TEDxAmericanRiviera
Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage
Jenna McCarthy: Što ne znate o braku
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U ovom zabavnom, ležernom govoru s TEDx-a spisateljica Jenna McCarthy govori o začuđujućem istraživanju o tome kako brakovi (posebice oni sretni) stvarno funkcioniraju. Mali savjet: nemojte pokušavati osvojiti Oskar za najbolju glumicu.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
Every year in the United States alone,
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Svake godine samo u SAD-u
00:18
2,077,000 couples
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2.077.000 parova
00:21
make a legal and spiritual decision
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donese pravnu i duhovnu odluku
00:24
to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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da će ostatak života provesti zajedno...
00:28
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone else,
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i da se neće seksati ni s kim drugim,
00:33
ever.
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nikad više.
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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On kupuje prsten, ona kupuje haljinu.
00:39
They go shopping
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Idu kupovati
00:41
for all sorts of things.
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kojekakve stvari.
00:43
She takes him to Arthur Murray
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Ona ga vodi k Arthuru Murrayju
00:45
for ballroom dancing lessons.
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da bi naučio plesati dvoranske plesove.
00:48
And the big day comes.
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I onda dolazi veliki dan.
00:50
And they'll stand before God and family
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Oni će stati pred Boga i obitelj
00:53
and some guy her dad once did business with,
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i nekog tipa s kojim je njen tata jednom poslovao,
00:56
and they'll vow that nothing,
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i zavjetovat će se da ništa,
00:58
not abject poverty,
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ni krajnje siromaštvo,
01:00
not life-threatening illness,
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ni smrtonosna bolest,
01:03
not complete and utter misery
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ni potpuna i krajnja bijeda
01:06
will ever put the tiniest damper
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neće nimalo umanjiti
01:09
on their eternal love and devotion.
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njihovu vječnu ljubav i vjernost.
01:11
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:13
These optimistic young bastards
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Ovi optimistični mladi gadovi
01:15
promise to honor and cherish each other
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obećavaju da će poštovati i cijeniti jedno drugo
01:17
through hot flashes
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unatoč valungama
01:19
and mid-life crises
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i krizi srednjih godina
01:22
and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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i nagomilanih 20 kg viška
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until that far-off day
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sve do onog dalekog dana
01:28
when one of them is finally able
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kada će jedno od njih konačno moći
01:30
to rest in peace.
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počivati u miru.
01:33
You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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Znate, zato što više neće morati slušati hrkanje.
01:36
And then they'll get stupid drunk
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Onda će se napiti k'o deve,
01:38
and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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bacati tortu jedno drugom u lice i otplesati Macarenu,
01:41
and we'll be there
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a mi ćemo biti tu
01:43
showering them with towels and toasters
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da ih obasipamo ručnicima i tosterima,
01:45
and drinking their free booze
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pijemo njihovo besplatno piće
01:47
and throwing birdseed at them
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i posipamo rižom,
01:49
every single time --
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i tako svaki put,
01:51
even though we know,
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iako znamo da će se
01:53
statistically,
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prema statistici,
01:55
half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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pola njih razvesti tijekom sljedećeg desetljeća.
01:58
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:01
Of course, the other half won't, right?
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Naravno, druga polovica neće, zar ne?
02:03
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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Oni će nastavljati zaboravljati godišnjice
02:06
and arguing about where to spend holidays
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i raspravljati o tome gdje da provedu praznike
02:09
and debating which way
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i o tome u kojem smjeru
02:11
the toilet paper
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bi se toaletni papir
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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trebao skidati s role.
02:15
And some of them
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A neki od njih
02:17
will even still be enjoying each others' company
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i dalje će uživati u društvu partnera
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when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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čak i kada nijedno od njih ne bude moglo žvakati čvrstu hranu.
02:24
And researchers want to know why.
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Istraživači žele znati zašto.
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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Mislim, pogledajte, nije potrebno dvostruko slijepo placebo istraživanje
02:30
to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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da bismo zaključili zbog čega brak ne funkcionira.
02:34
Disrespect, boredom,
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Nepoštovanje, dosada,
02:36
too much time on Facebook,
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previše vremena provedenog na Facebooku,
02:39
having sex with other people.
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seks s drugim ljudima.
02:41
But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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Ali možete imati potpunu suprotnost toga --
02:44
respect, excitement,
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poštovanje, uzbuđenje,
02:47
a broken Internet connection,
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lošu internetsku vezu,
02:49
mind-numbing monogamy --
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zatupljujuću monogamiju --
02:53
and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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i sve opet može krenuti ukrivo.
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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Dakle, što se događa kad se to ne dogodi?
02:59
What do the folks who make it
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Što imaju zajedničko ljudi koji stignu
03:01
all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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do toga da leže
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have in common?
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jedno pored drugog u zemlji?
03:05
What are they doing right?
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Što to oni rade kako treba?
03:07
What can we learn from them?
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Što možemo naučiti od njih?
03:10
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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I ako ste i dalje sretni što spavate sami,
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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zašto biste trebali prestati s tim
03:16
and make it your life's work
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i posvetiti svoj život
03:18
to find that one special person
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traženju te jedne posebne osobe
03:21
that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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koju možete nervirati do kraja života?
03:24
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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Istraživači su potrošili milijarde vaših poreznih dolara
03:27
trying to figure that out.
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pokušavajući to odgonetnuti.
03:29
They stalk blissful couples
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Oni uhode sretne parove
03:31
and they study their every move and mannerism.
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i proučavaju svaki njihov pokret i ponašanje.
03:34
And they try to pinpoint what it is
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I pokušavaju točno utvrditi
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that sets them apart
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po čemu se oni razlikuju
03:38
from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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od svojih očajnih susjeda i prijatelja.
03:40
And it turns out,
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Ispostavilo se
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the success stories
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da uspješne priče
03:44
share a few similarities,
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zapravo imaju neke sličnosti,
03:46
actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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osim onoga da se ne seksaju s drugim ljudima.
03:49
For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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Na primjer, u najsretnijim brakovima
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the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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žena je mršavija i izgleda bolje od muža.
03:55
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:57
Obvious, right.
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Očigledno, zar ne?
03:59
It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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Očigledno je da ovo dovodi do blagostanja u braku
04:01
because, women, we care a great deal
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jer mi žene vodimo dosta računa
04:03
about being thin and good looking,
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o svojoj kilaži i izgledu,
04:05
whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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dok muškarce najviše zanima seks,
04:08
ideally with women
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u idealnom slučaju, sa ženama
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who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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koje su mršavije i izgledaju bolje od njih.
04:12
The beauty of this research though
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Međutim, ljepota ovog istraživanja
04:14
is that no one is suggesting
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jest to što nitko ne kaže
04:16
that women have to be thin to be happy;
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da žene moraju biti mršave da bi bile sretne;
04:18
we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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samo trebamo biti mršavije od svojih partnera.
04:21
So instead of all that laborious
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Tako da umjesto svih onih
04:23
dieting and exercising,
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napornih dijeta i vježbi
04:25
we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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samo trebamo čekati da se oni udebljaju
04:29
maybe bake a few pies.
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i možda ispeći pokoju pitu.
04:31
This is good information to have,
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To je dobro znati,
04:33
and it's not that complicated.
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a i nije baš komplicirano.
04:36
Research also suggests
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Istraživanja također pokazuju
04:38
that the happiest couples
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da su najsretniji parovi
04:40
are the ones that focus on the positives.
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oni koji se fokusiraju na pozitivnost.
04:42
For example, the happy wife.
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Na primjer, sretna žena.
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Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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Umjesto da ističe sve veći suprugov trbuh
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or suggesting he go for a run,
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ili da mu predlaže da ode na trčanje,
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she might say,
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može reći:
04:51
"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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"Ajme, dušo, hvala ti što se trudiš
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to make me relatively thinner."
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da ja izgledam relativno mršavije."
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These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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Ima parova koji mogu pronaći dobro u svakoj situaciji.
05:00
"Yeah, it was devastating
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"Da, bilo je užasno
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when we lost everything in that fire,
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kad smo u požaru izgubili sve,
05:05
but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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ali nekako je lijepo spavati ovdje pod zvijezdama,
05:08
and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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i super je to što imaš sve to salo
05:10
to keep us warm."
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da nas ugrije."
05:12
One of my favorite studies found
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Jedno od mojih omiljenih istraživanja pokazalo je
05:15
that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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da što je suprug spremniji raditi kućanske poslove,
05:18
the more attractive his wife will find him.
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to će ženi biti privlačniji.
05:21
Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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Baš nam je potrebna studija da nam to kaže.
05:25
But here's what's going on here.
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Ali evo što se tu događa.
05:27
The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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Što joj je privlačniji, to se više seksaju;
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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što je više seksa, to je on ljubazniji prema njoj;
05:32
the nicer he is to her,
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što je on ljubazniji prema njoj,
05:34
the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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to ona manje gunđa zbog ostavljanja mokrih ručnika na krevetu,
05:37
and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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i u konačnici oni žive sretno do kraja života.
05:40
In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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Drugim riječima, muškarci, mogli biste se malo uključiti
05:43
in the domestic department.
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u kućanske poslove.
05:46
Here's an interesting one.
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Evo nečeg zanimljivog.
05:48
One study found
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Jedno istraživanje pokazalo je
05:50
that people who smile in childhood photographs
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da se ljudi koji se smiju na fotografijama iz djetinjstva
05:53
are less likely to get a divorce.
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rjeđe razvode.
05:55
This is an actual study,
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Ovo je pravo istraživanje,
05:57
and let me clarify.
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sad ću vam objasniti.
05:59
The researchers were not looking
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Istraživači nisu tražili
06:01
at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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dokumentirana izvješća o sretnom djetinjstvu
06:03
or even studying old journals.
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ni proučavali stare dnevnike.
06:05
The data were based entirely
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Podaci su potpuno formirani na osnovi toga
06:07
on whether people looked happy
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jesu li ti ljudi djelovali sretno
06:10
in these early pictures.
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na tim ranim fotografijama.
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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Ne znam koliko imate godina,
06:15
but when I was a kid,
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ali kad sam ja bila dijete,
06:17
your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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roditelji su fotografirali specijalnim aparatom
06:19
that held something called film,
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u kojem se nalazilo nešto što se zove film,
06:22
and, by God, film was expensive.
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i tako mi Boga, film je bio skup.
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots of you
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Nismo mogli napraviti 300 fotografija
06:28
in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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digitalnim aparatom
06:31
and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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pa da onda izabrati najljepšu, s najvećim osmjehom,
06:33
for the Christmas card.
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za božićnu čestitku.
06:35
Oh no.
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Ne, ne.
06:37
They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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Obukli bi vas, poredali,
06:39
and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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a vi biste se smijali u jebeni aparat kao što su vam rekli
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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ili biste se mogli pozdraviti s rođendanskom zabavom.
06:44
But still, I have a huge pile
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Ali ipak, imam gomilu
06:46
of fake happy childhood pictures
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lažno-sretnih slika iz djetinjstva,
06:48
and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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i drago mi je što su mi, po njima, manje šanse
06:51
to get a divorce.
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da se razvedem nego nekim drugim ljudima.
06:53
So what else can you do
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Dakle, što još možete učiniti
06:55
to safeguard your marriage?
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da biste zaštitili svoj brak?
06:57
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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Nemojte osvojiti Oscar za najbolju glumicu.
07:00
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:02
I'm serious.
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Ozbiljno vam kažem.
07:04
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Halle Berry, Hillary Swank,
07:06
Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
07:08
all of them single
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sve su one ostale same
07:10
soon after taking home that statue.
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ubrzo nakon što su kući donijele kipić.
07:12
They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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Zapravo to zovu prokletstvo Oscara.
07:14
It is the marriage kiss of death
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To je poljubac smrti za brak
07:16
and something that should be avoided.
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i nešto što bi trebalo izbjegavati.
07:19
And it's not just successfully starring in films
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I nije to što su uspješno odglumile
07:21
that's dangerous.
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uloge u filmovima ono što je opasno.
07:23
It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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Pokazalo se da i samo gledanje romantične komedije
07:27
causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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dovodi do drastičnog pada zadovoljstva u vezi.
07:30
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:32
Apparently, the bitter realization
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Očigledno, ogorčeno shvaćanje
07:34
that maybe it could happen to us,
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da bi se to možda moglo nama dogoditi,
07:38
but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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ali se očigledno nije i vjerojatno ni neće,
07:40
makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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dovodi do toga da nam se životi u usporedbi s njihovim
07:42
in comparison.
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doimaju nepodnošljivo tmurno.
07:44
And theoretically,
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I u teoriji
07:46
I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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pretpostavljam da, ako izaberemo film u kojem je netko brutalno ubijen
07:49
or dies in a fiery car crash,
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ili pogiba u vatrenoj prometnoj nesreći,
07:51
we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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veće su šanse da kad iziđemo iz kina,
07:54
feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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osjećamo da je to što imamo prilično dobro.
07:57
Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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Konzumiranje alkohola, čini se,
08:00
is bad for your marriage.
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loše je za brak.
08:02
Yeah.
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Da.
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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Ne mogu vam reći mnogo o ovom istraživanju
08:06
because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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jer sam ga nakon naslova prestala čitati.
08:08
But here's a scary one:
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Ali evo jednog zastrašujućeg:
08:10
Divorce is contagious.
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razvod je zarazan.
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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Tako je -- kada se vama blizak par razvede,
08:16
it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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šanse da se i vi razvedete povećavaju se
08:18
by 75 percent.
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za 75%.
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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Moram priznati da ovo uopće ne razumijem.
08:24
My husband and I
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Moj suprug i ja
08:26
have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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promatrali smo kako dosta naših prijatelja dijeli svoju imovinu,
08:29
and then struggle
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a onda se muče
08:31
with being our age and single
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da u našim godinama budu sami
08:34
in an age of sexting and Viagra
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u eri seksualnog dopisivanja i Viagre
08:36
and eHarmony.
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i internetskih stranica za traženje partnera.
08:38
And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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Mislim da su oni za moj brak učinili mnogo više
08:40
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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nego što bi to mogla doživotna terapija.
08:44
So now you may be wondering,
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Sad se možda pitate zašto,
08:46
why does anyone get married ever?
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zašto itko ikada stupa u brak?
08:50
Well the U.S. federal government
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Pa, savezna vlada SAD-a
08:53
counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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nabraja više od tisuću pravnih povlastica
08:55
to being someone's spouse --
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koje dobivate kad stupite s nekim u brak --
08:57
a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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popis koji uključuje pravo na posjete u zatvoru,
09:00
but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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ali nadajmo se da vam to neće trebati.
09:02
But beyond the profound federal perks,
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Ali, osim nevjerojatnih federalnih privilegija,
09:06
married people make more money.
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vjenčani ljudi zarađuju više novca.
09:08
We're healthier,
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Mi smo zdraviji,
09:10
physically and emotionally.
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fizički i emotivno.
09:13
We produce happier, more stable
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Mi radimo sretniju, stabilniju
09:15
and more successful kids.
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i uspješniju djecu.
09:18
We have more sex
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Više se seksamo
09:20
than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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od naših navodno raskalašenih prijatelja samaca --
09:22
believe it or not.
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vjerovali ili ne.
09:24
We even live longer,
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Mi čak i živimo duže,
09:26
which is a pretty compelling argument
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što je prilično privlačan argument
09:28
for marrying someone you like a lot
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za vjenčanje s nekim tko vam se prvenstveno
09:30
in the first place.
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doista sviđa.
09:33
Now if you're not currently experiencing
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Ako trenutačno ne proživljavate
09:36
the joy of the joint tax return,
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radost zajedničkog povrata poreza,
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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ne mogu vam reći kako da nađete osobu koja voli kućanske poslove
09:42
of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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u približno idealnoj veličini i nivou privlačnosti,
09:45
who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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koja više voli horor-filmove i nema mnogo prijatelja
09:47
hovering on the brink of divorce,
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koji lebde na rubu razvoda,
09:49
but I can only encourage you to try,
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ali mogu vas ohrabriti da pokušate
09:52
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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jer su koristi, kao što sam predočila,
09:54
are significant.
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značajne.
09:56
The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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Ključna stvar je, bilo da ste u braku ili još u potrazi,
09:59
I believe marriage is an institution
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da vjerujem da je brak institucija
10:02
worth pursuing and protecting.
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kojoj je vrijedno stremiti i koju je vrijedno zaštititi.
10:05
So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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Nadam se da ćete informacije koje sam vam danas dala
10:07
to weigh your personal strengths
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iskoristiti kako biste izmjerili vlastitu snagu
10:09
against your own risk factors.
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u odnosu na osobne faktore rizika.
10:11
For instance, in my marriage,
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Na primjer, moj brak,
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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rekla bih da mi dobro ide.
10:15
One the one hand,
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U jednu ruku,
10:17
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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imam muža koji je iritantno vitak
10:20
and incredibly handsome.
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i nevjerojatno zgodan.
10:22
So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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Dakle, očito je da ću ga morati udebljati.
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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I kao što sam rekla, imamo te razvedene prijatelje
10:27
who may secretly or subconsciously
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koji nas možda tajno ili podsvjesno
10:29
be trying to break us up.
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pokušavaju razdvojiti.
10:31
So we have to keep an eye on that.
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Morat ću obratiti pozornost na to.
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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Volimo piti koktele.
10:37
On the other hand,
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U drugu ruku,
10:39
I have the fake happy picture thing.
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imam lažno-sretne slike.
10:41
And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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Moj muž također radi dosta toga po kući,
10:44
and would happily never see
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i rado ne bi odgledao više
10:46
another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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nijednu romantičnu komediju do kraja života.
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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Te mi stvari idu u korist.
10:52
But just in case,
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Ali za svaki slučaj
10:54
I plan to work extra hard
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planiram se dodatno potruditi
10:56
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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da ne osvojim Oscar u skorijoj budućnosti.
10:59
And for the good of your relationships,
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A za dobrobit vaših veza
11:01
I would encourage you to do the same.
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preporučujem vam da učinite isto.
11:03
I'll see you at the bar.
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Vidimo se na šanku.
11:05
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - WriterJenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.
Why you should listen
Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com