TED Residency
Sue Jaye Johnson: What we don't teach kids about sex
Sue Jaye Johnson: El que no ensenyem als nens sobre el sexe
Filmed:
Readability: 3
3,419,225 views
Com a pares, és la nostra feina ensenyar als nens sobre el sexe. Però més enllà de "la conversa", que cobreix la biologia i la reproducció, hi ha tantes altres coses que podem dir sobre l'experiència humana de ser en els nostres cossos. Sue Jaye Johnson presenta "La conversa 2.0" i ens ensenya com podem educar els nostres fills perquè es sintonitzin amb les seves sensacions i aprenguin el llenguatge que els permetrà comunicar els desitjos i les emocions, sense tancar-se o distanciar-se.
Sue Jaye Johnson - Journalist, filmmaker, writer
TED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior. Full bio
TED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I remember my aunt
brushing my hair when I was a child.
brushing my hair when I was a child.
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Recordo com la tieta
em pentinava els cabells
quan jo era petita.
quan jo era petita.
00:16
I felt this tingling in my stomach,
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Sentia aquelles pessigolles a la panxa,
00:18
this swelling in my belly.
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sentia com s'inflava.
00:21
All her attention on me,
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Posava tota l'atenció en mi,
00:23
just me.
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només en mi.
00:25
My beautiful Aunt Bea,
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La meva bonica tieta Bea
00:27
stroking my hair
with a fine-bristled brush.
with a fine-bristled brush.
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acaronant-me els cabells
amb una pinta de pues fines.
amb una pinta de pues fines.
00:31
Do you have a memory like that
that you can feel in your body right now?
that you can feel in your body right now?
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Teniu algun record com aquest
que pugueu sentir al cos ara mateix?
que pugueu sentir al cos ara mateix?
00:35
Before language,
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Abans que llengua,
00:37
we're all sensation.
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tots som sensació.
00:39
As children, that's how we learn
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Quan som nens
és així com aprenem
és així com aprenem
00:40
to differentiate ourselves
in the world -- through touch.
in the world -- through touch.
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a diferenciar-nos a la vida:
a través del tacte.
a través del tacte.
00:43
Everything goes in the mouth,
the hands, on the skin.
the hands, on the skin.
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Tot va cap a la boca, les mans, la pell.
00:47
Sensation --
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La sensació
00:48
it is the way that we first
experience love.
experience love.
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És com experimentem
per primera vegada l'amor.
per primera vegada l'amor.
00:52
It's the basis of human connection.
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És la base de la connexió humana.
00:56
We want our children to grow up
to have healthy intimate relationships.
to have healthy intimate relationships.
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Volem que els nostres fills creixin
i tinguin relacions íntimes sanes.
i tinguin relacions íntimes sanes.
01:00
So as parents,
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Per això com a pares
01:01
one of the things that we do
is we teach our children about sex.
is we teach our children about sex.
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una de les coses que fem
és parlar sobre el sexe.
és parlar sobre el sexe.
Tenim llibres que ens ajuden,
01:04
We have books to help us,
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01:06
we have sex ed at school for the basics.
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tenim l'educació sexual bàsica a l'escola.
01:08
There's porn to fill in the gaps --
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Hi ha la pornografia per omplir els buits
01:11
and it will fill in the gaps.
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i els omplirà.
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Riuen)
01:14
We teach our children "the talk"
about biology and mechanics,
about biology and mechanics,
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Tenim "la conversa"
sobre la biologia i la mecànica,
sobre la biologia i la mecànica,
01:18
about pregnancy and safe sex,
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sobre l'embaràs i el sexe segur,
01:20
and that's what our kids grow up thinking
that sex is pretty much all about.
that sex is pretty much all about.
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I així és com creixen
i acaben pensant que això és tot.
i acaben pensant que això és tot.
01:24
But we can do better than that.
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Però podem fer-ho millor.
01:26
We can teach our sons and daughters
about pleasure and desire,
about pleasure and desire,
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Podem educar els nostres fills i filles
sobre el plaer i el desig,
sobre el plaer i el desig,
01:31
about consent and boundaries,
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sobre el consentiment i els límits,
01:33
about what it feels like
to be present in their body
to be present in their body
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sobre com et sents quan estàs present
al teu cos
al teu cos
01:37
and to know when they're not.
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i saber quan no hi estàs.
01:39
And we do that in the ways
that we model touch, play,
that we model touch, play,
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Ho fem d'una forma
que imita el tacte, el joc,
que imita el tacte, el joc,
01:43
make eye contact --
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el contacte visual.
01:45
all the ways that we engage their senses.
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El que sigui mentre
atregui els seus sentits.
atregui els seus sentits.
01:48
We can teach our children
not just about sex,
not just about sex,
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Podem ensenyar els nostres fills
no només el sexe,
no només el sexe,
01:50
but about sensuality.
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sinó també
la sensualitat.
la sensualitat.
01:54
This is the kind of talk
that I needed as a girl.
that I needed as a girl.
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Aquesta és la conversa
que necessitava de petita.
que necessitava de petita.
01:56
I was extremely sensitive,
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Jo era increïblement sensible,
01:58
but by the time I was an adolescent,
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però quan va arribar l'adolescència
02:00
I had numbed out.
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m'havia entumit.
02:02
The shame of boys mocking my changing body
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La vergonya quan els nens
reien dels canvis del meu cos
reien dels canvis del meu cos
02:04
and then girls exiling me for,
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i les nenes em deixaven de banda
02:06
ironically, my interest in boys,
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irònicament, pel meu interès en els nens,
02:09
it was so much.
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era massa.
02:13
I didn't have any language
for what I was experiencing;
for what I was experiencing;
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No tenia paraules per explicar
el que m'estava passant;
el que m'estava passant;
02:15
I didn't know it was going to pass.
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no sabia que això s'acabaria.
02:17
So I did the best thing
I could at the time
I could at the time
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Per tant, vaig fer el millor
que vaig saber aleshores
que vaig saber aleshores
02:20
and I checked out.
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i em vaig distanciar.
Com no et pots aïllar
només de les sensacions difícils,
només de les sensacions difícils,
02:22
And you can't isolate
just the difficult feelings,
just the difficult feelings,
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02:24
so I lost access to the joy,
the pleasure, the play,
the pleasure, the play,
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vaig perdre també l'accés a l'alegria,
al plaer, al joc,
al plaer, al joc,
02:27
and I spent decades like that,
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i vaig viure així durant dècades
02:28
with this his low-grade depression,
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amb aquesta depressió lleu,
02:30
thinking that this is
what it meant to be a grown-up.
what it meant to be a grown-up.
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pensant que això era
el que significava ser adult.
el que significava ser adult.
02:35
For the past year,
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Durant l'any passat
02:36
I've been interviewing men and women
about their relationship to sex
about their relationship to sex
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vaig entrevistar homes i dones
sobre la seva relació amb el sexe
sobre la seva relació amb el sexe
02:39
and I've heard my story again and again.
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i molts cops sentia
la meva història.
la meva història.
02:41
Girls who were told
they were too sensitive, too much.
they were too sensitive, too much.
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Noies que havien après
que eren massa sensibles.
que eren massa sensibles.
02:44
Boys who were taught to man up --
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Nois que havien de ser més homes:
02:46
"don't be so emotional."
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"no siguis tan dramàtic".
02:48
I learned I was not alone in checking out.
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Vaig descobrir que no era l'única
que s'havia distanciat.
que s'havia distanciat.
02:54
It was my daughter who reminded me
of how much I used to feel.
of how much I used to feel.
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La meva filla em va fer recordar
tot el que sentia abans.
tot el que sentia abans.
03:00
We were at the beach.
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Estàvem a la platja.
03:01
It was this rare day.
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No passava gaire sovint.
03:03
I turned off my cell phone,
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Vaig apagar el mòbil,
03:05
put in the calendar,
"Day at the beach with the girls."
"Day at the beach with the girls."
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vaig apuntar al calendari
"Dia de platja amb les nenes"
"Dia de platja amb les nenes"
03:08
I laid our towels down
just out of reach of the surf
just out of reach of the surf
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Vaig estirar les tovalloles
perquè no es mullessin
perquè no es mullessin
03:12
and fell asleep.
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i em vaig adormir.
03:14
And when I woke up,
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Quan em vaig despertar
03:15
I saw my daughter
drizzling sand on her arm like this,
drizzling sand on her arm like this,
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vaig veure la meva filla
posant-se sorra al braç així,
posant-se sorra al braç així,
03:21
and I could feel that light tickle
of sand on her skin
of sand on her skin
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i vaig poder sentir les pessigolles
de la sorra a la seva pell
de la sorra a la seva pell
03:27
and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.
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i vaig recordar com em pentinava la tieta.
03:31
So I curled up next to her
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Vaig arraulir-me al seu costat
03:32
and I drizzled sand on her other arm
and then her legs.
and then her legs.
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i vaig posar-li sorra a l'altre braç
i després a les cames.
i després a les cames.
03:37
And then I said,
"Hey, you want me to bury you?"
"Hey, you want me to bury you?"
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I després vaig dir:
"Escolta, vols que t'enterri?"
"Escolta, vols que t'enterri?"
03:41
And her eyes got really big
and she was like, "Yeah!"
and she was like, "Yeah!"
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I els seus ulls es van fer grans
i em va dir "Sí!!!"
i em va dir "Sí!!!"
03:43
So we dug a hole
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Vam cavar un forat
03:45
and I covered her in sand and shells
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i vaig cobrir-la de sorra i petxines
03:46
and drew this little mermaid tail.
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i vaig dibuixar-li una cua de sirena.
03:49
And then I took her home
and lathered her up in the shower
and lathered her up in the shower
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Després vaig dur-la a casa
i vaig ensabonar-la a la dutxa
i vaig ensabonar-la a la dutxa
03:52
and massaged her scalp
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fent-li un massatge al cap
03:53
and I dried her off in a towel.
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i vaig assecar-la amb la tovallola.
03:55
And I thought,
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I vaig pensar,
03:57
"Ah. How many times had I done that --
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"Ai. Quantes vegades hauré fet això,
03:59
bathed her and dried her off --
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banyar-la i assecar-la,
04:01
but had I ever stopped and paid attention
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però m'he parat mai
i m'he adonat mai
i m'he adonat mai
04:03
to the sensations
that I was creating for her?"
that I was creating for her?"
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de les sensacions
que estava creant en ella?
que estava creant en ella?
04:07
I'd been treating her
like she was on some assembly line
like she was on some assembly line
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La tractava com si estigués
en una cadena de muntatge
en una cadena de muntatge
04:10
of children needing to be fed
and put to bed.
and put to bed.
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de nens que alimentàvem
i enviàvem al llit.
i enviàvem al llit.
04:13
And I realized
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I vaig adonar-me
04:14
that when I dry my daughter off
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
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que quan l'asseco amb la tovallola
suaument com faria un amant,
suaument com faria un amant,
04:19
I'm teaching her
to expect that kind of touch.
to expect that kind of touch.
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l'estic ensenyant a esperar
aquest tipus de tacte.
aquest tipus de tacte.
04:24
I'm teaching her in that moment
about intimacy.
about intimacy.
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En aquest moment l'estic ensenyant
sobre la intimitat.
sobre la intimitat.
04:27
About how to love her body
and respect her body.
and respect her body.
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Sobre com estimar el seu cos
i com respectar-lo.
i com respectar-lo.
04:31
I realized there are parts of the talk
that can't be conveyed in words.
that can't be conveyed in words.
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Vaig adonar-me que hi ha coses que no
es poden trasmetre amb paraules.
es poden trasmetre amb paraules.
04:37
In her book, "Girls and Sex,"
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Al seu llibre "Noies i sexe",
04:38
writer Peggy Orenstein finds
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l'escriptora Peggy Orenstein opina
04:41
that young women are focusing
on their partner's pleasure,
on their partner's pleasure,
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que les noies joves es centren
en el plaer de la seva parella
en el plaer de la seva parella
04:44
not their own.
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i no en el seu.
04:47
This is something I'm going to talk about
with my girls when they're older,
with my girls when they're older,
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És una cosa que parlaré amb les filles
quan siguin més grans,
quan siguin més grans,
04:50
but for now, I look for ways to help them
identify what gives them pleasure
identify what gives them pleasure
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però per ara, busco maneres d'ajudar-les
a identificar què els dona plaer
a identificar què els dona plaer
04:54
and to practice articulating that.
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i a practicar-ne l'expressió.
04:58
"Rub my back," my daughter says
when I tuck her in.
when I tuck her in.
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"Rasca'm l'esquena", em diu la filla
quan la poso al llit.
quan la poso al llit.
05:01
And I say, "OK, how do you want me
to rub your back?"
to rub your back?"
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I li dic, "D'acord, com vols que ho faci?"
05:05
"I don't know," she says.
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"No ho sé", diu ella.
05:07
So I pause, waiting for her directions.
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Llavors paro, a l'espera de la resposta.
05:10
Finally she says,
"OK, up and to the right,
"OK, up and to the right,
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Finalment diu,
"Ja està, a dalt a la dreta,
"Ja està, a dalt a la dreta,
05:12
like you're tickling me."
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com si fessis pessigolles"
05:14
I run my fingertips up her spine.
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Passo les puntes dels dits
per l'esquena.
per l'esquena.
05:16
"What else?" I ask.
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"Què més?" li pregunto.
05:18
"Over to the left, a little harder now."
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"Ara a l'esquerra, una mica més fort".
05:21
We need to teach our children
how to articulate their sensations
how to articulate their sensations
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Hem d'ensenyar als nostres fills
a expressar les seves sensacions
a expressar les seves sensacions
05:25
so they're familiar with them.
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per a que en siguin conscients.
05:27
I look for ways to play games
with my girls at home to do this.
with my girls at home to do this.
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Busco maneres de jugar amb les nenes
a casa per fer-ho.
a casa per fer-ho.
05:30
I scratch my fingernails
on my daughter's arm and say,
on my daughter's arm and say,
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Rasco el braç de la meva filla
amb les ungles i li dic:
amb les ungles i li dic:
05:33
"Give me one word to describe this."
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Diga'm una paraula per descriure-ho.
05:35
"Violent," she says.
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"Violent", diu ella.
05:38
I embrace her, hold her tight.
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L'abraço ben fort.
05:40
"Protected," she tells me.
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"Protegida", contesta.
05:43
I find opportunities
to tell them how I'm feeling,
to tell them how I'm feeling,
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Trobo oportunitats per explicar
com em sento jo,
com em sento jo,
05:46
what I'm experiencing,
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el que experimento,
05:47
so we have common language.
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i tenim un llenguatge comú.
05:48
Like right now,
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Com ara mateix,
05:50
this tingling in my scalp down my spine
means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
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aquest formigueig al cap i a l'esquena
vol dir que estic nerviosa i emocionada.
vol dir que estic nerviosa i emocionada.
05:55
You are likely experiencing sensations
in response to me.
in response to me.
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Igualment, vosaltres experimenteu
sensacions com a resposta a mi.
sensacions com a resposta a mi.
05:59
The language I'm using,
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Al llenguatge que utilitzo,
06:01
the ideas I'm sharing.
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a les idees que comparteixo.
06:03
And our tendency
is to judge these reactions
is to judge these reactions
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I tendim a jutjar aquestes reaccions
06:06
and sort them into a hierarchy:
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i dividir-les en una jerarquia:
06:08
better or worse,
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millor o pitjor,
06:09
and then seek or avoid them.
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i després les busquem o les evitem.
06:12
And that's because we live
in this binary culture
in this binary culture
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I això és perquè vivim
en aquesta cultura binària
en aquesta cultura binària
06:14
and we're taught from a very young age
to sort the world into good and bad.
to sort the world into good and bad.
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i se'ns ensenya des de molt petits
a dividir el món en bo i dolent.
a dividir el món en bo i dolent.
06:19
"Did you like that book?"
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"T'ha agradat el llibre?"
06:21
"Did you have a good day?"
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"Has tingut un bon dia?"
06:23
How about, "What did you
notice about that story?"
notice about that story?"
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Què tal un: "Què has notat
en aquesta història?"
en aquesta història?"
06:26
"Tell me a moment about your day.
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"Explica'm un moment del teu dia.
06:28
What did you learn?"
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Què has après?".
06:30
Let's teach our children to stay open
and curious about their experiences,
and curious about their experiences,
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Ensenyem als nostres fills a continuar
oberts i curiosos sobre les experiències,
oberts i curiosos sobre les experiències,
06:34
like a traveler in a foreign land.
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com un viatger en una terra estrangera.
06:38
And that way they can stay with sensation
without checking out --
without checking out --
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I d'aquesta manera podran mantenir
les sensacions sense distanciar-se'n.
les sensacions sense distanciar-se'n.
06:42
even the heightened
and challenging ones --
and challenging ones --
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Fins i tot les més atrevides
i desafiadores,
i desafiadores,
06:44
the way I did,
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com ho vaig fer jo,
06:45
the way so many of us have.
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com ho vam fer tants.
06:47
This sense education,
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Educació de sensacions,
06:49
this is education I want for my daughters.
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2576
aquesta és l'educació que vull
per a les meves filles.
per a les meves filles.
06:51
Sense education is what I needed as girl.
146
399920
3776
Educació de sensacions
és el que em feia falta de petita.
és el que em feia falta de petita.
06:55
It's what I hope for all of our children.
147
403720
1960
És el que desitjo per tots
els fills.
els fills.
06:58
This awareness of sensation,
148
406480
1496
Aquesta consciència de sensació
07:00
it's where we began as children.
149
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2040
és on vam començar de petits.
07:02
It's what we can learn from our children
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2696
És el que podem aprendre
dels nostres fills
dels nostres fills
07:05
and it's what we can
in turn remind our children
in turn remind our children
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3256
i és el que podem,
a la vegada, recordar-los
a la vegada, recordar-los
07:08
as they come of age.
152
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1320
quan es van fent grans.
07:12
Thank you.
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1216
Gràcies.
07:13
(Applause)
154
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3120
(Aplaudiments)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Sue Jaye Johnson - Journalist, filmmaker, writerTED Resident Sue Jaye Johnson explores the ways cultural expectations shape our public and private behavior.
Why you should listen
Working across mediums, from radio, film, print and interactive media, Sue Jaye Johnson has investigated the US criminal justice system, women in sports, the legacy of apartheid and girls in South Africa. As a TED Resident, she is examining our current relationship with pleasure and sex through intimate interviews with people from all walks of life asking what they believe about sex and why. She is working on a book about rethinking how we talk about sexuality and sensuality fostered by this series of interviews.
Jaye is a two-time Peabody-winner and recipient of a Creative Capital award for her pioneering interactive documentary about US prisons. Her first feature film, T-Rex (PBS, Netflix) followed 17-year-old boxer Claressa Shields from Flint, Michigan to the gold medal at the London Olympics. Her work has been broadcast on PBS, NPR, WNY and published in the New York Times and The Washington Post.
She studied visual arts at Harvard University and interactive telecommunications at New York University. She lives in New York City with radio producer and frequent collaborator Joe Richman and their two daughters.
Sue Jaye Johnson | Speaker | TED.com