ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories.

Why you should listen

Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxSFU

Mandy Len Catron: A better way to talk about love

曼迪·兰·凯特伦: 如何更好地讨论爱情

Filmed:
2,605,858 views

我们坠入了爱河。爱情如潮水般袭来, 而我们爱得不能自拔,痴狂迷醉。我们的热情灼伤了自己。爱情让我们疯癫,让我们患病。我们的心在滴血,然后支离破碎。作家曼迪·兰·凯特伦说,我们以这样的用词方式来讨论爱情,很大程度上塑造了我们对爱情的体验。对任何一位陷入过疯狂热恋的人,这个演讲提供了爱情的另一种比喻,或许能够帮助各位在爱情中获得更多的快乐,减轻自己的痛苦。
- Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
OK, so today今天 I want to talk
about how we talk about love.
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今天, 我想讨论一下
我们谈论爱情的方法。
说得更明确一些,
00:17
And specifically特别,
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就是讨论一下我们
谈论爱情时犯的错误。
00:18
I want to talk about what's wrong错误
with how we talk about love.
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我们大多数人在一生中
00:22
Most of us will probably大概
fall秋季 in love a few少数 times
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会不止一次坠入爱河,
00:26
over the course课程 of our lives生活,
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而在语言中,我们使用“坠入”一词,
00:27
and in the English英语 language语言,
this metaphor隐喻, falling落下,
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很大程度上也形容了恋爱的体验。
00:31
is really the main主要 way that we
talk about that experience经验.
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我不知道你们怎么想的,
00:35
I don't know about you,
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但我脑海中所浮现的画面
00:36
but when I conceptualize概念化 this metaphor隐喻,
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00:38
what I picture图片 is straight直行
out of a cartoon动画片 --
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完全和卡通片一样:
有一个人,
00:42
like there's a man,
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他走在人行道上,
00:43
he's walking步行 down the sidewalk人行道,
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不经意间走过一个井口,
00:45
without realizing实现 it, he crosses十字架
over an open打开 manhole沙井,
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然后“扑通”一声跌进了下水道。
00:48
and he just plummets骤降 into the sewer下水道 below下面.
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我这样想象是因为
“坠入”与“跳入”不同。
00:51
And I picture图片 it this way
because falling落下 is not jumping跳跃.
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“坠入”是意外的,
00:56
Falling落下 is accidental偶然,
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是不可控制的。
00:58
it's uncontrollable不可控.
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它的发生是未经自己允许的。
01:00
It's something that happens发生 to us
without our consent同意.
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01:04
And this --
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而这就是我们讨论
一段新恋情时的描述方式。
01:05
this is the main主要 way we talk
about starting开始 a new relationship关系.
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01:10
I am a writer作家 and I'm also
an English英语 teacher老师,
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我是作家也是英语老师,
这意味着我靠咬文嚼字为生。
01:14
which哪一个 means手段 I think
about words for a living活的.
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01:16
You could say that I get paid支付
to argue争论 that the language语言 we use matters事项,
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你可以说我的工作就是告诉别人
日常用语是很要紧的,
而我想指出的是,
01:20
and I would like to argue争论
that many许多 of the metaphors隐喻 we use
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有很多用来形容爱情的比喻,
01:24
to talk about love --
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甚至可能是大多数,
01:26
maybe even most of them --
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都是有问题的。
01:28
are a problem问题.
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所以说, 我们会“坠入”爱河。
01:30
So, in love, we fall秋季.
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爱情突如其来。
01:33
We're struck来袭.
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我们不能自拔。
01:35
We are crushed.
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01:37
We swoon昏厥.
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我们痴狂迷醉。
01:39
We burn烧伤 with passion.
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我们被热情灼烧。
01:41
Love makes品牌 us crazy,
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爱情使人癫狂,
也使我们患病。
01:43
and it makes品牌 us sick生病.
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我们的心在滴血,
01:45
Our hearts心中 ache疼痛,
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01:47
and then they break打破.
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然后支离破碎。
所以说,这种比喻将恋爱经历
01:50
So our metaphors隐喻 equate等同
the experience经验 of loving爱心 someone有人
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01:53
to extreme极端 violence暴力 or illness疾病.
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等同于极暴力和病态。
(笑声)
01:56
(Laughter笑声)
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01:59
They do.
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事实真是如此。
而这些比喻把我们定位成
02:00
And they position位置 us as the victims受害者
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某种未知、不可避免的事件的受害者。
02:02
of unforeseen意外 and totally完全
unavoidable不免 circumstances情况.
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02:06
My favorite喜爱 one of these is "smitten重拳出击,"
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其中我最喜欢的单词 “smitten”,
是“smite”的过去分词。
02:09
which哪一个 is the past过去 participle分词
of the word "smite."
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02:12
And if you look this word up
in the dictionary字典 --
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如果在词典里查询这个单词……
(笑声)
02:15
(Laughter笑声)
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你会发现它既可译为“惨痛的折磨”,
02:16
you will see that it can be defined定义
as both "grievous惨重 affliction痛苦,"
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又可以译为“被迷得神魂颠倒”。
02:20
and, "to be very much in love."
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02:25
I tend趋向 to associate关联 the word "smite"
with a very particular特定 context上下文,
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这个单词常使我联想到一段特殊文字,
那就是《圣经·旧约》。
02:29
which哪一个 is the Old Testament遗嘱.
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02:31
In the Book of Exodus出埃及记 alone单独,
there are 16 references引用 to smiting重击,
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仅在《出埃及记》中,
就16次提及这个单词,
它被《圣经》用来形容
一位愤怒的神的复仇。
02:36
which哪一个 is the word that the Bible圣经 uses使用
for the vengeance复仇 of an angry愤怒 God.
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02:40
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
02:41
Here we are using运用 the same相同 word
to talk about love
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而如今这个用来形容爱情的词,
02:44
that we use to explain说明
a plague鼠疫 of locusts蝗虫.
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原本是拿来形容蝗灾的。
(笑声)
02:47
(Laughter笑声)
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对吧?
02:48
Right?
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所以为什么会这样?
02:49
So, how did this happen发生?
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我们怎么会将爱情
和伤痛与苦难混为一谈?
02:51
How have we come to associate关联 love
with great pain疼痛 and suffering痛苦?
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还有我们为何会讨论这种美好假象,
02:55
And why do we talk about
this ostensibly表面上 good experience经验
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好像自己是受害者?
02:59
as if we are victims受害者?
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03:02
These are difficult questions问题,
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这些问题很难回答,
但我有一些理论。
03:04
but I have some theories理论.
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若想解释清楚,
03:05
And to think this through通过,
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我想着重谈谈这样一个比喻,
03:07
I want to focus焦点 on one
metaphor隐喻 in particular特定,
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那就是将爱情喻为疯狂。
03:09
which哪一个 is the idea理念 of love as madness疯狂.
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03:13
When I first started开始
researching研究 romantic浪漫 love,
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一开始研究浪漫爱情的时候,
我发现这种比喻无处不在。
03:15
I found发现 these madness疯狂
metaphors隐喻 everywhere到处.
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西方历史文化中,
03:18
The history历史 of Western西 culture文化
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有许多文字将爱情比喻为精神疾病。
03:20
is full充分 of language语言 that equates相当于
love to mental心理 illness疾病.
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03:25
These are just a few少数 examples例子.
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以下是几个例子。
威廉·莎士比亚说过:
03:27
William威廉 Shakespeare莎士比亚:
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“爱情不过是一种疯狂。”
03:28
"Love is merely仅仅 a madness疯狂,"
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出自《皆大欢喜》。
03:30
from "As You Like It."
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03:32
Friedrich弗里德里希 Nietzsche尼采:
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哲学家尼采说过:
“爱情中总是有些疯狂的。”
03:33
"There is always some madness疯狂 in love."
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03:36
"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love -- "
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还有“你的爱,你的爱让我如此痴狂……”
03:39
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
上句出自伟大的“哲学家”,
碧昂斯·诺里斯。
03:41
from the great philosopher哲学家,
Beyonc碧昂斯é Knowles诺尔斯.
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(笑声)
03:44
(Laughter笑声)
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03:47
I fell下跌 in love for the first
time when I was 20,
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我在二十岁的时候经历了初恋,
那是一段自始至终都非常凌乱的恋情。
03:49
and it was a pretty漂亮 turbulent汹涌
relationship关系 right from the start开始.
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03:53
And it was long distance距离
for the first couple一对 of years年份,
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刚开始几年还是长途异地恋,
03:56
so for me that meant意味着 very high highs高位
and very low lows低点.
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所以对我来说意味着
很高的高潮和很低的低谷。
04:01
I can remember记得 one moment时刻 in particular特定.
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我还记得一个特别的瞬间。
04:04
I was sitting坐在 on a bed
in a hostel宿舍 in South America美国,
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当时我在南美,坐在一间旅社的床上,
看着我爱着的人冲出门外。
04:07
and I was watching观看 the person
I love walk步行 out the door.
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04:12
And it was late晚了,
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当时很晚了,
将近午夜,
04:13
it was nearly几乎 midnight午夜,
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我们在晚饭时发生了争吵,
04:15
we'd星期三 gotten得到 into an argument论据 over dinner晚餐,
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当我们回到房间后,
04:17
and when we got back to our room房间,
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他把东西扔到包里,径直冲出了房间。
04:19
he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out.
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04:23
While I can no longer remember记得
what that argument论据 was about,
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我已不记得当时争吵的目的,
但我清楚记得我看着他离开时的感受。
04:26
I very clearly明确地 remember记得
how I felt watching观看 him leave离开.
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04:31
I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing发展 world世界,
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我当时22岁,
第一次来到发展中国家,
04:35
and I was totally完全 alone单独.
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而且我孤身一人。
04:38
I had another另一个 week until直到 my flight飞行 home,
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距离我回家还有一周,
我记得我所在的那个小镇的名字,
04:41
and I knew知道 the name名称
of the town that I was in,
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也记得我要飞离南美的
出发地城市的名字,
04:44
and the name名称 of the city
that I needed需要 to get to to fly out,
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但我并不知道怎么走。
04:47
but I had no idea理念 how to get around.
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04:51
I had no guidebook指南 and very little money,
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我没有向导书也没有多少钱,
而且我不会讲西班牙语。
04:55
and I spoke no Spanish西班牙语.
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04:57
Someone有人 more adventurous爱冒险的 than me
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比我更有冒险精神的人,
可能会把这视为一次很好的锻炼经历,
04:59
might威力 have seen看到 this as
a moment时刻 of opportunity机会,
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但我却不知所措。
05:02
but I just froze冻结.
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05:04
I just satSAT there.
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我就坐在那儿。
05:06
And then I burst爆裂 into tears眼泪.
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然后嚎啕大哭。
05:09
But despite尽管 my panic恐慌,
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但在慌乱中,
我脑海中的一个声音告诉我:
05:11
some small voice语音 in my head thought,
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“天啊,这很戏剧化哦。
05:14
"Wow. That was dramatic戏剧性.
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我一定是把爱情表现的淋漓尽致了。”
05:16
I must必须 really be doing
this love thing right."
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(笑声)
05:19
(Laughter笑声)
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因为我内心深处
是渴望在爱情中受伤的。
05:21
Because some part部分 of me
wanted to feel miserable in love.
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05:26
And it sounds声音 so strange奇怪
to me now, but at 22,
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这对于现在的我说很奇怪,
但对于22岁的我,
05:29
I longed渴望 to have dramatic戏剧性 experiences经验,
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我渴望一次戏剧性的经历,
那个瞬间我很不理性、
很气愤、很绝望,
05:32
and in that moment时刻, I was irrational不合理的
and furious狂怒 and devastated满目疮痍,
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而更奇怪的是,
05:38
and weirdly古怪 enough足够,
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我认为某种程度上,
05:39
I thought that this somehow不知何故
legitimized合法化 the feelings情怀 I had
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它证明了我对离我而去那个人的爱。
05:42
for the guy who had just left me.
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05:46
I think on some level水平 I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy,
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可能在某些时候想疯狂一些,
因为我以为爱情就应该是这样。
05:50
because I thought that
that was how loved喜爱 worked工作.
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05:55
This really should not be surprising奇怪,
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其实这不应该使人惊讶,
因为根据维基百科,
05:56
considering考虑 that according根据 to Wikipedia维基百科,
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有8部电影,
05:59
there are eight films影片,
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14首歌,2张专辑,
06:01
14 songs歌曲,
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06:03
two albums专辑 and one novel小说
with the title标题 "Crazy Love."
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和一本小说都命名为《疯狂爱情》。
06:07
About half an hour小时 later后来,
he came来了 back to our room房间.
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半小时后,他回来了。
我们复合了。
06:10
We made制作 up.
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接下来,在旅行中我们度过了愉快的一周。
06:12
We spent花费 another另一个 mostly大多
happy快乐 week traveling旅行 together一起.
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然后我回到家,
06:15
And then, when I got home,
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我想,“这可真是既糟糕又美好。
06:16
I thought, "That was so
terrible可怕 and so great.
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06:21
This must必须 be a real真实 romance浪漫."
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这一定是真正的爱情吧。”
06:25
I expected预期 my first love
to feel like madness疯狂,
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我期盼着能在初恋中感受到疯狂,
显然,这个期望被很好的满足了。
06:27
and of course课程, it met会见
that expectation期望 very well.
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06:31
But loving爱心 someone有人 like that --
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不过这样爱着一个人,
好像我的全部都取决于他回馈的爱,
06:33
as if my entire整个 well-being福利 depended依赖
on him loving爱心 me back --
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对自己是很不好的,
06:37
was not very good for me
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对他也一样。
06:39
or for him.
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06:41
But I suspect疑似 this experience经验 of love
is not that unusual异常.
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不过我觉得这段爱情经历
并不是非常罕见。
06:46
Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages阶段 of romantic浪漫 love.
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我们大多数人在恋情的早期
都会感受到些许疯狂。
06:50
In fact事实, there is research研究 to confirm确认
that this is somewhat有些 normal正常,
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事实上,研究表明这是正常现象,
06:55
because, neurochemically神经化学 speaking请讲,
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因为, 从神经学角度来说,
恋情和精神疾病并没有特别大的区别。
06:57
romantic浪漫 love and mental心理 illness疾病
are not that easily容易 distinguished杰出的.
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07:03
This is true真正.
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这是真的。
一个1999年的实验通过验血,
07:04
This study研究 from 1999 used blood血液 tests测试
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确认了新情侣的血清素水平
07:08
to confirm确认 that the serotonin血清素
levels水平 of the newly in love
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和另一群人的血清素水平相似,
07:11
very closely密切 resembled相似
the serotonin血清素 levels水平
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那就是强迫症患者。
07:14
of people who had been diagnosed确诊
with obsessive-compulsive强迫 disorder紊乱.
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(笑声)
07:18
(Laughter笑声)
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没错,低水平的血清素
07:19
Yes, and low levels水平 of serotonin血清素
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与季节性情感障碍
07:21
are also associated相关
with seasonal时令的 affective情感 disorder紊乱
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以及抑郁症都有关联。
07:25
and depression萧条.
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07:27
So there is some evidence证据
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由此证明,
心情和行为的变化与爱情是有关的。
07:29
that love is associated相关 with changes变化
to our moods情绪 and our behaviors行为.
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也有其他研究确认
07:34
And there are other studies学习 to confirm确认
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大多数感情是这样开始的。
07:38
that most relationships关系 begin开始 this way.
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07:42
Researchers研究人员 believe
that the low levels水平 of serotonin血清素
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研究者相信,低水平的血清素
代表了对恋爱对象的强迫性回忆,
07:46
is correlated相关 with obsessive强迫症 thinking思维
about the object目的 of love,
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就好像别人在你的脑海中安营扎寨。
07:50
which哪一个 is like this feeling感觉 that someone有人
has set up camp in your brain.
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我们在初恋都有这样的感受。
07:54
And most of us feel this way
when we first fall秋季 in love.
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但幸运的是,这感受不会持续很久,
07:57
But the good news新闻 is,
it doesn't always last that long --
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通常只有几个月到一两年。
08:01
usually平时 from a few少数 months个月
to a couple一对 of years年份.
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08:05
When I got back from my trip
to South America美国,
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当我从南美回来的时候,
我在我的房间里独自待了很久,
08:08
I spent花费 a lot of time alone单独 in my room房间,
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查看我的邮箱,
08:11
checking检查 my email电子邮件,
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非常渴望得到我爱的那个男人的消息。
08:13
desperate殊死 to hear from the guy I loved喜爱.
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08:16
I decided决定 that if my friends朋友 could not
understand理解 my grievous惨重 affliction痛苦,
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我决定:如果我的朋友不理解我的困境,
那我也不需要这些友谊。
08:21
then I did not need their friendship友谊.
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所以我和大多数好友断绝了联系,
08:23
So I stopped停止 hanging out
with most of them.
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08:26
And it was probably大概 the most
unhappy不快乐 year of my life.
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那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。
08:31
But I think I felt like
it was my job工作 to be miserable,
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但我感觉我必须要感受痛苦,
08:35
because if I could be miserable,
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因为通过我的痛苦,
才可以证明我对他的爱。
08:37
then I would prove证明 how much I loved喜爱 him.
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如果我可以证明,
08:40
And if I could prove证明 it,
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那我们终将会在一起。
08:42
then we would have to end结束 up
together一起 eventually终于.
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08:46
This is the real真实 madness疯狂,
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这才是真正的疯狂,
因为并没有明确规定,
08:48
because there is no cosmic宇宙的 rule规则
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受苦受难就一定能得到回报,
08:50
that says that great suffering痛苦
equals等于 great reward奖励,
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08:54
but we talk about love as if this is true真正.
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但在爱情里我们却觉得这是对的。
08:59
Our experiences经验 of love
are both biological生物 and cultural文化.
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我们的爱情体验
既是生理上的,又是文化上的。
09:03
Our biology生物学 tells告诉 us that love is good
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生理通过激发我们大脑的激励反馈,
告诉我们爱情是美好的。
09:06
by activating激活 these reward奖励
circuits电路 in our brain,
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然而在吵架或分手后,
它又告诉我们爱情是痛苦的,
09:09
and it tells告诉 us that love is painful痛苦
when, after a fight斗争 or a breakup分手,
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这时候神经反馈是无效的。
09:14
that neurochemical神经化学 reward奖励 is withdrawn取消.
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09:17
And in fact事实 -- and maybe
you've heard听说 this --
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事实上,你可能听说过,
从神经学的角度来说,
09:19
neurochemically神经化学 speaking请讲,
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经历分手和戒毒过程非常相似,
09:21
going through通过 a breakup分手 is a lot
like going through通过 cocaine可卡因 withdrawal退出,
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09:25
which哪一个 I find reassuring令人欣慰.
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这点我感到很舒心。
(笑声)
09:27
(Laughter笑声)
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09:29
And then our culture文化 uses使用 language语言
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我们的文化利用语言
来塑造与加强对于爱的观念。
09:31
to shape形状 and reinforce加强
these ideas思路 about love.
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现在的情况是,我们将其等同于
09:34
In this case案件, we're talking
about metaphors隐喻 about pain疼痛
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痛苦、癖嗜和痴狂。
09:37
and addiction and madness疯狂.
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09:39
It's kind of an interesting有趣 feedback反馈 loop循环.
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这好像是一个有趣的反馈循环。
爱情很伟大,但有时也让我们痛苦,
09:42
Love is powerful强大 and at times painful痛苦,
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我们用词句和故事来表达这点,
09:45
and we express表现 this
in our words and stories故事,
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09:49
but then our words and stories故事 prime主要 us
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然后这些文字又使得我们
盲目期待爱情就应是伟大而痛苦的。
09:51
to expect期望 love to be powerful强大 and painful痛苦.
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09:55
What's interesting有趣 to me
is that all of this happens发生
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而对我来说有趣的是,
这一切都发生在一个
鼓励终生一夫一妻制的文化里。
09:59
in a culture文化 that values
lifelong终身 monogamy一夫一妻制.
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10:02
It seems似乎 like we want it both ways方法:
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这好像是说我们想两者兼得:
我们既想让爱情疯狂一些,
10:04
we want love to feel like madness疯狂,
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10:07
and we want it to last an entire整个 lifetime一生.
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我们又想让它持续一生。
10:11
That sounds声音 terrible可怕.
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这听起来糟透了。
(笑声)
10:13
(Laughter笑声)
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10:15
To reconcile调和 this,
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要缓解这种情况,
我们要不改变我们的文化,
要不改变我们的期望。
10:17
we need to either change更改 our culture文化
or change更改 our expectations期望.
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10:23
So, imagine想像 if we were all
less passive被动 in love.
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请各位想象一下,
所有人的爱情都没那么被动。
10:27
If we were more assertive断言的,
more open-minded思想开明的, more generous慷慨
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想象我们少一些固执,
心胸变得更宽广、更开放,
我们不再“坠入”爱河,
10:31
and instead代替 of falling落下 in love,
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我们“步入”爱河。
10:35
we stepped加强 into love.
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10:38
I know that this is asking a lot,
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我知道这个要求有点高,
但我并不是第一个提出这点的人。
10:40
but I'm not actually其实
the first person to suggest建议 this.
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10:45
In their book, "Metaphors隐喻 We Live生活 By,"
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在《我们赖以生存的隐喻》一书中,
语言学家马克·约翰逊和乔治·拉克夫
提出了一个非常有趣的方法
10:47
linguists语言学家 Mark标记 Johnson约翰逊 and George乔治 Lakoff拉科夫
suggest建议 a really interesting有趣 solution
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来解决这一矛盾,
10:52
to this dilemma困境,
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10:54
which哪一个 is to change更改 our metaphors隐喻.
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那就是改变我们的比喻。
10:57
They argue争论 that metaphors隐喻 really do shape形状
the way we experience经验 the world世界,
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他们认为,比喻真的可以
左右我们感受世界的方式,
11:03
and that they can even act法案
as a guide指南 for future未来 actions行动,
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而它们甚至可以成为
我们未来行动的指引,
就像是自我实现的预言。
11:06
like self-fulfilling自我实现 prophecies预言.
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11:09
Johnson约翰逊 and Lakoff拉科夫 suggest建议
a new metaphor隐喻 for love:
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约翰逊和拉克夫提出了
爱情的一种新比喻:
11:13
love as a collaborative共同 work of art艺术.
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爱情是一个合作完成的艺术品。
11:16
I really like this way
of thinking思维 about love.
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我很喜欢这种看待爱情的方式。
11:21
Linguists语言学家 talk about metaphors隐喻
as having entailments蕴涵,
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语言学家运用比喻是有很多内涵的,
其实就是说喻体中包含了
11:24
which哪一个 is essentially实质上 a way of considering考虑
all the implications启示 of,
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本体的几乎一切含义与概念。
11:28
or ideas思路 contained
within, a given特定 metaphor隐喻.
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而约翰逊和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了
11:31
And Johnson约翰逊 and Lakoff拉科夫
talk about everything
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合作创作艺术品的所有含义:
11:34
that collaborating合作
on a work of art艺术 entails限嗣继承:
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11:36
effort功夫, compromise妥协,
patience忍耐, shared共享 goals目标.
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努力、妥协、耐心、共同的目标等等。
11:41
These ideas思路 align对齐 nicely很好
with our cultural文化 investment投资
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这些概念与我们在长期恋情中
做出的精神投入很契合,
11:45
in long-term长期 romantic浪漫 commitment承诺,
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但它们同样适用于
其它各种恋爱关系——
11:47
but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships关系 --
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11:52
short-term短期, casual随便, polyamorouspolyamorous,
non-monogamous非一夫一妻制, asexual无性 --
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短期的、随意的恋情,多角恋,
非一夫一妻制,无性恋……
因为这种比喻在恋爱的体验中
11:57
because this metaphor隐喻 brings带来
much more complex复杂 ideas思路
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赋予了更多复杂的概念。
12:01
to the experience经验 of loving爱心 someone有人.
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所以假如爱情是合作完成的艺术品,
12:04
So if love is a collaborative共同 work of art艺术,
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那么爱情就是一种美学体验。
12:09
then love is an aesthetic审美 experience经验.
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12:13
Love is unpredictable不可预料的,
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爱情是无法预测的,
12:16
love is creative创作的,
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爱情是创造性的,
12:18
love requires要求 communication通讯
and discipline学科,
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爱情需要沟通,需要规矩,
爱情是令人沮丧的,
会造成很多精神压力。
12:23
it is frustrating泄气
and emotionally感情上 demanding严格.
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12:26
And love involves涉及 both joy喜悦 and pain疼痛.
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而爱情中既有快乐,也有痛苦。
12:30
Ultimately最终,, each experience经验
of love is different不同.
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而最终,每次爱情经历都是不同的。
当我还年轻的时候,
12:35
When I was younger更年轻,
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我从来没想过我可以
从爱情中寻求更多,
12:37
it never occurred发生 to me that I was allowed允许
to demand需求 more from love,
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或者说我不需要全盘接受
爱情给我提供的感受。
12:42
that I didn't have to just accept接受
whatever随你 love offered提供.
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12:46
When 14-year-old-岁 Juliet朱丽叶 first meets符合 --
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当14岁的朱丽叶第一次见到……
或者说,当14岁的朱丽叶
不能和罗密欧在一起,
12:50
or, when 14-year-old-岁 Juliet朱丽叶
cannot不能 be with Romeo罗密欧,
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她才认识罗密欧四天时间,
12:54
whom she has met会见 four days ago,
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她不觉得失落或痛苦。
12:56
she does not feel disappointed失望 or angstyangsty.
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13:01
Where is she?
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她怎么了?
13:02
She wants to die.
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她想寻死。
13:04
Right?
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对吧?
13:05
And just as a refresher复习,
at this point in the play,
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大家回忆一下,
戏剧演到这里的时候
是五幕中的第三幕,
13:07
act法案 three of five,
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罗密欧并没有死,
13:09
Romeo罗密欧 is not dead.
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13:11
He's alive,
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他还活着,
他很健康,
13:13
he's healthy健康,
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他只是被驱逐出城了。
13:14
he's just been banished放逐 from the city.
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13:17
I understand理解 that 16th-centuryTH-世纪 Verona维罗纳
is unlike不像 contemporary现代的 North America美国,
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我明白16世纪的维罗纳
和当今的北美非常不同,
然而当我第一次读到这部戏剧,
13:23
and yet然而 when I first read this play,
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同样也在14岁,
13:26
also at age年龄 14,
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我觉得能够感受朱丽叶的痛苦。
13:29
Juliet's朱丽叶的 suffering痛苦 made制作 sense to me.
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13:33
Reframing重新定义 love as something
I get to create创建 with someone有人 I admire欣赏,
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把爱情当作一个
与我所爱的人共同创造的东西,
而不是一个不经我控制或同意
13:38
rather than something
that just happens发生 to me
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就发生在我身上的东西,
13:41
without my control控制 or consent同意,
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这想法非常激动人心。
13:43
is empowering授权.
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13:45
It's still hard.
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这依然很难做到。
爱情有时候还是让我
陷入疯狂与痛苦,
13:47
Love still feels感觉 totally完全 maddening发疯
and crushing破碎 some days,
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而当我感到特别沮丧时,
13:52
and when I feel really frustrated受挫,
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我必须提醒自己:
13:55
I have to remind提醒 myself:
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13:56
my job工作 in this relationship关系
is to talk to my partner伙伴
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在这段关系中,
我的任务是与伴侣交流,
沟通我们想共同创造的东西。
14:00
about what I want to make together一起.
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14:03
This isn't easy简单, either.
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其实这也不容易,
14:06
But it's just so much better
than the alternative替代,
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但它已经比另一种方式要好很多了,
14:10
which哪一个 is that thing
that feels感觉 like madness疯狂.
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那就是将爱情当作疯狂的体验。
14:14
This version of love is not about winning胜利
or losing失去 someone's谁家 affection感情.
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这种爱情不是为了
赢取或者失去某人的爱慕,
14:20
Instead代替, it requires要求
that you trust相信 your partner伙伴
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而是需要你相信你的伴侣,
而且当遇到信任危机时冷静交流,
14:24
and talk about things
when trusting信任的 feels感觉 difficult,
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虽说听起来很容易,
14:27
which哪一个 sounds声音 so simple简单,
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但这实际上是
挺革命性、颠覆性的。
14:29
but is actually其实 a kind
of revolutionary革命的, radical激进 act法案.
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14:35
This is because you get to stop
thinking思维 about yourself你自己
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因为你可以不再纠结于自身,
14:39
and what you're gaining取得
or losing失去 in your relationship关系,
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不再纠缠自己在爱情中的得与失,
而开始思考你可以做出什么贡献。
14:42
and you get to start开始 thinking思维
about what you have to offer提供.
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14:46
This version of love
allows允许 us to say things like,
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这种爱情让我们可以这样说:
“嘿,我们之间的合作不是很好。
可能这不适合我们吧。”
14:50
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators合作者.
Maybe this isn't for us."
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14:55
Or, "That relationship关系
was shorter than I had planned计划,
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3861
或者说,“这段爱情
比我预计的要短一些,
但它还是挺美好的吧。”
14:59
but it was still kind of beautiful美丽."
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15:02
The beautiful美丽 thing
about the collaborative共同 work of art艺术
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一个合作完成的艺术品的魅力所在,
就是它不会自己描绘或塑造自己。
15:05
is that it will not paint涂料
or draw or sculpt塑造 itself本身.
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15:09
This version of love allows允许 us
to decide决定 what it looks容貌 like.
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这种爱情让我们主动决定它的美。
谢谢!
15:13
Thank you.
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(鼓掌)
15:14
(Applause掌声)
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Translated by Hancheng Li
Reviewed by Jiawei Ni

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories.

Why you should listen

Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com

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