprečnih,
suprotstavljenih očekivanja
suprotstavljenih očekivanja
16:20
about who we're supposed to be.
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o tome ko bi trebalo da budemo.
16:24
And it's a straight-jacket.
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A to je ludačka košulja.
16:26
For men,
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Za muškarce,
16:28
shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.
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stid ne predstavlja gomilu oprečnih,
suprotstavljenih očekivanja.
suprotstavljenih očekivanja.
16:31
Shame is one,
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Stid je jedno -
16:33
do not be perceived as what?
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ne dozvoli da te dožive kao, šta?
16:36
Weak.
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Slabog.
Nisam intervjuisala muškarce
tokom prve četiri godine mog istraživanja.
tokom prve četiri godine mog istraživanja.
16:38
I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.
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16:41
And it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing,
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Dok me, nakon potpisivanja knjige,
jedan čovek nije pogledao i rekao:
jedan čovek nije pogledao i rekao:
16:43
said, "I love what you have to say about shame,
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"Sviđa mi se šta kažete o stidu,
16:45
I'm curious why you didn't mention men."
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zanima me zašto ne spominjete muškarce."
16:47
And I said, "I don't study men."
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Rekoh: "Ne proučavam muškarce."
16:50
And he said, "That's convenient."
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A on reče: "Baš zgodno."
16:52
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
16:55
And I said, "Why?"
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Rekoh: "Zašto?"
16:57
And he said, "Because you say to reach out,
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A on reče: "Zato što kažete da
budemo otvoreni,
budemo otvoreni,
17:00
tell our story,
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da ispričamo svoju priču,
17:02
be vulnerable.
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da budemo ranjivi.
17:05
But you see those books you just signed
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A vidite one knjige koje ste upravo
potpisali za moju ženu i tri ćerke?"
potpisali za moju ženu i tri ćerke?"
17:07
for my wife and my three daughters?"
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17:09
I said, "Yeah."
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Rekoh: "Da."
17:11
"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse
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"One bi radije da ja umrem
na svom belom konju
na svom belom konju
17:14
than watch me fall down.
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nego da me gledaju da padam.
17:17
When we reach out and be vulnerable
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Kada se otvorimo i postanemo ranjivi,
17:20
we get the shit beat out of us.
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premlate nas.
17:22
And don't tell me
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I nemojte mi reći
17:24
it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads,
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da to rade samo momci
i treneri i tate.
i treneri i tate.
17:28
because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
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Jer u mom životu žene su strožije
prema meni od bilo koga drugog."
prema meni od bilo koga drugog."
17:32
So I started interviewing men
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I počela sam da ispitujem muškarce
i postavljam pitanja.
i postavljam pitanja.
17:34
and asking questions.
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17:36
And what I learned is this:
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I naučila sam sledeće:
17:39
You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man
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Pokažite mi ženu koja može
da bude sa muškarcem
da bude sa muškarcem
17:41
in real vulnerability and fear,
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koji je istinski ranjiv i uplašen,
17:43
I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.
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i pokazaću vam ženu
koja je postigla neverovatnu stvar.
koja je postigla neverovatnu stvar.
17:47
You show me a man who can sit with a woman
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Ako mi pokažete muškarca
koji može da bude sa ženom
koji može da bude sa ženom
17:49
who's just had it,
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kojoj je dosta svega,
17:51
she can't do it all anymore,
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koja ne može više,
17:54
and his first response is not,
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a da njegova prva reakcija nije:
17:56
"I unloaded the dishwasher,"
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"ispraznio sam mašinu za pranje suđa!"
17:59
but he really listens --
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(Smeh)
već da zaista sluša,
18:02
because that's all we need --
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jer nam je samo to potrebno,
18:04
I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
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pokazaću vam muškarca
koji je mnogo postigao.
koji je mnogo postigao.
18:06
Shame is an epidemic in our culture.
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Stid je epidemija u našoj kulturi.
18:11
And to get out from underneath it,
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I da bismo mu izmakli,
18:16
to find our way back to each other,
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da bismo se vratili jedni drugima,
18:18
we have to understand how it affects us
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moramo razumeti kako on utiče na nas,
18:20
and how it affects the way we're parenting,
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i kako utiče na naše roditeljstvo,
18:23
the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.
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na naš posao,
na način na koji vidimo jedni druge.
na način na koji vidimo jedni druge.
18:27
Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.
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I brzo, jedno Mahalikovo istraživanje
na Univerzitetu u Bostonu.
na Univerzitetu u Bostonu.
18:31
He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?
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Pitao je šta žene treba da rade
da bi se povinovale ženskim normama?
da bi se povinovale ženskim normama?
18:34
The top answers in this country:
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Najčešći odgovori u ovoj zemlji su:
18:38
nice, thin, modest
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fine, vitke, skromne
18:40
and use all available resources for appearance.
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i dodajte sve moguće reči
koje opisuju izgled.
koje opisuju izgled.
(Smeh)
18:43
When he asked about men,
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Kada je pitao za muškarce,
18:45
what do men in this country need to do
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šta muškarci treba da rade
da bi se povinovali muškim normama,
da bi se povinovali muškim normama,
18:47
to conform with male norms,
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18:49
the answers were:
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odgovori su:
18:51
always show emotional control, work is first,
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da uvek kontrolišu osećanja,
posao na prvom mestu,
18:54
pursue status and violence.
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da izgrađuju društveni status i
budu nasilni.
budu nasilni.
18:57
If we're going to find our way back to each other,
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Ako hoćemo da se vratimo
jedni drugima,
jedni drugima,
19:00
we have to understand and know empathy,
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moramo razumeti i znati šta je empatija,
19:03
because empathy's the antidote to shame.
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jer je empatija protivotrov za stid.
19:05
If you put shame in a Petri dish,
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Ako stavite stid u petrijevu posudu,
19:07
it needs three things to grow exponentially:
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trebaju mu tri stvari
za eksponencijalni rast:
za eksponencijalni rast:
19:10
secrecy, silence and judgment.
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tajnost, tišina i osuda.
19:12
If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,
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Ako u posudu stavite istu količinu stida,
i natopite je empatijom,
i natopite je empatijom,
19:15
it can't survive.
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ne može da preživi.
19:17
The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:
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Dve najmoćnije reči kada
se borimo s nečim su:
se borimo s nečim su:
19:20
me too.
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ja takođe.
19:22
And so I'll leave you with this thought.
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Ostaviću vas sa ovom misli.
19:25
If we're going to find our way
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Ako hoćemo da se vratimo jedni drugima,
19:27
back to each other,
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19:30
vulnerability is going to be that path.
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ranjivost je put kojim treba ići.
19:34
And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,
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I znam da je primamljivo
ostati ispred arene,
ostati ispred arene,
19:36
because I think I did it my whole life,
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mislim da sam to radila celog života,
19:38
and think to myself,
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i pomisliti u sebi:
19:40
I'm going to go in there and kick some ass
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"Ući ću tamo i rasturiću
19:42
when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.
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kada budem otporna na udarce
i kad budem savršena".
i kad budem savršena".
19:46
And that is seductive.
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A to je primamljivo.
19:48
But the truth is that never happens.
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Ali istina je da se to nikada ne događa
19:51
And even if you got as perfect as you could
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I čak i kada ste
najsavršeniji što možete,
najsavršeniji što možete,
19:53
and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster
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i najotporniji što možete,
19:55
when you got in there,
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kad uđete,
19:57
that's not what we want to see.
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to nije to što želimo da vidimo.
20:01
We want you to go in.
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Mi želimo da uđete.
20:04
We want to be with you and across from you.
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Mi želimo da budemo sa vama
i naspram vas.
i naspram vas.
20:07
And we just want,
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Mi samo želimo,
20:09
for ourselves and the people we care about
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za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo,
20:11
and the people we work with,
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i za ljude sa kojim radimo,
20:13
to dare greatly.
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da imaju mnogo smelosti.
20:15
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
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Mnogo hvala svima.
Zaista sam vam zahvalna.
Zaista sam vam zahvalna.
20:18
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com