TEDNYC
Amy Green: A video game to cope with grief
艾米·格林: 一款体验悲痛的游戏
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1,614,279 views
当艾米·格林的幼子被诊断出罕见脑瘤，她为他的兄弟们讲述了一个跟癌症斗争的床边故事。故事最后做成了一款游戏，“巨龙；癌症”，这是一段玩家不可能赢的游戏。在这次有关失去的温馨演讲中，艾米将快乐和玩耍带入悲剧故事的情景。“我们做了一款很难玩下去的游戏，”她说，“因为我们生命中最艰难的时光改变了我们，让我们成就自我。”
Amy Green - Video game designer
Amy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories. Full bio
Amy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
Two months ago, my kids and I
huddled around a cell phone
huddled around a cell phone
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两月前，我和孩子们围着一个手机
观看 Game Awards 直播，
00:17
watching the live stream
of the Game Awards,
of the Game Awards,
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这是视频游戏行业的年度盛事之一。
00:19
one of the video game
industry's biggest nights.
industry's biggest nights.
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他们宣布了年度
最有影响力的游戏提名，
最有影响力的游戏提名，
00:22
They announced the nominees
for the Game for Impact,
for the Game for Impact,
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该奖项颁发给那些触动思想的游戏，
00:26
an award that's given
to a thought-provoking video game
to a thought-provoking video game
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引发了显著的积极的社会影响。
00:29
with a profound prosocial
message or meaning.
message or meaning.
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他们打开了信封，
00:32
They opened the envelope
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念出了我们的游戏的名字。
00:34
and they read the title of our video game.
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最具……
00:37
An award ...
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影响力奖。
00:39
for impact.
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实际上想想非常好玩，
00:41
It was almost funny, actually,
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因为我一直觉得赢得这样一个奖项
00:42
because I always thought
that winning an award like that
that winning an award like that
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会对我的生活产生巨大的影响。
00:45
would have this huge impact on my life,
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但是我发现恰恰相反。
00:48
but I found that the opposite is true.
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00:51
The big nights,
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那个夜晚，
这些成就——
00:53
the accomplishments --
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都消退了。
00:55
they fade.
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真正难忘的是那些最艰难的时光，
00:57
But the hardest nights of my life
have stuck with me,
have stuck with me,
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影响了我对自我的定义，
01:00
impacting who I am
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也改变了我的行为方式。
01:02
and what I do.
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01:05
In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed
with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.
with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.
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2010年我的第三个儿子Joel被诊断出
一种罕见的、严重的脑瘤。
一种罕见的、严重的脑瘤。
01:12
And before that year was finished,
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那年年底的时候，
医生坐在我和我丈夫的身边
01:14
doctors sat my husband and I down
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告诉我们Joel的脑瘤复发了，
01:17
and let us know
that his tumor had returned
that his tumor had returned
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即使用最激进的放疗和
化疗方法也无济于事。
化疗方法也无济于事。
01:20
despite the most aggressive chemotherapy
and radiation that they could offer him.
and radiation that they could offer him.
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01:26
On that terrible night,
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那个可怕的夜晚，
当我们知道Joel可能
只有四个月时间之后，
只有四个月时间之后，
01:28
after learning that Joel
had perhaps four months to live,
had perhaps four months to live,
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在我哄我另外两个孩子睡觉的时候——
01:32
I cuddled up with
my two older sons in bed --
my two older sons in bed --
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他们那时分别是五岁和三岁——
01:35
they were five and three at the time --
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我真的不知道他们能够理解多少，
01:37
and I never really knew
how much they understood,
how much they understood,
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所以我用床边故事的方式开始讲述。
01:40
so I started telling them a bedtime story.
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我讲述故事的主人公
是一个叫Joel的勇士，
是一个叫Joel的勇士，
01:44
I told them about this
very brave knight named Joel
very brave knight named Joel
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他的历险故事是去战胜一头可怕的
叫做癌症的巨龙。
叫做癌症的巨龙。
01:48
and his adventure fighting
a terrible dragon called cancer.
a terrible dragon called cancer.
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01:53
Every night, I told them
more of the story,
more of the story,
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每天晚上我都把故事多讲述一点，
但是我从未想过要结束这个故事。
01:56
but I never let the story end.
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我创造了一个世界，让他们能够理解
01:58
I was just building up a context
that they could understand
that they could understand
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并且希望我们的祈祷能够被应许，
02:02
and hoping that our prayers
would be answered
would be answered
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我永远不会告诉孩子们那个骑士，
02:04
and I would never
have to tell them that that knight,
have to tell them that that knight,
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那个勇敢拼搏的骑士
02:06
who had fought so bravely,
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已经尽力了，
02:09
was done fighting
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现在可以永远的安息。
02:10
and could rest now, forever.
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02:14
Fortunately, I never did have to
finish that bedtime story.
finish that bedtime story.
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幸运的是我不需要结束
这个床边故事。
这个床边故事。
我的孩子们已经长大了。
02:18
My children outgrew it.
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Joel的治疗效果
超出了所有人的预期，
超出了所有人的预期，
02:21
Joel responded better than anyone expected
to palliative treatment,
to palliative treatment,
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他坚持了不止几个月，
02:25
and so instead of months,
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而是几年的时间让我们学会
如何全身心的和他相处。
如何全身心的和他相处。
02:26
we spent years learning how to love
our dying child with all of our hearts.
our dying child with all of our hearts.
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02:34
Learning to recognize
that shameful feeling
that shameful feeling
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我们学会了正视自己的
让人惭愧的心态，
让人惭愧的心态，
希望能够爱得有所保留，
02:36
of holding back just a little love
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这样在漫长的告别的道路上
02:39
to try to spare ourselves
just a little pain
just a little pain
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留给我们的痛苦就会少一些。
02:42
somewhere further down the road.
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02:45
We pushed past that self-preservation
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我们克服了那种爱的保留，
因为Joel值得我们去爱，
即使我们可能因此崩溃。
即使我们可能因此崩溃。
02:48
because Joel was worth loving
even if that love could crush us.
even if that love could crush us.
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02:54
And that lesson of intense
vulnerability has changed me ...
vulnerability has changed me ...
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这种强烈的脆弱感改变了我——
02:59
more than any award ever could.
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这是任何奖项都做不到的。
03:02
We started living like Joel could live,
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我们开始按照Joel可能的方式来生活，
同时我们开始开发一款视频游戏，
叫做“巨龙：癌症”。
叫做“巨龙：癌症”。
03:05
and we began developing a video game
called "That Dragon, Cancer."
called "That Dragon, Cancer."
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这是Joel的故事。
03:11
It was the story of Joel.
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这是一个在死亡阴影下追寻希望的故事。
03:14
It was the story of hope
in the shadow of death.
in the shadow of death.
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故事里有信念
03:18
It was the story of faith
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03:20
and doubt,
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和动摇，
以及意识到跟动摇做抗争
也是信念的一部分——
也是信念的一部分——
03:22
and the realization that a wrestle
with doubt is a part of faith --
with doubt is a part of faith --
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03:28
maybe the biggest part of it.
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可能是最重要的一部分。
03:30
It was a story that began as a miracle
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这个故事从一个奇迹开始，
以一座纪念碑结束。
03:34
and ended as a memorial.
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03:37
(Music)
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（音乐）
（婴儿笑声）
03:39
(Giggle)
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（拍手）
03:41
(Clapping)
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（音乐）
03:42
(Music)
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（视频）爸爸：跳一跳～喜欢么？
03:46
(Video) Dad: Bouncing around,
do you like that?
do you like that?
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（咯咯笑）
03:49
(Giggle)
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我喜欢你咯咯笑。
03:50
I love your giggle.
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（音乐）
03:51
(Music)
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03:58
(Giggle)
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（咯咯笑）
04:01
[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]
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[这是一段在死亡阴影下追寻希望的旅程]
04:07
[That Dragon, Cancer]
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[巨龙，癌症]
（音乐）
04:10
(Music)
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当你玩“巨龙，癌症”这个游戏的时候，
04:15
When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"
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你变成了Joel一生的见证者，
04:17
you're transformed
into a witness of Joel's life,
into a witness of Joel's life,
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进入了我们的情感空间进行探索，
04:21
exploring an emotional landscape,
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通过点击发现更多我们做为一个家庭
感受和体验到的（情感）。
感受和体验到的（情感）。
04:23
clicking to discover more of what
we as a family felt and experienced.
we as a family felt and experienced.
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这有点像是在分析感应诗，
04:29
It feels a little bit
like analyzing interactive poetry
like analyzing interactive poetry
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因为游戏的每个环节都是一个隐喻，
04:33
because every game mechanic is a metaphor,
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当玩家越频繁的好奇
04:36
and so the more the player asks themselves
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游戏设计者的意图，以及原因，
04:38
what we as designers
were trying to express and why,
were trying to express and why,
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玩家的体验就更加丰富。
04:42
the richer the experience becomes.
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04:45
We took that vulnerability
that Joel taught us,
that Joel taught us,
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我们展现了Joel带给我们的脆弱，
并将其嵌入到了游戏中。
04:48
and we encoded the game with it.
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04:51
Players expect their video games
to offer them branching narrative
to offer them branching narrative
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玩家希望游戏能够提供多种剧情，
这样他们的每种选择都显得很重要，
04:55
so that every decision
that they make feels important
that they make feels important
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可以改变游戏的最终结果。
04:58
and can change the outcome of the game.
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我们抛弃了这个游戏设计的原理，
05:01
We subverted that principle
of game design,
of game design,
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将玩家的选择进行了压缩，
05:04
collapsing the choices in on the player
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这样玩家就会发现
05:07
so that they discover for themselves
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无论他们怎么选择，都不会
改变Joel的命运。
改变Joel的命运。
05:09
that there is nothing that they can do
that will change the outcome for Joel.
that will change the outcome for Joel.
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05:14
And they feel that discovery
as deeply and desperately as we felt it
as deeply and desperately as we felt it
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当玩家意识到的时候，他们会
感受到我们当时深深的绝望，
感受到我们当时深深的绝望，
无数夜晚我们将Joel拥在怀中，
不停的祈祷，
不停的祈祷，
05:20
on nights when we held Joel
in our arms praying for hours,
in our arms praying for hours,
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固执地希望奇迹能够发生，
即使我们知道不会。
即使我们知道不会。
05:24
stubbornly holding out hope for a grace
that we could not create for ourselves.
that we could not create for ourselves.
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我们都希望赢，
05:30
We'd all prefer to win,
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但是如果你发现根本赢不了的时候，
05:33
but when you discover that you can't win,
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你会追求什么呢？
05:36
what do you value instead?
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05:39
I never planned to write video games,
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我从来没有想过要做这款游戏，
但是那些时光真的改变了我们的生活，
05:41
but these moments
that really change our lives,
that really change our lives,
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改变我们的往往是我们最困难的时光
——而不是最荣耀的时刻。
——而不是最荣耀的时刻。
05:44
they often come as the result
of our hardship -- and not our glory.
of our hardship -- and not our glory.
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05:49
When we thought that Joel could live,
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当我们认为Joel可以挺过去时，
我将游戏的设计工作
转交给了我的丈夫。
转交给了我的丈夫。
05:51
I left the game designing to my husband.
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我只是提一些思路,
05:53
I chimed in here and there
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构思一两个场景并提一些建议。
05:55
with a scene or two and some suggestions.
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但是当那晚Joel离去之后，
05:58
But after the night that Joel died,
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06:02
the passion,
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这股动力，
将Joel的生活融入
我们的游戏的可能——
我们的游戏的可能——
06:03
the possibility of sharing Joel's life
through our video game --
through our video game --
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这是我觉得必须要去做的。
06:08
it was something that I couldn't resist.
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我开始更积极的参与，
06:10
I started writing more,
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我参加团队的设计讨论会，
06:11
I sat in on our team's design meetings,
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我提供了更多的想法
并指导了多个场景。
并指导了多个场景。
06:14
I added more ideas
and I helped direct scenes.
and I helped direct scenes.
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我发现做视频游戏就是在讲述故事，
06:17
And I discovered that creating
a video game is telling a story,
a video game is telling a story,
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只不过用完全不同的词汇。
06:22
but with an entirely new vocabulary.
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想象力和表现形式的
基本元素都是一致的，
基本元素都是一致的，
06:24
All the same elements of imagination
and symbolism are there,
and symbolism are there,
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但是需要融入到游戏角色的设计
06:30
but they're just partnered
with player agency
with player agency
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和整体的感染力中。
06:33
and system responsiveness.
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06:36
It's challenging work.
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挑战性非常大。
我需要用全新的思维方式去做，
06:37
I have to think
in a totally new way to do it,
in a totally new way to do it,
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但是我喜欢。
06:40
but I love it.
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没有Joel我无法接触到这些。
06:42
And I wouldn't have known
that without Joel.
that without Joel.
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可能你们会有些吃惊，
06:46
Maybe you're a little surprised
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我们会选择在视频游戏中
分享晚期癌症的故事。
分享晚期癌症的故事。
06:48
by our choice to share our story
of terminal cancer through a video game.
of terminal cancer through a video game.
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06:54
Perhaps you're even thinking
like so many people before you:
like so many people before you:
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或许你现在想的
跟之前很多人想的一样：
跟之前很多人想的一样：
癌症不是儿戏。
06:57
cancer is not a game.
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07:01
Well, tell that
to any pediatric cancer parent
to any pediatric cancer parent
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但是对于任何
子女得了癌症的父母而言，
子女得了癌症的父母而言，
他们可能会把医疗手套吹成个大气球，
07:03
that's ever taken an exam glove
and blown it up into a balloon,
and blown it up into a balloon,
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可能用注射器做一个火箭飞船，
07:07
or transformed a syringe
into a rocket ship,
into a rocket ship,
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或是让他们的孩子骑在
静脉注射架上，在医院走廊上玩，
静脉注射架上，在医院走廊上玩，
07:10
or let their child ride their IV pole
through the hospital halls
through the hospital halls
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就像赛车一样。
07:14
like it was a race car.
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07:16
Because when you have children,
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因为当你有了孩子的时候，
做任何事都会变成游戏。
07:19
everything is a game.
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07:21
And when your young child
experiences something traumatic,
experiences something traumatic,
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尤其是当你的孩子
需要忍受痛苦的时候，
需要忍受痛苦的时候，
你会更加努力的
把这个过程做得更像是游戏，
把这个过程做得更像是游戏，
07:25
you work even harder to make sure
that their life feels like a game
that their life feels like a game
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因为孩子天生是
通过游戏来理解这个世界的。
通过游戏来理解这个世界的。
07:29
because children naturally
explore their worlds through play.
explore their worlds through play.
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07:34
While cancer can steal
many things from a family,
many things from a family,
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癌症会从家庭中偷走很多东西，
玩耍不应该被偷走。
07:37
it shouldn't steal play.
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07:39
If you're listening to me
and you're trying to imagine this family
and you're trying to imagine this family
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如果你听我讲述的时候，
想象这个家庭，
想象这个家庭，
当你想象一个将死的孩子
周围的一切，
周围的一切，
07:43
that revolves entirely
around a dying child,
around a dying child,
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但你想象的画面中
没有快乐，
没有快乐，
07:47
and you can't imagine joy
as part of that picture,
as part of that picture,
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那么跟你分享我们的故事就很正确了，
07:51
then we were right
to share our story with you,
to share our story with you,
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因为那个时候我们的生活非常艰难。
07:54
because that season of our life was hard.
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无法言表的艰难，
07:58
Unspeakably hard at times,
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08:01
but it was also pure hope,
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但是也有纯粹的希望，
08:04
deep love
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深刻的爱，
和我从未体验过的快乐。
08:05
and joy like I have never
experienced since.
experienced since.
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08:09
Our video game was our attempt
to share that world
to share that world
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我们的游戏希望分享我们经历的故事
给那些从未体验过的人，
08:13
with people who hadn't
experienced it before,
experienced it before,
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因为我们在亲身经历之前
也从未想象过。
也从未想象过。
08:16
because we never could imagine
that world until it became ours.
that world until it became ours.
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08:21
We made a video game that's hard to play.
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我们的游戏玩起来很难。
08:25
It will never be a blockbuster.
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它永远不会成为畅销游戏。
人们玩之前需要做好投入情感的准备，
08:27
People have to prepare themselves
to invest emotionally
to invest emotionally
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他们知道这个游戏将会让人心碎。
08:31
in a story that they know
will break their hearts.
will break their hearts.
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08:35
But when our hearts break,
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但是当我们心碎了，
愈合之后的心会有些许的不同。
08:38
they heal a little differently.
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08:42
My broken heart has been healing
with a new and a deeper compassion --
with a new and a deeper compassion --
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一种新的和深刻的热情
治愈了我的伤痛——
治愈了我的伤痛——
我乐于坐在经历痛苦的人们身边，
08:46
a desire to sit with people in their pain,
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倾听他们的故事，尽力帮助他们，
08:49
to hear their stories
and try to help tell them
and try to help tell them
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让他们知道自己并不孤独。
08:52
so that they know that they're seen.
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08:56
On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer"
won the Game for Impact Award,
won the Game for Impact Award,
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在“巨龙：癌症”赢得最具影响力
大奖的那个晚上，
大奖的那个晚上，
我们举杯庆祝，
09:00
we cheered,
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我们笑着聊起Joel，
09:02
we smiled and we talked about Joel
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以及他对我们的生活的影响——
09:05
and the impact he had on our life --
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那些一起度过的艰难
又充满希望的夜晚，
又充满希望的夜晚，
09:07
on all of those hard and hopeful nights
that we shared with him
that we shared with him
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那些他改变了我们，
09:12
when he changed our hearts
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并且教会了我们那么多
爱与信念的人生哲理。
爱与信念的人生哲理。
09:13
and taught us so much more
about life and love and faith and purpose.
about life and love and faith and purpose.
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09:20
That award will never mean as much to me
as even a single photograph of my son,
as even a single photograph of my son,
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那个奖项对我的分量远不及
我孩子的一张照片，
我孩子的一张照片，
09:27
but it does represent all of the people
who his life has impacted,
who his life has impacted,
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但是它代表了所有那些
生活被改变了的人，
生活被改变了的人，
那些我从未谋面的人。
09:31
people I'll never meet.
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有时我会收到他们的邮件。
09:34
They write me emails sometimes.
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他们说他们想念Joel，
即使从未见过他。
即使从未见过他。
09:36
They tell me that they miss Joel,
even though they never met him.
even though they never met him.
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他们跟我讲述他们为我的孩子流泪了，
09:42
They describe the tears
that they've shed for my son,
that they've shed for my son,
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当我听到这些，
我承受的悲伤会减轻一些，
我承受的悲伤会减轻一些，
09:47
and it makes my burden of grief
just a little bit lighter
just a little bit lighter
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当我知道一个10岁的孩子
通过youtube视频
通过youtube视频
09:51
knowing that it's shared
with a 10-year-old
with a 10-year-old
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分享了这个故事，
09:53
watching a YouTube playthrough,
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或是一个医生在飞机上
用手机玩了这个游戏，
用手机玩了这个游戏，
09:55
or a doctor playing on his airplane
with a smartphone,
with a smartphone,
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又或者听到一位教授向他的
一年级的新生介绍了Joel。
一年级的新生介绍了Joel。
10:00
or a professor introducing Joel
to her first-year philosophy students.
to her first-year philosophy students.
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10:06
We made a video game that's hard to play.
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我们制作了一款很难玩的游戏。
10:11
But that feels just right to me,
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但是这正是我想要的，
因为我们生命中最艰难的时光
10:14
because the hardest moments of our lives
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改变了我们，让我们达到了
未有过的成就。
未有过的成就。
10:16
change us more than any goal
we could ever accomplish.
we could ever accomplish.
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10:21
Tragedy has shifted my heart
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悲剧改变了我的心扉，
让我从未想象过的梦得以成真。
10:24
more than any dream
I could ever see come true.
I could ever see come true.
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10:28
Thank you.
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谢谢。
（掌声）
10:29
(Applause)
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Translated by Psycho Decoder
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Amy Green - Video game designerAmy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories.
Why you should listen
Amy Green writes and designs video games for Numinous Games, whose first title, That Dragon, Cancer, was an intimate autobiography of the life and death of her son Joel Green. Along with her husband and a team of six other developers, she used a video game to artistically portray the surreal emotional landscape of raising a child with a terminal illness. In May 2017, the Peabody Media Center and the University of Georgia awarded That Dragon, Cancer a Peabody-Facebook Futures of Media Award for Best Video Game.
Green's current project, Untethered, is an episodic virtual reality mystery that allows the player to speak out loud to the characters within the game. These characters speak back to the player, including the player as an integral character in the quirky story that is being told in the game.
Green's work with Numinous Games has been recognized by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts, South by Southwest, Games for Change, the Independent Game Developers Association, the Game Awards and has been featured in press coverage by the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Wired Magazine, Popular Science, RadioLab, CBS Sunday Morning, the BBC and the Guardian.
Amy Green | Speaker | TED.com