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Nikki Webber Allen: Don't suffer from your depression in silence
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Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness -- they mean we're human, says producer and activist Nikki Webber Allen. Even after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, Webber Allen felt too ashamed to tell anybody, keeping her condition a secret until a family tragedy revealed how others close to her were also suffering. In this important talk about mental health, she speaks openly about her struggle -- and why communities of color must undo the stigma that misreads depression as a weakness and keeps sufferers from getting help.
Nikki Webber Allen - Multimedia producer
Nikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color. Full bio
Nikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
What are you doing on this stage
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in front of all these people?
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(Laughter)
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Run!
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(Laughter)
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Run now.
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That's the voice of my anxiety talking.
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Even when there's absolutely
nothing wrong,
nothing wrong,
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I sometimes get
this overwhelming sense of doom,
this overwhelming sense of doom,
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like danger is lurking
just around the corner.
just around the corner.
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You see, a few years ago,
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I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety
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and depression --
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two conditions that often go hand in hand.
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Now, there was a time
I wouldn't have told anybody,
I wouldn't have told anybody,
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especially not in front of a big audience.
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As a black woman,
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I've had to develop
extraordinary resilience to succeed.
extraordinary resilience to succeed.
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01:02
And like most people in my community,
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I had the misconception that depression
was a sign of weakness,
was a sign of weakness,
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a character flaw.
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But I wasn't weak;
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I was a high achiever.
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01:12
I'd earned a Master's degree
in Media Studies
in Media Studies
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and had a string of high-profile jobs
in the film and television industries.
in the film and television industries.
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I'd even won two Emmy Awards
for my hard work.
for my hard work.
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Sure, I was totally spent,
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I lacked interest in things
I used to enjoy,
I used to enjoy,
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barely ate,
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struggled with insomnia
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and felt isolated and depleted.
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But depressed?
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No, not me.
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It took weeks before I could admit it,
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but the doctor was right:
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I was depressed.
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Still, I didn't tell anybody
about my diagnosis.
about my diagnosis.
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I was too ashamed.
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I didn't think I had the right
to be depressed.
to be depressed.
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I had a privileged life
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with a loving family
and a successful career.
and a successful career.
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And when I thought about
the unspeakable horrors
the unspeakable horrors
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that my ancestors
had been through in this country
had been through in this country
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so that I could have it better,
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my shame grew even deeper.
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I was standing on their shoulders.
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How could I let them down?
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I would hold my head up,
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put a smile on my face
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and never tell a soul.
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On July 4, 2013,
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my world came crashing in on me.
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That was the day I got
a phone call from my mom
a phone call from my mom
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telling me that my 22-year-old nephew,
Paul, had ended his life,
Paul, had ended his life,
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after years of battling
depression and anxiety.
depression and anxiety.
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There are no words that can describe
the devastation I felt.
the devastation I felt.
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Paul and I were very close,
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but I had no idea he was in so much pain.
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Neither one of us had ever talked
to the other about our struggles.
to the other about our struggles.
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The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
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Now, my way of dealing with adversity
is to face it head on,
is to face it head on,
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so I spent the next two years
researching depression and anxiety,
researching depression and anxiety,
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and what I found was mind-blowing.
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The World Health Organization reports
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that depression is the leading cause
of sickness and disability
of sickness and disability
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in the world.
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While the exact cause
of depression isn't clear,
of depression isn't clear,
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research suggests
that most mental disorders develop,
that most mental disorders develop,
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at least in part,
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because of a chemical
imbalance in the brain,
imbalance in the brain,
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and/or an underlying
genetic predisposition.
genetic predisposition.
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So you can't just shake it off.
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For black Americans,
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stressors like racism
and socioeconomic disparities
and socioeconomic disparities
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put them at a 20 percent greater risk
of developing a mental disorder,
of developing a mental disorder,
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yet they seek mental health services
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at about half the rate of white Americans.
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One reason is the stigma,
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with 63 percent of black Americans
mistaking depression for a weakness.
mistaking depression for a weakness.
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Sadly, the suicide rate
among black children
among black children
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has doubled in the past 20 years.
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Now, here's the good news:
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seventy percent of people
struggling with depression will improve
struggling with depression will improve
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with therapy, treatment and medication.
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Armed with this information,
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I made a decision:
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I wasn't going to be silent anymore.
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With my family's blessing,
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I would share our story
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in hopes of sparking
a national conversation.
a national conversation.
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A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said,
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"Being strong is killing us."
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She's right.
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We have got to retire
those tired, old narratives
those tired, old narratives
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of the strong black woman
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and the super-masculine black man,
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who, no matter how many times
they get knocked down,
they get knocked down,
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just shake it off and soldier on.
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Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness.
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Feelings mean we're human.
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And when we deny our humanity,
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it leaves us feeling empty inside,
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searching for ways to self-medicate
in order to fill the void.
in order to fill the void.
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My drug was high achievement.
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These days, I share my story openly,
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and I ask others to share theirs, too.
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I believe that's what it takes
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to help people who may
be suffering in silence
be suffering in silence
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to know that they are not alone
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and to know that with help,
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they can heal.
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Now, I still have my struggles,
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particularly with the anxiety,
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but I'm able to manage it
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through daily mediation,
yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
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(Laughter)
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If I feel like things
are starting to spiral,
are starting to spiral,
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I make an appointment to see my therapist,
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a dynamic black woman
named Dawn Armstrong,
named Dawn Armstrong,
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who has a great sense of humor
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and a familiarity that I find comforting.
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I will always regret
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that I couldn't be there for my nephew.
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But my sincerest hope
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is that I can inspire others
with the lesson that I've learned.
with the lesson that I've learned.
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Life is beautiful.
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Sometimes it's messy,
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and it's always unpredictable.
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But it will all be OK
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when you have your support system
to help you through it.
to help you through it.
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I hope that if your burden gets too heavy,
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you'll ask for a hand, too.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Nikki Webber Allen - Multimedia producerNikki Webber Allen is working to create a safe space for honest conversations about mental health in communities of color.
Why you should listen
Nikki Webber Allen is a two-time Emmy winner with 20 years of experience producing content for media outlets including Warner Bros., HBO, ABC, 20th Century Fox and BET.
In 2013, while working as the vice president of casting and talent relations for the cable network TV One, Webber Allen lost her 22-year old nephew, Paul, to suicide after his years of struggle with depression and anxiety. Since then, she's become a passionate mental health advocate.
In Paul's honor, she launched the nonprofit I LIVE FOR... FOUNDATION, INC. to create a safe space for honest, unapologetic conversations about mental health in communities of color, where the cultural stigma of mental illness discourages far too many people from seeking help. Michael Eric Dyson, advisor to the foundation, has called I LIVE FOR… "an incredibly important organization that offers much-needed support to those who too often suffer in silence."
Webber Allen is currently producing and directing a documentary film featuring a diverse group of compelling young men and women who reject the stigma of mental illness and share candid stories about their experiences living with depression and anxiety. The film is being scored by her husband, musician Jeffrey Allen of the Grammy-nominated R&B band Mint Condition.
In 2016, Webber Allen was one of only 47 people chosen out of more than 1,000 applicants worldwide to receive a coveted scholarship to Marie Forleo's B-School for social entrepreneurs. She has an M.A. in media studies from The New School University in New York, NY and a B.A. in communications from Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ.
Nikki Webber Allen | Speaker | TED.com