TEDxMtHood
Jia Jiang: What I learned from 100 days of rejection
蒋甲: 我从“被拒100天”学到的
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蒋甲勇敢地探索很多人都害怕的领域——拒绝。通过在100天里寻求拒绝，从向陌生人借100美金到在餐馆请求“汉堡续杯”，蒋甲化解拒绝带来的痛苦和羞耻，并在这个过程中发现，只要开口请求你想要的，就可能绝处逢生。
Jia Jiang - Author, blogger, entrepreneur
Jia Jiang's journey through rejection revealed a world hidden in plain sight, where people are much kinder than we imagine. Full bio
Jia Jiang's journey through rejection revealed a world hidden in plain sight, where people are much kinder than we imagine. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
When I was six years old,
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当我6岁的时候，
00:14
I received my gifts.
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我收到了份礼物。
00:16
My first grade teacher
had this brilliant idea.
had this brilliant idea.
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我一年级的老师有一个很棒的主意。
00:19
She wanted us to experience
receiving gifts
receiving gifts
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她想让我们在接受礼物的同时
00:23
but also learning the virtue
of complimenting each other.
of complimenting each other.
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还能学习如何表扬他人。
00:27
So she had all of us
come to the front of the classroom,
come to the front of the classroom,
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所以她让我们走到教室前面，
00:30
and she bought all of us gifts
and stacked them in the corner.
and stacked them in the corner.
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她给我们每个人带了礼物，堆在墙角。
00:33
And she said,
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然后她说：“让我们在这里互相表扬吧。
00:34
"Why don't we just stand here
and compliment each other?
and compliment each other?
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00:37
If you hear your name called,
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如果你听到有谁表扬你，
00:39
go and pick up your gift and sit down."
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就去拿一份礼物然后回座位。”
00:42
What a wonderful idea, right?
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多棒的主意，对吗？
00:44
What could go wrong?
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能出什么差错呢？
00:46
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:48
Well, there were 40 of us to start with,
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我们一共有40个孩子，
00:50
and every time I heard
someone's name called,
someone's name called,
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每一次别人被叫到名字，
00:53
I would give out the heartiest cheer.
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我都会很高兴的叫好。
00:55
And then there were 20 people left,
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然后剩下20个人，
00:57
and 10 people left,
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然后10个人，
00:59
and five left ...
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5个人……
01:01
and three left.
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最后剩下了3个人。
01:03
And I was one of them.
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而我是其中一个。
01:04
And the compliments stopped.
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再也没有表扬了。
01:07
Well, at that moment, I was crying.
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就在那时，我开始哭。
01:10
And the teacher was freaking out.
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老师也不知所措。
01:12
She was like, "Hey, would anyone
say anything nice about these people?"
say anything nice about these people?"
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她说：“嘿，有没有人
愿意表扬一下这些同学？”
愿意表扬一下这些同学？”
01:16
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:17
"No one? OK, why don't you
go get your gift and sit down.
go get your gift and sit down.
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“没有吗？好吧。那你们
去拿一份礼物然后回座位吧。
去拿一份礼物然后回座位吧。
01:20
So behave next year --
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明年要好好表现哦，
01:21
someone might say
something nice about you."
something nice about you."
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说不定会有人表扬你。”
01:24
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:26
Well, as I'm describing this you,
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你看我记得如此清楚，
01:28
you probably know
I remember this really well.
I remember this really well.
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因为这是我心里永远的痛。
01:30
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:32
But I don't know who felt worse that day.
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但我不知道当天谁的感觉更糟糕，
01:35
Was it me or the teacher?
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我还是我的老师？
01:37
She must have realized
that she turned a team-building event
that she turned a team-building event
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她一定意识到自己
把一个团队建设活动
把一个团队建设活动
01:40
into a public roast
for three six-year-olds.
for three six-year-olds.
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变成了3个6岁孩子的尴尬时刻。
而且这种尴尬一点都不好笑。
01:43
And without the humor.
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01:45
You know, when you see
people get roasted on TV,
people get roasted on TV,
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电视上演的那些尴尬时刻，
01:47
it was funny.
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非常好笑。
01:48
There was nothing funny about that day.
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但那天一点都不好笑。
01:51
So that was one version of me,
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所以那是一个版本的我，
01:54
and I would die to avoid
being in that situation again --
being in that situation again --
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我死也不要再次经历这种事情——
01:57
to get rejected in public again.
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在众目睽睽下被拒绝。
02:00
That's one version.
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这是一个版本。
02:02
Then fast-forward eight years.
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时间快进8年。
02:04
Bill Gates came to my hometown --
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比尔·盖茨来到我的家乡
02:06
Beijing, China --
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——中国北京——
02:07
to speak,
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做演讲。
02:08
and I saw his message.
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我看了他的演讲，
02:10
I fell in love with that guy.
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就被他深深迷住了。
02:13
I thought, wow,
I know what I want to do now.
I know what I want to do now.
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我想，哇，我找到了人生目标。
02:15
That night I wrote a letter to my family
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当天晚上我给家人写了一封信，
02:18
telling them: "By age 25,
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信上说，“在25岁之前，
02:20
I will build the biggest
company in the world,
company in the world,
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我要打造一个世界上最大的公司，
02:23
and that company will buy Microsoft."
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而这家公司会买下微软。”
02:25
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:26
I totally embraced this idea
of conquering the world --
of conquering the world --
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我向他真心学到了征服世界的想法，
02:29
domination, right?
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统治世界，对吧。
02:31
And I didn't make this up,
I did write that letter.
I did write that letter.
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我没骗你们，我真的写了信。
02:34
And here it is --
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就是这封——
02:35
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:37
You don't have to read this through --
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你没必要看懂中文，
02:39
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:41
This is also bad handwriting,
but I did highlight some key words.
but I did highlight some key words.
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字也写得不好看，但我
划出了一些重点词。
划出了一些重点词。
02:45
You get the idea.
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你们就明白了。
02:46
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:48
So ...
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所以……
02:51
that was another version of me:
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这是另一个版本的我，
02:53
one who will conquer the world.
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一个想要征服世界的我。
02:55
Well, then two years later,
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时间又过了两年，
02:57
I was presented with the opportunity
to come to the United States.
to come to the United States.
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我得到了一个来美国的机会，
03:01
I jumped on it,
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我抓住了它，
03:03
because that was
where Bill Gates lived, right?
where Bill Gates lived, right?
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因为这可是比尔·盖茨
的故乡啊，对吧？
的故乡啊，对吧？
03:05
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:06
I thought that was the start
of my entrepreneur journey.
of my entrepreneur journey.
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当时我觉得这会是我
创业生涯的开始。
创业生涯的开始。
03:09
Then, fast-forward another 14 years.
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然后，再快进14年，
03:11
I was 30.
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我三十岁了。
03:13
Nope, I didn't build that company.
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我并没有成立那家公司。
03:15
I didn't even start.
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甚至没有开始。
03:17
I was actually a marketing manager
for a Fortune 500 company.
for a Fortune 500 company.
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而是成为了一家500强企业
里一个平凡的市场经理。
里一个平凡的市场经理。
03:21
And I felt I was stuck;
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我感觉我卡住了，
03:23
I was stagnant.
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停滞不前。
03:25
Why is that?
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为什么呢？
03:26
Where is that 14-year-old
who wrote that letter?
who wrote that letter?
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那个写信的14岁孩子去哪了？
03:29
It's not because he didn't try.
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不是因为他没有尝试。
03:31
It's because every time I had a new idea,
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而是因为每次我有了新的主意，
03:34
every time I wanted to try something new,
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每次我想尝试一些新的东西，
03:36
even at work --
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甚至在工作的时候——
03:37
I wanted to make a proposal,
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我想提出一个方案，
03:39
I wanted to speak up
in front of people in a group --
in front of people in a group --
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我想在一群人面前讲话——
03:43
I felt there was this constant battle
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我感觉6岁的我和14岁的我之间
03:45
between the 14-year-old
and the six-year-old.
and the six-year-old.
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一直在斗争。
03:47
One wanted to conquer the world --
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一个想征服世界，
03:50
make a difference --
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改变现况，
03:51
another was afraid of rejection.
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另一个却害怕被拒绝。
03:54
And every time that six-year-old won.
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然而每次那个6岁的我都赢了。
03:57
And this fear even persisted
after I started my own company.
after I started my own company.
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这个惧怕甚至持续到
我开了自己的公司。
我开了自己的公司。
04:01
I mean, I started
my own company when I was 30 --
my own company when I was 30 --
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我在30岁的时候成立了我的公司，
04:05
if you want to be Bill Gates,
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如果你想成为比尔·盖茨，
迟早要踏出第一步，对吗？
04:06
you've got to start
sooner or later, right?
sooner or later, right?
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04:09
When I was an entrepreneur,
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当我开始创业后不久，
04:11
I was presented
with an investment opportunity,
with an investment opportunity,
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遇见了一个被投资的机会，
04:14
and then I was turned down.
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但是我最终被拒绝了，
04:17
And that rejection hurt me.
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那次拒绝伤害了我。
04:18
It hurt me so bad
that I wanted to quit right there.
that I wanted to quit right there.
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严重到我想当场放弃。
04:23
But then I thought,
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但是我想，
04:24
hey, would Bill Gates quit
after a simple investment rejection?
after a simple investment rejection?
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嘿，比尔·盖茨会在一次
投资被拒后就放弃吗？
投资被拒后就放弃吗？
04:29
Would any successful
entrepreneur quit like that?
entrepreneur quit like that?
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任何成功的创业人会像那样放弃吗？
04:31
No way.
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当然不。
04:33
And this is where it clicked for me.
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我突然间恍然大悟。
04:35
OK, I can build a better company.
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我能创立一个更好的公司。
04:37
I can build a better
team or better product,
team or better product,
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我能建立更好的团队，
开发更好的产品，
开发更好的产品，
04:39
but one thing for sure:
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但有一件事是必须的：
04:40
I've got to be a better leader.
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我要成为一个更好的领导者，
04:42
I've got to be a better person.
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成为一个更好的人。
04:44
I cannot let that six-year-old
keep dictating my life anymore.
keep dictating my life anymore.
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我不能让那个6岁的我
继续支配我的生活。
继续支配我的生活。
04:48
I have to put him back in his place.
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我要战胜他。
04:51
So this is where I went online
and looked for help.
and looked for help.
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所以我上网寻求帮助。
谷歌是我的朋友。
04:53
Google was my friend.
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04:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
我搜索：“怎么克服被拒绝的恐惧？”
04:55
I searched, "How do I overcome
the fear of rejection?"
the fear of rejection?"
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04:59
I came up with a bunch
of psychology articles
of psychology articles
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跳出了很多心理学文章，
05:01
about where the fear
and pain are coming from.
and pain are coming from.
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关于恐惧和痛苦的来源。
05:04
Then I came up with a bunch
of "rah-rah" inspirational articles
of "rah-rah" inspirational articles
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然后是一些励志的文章
05:08
about "Don't take it personally,
just overcome it."
just overcome it."
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关于“不要太在意，克服就好。”
05:11
Who doesn't know that?
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废话，地球人都知道好吗。
05:12
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:14
But why was I still so scared?
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但为什么我还是很害怕？
05:16
Then I found this website by luck.
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然后我意外找到了这个网站，
05:18
It's called rejectiontherapy.com.
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叫做 RejectionTherapy.com(被拒治疗法)
05:21
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:23
"Rejection Therapy" was this game
invented by this Canadian entrepreneur.
invented by this Canadian entrepreneur.
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“被拒治疗法”是加拿大一个
创业者发明的游戏，
创业者发明的游戏，
05:27
His name is Jason Comely.
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他叫杰森·康利。
05:29
And basically the idea is for 30 days
you go out and look for rejection,
you go out and look for rejection,
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游戏很简单，
你出门找拒绝，持续30天，
你出门找拒绝，持续30天，
05:34
and every day get rejected at something,
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每天都主动找人因某些事拒绝你，
05:36
and then by the end,
you desensitize yourself from the pain.
you desensitize yourself from the pain.
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最后，你对被拒绝就会感到麻木了。
05:41
And I loved that idea.
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我太爱这个主意了。
05:43
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:44
I said, "You know what?
I'm going to do this.
I'm going to do this.
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我说：“好吧。我就这么干。
05:46
And I'll feel myself
getting rejected 100 days."
getting rejected 100 days."
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我要让自己被拒绝100天
而且把情景录制下来。”
而且把情景录制下来。”
05:49
And I came up with my own rejection ideas,
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我要自己想象出被拒绝的注意，
05:52
and I made a video blog out of it.
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还为此创建了视频博客。
05:55
And so here's what I did.
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这就是我做的。
05:57
This is what the blog looked like.
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这就是那个博客。
06:00
Day One ...
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第一天……
06:02
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:03
Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger.
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向一个陌生人借100美金。
06:07
So this is where I went
to where I was working.
to where I was working.
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所以我来到公司，
06:10
I came downstairs
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我走下楼，
06:12
and I saw this big guy
sitting behind a desk.
sitting behind a desk.
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看见桌子后面坐着一个壮汉。
06:14
He looked like a security guard.
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可能是保安吧。
06:16
So I just approached him.
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所以我接近他，
06:17
And I was just walking
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我走向他，
06:19
and that was the longest
walk of my life --
walk of my life --
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简直是我人生中最漫长一段路，
06:22
hair on the back
of my neck standing up,
of my neck standing up,
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我觉得脖子后面的汗毛都竖起来了，
06:24
I was sweating and my heart was pounding.
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手心都是汗，心怦怦直跳。
06:26
And I got there and said,
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我走到他面前，
06:27
"Hey, sir, can I borrow
100 dollars from you?"
100 dollars from you?"
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说：“先生你好，
我能向你借100美金吗？”
我能向你借100美金吗？”
06:30
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:31
And he looked up, he's like, "No."
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他抬起头，说：“不行。
06:34
"Why?"
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为什么？”
06:36
And I just said, "No? I'm sorry."
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我说：“不行吗？真不好意思。”
06:38
Then I turned around,
and I just ran.
and I just ran.
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然后我转身就逃了。
06:40
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:43
I felt so embarrassed.
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我感觉非常尴尬。
06:44
But because I filmed myself --
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但是因为我录下了这段经历，
06:46
so that night I was watching
myself getting rejected,
myself getting rejected,
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所以那天晚上，我
重看了一遍被拒绝的过程，
重看了一遍被拒绝的过程，
06:49
I just saw how scared I was.
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我看到了自己有多害怕。
06:51
I looked like this kid
in "The Sixth Sense."
in "The Sixth Sense."
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像是《灵异第六感》里的孩子，
06:54
I saw dead people.
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看见死人一样害怕。
06:55
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:57
But then I saw this guy.
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但我又看了看那个人，
06:58
You know, he wasn't that menacing.
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他并没有那么可怕。
07:00
He was a chubby, loveable guy,
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看起来胖乎乎的，很可爱，
07:03
and he even asked me, "Why?"
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他甚至还问我，“为什么”。
07:06
In fact, he invited me to explain myself.
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事实上，他给了我解释的机会，
07:08
And I could've said many things.
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我本来可以说很多。
07:10
I could've explained,
I could've negotiated.
I could've negotiated.
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我可以解释，可以交涉。
07:12
I didn't do any of that.
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但我什么都没做，
07:14
All I did was run.
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我只是逃走了。
07:17
I felt, wow, this is like
the microcosm of my life.
the microcosm of my life.
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我觉得，哇，这简直
就是我人生的缩影。
就是我人生的缩影。
07:21
Every time I felt the slightest rejection,
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每次我遇到一点小小的拒绝，
07:23
I would just run as fast as I could.
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我就撒腿就跑。
07:25
And you know what?
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于是我决定了，
07:27
The next day, no matter what happens,
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第二天，不管发生了什么，
07:28
I'm not going to run.
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我都不会逃跑。
07:30
I'll stay engaged.
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我会继续交涉。
07:32
Day Two: Request a "burger refill."
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第二天：请求一个“汉堡续杯”
07:34
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:36
It's when I went to a burger joint,
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我来到一家汉堡店，
07:38
I finished lunch,
and I went to the cashier and said,
and I went to the cashier and said,
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吃完午餐，走向收银员，说：
“你好，我能来一个汉堡续杯吗？”
07:41
"Hi, can I get a burger refill?"
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07:42
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:44
He was all confused,
like, "What's a burger refill?"
like, "What's a burger refill?"
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他非常疑惑，“什么是汉堡续杯？”
07:47
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:48
I said, "Well, it's just like
a drink refill but with a burger."
a drink refill but with a burger."
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我说：“就像饮料续杯啊，
只是换成汉堡。”
只是换成汉堡。”
07:52
And he said, "Sorry,
we don't do burger refill, man."
we don't do burger refill, man."
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他说：“不好意思，哥们儿，
我们没有汉堡续杯。”
我们没有汉堡续杯。”
07:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:56
So this is where rejection happened
and I could have run, but I stayed.
and I could have run, but I stayed.
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所以我被拒绝了，
我本可以逃跑，但我没有。
我本可以逃跑，但我没有。
08:00
I said, "Well, I love your burgers,
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我说：“我超爱你们的汉堡，
08:02
I love your joint,
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超爱你们的店，
08:03
and if you guys do a burger refill,
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如果你们能做汉堡续杯，
08:06
I will love you guys more."
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我会爱死你们的。”
08:07
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:08
And he said, "Well, OK,
I'll tell my manager about it,
I'll tell my manager about it,
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然后他说：“好吧，
我会向经理汇报的，
我会向经理汇报的，
08:11
and maybe we'll do it,
but sorry, we can't do this today."
but sorry, we can't do this today."
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以后可能会有这项服务，
但抱歉，今天实在没有办法。”
但抱歉，今天实在没有办法。”
08:14
Then I left.
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然后我走了。
08:15
And by the way,
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顺便说一句，
08:17
I don't think they've
ever done burger refill.
ever done burger refill.
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我觉得他们不会
推出汉堡续杯服务的。
推出汉堡续杯服务的。
08:19
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:21
I think they're still there.
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他们的店还没倒闭。
08:23
But the life and death feeling
I was feeling the first time
I was feeling the first time
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但第一天那种紧张到死的感觉，
08:26
was no longer there,
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已经没有了，
08:27
just because I stayed engaged --
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仅仅因为我留了来交涉，
08:29
because I didn't run.
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没有逃跑。
08:31
I said, "Wow, great,
I'm already learning things.
I'm already learning things.
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我说：“哇，好棒，
我已经有所长进了，
我已经有所长进了，
真的很不错。”
08:34
Great."
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08:35
And then Day Three:
Getting Olympic Doughnuts.
Getting Olympic Doughnuts.
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第三天：索要奥林匹克甜甜圈。
08:38
This is where my life
was turned upside down.
was turned upside down.
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我的人生从此开始被颠覆。
08:42
I went to a Krispy Kreme.
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我去了“卡卡圈坊”，
08:43
It's a doughnut shop
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一家卖甜甜圈的店，
08:45
in mainly the Southeastern part
of the United States.
of the United States.
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主要分布在美国的东南部。
08:47
I'm sure they have some here, too.
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当然这里应该也有。
08:49
And I went in,
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我走进店里，说：
08:50
I said, "Can you make me doughnuts
that look like Olympic symbols?
that look like Olympic symbols?
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“你能为我做一些长得像
奥林匹克标志的甜甜圈吗？
奥林匹克标志的甜甜圈吗？
08:54
Basically, you interlink
five doughnuts together ... "
five doughnuts together ... "
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就是把五个甜甜圈连起来……”
08:56
I mean there's no way
they could say yes, right?
they could say yes, right?
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按理来说他们不可能答应，对吧？
08:59
The doughnut maker took me so seriously.
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但那个做甜甜圈的特别重视我的要求！
09:02
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:03
So she put out paper,
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她居然拿出一张纸，
09:04
started jotting down
the colors and the rings,
the colors and the rings,
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记下颜色和排列，
09:06
and is like, "How can I make this?"
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思考该怎么制作。
09:08
And then 15 minutes later,
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15分钟后，
09:10
she came out with a box
that looked like Olympic rings.
that looked like Olympic rings.
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她拿着一盒奥运五环甜甜圈出来了。
09:14
And I was so touched.
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我感动极了，
09:15
I just couldn't believe it.
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简直难以置信。
09:18
And that video got
over five million views on Youtube.
over five million views on Youtube.
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这个视频在Youtube上
获得了超过5百万的浏览量。
获得了超过5百万的浏览量。
09:22
The world couldn't believe that either.
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看来整个世界也无法相信。
09:24
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:27
You know, because of that
I was in newspapers,
I was in newspapers,
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因为这件事，我上了报纸，
09:30
in talk shows, in everything.
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参加脱口秀，可忙了。
09:32
And I became famous.
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我出名了。
09:33
A lot of people
started writing emails to me
started writing emails to me
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很多人开始给我写邮件
09:35
and saying, "What you're
doing is awesome."
doing is awesome."
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说：“你做的事情太棒了。”
09:38
But you know, fame and notoriety
did not do anything to me.
did not do anything to me.
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但知名度并不是我想要的。
09:42
What I really wanted to do was learn,
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我真正想要的是学习，
09:43
and to change myself,
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和改变自己。
09:45
so I turned the rest
of my 100 days of rejection
of my 100 days of rejection
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所以我把“被拒100天”剩下的经历
09:47
into this playground --
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变成了个人游乐场，
09:49
into this research project.
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变成了研究项目。
09:51
I wanted to see what I could learn.
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想看看我能学到什么。
09:54
And then I learned a lot of things.
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我学到了很多事情，
09:56
I discovered so many secrets.
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我发现了很多秘密。
09:57
For example, I found if I just don't run,
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比如，我发现只要我在遭到拒绝后，
10:00
if I got rejected,
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不逃之夭夭，
10:01
I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes,"
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2056
我可以把“不行”变成“行”，
10:04
and the magic word is, "why."
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591920
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秘诀就是问对方“为什么”
10:05
So one day I went to a stranger's house,
I had this flower in my hand,
I had this flower in my hand,
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有一天，我去一个陌生人家，
捧着一束花，
捧着一束花，
敲他的门，
10:09
knocked on the door and said,
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597680
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问：“嘿，我能把这束花
种在你家后院吗？”
种在你家后院吗？”
10:11
"Hey, can I plant this flower
in your backyard?"
in your backyard?"
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2256
10:13
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:15
And he said, "No."
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然后他说：“不行。”
10:17
But before he could leave I said,
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605640
1736
在他关门之前，我说：
10:19
"Hey, can I know why?"
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”嘿，你能告诉我为什么吗？“
10:21
And he said, "Well, I have this dog
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他说：“我有一只狗，
10:24
that would dig up
anything I put in the backyard.
anything I put in the backyard.
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它会把后院所有东西都刨出来。
10:26
I don't want to waste your flower.
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我不想浪费你的鲜花。
如果你想种花，
你可以到街对面，问问康妮，
你可以到街对面，问问康妮，
10:28
If you want to do this,
go across the street and talk to Connie.
go across the street and talk to Connie.
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她超爱花的。”
10:31
She loves flowers."
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我照做了。
10:33
So that's what I did.
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10:34
I went across and knocked
on Connie's door.
on Connie's door.
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我穿过马路，敲开妮家的门。
10:36
And she was so happy to see me.
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她看到我可开心了。
10:38
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:39
And then half an hour later,
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一个半小时后，
10:41
there was this flower
in Connie's backyard.
in Connie's backyard.
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我的花就种在了康妮的院子里。
我保证，它现在比这要美多了。
10:43
I'm sure it looks better now.
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10:44
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:46
But had I left
after the initial rejection,
after the initial rejection,
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如果我在被拒后选择离开，
10:49
I would've thought,
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1216
我可能会想，
10:50
well, it's because
the guy didn't trust me,
the guy didn't trust me,
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也许那个人不相信我，
10:52
it's because I was crazy,
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因为我的要求很疯狂，
10:53
because I didn't dress up well,
I didn't look good.
I didn't look good.
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可能因为我穿得不好，
看上去不怎么样。
看上去不怎么样。
结果都不是。
10:56
It was none of those.
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仅仅因为我提供的不是他想要的。
10:57
It was because what I offered
did not fit what he wanted.
did not fit what he wanted.
285
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11:00
And he trusted me enough
to offer me a referral,
to offer me a referral,
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他其实很信任我，还给我推荐了别人，
11:02
using a sales term.
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用销售的行话来说，
我完成了一次转交处理。
11:04
I converted a referral.
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11:06
Then one day --
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1216
然后有一天——
11:07
and I also learned that I can
actually say certain things
actually say certain things
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我又学到一招，我可以
通过表述一些确定的事情，
通过表述一些确定的事情，
11:10
and maximize my chance to get a yes.
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1936
增加我的提议被接受的可能性。
11:12
So for example,
one day I went to a Starbucks,
one day I went to a Starbucks,
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比如，有一天我走进一家星巴克，
11:15
and asked the manager,
"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?"
"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?"
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3576
问经理，“我能成为
星巴克迎宾员吗？”
星巴克迎宾员吗？”
11:18
He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"
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2376
他问：”什么是星巴克迎宾员？“
11:21
I said, "Do you know
those Walmart greeters?
those Walmart greeters?
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2096
我说：“你知道沃尔玛迎宾员吗？
11:23
You know, those people who say
'hi' to you before you walk in the store,
'hi' to you before you walk in the store,
296
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3416
就是那些在你进店前，跟你打招呼，
11:26
and make sure you
don't steal stuff, basically?
don't steal stuff, basically?
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2216
然后盯着你在店里别偷东西的人？
11:28
I want to give a Walmart experience
to Starbucks customers."
to Starbucks customers."
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3136
我想给星巴克顾客
带来沃尔玛式的体验。”
带来沃尔玛式的体验。”
11:31
(Laughter)
299
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（笑声）
11:33
Well, I'm not sure
that's a good thing, actually --
that's a good thing, actually --
300
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3000
我不确定这种体验好不好，
11:37
Actually, I'm pretty sure
it's a bad thing.
it's a bad thing.
301
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2496
实际上因该肯定不好。
11:40
And he was like, "Oh" --
302
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2056
然后他说：“哦，”
11:42
yeah, this is how he looked,
his name is Eric --
his name is Eric --
303
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2256
没错，就是他，他叫埃里克，
11:44
and he was like, "I'm not sure."
304
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1576
他说：“我不确定。”
11:46
This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure."
305
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2056
这就是当时他的表情，“我不确定。”
11:48
Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"
306
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1656
然后我问他，“这很奇怪吗？”
11:49
He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."
307
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2040
他说：“没错，哥们儿，很奇怪。”
11:52
But as soon as he said that,
his whole demeanor changed.
his whole demeanor changed.
308
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2856
但是在他说完之后，
他的整个举止就变了。
他的整个举止就变了。
11:55
It's as if he's putting
all the doubt on the floor.
all the doubt on the floor.
309
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2936
像是这事儿提出来后他就把怀疑全倒干净了。
11:58
And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,
310
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1736
他说：“好吧，你做吧，
12:00
just don't get too weird."
311
708400
1256
但希望你别太奇怪了。”
12:01
(Laughter)
312
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1416
（笑声）
12:03
So for the next hour
I was the Starbucks greeter.
I was the Starbucks greeter.
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2376
所以接下来的一个小时，
我成为了星巴克迎宾员。
我成为了星巴克迎宾员。
12:05
I said "hi" to every customer
that walked in,
that walked in,
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2136
我对每一个进门的顾客说“你好”，
12:07
and gave them holiday cheers.
315
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2376
祝他们节日快乐。
12:10
By the way, I don't know
what your career trajectory is,
what your career trajectory is,
316
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2656
顺便提一句，我不知道
你们的职业规划是什么，
你们的职业规划是什么，
千万不要当迎宾员。
12:12
don't be a greeter.
317
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1216
12:14
(Laughter)
318
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（笑声）
真的很无聊。
12:15
It was really boring.
319
723240
1200
12:17
But then I found I could do this
because I mentioned, "Is that weird?"
because I mentioned, "Is that weird?"
320
725200
4936
但后来我发现，我之所以能成功，
是因为我提到了“这很奇怪吗？”
是因为我提到了“这很奇怪吗？”
12:22
I mentioned the doubt that he was having.
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2136
我提出了他心里的疑问。
12:24
And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?",
that means I wasn't weird.
that means I wasn't weird.
322
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3536
正因为我问了“这很奇怪吗”，
恰恰意味着我不奇怪。
恰恰意味着我不奇怪。
12:27
That means I was actually
thinking just like him,
thinking just like him,
323
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2536
这意味着我跟他想的一样，
12:30
seeing this as a weird thing.
324
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2376
也觉得这事儿很奇怪。
12:32
And again, and again,
325
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就这样一次又一次，
12:34
I learned that if I mention
some doubt people might have
some doubt people might have
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3136
我体会到，如果在我
提出自己的要求之前，
提出自己的要求之前，
12:37
before I ask the question,
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1816
我能说出对方心里的疑问，
12:39
I gained their trust.
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我就能赢得他们的信任。
12:40
People were more likely to say yes to me.
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他们也更有可能答应我的要求。
12:42
And then I learned
I could fulfill my life dream ...
I could fulfill my life dream ...
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然后我明白了，要想实现人生理想，
只要开口。
12:46
by asking.
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12:47
You know, I came
from four generations of teachers,
from four generations of teachers,
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我家四代都是老师，
12:50
and my grandma has always told me,
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我的奶奶一直跟我说，
12:53
"Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,
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“阿甲（我的小名），你可以做任何你想做的事情，
12:55
but it'd be great
if you became a teacher."
if you became a teacher."
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但最好还是当老师。”
12:58
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
12:59
But I wanted to be
an entrepreneur, so I didn't.
an entrepreneur, so I didn't.
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但我的理想是创业，
所以我没当老师。
所以我没当老师。
13:01
But it has always been my dream
to actually teach something.
to actually teach something.
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但是给人讲课却一直是我的梦想。
13:05
So I said, "What if I just ask
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所以我想：“如果我直接
13:07
and teach a college class?"
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请求去大学教一堂课呢？”
13:09
I lived in Austin at the time,
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当时我住在奥斯汀，
13:11
so I went to University
of Texas at Austin,
of Texas at Austin,
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所以我去了德州大学奥斯汀分校，
13:13
and knocked on professors' doors
and said, "Can I teach your class?"
and said, "Can I teach your class?"
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敲教授的门，问
“我可以教您的课吗？”
“我可以教您的课吗？”
13:16
I didn't get anywhere
the first couple of times.
the first couple of times.
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开始几次我没有成功，
13:18
But because I didn't run --
I kept doing it --
I kept doing it --
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但我没有逃，不停去尝试，
13:21
and on the third try
the professor was very impressed.
the professor was very impressed.
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到了第3次，教授被打动了。
13:24
He was like, "No one
has done this before."
has done this before."
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他说：“从没有人做过这事。”
13:26
And I came in prepared
with powerpoints and my lesson.
with powerpoints and my lesson.
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我来之前就已经准备好幻灯片和课程。
13:30
He said, "Wow, I can use this.
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他说：“哇，我真的能用上这些。
13:33
Why don't you come back in two months?
I'll fit you in my curriculum."
I'll fit you in my curriculum."
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你两个月后过来吧，
我把你加到我的课表里。”
我把你加到我的课表里。”
13:36
And two months later
I was teaching a class.
I was teaching a class.
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两个月后，我去教了一堂课。
13:38
This is me -- you probably can't see,
this is a bad picture.
this is a bad picture.
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这是我——你可能看不清楚，
照片拍得不好。
照片拍得不好。
13:41
You know, sometimes you get
rejected by lighting, you know?
rejected by lighting, you know?
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有的时候连光线都拒绝你，对吗？
（笑声）
13:44
(Laughter)
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13:46
But wow --
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但是，
13:48
when I finished teaching that class,
I walked out crying,
I walked out crying,
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当我教完那堂课，我是哭着走出来的，
13:50
because I thought
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因为我发现，
13:52
I could fulfill my life dream
just by simply asking.
just by simply asking.
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我可以实现人生理想，
只需要开口请求。
只需要开口请求。
13:55
I used to think I have to accomplish
all these things --
all these things --
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而原本我以为，要实现理想，
要先达到许多标准——
要先达到许多标准——
比如成为杰出的创业者，
或者成为博士才能教书——
或者成为博士才能教书——
13:58
have to be a great entrepreneur,
or get a PhD to teach --
or get a PhD to teach --
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14:02
but no, I just asked,
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并不是，我只要开口请求，
14:03
and I could teach.
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我就能教书。
14:05
And in that picture --
which you can't see --
which you can't see --
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在这张照片里，可能大家看不到，
14:07
I quoted Martin Luther King Jr.
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我援引了马丁·路德·金的话，
14:11
Why? Because in my research I found
that people who really change the world,
that people who really change the world,
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为什么？因为我发现
那些改变了世界的人，
那些改变了世界的人，
14:15
who change the way we live
and the way we think,
and the way we think,
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改变了我们生活方式和思维方式的人，
14:18
are the people who were met
with initial and often violent rejections.
with initial and often violent rejections.
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都是那些遭到开始的拒绝，甚至暴力拒绝的人。
14:22
People like Martin Luther King Jr.,
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比如马丁·路德·金，
14:24
like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela,
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圣雄甘地，尼尔森·曼德拉，
14:27
or even Jesus Christ.
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甚至耶稣基督。
14:28
These people did not
let rejection define them.
let rejection define them.
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这些人没有让拒绝定义自己，
14:31
They let their own reaction
after rejection define themselves.
after rejection define themselves.
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而是用被拒绝后的行动定义了自己。
14:37
And they embraced rejection.
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他们拥抱拒绝。
14:39
And we don't have to be those people
to learn about rejection,
to learn about rejection,
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要了解拒绝，我们不需要成为这些人，
14:42
but in my case,
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以我为例，
14:43
rejection was my curse --
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拒绝曾是我的诅咒，
14:46
was my boogeyman.
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曾是我的梦魔。
14:47
It has bothered me my whole life
because I was running away from it.
because I was running away from it.
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它困扰了我一生，
因为我曾经不敢面对它。
因为我曾经不敢面对它。
14:51
Then I started embracing it.
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然后我开始拥抱它。
14:53
I turned that into
the biggest gift in my life.
the biggest gift in my life.
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把它转变为我人生中最大的礼物。
14:57
I started teaching people
how to turn rejections into opportunities.
how to turn rejections into opportunities.
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我开始教别人如何把拒绝变成机会。
15:01
I use my blog, I use my talk,
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用我的博客，我的演讲，
15:03
I use the book I just published,
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用我刚刚出版的书，
15:05
and I'm even using technology to help
people overcome their fear of rejection.
people overcome their fear of rejection.
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我还发展科技，来帮助人们
克服被拒绝的恐惧。
克服被拒绝的恐惧。
15:12
When you get rejected in life,
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当你在人生中遭到拒绝，
15:14
when you are facing the next obstacle,
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当你面对下一个障碍，
15:16
or next failure,
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或下一次失败，
15:18
consider the possibilities.
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想想以下这个可能：
15:20
Don't run.
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不要逃跑。
15:21
If you just embrace them,
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如果你拥抱它们，
15:22
they might become your gifts as well.
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它们也可能成为你的礼物。
15:25
Thank you.
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谢谢大家。
15:26
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jia Jiang - Author, blogger, entrepreneurJia Jiang's journey through rejection revealed a world hidden in plain sight, where people are much kinder than we imagine.
Why you should listen
Jia Jiang is the owner of Rejection Therapy, a website that provides inspiration, knowledge and products for people to overcome their fear of rejection. He is also the CEO of Wuju Learning, a company that teaches people and trains organizations to become fearless through rejection training. In 2015, he authored a bestselling book, Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection.
Several years after Jiang began his career in the corporate world, he took a life-altering risk and stepped into the unknown world of entrepreneurship. His result was everyone's biggest fear: rejection. This was the catalyst that set Jiang on the path to his true calling.
To conquer the fear of rejection, Jiang embarked on a personal quest and started a blog, 100 Days of Rejection Therapy. His journey revealed a world that was hidden in plain sight -- a world where people are much kinder than we imagine. He discovered that rejection can be much less painful than we believe and that the fear of rejection is much more destructive than we know.
Jiang grew up in Beijing, China and migrated to the United States at age 16. He holds a Bachelor of Computer Science from Brigham Young University and a Master of Business Administration from Duke University.
Jia Jiang | Speaker | TED.com