TEDxAmericanRiviera
Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage
珍娜·麦卡锡: 关于婚姻你不能不知的事
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作家珍娜·麦卡锡在TEDx中的这个有趣的漫谈中，分享了一些关于婚姻（尤其是美满婚姻）的令人惊讶的研究。小提示：不要去做奥斯卡影后。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
Every year in the United States alone,
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每年，仅仅在美国
00:18
2,077,000 couples
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就有207万7000对情侣
00:21
make a legal and spiritual decision
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在法律上和精神上决定
00:24
to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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与对方共度一生
00:28
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone else,
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而且不搞外遇
00:33
ever.
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绝不
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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他买好戒指，她购入婚纱
00:39
They go shopping
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他们一起置办
00:41
for all sorts of things.
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各种东西
00:43
She takes him to Arthur Murray
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她带他去Arthur Murray舞蹈教室上课
00:45
for ballroom dancing lessons.
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学跳交际舞
00:48
And the big day comes.
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之后喜事来临
00:50
And they'll stand before God and family
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他们在主和家人的见证下
00:53
and some guy her dad once did business with,
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还包括她父亲曾经的生意伙伴
00:56
and they'll vow that nothing,
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他们发誓，无论何事
00:58
not abject poverty,
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无论是一贫如洗
01:00
not life-threatening illness,
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还是身患绝症
01:03
not complete and utter misery
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抑或是遭遇彻头彻尾的苦难
01:06
will ever put the tiniest damper
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都丝毫不会影响
01:09
on their eternal love and devotion.
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他们永恒的爱与忠诚
01:11
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:13
These optimistic young bastards
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这些乐观年轻的混蛋们
01:15
promise to honor and cherish each other
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许诺尊重并珍惜彼此
01:17
through hot flashes
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从新婚
01:19
and mid-life crises
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到中年危机
01:22
and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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到持续增加50磅的体重（45斤）
01:25
until that far-off day
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直到在遥远未来的某一天
01:28
when one of them is finally able
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两人中的一个
01:30
to rest in peace.
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终于得以安息
01:33
You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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因为他们再也听不到对方的鼾声了
01:36
And then they'll get stupid drunk
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他们会喝的得醉醺醺
01:38
and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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向对方掷蛋糕，唱玛卡雷娜二重唱
01:41
and we'll be there
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我们也会在场
01:43
showering them with towels and toasters
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一次次举杯庆贺
01:45
and drinking their free booze
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狂饮免费酒水
01:47
and throwing birdseed at them
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向他们扔鸟食
01:49
every single time --
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我们一贯如此
01:51
even though we know,
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即使我们知道
01:53
statistically,
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统计表明
01:55
half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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一半以上的婚姻维持不到10年
01:58
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:01
Of course, the other half won't, right?
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当然，另一半婚姻尚未终结，对不对？
02:03
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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他们会一直忘记纪念日
02:06
and arguing about where to spend holidays
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为去哪儿度假而争吵
02:09
and debating which way
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互相争辩
02:11
the toilet paper
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厕纸
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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该按什么方向摆
02:15
And some of them
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他们中的一些人
02:17
will even still be enjoying each others' company
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也会一直享受有对方的陪伴
02:21
when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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知道牙齿松动嚼不动固体食物
02:24
And researchers want to know why.
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研究人员希望知道原因
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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这并不需要一个双盲的对照组研究
02:30
to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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来破解婚姻失败的秘密
02:34
Disrespect, boredom,
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互不尊重、厌倦
02:36
too much time on Facebook,
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沉迷Facebook（脸书网站）
02:39
having sex with other people.
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搞外遇
02:41
But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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你也可以举出上述所有的反义词
02:44
respect, excitement,
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互相尊重、新鲜刺激
02:47
a broken Internet connection,
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断网
02:49
mind-numbing monogamy --
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麻木的一夫一妻制
02:53
and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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但还是搞砸了
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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所以维系婚姻的究竟是什么？
02:59
What do the folks who make it
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那些成功携手
03:01
all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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生同衾、死同穴的伴侣
03:03
have in common?
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有何共通点？
03:05
What are they doing right?
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他们做对了哪些？
03:07
What can we learn from them?
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我们能从中学到什么？
03:10
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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如果你是个快乐的单身贵族
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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为什么一定要放弃现在的生活
03:16
and make it your life's work
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而毕生投入于
03:18
to find that one special person
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找寻那个特别的人
03:21
that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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那个你一辈子都觉得很烦的人?
03:24
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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研究人员花费了几十亿纳税人的钱
03:27
trying to figure that out.
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来寻找原因
03:29
They stalk blissful couples
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他们跟踪调查美满的婚姻
03:31
and they study their every move and mannerism.
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他们研究夫妻间的所有行为和特殊习惯
03:34
And they try to pinpoint what it is
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他们尝试精确定位
03:36
that sets them apart
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幸福的夫妻不同于
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from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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不幸的邻居朋友们的所有不同之处
03:40
And it turns out,
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结果发现
03:42
the success stories
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成功的婚姻
03:44
share a few similarities,
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的确有一些相似之处
03:46
actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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而不仅仅是不搞外遇
03:49
For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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比如说，在幸福的婚姻里
03:52
the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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妻子都比丈夫要苗条好看
03:55
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:57
Obvious, right.
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明显正确
03:59
It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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很明显这一点是婚姻幸福的原因
04:01
because, women, we care a great deal
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因为女人都很看重
04:03
about being thin and good looking,
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身材和美貌
04:05
whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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男人大多在乎性
04:08
ideally with women
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最好是跟
04:10
who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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比他们苗条好看的女人
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The beauty of this research though
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这项研究的妙处在于
04:14
is that no one is suggesting
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没有人在暗示说
04:16
that women have to be thin to be happy;
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女人要瘦才会快乐
04:18
we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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只要比伴侣瘦一点儿就行
04:21
So instead of all that laborious
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这样就不用艰苦锻炼
04:23
dieting and exercising,
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勉强节食
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we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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我们只要等着自己的男人发福就好
04:29
maybe bake a few pies.
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也许再多烤几个派
04:31
This is good information to have,
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这是很好的消息
04:33
and it's not that complicated.
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也不复杂
04:36
Research also suggests
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研究也显示
04:38
that the happiest couples
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幸福的夫妻
04:40
are the ones that focus on the positives.
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聚焦于事物的积极一面
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For example, the happy wife.
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比如说，一个幸福的妻子
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Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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不会指责丈夫腰围渐粗
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or suggesting he go for a run,
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也不会建议他出去跑步
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she might say,
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她很可能会说
04:51
"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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“宝贝，谢谢你已经开始努力
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to make me relatively thinner."
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让我相对更苗条。”
04:57
These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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这些夫妻能够在任何情况下都找到好的一面
05:00
"Yeah, it was devastating
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“这可真是太惨了
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when we lost everything in that fire,
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我们在火灾中失去了一切
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but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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不过在满天星斗下熟睡也是一桩美事
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and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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而且你刚好还有足够的脂肪
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to keep us warm."
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让我们保暖。”
05:12
One of my favorite studies found
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我尤其喜欢的一项研究发现
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that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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丈夫越愿意做家务
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the more attractive his wife will find him.
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妻子就觉得他越迷人
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Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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因为我们着实需要有项研究来告诉我们这个结论
05:25
But here's what's going on here.
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然后我们有以下推理
05:27
The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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妻子越觉得丈夫有吸引力，就会有越多性爱
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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他们有越多性爱，丈夫就对妻子越好
05:32
the nicer he is to her,
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丈夫对妻子越好
05:34
the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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妻子就越少唠叨丈夫把湿毛巾扔在床上
05:37
and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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最终，他们一直幸福地生活在一起
05:40
In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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换句话说，男人们也许应该
05:43
in the domestic department.
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在家里多干点活儿了
05:46
Here's an interesting one.
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另一项有趣的研究
05:48
One study found
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发现
05:50
that people who smile in childhood photographs
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在童年时期的照片里笑着的人
05:53
are less likely to get a divorce.
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离婚率较低
05:55
This is an actual study,
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这是一项真实的研究
05:57
and let me clarify.
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让我解释一下
05:59
The researchers were not looking
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研究人员并不是
06:01
at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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看文字记录的童年幸福记录
06:03
or even studying old journals.
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或者从前的日记之类
06:05
The data were based entirely
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数据全部来源于
06:07
on whether people looked happy
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人们是不是看上去高兴
06:10
in these early pictures.
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显示在这些早年的照片中
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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我不清楚在座各位的年龄
06:15
but when I was a kid,
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但当我还是小孩儿时
06:17
your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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家长拍照用的是一种特殊的相机
06:19
that held something called film,
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里面装着一种叫胶卷的东西
06:22
and, by God, film was expensive.
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天哪，胶卷这玩意儿真是贵
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots of you
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他们可不是拍上300张
06:28
in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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用那种数码录像的帧数速度
06:31
and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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然后再挑上一张最漂亮的，笑得最好的照片
06:33
for the Christmas card.
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放在圣诞卡上
06:35
Oh no.
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哦不是的
06:37
They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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他们把你打扮好，排上队
06:39
and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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然后叫你冲着相机笑
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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要不然生日派对直接结束
06:44
But still, I have a huge pile
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即使这样，我也有一大堆
06:46
of fake happy childhood pictures
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假装幸福的童年照片
06:48
and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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我很庆幸这些照片让我看起来
06:51
to get a divorce.
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不那么容易离婚
06:53
So what else can you do
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你还能做什么
06:55
to safeguard your marriage?
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来守卫你的婚姻？
06:57
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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不要去赢奥斯卡影后
07:00
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:02
I'm serious.
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我是认真的
07:04
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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贝蒂.戴维斯、琼.克劳馥、哈利.贝瑞、希拉里.斯旺克、
07:06
Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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桑德拉.布洛克、瑞茜.威瑟斯彭、
07:08
all of them single
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她们所有人
07:10
soon after taking home that statue.
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在把小金人带回家后不久都成了单身
07:12
They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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真的有种说法叫“奥斯卡诅咒”
07:14
It is the marriage kiss of death
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这是婚姻的死亡之吻
07:16
and something that should be avoided.
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应该极力避免
07:19
And it's not just successfully starring in films
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在电影里成功饰演角色
07:21
that's dangerous.
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不是唯一危险的
07:23
It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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研究发现，只是看一部浪漫喜剧
07:27
causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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就能导致婚姻关系满意度直线下降
07:30
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:32
Apparently, the bitter realization
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很明显，苦涩地意识到
07:34
that maybe it could happen to us,
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片中故事有可能是真的
07:38
but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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但尚未也很可能永远不会发生在自己身上
07:40
makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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这种认识更加突显了人生不能承受之殇
07:42
in comparison.
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人比人，气死人
07:44
And theoretically,
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理论上说
07:46
I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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假设我们选择看一部电影，角色被残忍的杀害
07:49
or dies in a fiery car crash,
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或者死于惨烈的交通事故
07:51
we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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我们走出电影院时
07:54
feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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感觉可能还相当好
07:57
Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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饮酒似乎是
08:00
is bad for your marriage.
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对婚姻不利的
08:02
Yeah.
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是的
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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我没什么可告诉你们的
08:06
because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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因为（这篇文章）我读到标题就不读了
08:08
But here's a scary one:
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这还有一条可怕的
08:10
Divorce is contagious.
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离婚会传染
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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没错 如果你的好朋友分手了
08:16
it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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你自己离婚的可能性
08:18
by 75 percent.
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会增加75%
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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这条一点儿也不适用于我自己
08:24
My husband and I
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我丈夫和我
08:26
have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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目睹了一些朋友分家产
08:29
and then struggle
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挣扎着生活
08:31
with being our age and single
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在我们这个年龄独身
08:34
in an age of sexting and Viagra
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在这个充斥色情短信和伟哥的时代
08:36
and eHarmony.
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还有相亲网站
08:38
And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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我却觉得这些朋友（的经历）对于我自己婚姻的帮助
08:40
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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比终身治疗的帮助还要大
08:44
So now you may be wondering,
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你们可能会问
08:46
why does anyone get married ever?
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人们为什么要结婚？
08:50
Well the U.S. federal government
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美国联邦政府
08:53
counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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列举出上千条法律上的
08:55
to being someone's spouse --
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结成配偶的好处
08:57
a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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包括监狱探视权
09:00
but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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但愿大家永远别用到这一条
09:02
But beyond the profound federal perks,
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除了各种各样的政策福利
09:06
married people make more money.
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已婚人士收入更高
09:08
We're healthier,
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更健康
09:10
physically and emotionally.
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无论是肉体上还是精神上
09:13
We produce happier, more stable
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生养更快乐、情绪更稳定
09:15
and more successful kids.
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更成功的下一代
09:18
We have more sex
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已婚人士有更多性爱
09:20
than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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比起他们看似放纵的单身朋友
09:22
believe it or not.
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信不信由你
09:24
We even live longer,
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已婚人士更长寿
09:26
which is a pretty compelling argument
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这是个很有力的理由
09:28
for marrying someone you like a lot
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用来结婚
09:30
in the first place.
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但前提是你要非常喜欢你的对象
09:33
Now if you're not currently experiencing
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如果你目前没有享受到
09:36
the joy of the joint tax return,
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联合纳税申报的喜悦
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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我无法告诉你如何找到一个热爱家务的人
09:42
of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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有着近乎理想的身材和吸引力
09:45
who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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爱看恐怖电影
09:47
hovering on the brink of divorce,
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又没有太多身处离婚危险的朋友
09:49
but I can only encourage you to try,
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我只能鼓励你去积极尝试
09:52
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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因为就如我刚刚指出的
09:54
are significant.
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结婚好处多多
09:56
The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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关键在于，无论你已婚还是在寻找姻缘
09:59
I believe marriage is an institution
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我相信婚姻制度
10:02
worth pursuing and protecting.
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都是值得施行和维护的
10:05
So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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希望大家能用上今天我提供的信息
10:07
to weigh your personal strengths
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来扬长避短
10:09
against your own risk factors.
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来扬长避短
10:11
For instance, in my marriage,
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譬如我自己
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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我的婚姻还不错
10:15
One the one hand,
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但是
10:17
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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我丈夫苗条地让人羡慕嫉妒恨
10:20
and incredibly handsome.
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还无可救药的帅
10:22
So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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显然我要赶紧让他发福
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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我也说过，我们有那些离了婚的朋友
10:27
who may secretly or subconsciously
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心怀不轨或是无意识地
10:29
be trying to break us up.
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要拆散我们
10:31
So we have to keep an eye on that.
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我们得小心了
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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我们也喜欢来一两杯
10:37
On the other hand,
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不过
10:39
I have the fake happy picture thing.
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我有那些假装高兴的照片
10:41
And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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而我丈夫做很多家务
10:44
and would happily never see
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也绝对乐意
10:46
another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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永远不看爱情喜剧
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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所以形势于我还是有利的
10:52
But just in case,
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不过要以防万一
10:54
I plan to work extra hard
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我要加倍努力
10:56
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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绝对不要拿到小金人
10:59
And for the good of your relationships,
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为了你们自己的婚姻
11:01
I would encourage you to do the same.
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我鼓励你们也这样做
11:03
I'll see you at the bar.
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我们酒吧见
11:05
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - WriterJenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.
Why you should listen
Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com