TED2014
Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar
珍妮佛．山尼爾: 對父母來說，快樂是一個非常高的門檻
Filmed:
Readability: 3.9
2,370,134 views
書店的育兒專區書架上的書多到不行，「它是我們集體恐慌產生的一個如糖果色採般繽紛的巨大名勝。」作家珍妮佛．山尼爾這麼形容。為什麼為人父母會有許多焦慮？因為當代中產階級父母親們的目標－－扶養快樂的小孩－－是如此難以搞懂、做到。在這一個誠心的演說裡，她提出一些比較溫和的跟比較能實現的目標。
Jennifer Senior - Writer
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
When I was born,
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當我出生時，
00:14
there was really only one book
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真的就只有一本書，
00:15
about how to raise your children,
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是有關如何扶養孩子，
00:17
and it was written by Dr. Spock.
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那是史巴克博士寫的。
00:20
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:22
Thank you for indulging me.
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謝謝你們這麼配合我！
00:23
I have always wanted to do that.
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我一直以來都想這麼做的。
00:27
No, it was Benjamin Spock,
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不是啦，是班傑明．史巴克！
00:29
and his book was called "The Common
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
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他的書叫做「嬰幼兒保健常識書」，
00:33
It sold almost 50 million copies
by the time he died.
by the time he died.
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直到他死掉為止
那賣了快 5,000 萬本。
那賣了快 5,000 萬本。
00:39
Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,
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今天我身為一個 6 歲小孩的母親，
00:42
walk into Barnes and Noble,
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走進「邦諾書店」，
00:44
and see this.
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看到了這些！
00:47
And it is amazing
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讓人驚嘆的是
00:49
the variety that one finds
on those shelves.
on those shelves.
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可從這些書架上
找到種類這麼豐富的書。
找到種類這麼豐富的書。
00:52
There are guides to raising
an eco-friendly kid,
an eco-friendly kid,
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有指導如何撫養不損害環境的小孩、
00:57
a gluten-free kid,
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無麩質飲食養育法、
00:59
a disease-proof kid,
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怎麼養出不生病的小孩等等，
01:01
which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.
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我個人是覺得
不生病的小孩有點嚇人。
不生病的小孩有點嚇人。
01:05
There are guides to raising a bilingual kid
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還有如何扶養會講雙語的小孩，
01:08
even if you only speak one language at home.
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即使家裡只有單語環境。
01:11
There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid
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還有怎麼教出財務小神童、
01:14
and a science-minded kid
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有科學頭腦的小孩、
01:17
and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.
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小孩是瑜珈高手的書。
01:20
Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse
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除了教小孩
拆解原子彈的指導書以外，
01:23
a nuclear bomb,
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01:25
there is pretty much a guide to everything.
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基本上每一件事都有指南可以參考。
01:31
All of these books are well-intentioned.
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所有這些書都是好意的，
01:34
I am sure that many of them are great.
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我相信大多數是很棒的，
01:38
But taken together, I am sorry,
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但擺在一起時，我就很抱歉了，
01:42
I do not see help
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因為我找不到有用的，
01:45
when I look at that shelf.
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就當我看著那個書架，
01:49
I see anxiety.
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我看到了不安、
01:51
I see a giant candy-colored monument
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我看到了糖果顏色般繽紛的巨大名勝，
01:54
to our collective panic,
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對應於我們集結出的恐慌。
01:57
and it makes me want to know,
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這讓我想要知道：
01:59
why is it that raising our children
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「為什麼撫育孩子
02:02
is associated with so much anguish
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是這麼痛苦，
02:03
and so much confusion?
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以及這麼多困惑？」
02:06
Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens
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為什麼我們會是七上八下的？
02:08
about the one thing human beings
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這件事我們人類
已經成功做了上千年，
02:11
have been doing successfully for millennia,
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02:13
long before parenting message boards
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且早在「育兒訊息留言板」、
02:16
and peer-reviewed studies came along?
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還有「同儕檢討學習」的出現以前。
02:19
Why is it that so many mothers and fathers
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為什麼這麼多父母們
02:21
experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?
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體認當父母就像一場災難？
02:28
Crisis might seem like a strong word,
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「災難」看起來像是一個激烈的字詞，
02:30
but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.
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但是有資料指出用「災難」不會激烈。
02:33
There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,
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實際上曾經有論文就是用這來命名──
02:36
"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,
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1957 年發表的「當父母就像場災難」。
02:40
and in the 50-plus years since,
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而且從那之後的 50 多年裡，
02:42
there has been plenty of scholarship
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有很多的學術研究
02:45
documenting a pretty clear pattern
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記載父母苦悶
02:47
of parental anguish.
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的一個非常清楚的圖像。
02:49
Parents experience more stress than non-parents.
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父母們比非父母者
承受更多壓力，
承受更多壓力，
02:52
Their marital satisfaction is lower.
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他們對婚姻的滿足感較低。
02:55
There have been a number of studies
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有很多的研究
02:57
looking at how parents feel
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探討父母親們
02:58
when they are spending time with their kids,
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花時間陪小孩時的感受是怎樣的。
03:00
and the answer often is, not so great.
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答案經常不是太棒的。
03:04
Last year, I spoke with a researcher
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去年我跟一位研究者
馬修．奇林史渥茲聊過，
馬修．奇林史渥茲聊過，
03:06
named Matthew Killingsworth
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03:08
who is doing a very, very imaginative project
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他正在做一個非常獨創的研究專案，
03:11
that tracks people's happiness,
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要追蹤紀錄人們的快樂。
03:13
and here is what he told me he found:
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他告訴我，他發現：
03:17
"Interacting with your friends
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「與你的朋友們互動
03:19
is better than interacting with your spouse,
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比與你的配偶互動更快樂，
03:22
which is better than interacting with other relatives,
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前者又比與親戚們互動更快樂，
03:25
which is better than interacting with acquaintances,
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前者又比與點頭之交們互動更快樂，
03:28
which is better than interacting with parents,
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前者又比與父母親互動更快樂，
03:31
which is better than interacting with children.
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前者又比與小孩們互動更快樂，
03:35
Who are on par with strangers."
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小孩們就跟陌生人沒兩樣。」
03:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:41
But here's the thing.
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不過重點來了，
03:44
I have been looking at what underlies these data
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三年來我一直在探討
03:47
for three years,
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構成這些資料的東西，
03:49
and children are not the problem.
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小孩子並不是問題，
03:52
Something about parenting right now at this moment
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當下有關當父母的一些事情
03:57
is the problem.
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才是問題。
03:59
Specifically, I don't think we know
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特別是我不認為我們懂
04:01
what parenting is supposed to be.
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當父母應該是怎樣一回事，
04:04
Parent, as a verb,
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「當父母」做為一個動詞，
04:06
only entered common usage in 1970.
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到 1970 年之後才普遍使用，
04:10
Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.
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我們身為父母親的角色已經變了，
04:14
The roles of our children have changed.
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我們小孩子的角色也已經改變了，
04:17
We are all now furiously improvising
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現在我們大家拼命地即興演出
04:19
our way through a situation
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度過一種狀況，
04:21
for which there is no script,
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那就是沒有劇本的狀況。
04:24
and if you're an amazing jazz musician,
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假如你是一個非常傑出的爵士樂手，
04:26
then improv is great,
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那麼即興演出是很棒的，
04:29
but for the rest of us,
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不過對我們其他人來說，
04:31
it can kind of feel like a crisis.
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這有種像是一場災難的感覺。
04:35
So how did we get here?
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那麼我們怎麼會變成這樣呢？
04:37
How is it that we are all now navigating
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我們大家現在是如何
04:40
a child-rearing universe
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在一個養育小孩的世界中，
找出我們的方向？
找出我們的方向？
04:41
without any norms to guide us?
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而沒有任何準則可以指引我們。
04:44
Well, for starters, there has been
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好！首先，
04:46
a major historical change.
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發生過一個重大的歷史性改變，
04:48
Until fairly recently,
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直到不久前，
04:50
kids worked, on our farms primarily,
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孩子們以前是要工作的，
主要是在我們的農場裡，
主要是在我們的農場裡，
04:54
but also in factories, mills, mines.
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但是也有小孩在工廠、磨坊、
還有礦場等地工作，
還有礦場等地工作，
04:57
Kids were considered economic assets.
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孩子們被認為是經濟上的資產，
05:00
Sometime during the Progressive Era,
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在「進步時期」的某個時點，
（美國 1890-1920 政治及社會改革階段）
（美國 1890-1920 政治及社會改革階段）
05:02
we put an end to this arrangement.
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我們禁止了這樣的做法，
05:03
We recognized kids had rights,
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我們承認孩子們有權力，
05:06
we banned child labor,
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我們禁止使用童工、
05:07
we focused on education instead,
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我們用教育來取代工作，
05:10
and school became a child's new work.
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學校成為孩子們的新工作，
05:13
And thank God it did.
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感謝上帝這做到了！
05:15
But that only made a parent's role
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不過那只有讓父母親的角色
05:17
more confusing in a way.
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更令人難懂。
05:19
The old arrangement might not have been
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舊的做法可能不是高道德的，
05:20
particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.
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不過卻是互惠的。
05:24
We provided food, clothing, shelter,
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我們供應孩子食物、衣服、居所、
05:26
and moral instruction to our kids,
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還有品性教導，
05:28
and they in return provided income.
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他們提供收入來償還。
05:34
Once kids stopped working,
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一旦孩童們停止工作，
05:36
the economics of parenting changed.
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養育小孩的經濟性就改變了。
05:39
Kids became, in the words of one
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孩童們變成了，
05:42
brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,
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以一個聰明、或許可說是無情的
社會學家的話來說：
社會學家的話來說：
05:45
"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."
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「經濟上毫無價值，
但是情感上是無價的！」
但是情感上是無價的！」
05:50
Rather than them working for us,
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不再是他們為我們工作，
05:52
we began to work for them,
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反而是我們開始為他們工作。
05:54
because within only a matter of decades
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因為在幾十年下來，
05:56
it became clear:
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這變得很清楚－－
05:57
if we wanted our kids to succeed,
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「如果我們想要自己的孩子成功，
06:00
school was not enough.
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只有學校是不夠的。」
06:03
Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,
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今天，課外活動是小孩們的新工作，
06:07
but that's work for us too,
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不過那也是我們的工作，
06:09
because we are the ones
driving them to soccer practice.
driving them to soccer practice.
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因為我們就是
載他們去踢足球的人。
載他們去踢足球的人。
06:12
Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,
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成堆的家庭作業是孩子們的新工作，
06:15
but that's also work for us,
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不過那也是給我們的工作，
06:17
because we have to check it.
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因為我們必須檢查它。
06:19
About three years ago, a Texas woman
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大約在三年前，一位德州的女士
06:21
told something to me
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跟我說過一些話，
06:22
that totally broke my heart.
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那徹底地讓我心痛，
06:26
She said, almost casually,
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她用一種稀鬆平常的語氣說，
06:30
"Homework is the new dinner."
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「家庭作業是新的晚餐。」
06:34
The middle class now pours all of its time
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現在中產階級們
投注他們所有的時間、
投注他們所有的時間、
06:37
and energy and resources into its kids,
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精力以及資源給他們的小孩，
06:40
even though the middle class
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儘管中產階級者們
06:41
has less and less of those things to give.
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已經越來越少有那些東西能給了。
06:45
Mothers now spend more time with their children
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現在媽媽們花較多的時間陪小孩，
06:48
than they did in 1965,
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比起在 1965 年時所花的更多，
06:51
when most women were not even in the workforce.
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那時後大部分的婦女根本也不用工作。
06:56
It would probably be easier for parents
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讓父母親們去做好他們的新角色
可能會比較簡單，
可能會比較簡單，
06:58
to do their new roles
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07:00
if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.
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要是他們知道為小孩們
做的準備是為了什麼。
做的準備是為了什麼。
07:03
This is yet another thing that
makes modern parenting
makes modern parenting
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這就是另外一件
讓現代當父母這麼令人困惑的事。
07:06
so very confounding.
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07:08
We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,
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我們完全不曉得
我們哪一部分的智慧
我們哪一部分的智慧
07:11
is of use to our kids.
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對小孩來說是有用的。
07:13
The world is changing so rapidly,
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這世界如此迅速地改變，
07:15
it's impossible to say.
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一切都很難說。
07:17
This was true even when I was young.
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這是真的，即使當我還年輕的時候，
07:19
When I was a kid, high school specifically,
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當我是小孩子時，
明確地說是在高中時，
明確地說是在高中時，
07:22
I was told that I would be at sea
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我被告知
我會困在新的世界經濟大海中，
07:24
in the new global economy
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除非我懂日文。
07:26
if I did not know Japanese.
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07:30
And with all due respect to the Japanese,
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無意冒犯日本人，
07:33
it didn't turn out that way.
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但結果並不是這樣的。
07:35
Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent
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現在有一類中產階級的父母，
07:37
that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,
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堅持要他們的小孩學中文，
07:40
and maybe they're onto something,
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也許他們是照著趨勢，
07:43
but we cannot know for sure.
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但是我們沒有人能百分百確定。
07:45
So, absent being able to anticipate the future,
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因為沒有能力能預測未來，
07:48
what we all do, as good parents,
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身為好爸媽的我們都在做的事，
07:51
is try and prepare our kids
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是盡力為我們的小孩準備好
07:53
for every possible kind of future,
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應付每一種可能的未來，
07:56
hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.
169
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希望我們多項的付出中，
只要一項能夠成功就好。
只要一項能夠成功就好。
08:00
We teach our kids chess,
170
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1928
我們教我們的小孩下棋，
08:02
thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.
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想說他們有可能會用到分析的技能、
08:04
We sign them up for team sports,
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我們幫他們報名了團隊運動，
08:07
thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,
173
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想說他們有可能會要用到
與人合作的能力，
與人合作的能力，
08:10
you know, for when they go
to Harvard Business School.
to Harvard Business School.
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或許有天他們念哈佛商學院時
會派上用場，
會派上用場，
08:13
We try and teach them to be financially savvy
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我們試圖教導他們
成為財務上很精明的、
成為財務上很精明的、
08:16
and science-minded and eco-friendly
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有科學的頭腦、不損害環境的、
08:19
and gluten-free,
177
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不吃麥麩的。
08:22
though now is probably a good time to tell you
178
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現在很可能就是一個
好的時間點來告訴你們，
好的時間點來告訴你們，
08:24
that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.
179
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我小時候既不是不損害環境的、
也不是不吃麥麩的小孩，
也不是不吃麥麩的小孩，
08:30
I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.
180
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我吃過好幾罐的牛肉通心粉。
08:35
And you know what? I'm doing okay.
181
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而且你們知道嗎？
我這麼做也沒事。
我這麼做也沒事。
08:37
I pay my taxes.
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我繳稅 、
08:39
I hold down a steady job.
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我有一份穩定的工作 、
08:42
I was even invited to speak at TED.
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我甚至還被邀請來了 TED演說 !
08:47
But the presumption now is that
185
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1382
不過現在的假定是，
08:48
what was good enough for me,
or for my folks for that matter,
or for my folks for that matter,
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3398
以前對我或周邊朋友來說是足夠的，
08:51
isn't good enough anymore.
187
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1811
現在不再是夠好的了。
08:53
So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,
188
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所以我們全都瘋狂飛奔到書架前，
08:57
because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,
189
525425
3312
因為我們覺得如果
沒有試遍每一件事，
沒有試遍每一件事，
09:00
it's as if we're doing nothing
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那會像是我們什麼事都沒做，
09:02
and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.
191
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好像我們沒盡到教養小孩的責任。
09:08
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles
192
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所以真的很難去找出我們
新角色的方向－
新角色的方向－
09:10
as mothers and fathers.
193
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1522
身為母親還有父親。
09:12
Now add to this problem something else:
194
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現在還更增加了其他問題，
09:14
we are also navigating new roles
195
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我們也正在找新角色的方向－
09:16
as husbands and wives
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1604
身為丈夫還有妻子。
09:18
because most women today are in the workforce.
197
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3648
因為現今大部分的女人都在職場上，
09:21
This is another reason, I think,
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我認為這是另一個原因，
09:23
that parenthood feels like a crisis.
199
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2322
讓當父母親感覺像是一場災難，
09:25
We have no rules, no scripts, no norms
200
553812
2650
我們沒有規章、沒有劇本、
沒有準則，
沒有準則，
09:28
for what to do when a child comes along
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適用於當小孩子出生後
要做什麼事。
要做什麼事。
09:31
now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.
202
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3191
現在爸爸跟媽媽都是賺錢養家的人。
09:34
The writer Michael Lewis once put this
203
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2405
作家麥可．路易斯
曾經把這寫得
曾經把這寫得
09:36
very, very well.
204
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1237
非常非常棒，
09:37
He said that the surest way
205
565835
2512
他說讓一對夫妻開始吵架，
最簡單的方法
最簡單的方法
09:40
for a couple to start fighting
206
568347
1795
09:42
is for them to go out to dinner with another couple
207
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3028
就是讓他們與另一對夫妻
去外面吃晚餐。
去外面吃晚餐。
09:45
whose division of labor
208
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1185
而對方的勞動領域
09:46
is ever so slightly different from theirs,
209
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3610
與他們並沒有太大差異。
09:49
because the conversation in
the car on the way home
the car on the way home
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3676
因為在回家路上，車子裡的對話
09:53
goes something like this:
211
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2217
大概就像這樣：
09:56
"So, did you catch that Dave is the one
212
584775
4633
「所以，
你有沒有聽到戴夫
是每天陪小孩走路上學的人？」
是每天陪小孩走路上學的人？」
10:01
who walks them to school every morning?"
213
589408
3901
10:05
(Laughter)
214
593309
3821
（笑聲）
10:09
Without scripts telling us who does what
215
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2515
少了劇本告訴我們誰該做什麼事，
10:12
in this brave new world, couples fight,
216
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3049
在這個新世界裡，夫妻們會吵架，
10:15
and both mothers and fathers each have
217
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3239
而且媽媽們跟爸爸們
都有他們正當的怨言。
10:18
their legitimate gripes.
218
606545
1930
10:20
Mothers are much more likely
219
608475
1855
媽媽們非常可能
10:22
to be multi-tasking when they are at home,
220
610330
2078
在家的時候
要同時處理多項事情。
要同時處理多項事情。
10:24
and fathers, when they are at home,
221
612408
2211
當爸爸們在家時，
10:26
are much more likely to be mono-tasking.
222
614619
2959
非常可能只做單一事情。
10:29
Find a guy at home, and odds are
223
617578
2568
任你找一個在家的男人，
他是一次只做一件事情的機率很大。
10:32
he is doing just one thing at a time.
224
620146
3761
10:35
In fact, UCLA recently did a study
225
623907
2904
實際上洛杉磯加州大學
最近剛做過一項調查，
最近剛做過一項調查，
10:38
looking at the most common configuration
226
626811
2533
觀察最普遍的
10:41
of family members in middle-class homes.
227
629344
3046
在中產階級家中的家庭成員分佈位置，
10:44
Guess what it was?
228
632390
1733
你猜怎麼著，
10:46
Dad in a room by himself.
229
634123
2647
老爸自己一個人在車庫裡 ！
10:48
According to the American Time Use Survey,
230
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2440
根據「美國人時間使用調查」，
10:51
mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,
231
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3225
母親們仍然做著
多父親們兩倍的孩童照護工作，
多父親們兩倍的孩童照護工作，
10:54
which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,
232
642435
3599
那比起在爾瑪‧邦貝克那年代好多了，
（美國專欄幽默作家1960-90）
（美國專欄幽默作家1960-90）
10:58
but I still think that something she wrote
233
646034
2266
不過我仍然認為她曾寫過的一些東西
11:00
is highly relevant:
234
648300
2872
是極其適宜的：
11:03
"I have not been alone in the
bathroom since October."
bathroom since October."
235
651172
3718
「從十月以後我不再有自己
單獨在浴室的時間。」
單獨在浴室的時間。」
11:06
(Laughter)
236
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4334
（笑聲）
11:11
But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.
237
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4830
但其實男人們現在做很多事情了，
11:16
They spend more time with their kids
238
664054
1776
他們花了更多的時間陪小孩，
11:17
than their fathers ever spent with them.
239
665830
3334
比起他們父親當初陪伴他們的還多，
11:21
They work more paid hours, on average,
240
669164
1980
他們的平均工時
比另一半還要多，
比另一半還要多，
11:23
than their wives,
241
671144
1693
11:24
and they genuinely want to be good,
242
672837
1834
而且他們真心地想要做個
盡心的好父親。
盡心的好父親。
11:26
involved dads.
243
674671
1579
11:28
Today, it is fathers, not mothers,
244
676250
3368
今天是父親而不是母親，
11:31
who report the most work-life conflict.
245
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4111
據說是最有工作與生活衝突的。
11:35
Either way, by the way,
246
683729
2232
順帶一提另一個想法，
11:37
if you think it's hard for traditional families
247
685961
2335
如果你認為讓傳統家庭
11:40
to sort out these new roles,
248
688296
1624
應付這些新角色是困難的，
11:41
just imagine what it's like now
249
689920
1836
就想像一下對非傳統家庭來說
11:43
for non-traditional families:
250
691756
1895
是什麼樣的情況－－
11:45
families with two dads, families with two moms,
251
693651
2595
有兩個父親的家庭、
有兩個母親的家庭、
有兩個母親的家庭、
11:48
single-parent households.
252
696246
1705
單親家庭，
11:49
They are truly improvising as they go.
253
697951
4393
當他們前進時真的是即興演出。
11:54
Now, in a more progressive country,
254
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3791
如今身在一個比較進步的國家，
11:58
and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché
255
706135
2730
原諒我老調重彈，
12:00
and invoking, yes, Sweden,
256
708865
3054
還得借助瑞典為例：
12:03
parents could rely on the state
257
711919
2921
「沒錯，父母親們可以依靠國家
12:06
for support.
258
714840
2649
給予協助。」
12:09
There are countries that acknowledge
259
717489
1879
有好多國家都清楚明白
12:11
the anxieties and the changing roles
260
719368
1433
媽媽跟爸爸們的
12:12
of mothers and fathers.
261
720801
2364
焦慮感以及角色改變，
12:15
Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,
262
723165
3264
不幸的是美國並不在其中。
12:18
so in case you were wondering what the U.S.
263
726429
1965
因此要是你想知道美國
12:20
has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,
264
728394
5303
跟巴布紐幾內亞和賴比瑞亞的相同處，
12:25
it's this:
265
733697
3031
那就是：
12:28
We too have no paid maternity leave policy.
266
736728
3727
我們全都沒有
給薪的母親育嬰假政策，
給薪的母親育嬰假政策，
12:32
We are one of eight known countries that does not.
267
740455
7247
我們是已知的
沒有這項政策的八國之一。
沒有這項政策的八國之一。
12:39
In this age of intense confusion,
268
747702
3571
在這個高度困擾的年代，
12:43
there is just one goal upon which
269
751273
3402
只有一個目標
12:46
all parents can agree,
270
754675
1832
全部的父母親都會同意，
12:48
and that is whether they are
271
756507
1464
那就是，不論他們是
12:49
tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,
272
757971
4566
虎媽或是嬉皮媽、直升機父母
或是無人偵測機父母，
或是無人偵測機父母，
12:54
our kids' happiness is paramount.
273
762537
4141
我們小孩的快樂是至上的。
12:58
That is what it means
274
766678
1882
那就是
13:00
to raise kids in an age
275
768560
2450
扶養小孩的意義，
13:03
when they are economically worthless
276
771010
2225
當他們在經濟上一點價值都沒有，
13:05
but emotionally priceless.
277
773235
2245
但是情感上是無價的。
13:07
We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.
278
775480
3400
我們都是他們自尊的監護人，
13:10
The one mantra no parent ever questions is,
279
778880
3833
不曾有父母懷疑過的這口號是：
13:14
"All I want is for my children to be happy."
280
782713
5731
「我最想看到的就是
小孩們能快快樂樂！」
小孩們能快快樂樂！」
13:20
And don't get me wrong:
281
788444
1713
別搞錯了，
13:22
I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.
282
790157
4880
我認為快樂對小孩子來說
是一個很棒的目標，
是一個很棒的目標，
13:27
But it is a very elusive one.
283
795037
3706
但它是很難達到的目標。
13:30
Happiness and self-confidence,
284
798743
3940
「快樂」還有「自信」，
13:34
teaching children that is not like teaching them
285
802683
1981
教小孩子快樂和自信
不像教他們如何犁田、
13:36
how to plow a field.
286
804664
1516
13:38
It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.
287
806180
2701
不像教他們如何去騎單車，
13:40
There's no curriculum for it.
288
808881
2557
沒有學校的課程來教這些。
13:43
Happiness and self-confidence can
be the byproducts of other things,
be the byproducts of other things,
289
811438
3597
「快樂」和「自信」可以是
其他東西產生的副帶品，
其他東西產生的副帶品，
13:47
but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.
290
815035
3055
但是不能真的拿
「快樂」和「自信」來當目標。
「快樂」和「自信」來當目標。
13:50
A child's happiness
291
818090
1666
一個小孩的快樂
13:51
is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.
292
819756
3755
是一個加諸於父母身上
非常不公平的負擔，
非常不公平的負擔，
13:55
And happiness is an even more unfair burden
293
823521
2838
而且快樂是一個更不公平的負擔
13:58
to place on a kid.
294
826359
2840
來加諸在小孩身上！
14:01
And I have to tell you,
295
829199
2023
而且我必須跟你們說，
14:03
I think it leads to some very strange excesses.
296
831222
3882
我認為那造成非常怪異的過分。
14:07
We are now so anxious
297
835104
2402
我們現在是這麼不安的
14:09
to protect our kids from the world's ugliness
298
837506
3318
想保護我們的小孩避開世界的醜陋，
14:12
that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."
299
840824
4752
我們現在不讓他們看「芝麻街」。
14:17
I wish I could say I was kidding about this,
300
845576
2136
我希望自己是在開玩笑，
14:19
but if you go out and you buy
301
847712
2672
不過假如你們出門購買
14:22
the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,
302
850384
2939
最初的一些「芝麻街」
DVD 影集的話，
DVD 影集的話，
14:25
as I did out of nostalgia,
303
853323
3081
就跟我因為懷舊所做的事一樣，
14:28
you will find a warning at the beginning
304
856404
3113
你會看見一段警告就在片頭處，
14:31
saying that the content is not suitable
305
859517
2630
「本片內容不適宜
14:34
for children.
306
862147
1768
給兒童們觀賞。」
14:35
(Laughter)
307
863915
2110
（笑聲）
14:38
Can I just repeat that?
308
866025
1205
可以讓我再重複一遍嗎？
14:39
The content of the original "Sesame Street"
309
867230
2631
原版「芝麻街」的內容
14:41
is not suitable for children.
310
869861
3342
對孩童們來說是不適宜的！
14:45
When asked about this by The New York Times,
311
873203
3642
當被紐約時報問到這問題時，
14:48
a producer for the show gave
a variety of explanations.
a variety of explanations.
312
876845
3305
該節目的製作人給了
多種的解釋，
多種的解釋，
14:52
One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe
313
880150
2759
其中一個是在某短劇裡，
餅乾怪獸用一根水管抽菸，
之後把管子吞了下去，
之後把管子吞了下去，
14:54
in one skit and then swallowed it.
314
882909
1761
14:56
Bad modeling. I don't know.
315
884670
1435
不好的榜樣吧！我不知道啦。
14:58
But the thing that stuck with me
316
886105
2982
但是讓我掛心的事
15:01
is she said that she didn't know
317
889087
2455
是她說如果是今天創造芝麻街的話，
15:03
whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today
318
891542
4339
她說愛發牢騷的奧斯卡
可能不會被創作出來，
可能不會被創作出來，
15:07
because he was too depressive.
319
895881
4898
因為牠太抑鬱了。
15:12
I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.
320
900779
2408
我的難過無法言喻。
15:15
(Laughter)
321
903187
1519
（笑聲）
15:16
You are looking at a woman
322
904706
1853
你正在看著的
是一位牆上掛著
布偶家族的元素周期表的女人，
布偶家族的元素周期表的女人，
15:18
who has a periodic table of the Muppets
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這就掛在我辦公室。
15:21
hanging from her cubicle wall.
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抑鬱的布偶就在這。
15:25
The offending muppet, right there.
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15:30
That's my son the day he was born.
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那是我兒子出生的那天，
15:35
I was high as a kite on morphine.
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我當時因為嗎啡
心情高亢得像風箏一樣，
心情高亢得像風箏一樣，
15:37
I had had an unexpected C-section.
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我做了沒預料到的剖腹手術。
15:41
But even in my opiate haze,
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不過即使在吸了麻醉霧氣的狀態下，
15:44
I managed to have one very clear thought
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在我第一次抱他時，
我成功抓住一個非常清楚的想法，
15:47
the first time I held him.
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15:50
I whispered it into his ear.
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我低聲傳進他的耳裡，
15:52
I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."
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我說：「我會竭盡心力不讓你受到傷害。」
16:01
It was the Hippocratic Oath,
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這是「希波克拉提克誓詞」，
16:02
and I didn't even know I was saying it.
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我甚至沒意識到我唸了它，
16:06
But it occurs to me now
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但是我現在想到，
16:08
that the Hippocratic Oath
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「希波克拉提克誓詞」
16:10
is a much more realistic aim than happiness.
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是個比「快樂」更真實的目標。
16:15
In fact, as any parent will tell you,
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實際上就像每對父母親說的，
16:18
it's awfully hard.
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這真的是困難到不行，
16:21
All of us have said or done hurtful things
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我們所有人都曾說過或做過
傷害人的事情，
傷害人的事情，
16:26
that we wish to God we could take back.
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那些向上帝許願，
希望我們可以收回的事。
希望我們可以收回的事。
16:32
I think in another era
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我想在另一個時代的話，
16:35
we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,
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我們不會期望
自己為小孩做到那麼多事，
自己為小孩做到那麼多事，
16:39
and it is important that we all remember that
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下次當我們站在書架前
16:42
the next time we are staring with our hearts racing
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看著那些書天人交戰時，
16:46
at those bookshelves.
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這點是很重要的，我們全都要記住了。
16:52
I'm not really sure how to create new norms
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我不是非常肯定如何建立新的準則
16:55
for this world,
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給這一個世界，
16:57
but I do think that
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不過我認為
17:00
in our desperate quest to create happy kids,
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在我們極度渴望養出快樂的小孩時，
17:03
we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.
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我們也許接受了不對的道德負擔。
17:06
It strikes me as a better goal,
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這讓我想到一個更好的目標，
17:08
and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,
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而且我大膽說是一個比較
道德高尚的目標：
道德高尚的目標：
17:10
to focus on making productive kids
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「要注重培養能做事的小孩、
17:13
and moral kids,
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還有行為良好的小孩」，
17:14
and to simply hope that happiness will come to them
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以及單單希望快樂會來到他們身邊，
17:16
by virtue of the good that they do
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透過他們所做出的好事、
17:19
and their accomplishments
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所達成的高尚品德；
17:21
and the love that they feel from us.
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還有他們從我們這裡感受到的愛。
17:24
That, anyway, is one response to having no script.
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這是面對沒有劇本時的一種回應方式，
17:30
Absent having new scripts,
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缺少了新的劇本，
17:33
we just follow the oldest ones in the book --
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我們只要遵從書上最舊的劇本：
17:37
decency, a work ethic, love —
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「正直、工作道義還有愛」，
17:43
and let happiness and self-esteem
take care of themselves.
take care of themselves.
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還有讓「快樂」跟「自尊」
自己管好自己，
自己管好自己，
17:47
I think if we all did that,
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我認為我們都這麼做的話，
17:49
the kids would still be all right,
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小孩子應該仍然沒有問題的，
17:52
and so would their parents,
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還有他們父母也一樣沒問題的，
17:55
possibly in both cases even better.
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非常有可能兩者都會更好。
17:59
Thank you.
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謝謝大家！
18:01
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jennifer Senior - WriterIn her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse.
Why you should listen
Jennifer Senior is a contributing editor at New York Magazine, where she writes profiles and cover stories about politics, social science and mental health. In a groundbreaking 2010 story for the magazine, called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting," she examined the social science around modern parenting, looking at happiness research from Dan Gilbert, Danny Kahneman and others, as well as anthropological research (she was an anthro major) around how families behave. Her conclusion: Hey, parents, it's okay not to feel blissfully happy all the time.
She expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
More profile about the speakerShe expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
Jennifer Senior | Speaker | TED.com