TEDxOhioStateUniversity
Tanya Menon: The secret to great opportunities? The person you haven't met yet
唐雅·梅农: 拥有重大机遇的秘诀？在于你还未遇到的人
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我们经常会觉得自己陷入狭窄的社交圈中，身边都是同类人。什么样的习惯限制了我们，我们又该如何打破它呢？组织心理学家唐雅·梅农介绍了我们应该如何更积极地面对扩大社交网，以及这会如何引发新的观点和机遇。
Tanya Menon - Organizational psychologist
Tanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people. Full bio
Tanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I started teaching MBA students
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17年前我开始教授
MBA课程
00:15
17 years ago.
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00:17
Sometimes I run into
my students years later.
my students years later.
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有时会在几年之后
碰到以前教过的学生
碰到以前教过的学生
当我遇见他们时
有个很有意思的现象
有个很有意思的现象
00:20
And when I run into them,
a funny thing happens.
a funny thing happens.
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我不仅记得他们的脸
00:23
I don't remember just their faces;
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也记得他们坐在
教室的哪个位置
教室的哪个位置
00:25
I also remember where exactly
in the classroom they were sitting.
in the classroom they were sitting.
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和谁坐在一起
00:30
And I remember who
they were sitting with as well.
they were sitting with as well.
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这不是因为我有什么
记忆超能力
记忆超能力
00:33
This is not because I have
any special superpowers of memory.
any special superpowers of memory.
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我之所以能记得学生们
00:38
The reason I can remember them
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是因为他们都是
跟着习惯走的人
跟着习惯走的人
00:40
is because they are creatures of habit.
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总会与最喜欢的人
坐在最喜欢的位子
坐在最喜欢的位子
00:43
They are sitting with their
favorite people in their favorite seats.
favorite people in their favorite seats.
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他们会找一个形影不离的伙伴
然后一整年都和他待在一起
然后一整年都和他待在一起
00:47
They find their twins,
they stay with them for the whole year.
they stay with them for the whole year.
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00:51
Now, the danger of this
for my students is they're at risk
for my students is they're at risk
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他们这样做是有风险的
当学生们离开大学步入社会
当学生们离开大学步入社会
00:56
of leaving the university
with just a few people
with just a few people
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他们很可能只认识很少的人
并且还与他们很像
01:00
who are exactly like them.
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他们会浪费掉接触国际化
多样化关系网的机会
多样化关系网的机会
01:01
They're going to squander their chance
for an international, diverse network.
for an international, diverse network.
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01:06
How could this happen to them?
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这是如何发生的呢
我的学生们思想开放
01:07
My students are open-minded.
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他们来到商学院正
是为了扩大社交圈子
是为了扩大社交圈子
01:09
They come to business school precisely
so that they can get great networks.
so that they can get great networks.
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01:14
Now, all of us socially narrow
in our lives, in our school, in work,
in our lives, in our school, in work,
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我们所有人的社交圈都很有限
在生活 学校 工作中都是如此
在生活 学校 工作中都是如此
因此我希望大家可以
思考一下这个问题
思考一下这个问题
01:20
and so I want you to think about this one.
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你们当中有多少人
带了朋友来听讲座
带了朋友来听讲座
01:22
How many of you here
brought a friend along for this talk?
brought a friend along for this talk?
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01:27
I want you to look
at your friend a little bit.
at your friend a little bit.
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我希望你看看自己身边的朋友
01:31
Are they of the same nationality as you?
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他们与你是否国籍相同
01:34
Are they of the same gender as you?
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是否性别相同
与你的种族是否一样
01:37
Are they of the same race?
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仔细好好看看他们
01:38
Really look at them closely.
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他们是不是也有点像你自己
01:41
Don't they kind of look like you as well?
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（笑声）
01:43
(Laughter)
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身强体壮的在一起
01:44
The muscle people are together,
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发型相似的人在一起
01:45
and the people with the same hairstyles
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穿着差不多衬衫的人在一起
01:47
and the checked shirts.
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01:50
We all do this in life.
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在生活中 我们都会如此
实际上这样做并没有什么错
01:51
We all do it in life, and in fact,
there's nothing wrong with this.
there's nothing wrong with this.
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与自己相似的人在一起
让我们感到自在
让我们感到自在
01:55
It makes us comfortable to be
around people who are similar.
around people who are similar.
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问题是当我们遇到困难时该怎么办
01:59
The problem is when
we're on a precipice, right?
we're on a precipice, right?
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当我们遇到麻烦
需要新的想法
需要新的想法
02:02
When we're in trouble,
when we need new ideas,
when we need new ideas,
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想换个新工作
或是需要新的资源
或是需要新的资源
02:04
when we need new jobs,
when we need new resources --
when we need new resources --
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这就是我们为小圈子生活
付出代价的时候
付出代价的时候
02:08
this is when we really pay a price
for living in a clique.
for living in a clique.
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02:13
Mark Granovetter, the sociologist,
had a famous paper
had a famous paper
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社会学家马克·格拉诺维特
有一篇著名论文
有一篇著名论文
叫做《弱关系的力量》
02:18
"The Strength of Weak Ties,"
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他在这篇论文中询问人们
02:20
and what he did in this paper
is he asked people
is he asked people
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是如何找到工作的
02:22
how they got their jobs.
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他从中了解到
大多数人得到工作
大多数人得到工作
02:24
And what he learned was that
most people don't get their jobs
most people don't get their jobs
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并不是通过关系紧密的人
例如父亲 母亲或伴侣
例如父亲 母亲或伴侣
02:27
through their strong ties -- their father,
their mother, their significant other.
their mother, their significant other.
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相反 他们会通过那些刚认识的人
关系不紧密的人获得工作
关系不紧密的人获得工作
02:31
They instead get jobs through weak ties,
people who they just met.
people who they just met.
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因此 思考一下你和
身边最重要的人
身边最重要的人
02:36
So if you think about what
the problem is with your strong ties,
the problem is with your strong ties,
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比如你的伴侣
之间出了什么问题
之间出了什么问题
02:39
think about your
significant other, for example.
significant other, for example.
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这种人际网是多余的
02:42
The network is redundant.
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他们认识的每个人你也都认识
02:43
Everybody that they know, you know.
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我希望你也认识他们
02:46
Or I hope you know them. Right?
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与你关系不紧密的人
你今天刚见过的人
你今天刚见过的人
02:49
Your weak ties --
people you just met today --
people you just met today --
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他们才是你打开
社交大门的通行证
社交大门的通行证
02:51
they are your ticket
to a whole new social world.
to a whole new social world.
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02:55
The thing is that we have this amazing
ticket to travel our social worlds,
ticket to travel our social worlds,
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事实上 我们都拥有这张通行证
但是并没有善加利用
03:00
but we don't use it very well.
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有时候 我们和家庭成员异常亲近
03:01
Sometimes we stay awfully close to home.
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现在 我想要说的是
03:04
And today, what I want to talk about is:
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那些让人类如此恋家的习惯是什么
03:06
What are those habits that keep
human beings so close to home,
human beings so close to home,
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我们如何能更积极地
03:10
and how can we be
a little bit more intentional
a little bit more intentional
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对待扩大社交圈子这件事
03:13
about traveling our social universe?
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03:15
So let's look at the first strategy.
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我们先来看第一条策略
03:18
The first strategy is to use
a more imperfect social search engine.
a more imperfect social search engine.
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第一条是说
要使用不完美的社交搜索引擎
要使用不完美的社交搜索引擎
这里的社交搜索引擎
03:24
What I mean by a social search engine
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指的是你如何找到和筛选你的朋友
03:26
is how you are finding
and filtering your friends.
and filtering your friends.
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03:31
And so people always tell me,
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因此人们经常跟我说
我想要通过社交获得好运
03:33
"I want to get lucky through the network.
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我想要一个新工作
我想要获得很棒的机会
我想要获得很棒的机会
03:35
I want to get a new job.
I want to get a great opportunity."
I want to get a great opportunity."
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我会说 这是很困难的
03:38
And I say, "Well, that's really hard,
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因为你的社交圈子
根本上来讲是可预测的
根本上来讲是可预测的
03:40
because your networks
are so fundamentally predictable."
are so fundamentally predictable."
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详细列出你一天生活的轨迹
03:43
Map out your habitual daily footpath,
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你很可能发现每天从家里出发
03:46
and what you'll probably discover
is that you start at home,
is that you start at home,
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去学校或者去工作
03:50
you go to your school or your workplace,
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你可能走同样的楼梯或电梯
03:52
you maybe go up
the same staircase or elevator,
the same staircase or elevator,
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你去同样的洗手间
03:55
you go to the bathroom --
the same bathroom --
the same bathroom --
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同一个洗手间位置相同的隔间
03:58
and the same stall in that bathroom,
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最后你会去健身房
04:00
you end up in the gym,
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之后回到家里
04:01
then you come right back home.
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这就像是列车停靠的站点一样
04:03
It's like stops on a train schedule.
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完全可以预测
04:05
It's that predictable.
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它很高效 但问题是
你见到的都是相同的人
你见到的都是相同的人
04:06
It's efficient, but the problem is,
you're seeing exactly the same people.
you're seeing exactly the same people.
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让你的人际网络不太高效
04:12
Make your network
slightly more inefficient.
slightly more inefficient.
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去另一层楼的洗手间
04:15
Go to a bathroom on a different floor.
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你会遇到从来没遇到的人
04:18
You encounter a whole new
network of people.
network of people.
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04:21
The other side of it is how
we are actually filtering.
we are actually filtering.
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另一方面 我们实际上也在进行筛选
我们自动进行筛选
04:26
And we do this automatically.
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我们在见到某人时
会先打量一番
会先打量一番
04:28
The minute we meet someone,
we are looking at them, we meet them,
we are looking at them, we meet them,
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通过第一眼观察
04:31
we are initially seeing,
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便会判断 这人很有趣
04:32
"You're interesting."
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这人很无聊 这人用得着
04:33
"You're not interesting."
"You're relevant."
"You're relevant."
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我们会自动开始筛选
根本无法控制
根本无法控制
04:36
We do this automatically.
We can't even help it.
We can't even help it.
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我鼓励大家对抗这种筛选机制
04:38
And what I want to encourage you
to do instead is to fight your filters.
to do instead is to fight your filters.
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我希望你环视这间屋子
04:42
I want you to take a look
around this room,
around this room,
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找出你看到的最无趣的人
04:45
and I want you to identify
the least interesting person that you see,
the least interesting person that you see,
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然后在下一次茶歇时
和他认识一下
和他认识一下
04:49
and I want you to connect with them
over the next coffee break.
over the next coffee break.
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我希望你更进一步
04:52
And I want you to go
even further than that.
even further than that.
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04:54
What I want you to do is find
the most irritating person you see as well
the most irritating person you see as well
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找到那个让你看上去觉得
最招人讨厌的人
最招人讨厌的人
跟他认识一下
04:59
and connect with them.
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这项练习是强迫你自己
05:01
What you are doing with this exercise
is you are forcing yourself
is you are forcing yourself
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05:08
to see what you don't want to see,
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去观察那些你不想看到的
去认识那些你不想认识的人
05:10
to connect with who
you don't want to connect with,
you don't want to connect with,
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这样就扩宽了你的社交圈
05:13
to widen your social world.
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如果想要真正地扩大你的圈子
05:15
To truly widen, what we have to do is,
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我们需要对抗我们的感觉
05:18
we've got to fight our sense of choice.
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对抗让你做出选择的感觉
05:20
We've got to fight our choices.
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我的学生都很讨厌这样做
但你知道我是怎么做的么
但你知道我是怎么做的么
05:22
And my students hate this,
but you know what I do?
but you know what I do?
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我不让他们坐在自己喜欢的座位上
05:24
I won't let them sit
in their favorite seats.
in their favorite seats.
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我让他们换其他位置坐
05:27
I move them around from seat to seat.
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我迫使他们和不同的人一起
05:29
I force them to work with different people
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因此在社交圈中就出现了
更多意外的碰撞
更多意外的碰撞
05:31
so there are more accidental
bumps in the network
bumps in the network
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通过这些碰撞
人们有机会认识彼此
人们有机会认识彼此
05:34
where people get a chance
to connect with each other.
to connect with each other.
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我们在哈佛大学
对这种干预方法进行了研究
对这种干预方法进行了研究
05:36
And we studied exactly this kind
of an intervention at Harvard University.
of an intervention at Harvard University.
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在哈佛 你观察室友群体时
05:41
At Harvard, when you look at
the rooming groups,
the rooming groups,
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大一新生并不选择自己的室友
05:44
there's freshman rooming groups,
people are not choosing those roommates.
people are not choosing those roommates.
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他们来自不同种族 不同民族
05:48
They're of all different races,
all different ethnicities.
all different ethnicities.
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也许人们一开始会感觉不自在
05:51
Maybe people are initially uncomfortable
with those roommates,
with those roommates,
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但令人惊讶的是
05:54
but the amazing thing is,
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一年之后
05:55
at the end of a year with those students,
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同学们能够克服一开始的不适
05:57
they're able to overcome
that initial discomfort.
that initial discomfort.
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他们能够发现和其他人
深层次的共同点
深层次的共同点
06:01
They're able to find deep-level
commonalities with people.
commonalities with people.
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这里的关键不只是
带某人去喝咖啡
带某人去喝咖啡
06:04
So the takeaway here is not just
"take someone out to coffee."
"take someone out to coffee."
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而是更微妙的东西
06:10
It's a little more subtle.
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是 去咖啡厅
06:11
It's "go to the coffee room."
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研究者谈论社交中心时认为
06:14
When researchers talk about social hubs,
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社交中心的特殊之处
在于你无法选择
在于你无法选择
06:16
what makes a social hub so special
is you can't choose;
is you can't choose;
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你不能预测你会在那儿遇到谁
06:20
you can't predict who
you're going to meet in that place.
you're going to meet in that place.
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在这里 一个有趣的悖论是
06:24
And so with these social hubs,
the paradox is, interestingly enough,
the paradox is, interestingly enough,
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要想达到随机性
06:29
to get randomness,
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实际上需要一些规划
06:31
it requires, actually, some planning.
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在我曾经工作的一所大学中
06:33
In one university that I worked at,
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每一层楼都有一间收发室
06:36
there was a mail room
on every single floor.
on every single floor.
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这意味着 在那里遇到的人
06:38
What that meant is that the only people
who would bump into each other
who would bump into each other
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都工作在同一楼层
06:42
are those who are actually on that floor
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他们通过其他方式也总能遇到
06:44
and who are bumping
into each other anyway.
into each other anyway.
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在另一所我曾工作的大学中
只有一件收发室
只有一件收发室
06:46
At another university I worked at,
there was only one mail room,
there was only one mail room,
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因此全楼的教职工
06:49
so all the faculty
from all over that building
from all over that building
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06:52
would run into each other
in that social hub.
in that social hub.
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都会在这个小中心遇到彼此
06:56
A simple change in planning,
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只是在规划上做一个小的改变
06:59
a huge difference in the traffic of people
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就会带来人员流动的巨大差异
07:02
and the accidental bumps in the network.
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也会产生社交圈中意外的碰撞
07:04
Here's my question for you:
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问大家一个问题
07:06
What are you doing that breaks you
from your social habits?
from your social habits?
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为了改掉社交习惯
你做了哪些事情
你做了哪些事情
07:10
Where do you find yourself
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你会去哪些地方
与各种各样的人不期而遇
07:11
in places where you get injections
of unpredictable diversity?
of unpredictable diversity?
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07:17
And my students give me
some wonderful examples.
some wonderful examples.
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我的学生给出了一些很棒的示范
他们会去篮球场
与陌生人打篮球
与陌生人打篮球
07:19
They tell me when they're doing
pickup basketball games,
pickup basketball games,
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07:22
or my favorite example
is when they go to a dog park.
is when they go to a dog park.
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我很喜欢的一个想法是
一些学生会去小狗公园
一些学生会去小狗公园
这些学生表示这比网上约会更好
07:25
They tell me it's even better
than online dating when they're there.
than online dating when they're there.
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因此 我需要你们思考的是
07:29
So the real thing that
I want you to think about
I want you to think about
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我们需要对抗自己的筛选机制
07:33
is we've got to fight our filters.
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我们需要让自己更低效一些
07:35
We've got to make ourselves
a little more inefficient,
a little more inefficient,
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这样就产生了
一个更不精确的社交搜索引擎
一个更不精确的社交搜索引擎
07:38
and by doing so, we are creating
a more imprecise social search engine.
a more imprecise social search engine.
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你们就创造出了随机性
07:43
And you're creating that randomness,
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还有那些好运气
在结识更多人的过程中
在结识更多人的过程中
07:46
that luck that is going to cause you
to widen your travels,
to widen your travels,
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帮助你扩宽社交圈
07:48
through your social universe.
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07:50
But in fact, there's more to it than that.
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而事实还不仅如此
07:53
Sometimes we actually buy ourselves
a second-class ticket
a second-class ticket
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有时候我们会在结识他人的过程中
给自己一些不利条件
07:58
to travel our social universe.
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08:00
We are not courageous
when we reach out to people.
when we reach out to people.
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我们不够勇敢去主动认识他人
我来给大家举一个例子
08:04
Let me give you an example of that.
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几年前的一个多事之秋
08:06
A few years ago, I had
a very eventful year.
a very eventful year.
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08:09
That year, I managed to lose a job,
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我辞掉了工作
08:12
I managed to get a dream job
overseas and accept it,
overseas and accept it,
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接受了一个梦寐以求的海外工作
下一个月我怀孕了
08:15
I had a baby the next month,
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我非常虚弱
08:17
I got very sick,
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无法从事那项工作
08:18
I was unable to take the dream job.
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08:21
And so in a few weeks,
what ended up happening was,
what ended up happening was,
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结果就是 在几周之后
我教师的身份没有了
08:24
I lost my identity as a faculty member,
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新的身份是一个充满压力的母亲
08:27
and I got a very stressful
new identity as a mother.
new identity as a mother.
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我从其他人那里获得了很多建议
08:30
What I also got was tons
of advice from people.
of advice from people.
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在这些建议中
我最鄙视的一条就是
我最鄙视的一条就是
08:33
And the advice I despised
more than any other advice was,
more than any other advice was,
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你得去和每个人打打交道
08:36
"You've got to go network with everybody."
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当你的内心世界濒临崩塌
08:38
When your psychological world
is breaking down,
is breaking down,
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最困难的事情就是尝试
08:41
the hardest thing to do
is to try and reach out
is to try and reach out
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08:44
and build up your social world.
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主动建立自己的社交圈
因此我们在更大范围
上研究了这个观点
上研究了这个观点
08:46
And so we studied exactly this idea
on a much larger scale.
on a much larger scale.
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08:51
What we did was we looked at high
and low socioeconomic status people,
and low socioeconomic status people,
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我们观察了社会经济地位高
和地位低的两组人
和地位低的两组人
将其置于两种情况
08:57
and we looked at them in two situations.
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我们先以基准情况进行观察
08:59
We looked at them first
in a baseline condition,
in a baseline condition,
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他们表现都十分自如
09:02
when they were quite comfortable.
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09:04
And what we found was that
our lower socioeconomic status people,
our lower socioeconomic status people,
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之后我们发现
社会经济地位低的人们
社会经济地位低的人们
09:07
when they were comfortable,
were actually reaching out to more people.
were actually reaching out to more people.
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会在主动接触更多人的
时候感到更加自如
时候感到更加自如
他们希望认识更多人
09:11
They thought of more people.
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相比于社会经济地位更高的人群
09:12
They were also less constrained
in how they were networking.
in how they were networking.
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地位低的人在结交朋友时也更放得开
09:15
They were thinking of more diverse people
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想要接触更多样化的人群
09:17
than the higher-status people.
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然后我们让他们考虑失去工作
09:19
Then we asked them
to think about maybe losing a job.
to think about maybe losing a job.
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以此作为一种威慑
09:22
We threatened them.
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当他们一旦开始思考这一点
09:23
And once they thought about that,
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09:25
the networks they generated
completely differed.
completely differed.
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他们构建的社交网变得完全不同
09:28
The lower socioeconomic status
people reached inwards.
people reached inwards.
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社会经济地位低的人不再接触外界
他们会考虑到更少的人
09:32
They thought of fewer people.
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多元化程度也降低
09:33
They thought of less-diverse people.
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09:36
The higher socioeconomic status
people thought of more people,
people thought of more people,
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社会经济地位高的人
会考虑到更多的人
会考虑到更多的人
09:39
they thought of a broader network,
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和更宽的社交圈
他们会认定自己会
不惧困难 重新振作
不惧困难 重新振作
09:41
they were positioning themselves
to bounce back from that setback.
to bounce back from that setback.
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09:46
Let's consider what this actually means.
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我们思考一下这意味着什么
09:49
Imagine that you were being
spontaneously unfriended
spontaneously unfriended
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设想你的社交圈里所有人都与你
解除好友关系
09:53
by everyone in your network
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除了你的爸爸妈妈和你家的狗
09:56
other than your mom,
your dad and your dog.
your dad and your dog.
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（笑声）
10:00
(Laughter)
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这本质上就是我们正在做的事情
10:01
This is essentially what we are doing
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在我们最需要朋友的时刻
10:03
at these moments when
we need our networks the most.
we need our networks the most.
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10:08
Imagine -- this is what we're doing.
We're doing it to ourselves.
We're doing it to ourselves.
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想象一下 这就是我们正在对自己做的事
我们在精神上压制自己的关系网
10:11
We are mentally compressing our networks
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当我们受到侵犯时
当我们被欺负时
当我们被欺负时
10:13
when we are being harassed,
when we are being bullied,
when we are being bullied,
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当我们被威胁失去工作时
10:15
when we are threatened about losing a job,
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当我们感觉低落和脆弱时
10:18
when we feel down and weak.
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10:20
We are closing ourselves off,
isolating ourselves,
isolating ourselves,
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我们封闭了自己 隔离了自己
产生了一个盲点
令我们看不到自己拥有的资源
令我们看不到自己拥有的资源
10:23
creating a blind spot where we actually
don't see our resources.
don't see our resources.
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我们看不到自己的盟友
看不到自己机会
看不到自己机会
10:27
We don't see our allies,
we don't see our opportunities.
we don't see our opportunities.
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10:30
How can we overcome this?
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我们应该如何克服这一点呢
10:32
Two simple strategies.
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有两条简单的方法
第一条很简单
10:33
One strategy is simply to look
at your list of Facebook friends
at your list of Facebook friends
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查看你的脸书和领英网好友
10:37
and LinkedIn friends
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提醒自己有哪些人在联系人列表里
10:38
just so you remind yourself
of people who are there
of people who are there
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而你却没想起来
10:41
beyond those that
automatically come to mind.
automatically come to mind.
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10:44
And in our own research,
one of the things we did was,
one of the things we did was,
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在我们自己进行的研究中
我们参照了克劳德·斯蒂尔
在自我肯定方面的研究
在自我肯定方面的研究
10:47
we considered Claude Steele's
research on self-affirmation:
research on self-affirmation:
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即 从优势角度思考
你自己的价值关系网
你自己的价值关系网
10:50
simply thinking about your own values,
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10:53
networking from a place of strength.
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你自己的价值关系网
10:55
What Leigh Thompson, Hoon-Seok Choi
and I were able to do is,
and I were able to do is,
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雷恩·汤普森 崔洪熙和我发现
那些能够先肯定自我的人们
10:58
we found that people
who had affirmed themselves first
who had affirmed themselves first
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可以接受来自他人的建议
11:01
were able to take advice from people
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11:03
who would otherwise
be threatening to them.
be threatening to them.
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而不是把他们当做威胁
11:06
Here's a last exercise.
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下面我们进行最后一个小练习
11:09
I want you to look in your email in-box,
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我希望你们看看自己的电邮收件箱
11:12
and I want you to look at the last time
you asked somebody for a favor.
you asked somebody for a favor.
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看看最后一次你向他人
寻求帮助的时候
寻求帮助的时候
看一下你的措辞
11:16
And I want you to look
at the language that you used.
at the language that you used.
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11:18
Did you say things like,
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你是不是提到
11:20
"Oh, you're a great resource,"
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你真是太重要了
我欠你一个人情
11:22
or "I owe you one,"
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我对您感激不尽
11:23
"I'm obligated to you."
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11:25
All of this language
represents a metaphor.
represents a metaphor.
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这些话语都代表了一种寓意
11:28
It's a metaphor of economics,
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是一种经济学的说法
像会计学里面的收支平衡表
11:30
of a balance sheet, of accounting,
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是一种交易
11:32
of transactions.
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当我们以交易的角度思考人类关系
11:34
And when we think about human relations
in a transactional way,
in a transactional way,
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作为人类的我们会感到很不舒服
11:37
it is fundamentally uncomfortable
to us as human beings.
to us as human beings.
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11:41
We must think about human relations
and reaching out to people
and reaching out to people
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我们必须用一种更人性的方式
去思考人类关系和与他人交往
11:45
in more humane ways.
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给大家提供一个解决方法
11:47
Here's an idea as to how to do so.
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观察其他语言中 请
谢谢 不客气 等等词汇
谢谢 不客气 等等词汇
11:49
Look at words like "please," "thank you,"
"you're welcome" in other languages.
"you're welcome" in other languages.
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是如何表达的
11:55
Look at the literal
translation of these words.
translation of these words.
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这几个词都帮助我们在关系网中
11:57
Each of these words is a word
that helps us impose upon other people
that helps us impose upon other people
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让别人接受我们
12:01
in our social networks.
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因此 谢谢 这个词
12:02
And so, the word "thank you,"
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在西班牙语 意大利语 法语中分别是
12:04
if you look at it in Spanish,
Italian, French,
Italian, French,
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12:07
"gracias," "grazie," "merci" in French.
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gracias grazie merci
12:10
Each of them are "grace" and "mercy."
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它们都含有grace(优雅)和mercy(仁慈)
它们都是神圣的单词
12:12
They are godly words.
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这些话语中没有经济交易的含义
12:14
There's nothing economic
or transactional about those words.
or transactional about those words.
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12:18
The word "you're welcome" is interesting.
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不客气 这个词则很有趣
伟大的说服理论学家
罗伯特·科拉迪尼说
罗伯特·科拉迪尼说
12:20
The great persuasion theorist
Robert Cialdini says
Robert Cialdini says
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12:23
we've got to get our favors back.
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我们需要别人能对我们的帮助以回报
因此我们会稍微带上一点交易色彩
12:24
So we need to emphasize
the transaction a little bit more.
the transaction a little bit more.
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他表示 我们不要说 不客气
12:27
He says, "Let's not say 'You're welcome.'
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改成说 我知道你也会这样对我的
12:29
Instead say, 'I know you'd
do the same for me.'"
do the same for me.'"
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但有时候 也许不从交易角度思考
12:32
But sometimes it may be helpful
to not think in transactional ways,
to not think in transactional ways,
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把交易的意味冲淡一些 会更有帮助
12:36
to eliminate the transaction,
to make it a little bit more invisible.
to make it a little bit more invisible.
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12:40
And in fact, if you look in Chinese,
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事实上 如果参考中文
You're welcome 是不客气
12:42
the word "bú kè qì" in Chinese,
"You're welcome," means,
"You're welcome," means,
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12:45
"Don't be formal; we're family. We don't
need to go through those formalities."
need to go through those formalities."
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意思是 我们都是自家人
用不着客套
用不着客套
在印度尼西亚语中
不客气是kembali 意思是再来找我
不客气是kembali 意思是再来找我
12:49
And "kembali" in Indonesian
is "Come back to me."
is "Come back to me."
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12:53
When you say "You're welcome" next time,
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当你下次说 You're welcome 时
思考一下如何能够
消除这种交易的感觉
消除这种交易的感觉
12:55
think about how you can maybe
eliminate the transaction
eliminate the transaction
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从而设法加强社交联系
12:58
and instead strengthen that social tie.
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也许换成 与你合作很愉快
这就是朋友应该做的 会更好
这就是朋友应该做的 会更好
13:01
Maybe "It's great to collaborate,"
or "That's what friends are for."
or "That's what friends are for."
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13:06
I want you to think about how
you think about this ticket that you have
you think about this ticket that you have
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我还希望大家可以思考一下你拥有的
13:11
to travel your social universe.
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打开人际网络大门的钥匙
有一个比喻
13:13
Here's one metaphor.
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13:15
It's a common metaphor:
"Life is a journey." Right?
"Life is a journey." Right?
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它很普通 说的是
生活就是一次旅行
生活就是一次旅行
它是一次火车之旅
13:17
It's a train ride,
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如果你是列车上的乘客
13:18
and you're a passenger on the train,
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13:21
and there are certain people with you.
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身边会有一些特定的人
有些人会乘坐这趟列车
13:23
Certain people get on this train,
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有些人会陪着你
有些人会在不同的车站离开
有些人会在不同的车站离开
13:25
and some stay with you,
some leave at different stops,
some leave at different stops,
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13:27
new ones may enter.
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新的人又会上车
13:29
I love this metaphor,
it's a beautiful one.
it's a beautiful one.
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我喜爱这个比喻 它很美
但是我希望你能思考另一个比喻
13:31
But I want you to consider
a different metaphor.
a different metaphor.
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13:34
This one is passive,
being a passenger on that train,
being a passenger on that train,
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因为这个比喻太被动了
作为列车的乘客
作为列车的乘客
你的轨迹太单调了
13:37
and it's quite linear.
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你总会在某个特定地点下车
13:39
You're off to some particular destination.
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13:42
Why not instead think of yourself
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为什么不把自己想成是
一个原子
13:44
as an atom,
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在社交的宇宙中
13:46
bumping up against other atoms,
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与其他原子碰撞
13:48
maybe transferring energy with them,
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也许与他们传递能量
13:50
bonding with them a little
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与他们建立亲密联系
13:51
and maybe creating something new
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甚至创造出新的东西
13:53
on your travels
through the social universe.
through the social universe.
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13:56
Thank you so much.
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非常感谢
我希望我们能够再次见到彼此
13:57
And I hope we bump into each other again.
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13:59
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tanya Menon - Organizational psychologistTanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people.
Why you should listen
Tanya Menon is fascinated that in a time when we can instantaneously connect with nearly the whole world, we often instead filter our relationships even more narrowly. As such, we often get stuck in dead ends, missing out on new people, ideas and opportunities. Menon and her collaborators have studied the often mundane feelings and innocuous daily habits that cause people to remain in their social comfort zone and produce this polarization. And they have also explored ways that we can be more intentional about navigating the social world.
Menon is Associate Professor at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. Her research has been cited in the Wall Street Journal, Boston Globe, Chicago Tribune and The Financial Times. She is Associate Editor at Management Science journal, an award-winning teacher, and she has done keynotes, consulting and training for organizations all over the world. Her book with Dr. Leigh Thompson, Stop Spending, Start Managing: Strategies to Transform Wasteful Habits (2016, Harvard Business Review Press) explores various social traps people face in business, and how to overcome them.
Menon earned a bachelor's degree in sociology from Harvard University in 1995 and her Ph.D. from the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Her goal as a researcher, educator, consultant and parent is to create new ways for people to connect with each other so that they can live richer and more creative lives. She hopes that her work will help people intentionally create new habits to live a wider life and also share them widely.
Tanya Menon | Speaker | TED.com