TED2008
Laura Trice: Remember to say thank you
Laura Trice biz hammamiz rahmat aytishimiz kerakligini tavsiya qiladi
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Qisqagina 3 daqiqali nutqda, Doktor Laura Trice sirli "rahmat" so'zining kuchiga e'tibor berib gapiradi - do'stlikni mustahkamlash uchun, aloqani tiklash uchun va o'zga inson o'zining siz uchun qanday ahamiyatli ekanligini anglashi uchun. Amalda bir qo'llab ko'ring.
Laura Trice - Counselor, coach and baker
Laura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food. Full bio
Laura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of
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Salom. Men sizlarga maqtov, fahrlanish
00:22
praise, admiration and thank you,
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va rahmat aytishning muhimligi haqida gapirmoqchiman.
00:25
and having it be specific and genuine.
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Shu jumladan, buni mahsus va samimiy ayting.
00:27
And the way I got interested in this was,
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Bunga qiziqishim uyg'onganligining sababi
00:29
I noticed in myself, when I was growing up,
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yillar o'tib, ulg'ayganim sari yaqin yaqin yillarda
00:32
and until about a few years ago,
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men o'zimda shu narsani sezdim:
00:33
that I would want to say thank you to someone,
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kimgadir rahmat aytgim kelardi,
00:35
I would want to praise them,
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kimlarnidir maqtagim kelardi,
00:36
I would want to take in their praise of me
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ularning menga bo'lgan maqtovini chuqur anglagim kelardi
00:38
and I'd just stop it.
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va bu fikrimdan to'xtab qolar edim.
00:40
And I asked myself, why?
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Nima uchun?, deb o'zimdan so'radim.
00:43
I felt shy, I felt embarrassed.
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Men uyalardim, o'zimni hijolatda his qilardim.
00:45
And then my question became,
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So'ngra, menda shunday savol paydo bo'ldi:
00:47
am I the only one who does this?
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Shunday holatda bo'ladigan faqatgina menmi?
00:49
So, I decided to investigate.
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Shu boisdan, men bu borada izlanishga qaror qildim.
00:50
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility,
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Men profilaktika klinikasida ishlaganimdan juda omadliman,
00:53
so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction.
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chunki betinim hayot va o'lim bilan yuzlashayotgan insonlarni ko'ra oldim.
00:56
And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as,
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Ba'zan, shunday sodda narsalar bo'ladi, ya'ni kimningdir asosiy jarohati shundaki
01:00
their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them.
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otasi o'g'li bilan faxrlanishini hech ham aytmasdan vafot etgan.
01:05
But then, they hear from all the family and friends
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Lekin, keyinchalik o'g'li oila a'zolari va do'stlaridan shuni eshitadiki,
01:07
that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him,
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otasi boshqalarga u bilan qanday faxrlanishini aytgan,
01:10
but he never told the son.
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ammo o'g'liga hech ham unday demagan.
01:11
It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
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Buning sababi, u kishi o'g'lining bu gapni eshitishi muhimligini anglamagandi.
01:14
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need?
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Mening savolim: Nima uchun biz o'zimizga kerak narsalarni so'ramaymiz?
01:18
I know a gentleman, married for 25 years,
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Uylanganiga 25 yil bo'lgan bir kishini bilaman,
01:20
who's longing to hear his wife say,
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u ayolidan shunday gapni eshitishni orzu qilib yuradi:
01:22
"Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids,"
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"Uyga non olib keluvchi bo'lganingiz uchun rahmat, shu sababli men farzandlarim bilan uyda bo'la olaman,"
01:25
but won't ask.
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lekin u kishi bu gapni so'ramasdi.
01:26
I know a woman who's good at this.
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Bu borada mohir bir ayolni bilan.
01:28
She, once a week, meets with her husband and says,
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Haftasiga bir marta turmush o'rtogi bilan uchrashib, unga aytadi,
01:30
"I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids."
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"Mening uyda bajargan va farzandlarim uchun bajargan hamma narsalar uchun menga rahmat aytishingizni xohlayman."
01:34
And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great."
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U esa aytadi, "Bu juda ham zo'r, juda zo'r."
01:37
And praise really does have to be genuine,
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Maqtov rostdan ham samimiy bo'lishi kerak,
01:39
but she takes responsibility for that.
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ammo u ayol o'sha ish uchun mas'uliyatni o'ziga oladi.
01:41
And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten,
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Mening bog'cha paytimdan beri bo'lgan do'stim, April
01:44
she thanks her children for doing their chores.
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farzandlari o'z vazifalarini bajarganligi uchun ularga rahmat aytadi.
01:47
And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
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U shunday dedi, "Shu ishlarni bajarish farzandlarimning vazifalari bo'lishidan qat'iy nazar, nima uchun ularga rahmat demaslgim kerak?"
01:49
So, the question is, why was I blocking it?
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Hullas, savol shu: Nimaga men bunga to'sqinlik qilayotgan edim?
01:51
Why were other people blocking it?
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Nimaga boshqa odamlar bunga to'sqinlik qilayotgan edi?
01:52
Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare,
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Nimaga men shunday deb ayta olaman, " men bifshteksning o'rtachasini olaman,
01:55
I need size six shoes," but I won't say,
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oltinchi o'lchamdagi oyoq kiyim kerak," lekin bunday deb aytmayman.
01:58
"Would you praise me this way?"
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"Shunday desam, siz meni maqtaysizmi?"
02:00
And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me.
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Chunki men sizga o'zim haqimda muhim ma'lumot beryapman.
02:04
I'm telling you where I'm insecure.
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Sizga qaysi jihatdan ojizligimni aytyapman.
02:06
I'm telling you where I need your help.
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Menga yordamingiz kerak bo'lganida sizga aytyapman.
02:08
And I'm treating you, my inner circle,
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Shu bilan birga men sizga, ichki mulkimga,
02:11
like you're the enemy.
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dushmanimday munosabatda bo'lyapman.
02:13
Because what can you do with that data?
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Chunki ana o'sha ma'lumot bilan nima qila olasiz?
02:15
You could neglect me.
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Menga befarq bo'lishingiz mumkin.
02:17
You could abuse it.
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U ma'lumotni noto'g'ri maqsadda ishlatishingiz mumkin.
02:18
Or you could actually meet my need.
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Yoki mening hojatimni bajarishingiz mumkin.
02:20
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this --
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Va men velosipedimni velosiped do'koniga olib bordim-- buni men yaxshi ko'raman -
02:22
same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels.
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huddi shu velosipedim, ular esa "g'ildiraklarini sozlash" degan narsalarni bajarar edi.
02:25
The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels,
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Shu bir yigit aytdi, "Bilasizmi, g'ildiraklarni sozlasangiz,
02:27
it's going to make the bike so much better."
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velosiped ancha yaxshi bo'ladi."
02:28
I get the same bike back,
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Men ayni o'sha velosipedimni qaytib oldim
02:30
and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels
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va men ikki yarim yildan beri ishlatayotgan velosiped g'ildiraklaridan
02:33
I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new.
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hamma mayda o'ralashgan arqonu iplarni olib tashladi va velosipedim yangidek bo'ldib qoldi.
02:36
So, I'm going to challenge all of you.
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Endi, men hammanglarga murakkab vazifa bermoqchiman.
02:38
I want you to true your wheels:
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"G'ildiraginlarni sozlashingizni" xohlayman:
02:40
be honest about the praise that you need to hear.
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eshitishingizni istagan maqtovda samimiy bo'lib.
02:43
What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife --
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Nimani eshitishni xohlaysiz? Uyga borib, ayolingizga ayting,
02:45
go ask her, what does she need?
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undan so'rang, unga nima kerak?
02:47
Go home to your husband -- what does he need?
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Uyingizga borib, turmush o'rtog'ingizga ayting -- unga nima kerak?
02:49
Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
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Uyga borib, shu kabi savollarni so'rang va atrofingizdagilarga yordam bering.
02:52
And it's simple.
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Bu juda sodda.
02:53
And why should we care about this?
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Nima uchun biz bu haqida o'ylashimiz kerak?
02:55
We talk about world peace.
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Biz dunyo tinchligi haqida gapiramiz.
02:56
How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages?
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Turli madaniyatlar va turli tillar bilan biz qanday qilib dunyo tinchligiga erisha olamiz?
02:59
I think it starts household by household, under the same roof.
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O'ylashimcha, bu har bir uydan, umumiy boshpanadan boshlanadi.
03:03
So, let's make it right in our own backyard.
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Ho'sh, bu narsani o'zimizning orqa hovlimizdan boshlaylik.
03:05
And I want to thank all of you in the audience
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Siz tomoshabinlar ajoyib turmush o'rtoq, ajoyib ona,
03:07
for being great husbands, great mothers,
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do'st, qiz va o'g'il bo'lganinglar uchun
03:09
friends, daughters, sons.
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hammangizga rahmat aytaman.
03:11
And maybe somebody's never said that to you,
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Ehtimol, kimdir sizga bu gapni hech qachon aytmagandir,
03:12
but you've done a really, really good job.
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lekin sizlar juda ajoyib ishlarni bajardinglar.
03:14
And thank you for being here, just showing up
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Mana shu yerda bo'lganinglar uchun va g'oyalaringiz bilan
03:17
and changing the world with your ideas.
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dunyoni o'zgartirganinglar uchun sizlarga rahmat.
03:20
Thank you.
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Rahmat.
03:22
(Applause)
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(Qarsaklar)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Laura Trice - Counselor, coach and bakerLaura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food.
Why you should listen
Dr. Laura Trice is a therapist and coach, devoted to practices that help people find fulfillment. She's created a therapeutic program called Writing in Recovery that uses creative skills such as journaling and music to help people develop better self-awareness and set goals. She's taught this program at such well-known clinics as Betty Ford and Promises. She's the author of the book How to Work Any 12-Step Program.
In her other life, she is the head of Laura's Wholesome Junk Food, making healthy cookies and brownies.
Laura Trice | Speaker | TED.com