TED2014
Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar
Jennifer Senior: Sreča je za starše visoka zahteva
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Oddelek s knjigami o starševstvu v knjigarnah je zastrašujoč - po besedah pisateljice Jennifer Senior je "velikanski spomenik v mavričnih barvah bombonov posvečen naši kolektivni paniki." Zakaj je starševstvo zaznamovano s toliko tesnobe? Ker je cilj sodobnih staršev srednjega razreda - vzgojiti srečne otroke - tako izmuzljiv. V svojem odkritem govoru ponuja nekaj prijaznejših in dosegljivejših ciljev.
Jennifer Senior - Writer
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
When I was born,
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Ko sem se rodila jaz,
00:14
there was really only one book
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je bila pravzaprav samo ena knjiga
00:15
about how to raise your children,
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o vzgoji otrok
00:17
and it was written by Dr. Spock.
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in napisal jo je Dr. Spock.
00:20
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:22
Thank you for indulging me.
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Hvala za tole.
00:23
I have always wanted to do that.
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Vedno sem si želela to narediti.
00:27
No, it was Benjamin Spock,
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Ne, bil je Benjamin Spock,
00:29
and his book was called "The Common
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
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in imela je naslov
'Nega in vzgoja otroka'.
'Nega in vzgoja otroka'.
00:33
It sold almost 50 million copies
by the time he died.
by the time he died.
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Do njegove smrti se je prodala
v skoraj 50 milijonih izvodov.
v skoraj 50 milijonih izvodov.
00:39
Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,
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Danes, stopim kot mama šestletnika
00:42
walk into Barnes and Noble,
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v knjigarno Barnes and Noble
00:44
and see this.
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in vidim tole.
00:47
And it is amazing
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In osupljiva je
00:49
the variety that one finds
on those shelves.
on those shelves.
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raznolikost gradiva na tistih policah.
00:52
There are guides to raising
an eco-friendly kid,
an eco-friendly kid,
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Tam so vodniki za vzgojo eko-otroka,
00:57
a gluten-free kid,
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brezglutenskega otroka,
00:59
a disease-proof kid,
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otroka odpornega na bolezni,
01:01
which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.
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kar je, če me vprašate, malce strašljivo.
01:05
There are guides to raising a bilingual kid
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Tam so vodniki za vzgojo
dvojezičnega otroka,
dvojezičnega otroka,
01:08
even if you only speak one language at home.
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čeprav doma govorite le en jezik.
01:11
There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid
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So vodniki za vzgojo
finančno ozaveščenega otroka
finančno ozaveščenega otroka
01:14
and a science-minded kid
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in znanstveno usmerjenega otroka
01:17
and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.
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in otroka, ki obvlada jogo.
01:20
Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse
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Razen vodnika za učenje kako deaktivirati
01:23
a nuclear bomb,
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atomsko bombo
01:25
there is pretty much a guide to everything.
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je praktično na voljo vodnik za vse.
01:31
All of these books are well-intentioned.
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In vse te knjige imajo dober namen.
01:34
I am sure that many of them are great.
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Prepričana sem, da je veliko odličnih.
01:38
But taken together, I am sorry,
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Ampak, res mi je žal, gledano skupaj,
01:42
I do not see help
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v njih ne vidim pomoči,
01:45
when I look at that shelf.
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ko gledam na tisto polico.
01:49
I see anxiety.
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Vidim tesnobo.
01:51
I see a giant candy-colored monument
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Ogromen spomenik v barvah bombonov
01:54
to our collective panic,
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posvečen naši kolektivni paniki,
01:57
and it makes me want to know,
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in ob tem se sprašujem,
01:59
why is it that raising our children
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zakaj je vzgajanje naših otrok
02:02
is associated with so much anguish
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povezano s toliko tesnobe
02:03
and so much confusion?
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in toliko zmede?
02:06
Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens
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Zakaj smo deljeni
02:08
about the one thing human beings
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glede edine reči,
02:11
have been doing successfully for millennia,
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ki smo jo že tisočletja počeli uspešno,
02:13
long before parenting message boards
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davno pred prihodom
starševskih spletnih forumov
starševskih spletnih forumov
02:16
and peer-reviewed studies came along?
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in verodostojnih študij?
02:19
Why is it that so many mothers and fathers
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Zakaj toliko mam in očetov
02:21
experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?
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doživlja starševstvo kot neko krizo?
02:28
Crisis might seem like a strong word,
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Kriza se mogoče zdi močna beseda,
02:30
but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.
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a so podatki, ki kažejo,
da najverjetneje ni.
da najverjetneje ni.
02:33
There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,
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Pravzaprav je bila študija
s prav takim imenom
s prav takim imenom
02:36
"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,
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'Parenthood as Crisis'
objavljena leta 1957,
objavljena leta 1957,
02:40
and in the 50-plus years since,
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in v petdesetih letih po tem
02:42
there has been plenty of scholarship
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je bilo napisanega veliko učenjaškega,
02:45
documenting a pretty clear pattern
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ki dokumentira precej jasen vzorec
02:47
of parental anguish.
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starševske stiske.
02:49
Parents experience more stress than non-parents.
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Starši doživljajo večji stres
kot odrasli, ki niso.
kot odrasli, ki niso.
02:52
Their marital satisfaction is lower.
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Njihovo zadovoljstvo v zakonu je manjše.
02:55
There have been a number of studies
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Opravljene so bile mnoge študije
02:57
looking at how parents feel
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o počutju staršev,
02:58
when they are spending time with their kids,
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pri preživljanju časa s svojimi otroki
03:00
and the answer often is, not so great.
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in pogost odgovor je, da ne tako super.
03:04
Last year, I spoke with a researcher
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Lani sem govorila z raziskovalcem,
03:06
named Matthew Killingsworth
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Matthewom Killingsworthom,
03:08
who is doing a very, very imaginative project
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ki dela na zelo, zelo domiselnem projektu,
03:11
that tracks people's happiness,
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ki meri zadovoljstvo ljudi
03:13
and here is what he told me he found:
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in povedal mi je, kaj je ugotovil:
03:17
"Interacting with your friends
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"Stiki s prijatelji,
03:19
is better than interacting with your spouse,
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so nekaj boljšega kot stiki z zakoncem,
03:22
which is better than interacting with other relatives,
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ki so boljši od stikov s sorodniki,
03:25
which is better than interacting with acquaintances,
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ki so boljši od tistih z znanci,
03:28
which is better than interacting with parents,
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ki so boljši od stika s starši,
03:31
which is better than interacting with children.
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ki so boljši od stikov z otroki.
03:35
Who are on par with strangers."
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Ti so na enaki ravni kot tujci."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:41
But here's the thing.
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A poslušajte.
03:44
I have been looking at what underlies these data
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Raziskovala sem,
kaj je temelj vseh teh podatkov
kaj je temelj vseh teh podatkov
03:47
for three years,
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tri leta,
03:49
and children are not the problem.
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in otroci niso težava.
03:52
Something about parenting right now at this moment
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Nekaj pri starševstvu, prav ta trenutek
03:57
is the problem.
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je pravi problem.
03:59
Specifically, I don't think we know
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Natančneje, mislim, da ne vemo,
04:01
what parenting is supposed to be.
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kaj bi starševstvo moralo biti.
04:04
Parent, as a verb,
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Starš, je kot glagol
04:06
only entered common usage in 1970.
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vstopil v splošno rabo šele 1970.
04:10
Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.
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Naše vloge kot mame in očetje
so se spremenile.
so se spremenile.
04:14
The roles of our children have changed.
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Vloge naših otrok so se spremenile.
04:17
We are all now furiously improvising
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In sedaj vsi besno improviziramo
04:19
our way through a situation
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in iščemo pot skozi situacijo
04:21
for which there is no script,
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za katero ni scenarija.
04:24
and if you're an amazing jazz musician,
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Če ste odličen jazz glasbenik,
04:26
then improv is great,
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potem je improvizacija odlična stvar,
04:29
but for the rest of us,
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a za vse nas ostale,
04:31
it can kind of feel like a crisis.
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se lahko čuti nekako kot kriza.
04:35
So how did we get here?
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Kako smo se spravili v to?
04:37
How is it that we are all now navigating
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Kako je mogoče, da zdaj krmarimo
04:40
a child-rearing universe
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skozi vesolje vzgoje otrok
04:41
without any norms to guide us?
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brez standardov, ki bi nas vodili?
04:44
Well, for starters, there has been
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No, za začetek je prišlo
04:46
a major historical change.
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do velike zgodovinske spremembe.
04:48
Until fairly recently,
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Še do nedavnega
04:50
kids worked, on our farms primarily,
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so otroci delali, v glavnem
na naših kmetijah,
na naših kmetijah,
04:54
but also in factories, mills, mines.
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a tudi v tovarnah, mlinih in rudnikih.
04:57
Kids were considered economic assets.
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Otroci so bili ekonomska pridobitev.
05:00
Sometime during the Progressive Era,
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Enkrat v dobi napredka,
05:02
we put an end to this arrangement.
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smo temu dogovoru naredili konec.
05:03
We recognized kids had rights,
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Otrokom smo priznali pravice,
05:06
we banned child labor,
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prepovedali smo otroško delo,
05:07
we focused on education instead,
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in se namesto tega osredotočili
na njihovo izobraževanje,
na njihovo izobraževanje,
05:10
and school became a child's new work.
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in šola je postala otrokova nova služba.
05:13
And thank God it did.
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In hvala bogu, da je.
05:15
But that only made a parent's role
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Ampak to je samo naredilo vlogo staršev
05:17
more confusing in a way.
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na nek način bolj zmedeno.
05:19
The old arrangement might not have been
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Stari dogovor mogoče ni bil
05:20
particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.
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pretirano etičen, a je bil vzajemen.
05:24
We provided food, clothing, shelter,
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Mi smo zagotovili hrano, obleko, zavetje
05:26
and moral instruction to our kids,
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in moralno vzgojo otrokom,
05:28
and they in return provided income.
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ti pa so v zameno prinesli dohodek.
05:34
Once kids stopped working,
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Ko pa so otroci nehali delati,
05:36
the economics of parenting changed.
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se je ekonomija starševstva spremenila.
05:39
Kids became, in the words of one
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Otroci so postali, po besedah
05:42
brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,
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brilijantnega, čeprav povsem
brezobzirnega sociologa
brezobzirnega sociologa
05:45
"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."
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"ekonomsko ničvredni,
a čustveno neprecenljivi."
a čustveno neprecenljivi."
05:50
Rather than them working for us,
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Namesto, da bi oni delali za nas,
05:52
we began to work for them,
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smo začeli delati zanje,
05:54
because within only a matter of decades
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saj je v pičlih nekaj desetletjih
05:56
it became clear:
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postalo jasno:
05:57
if we wanted our kids to succeed,
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če smo hoteli, da našim otrokom uspe,
06:00
school was not enough.
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šola ni bila dovolj.
06:03
Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,
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Danes so otrokova nova služba
izvenšolske dejavnosti,
izvenšolske dejavnosti,
06:07
but that's work for us too,
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a te so tudi delo za nas,
06:09
because we are the ones
driving them to soccer practice.
driving them to soccer practice.
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saj smo mi tisti, ki jih vozimo
na trening nogometa.
na trening nogometa.
06:12
Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,
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Ogromni kupi domače naloge
so otrokova nova služba,
so otrokova nova služba,
06:15
but that's also work for us,
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a te so tudi delo za nas,
06:17
because we have to check it.
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saj jo moramo preverjati.
06:19
About three years ago, a Texas woman
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Pred dobrimi tremi leti
mi je ženska iz Teksasa
mi je ženska iz Teksasa
06:21
told something to me
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povedala nekaj
06:22
that totally broke my heart.
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kar mi je povsem strlo srce.
06:26
She said, almost casually,
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Skoraj brezbrižno mi je rekla:
06:30
"Homework is the new dinner."
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"Domača naloga je nova večerja."
06:34
The middle class now pours all of its time
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Srednji razred danes vliva ves svoj čas
06:37
and energy and resources into its kids,
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in energijo in dohodke v svoje otroke,
06:40
even though the middle class
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čeprav ima srednji razred
06:41
has less and less of those things to give.
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vedno manj možnosti,
da te stvari zagotovi.
da te stvari zagotovi.
06:45
Mothers now spend more time with their children
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Mame preživljajo več časa s svojimi otroki
06:48
than they did in 1965,
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kot so leta 1965,
06:51
when most women were not even in the workforce.
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ko večina žensk ni bila niti zaposlenih.
06:56
It would probably be easier for parents
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Verjetno bi bilo staršem lažje
06:58
to do their new roles
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opravljati svoje nove vloge,
07:00
if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.
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če bi vedeli na kaj svoje
otroke sploh pripravljajo.
otroke sploh pripravljajo.
07:03
This is yet another thing that
makes modern parenting
makes modern parenting
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In to je še ena od reči,
ki sodobno starševstvo dela
ki sodobno starševstvo dela
07:06
so very confounding.
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tako zelo zavajajoče.
07:08
We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,
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Pojma nimamo kateri del
naše modrosti, če sploh kateri,
naše modrosti, če sploh kateri,
07:11
is of use to our kids.
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bo uporaben za naše otroke.
07:13
The world is changing so rapidly,
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Svet se spreminja tako hitro,
07:15
it's impossible to say.
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da je nemogoče napovedati.
07:17
This was true even when I was young.
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To je bilo res že v moji mladosti.
07:19
When I was a kid, high school specifically,
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Ko sem bila še otrok,
še posebno v srednji šoli,
še posebno v srednji šoli,
07:22
I was told that I would be at sea
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mi je bilo rečeno, da bom pečena
07:24
in the new global economy
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v novi svetovni ekonomiji,
07:26
if I did not know Japanese.
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če ne bom znala japonsko.
07:30
And with all due respect to the Japanese,
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In z vsem spoštovanjem do Japoncev,
07:33
it didn't turn out that way.
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se stvari niso tako obrnile.
07:35
Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent
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Danes so tu določeni starši
srednjega razreda,
srednjega razreda,
07:37
that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,
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ki obsedeno učijo
svoje otroke mandarinščino
svoje otroke mandarinščino
07:40
and maybe they're onto something,
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in mogoče je nekaj na tem,
07:43
but we cannot know for sure.
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a z gotovostjo tega ne moremo reči.
07:45
So, absent being able to anticipate the future,
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Torej, ker ne moremo
napovedati prihodnosti
napovedati prihodnosti
07:48
what we all do, as good parents,
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kar vsi delamo kot dobri starši
07:51
is try and prepare our kids
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je to, da poskušamo pripraviti naše otroke
07:53
for every possible kind of future,
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na vse mogoče različice prihodnosti
07:56
hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.
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v upanju, da se bo vsaj
nekaj od tega izplačalo.
nekaj od tega izplačalo.
08:00
We teach our kids chess,
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Učimo jih igrati šah,
08:02
thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.
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ker bodo mogoče potrebovali
analitične sposobnosti.
analitične sposobnosti.
08:04
We sign them up for team sports,
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Vpisujemo jih v športne klube,
08:07
thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,
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ker bodo mogoče potrebovali
timske sposobnosti,
timske sposobnosti,
08:10
you know, for when they go
to Harvard Business School.
to Harvard Business School.
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saj veste, ko bodo šli
na Harvard Business School.
na Harvard Business School.
08:13
We try and teach them to be financially savvy
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Poskušamo jih naučiti
odgovornega ravnanja z denarjem
odgovornega ravnanja z denarjem
08:16
and science-minded and eco-friendly
176
484310
3457
in biti znanstveno usmerjeni in ekološki
08:19
and gluten-free,
177
487767
2966
in brezglutenski,
08:22
though now is probably a good time to tell you
178
490733
1972
čeprav je mogoče zdaj dobro,
da vam povem,
da vam povem,
08:24
that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.
179
492705
5540
da sama nisem bila ekološki
in brezglutenski otrok.
in brezglutenski otrok.
08:30
I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.
180
498245
4790
Pojedla sem kupe pireja
iz testenin in govedine.
iz testenin in govedine.
08:35
And you know what? I'm doing okay.
181
503035
2177
In veste kaj? Čisto v redu sem.
08:37
I pay my taxes.
182
505212
2413
Plačujem davke.
08:39
I hold down a steady job.
183
507625
3217
Imam redno službo.
08:42
I was even invited to speak at TED.
184
510842
4328
Povabili so me celo, da govorim na TED.
08:47
But the presumption now is that
185
515170
1382
A danes se domneva,
08:48
what was good enough for me,
or for my folks for that matter,
or for my folks for that matter,
186
516552
3398
da kar je bilo zame dobro,
ali za moje starše,
ali za moje starše,
08:51
isn't good enough anymore.
187
519950
1811
danes ni več dobro.
08:53
So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,
188
521761
3664
In vsi se divje zapodimo
k tisti knjižni polici,
k tisti knjižni polici,
08:57
because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,
189
525425
3312
ker imamo občutek,
da če ne poskušamo vsega
da če ne poskušamo vsega
09:00
it's as if we're doing nothing
190
528737
2130
je enako, kot če ne bi naredili ničesar
09:02
and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.
191
530867
5337
in ne opravljamo svoje
dolžnosti do naših otrok.
dolžnosti do naših otrok.
09:08
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles
192
536204
2608
Tako je že dovolj težko
usmerjati naše nove vloge
usmerjati naše nove vloge
09:10
as mothers and fathers.
193
538812
1522
kot mame in očetje.
09:12
Now add to this problem something else:
194
540334
2446
In k temu zdaj dodajmo nekaj drugega:
09:14
we are also navigating new roles
195
542780
1928
hkrati usmerjamo tudi nove vloge
09:16
as husbands and wives
196
544708
1604
kot možje in žene,
09:18
because most women today are in the workforce.
197
546312
3648
saj je danes večina žensk zaposlenih.
09:21
This is another reason, I think,
198
549960
1530
Mislim, da je to še en razlog,
09:23
that parenthood feels like a crisis.
199
551490
2322
da se starševstvo čuti kot kriza.
09:25
We have no rules, no scripts, no norms
200
553812
2650
Nimamo pravil, scenarijev, standardov
09:28
for what to do when a child comes along
201
556462
2540
za to kaj narediti, ko pride otrok
09:31
now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.
202
559002
3191
zdaj, ko tako oče kot mama služita kruh.
09:34
The writer Michael Lewis once put this
203
562193
2405
Pisatelj Michael Lewis je to nekoč
09:36
very, very well.
204
564598
1237
zelo, zelo dobro opisal.
09:37
He said that the surest way
205
565835
2512
Dejal je, da je zagotovljen način
09:40
for a couple to start fighting
206
568347
1795
za to, da se par začne prepirati,
09:42
is for them to go out to dinner with another couple
207
570142
3028
da gre na večerjo z drugim parom,
09:45
whose division of labor
208
573170
1185
kjer je delitev opravil
09:46
is ever so slightly different from theirs,
209
574355
3610
minimalno drugačna od njunega,
09:49
because the conversation in
the car on the way home
the car on the way home
210
577965
3676
ker gre pogovor v avtu na poti domov
09:53
goes something like this:
211
581641
2217
nekako takole:
09:56
"So, did you catch that Dave is the one
212
584775
4633
"Si slišal, da je Dave tisti,
10:01
who walks them to school every morning?"
213
589408
3901
ki jih vsak dan peš pospremi v šolo?"
10:05
(Laughter)
214
593309
3821
(Smeh)
10:09
Without scripts telling us who does what
215
597742
2515
Brez scenarijev, ki bi nam povedali
kdo kaj počne,
kdo kaj počne,
10:12
in this brave new world, couples fight,
216
600257
3049
se v tem krasnem novem svetu
pari prepirajo
pari prepirajo
10:15
and both mothers and fathers each have
217
603306
3239
in tako mame kot očetje imajo vsak zase
10:18
their legitimate gripes.
218
606545
1930
trdne argumente.
10:20
Mothers are much more likely
219
608475
1855
Mame veliko bolj običajno
10:22
to be multi-tasking when they are at home,
220
610330
2078
doma opravljajo več del hkrati
10:24
and fathers, when they are at home,
221
612408
2211
in očetje, ko so doma,
10:26
are much more likely to be mono-tasking.
222
614619
2959
veliko običajneje delajo le eno opravilo.
10:29
Find a guy at home, and odds are
223
617578
2568
Poiščite moškega doma in zelo verjetno je,
10:32
he is doing just one thing at a time.
224
620146
3761
da počne le eno stvar naenkrat.
10:35
In fact, UCLA recently did a study
225
623907
2904
Pravzaprav je univerza UCLA
nedavno naredila študijo,
nedavno naredila študijo,
10:38
looking at the most common configuration
226
626811
2533
ki je beležila najbolj
običajno razporeditev
običajno razporeditev
10:41
of family members in middle-class homes.
227
629344
3046
družinskih članov v prostorih
domov srednjega razreda.
domov srednjega razreda.
10:44
Guess what it was?
228
632390
1733
Uganete kakšna je?
10:46
Dad in a room by himself.
229
634123
2647
Oče, sam v sobi.
10:48
According to the American Time Use Survey,
230
636770
2440
Po anketi American Time Use Survey
10:51
mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,
231
639210
3225
mame še vedno vzgajajo otroke
dvakrat več kot moški,
dvakrat več kot moški,
10:54
which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,
232
642435
3599
kar je bolje kot v dneh Erme Bombeck,
10:58
but I still think that something she wrote
233
646034
2266
a mislim, da je njeno pisanje
11:00
is highly relevant:
234
648300
2872
še vedno zelo aktualno:
11:03
"I have not been alone in the
bathroom since October."
bathroom since October."
235
651172
3718
"V kopalnici nisem bila sama
že od oktobra."
že od oktobra."
11:06
(Laughter)
236
654890
4334
(Smeh)
11:11
But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.
237
659224
4830
A poglejte: moški delajo veliko.
11:16
They spend more time with their kids
238
664054
1776
Preživljajo več časa z otroki
11:17
than their fathers ever spent with them.
239
665830
3334
kot so ga njihovi očetje z njimi.
11:21
They work more paid hours, on average,
240
669164
1980
V povprečju delajo več ur
11:23
than their wives,
241
671144
1693
kot njihove žene,
11:24
and they genuinely want to be good,
242
672837
1834
in si res želijo biti dobri
11:26
involved dads.
243
674671
1579
sodelujoči očetje.
11:28
Today, it is fathers, not mothers,
244
676250
3368
Danes so očetje tisti, ne mame,
11:31
who report the most work-life conflict.
245
679618
4111
ki največkrat poročajo o
konfliktu služba-zasebnost.
konfliktu služba-zasebnost.
11:35
Either way, by the way,
246
683729
2232
Kakorkoli, mimogrede,
11:37
if you think it's hard for traditional families
247
685961
2335
če mislite, da je
tradicionalni družini hudo,
tradicionalni družini hudo,
11:40
to sort out these new roles,
248
688296
1624
pri razbiranju svojih novih vlog,
11:41
just imagine what it's like now
249
689920
1836
pomislite, kako je danes
11:43
for non-traditional families:
250
691756
1895
netradicionalnim družinam:
11:45
families with two dads, families with two moms,
251
693651
2595
družine z dvemi očeti, ali dvemi mamami,
11:48
single-parent households.
252
696246
1705
samohranilska gospodinjstva.
11:49
They are truly improvising as they go.
253
697951
4393
Ti resnično improvizirajo
na vsakem koraku.
na vsakem koraku.
11:54
Now, in a more progressive country,
254
702344
3791
Danes, v bolj razviti deželi,
11:58
and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché
255
706135
2730
in oprostite mi zdaj
za poseganje po klišeju
za poseganje po klišeju
12:00
and invoking, yes, Sweden,
256
708865
3054
in sklicevanje na, ja, Švedsko,
12:03
parents could rely on the state
257
711919
2921
se starši lahko zanesejo na državo
12:06
for support.
258
714840
2649
za podporo.
12:09
There are countries that acknowledge
259
717489
1879
So države, ki priznavajo
12:11
the anxieties and the changing roles
260
719368
1433
strahove in spreminjajoče se vloge
12:12
of mothers and fathers.
261
720801
2364
mater in očetov.
12:15
Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,
262
723165
3264
Na žalost Amerika ni ena od njih,
12:18
so in case you were wondering what the U.S.
263
726429
1965
zato če ste se spraševali, kaj imajo ZDA
12:20
has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,
264
728394
5303
skupnega s Papuo Novo Gvinejo in Liberijo
12:25
it's this:
265
733697
3031
je tole:
12:28
We too have no paid maternity leave policy.
266
736728
3727
Tudi mi nimamo plačanega
porodniškega dopusta.
porodniškega dopusta.
12:32
We are one of eight known countries that does not.
267
740455
7247
Smo ena izmed osmih
znanih držav, ki tega nimajo.
znanih držav, ki tega nimajo.
12:39
In this age of intense confusion,
268
747702
3571
V tej dobi hude zmede
12:43
there is just one goal upon which
269
751273
3402
je samo en cilj glede katerega
12:46
all parents can agree,
270
754675
1832
se strinjajo vsi starši,
12:48
and that is whether they are
271
756507
1464
in to je ne glede na to ali so
12:49
tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,
272
757971
4566
stroge mame ali hipi mame,
helikopterji ali brezpilotna letala,
helikopterji ali brezpilotna letala,
12:54
our kids' happiness is paramount.
273
762537
4141
sreča naših otrok naj je najpomembnejša.
12:58
That is what it means
274
766678
1882
To pomeni
13:00
to raise kids in an age
275
768560
2450
vzgajati otroke v dobi,
13:03
when they are economically worthless
276
771010
2225
ko so ekonomsko ničvredni,
13:05
but emotionally priceless.
277
773235
2245
a čustveno neprecenljivi.
13:07
We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.
278
775480
3400
Mi smo varuhi njihove samopodobe.
13:10
The one mantra no parent ever questions is,
279
778880
3833
Edina mantra, v katero
ne podvomi noben starš je:
ne podvomi noben starš je:
13:14
"All I want is for my children to be happy."
280
782713
5731
"Vse kar hočem je,
da so moji otroci srečni."
da so moji otroci srečni."
13:20
And don't get me wrong:
281
788444
1713
Ne razumite me narobe:
13:22
I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.
282
790157
4880
Mislim, da je sreča
čudovit cilj za otroka.
čudovit cilj za otroka.
13:27
But it is a very elusive one.
283
795037
3706
A je hkrati tudi zelo izmuzljiv.
13:30
Happiness and self-confidence,
284
798743
3940
Sreča in samozavest,
13:34
teaching children that is not like teaching them
285
802683
1981
učiti otroke te reči
ni enako kot učiti jih
ni enako kot učiti jih
13:36
how to plow a field.
286
804664
1516
kako preorati polje.
13:38
It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.
287
806180
2701
Tudi ni enako kot
jih naučiti voziti kolo.
jih naučiti voziti kolo.
13:40
There's no curriculum for it.
288
808881
2557
Ni učnega načrta za to.
13:43
Happiness and self-confidence can
be the byproducts of other things,
be the byproducts of other things,
289
811438
3597
Sreča in samozavest sta
lahko posledica drugih reči,
lahko posledica drugih reči,
13:47
but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.
290
815035
3055
a ne moreta biti cilja sama po sebi.
13:50
A child's happiness
291
818090
1666
Otrokova sreča
13:51
is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.
292
819756
3755
je zelo nepošteno breme za starše.
13:55
And happiness is an even more unfair burden
293
823521
2838
In sreča je še bolj nepošteno breme,
13:58
to place on a kid.
294
826359
2840
za otroka.
14:01
And I have to tell you,
295
829199
2023
In moram vam povedati,
14:03
I think it leads to some very strange excesses.
296
831222
3882
mislim, da to vodi
v zelo čudne skrajnosti.
v zelo čudne skrajnosti.
14:07
We are now so anxious
297
835104
2402
Zdaj smo že tako hudo pripravljeni
14:09
to protect our kids from the world's ugliness
298
837506
3318
zavarovati naše otroke
pred grdobijami sveta,
pred grdobijami sveta,
14:12
that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."
299
840824
4752
da jih ščitimo pred "Sezamovo ulico."
14:17
I wish I could say I was kidding about this,
300
845576
2136
Želim si, da bi lahko rekla, da se šalim,
14:19
but if you go out and you buy
301
847712
2672
a če greste ven in kupite
14:22
the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,
302
850384
2939
prvih nekaj epizod
"Sezamove ulice" na DVD,
"Sezamove ulice" na DVD,
14:25
as I did out of nostalgia,
303
853323
3081
tako kot sem jaz naredila iz nostalgije,
14:28
you will find a warning at the beginning
304
856404
3113
boste na začetku našli opozorilo,
14:31
saying that the content is not suitable
305
859517
2630
ki pravi, da vsebina ni primerna
14:34
for children.
306
862147
1768
za otroke.
14:35
(Laughter)
307
863915
2110
(Smeh)
14:38
Can I just repeat that?
308
866025
1205
Ali lahko to ponovim?
14:39
The content of the original "Sesame Street"
309
867230
2631
Vsebina izvirne "Sezamove ulice"
14:41
is not suitable for children.
310
869861
3342
ni primerna za otroke.
14:45
When asked about this by The New York Times,
311
873203
3642
Ko je časopis New York Times
o tem povprašal
o tem povprašal
14:48
a producer for the show gave
a variety of explanations.
a variety of explanations.
312
876845
3305
producentko oddaje,
je ta ponudila nekaj razlag.
je ta ponudila nekaj razlag.
14:52
One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe
313
880150
2759
Ena je bila, da
Cookie Monster, kadi pipo
Cookie Monster, kadi pipo
14:54
in one skit and then swallowed it.
314
882909
1761
v enem skeču in jo potem pogoltne.
14:56
Bad modeling. I don't know.
315
884670
1435
Slab vzor. Ne vem.
14:58
But the thing that stuck with me
316
886105
2982
A stvar, ki mi je ostala v spominu
15:01
is she said that she didn't know
317
889087
2455
je to, da je rekla, da ni vedela,
15:03
whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today
318
891542
4339
če bi si danes lahko
izmislili lik Oscar the Grouch,
izmislili lik Oscar the Grouch,
15:07
because he was too depressive.
319
895881
4898
ker je bil preveč depresiven.
15:12
I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.
320
900779
2408
Ne morete si misliti, kako me to razburi.
15:15
(Laughter)
321
903187
1519
(Smeh)
15:16
You are looking at a woman
322
904706
1853
Gledate žensko,
15:18
who has a periodic table of the Muppets
323
906559
3044
ki ima periodni sistem Muppetkov
15:21
hanging from her cubicle wall.
324
909603
3792
na steni svojega razdelka.
15:25
The offending muppet, right there.
325
913395
3759
Muppetek, ki žali druge, prav tamle.
15:30
That's my son the day he was born.
326
918239
4786
To je moj sin, na dan ko se je rodil.
15:35
I was high as a kite on morphine.
327
923025
2192
Bila sem čisto zadeta od morfija.
15:37
I had had an unexpected C-section.
328
925217
3863
Imela sem nepričakovan carski rez.
15:41
But even in my opiate haze,
329
929080
3516
A tudi v megli od zdravil
15:44
I managed to have one very clear thought
330
932596
2933
sem uspela imeti eno zelo jasno misel
15:47
the first time I held him.
331
935529
2952
prvič, ko sem ga imela v rokah.
15:50
I whispered it into his ear.
332
938481
1904
Zašepetala sem mu jo v uho.
15:52
I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."
333
940385
8884
Rekla sem "Tako zelo se bom trudila,
da te ne prizadenem."
da te ne prizadenem."
16:01
It was the Hippocratic Oath,
334
949269
1320
Bila je Hipokratova prisega,
16:02
and I didn't even know I was saying it.
335
950589
3878
čeprav nisem niti vedela,
da jo izgovarjam.
da jo izgovarjam.
16:06
But it occurs to me now
336
954467
2324
A če pomislim,
16:08
that the Hippocratic Oath
337
956791
2079
je Hipokratova prisega
16:10
is a much more realistic aim than happiness.
338
958870
4332
veliko bolj realističen cilj kot sreča.
16:15
In fact, as any parent will tell you,
339
963202
3600
Pravzaprav, kot vam bo povedal vsak starš,
16:18
it's awfully hard.
340
966802
2768
je zelo težek cilj.
16:21
All of us have said or done hurtful things
341
969570
4854
Vsi od nas smo že naredili
ali rekli boleče stvari,
ali rekli boleče stvari,
16:26
that we wish to God we could take back.
342
974424
5974
ki si jih na vso moč želimo vzeti nazaj.
16:32
I think in another era
343
980398
2848
Mislim, da v drugačnem času
16:35
we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,
344
983246
3992
nismo pričakovali tako veliko od sebe.
16:39
and it is important that we all remember that
345
987238
3682
Pomembno je, da se tega vsi spomnimo
16:42
the next time we are staring with our hearts racing
346
990920
3834
naslednjič, ko bomo
strmeli s podivjanim srcem
strmeli s podivjanim srcem
16:46
at those bookshelves.
347
994754
4046
v tiste knjižne police.
16:52
I'm not really sure how to create new norms
348
1000254
3254
Nisem zares prepričana
kako ustvariti nove standarde
kako ustvariti nove standarde
16:55
for this world,
349
1003508
1678
za ta svet,
16:57
but I do think that
350
1005186
3084
ampak res mislim, da si
17:00
in our desperate quest to create happy kids,
351
1008270
3318
v naši obupni želji,
da bi ustvarili srečne otroke,
da bi ustvarili srečne otroke,
17:03
we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.
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zadevamo napačno moralno breme.
17:06
It strikes me as a better goal,
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Veliko boljši cilj se mi zdi,
17:08
and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,
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in upam si reči, bolj plemenit,
17:10
to focus on making productive kids
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da se osredotočimo na
vzgojo bolj produktivnih otrok
vzgojo bolj produktivnih otrok
17:13
and moral kids,
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in moralnih otrok,
17:14
and to simply hope that happiness will come to them
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in da samo upamo,
da bo sreča prišla k njim
da bo sreča prišla k njim
17:16
by virtue of the good that they do
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preko dobrih stvari, ki jh bodo počeli
17:19
and their accomplishments
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in njihovih dosežkov
17:21
and the love that they feel from us.
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in ljubezni, ki jim jo dajemo mi.
17:24
That, anyway, is one response to having no script.
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To, kakorkoli, je en odgovor
na pomanjkanje scenarija.
na pomanjkanje scenarija.
17:30
Absent having new scripts,
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V pomanjkanju novih scenarijev
17:33
we just follow the oldest ones in the book --
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samo sledimo najstarejšim -
17:37
decency, a work ethic, love —
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spodobnost, delovna etika, ljubezen -
17:43
and let happiness and self-esteem
take care of themselves.
take care of themselves.
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in pustimo, da se sreča in
samozavest uredita sami.
samozavest uredita sami.
17:47
I think if we all did that,
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Mislim, da če bi vsi delali tako,
17:49
the kids would still be all right,
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bi bilo z otroki še vedno vse v redu,
17:52
and so would their parents,
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in enako z njihovimi starši,
17:55
possibly in both cases even better.
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verjetno z obojimi celo veliko bolje.
17:59
Thank you.
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Hvala.
18:01
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jennifer Senior - WriterIn her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse.
Why you should listen
Jennifer Senior is a contributing editor at New York Magazine, where she writes profiles and cover stories about politics, social science and mental health. In a groundbreaking 2010 story for the magazine, called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting," she examined the social science around modern parenting, looking at happiness research from Dan Gilbert, Danny Kahneman and others, as well as anthropological research (she was an anthro major) around how families behave. Her conclusion: Hey, parents, it's okay not to feel blissfully happy all the time.
She expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
More profile about the speakerShe expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
Jennifer Senior | Speaker | TED.com