TED2014
Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar
Dženifer Senior (Jennifer Senior): Za roditelje, sreća je teško dostižan cilj
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Odeljak za roditelje u knjižari je zapanjujući – to je “džinovski, ružičasti spomenik našoj kolektivnoj panici”, kako to pisac Dženifer Senior formuliše. Zašto je roditeljstvo ispunjeno tolikim nespokojem? Zato što je cilj savremenih roditelja iz srednje klase – da stvore srećno dete – izuzetno nedostižan. Svojim iskrenim govorom ona nam nudi humanije i lakše ostvarive ciljeve.
Jennifer Senior - Writer
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
When I was born,
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Kada sam rođena,
00:14
there was really only one book
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postojala je samo jedna knjiga
00:15
about how to raise your children,
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o tome kako da podižete svoju decu,
00:17
and it was written by Dr. Spock.
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nju je napisao dr Spok.
00:20
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:22
Thank you for indulging me.
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Hvala za povlađivanje.
00:23
I have always wanted to do that.
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Oduvek sam želela da to uradim.
00:27
No, it was Benjamin Spock,
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Ne, bio je to Bendžamin Spok,
00:29
and his book was called "The Common
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
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a knjiga se zvala:
"Nega dece po dr Spoku".
"Nega dece po dr Spoku".
00:33
It sold almost 50 million copies
by the time he died.
by the time he died.
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Do njegove smrti, prodato je
skoro 50 miliona kopija knjige.
skoro 50 miliona kopija knjige.
00:39
Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,
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Danas, ja, kao majka šestogodišnjaka,
00:42
walk into Barnes and Noble,
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uđem u knjižaru
00:44
and see this.
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i vidim ovo.
00:47
And it is amazing
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Zadivljujuća je
00:49
the variety that one finds
on those shelves.
on those shelves.
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raznovrsnost koju možete naći
na tim policama.
na tim policama.
00:52
There are guides to raising
an eco-friendly kid,
an eco-friendly kid,
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Postoje uputstva kako da podignete
ekološki osvešćeno dete,
ekološki osvešćeno dete,
00:57
a gluten-free kid,
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bezglutensko dete,
00:59
a disease-proof kid,
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dete otporno na bolesti,
01:01
which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.
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što je, ako se ja pitam, malčice jezivo.
01:05
There are guides to raising a bilingual kid
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Postoje uputstva za podizanje
bilingvalnog deteta,
bilingvalnog deteta,
01:08
even if you only speak one language at home.
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čak i ako govorite samo
jedan jezik kod kuće.
jedan jezik kod kuće.
01:11
There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid
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Postoje uputstva za podizanje
deteta koje se razume u finansije,
deteta koje se razume u finansije,
01:14
and a science-minded kid
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i deteta s umom naučnika,
01:17
and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.
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i deteta koje je ekspert joge.
01:20
Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse
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Osim učenja kako da
vaše novorođenče razmontira
vaše novorođenče razmontira
01:23
a nuclear bomb,
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nuklearnu bombu,
01:25
there is pretty much a guide to everything.
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postoji vodič skoro za sve.
01:31
All of these books are well-intentioned.
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Sve ove knjige su dobronamerne.
01:34
I am sure that many of them are great.
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Sigurna sam da su mnoge od njih sjajne.
01:38
But taken together, I am sorry,
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No sveukupno, žao mi je,
01:42
I do not see help
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ne vidim pomoć
01:45
when I look at that shelf.
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kad pogledam na tu policu.
01:49
I see anxiety.
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Vidim nespokoj.
01:51
I see a giant candy-colored monument
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Vidim džinovski ružičasti spomenik
01:54
to our collective panic,
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našoj kolektivnoj panici.
01:57
and it makes me want to know,
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Zbog čega se pitam,
01:59
why is it that raising our children
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kako to da je podizanje naše dece
02:02
is associated with so much anguish
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povezano sa toliko muke
02:03
and so much confusion?
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i toliko nedoumica?
02:06
Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens
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Kako to da smo stali na krivu nogu
02:08
about the one thing human beings
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sa jedinom stvari koju su ljudska bića
02:11
have been doing successfully for millennia,
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obavljala uspešno milenijumima,
02:13
long before parenting message boards
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mnogo pre nego što su se blogovi
02:16
and peer-reviewed studies came along?
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i naučne studije
o roditeljstvu pojavili?
o roditeljstvu pojavili?
02:19
Why is it that so many mothers and fathers
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Zašto toliko majki i očeva
02:21
experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?
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doživljava roditeljstvo kao krizu?
02:28
Crisis might seem like a strong word,
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Kriza će vam se možda
učiniti kao prejaka reč,
učiniti kao prejaka reč,
02:30
but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.
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ali istraživanja pokazuju
da verovatno i nije.
da verovatno i nije.
02:33
There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,
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Postoji, zapravo, studija
koja se baš tako zove:
koja se baš tako zove:
02:36
"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,
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"Roditeljstvo kao kriza", objavljena 1957.
02:40
and in the 50-plus years since,
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i u narednih 50 i više godina,
02:42
there has been plenty of scholarship
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mnogi naučnici su
02:45
documenting a pretty clear pattern
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zabeležili prilično jasan obrazac
02:47
of parental anguish.
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muka roditeljstva.
02:49
Parents experience more stress than non-parents.
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Roditelji doživljavaju više stresa
od onih koji to nisu.
od onih koji to nisu.
02:52
Their marital satisfaction is lower.
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Njihovo bračno zadovoljstvo je manje.
02:55
There have been a number of studies
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Postoje brojne studije
02:57
looking at how parents feel
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o tome kako se roditelji
02:58
when they are spending time with their kids,
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osećaju dok provode
vreme sa svojom decom,
vreme sa svojom decom,
03:00
and the answer often is, not so great.
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a odgovor često i nije baš povoljan.
03:04
Last year, I spoke with a researcher
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Prošle godine sam
razgovarala s naučnikom
razgovarala s naučnikom
03:06
named Matthew Killingsworth
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po imenu Metju Kilingsvort,
03:08
who is doing a very, very imaginative project
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on sprovodi veoma,
veoma maštovite projekte
veoma maštovite projekte
03:11
that tracks people's happiness,
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koji se bave ljudskom srećom
03:13
and here is what he told me he found:
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i evo šta mi je rekao da je otkrio:
03:17
"Interacting with your friends
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"Druženje s prijateljima
03:19
is better than interacting with your spouse,
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je bolje od druženja
sa svojim supružnikom,
sa svojim supružnikom,
03:22
which is better than interacting with other relatives,
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što je bolje od druženja s rodbinom,
03:25
which is better than interacting with acquaintances,
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što je bolje od druženja s poznanicima,
03:28
which is better than interacting with parents,
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što je bolje od druženja s roditeljima,
03:31
which is better than interacting with children.
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što je bolje od druženja s decom,
03:35
Who are on par with strangers."
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koja su u istoj ravni sa strancima."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:41
But here's the thing.
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Ali evo šta je u pitanju.
03:44
I have been looking at what underlies these data
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Posmatrala sam tokom tri godine
03:47
for three years,
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šta se krije iza ovih podataka
03:49
and children are not the problem.
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i deca nisu problem.
03:52
Something about parenting right now at this moment
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Nešto u vezi sa roditeljstvom
baš sad u ovom momentu,
baš sad u ovom momentu,
03:57
is the problem.
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to je problem.
03:59
Specifically, I don't think we know
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Tačnije, mislim da mi ni ne znamo
04:01
what parenting is supposed to be.
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kako bi roditeljstvo trebalo da izgleda.
04:04
Parent, as a verb,
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Roditeljstvo, kao imenica,
04:06
only entered common usage in 1970.
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tek je ušlo u opštu upotrebu 1970.
04:10
Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.
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Naše uloge majki i očeva su se promenile.
04:14
The roles of our children have changed.
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Uloge naše dece su se promenile.
04:17
We are all now furiously improvising
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Svi mi sad žestoko improvizujemo
04:19
our way through a situation
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dok prolazimo kroz situacije
04:21
for which there is no script,
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za koje ne postoje uputstva.
04:24
and if you're an amazing jazz musician,
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Ukoliko ste izuzetan džez muzičar
04:26
then improv is great,
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onda je improvizacija sjajna,
04:29
but for the rest of us,
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ali za nas ostale
04:31
it can kind of feel like a crisis.
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nekako izgleda poput krize.
04:35
So how did we get here?
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Kako smo došli dovde?
04:37
How is it that we are all now navigating
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Kako to da svi sad plovimo
04:40
a child-rearing universe
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kroz univerzum dečje nege
04:41
without any norms to guide us?
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bez ikakvih pravila
kojima bismo se vodili?
kojima bismo se vodili?
04:44
Well, for starters, there has been
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Pa, za početak, desila se
04:46
a major historical change.
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velika istorijska promena.
04:48
Until fairly recently,
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Sve do nedavno,
04:50
kids worked, on our farms primarily,
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deca su radila, pre svega
na našim imanjima,
na našim imanjima,
04:54
but also in factories, mills, mines.
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ali takođe i u fabrikama,
mlinovima, rudnicima.
mlinovima, rudnicima.
04:57
Kids were considered economic assets.
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Deca su smatrana ekonomskim aktivom.
05:00
Sometime during the Progressive Era,
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Negde, tokom ere progresa,
05:02
we put an end to this arrangement.
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ukinuli smo ovakvo uređenje.
05:03
We recognized kids had rights,
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Shvatili smo da deca imaju prava,
05:06
we banned child labor,
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zabranili smo dečji rad,
05:07
we focused on education instead,
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usredsredili smo se
umesto toga na obrazovanje
umesto toga na obrazovanje
05:10
and school became a child's new work.
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te je škola postala
novo zanimanje za decu.
novo zanimanje za decu.
05:13
And thank God it did.
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I hvala bogu da jeste.
05:15
But that only made a parent's role
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No to je samo učinilo ulogu roditelja,
05:17
more confusing in a way.
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na neki način još nejasnijom.
05:19
The old arrangement might not have been
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Staro uređenje možda i nije bilo
05:20
particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.
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naročito etično,
ali je bilo recipročno.
ali je bilo recipročno.
05:24
We provided food, clothing, shelter,
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Mi smo obezbeđivali
hranu, odeću, sklonište
hranu, odeću, sklonište
05:26
and moral instruction to our kids,
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i moralne pouke našoj deci,
05:28
and they in return provided income.
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a ona su za uzvrat privređivala.
05:34
Once kids stopped working,
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Čim su deca prestala da rade,
05:36
the economics of parenting changed.
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ekonomija roditeljstva se promenila.
05:39
Kids became, in the words of one
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Deca su postala, prema rečima jednog
05:42
brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,
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briljantnog, mada potpuno
nemilosrdnog sociologa:
nemilosrdnog sociologa:
05:45
"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."
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"ekonomski bezvredna,
ali emocionalno neprocenjiva."
ali emocionalno neprocenjiva."
05:50
Rather than them working for us,
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Umesto da ona rade za nas,
05:52
we began to work for them,
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mi smo počeli da radimo za njih,
05:54
because within only a matter of decades
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jer je samo za nekoliko decenija
05:56
it became clear:
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postalo jasno:
05:57
if we wanted our kids to succeed,
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ako želimo da naša deca budu uspešna,
06:00
school was not enough.
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škola nije dovoljna.
06:03
Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,
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Danas su vannastavne aktivnosti
dečje novo zanimanje,
dečje novo zanimanje,
06:07
but that's work for us too,
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ali to je posao i za nas takođe,
06:09
because we are the ones
driving them to soccer practice.
driving them to soccer practice.
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jer mi smo ti koji ih vozimo
na fudbalski trening.
na fudbalski trening.
06:12
Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,
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Obimni domaći zadaci
su dečje novo zanimanje,
su dečje novo zanimanje,
06:15
but that's also work for us,
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ali to je takođe i naš posao,
06:17
because we have to check it.
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jer mi moramo da ih proveravamo.
06:19
About three years ago, a Texas woman
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Pre oko tri godine, jedna Teksašanka
06:21
told something to me
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mi je rekla nešto
06:22
that totally broke my heart.
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što mi je potpuno slomilo srce.
06:26
She said, almost casually,
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Rekla je, gotovo nonšalantno:
06:30
"Homework is the new dinner."
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"Domaći zadatak je nova večera."
06:34
The middle class now pours all of its time
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Srednja klasa danas
troši sve svoje vreme,
troši sve svoje vreme,
06:37
and energy and resources into its kids,
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energiju i sredstva na decu,
06:40
even though the middle class
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iako srednja klasa
06:41
has less and less of those things to give.
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ima sve manje i manje
svega ovoga da da.
svega ovoga da da.
06:45
Mothers now spend more time with their children
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Majke danas provode
više vremena sa svojom decom
više vremena sa svojom decom
06:48
than they did in 1965,
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nego što su 1965.,
06:51
when most women were not even in the workforce.
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kada većina žena nije pripadala
radnoj snazi.
radnoj snazi.
06:56
It would probably be easier for parents
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Verovatno bi roditeljima bilo lakše
06:58
to do their new roles
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da igraju svoje uloge
07:00
if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.
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kada bi znali za šta
pripremaju svoju decu.
pripremaju svoju decu.
07:03
This is yet another thing that
makes modern parenting
makes modern parenting
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Ovo je još jedna stvar
zbog koje je moderno roditeljstvo
zbog koje je moderno roditeljstvo
07:06
so very confounding.
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tako konfuzno.
07:08
We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,
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Nemamo predstavu koja će
naša mudrost, ako će ijedna,
naša mudrost, ako će ijedna,
07:11
is of use to our kids.
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da bude od koristi našoj deci.
07:13
The world is changing so rapidly,
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Svet se menja tako brzo,
07:15
it's impossible to say.
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da je nemoguće to znati.
07:17
This was true even when I was young.
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Tako je bilo čak i kad sam ja bila mlada.
07:19
When I was a kid, high school specifically,
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Kada sam bila dete,
tačnije u srednjoj školi,
tačnije u srednjoj školi,
07:22
I was told that I would be at sea
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rečeno mi je da ću da budem izgubljena
07:24
in the new global economy
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u novoj globalnoj ekonomiji
07:26
if I did not know Japanese.
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ukoliko ne budem govorila japanski.
07:30
And with all due respect to the Japanese,
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I, uz dužno poštovanje Japancima,
07:33
it didn't turn out that way.
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nije ispalo tako.
07:35
Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent
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Danas imamo tip
roditelja iz srednje klase
roditelja iz srednje klase
07:37
that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,
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koji je opsednut time da
njegova deca znaju mandarinski,
njegova deca znaju mandarinski,
07:40
and maybe they're onto something,
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i možda su na tragu nečega,
07:43
but we cannot know for sure.
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ali ne možemo da budemo sigurni.
07:45
So, absent being able to anticipate the future,
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Kako nismo u stanju
da predvidimo budućnost,
da predvidimo budućnost,
07:48
what we all do, as good parents,
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svi mi, kao dobri roditelji,
07:51
is try and prepare our kids
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pokušavamo da pripremimo našu decu
07:53
for every possible kind of future,
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na sve moguće ishode u budućnosti,
07:56
hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.
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nadajući se da će se
bar neki naš trud isplatiti.
bar neki naš trud isplatiti.
08:00
We teach our kids chess,
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Učimo našu decu šah,
08:02
thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.
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misleći da će im možda
trebati analitičke veštine.
trebati analitičke veštine.
08:04
We sign them up for team sports,
172
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2445
Upisujemo ih na timske sportove,
08:07
thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,
173
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3287
misleći kako će im možda
trebati veština saradnje,
trebati veština saradnje,
08:10
you know, for when they go
to Harvard Business School.
to Harvard Business School.
174
478561
2520
znate, ako upišu
Poslovnu školu na Harvadu.
Poslovnu školu na Harvadu.
08:13
We try and teach them to be financially savvy
175
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3229
Pokušavamo da ih naučimo
kako da razumeju finansije
kako da razumeju finansije
08:16
and science-minded and eco-friendly
176
484310
3457
i razmišljaju kao naučnici
i da budu ekološki osvešćeni
i da budu ekološki osvešćeni
08:19
and gluten-free,
177
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2966
i da žive bez glutena.
08:22
though now is probably a good time to tell you
178
490733
1972
Možda je sad dobar trenutak
da vam kažem
da vam kažem
08:24
that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.
179
492705
5540
da ja nisam bila ekološki osvešćena,
niti sam živela bez glutena.
niti sam živela bez glutena.
08:30
I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.
180
498245
4790
Pojela sam tegle i tegle
pasiranih makarona s govedinom.
pasiranih makarona s govedinom.
08:35
And you know what? I'm doing okay.
181
503035
2177
I znate šta? Ne ide mi loše.
08:37
I pay my taxes.
182
505212
2413
Plaćam porez.
08:39
I hold down a steady job.
183
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3217
Imam stalan posao.
08:42
I was even invited to speak at TED.
184
510842
4328
Čak su me i pozvali
da govorim na TED-u.
da govorim na TED-u.
08:47
But the presumption now is that
185
515170
1382
No danas živimo u ubeđenju
08:48
what was good enough for me,
or for my folks for that matter,
or for my folks for that matter,
186
516552
3398
da ono što je bilo dobro
za mene ili za moje roditelje,
za mene ili za moje roditelje,
08:51
isn't good enough anymore.
187
519950
1811
više nije dovoljno dobro.
08:53
So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,
188
521761
3664
Zato svi mi mahnito hrlimo
toj polici s knjigama,
toj polici s knjigama,
08:57
because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,
189
525425
3312
jer imamo osećaj da ako sve ne pokušamo,
09:00
it's as if we're doing nothing
190
528737
2130
biće kao da nismo uradili ništa
09:02
and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.
191
530867
5337
i kao da smo se oglušili
o obaveze prema našoj deci.
o obaveze prema našoj deci.
09:08
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles
192
536204
2608
Dovoljno nam je teško
snalaziti se u novim ulogama
snalaziti se u novim ulogama
09:10
as mothers and fathers.
193
538812
1522
majki i očeva.
09:12
Now add to this problem something else:
194
540334
2446
Sada tome dodajte i ovo:
09:14
we are also navigating new roles
195
542780
1928
mi se takođe snalazimo u novim ulogama
09:16
as husbands and wives
196
544708
1604
muževa i žena
09:18
because most women today are in the workforce.
197
546312
3648
jer je većina žena danas radna snaga.
09:21
This is another reason, I think,
198
549960
1530
Mislim da je ovo dodatni razlog
09:23
that parenthood feels like a crisis.
199
551490
2322
zašto se roditeljstvo čini poput krize.
09:25
We have no rules, no scripts, no norms
200
553812
2650
Ne postoje pravila, uputstva, norme
09:28
for what to do when a child comes along
201
556462
2540
koje bi nas pripremile
za dolazak deteta,
za dolazak deteta,
09:31
now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.
202
559002
3191
sada kada i mama i tata
zarađuju za hleb.
zarađuju za hleb.
09:34
The writer Michael Lewis once put this
203
562193
2405
Pisac Majkl Luis primetio je to
09:36
very, very well.
204
564598
1237
veoma, veoma dobro.
09:37
He said that the surest way
205
565835
2512
Rekao je da je najsigurniji način
09:40
for a couple to start fighting
206
568347
1795
da se par posvađa,
09:42
is for them to go out to dinner with another couple
207
570142
3028
taj da izađe na večeru s drugim parom
09:45
whose division of labor
208
573170
1185
čija je raspodela rada
09:46
is ever so slightly different from theirs,
209
574355
3610
iole drugačija od njihove,
09:49
because the conversation in
the car on the way home
the car on the way home
210
577965
3676
jer će razgovor u autu,
na putu do kuće,
na putu do kuće,
09:53
goes something like this:
211
581641
2217
da izgleda ovako:
09:56
"So, did you catch that Dave is the one
212
584775
4633
"Jesi li čuo da kod njih Dejv
10:01
who walks them to school every morning?"
213
589408
3901
svakog jutra vodi decu u školu?"
10:05
(Laughter)
214
593309
3821
(Smeh)
10:09
Without scripts telling us who does what
215
597742
2515
Bez uputstava koja bi nam
rekla šta je čiji posao
rekla šta je čiji posao
10:12
in this brave new world, couples fight,
216
600257
3049
u ovom vrlom novom svetu,
parovi se svađaju,
parovi se svađaju,
10:15
and both mothers and fathers each have
217
603306
3239
a i jedni i drugi imaju
10:18
their legitimate gripes.
218
606545
1930
osnov za žalbu.
10:20
Mothers are much more likely
219
608475
1855
Majke najverovatnije
10:22
to be multi-tasking when they are at home,
220
610330
2078
rade više poslova kada su kod kuće,
10:24
and fathers, when they are at home,
221
612408
2211
a očevi, kada su kod kuće,
10:26
are much more likely to be mono-tasking.
222
614619
2959
najverovatnije rade samo jedan posao.
10:29
Find a guy at home, and odds are
223
617578
2568
Pronađite muškarca
koji je kod kuće i sve su prilike
koji je kod kuće i sve su prilike
10:32
he is doing just one thing at a time.
224
620146
3761
da radi samo jedan posao.
10:35
In fact, UCLA recently did a study
225
623907
2904
Zapravo, nedavno je
Univerzitet u Kaliforniji uradio studiju
Univerzitet u Kaliforniji uradio studiju
10:38
looking at the most common configuration
226
626811
2533
u kojoj su posmatrali
najčešće konfiguracije
najčešće konfiguracije
10:41
of family members in middle-class homes.
227
629344
3046
porodičnih članova
u domaćinstvima srednje klase.
u domaćinstvima srednje klase.
10:44
Guess what it was?
228
632390
1733
Pogodite šta su otkrili?
10:46
Dad in a room by himself.
229
634123
2647
Tata je često sam u sobi.
10:48
According to the American Time Use Survey,
230
636770
2440
Prema istraživanju
"Kako amerikanci provode vreme",
"Kako amerikanci provode vreme",
10:51
mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,
231
639210
3225
majke i dalje dvostruko više
brinu o deci od očeva,
brinu o deci od očeva,
10:54
which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,
232
642435
3599
što je daleko bolje nego
u vreme Erme Bombek,
u vreme Erme Bombek,
10:58
but I still think that something she wrote
233
646034
2266
ali i dalje mislim
da ono što je ona napisala
da ono što je ona napisala
11:00
is highly relevant:
234
648300
2872
i danas stoji:
11:03
"I have not been alone in the
bathroom since October."
bathroom since October."
235
651172
3718
"Nisam bila sama
u kupatilu od oktobra."
u kupatilu od oktobra."
11:06
(Laughter)
236
654890
4334
(Smeh)
11:11
But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.
237
659224
4830
Ali evo o čemu se radi:
muškarci mnogo rade.
muškarci mnogo rade.
11:16
They spend more time with their kids
238
664054
1776
Provode više vremena sa svojom decom
11:17
than their fathers ever spent with them.
239
665830
3334
nego što su njihovi očevi
provodili s njima.
provodili s njima.
11:21
They work more paid hours, on average,
240
669164
1980
Rade više sati, u proseku,
11:23
than their wives,
241
671144
1693
nego njihove supruge,
11:24
and they genuinely want to be good,
242
672837
1834
i uistinu žele da budu dobri,
11:26
involved dads.
243
674671
1579
angažovani očevi.
11:28
Today, it is fathers, not mothers,
244
676250
3368
Danas se očevi, ne majke,
11:31
who report the most work-life conflict.
245
679618
4111
najčešće žale na konflikt
između posla i slobodnog vremena.
između posla i slobodnog vremena.
11:35
Either way, by the way,
246
683729
2232
Kako god, usput,
11:37
if you think it's hard for traditional families
247
685961
2335
ako mislite da je teško
tradicionalnim porodicama
tradicionalnim porodicama
11:40
to sort out these new roles,
248
688296
1624
da izađu na kraj s novim ulogama,
11:41
just imagine what it's like now
249
689920
1836
samo zamislite kako je danas
11:43
for non-traditional families:
250
691756
1895
netradicionalnim porodicama:
11:45
families with two dads, families with two moms,
251
693651
2595
porodicama s dvojicom očeva,
porodicama s dve mame,
porodicama s dve mame,
11:48
single-parent households.
252
696246
1705
samohranim roditeljima.
11:49
They are truly improvising as they go.
253
697951
4393
Oni uistinu improvizuju u hodu.
11:54
Now, in a more progressive country,
254
702344
3791
U naprednijim državama,
11:58
and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché
255
706135
2730
oprostićete mi što podležem klišeu
12:00
and invoking, yes, Sweden,
256
708865
3054
i prizivam, da, Švedsku,
12:03
parents could rely on the state
257
711919
2921
roditelji se mogu osloniti
12:06
for support.
258
714840
2649
na pomoć države.
12:09
There are countries that acknowledge
259
717489
1879
Postoje zemlje koje prepoznaju
12:11
the anxieties and the changing roles
260
719368
1433
strepnje i izmene u ulogama
12:12
of mothers and fathers.
261
720801
2364
majki i očeva.
12:15
Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,
262
723165
3264
Nažalost, SAD nije jedna od njih.
12:18
so in case you were wondering what the U.S.
263
726429
1965
Ukoliko ste se pitali šta SAD
12:20
has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,
264
728394
5303
ima zajedničko sa
Papuom Novom Gvinejom i Liberijom,
Papuom Novom Gvinejom i Liberijom,
12:25
it's this:
265
733697
3031
evo šta:
12:28
We too have no paid maternity leave policy.
266
736728
3727
ni mi nemamo plaćeno
porodiljsko bolovanje.
porodiljsko bolovanje.
12:32
We are one of eight known countries that does not.
267
740455
7247
Mi smo jedna od osam
poznatih zemalja koja to nema.
poznatih zemalja koja to nema.
12:39
In this age of intense confusion,
268
747702
3571
U ovom dobu intenzivne pometnje,
12:43
there is just one goal upon which
269
751273
3402
samo je jedan cilj oko kojeg
12:46
all parents can agree,
270
754675
1832
će svi roditelji da se slože,
12:48
and that is whether they are
271
756507
1464
i to bez obzira da li su
12:49
tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,
272
757971
4566
autoritarne mame, mame hipici,
prezaštitničke mame ili pritajene tigrice,
prezaštitničke mame ili pritajene tigrice,
12:54
our kids' happiness is paramount.
273
762537
4141
sreća naše dece je najvažnija.
12:58
That is what it means
274
766678
1882
Eto šta znači
13:00
to raise kids in an age
275
768560
2450
podizanje dece u vremenu
13:03
when they are economically worthless
276
771010
2225
u kome su ekonomski bezvredna,
13:05
but emotionally priceless.
277
773235
2245
ali emocionalno neprocenjiva.
13:07
We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.
278
775480
3400
Svi smo mi čuvari
njihovog samopoštovanja.
njihovog samopoštovanja.
13:10
The one mantra no parent ever questions is,
279
778880
3833
Mantra u koju ni jedan
roditelj ne sumnja glasi:
roditelj ne sumnja glasi:
13:14
"All I want is for my children to be happy."
280
782713
5731
"Sve što želim svom detetu
je da bude srećno."
je da bude srećno."
13:20
And don't get me wrong:
281
788444
1713
I nemojte me pogrešno shvatiti,
13:22
I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.
282
790157
4880
mislim da je dečja sreća izuzetan cilj.
13:27
But it is a very elusive one.
283
795037
3706
Ali je i veoma nedostižan cilj.
13:30
Happiness and self-confidence,
284
798743
3940
Sreća i samopuzdanje,
13:34
teaching children that is not like teaching them
285
802683
1981
učiti decu tome, nije isto kao učiti ih
13:36
how to plow a field.
286
804664
1516
kako da uzoru njivu.
13:38
It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.
287
806180
2701
Nije isto kao učiti ih
kako da voze bicikl.
kako da voze bicikl.
13:40
There's no curriculum for it.
288
808881
2557
Ne postoji nastavni plan za to.
13:43
Happiness and self-confidence can
be the byproducts of other things,
be the byproducts of other things,
289
811438
3597
Sreća i samopouzdanje mogu
da budu nusproizvodi nečeg drugog,
da budu nusproizvodi nečeg drugog,
13:47
but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.
290
815035
3055
ali ne mogu zaista da budu
ciljevi za sebe.
ciljevi za sebe.
13:50
A child's happiness
291
818090
1666
Dečja sreća
13:51
is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.
292
819756
3755
je veoma nepravedno breme
za roditelje.
za roditelje.
13:55
And happiness is an even more unfair burden
293
823521
2838
Sreća je još nepravednije breme
13:58
to place on a kid.
294
826359
2840
za decu.
14:01
And I have to tell you,
295
829199
2023
I moram da vam kažem
14:03
I think it leads to some very strange excesses.
296
831222
3882
kako mislim da to vodi
u izuzetno čudne krajnosti.
u izuzetno čudne krajnosti.
14:07
We are now so anxious
297
835104
2402
Toliko se brinemo
14:09
to protect our kids from the world's ugliness
298
837506
3318
da zaštitimo decu od nakaznosti sveta
14:12
that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."
299
840824
4752
da ih danas štitimo od "Ulice Sezam".
14:17
I wish I could say I was kidding about this,
300
845576
2136
Volela bih da mogu
da kažem kako se šalim,
da kažem kako se šalim,
14:19
but if you go out and you buy
301
847712
2672
ali ako krenete da kupite
14:22
the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,
302
850384
2939
prvih nekoliko epizoda
"Ulice Sezam" na DVD-ju,
"Ulice Sezam" na DVD-ju,
14:25
as I did out of nostalgia,
303
853323
3081
kao što sam ja, zbog nostalgije,
14:28
you will find a warning at the beginning
304
856404
3113
zateći ćete upozorenje na početku
14:31
saying that the content is not suitable
305
859517
2630
koje vam kaže kako
taj sadržaj nije pogodan
taj sadržaj nije pogodan
14:34
for children.
306
862147
1768
za decu.
14:35
(Laughter)
307
863915
2110
(Smeh)
14:38
Can I just repeat that?
308
866025
1205
Mogu li to da ponovim?
14:39
The content of the original "Sesame Street"
309
867230
2631
Sadržaj originalne "Ulice Sezam"
14:41
is not suitable for children.
310
869861
3342
nije pogodan za decu.
14:45
When asked about this by The New York Times,
311
873203
3642
Kada ju je Njujork tajms upitao o ovome,
14:48
a producer for the show gave
a variety of explanations.
a variety of explanations.
312
876845
3305
producentkinja serije
je ponudila niz obrazloženja.
je ponudila niz obrazloženja.
14:52
One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe
313
880150
2759
Jedno od njih je
da Keksomlat puši lulu
da Keksomlat puši lulu
14:54
in one skit and then swallowed it.
314
882909
1761
u jednom skeču i potom je proguta.
14:56
Bad modeling. I don't know.
315
884670
1435
Loš uzor. Pojma nemam.
14:58
But the thing that stuck with me
316
886105
2982
Ali ono što mi se urezalo u sećanje
15:01
is she said that she didn't know
317
889087
2455
je da je rekla kako nije sigurna
15:03
whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today
318
891542
4339
da li bi Oskar mogao da bude
izmišljen u današnjem vremenu
izmišljen u današnjem vremenu
15:07
because he was too depressive.
319
895881
4898
jer je isuviše depresivan.
15:12
I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.
320
900779
2408
Ne mogu da vam opišem
koliko me ovo pogađa.
koliko me ovo pogađa.
15:15
(Laughter)
321
903187
1519
(Smeh)
15:16
You are looking at a woman
322
904706
1853
Gledate u ženu,
15:18
who has a periodic table of the Muppets
323
906559
3044
s periodnim sistemom Mapeta
15:21
hanging from her cubicle wall.
324
909603
3792
koji vise na zidu njenog odeljenja.
15:25
The offending muppet, right there.
325
913395
3759
Uvredljivi Mapet je tačno tu.
15:30
That's my son the day he was born.
326
918239
4786
Ovo je moj sin onog dana kad se rodio.
15:35
I was high as a kite on morphine.
327
923025
2192
Zbog morfijuma sam lebdela poput zmaja.
15:37
I had had an unexpected C-section.
328
925217
3863
Imala sam neočekivani carski rez.
15:41
But even in my opiate haze,
329
929080
3516
No čak i kroz svoju opijatsku izmaglicu,
15:44
I managed to have one very clear thought
330
932596
2933
uspela sam da uhvatim jednu jasnu misao
15:47
the first time I held him.
331
935529
2952
dok sam ga držala prvi put u naručju.
15:50
I whispered it into his ear.
332
938481
1904
Prošaputala sam mu na uho.
15:52
I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."
333
940385
8884
Rekla sam: "Daću sve
od sebe da te ne povredim."
od sebe da te ne povredim."
16:01
It was the Hippocratic Oath,
334
949269
1320
Bila je to Hipokratova zakletva,
16:02
and I didn't even know I was saying it.
335
950589
3878
a ja nisam ni znala da je izgovaram.
16:06
But it occurs to me now
336
954467
2324
No sad mi pada na pamet
16:08
that the Hippocratic Oath
337
956791
2079
kako je Hipokratova zakletva
16:10
is a much more realistic aim than happiness.
338
958870
4332
daleko realističniji cilj od sreće.
16:15
In fact, as any parent will tell you,
339
963202
3600
Zapravo, kao što će
svaki roditelj da vam kaže,
svaki roditelj da vam kaže,
16:18
it's awfully hard.
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to je užasno teško.
16:21
All of us have said or done hurtful things
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Svi smo mi izgovorili
ili uradili nešto uvredljivo
ili uradili nešto uvredljivo
16:26
that we wish to God we could take back.
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što bismo rado povukli.
16:32
I think in another era
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Mislim da u prošlosti
16:35
we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,
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nismo toliko očekivali od sebe
16:39
and it is important that we all remember that
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i važno je da svi to zapamtimo
16:42
the next time we are staring with our hearts racing
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sledeći put kad budemo zurili,
dok nam srca lupaju,
dok nam srca lupaju,
16:46
at those bookshelves.
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u te police s knjigama.
16:52
I'm not really sure how to create new norms
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Nisam baš sigurna
kako da stvorimo nova pravila
kako da stvorimo nova pravila
16:55
for this world,
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za ovaj svet,
16:57
but I do think that
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ali verujem da,
17:00
in our desperate quest to create happy kids,
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u svom očajničkom pohodu
ka stvaranju srećnog deteta,
ka stvaranju srećnog deteta,
17:03
we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.
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možda preuzimamo
pogrešno moralno breme.
pogrešno moralno breme.
17:06
It strikes me as a better goal,
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Pada mi na pamet kako je bolji cilj
17:08
and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,
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i, usudiću se da kažem, uzvišeniji
17:10
to focus on making productive kids
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da se usredsredimo
na stvaranje produktivne dece
na stvaranje produktivne dece
17:13
and moral kids,
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i moralne dece,
17:14
and to simply hope that happiness will come to them
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i da se prosto nadamo
da će sreća da proizađe
da će sreća da proizađe
17:16
by virtue of the good that they do
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iz dobra koje čine
17:19
and their accomplishments
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i iz njihovih postignuća
17:21
and the love that they feel from us.
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i ljubavi koju osećaju od nas.
17:24
That, anyway, is one response to having no script.
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To je, svakako, jedan od odgovora
na nepostojanje uputstava.
na nepostojanje uputstava.
17:30
Absent having new scripts,
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Kako nemamo nova uputstva,
17:33
we just follow the oldest ones in the book --
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mi prosto pratimo
ona najstarija u knjizi -
ona najstarija u knjizi -
17:37
decency, a work ethic, love —
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pristojnost, radnu etiku, ljubav -
17:43
and let happiness and self-esteem
take care of themselves.
take care of themselves.
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a neka se sreća i samopoštovanje
postaraju sami za sebe.
postaraju sami za sebe.
17:47
I think if we all did that,
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Verujem da kad bismo
svi postupali ovako,
svi postupali ovako,
17:49
the kids would still be all right,
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deca bi i dalje bila u redu,
17:52
and so would their parents,
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a i njihovi bi roditelji,
17:55
possibly in both cases even better.
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moguće u oba slučaja čak i bolje.
17:59
Thank you.
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Hvala.
18:01
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jennifer Senior - WriterIn her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse.
Why you should listen
Jennifer Senior is a contributing editor at New York Magazine, where she writes profiles and cover stories about politics, social science and mental health. In a groundbreaking 2010 story for the magazine, called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting," she examined the social science around modern parenting, looking at happiness research from Dan Gilbert, Danny Kahneman and others, as well as anthropological research (she was an anthro major) around how families behave. Her conclusion: Hey, parents, it's okay not to feel blissfully happy all the time.
She expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
More profile about the speakerShe expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
Jennifer Senior | Speaker | TED.com