TED2019
Hannah Gadsby: Three ideas. Three contradictions. Or not.
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Hannah Gadsby's groundbreaking special "Nanette" broke comedy. In a talk about truth and purpose, she shares three ideas and three contradictions. Or not.
Hannah Gadsby - Serious comedian
Hannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows. Full bio
Hannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
My name is Hannah.
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And that is a palindrome.
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That is a word you can spell
the same forwards and backwards,
the same forwards and backwards,
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if you can spell.
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But the thing is --
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(Laughter)
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my entire family have palindromic names.
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It's a bit of a tradition.
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We've got Mum, Dad --
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(Laughter)
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Nan, Pop.
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(Laughter)
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And my brother, Kayak.
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(Laughter)
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There you go.
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That's just a bit a joke, there.
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(Laughter)
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I like to kick things off with a joke
because I'm a comedian.
because I'm a comedian.
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Now there's two things
you know about me already:
you know about me already:
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my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.
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I'm wasting no time.
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01:00
Here's a third thing
you can know about me:
you can know about me:
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I don't think I'm qualified
to speak my own mind.
to speak my own mind.
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Bold way to begin a talk, yes,
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but it's true.
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I've always had a great deal of difficulty
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turning my thinking into the talking.
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So it seems a bit
of a contradiction, then,
of a contradiction, then,
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that someone like me,
who is so bad at the chat,
who is so bad at the chat,
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could be something like
a stand-up comedian.
a stand-up comedian.
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But there you go. There you go.
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It's what it is.
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I first tried my hand at stand-up
comedi -- comedie ... See?
comedi -- comedie ... See?
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See? See?
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(Laughter)
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I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy
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in my late 20s,
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and despite being a pathologically shy
virtual mute with low self-esteem
virtual mute with low self-esteem
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who'd never held a microphone before,
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I knew as soon as I walked
and stood in front of the audience,
and stood in front of the audience,
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I knew, before I'd even
landed my first joke,
landed my first joke,
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I knew that I really liked stand-up,
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and stand-up really liked me.
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But for the life of me,
I couldn't work out why.
I couldn't work out why.
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Why is it I could be so good
at doing something I was so bad at?
at doing something I was so bad at?
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(Laughter)
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I just couldn't work it out,
I could not understand it.
I could not understand it.
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That is, until I could.
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Now, before I explain to you why it is
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that I can be good
at something I'm so bad at,
at something I'm so bad at,
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let me throw another spanner
of contradiction into the work
of contradiction into the work
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by telling you that not long after
I worked out why that was,
I worked out why that was,
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I decided to quit comedy.
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And before I explain
that little oppositional cat
that little oppositional cat
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I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,
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let me also tell you this:
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quitting launched my comedy career.
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(Laughter)
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Like, really launched it, to the point
where after quitting comedy,
where after quitting comedy,
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I became the most talked-about
comedian on the planet,
comedian on the planet,
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because apparently, I'm even worse
at making retirement plans
at making retirement plans
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than I am at speaking my own mind.
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03:00
Now, all I've done up until this point
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apart from giving over a spattering
of biographical detail
of biographical detail
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is to tell you indirectly
that I have three ideas
that I have three ideas
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that I want to share with you today.
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And I've done that by way of sharing
three contradictions:
three contradictions:
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one, I am bad at talking,
I am good at talking;
I am good at talking;
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I quit, I did not quit.
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Three ideas, three contradictions.
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Now, if you're wondering
why there's only two things
why there's only two things
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on my so-called list of three --
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(Laughter)
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I remind you it is literally
a list of contradictions.
a list of contradictions.
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Keep up.
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(Laughter)
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Now, the folks at TED advised me
that with a talk of this length,
that with a talk of this length,
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it's best to stick
with just sharing one idea.
with just sharing one idea.
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I said no.
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(Laughter)
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What would they know?
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To explain why I have chosen to ignore
what is clearly very good advice,
what is clearly very good advice,
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I want to take you back
to the beginning of this talk,
to the beginning of this talk,
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specifically, my palindrome joke.
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Now that joke uses my favorite trick
of the comedian trade,
of the comedian trade,
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the rule of three,
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whereby you make a statement
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and then back that statement up
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with a list.
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My entire family have palindromic names:
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Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
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The first two ideas on that list
create a pattern,
create a pattern,
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and that pattern creates expectation.
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And then the third thing -- bam! --
Kayak. What?
Kayak. What?
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That's the rule of three.
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One, two, surprise! Ha ha.
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(Laughter)
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Now, the rule of three is not only
fundamental to the way I do my craft,
fundamental to the way I do my craft,
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it is also fundamental
to the way I communicate.
to the way I communicate.
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So I won't be changing
anything for nobody,
anything for nobody,
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not even TED,
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which, I will point out,
stands for three ideas:
stands for three ideas:
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technology, entertainment
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and dickheads.
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(Laughter)
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Works every time, doesn't it?
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But you need more than just jokes
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to be able to cut it
as a professional comedian.
as a professional comedian.
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You need to be able to walk
that fine line between being charming
that fine line between being charming
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and disarming.
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And I discovered the most effective way
to generate the amount of charm I needed
to generate the amount of charm I needed
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to offset my disarming personality
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was through not jokes but stories.
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So my stand-up routines
are filled with stories:
are filled with stories:
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stories about growing up,
my coming out story,
my coming out story,
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stories about the abuse I've copped
for being not only a woman
for being not only a woman
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but a big woman
and a masculine-of-center woman.
and a masculine-of-center woman.
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If you watch my work online,
check the comments out below
check the comments out below
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for examples of abuse.
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(Laughter)
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It's that time in the talk
where I shift into second gear,
where I shift into second gear,
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and I'm going to tell you a story
about everything I've just said.
about everything I've just said.
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In the last few days of her life,
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my grandma was surrounded by people,
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a lot of people,
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because my grandma
was the loving matriarch
was the loving matriarch
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of a large and loving family.
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Now, if you haven't made
the connection already,
the connection already,
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I am a member of that family.
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I was lucky enough to be able
to say goodbye to my grandma
to say goodbye to my grandma
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on the day she died.
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But as she was already
cocooned within herself by then,
cocooned within herself by then,
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it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
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So I thought about a lot of things,
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things I hadn't thought about
in a long time,
in a long time,
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like the letters I used
to write to my grandma
to write to my grandma
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when I first started university,
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letters I filled with funny
stories and anecdotes
stories and anecdotes
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that I embellished for her amusement.
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And I remembered how I couldn't articulate
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the anxiety and fear that filled me
as I tried to carve my tiny little life
as I tried to carve my tiny little life
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into a world that felt far too big for me.
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But I remembered finding
comfort in those letters,
comfort in those letters,
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because I wrote them
with my grandma in mind.
with my grandma in mind.
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But as the world got
more and more overwhelming
more and more overwhelming
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and my ability to negotiate it
got worse, not better,
got worse, not better,
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I stopped writing those letters.
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I just didn't think I had the life
that Grandma would want to read about.
that Grandma would want to read about.
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Grandma did not know I was gay,
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and about six months before she died,
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out of nowhere, she asked me
if I had a boyfriend.
if I had a boyfriend.
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Now, I remember making
a conscious decision in that moment
a conscious decision in that moment
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not to come out to my grandmother.
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And I did that because I knew her life
was drawing to an end,
was drawing to an end,
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and my time with her was finite,
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and I did not want to talk about
the ways we were different.
the ways we were different.
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I wanted to talk about
the ways were we connected.
the ways were we connected.
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So I changed the subject.
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And at the time, it felt
like the right decision.
like the right decision.
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But as I sat witness
to my grandmother's life
to my grandmother's life
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as it tapered to its inevitable end,
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I couldn't help but feel
I'd made a mistake
I'd made a mistake
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not to share such a significant
part of my life.
part of my life.
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But I also knew that
I'd missed my opportunity,
I'd missed my opportunity,
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and as Grandma always used to say,
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"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.
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Too late to take the onions out now."
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(Laughter)
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And I thought about that,
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and I thought about how
I had to deal with too many onions
I had to deal with too many onions
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as a kid,
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growing up gay in a state
where homosexuality was illegal.
where homosexuality was illegal.
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And with that thought,
I could see how tightly wrapped
I could see how tightly wrapped
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in the tendrils of my own
internalized shame I was.
internalized shame I was.
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And with that, I thought
about all my traumas:
about all my traumas:
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the violence, the abuse, my rape.
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And with all that cluster of thinking,
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a thought, a question,
kept popping into my mind
kept popping into my mind
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to which I had no answer:
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What is the purpose of my human?
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Out of anyone in my family,
I felt the most akin to my grandmother.
I felt the most akin to my grandmother.
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I mean, we share the most
traits in common.
traits in common.
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Not so much these days.
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Death really changes people.
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But that --
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(Laughter)
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is my grandmother's sense of humor.
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But the person I felt
most akin to in the world
most akin to in the world
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was a mother, a grandmother,
a great-grandmother,
a great-grandmother,
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a great-great-grandmother.
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Me? I represented the very end
of my branch of the family tree.
of my branch of the family tree.
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And I wasn't entirely sure
I was still connected to the trunk.
I was still connected to the trunk.
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What was the purpose of my human?
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The year after my grandmother's death
was the most intensely creative
was the most intensely creative
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of my life.
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And I suppose that's because,
at an end, my thoughts gather
at an end, my thoughts gather
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more than they scatter.
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My thought process is not linear.
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I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
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I don't have a photographic memory,
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and nor is my head a static gallery
of sensibly collected think pieces.
of sensibly collected think pieces.
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It's more that I've got this ever-evolving
language of hieroglyphics
language of hieroglyphics
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that I've developed
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and can understand fluently
and think deeply with.
and think deeply with.
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but I struggle to translate.
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I can't paint, draw, sculpt,
or even haberdash,
or even haberdash,
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and as for the written word,
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I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous
process of translation,
process of translation,
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and I don't feel it does the job.
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And as far as speaking my own mind,
like I said, I'm not great at it.
like I said, I'm not great at it.
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Speech has always felt
like an inadequate freeze-frame
like an inadequate freeze-frame
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for the life inside of me.
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All this to say,
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I've always understood far more
than I've ever been able to communicate.
than I've ever been able to communicate.
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Now, about a year before Grandma died,
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I was formally diagnosed with autism.
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Now for me, that was mostly good news.
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I always thought that I couldn't
sort my life out like a normal person
sort my life out like a normal person
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because I was depressed and anxious.
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But it turns out
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I was depressed and anxious
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because I couldn't sort my life out
like a normal person,
like a normal person,
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because I was not a normal person,
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and I didn't know it.
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Now, this is not to say
I still don't struggle.
I still don't struggle.
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Every day is a bit of a struggle,
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to be honest.
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But at least now I know
what my struggle is,
what my struggle is,
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and getting to the starting line
of normal is not it.
of normal is not it.
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My struggle is not to escape the storm.
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My struggle is to find the eye
of the storm as best I can.
of the storm as best I can.
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Now, apart from the usual way
us spectrum types find our calm --
us spectrum types find our calm --
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repetitive behaviors, routine
and obsessive thinking --
and obsessive thinking --
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I have another surprising doorway
into the eye of the storm:
into the eye of the storm:
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stand-up comedy.
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And if you need any more proof
I'm neurodivergent, yes,
I'm neurodivergent, yes,
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I am calm doing a thing
that scares the hell out of most people.
that scares the hell out of most people.
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I'm almost dead inside up here.
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(Laughter)
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Diagnosis gave me a framework
on which to hang bits of me
on which to hang bits of me
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I could never understand.
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My misfit suddenly had a fit,
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and for a while, I got giddy
with a newfound confidence
with a newfound confidence
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I had in my thinking.
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But after Grandma died,
that confidence took a dive,
that confidence took a dive,
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because thinking is how I grieve.
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And in that grief of thought,
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I could suddenly see with so much clarity
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just how profoundly isolated I was
and always had been.
and always had been.
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What was the purpose of my human?
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I began to think a lot about how autism
and PTSD have so much in common.
and PTSD have so much in common.
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And I started to worry,
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because I had both.
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Could I ever untangle them?
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I'd always been told
that the way out of trauma
that the way out of trauma
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was through a cohesive narrative.
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I had a cohesive narrative,
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but I was still at the mercy
of my traumas.
of my traumas.
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They're all part of my soup,
but the onions still stung.
but the onions still stung.
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And at that point, I realized
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that I'd been telling
my stories for laughs.
my stories for laughs.
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I'd been trimming away the darkness,
cutting away the pain
cutting away the pain
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and holding on to my trauma
for the comfort of my audience.
for the comfort of my audience.
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I was connecting
other people through laughs,
other people through laughs,
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yet I remained profoundly disconnected.
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What was the purpose of my human?
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I did not have an answer,
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but I had an idea.
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I had an idea to tell my truth,
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all of it,
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not to share laughs but to share
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
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13:23
And I thought the best way to do that
would be through a comedy show.
would be through a comedy show.
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And that is what I did.
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I wrote a comedy show
that did not respect the punchline,
that did not respect the punchline,
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13:31
that line where comedians are expected
and trusted to pull their punches
and trusted to pull their punches
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and turn them into tickles.
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I did not stop.
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I punched through that line
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into the metaphorical guts of my audience.
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I did not want to make them laugh.
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I wanted to take their breath away,
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13:49
to shock them,
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so they could listen to my story
and hold my pain
and hold my pain
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13:54
as individuals, not
as a mindless, laughing mob.
as a mindless, laughing mob.
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13:58
And that's what I did,
and I called that show "Nanette."
and I called that show "Nanette."
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14:02
Now, many --
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(Applause)
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Now, many have argued
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14:11
that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.
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14:14
And while I can agree "Nanette"
is definitely not a comedy show,
is definitely not a comedy show,
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14:19
those people are still wrong --
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(Laughter)
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because they have framed their argument
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14:24
as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.
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I did not fail to do comedy.
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14:32
I took everything I knew about comedy --
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14:35
all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --
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14:38
I took all that, and with it,
I broke comedy.
I broke comedy.
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14:42
You cannot break comedy with comedy
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14:44
if you fail at comedy.
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14:47
Flaccid be thy hammer.
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(Laughter) (Applause)
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That was not my point.
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14:57
The point was not simply to break comedy.
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15:01
The point was to break comedy
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,
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15:05
reform it into something
that could better hold everything
that could better hold everything
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15:09
I needed to share,
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15:11
and that is what I meant
when I said I quit comedy.
when I said I quit comedy.
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15:16
Now, it's probably at this point
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,
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15:20
but what are the three ideas, exactly?
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15:22
It's a bit vague."
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I'm glad I pretended you asked.
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15:26
(Laughter)
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Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you
who have already identified three ideas.
who have already identified three ideas.
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15:36
A smart crowd, by all accounts,
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15:39
so I wouldn't be surprised at all.
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15:41
But you might be surprised to find out
that I don't have three ideas.
that I don't have three ideas.
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15:45
I told you I had three ideas,
and that was a lie.
and that was a lie.
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15:48
That was pure misdirection --
I'm very funny.
I'm very funny.
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15:51
What I've done instead is I've taken
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,
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15:58
and I've scattered them
all throughout my talk.
all throughout my talk.
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16:02
And why did I do that?
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Well, apart from shits and giggles,
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16:06
it comes down to something
my grandma always used to say.
my grandma always used to say.
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"It's not the garden,
it's the gardening that counts."
it's the gardening that counts."
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16:16
And "Nanette" taught me
the truth to that truism.
the truth to that truism.
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16:20
I fully expected by breaking
the contract of comedy
the contract of comedy
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16:23
and telling my story
in all its truth and pain
in all its truth and pain
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16:28
that that would push me further
into the margins of both life and art.
into the margins of both life and art.
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16:33
I expected that, and I was willing to pay
that cost in order to tell my truth.
that cost in order to tell my truth.
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16:40
But that is not what happened.
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The world did not push me away.
It pulled me closer.
It pulled me closer.
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16:47
Through an act of disconnection,
I found connection.
I found connection.
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16:51
And it took me a long time to understand
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that what is at the heart
of that contradiction
of that contradiction
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is also at the heart of the contradiction
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as to why I can be so good
at something I am so bad at.
at something I am so bad at.
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17:05
You see, in the real world,
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17:07
I struggle to talk to people
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because my neurodiversity
makes it difficult for me to think,
makes it difficult for me to think,
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17:16
listen, speak and process new information
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17:18
all at the same time.
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But onstage, I don't have to think.
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I prepare my thinks well in advance.
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I don't have to listen. That is your job.
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(Laughter)
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And I don't really have to talk,
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because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.
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17:35
So all that is left
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is for me to do my best
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to make a genuine connection
with my audience.
with my audience.
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17:47
And if the experience of "Nanette"
taught me anything,
taught me anything,
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17:50
it's that connection depends
not just on me.
not just on me.
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You play a part.
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"Nanette" may have begun in me,
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but she now lives and grows
in a whole world of other minds,
in a whole world of other minds,
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18:06
minds I do not share.
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18:08
But I trust I am connected.
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18:12
And in that, she is so much
bigger than me,
bigger than me,
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18:15
just like the purpose of being human
is so much bigger than all of us.
is so much bigger than all of us.
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18:21
Make of that what you will.
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Thank you, and hello.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Hannah Gadsby - Serious comedianHannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows.
Why you should listen
How would Hannah Gadsby describe herself to a teenager at a dinner party? "I am a stand-up comedian from Tasmania. Courtesy of my Netflix special, Nanette, released last year, I have found some rather sudden fame, and I am deeply uncomfortable with so much positive attention. Prior to said special, I had spent a decade or so quietly working my way round the live stand-up circuit in Australia and the UK and had thought of my career as a reasonably successful situation. I am yet to recalibrate my definition of success since the event known as 'said special.'
"I am on the spectrum. I have two dogs whom I love deeply. I enjoy gardening. And I am so sorry you are sitting next to me, teenager."
Gadsby is also on the cast of Please Like Me on Hulu.
Hannah Gadsby | Speaker | TED.com