TED2019
Suleika Jaouad: What almost dying taught me about living
蘇萊卡 傑烏亞德: 瀕死經歷教導我人生的意義
Filmed:
Readability: 4
2,529,592 views
作家蘇萊卡傑 烏亞德說：「當癌症治好後，我的癌症經歷中最辛苦的部分才開始。」在這場強烈、有趣又有智慧的演說中，她要我們試著從框架外去思考「生病」及「健康」的定義，也問道：「在原本的人生被打斷之後，你要如何重新出發並找到新的人生意義？」
Suleika Jaouad - Writer, teacher, activist
Writer Suleika Jaouad is changing the conversation about what it means to thrive in the wake of illness and life's unexpected interruptions. Full bio
Writer Suleika Jaouad is changing the conversation about what it means to thrive in the wake of illness and life's unexpected interruptions. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It was the spring of 2011,
0
690
2976
2011 年春天，
00:15
and as they like to say
in commencement speeches,
in commencement speeches,
1
3690
2802
套用大家在畢業典禮
演說中很喜歡用的說法，
演說中很喜歡用的說法，
00:18
I was getting ready
to enter the real world.
to enter the real world.
2
6516
3564
我準備好要進入真實的世界。
00:22
I had recently graduated from college
3
10727
2632
我剛從大學畢業，
00:25
and moved to Paris to start my first job.
4
13383
2740
搬到巴黎，開始我的第一份工作。
00:28
My dream was to become
a war correspondent,
a war correspondent,
5
16990
3872
我曾夢想成為戰地記者，
00:32
but the real world that I found
6
20886
2157
但，我發現的真實世界，
00:35
took me into a really different
kind of conflict zone.
kind of conflict zone.
7
23067
4280
帶我進入了一個
非常不同的衝突地帶。
非常不同的衝突地帶。
00:40
At 22 years old,
8
28974
2024
22 歲時，
00:43
I was diagnosed with leukemia.
9
31022
2903
我被診斷出白血病。
00:46
The doctors told me
and my parents, point-blank,
and my parents, point-blank,
10
34927
3285
醫生直截了當地告訴我和我父母，
00:50
that I had about a 35 percent chance
of long-term survival.
of long-term survival.
11
38236
4465
我能長期存活的機率是 35% 。
00:56
I couldn't wrap my head around
what that prognosis meant.
what that prognosis meant.
12
44006
4817
我無法去想那預後所代表的意義。
01:00
But I understood that the reality
and the life I'd imagined for myself
and the life I'd imagined for myself
13
48847
5103
但我了解，我曾想像
自己可以擁有的現實和人生
自己可以擁有的現實和人生
01:05
had shattered.
14
53974
1150
都粉碎了。
01:07
Overnight, I lost my job,
my apartment, my independence,
my apartment, my independence,
15
55744
5006
一夕之間，我失去了我的工作、
我的公寓、我的獨立性，
我的公寓、我的獨立性，
01:12
and I became patient number 5624.
16
60774
3772
而我成為 5624 號病人。
01:18
Over the next four years
of chemo, a clinical trial
of chemo, a clinical trial
17
66680
3549
接下來四年的化療、臨床實驗，
01:22
and a bone marrow transplant,
18
70253
1880
以及骨髓移植，
01:24
the hospital became my home,
19
72157
2311
讓醫院成了我的家、
01:26
my bed, the place I lived 24/7.
20
74492
2995
我的床，我一天 24 小時，
一週 7 天都住在此。
一週 7 天都住在此。
01:30
Since it was unlikely
that I'd ever get better,
that I'd ever get better,
21
78111
3749
因為我似乎不可能變好，
01:33
I had to accept my new reality.
22
81884
2927
我得要接受我的新現實。
01:37
And I adapted.
23
85276
2351
我適應了。
01:40
I became fluent in medicalese,
24
88196
3595
我會說流利的醫療語言，
01:43
made friends with a group
of other young cancer patients,
of other young cancer patients,
25
91815
4698
和一群年輕的癌症病人成為朋友，
01:48
built a vast collection of neon wigs
26
96537
4334
收集了大量的亮麗假髮，
01:52
and learned to use
my rolling IV pole as a skateboard.
my rolling IV pole as a skateboard.
27
100895
5807
並學會把我那支有輪子的點滴架
當成滑板來玩。
當成滑板來玩。
01:59
I even achieved my dream
of becoming a war correspondent,
of becoming a war correspondent,
28
107943
3079
我甚至達成了當戰地記者的夢想，
02:03
although not in the way I'd expected.
29
111046
2667
不過不是我預期的樣子。
02:06
It started with a blog,
30
114220
1754
一開始是一個部落格，
02:07
reporting from the front lines
of my hospital bed,
of my hospital bed,
31
115998
2337
從我的醫院病床前線報導，
02:10
and it morphed into a column
I wrote for the New York Times,
I wrote for the New York Times,
32
118359
3826
後來演變成我為
《紐約時報》寫的一個專欄，
《紐約時報》寫的一個專欄，
02:14
called "Life, Interrupted."
33
122209
1733
叫做「人生，被打斷」。
02:16
But --
(Applause)
(Applause)
34
124784
1151
但——（掌聲）謝謝。
02:17
Thank you.
35
125959
1152
02:19
(Applause)
36
127135
2060
（掌聲）
02:21
But above all else,
37
129620
2270
但最重要的，
02:23
my focus was on surviving.
38
131914
3158
我把焦點放在活下來這件事上，
02:27
And -- spoiler alert --
39
135863
2627
且——警告，有雷——
02:30
(Laughter)
40
138514
2095
（笑聲）
02:32
I did survive, yeah.
41
140633
2128
我活下來了，沒錯。
02:34
(Applause)
42
142785
5030
（掌聲）
02:39
Thanks to an army of supportive humans,
43
147839
2865
感謝一大群支持我的人，
02:42
I'm not just still here,
I am cured of my cancer.
I am cured of my cancer.
44
150728
3809
我不僅還健在，
我的癌症也治癒了。
我的癌症也治癒了。
02:46
(Applause)
45
154921
1161
（掌聲）
02:48
Thank you.
46
156106
1152
謝謝。
02:49
(Applause)
47
157282
2064
（掌聲）
02:51
So, when you go through
a traumatic experience like this,
a traumatic experience like this,
48
159370
4133
當你走過像這樣的創傷經歷，
02:55
people treat you differently.
49
163527
1647
大家對待你的方式會不同。
02:57
They start telling you
how much of an inspiration you are.
how much of an inspiration you are.
50
165614
4070
他們會開始告訴你，
你很激勵人心，
你很激勵人心，
03:02
They say you're a warrior.
51
170136
2386
說你是生命鬥士，
03:04
They call you a hero,
52
172546
1944
或稱你為英雄，
03:06
someone who's lived
the mythical hero's journey,
the mythical hero's journey,
53
174514
2952
一名活出神話英雄般冒險的偉人，
03:09
who's endured impossible trials
54
177490
2085
撐過了不可能的試煉，
03:11
and, against the odds,
lived to tell the tale,
lived to tell the tale,
55
179599
3327
克服萬難後，活下來訴說這個事蹟。
03:14
returning better and braver
for what you're been through.
for what you're been through.
56
182950
3867
在你經歷過後變得更好、更勇敢。
03:19
And this definitely lines up
with my experience.
with my experience.
57
187839
4606
而這非常符合我所經歷的一切。
03:24
Cancer totally transformed my life.
58
192469
2254
癌症徹底改變了我的人生。
03:26
I left the hospital knowing
exactly who I was
exactly who I was
59
194747
2968
離開醫院時，
我很清楚知道我是誰，
我很清楚知道我是誰，
03:29
and what I wanted to do in the world.
60
197739
2063
及我想要在這個世界上做什麼。
03:31
And now, every day as the sun rises,
61
199826
2689
現在，每天太陽升起時，
03:34
I drink a big glass of celery juice,
62
202539
2578
在我喝完一大杯西芹汁後，
03:37
and I follow this up
with 90 minutes of yoga.
with 90 minutes of yoga.
63
205141
2825
我會做 90 分鐘的瑜伽。
03:40
Then, I write down 50 things
I'm grateful for onto a scroll of paper
I'm grateful for onto a scroll of paper
64
208649
5896
接著，我會在紙卷上寫下
我感激的 50 件事物，
我感激的 50 件事物，
03:46
that I fold into an origami crane
and send sailing out my window.
and send sailing out my window.
65
214569
4912
然後摺成紙鶴，
讓它從我的窗戶翱翔出去。
讓它從我的窗戶翱翔出去。
03:51
(Laughter)
66
219505
1667
（笑聲）
03:53
Are you seriously believing any of this?
67
221196
3131
你們真的相信這些嗎？
03:56
(Laughter)
68
224351
2082
（笑聲）
03:58
I don't do any of these things.
69
226457
1823
剛剛說的我一樣也沒有做。
04:00
(Laughter)
70
228304
1107
（笑聲）
04:01
I hate yoga, and I have no idea
how to fold an origami crane.
how to fold an origami crane.
71
229435
4201
我討厭做瑜伽，
也不知道怎麼摺紙鶴。
也不知道怎麼摺紙鶴。
04:07
The truth is that for me,
72
235355
2082
事實是，對我而言，
04:09
the hardest part of my cancer experience
began once the cancer was gone.
began once the cancer was gone.
73
237461
4876
最艱難的癌症經歷
在我治好癌症後才真正的開始。
在我治好癌症後才真正的開始。
04:15
That heroic journey
of the survivor we see in movies
of the survivor we see in movies
74
243538
3761
我們在電影中、在 IG 上會看到
04:19
and watch play out on Instagram --
75
247323
2310
倖存者的英勇旅程——
04:21
it's a myth.
76
249657
1158
那只是迷思。
04:22
It isn't just untrue, it's dangerous,
77
250839
2571
它不僅不是真的，還很危險，
04:25
because it erases the very real
challenges of recovery.
challenges of recovery.
78
253434
3395
因為它會抹除了康復過程中
最現實的挑戰。
最現實的挑戰。
04:29
Now, don't get me wrong --
I am incredibly grateful to be alive,
I am incredibly grateful to be alive,
79
257529
5612
別誤會我的意思——
我很感恩我還能活著
04:35
and I am painfully aware
that this struggle is a privilege
that this struggle is a privilege
80
263165
3502
我深刻地了解這種掙扎
是許多人無法體會到的特權。
04:38
that many don't get to experience.
81
266691
2080
04:41
But it's important that I tell you
82
269284
2506
但，很重要的是，我要讓各位了解
04:43
what this projection of heroism
and expectation of constant gratitude
and expectation of constant gratitude
83
271814
5271
這種將英雄主義投射在
嘗試復元的人身上，
嘗試復元的人身上，
並認為他們應時時抱持感恩的
期望，對他們有什麼影響。
期望，對他們有什麼影響。
04:49
does to people who are trying to recover.
84
277109
2357
04:51
Because being cured is not
where the work of healing ends.
where the work of healing ends.
85
279886
4350
因為病被治好了並不表示
療癒的工作已完成了。
療癒的工作已完成了。
04:56
It's where it begins.
86
284784
1848
療癒其實才剛開始。
04:59
I'll never forget the day
I was discharged from the hospital,
I was discharged from the hospital,
87
287704
4191
我永遠不會忘記我出院的那一天，
05:03
finally done with treatment.
88
291919
2190
終於不用再治療了。
05:06
Those four years of chemo
had taken a toll on my relationship
had taken a toll on my relationship
89
294997
5813
化療的那四年傷害了
我和多年男友的關係，
05:12
with my longtime boyfriend,
90
300834
1886
05:14
and he'd recently moved out.
91
302744
2058
他不久前才搬出去。
05:17
And when I walked
into my apartment, it was quiet.
into my apartment, it was quiet.
92
305498
3880
我走進我的公寓，裡面好安靜。
05:21
Eerily so.
93
309831
1150
怪異恐怖式的安靜。
05:24
The person I wanted to call
in this moment,
in this moment,
94
312192
2695
此刻，我想打電話聊天的對象，
05:26
the person who I knew
would understand everything,
would understand everything,
95
314911
3499
我知道能懂我的那個人，
05:30
was my friend Melissa.
96
318434
1666
是我的朋友梅莉莎。
05:32
She was a fellow cancer patient,
97
320498
2052
她也是癌症病人，
05:34
but she had died three weeks earlier.
98
322574
2624
但她在三星期前過世了。
05:38
As I stood there in the doorway
of my apartment,
of my apartment,
99
326515
2976
當我站在我的公寓的門廊時，
05:41
I wanted to cry.
100
329515
1881
我好想哭。
05:43
But I was too tired to cry.
101
331420
2882
但我已經累到哭不出來。
05:46
The adrenaline was gone.
102
334728
1849
腎上腺素沒了。
05:48
I had felt as if the inner scaffolding
103
336601
2770
我覺得，從我被診斷出癌症之後
05:51
that had held me together
since my diagnosis
since my diagnosis
104
339395
2437
就一直支撐著我的內在支架，
05:53
had suddenly crumbled.
105
341856
1641
突然瓦解了。
05:56
I had spent the past 1,500 days
working tirelessly to achieve one goal:
working tirelessly to achieve one goal:
106
344173
6909
我不屈不撓地把過去
一千五百天都投入在
一千五百天都投入在
達成一個目標上：活下來。
06:03
to survive.
107
351106
1381
06:04
And now that I'd done so,
108
352511
1905
現在我已經辦到了，
06:06
I realized I had absolutely
no idea how to live.
no idea how to live.
109
354440
5631
我發現我完全
不知道要如何活下去。
不知道要如何活下去。
06:13
On paper, of course, I was better:
110
361996
2040
從書面資料來看，我的確變好了：
06:16
I didn't have leukemia,
111
364060
2103
我沒有白血病了，
06:18
my blood counts were back no normal,
112
366187
1853
我的血球數恢復正常，
06:20
and the disability checks
soon stopped coming.
soon stopped coming.
113
368064
2777
也不再收到身障給付支票。
06:23
To the outside world,
114
371244
1238
對外界來說，
06:24
I clearly didn't belong in the kingdom
of the sick anymore.
of the sick anymore.
115
372506
4500
我很顯然不再是
病人王國的一份子。
病人王國的一份子。
06:29
But in reality, I never felt
further from being well.
further from being well.
116
377871
3952
但在現實中，我一點都沒有
覺得自己已經好了。
覺得自己已經好了。
06:34
All that chemo had taken
a permanent physical toll on my body.
a permanent physical toll on my body.
117
382688
4714
那些化療讓我的身體
受到永久的實體損害。
受到永久的實體損害。
06:39
I wondered, "What kind of job can I hold
118
387949
3120
我納悶：「我這種人
能找到什麼工作？
能找到什麼工作？
06:43
when I need to nap for four hours
in the middle of the day?
in the middle of the day?
119
391093
4063
我白天需要午睡四個小時。
06:47
When my misfiring immune system
120
395180
2461
我的免疫系統不時會出錯，
06:49
still sends me to the ER
on a regular basis?"
on a regular basis?"
121
397665
3348
讓我經常被送去急診。」
06:53
And then there were the invisible,
psychological imprints
psychological imprints
122
401657
3834
而且，我的疾病還留下了
看不見的心理烙印：
06:57
my illness had left behind:
123
405515
2150
06:59
the fears of relapse,
124
407689
2643
對疾病復發的恐懼、
07:02
the unprocessed grief,
125
410356
1902
沒有處理的悲傷、
07:04
the demons of PTSD that descended upon me
for days, sometimes weeks.
for days, sometimes weeks.
126
412282
5640
有時會持續數日甚至數週的
「創傷後壓力症候群」。
「創傷後壓力症候群」。
07:10
See, we talk about reentry
127
418921
2254
大家談的重返社會，
07:13
in the context of war and incarceration.
128
421199
3325
是針對經歷過戰爭
和被監禁的人而言。
和被監禁的人而言。
07:16
But we don't talk about it as much
129
424548
1894
但我們不太會談到
07:18
in the context of other kinds
of traumatic experiences, like an illness.
of traumatic experiences, like an illness.
130
426466
4301
其他類型的創傷經歷，如疾病。
07:23
Because no one had warned me
of the challenges of reentry,
of the challenges of reentry,
131
431911
3904
因為沒有人警告過我
重返社會要面臨的挑戰，
重返社會要面臨的挑戰，
07:27
I thought something must be wrong with me.
132
435839
2777
我以為是我自己的問題。
07:30
I felt ashamed,
133
438640
2175
我感到羞愧，
07:32
and with great guilt,
I kept reminding myself
I kept reminding myself
134
440839
3286
帶著很強的罪惡感，
我不斷提醒我自己，
我不斷提醒我自己，
07:36
of how lucky I was to be alive at all,
135
444149
2291
我光是能活著就很幸運了，
07:38
when so many people
like my friend Melissa were not.
like my friend Melissa were not.
136
446464
2911
我的朋友梅莉莎，
還有好多人沒有這種好運。
還有好多人沒有這種好運。
07:42
But on most days, I woke up
feeling so sad and lost,
feeling so sad and lost,
137
450387
3595
但在大部分的日子裡，
我每天起床都很悲傷和失落，
我每天起床都很悲傷和失落，
07:46
I could barely breathe.
138
454006
1719
而且幾乎無法呼吸。
07:48
Sometimes, I even fantasized
about getting sick again.
about getting sick again.
139
456204
4804
有時，我甚至會幻想再次生病。
07:53
And let me tell you,
140
461683
1152
讓我告訴各位，
07:54
there are so many better things
to fantasize about
to fantasize about
141
462859
3904
當你二十多歲，且剛恢復單身時，
其實有許多更好的事情可以幻想。
07:58
when you're in your twenties
and recently single.
and recently single.
142
466787
2722
08:01
(Laughter)
143
469533
1922
（笑聲）
08:03
But I missed the hospital's ecosystem.
144
471479
3896
但我懷念醫院的生活。
08:07
Like me, everyone in there was broken.
145
475399
3413
在醫院，所有人都跟我一樣破碎。
08:10
But out here, among the living,
I felt like an impostor,
I felt like an impostor,
146
478836
4372
但在外頭，在活著的人當中，
我覺得自己像個騙子，
我覺得自己像個騙子，
08:15
overwhelmed and unable to function.
147
483232
2904
不知所從，無法正常運作。
08:18
I also missed the sense of clarity
I'd felt at my sickest.
I'd felt at my sickest.
148
486692
4365
我也懷念在我病得最重時的清澈感。
08:23
Staring your mortality straight in the eye
has a way of simplifying things,
has a way of simplifying things,
149
491581
5065
直視著你有限的生命，
讓一切變得更簡單，
讓一切變得更簡單，
08:28
of rerouting your focus
to what really matters.
to what really matters.
150
496670
3523
讓你把焦點放到真正重要之處。
08:32
And when I was sick,
I vowed that if I survived,
I vowed that if I survived,
151
500686
2341
我生病時，我發誓如果我活下來，
一定要為了什麼而活，
一定要為了什麼而活，
08:35
it had to be for something.
152
503051
1502
08:36
It had to be to live a good life,
an adventurous life,
an adventurous life,
153
504577
3397
一定要好好過人生，
過一個冒險的人生、
過一個冒險的人生、
08:39
a meaningful one.
154
507998
1310
一個有意義的人生。
08:41
But the question, once I was cured,
155
509927
2459
但我被治癒之後，
問題就變成：要怎麼做呢？
問題就變成：要怎麼做呢？
08:44
became: How?
156
512410
1643
08:46
I was 27 years old
with no job, no partner, no structure.
with no job, no partner, no structure.
157
514712
4918
我二十七歲，沒有工作、
沒有伴侶、生活沒有架構。
沒有伴侶、生活沒有架構。
08:51
And this time, I didn't have treatment
protocols or discharge instructions
protocols or discharge instructions
158
519654
4367
這次，沒有治療大綱或出院指示
08:56
to help guide my way forward.
159
524045
1799
來協助引導我向前走。
08:58
But what I did have was an in-box
full of internet messages
full of internet messages
160
526773
5925
但，我所擁有的，
是收件匣中裝滿了
是收件匣中裝滿了
來自陌生人的網路訊息。
09:04
from strangers.
161
532722
1289
09:06
Over the years,
162
534895
1155
數年來，世界各地的人
讀了我的專欄之後，
讀了我的專欄之後，
09:08
people from all over the world
had read my column,
had read my column,
163
536074
2646
會用信件、留言、
電子郵件來回應我。
電子郵件來回應我。
09:10
and they'd responded with letters,
comments and emails.
comments and emails.
164
538744
4253
09:16
It was a mix, as is often
the case, for writers.
the case, for writers.
165
544046
4708
那對於作家來說是大雜燴。
09:21
I got a lot of unsolicited advice
166
549773
2635
我得到許多不請自來的建議，
09:24
about how to cure my cancer
with things like essential oils.
with things like essential oils.
167
552432
3643
告訴我要如何用像是精油
之類的東西來治療我的癌症。
之類的東西來治療我的癌症。
09:29
I got some questions about my bra size.
168
557281
3023
還有人問我的胸罩尺寸。
09:32
But mostly --
169
560687
1840
但，大部分——
09:34
(Laughter)
170
562551
1103
（笑聲）
09:35
mostly, I heard from people who,
in their own different way,
in their own different way,
171
563678
4738
大部分寫信給我的人
都是用他們自己的方式，
都是用他們自己的方式，
09:40
understood what it was
that I was going through.
that I was going through.
172
568440
2482
來理解我所經歷的。
09:43
I heard from a teenage girl in Florida
173
571696
2841
有位佛羅里達的青少女聯絡我，
09:46
who, like me, was coming out of chemo
174
574561
2310
她跟我一樣，剛結束化療，
09:48
and wrote me a message
composed largely of emojis.
composed largely of emojis.
175
576895
3968
她寫給我的訊息主要
是由表情符號組成的。
是由表情符號組成的。
09:53
I heard from a retired art history
professor in Ohio named Howard,
professor in Ohio named Howard,
176
581649
5404
還有一位是俄亥俄州的
退休藝術史教授霍華，
退休藝術史教授霍華，
09:59
who'd spent most of his life
177
587077
1424
他一生中大部分的時間
10:00
struggling with a mysterious,
debilitating health condition
debilitating health condition
178
588525
3455
都在對抗一種使他
逐漸衰弱的神秘疾病，
逐漸衰弱的神秘疾病，
10:04
that he'd had from the time
he was a young man.
he was a young man.
179
592004
2587
他從年輕時就得到這種病。
10:07
I heard from an inmate
on death row in Texas
on death row in Texas
180
595321
4681
還有一位德州的死囚，
10:12
by the name of Little GQ --
181
600026
2464
叫做小 GQ——
10:14
short for "Gangster Quinn."
182
602514
2095
GQ 是「幫派混混昆恩」的縮寫。
10:17
He'd never been sick a day in his life.
183
605442
2286
他一生中都沒有生過病。
10:19
He does 1,000 push-ups
to start off each morning.
to start off each morning.
184
607752
3141
每天早晨他從做
一千個伏地挺身開始。
一千個伏地挺身開始。
10:22
But he related to what
I described in one column
I described in one column
185
610917
2606
但我在一個專欄中寫的內容，
讓他感同身受到是
我的「癌症監禁」，
我的「癌症監禁」，
10:25
as my "incanceration,"
186
613547
2187
10:27
and to the experience of being confined
to a tiny fluorescent room.
to a tiny fluorescent room.
187
615758
4185
讓我被侷限在一個
小小的螢光房間中。
小小的螢光房間中。
10:33
"I know that our situations
are different," he wrote to me,
are different," he wrote to me,
188
621458
4135
他信上這麼寫著：
「我知道我們的情況不同，
「我知道我們的情況不同，
10:37
"But the threat of death
lurks in both of our shadows."
lurks in both of our shadows."
189
625966
4246
但死亡的威脅
在我們的影子裡虎視眈眈。」
在我們的影子裡虎視眈眈。」
10:43
In those lonely first weeks
and months of my recovery,
and months of my recovery,
190
631819
4143
在我恢復後的前幾週、
幾個月，我十分寂寞，
幾個月，我十分寂寞，
10:47
these strangers and their words
became lifelines,
became lifelines,
191
635986
3877
這些陌生人和他們的
話語成了我的生命線，
話語成了我的生命線，
10:51
dispatches from people
of so many different backgrounds,
of so many different backgrounds,
192
639887
2856
雖然是來自背景如此迥然不同的人，
10:54
with so many different experiences,
193
642767
1974
有這麼多不同的經歷，
10:56
all showing me the same thing:
194
644765
2027
他們卻都告訴我同樣一件事：
11:01
you can be held hostage
195
649250
2659
你可以被你所遇到過
最糟糕的事情給綁架，
最糟糕的事情給綁架，
11:03
by the worst thing
that's ever happened to you
that's ever happened to you
196
651933
2984
11:06
and allow it to hijack
your remaining days,
your remaining days,
197
654941
3406
並讓它挾持你所有剩下的日子，
11:10
or you can find a way forward.
198
658371
2872
或者，你可以找到
一個向前走的方式。
一個向前走的方式。
11:14
I knew I needed to make
some kind of change.
some kind of change.
199
662960
3823
我知道我需要做某種改變。
11:18
I wanted to be in motion again
200
666807
2891
我想要再次動起來，
11:21
to figure out how to unstuck myself
and to get back out into the world.
and to get back out into the world.
201
669722
4694
想辦法讓自己從現狀脫身，
回到外面的世界。
回到外面的世界。
11:26
And so I decided to go on
a real journey --
a real journey --
202
674918
4206
所以我決定踏上
一段真正的旅行——
一段真正的旅行——
11:31
not the bullshit cancer one
203
679791
3206
不是大家認為我應該去做的
11:35
or the mythical hero's journey
that everyone thought I should be on,
that everyone thought I should be on,
204
683021
3216
狗屁癌症之旅或神話英雄之旅，
11:38
but a real, pack-your-bags
kind of journey.
kind of journey.
205
686261
3221
而是真正要打包的那種旅行。
11:42
I put everything I owned into storage,
206
690586
3552
我把我擁有的所有東西
都放到儲藏室，
都放到儲藏室，
11:47
rented out my apartment, borrowed a car
207
695621
2979
把我的公寓租出去，借了一台車，
11:50
and talked a very a dear
but somewhat smelly friend
but somewhat smelly friend
208
698624
5059
說服了一個很親密
但又有點臭的朋友，
但又有點臭的朋友，
11:55
into joining me.
209
703707
1159
去伴隨我的旅行。
11:56
(Laughter)
210
704890
2452
（笑聲）
11:59
Together, my dog Oscar and I
embarked on a 15,000-mile road trip
embarked on a 15,000-mile road trip
211
707366
5551
我和我的狗奧斯卡一起展開了
一萬五千英里的全美公路之旅。
12:04
around the United States.
212
712941
1571
12:07
Along the way, we visited some
of those strangers who'd written to me.
of those strangers who'd written to me.
213
715175
4905
一路上，我們去拜訪了
一些寫信給我的陌生人。
一些寫信給我的陌生人。
12:12
I needed their advice,
214
720826
1555
我需要他們的建議，
12:14
also to say to them, thank you.
215
722405
2219
也需要對他們說聲謝謝。
12:17
I went to Ohio and stayed with Howard,
the retired professor.
the retired professor.
216
725276
4920
我們去俄亥俄州，
住在退休教授霍華家。
住在退休教授霍華家。
12:23
When you've suffered a loss or a trauma,
217
731085
3141
當你失去過或是受過創傷，
12:26
the impulse can be to guard your heart.
218
734250
2430
自然會築起心防。
12:29
But Howard urged me
to open myself up to uncertainty,
to open myself up to uncertainty,
219
737069
4231
但霍華鼓勵我打開自己，
去面對不確定性，
去面對不確定性，
12:33
to the possibilities
of new love, new loss.
of new love, new loss.
220
741324
4560
面對新的機會，
不論是新愛或是新的失去。
不論是新愛或是新的失去。
12:38
Howard will never be cured of illness.
221
746561
2810
霍華的疾病永遠不會好。
12:41
And as a young man, he had no way
of predicting how long he'd live.
of predicting how long he'd live.
222
749395
3246
年輕時，他完全無法
預測他能活多久。
預測他能活多久。
12:44
But that didn't stop him
from getting married.
from getting married.
223
752665
2825
但那並沒有阻止他結婚。
12:47
Howard has grandkids now,
224
755839
1944
現在霍華都有孫子了，
12:49
and takes weekly ballroom dancing
lessons with his wife.
lessons with his wife.
225
757807
3563
每週還會跟太太去上交際舞的課。
12:53
When I visited them,
226
761807
1318
我拜訪他們時，
12:55
they’d recently celebrated
their 50th anniversary.
their 50th anniversary.
227
763149
3633
他們才剛慶祝完結婚五十週年。
12:59
In his letter to me, he'd written,
228
767815
2508
他給我的信上寫到：
13:02
"Meaning is not found
in the material realm;
in the material realm;
229
770347
2905
「你無法在物質王國找到意義；
13:05
it's not in dinner, jazz,
cocktails or conversation.
cocktails or conversation.
230
773276
4087
它並不存在於晚餐、爵士樂、
雞尾酒，或對話當中。
雞尾酒，或對話當中。
13:09
Meaning is what's left
when everything else is stripped away."
when everything else is stripped away."
231
777387
4072
當所有其他的一切都被奪去時，
剩下的才是意義。」
剩下的才是意義。」
13:14
I went to Texas, and I visited
Little GQ on death row.
Little GQ on death row.
232
782753
4573
我去德州拜訪了死囚小 GQ。
13:19
He asked me what I did
to pass all that time
to pass all that time
233
787999
3353
他問我，我在醫院病房時
13:23
I'd spent in a hospital room.
234
791376
2121
怎麼打發時間。
13:26
When I told him that I got
really, really good at Scrabble,
really, really good at Scrabble,
235
794355
4230
我告訴他，我把拼字遊戲
玩到出神入化，
玩到出神入化，
13:30
he said, "Me, too!" and explained how,
236
798609
3426
他說：「我也是！」並解釋，
13:34
even though he spends most of his days
in solitary confinement,
in solitary confinement,
237
802059
3339
雖然他大部分的時間
都待在單獨監禁室，
都待在單獨監禁室，
13:37
he and his neighboring prisoners
make board games out of paper
make board games out of paper
238
805422
4005
他和附近的囚犯仍然
想辦法在紙上玩桌遊，
想辦法在紙上玩桌遊，
13:41
and call out their plays
through their meal slots --
through their meal slots --
239
809451
2961
透過送餐的小洞口喊出
他們的下一步棋——
他們的下一步棋——
13:45
a testament to the incredible tenacity
of the human spirit
of the human spirit
240
813474
5905
證明了人類精神的堅韌，
13:51
and our ability to adapt with creativity.
241
819403
3622
以及我們透過創意來適應的能力。
13:56
And my last stop was in Florida,
242
824426
1936
我的最後一站是佛羅里達州，
13:58
to see that teenage girl
who'd sent me all those emojis.
who'd sent me all those emojis.
243
826386
3487
去拜訪寫給我一堆
表情符號的青少女。
表情符號的青少女。
14:02
Her name is Unique, which is perfect,
244
830585
3142
她的名字很完美，
叫做尤妮克（獨特），
叫做尤妮克（獨特），
14:05
because she's the most luminous,
curious person I've ever met.
curious person I've ever met.
245
833751
4168
因為她是我所見過最光芒四射、
最有好奇心的人。
最有好奇心的人。
14:10
I asked her what she wants
to do next and she said,
to do next and she said,
246
838831
2930
我問她，她接下來
想要做什麼，她說：
想要做什麼，她說：
14:13
"I want to go to college and travel
247
841785
1889
「我想要讀大學，去旅行，
14:15
and eat weird foods like octopus
that I've never tasted before
that I've never tasted before
248
843698
3133
吃我以前從來沒有嚐過的
怪異食物，像章魚，
怪異食物，像章魚，
14:18
and come visit you in New York
249
846855
1520
以及到紐約拜訪你，
14:20
and go camping, but I'm scared of bugs,
250
848399
1904
然後去露營，但我很怕蟲子，
14:22
but I still want to go camping."
251
850327
1720
但我仍然想要去露營。」
14:25
I was in awe of her,
252
853768
2428
她讓我很敬佩，
14:28
that she could be so optimistic
and so full of plans for the future,
and so full of plans for the future,
253
856220
5270
她能如此樂觀，
對未來有滿滿的計畫，
對未來有滿滿的計畫，
14:33
given everything she'd been through.
254
861514
1917
且是在她經歷過這麼多病苦之後。
14:36
But as Unique showed me,
255
864180
1675
但尤妮克讓我看到的是，
14:37
it is far more radical
and dangerous to have hope
and dangerous to have hope
256
865879
4857
擁有希望，比起活在恐懼中，
遠遠來得更激進、更危險。
遠遠來得更激進、更危險。
14:42
than to live hemmed in by fear.
257
870760
2066
14:46
But the most important thing
I learned on that road trip
I learned on that road trip
258
874699
4381
但，我從這次公路之旅
所學到最重要的一課，
所學到最重要的一課，
14:51
is that the divide between
the sick and the well --
the sick and the well --
259
879104
4179
就是生病和健康之間的劃分——
14:55
it doesn't exist.
260
883307
1373
並不存在。
14:57
The border is porous.
261
885149
2126
這條界線是能滲透的。
14:59
As we live longer and longer,
262
887585
2365
隨著我們越活越久，
15:01
surviving illnesses and injuries
that would have killed our grandparents,
that would have killed our grandparents,
263
889974
3857
從可能會讓我們祖父母，甚至父母
致命的疾病和傷害中存活下來，
15:05
even our parents,
264
893855
1325
15:07
the vast majority of us will travel
back and forth between these realms,
back and forth between these realms,
265
895204
4728
我們大部分人都會
在這兩邊之間來來回回，
在這兩邊之間來來回回，
15:11
spending much of our lives
somewhere between the two.
somewhere between the two.
266
899956
3397
我們一生大部分的時間，
都會待在兩邊之間。
都會待在兩邊之間。
15:16
These are the terms of our existence.
267
904059
3103
這些，就是我們存在的條件。
15:20
Now, I wish I could say
that since coming home from my road trip,
that since coming home from my road trip,
268
908228
4198
我也希望我能夠說，
從我的公路之旅回來之後，
從我的公路之旅回來之後，
15:24
I feel fully healed.
269
912450
2127
我就完全被治癒了。
15:26
I don't.
270
914601
1150
但並沒有。
15:28
But once I stopped expecting myself
271
916601
2626
但一旦我不再期望我自己
15:31
to return to the person
I'd been pre-diagnosis,
I'd been pre-diagnosis,
272
919251
3978
回到我過去被診斷前的那個人，
15:35
once I learned to accept my body
and its limitations,
and its limitations,
273
923253
5104
一旦我學會接受
我的身體和它的限制，
我的身體和它的限制，
15:40
I actually did start to feel better.
274
928381
2232
我就真的開始感覺比較好了。
15:43
And in the end, I think that's the trick:
275
931405
3849
最終，我想這就是關鍵吧：
15:47
to stop seeing our health as binary,
276
935278
3520
不要把我們的健康視為是二元的，
15:50
between sick and healthy,
277
938822
1687
只分成生病跟健康，
15:52
well and unwell,
278
940533
1503
好跟不好，
15:54
whole and broken;
279
942060
1698
完整跟破碎；
15:55
to stop thinking that there's some
beautiful, perfect state of wellness
beautiful, perfect state of wellness
280
943782
4440
不要再認為有某種美麗、
完美的健康狀態
完美的健康狀態
16:00
to strive for;
281
948246
1542
要努力去追求；
16:01
and to quit living in a state
of constant dissatisfaction
of constant dissatisfaction
282
949812
3883
不要再用一種沒達到這個目標
就不能滿足的狀態來過日子。
16:05
until we reach it.
283
953719
1346
16:08
Every single one of us
will have our life interrupted,
will have our life interrupted,
284
956605
5739
我們每一個人，都會遇到
人生被打斷的時候，
人生被打斷的時候，
16:14
whether it's by the rip cord
of a diagnosis
of a diagnosis
285
962368
2206
不論是因為被診斷結果撕裂，
16:16
or some other kind of heartbreak
or trauma that brings us to the floor.
or trauma that brings us to the floor.
286
964598
4440
或某種心碎或創傷讓我們陷入谷底。
16:22
We need to find ways to live
in the in-between place,
in the in-between place,
287
970384
5138
我們得要找到在
中間地帶生活的方法，
中間地帶生活的方法，
16:27
managing whatever body
and mind we currently have.
and mind we currently have.
288
975546
4119
盡量去應用我們現有的身和心，
不論它們的狀況如何。
不論它們的狀況如何。
16:32
Sometimes, all it takes is the ingenuity
of a handmade game of Scrabble
of a handmade game of Scrabble
289
980776
6630
有時，需要的就只是
手製拼字遊戲的巧思，
手製拼字遊戲的巧思，
16:39
or finding that stripped-down
kind of meaning in the love of family
kind of meaning in the love of family
290
987430
4222
在家人的愛當中
16:43
and a night on the ballroom dance floor,
291
991676
2592
和在舞池地板上的夜晚，
16:46
or that radical, dangerous hope
292
994292
2920
或是那個激進、危險的希望
找到最根本的意義，
找到最根本的意義，
16:49
that I'm guessing will someday
lead a teenage girl terrified of bugs
lead a teenage girl terrified of bugs
293
997236
4121
我想可能有一天，這樣的希望
會引領一名害怕蟲子的青少女
會引領一名害怕蟲子的青少女
16:53
to go camping.
294
1001381
1150
去露營。
16:55
If you're able to do that,
295
1003832
1865
如果你能做到這些，
16:57
then you've taken the real hero's journey.
296
1005721
3920
那麼你就已經完成了
真正的英雄之旅。
真正的英雄之旅。
17:01
You've achieved what it means
to actually be well,
to actually be well,
297
1009665
4380
你已經達成了真正健康的意義，
17:06
which is to say: alive, in the messiest,
richest, most whole sense.
richest, most whole sense.
298
1014069
6661
也就是：在最混亂、最豐富、
最完整的意義上，活著。
最完整的意義上，活著。
17:13
Thank you, that's all I've got.
299
1021173
1750
謝謝！我要講的就是這些了。
17:14
(Applause)
300
1022947
2762
（掌聲）
17:17
Thank you.
301
1025733
1156
謝謝！
17:18
(Applause)
302
1026913
3182
（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Suleika Jaouad - Writer, teacher, activistWriter Suleika Jaouad is changing the conversation about what it means to thrive in the wake of illness and life's unexpected interruptions.
Why you should listen
When Suleika Jaouad finally walked out of the hospital -- after countless rounds of chemo, a lifesaving clinical trial and a bone marrow transplant -- she was, according to the doctors, "cured." But as she would soon learn, a cure is not where the work of healing ends; it's where it begins. She set out on a 100-day, 15,000-mile road trip across the country to meet some of the people who had written to her during her time in the hospital. Her extraordinary journey resulted in her debut memoir, Between Two Kingdoms.
Jaouad is an Emmy-winning journalist, author, teacher and activist. Her career aspirations as a foreign correspondent were cut short when, at age 22, she was diagnosed with leukemia. She began writing the acclaimed New York Times column and video series "Life, Interrupted" from the front lines of her hospital bed and has since become a fierce advocate for those living with illness and other forms of adversity.
Jaouad served on Barack Obama's Presidential Cancer Panel, and her advocacy work, public speaking and reporting have brought her everywhere from the United Nations and Capitol Hill to a maximum security prison and a two-room schoolhouse in rural Montana.
Suleika Jaouad | Speaker | TED.com