20:28
TED2014

Andrew Solomon: How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are

安德魯.索羅門: 生命中的難關如何造就我們

Filmed:

作家安德魯.索羅門以撰寫他人的苦難故事為業。現在他講述自己兒時所經歷的掙扎,同時也分享他後來遇見的勇敢人們的故事。在這場真摯感人卻不失幽默的演講中,索羅門呼籲大家應該要付諸行動,為人生最大的挑戰鑄造意義。

- Writer
Andrew Solomon writes about politics, culture and psychology. Full bio

As a student of adversity,
總在逆境中學習的我,
00:12
I've been struck over the years
過去幾年來
00:16
by how some people
看到有些人
00:17
with major challenges
在面對極大的挑戰時
00:19
seem to draw strength from them,
卻能越挫越勇而感到很訝異。
00:21
and I've heard the popular wisdom
我也常聽到有人說
00:24
that that has to do with finding meaning.
這跟找尋意義有關。
00:26
And for a long time,
很久以來,
00:28
I thought the meaning was out there,
我以為「意義」存在著,
00:30
some great truth waiting to be found.
就像某個待人尋找的真相。
00:32
But over time, I've come to feel
但經過一段時間,
00:35
that the truth is irrelevant.
我開始覺得真相並不重要。
00:38
We call it finding meaning,
我們稱之為找尋意義,
00:40
but we might better call it forging meaning.
或許應該說是鑄造意義才對。
00:42
My last book was about how families
我的新書是關於
00:47
manage to deal with various kinds of challenging
家庭如何應對各種挑戰
00:49
or unusual offspring,
或是子女異於常人。
00:52
and one of the mothers I interviewed,
我訪談的其中一位母親,
00:54
who had two children with
multiple severe disabilities,
兩個孩子都有多重嚴重身障,
00:56
said to me, "People always give us
她告訴我:「很多人都會告訴我們
00:59
these little sayings like,
一些俗語像是
01:02
'God doesn't give you any
more than you can handle,'
『上帝絕不會給你超過你能負荷的試煉。』
01:03
but children like ours
但像我們家的孩子,
01:07
are not preordained as a gift.
卻不註定是禮物。
01:09
They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."
他們之所以為禮物,
只因是我們所選擇的。」
01:13
We make those choices all our lives.
我們一生都在做這種決定。
01:18
When I was in second grade,
當我國小二年級時,
01:22
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party
巴比.芬可辦了個慶生會,
01:25
and invited everyone in our class but me.
並邀請全班參加,除了我以外。
01:27
My mother assumed there
had been some sort of error,
我媽以為或許是哪裡弄錯,
01:32
and she called Mrs. Finkel,
所以打給芬可的媽媽。
01:34
who said that Bobby didn't like me
她卻告訴我母親,巴比不喜歡我,
01:36
and didn't want me at his party.
所以不要我參加他的慶生會。
01:38
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo
當天,我媽帶我到動物園,
01:42
and out for a hot fudge sundae.
還買了個熔岩巧克力聖代給我。
01:45
When I was in seventh grade,
我國一時,
01:48
one of the kids on my school bus
校車上有位同學
01:49
nicknamed me "Percy"
替我取了綽號「波西」
01:52
as a shorthand for my demeanor,
來取笑我的言行舉止。
01:54
and sometimes, he and his cohort
有時候,他和同夥
01:56
would chant that provocation
會不斷覆頌這詞。
01:59
the entire school bus ride,
整段來回學校的公車上,
02:02
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back,
45 分鐘上學、45 分鐘放學的路上,
02:03
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"
不斷喊:「波西!波西!波西!」
02:07
When I was in eighth grade,
我國二時,
02:12
our science teacher told us
科學課的老師說
02:14
that all male homosexuals
所有男同性戀
02:16
develop fecal incontinence
都會大便失禁,
02:18
because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.
因為肛門括約肌的損傷。
02:20
And I graduated high school
我高中畢業以前
02:25
without ever going to the cafeteria,
從沒去過學校餐廳,
02:26
where I would have sat with the girls
因為如果去了,
我也會跟女生坐在一起,
02:29
and been laughed at for doing so,
然後因此被取笑;
02:31
or sat with the boys
或是與男生坐一起,
02:33
and been laughed at for being a boy
然後被取笑
02:35
who should be sitting with the girls.
我是個該跟女生坐一塊的男孩子。
02:37
I survived that childhood through a mix
我之所以安然度過童年,
02:39
of avoidance and endurance.
都是透過逃避跟忍受。
02:42
What I didn't know then,
我當時並不知道,
02:45
and do know now,
而現在已經知道的是,
02:47
is that avoidance and endurance
逃避和忍受
02:49
can be the entryway to forging meaning.
會是鑄造意義的起點。
02:51
After you've forged meaning,
在你鑄造意義之後,
02:56
you need to incorporate that meaning
需要將這意義
02:58
into a new identity.
融入到新的身分中。
03:00
You need to take the traumas and make them part
你需要讓經歷過的創傷
03:02
of who you've come to be,
成為自己的一部分,
03:06
and you need to fold the worst events of your life
並將人生中經歷過的最糟事件
03:08
into a narrative of triumph,
化為勝利的故事,
03:11
evincing a better self
成為更好的自己,
03:13
in response to things that hurt.
以回應那些曾傷害你的事。
03:15
One of the other mothers I interviewed
我寫書時所訪談過的
03:18
when I was working on my book
其中一位母親
03:20
had been raped as an adolescent,
在青少年時期曾被強暴,
03:22
and had a child following that rape,
還因此懷孕生子,
03:25
which had thrown away her career plans
讓她必須從此拋棄原有的事業計劃,
03:28
and damaged all of her emotional relationships.
且重創了她所有的感情關係。
03:31
But when I met her, she was 50,
當我認識她時,她 50 歲,
03:35
and I said to her,
我告訴她:
03:38
"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"
「妳會時常想起強暴妳的那個人嗎?」
03:39
And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,
她回答:「我以前想到他會滿腔怒火,
03:42
but now only with pity."
但現在只會可憐他。」
03:46
And I thought she meant pity because he was
我本想,她說的可憐是覺得
03:48
so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.
強暴犯野蠻到會做出這種事。
03:51
And I said, "Pity?"
我問:「可憐?」
03:54
And she said, "Yes,
她說:「是啊,
03:56
because he has a beautiful daughter
因為他有這麼漂亮的女兒,
03:57
and two beautiful grandchildren
以及兩位可愛的小孫子,
04:00
and he doesn't know that, and I do.
卻一點都不知道,而我知道。
04:02
So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."
所以我其實才是幸運的那一個。」
04:06
Some of our struggles are things we're born to:
我們面臨到的有些掙扎是天生的:
04:12
our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.
性別、性向、種族、殘疾。
04:15
And some are things that happen to us:
有些則是後天的:
04:21
being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,
政治犯、性侵被害者、
04:23
being a Katrina survivor.
卡崔娜颶風生還者。
04:27
Identity involves entering a community
建立身分需要進到一個社群,
04:29
to draw strength from that community,
從那社群中找尋力量,
04:32
and to give strength there too.
並給予社群力量。
04:35
It involves substituting "and" for "but" --
需要用「而且」代替「但是」,
04:37
not "I am here but I have cancer,"
不要說:「我還活著,但我患有癌症。」
04:42
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."
而是說:「我患有癌症,而我還活著。」
04:46
When we're ashamed,
當我們羞愧的時候,
04:51
we can't tell our stories,
我們就無法述說自己的故事,
04:53
and stories are the foundation of identity.
而這些故事正是身分的基礎。
04:55
Forge meaning, build identity,
鑄造意義、建立身分;
05:00
forge meaning and build identity.
鑄造意義、建立身分。
05:04
That became my mantra.
這變成了我的咒語。
05:07
Forging meaning is about changing yourself.
鑄造意義是關於改變自己;
05:10
Building identity is about changing the world.
建立身分是關於改變世界。
05:13
All of us with stigmatized identities
身分被汙名化的所有人
05:17
face this question daily:
每天都面對這個問題:
05:19
how much to accommodate society
為了融入社會
05:21
by constraining ourselves,
要限制自己多少?
05:24
and how much to break the limits
要打破多少限制
05:26
of what constitutes a valid life?
才能活出一個真正的人生?
05:29
Forging meaning and building identity
鑄造意義和建立身分
05:32
does not make what was wrong right.
並不會顛倒是非,
05:35
It only makes what was wrong precious.
只會讓錯變得更寶貴。
05:38
In January of this year,
今年一月
05:43
I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,
我到緬甸訪問政治犯。
05:45
and I was surprised to find them less bitter
我感到意外的是,
05:49
than I'd anticipated.
他們比我想像中的還怡然自得。
05:52
Most of them had knowingly committed
大部分的政治犯
明知道他們所犯下的罪
05:53
the offenses that landed them in prison,
會讓他們進監獄,
05:55
and they had walked in with their heads held high,
但仍昂首地走進獄中,
05:58
and they walked out with their heads
多年後同樣
06:01
still held high, many years later.
昂首地走出來。
06:03
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist
馬蒂妲醫生是人權積極分子,
06:07
who had nearly died in prison
她差點死在監獄中,
06:10
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,
且有好幾年都在單獨監禁中度過。
06:12
told me she was grateful to her jailers
她告訴我,她很感激那些獄吏
06:15
for the time she had had to think,
讓她有時間思考、
06:19
for the wisdom she had gained,
讓她更有智慧、
06:21
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.
讓她有機會增進冥想技巧。
06:23
She had sought meaning
她也尋求這其中的意義,
06:27
and made her travail into a crucial identity.
並將痛苦轉為很重要的一種身分。
06:29
But if the people I met
但如果我遇見的這些人
06:33
were less bitter than I'd anticipated
對於身在監獄
06:35
about being in prison,
比我想像中的更加泰然,
06:37
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected
那他們也比我預料中的更不期待
06:38
about the reform process going on
他們國家所經歷的改革過程。
06:41
in their country.
馬蒂妲說:
06:43
Ma Thida said,
「我們緬甸人很著名的是
06:45
"We Burmese are noted
面對壓力時所展現的無比優雅,
06:47
for our tremendous grace under pressure,
但在我們的光環底下也有委屈。」
06:48
but we also have grievance under glamour,"
她說:「而事實是,
06:52
she said, "and the fact that there have been
這些轉換和改變
06:56
these shifts and changes
並不會消弭我們社會中
06:58
doesn't erase the continuing problems
一直存在的問題,
07:00
in our society
我們在監獄中的時候,
07:02
that we learned to see so well
把這些問題都看清了。」
07:04
while we were in prison."
我認為她的意思是
07:06
And I understood her to be saying
在人性需要真正能顯現的地方,
07:08
that concessions confer only a little humanity,
妥協只賦予一丁點人性,
07:10
where full humanity is due,
就像給人麵包屑,
07:14
that crumbs are not the same
不等於可以坐上桌一樣。
07:16
as a place at the table,
也就是說,你可以鑄造意義
07:18
which is to say you can forge meaning
並建立身分,
07:20
and build identity and still be mad as hell.
同時還是滿腔怒火。
07:23
I've never been raped,
我沒有被強暴過,
07:29
and I've never been in anything
remotely approaching
也從來沒有做過任何
07:31
a Burmese prison,
會被關進緬甸監獄的事。
07:34
but as a gay American,
但身為同性戀的美國人,
07:36
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,
我經歷過偏見甚至仇恨,
07:37
and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,
我鑄造過意義也建立過身分,
07:42
which is a move I learned from people
這是我從那些
07:46
who had experienced far worse privation
比我經歷過更糟糕處境的人身上
學到的對策。
07:48
than I've ever known.
我自己的青少年時期,
07:51
In my own adolescence,
也曾為了改變性向而做出極端之舉。
07:53
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.
我參與了一種
07:55
I enrolled myself in something called
性向替代療法。
07:59
sexual surrogacy therapy,
裡面有所謂的醫生,
08:01
in which people I was encouraged to call doctors
需要做所謂的療法,
08:03
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises
對象是所謂的女性代理人,
08:07
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,
這些代理人不算妓女,
08:10
who were not exactly prostitutes
但也不算是其他別的。
08:14
but who were also not exactly anything else.
(笑聲)
08:17
(Laughter)
我最喜歡的代理人
08:20
My particular favorite
是一位來自南方腹地的金髮女人,
08:24
was a blonde woman from the Deep South
後來終於跟我承認
08:26
who eventually admitted to me
她有戀屍癖,
08:28
that she was really a necrophiliac
她之所以會做這份工作,
08:30
and had taken this job after she got in trouble
是因為她在停屍間遇到了點麻煩。
08:32
down at the morgue.
(笑聲)
08:35
(Laughter)
這種經驗終究讓我
08:37
These experiences eventually allowed me to have
跟女性有種蠻愉悅的肢體關係,
08:43
some happy physical relationships with women,
對此我很感激,
08:46
for which I'm grateful,
但我陷入與自己的戰爭中,
08:49
but I was at war with myself,
也在我心底埋下很深的創傷。
08:50
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.
我們並不找尋
08:53
We don't seek the painful experiences
會鑿開身分的痛苦經驗,
08:58
that hew our identities,
但我們尋找的身分
09:01
but we seek our identities
是尾隨痛苦經驗而來的。
09:04
in the wake of painful experiences.
我們無法承受無意義的折磨,
09:06
We cannot bear a pointless torment,
但我們可以忍受極大的痛苦,
09:09
but we can endure great pain
只要我們相信這是有意義的。
09:12
if we believe that it's purposeful.
泰然在我們身上留下的印記
09:14
Ease makes less of an impression on us
比掙扎更淺。
09:18
than struggle.
沒有喜樂我們還是可以做自己,
09:20
We could have been ourselves without our delights,
但沒了驅使我們
09:21
but not without the misfortunes
找尋意義的厄運那就做不到。
09:24
that drive our search for meaning.
「因此,我以軟弱為歡喜,」
09:26
"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"
聖保羅在哥林多後書裡寫道,
09:29
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,
「因為當我軟弱時,我就能變得剛強。」
09:33
"for when I am weak, then I am strong."
1988 年,我去了莫斯科
09:35
In 1988, I went to Moscow
訪問蘇聯地鐵的藝術家,
09:39
to interview artists of the Soviet underground,
我期望他們的作品是
09:42
and I expected their work to be
充滿異議及政治的。
09:46
dissident and political.
但他們作品中的激進
09:47
But the radicalism in their work actually lay
其實是為了將人性重放回社會中,
09:50
in reinserting humanity into a society
因為這個社會正在泯滅人性,
09:53
that was annihilating humanity itself,
某些方面看來,
09:56
as, in some senses, Russian society
這樣的事在俄羅斯社會正在重演。
09:58
is now doing again.
其中一位藝術家告訴我:
10:01
One of the artists I met said to me,
「我們被訓練做天使,而非藝術家」。
10:03
"We were in training to be not artists but angels."
1991 年,我又回去
10:05
In 1991, I went back to see the artists
見了這些我筆下的藝術家,
10:10
I'd been writing about,
當推翻蘇聯的政變發生時,
10:13
and I was with them during the putsch
我正與他們在一起,
10:14
that ended the Soviet Union,
他們也與推動政變的主要發起人一起。
10:16
and they were among the chief organizers
政變第三天,
10:18
of the resistance to that putsch.
有人建議我們走到斯摩棱斯克。
10:21
And on the third day of the putsch,
我們到那時,
10:24
one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.
在路障前面找個位置待著。
10:27
And we went there,
一會兒過後,
10:30
and we arranged ourselves in
front of one of the barricades,
一排坦克車過來,
10:31
and a little while later,
第一輛坦克車上的士兵說:
10:35
a column of tanks rolled up,
「我們有令,
10:36
and the soldier on the front tank said,
不論如何都要破壞這些柵欄。
10:39
"We have unconditional orders
如果你們現在讓開,
10:41
to destroy this barricade.
那我們就不會傷害你們。
10:43
If you get out of the way,
但如果你們不走,
10:44
we don't need to hurt you,
我們只能將你們輾過去,別無他擇。」
10:46
but if you won't move, we'll have no choice
我身邊的藝術家就說:
10:48
but to run you down."
「給我們一分鐘,
10:50
And the artists I was with said,
就一分鐘,述說我們來此的原因。」
10:51
"Give us just a minute.
那位士兵雙手在胸前交叉,
10:53
Give us just a minute to tell you why we're here."
然後藝術家唸了傑佛遜的民主頌詞,
10:54
And the soldier folded his arms,
我們這些
10:59
and the artist launched into a
Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy
住在傑佛遜式民主國家的人
11:01
such as those of us who live
都還唸不出來的頌詞。
11:05
in a Jeffersonian democracy
他們一直說下去,
11:07
would be hard-pressed to present.
而士兵也看著,
11:09
And they went on and on,
他聽完後,
11:13
and the soldier watched,
在那裡坐滿一分鐘,
11:14
and then he sat there for a full minute
就在雨中看著滿是泥濘的我們,
11:16
after they were finished
說道:
11:18
and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain,
「你們說的是事實,
11:20
and said, "What you have said is true,
而我們必須遵從人民的意志。
11:22
and we must bow to the will of the people.
如果你們願意讓路讓我們掉頭,
11:26
If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,
那我們會照原路回去。」
11:30
we'll go back the way we came."
他們也確實這麼做了。
11:32
And that's what they did.
有時候,鑄造意義
11:35
Sometimes, forging meaning
可以給你所需的詞彙,
11:37
can give you the vocabulary you need
讓你爭取最終的自由。
11:39
to fight for your ultimate freedom.
俄羅斯讓我想到檸檬汁的概念,
11:42
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion
壓榨只會助長反對勢力,
11:45
that oppression breeds the power to oppose it,
而我漸漸了解
11:48
and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone
這就是身分的基石。
11:51
of identity.
身分將我從悲傷中拯救出來。
11:54
It took identity to rescue me from sadness.
在同志權運動所設想的世界裡,
11:55
The gay rights movement posits a world
我的缺陷是種勝利。
12:00
in which my aberrances are a victory.
身分政治總有兩個目標:
12:02
Identity politics always works on two fronts:
讓有特殊情況或特徵的人自豪,
12:05
to give pride to people who have a given condition
以及讓外面的世界
12:09
or characteristic,
以更溫和的方式善待那些人。
12:12
and to cause the outside world
這是兩種很不同的目標,
12:13
to treat such people more gently and more kindly.
但不管是哪一邊的進展,
12:15
Those are two totally separate enterprises,
都能在另一邊得到回響。
12:18
but progress in each sphere
身分政治也可以是很自戀的。
12:22
reverberates in the other.
人們吹捧與眾不同,
只因為他們就是如此。
12:24
Identity politics can be narcissistic.
人們窄化個別群體的世界及功能,
12:26
People extol a difference only because it's theirs.
對他人沒有同理心。
12:30
People narrow the world and function
但只要充分理解
12:33
in discrete groups without empathy for one another.
並聰明執行,
12:36
But properly understood
身分政治應該可以
12:39
and wisely practiced,
擴展我們對於人性的想法。
12:41
identity politics should expand
身分本身
12:43
our idea of what it is to be human.
不應該是沾沾自喜的標籤,
12:45
Identity itself
也不該是金牌,
12:48
should be not a smug label
而是革命。
12:49
or a gold medal
如果我是異性戀,那我的生活會輕鬆些,
12:52
but a revolution.
但那就不會是我了。
12:54
I would have had an easier life if I were straight,
現在,我更喜歡做自己,
12:56
but I would not be me,
而非成為其他人的想法,
13:00
and I now like being myself better
老實說那樣的人,
13:02
than the idea of being someone else,
我不只根本當不成,
13:04
someone who, to be honest,
也無法想像他們的生活。
13:07
I have neither the option of being
但如果你驅除惡龍,
13:08
nor the ability fully to imagine.
你也驅逐了英雄,
13:10
But if you banish the dragons,
我們也會變得依賴
13:13
you banish the heroes,
自己生命中英雄特質。
13:15
and we become attached
我有時候會想
13:17
to the heroic strain in our own lives.
我有沒有辦法停止憎恨那部分的自己,
13:19
I've sometimes wondered
不需藉由同志自豪日的豔麗慶典,
13:22
whether I could have ceased
to hate that part of myself
而這場演講就是其中一種表現方式。
13:23
without gay pride's technicolor fiesta,
我之前認為自己真正成長的時候,
13:26
of which this speech is one manifestation.
就是我能不多強調
自己同志身分地當同志,
13:29
I used to think I would know myself to be mature
但那時期的自我厭惡
13:33
when I could simply be gay without emphasis,
留下了一塊空白,
13:36
but the self-loathing of that period left a void,
需要歡樂的事來填滿它,
13:39
and celebration needs to fill and overflow it,
但即使我還清自己的悲傷債,
13:43
and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy,
外面還是有恐懼同志的世界,
13:47
there's still an outer world of homophobia
這需要幾十年的時間解決。
13:50
that it will take decades to address.
有一天,
13:53
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,
當同性戀只會是個簡單的事實,
13:56
free of party hats and blame,
沒有區分與指責。
13:59
but not yet.
但這天還沒到。
14:02
A friend of mine who thought gay pride
我有個朋友覺得
14:04
was getting very carried away with itself,
同志自豪日好像辦得越來越過火,
14:06
once suggested that we organize
然後建議我們舉辦
14:08
Gay Humility Week.
同志謙遜週。
14:10
(Laughter) (Applause)
(笑聲)(掌聲)
14:12
It's a great idea,
這想法很好,
14:18
but its time has not yet come.
但時候未到。
14:21
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
14:23
And neutrality, which seems to lie
還有中立性,
14:25
halfway between despair and celebration,
看似就位在絕望與慶祝中間,
14:27
is actually the endgame.
其實就是終局。
14:30
In 29 states in the U.S.,
在美國的 29 州裡,
14:33
I could legally be fired or denied housing
我可以被合法開除或拒絕居住,
14:36
for being gay.
就因為我是同性戀。
14:39
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law
在俄羅斯,反宣傳法
14:41
has led to people being beaten in the streets.
導致有人在街頭被打死。
14:44
Twenty-seven African countries
27 個非洲國家
14:47
have passed laws against sodomy,
通過了禁止肛交的法律。
14:49
and in Nigeria, gay people can legally
而在奈及利亞,
14:52
be stoned to death,
同志可以合法地被投石致死,
14:54
and lynchings have become common.
私刑也越來越常見。
14:55
In Saudi Arabia recently, two men
最近在沙烏地阿拉伯,
14:58
who had been caught in carnal acts,
兩名男子發生性行為被抓個正著,
15:01
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,
因此各被判七千下鞭刑,
15:03
and are now permanently disabled as a result.
導致他們現在終身殘廢。
15:08
So who can forge meaning
所以誰可以鑄造意義,
15:11
and build identity?
並建立身分?
15:13
Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights,
同志權不只有婚姻權,
15:16
and for the millions who live in unaccepting places
對於在其他不接受同性戀國家的上百萬人,
15:19
with no resources,
他們沒有資源,
15:22
dignity remains elusive.
也毫無尊嚴。
15:24
I am lucky to have forged meaning
我很幸運可以鑄造意義
15:27
and built identity,
並建立身分,
15:30
but that's still a rare privilege,
但這是很罕見的特權,
15:32
and gay people deserve more collectively
同性戀值得更多的公平正義,
15:34
than the crumbs of justice.
而不是那一丁點。
15:37
And yet, every step forward
但是這過程的每一步
15:40
is so sweet.
都很甜蜜。
15:43
In 2007, six years after we met,
2007 年,我們相識六年後,
15:45
my partner and I decided
我的伴侶和我
15:49
to get married.
決定結婚。
15:51
Meeting John had been the discovery
認識約翰,我找到了
15:53
of great happiness
幸福喜樂,
15:55
and also the elimination of great unhappiness,
也消除了很多過去的不幸福。
15:57
and sometimes, I was so occupied
有時候我腦子甚至會一直想著
16:00
with the disappearance of all that pain
那些痛苦的消失,
16:03
that I forgot about the joy,
而忘記那些喜樂,
16:05
which was at first the less
remarkable part of it to me.
因為那起初對我來說
並沒有那麼有印象。
16:07
Marrying was a way to declare our love
結婚是種宣誓我們愛的方式,
16:11
as more a presence than an absence.
是證明其存在而非不存在。
16:14
Marriage soon led us to children,
婚姻很也快地帶來小孩子,
16:18
and that meant new meanings
這也就表示新的意義
16:20
and new identities, ours and theirs.
與新的身分,我們和他們的身分。
16:22
I want my children to be happy,
我要我的孩子快快樂樂,
16:26
and I love them most achingly when they are sad.
他們難過時,
我對他們的愛也感受得到痛。
16:29
As a gay father, I can teach them
身為同性戀父親,我可以教他們
16:33
to own what is wrong in their lives,
面對人生中出錯的部分,
16:36
but I believe that if I succeed
但我相信,如果我成功地
16:38
in sheltering them from adversity,
保護他們免受逆境之苦,
16:40
I will have failed as a parent.
那我反而是個失敗的父親。
16:42
A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me
我認識的一位佛教學者告訴我,
16:45
that Westerners mistakenly think
西方人錯誤地認為
16:48
that nirvana is what arrives
極樂世界只會在
16:50
when all your woe is behind you
你所有的悲傷都被拋在腦後時出現,
16:53
and you have only bliss to look forward to.
所以你只要期盼喜樂就好。
16:55
But he said that would not be nirvana,
但他說那樣就不是極樂世界了,
16:59
because your bliss in the present
因為你當下的喜樂
17:01
would always be shadowed by the joy from the past.
總會被過去喜樂的陰影所蒙蔽。
17:02
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at
他說,極樂世界是
17:06
when you have only bliss to look forward to
當你以找尋喜樂為目標,
17:09
and find in what looked like sorrows
且從看似悲傷的情況中
17:11
the seedlings of your joy.
找到喜樂的種子。
17:14
And I sometimes wonder
我有時候會想
17:17
whether I could have found such fulfillment
我能否在婚姻與兒女中找到滿足,
17:19
in marriage and children
如果他們能來得更加簡單,
17:21
if they'd come more readily,
如果我年輕時變成異性戀,
17:22
if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now,
或是現在還年輕,
17:24
in either of which cases this might be easier.
不管哪種情況,會不會變得更容易。
17:28
Perhaps I could.
或許會吧。
17:32
Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done
或許我所想像的那些複雜內容
17:33
could have been applied to other topics.
可以適用在其他話題上。
17:36
But if seeking meaning
但如果尋求意義
17:38
matters more than finding meaning,
比找尋意義重要,
17:40
the question is not whether I'd be happier
那問題不會是
17:41
for having been bullied,
我被欺負時會不會快樂一點,
17:45
but whether assigning meaning
而是賦予意義
17:46
to those experiences
給那些經驗
17:48
has made me a better father.
能不能讓我成為更好的父親。
17:50
I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys,
我常在平凡的喜樂中
找到令人狂喜的事,
17:52
because I did not expect those joys
因為我並沒有想到那些喜樂
17:56
to be ordinary to me.
對我來說是平凡的。
17:58
I know many heterosexuals who have
我知道很多異性戀的人
18:01
equally happy marriages and families,
有很快樂的婚姻與家庭,
18:02
but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh,
但同性戀婚姻有如一股清流,
18:05
and gay families so exhilaratingly new,
同性戀家庭也很新穎,
18:08
and I found meaning in that surprise.
在這樣的驚喜中,我也找到意義。
18:11
In October, it was my 50th birthday,
我十月時度過 50 歲生日,
18:15
and my family organized a party for me,
家人替我辦了慶生會。
18:19
and in the middle of it,
到一半的時候,
18:22
my son said to my husband
我兒子告訴我丈夫,
18:23
that he wanted to make a speech,
他想要發表演講,
18:25
and John said,
約翰告訴他:
18:26
"George, you can't make a speech. You're four."
「喬治,你不會演講啦,你才四歲。」
18:27
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
18:32
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I
「只有爺爺、大衛叔叔和我
18:34
are going to make speeches tonight."
今晚可以演講。」
18:36
But George insisted and insisted,
但喬治不斷堅持,
18:38
and finally, John took him up to the microphone,
約翰才終於把麥克風交給他,
18:41
and George said very loudly,
然後喬治很大聲地說:
18:44
"Ladies and gentlemen,
「各位先生女士,
18:47
may I have your attention please."
請大家注意我這邊。」
18:49
And everyone turned around, startled.
大家嚇了一跳,轉頭看他。
18:52
And George said,
然後喬治說:
18:55
"I'm glad it's Daddy's birthday.
「我很高興今天是爸爸生日。
18:57
I'm glad we all get cake.
我很高興大家都有蛋糕。
18:59
And daddy, if you were little,
爸爸,如果你現在還是小朋友,
19:02
I'd be your friend."
那我願意當你的朋友。」
19:06
And I thought — Thank you.
我想──謝謝。
19:09
I thought that I was indebted
我想我也要感謝
19:12
even to Bobby Finkel,
巴比.芬可,
19:15
because all those earlier experiences
因為過去的那些經驗
19:16
were what had propelled me to this moment,
才讓我有現在這一刻,
19:19
and I was finally unconditionally grateful
我終於能夠無條件地感激現在的生活,
19:22
for a life I'd once have done anything to change.
這個我曾經願意不顧一切改變的人生。
19:24
The gay activist Harvey Milk
同性戀積極分子哈維.米爾克
19:28
was once asked by a younger gay man
曾經被年輕的同性戀男子問,
19:30
what he could do to help the movement,
他能做什麼幫忙同性戀活動。
19:32
and Harvey Milk said,
哈維.米爾克回答:
19:35
"Go out and tell someone."
「走出去告訴別人吧。」
19:36
There's always somebody who wants to confiscate
總是會有人
19:38
our humanity,
想要奪走我們的人性,
19:41
and there are always stories that restore it.
但也總是有重建人性的故事。
19:43
If we live out loud,
如果我們活得精彩,
19:45
we can trounce the hatred
我們就能擊敗怨恨
19:47
and expand everyone's lives.
並充實每個人的生活。
19:49
Forge meaning. Build identity.
鑄造意義;建立身分。
19:52
Forge meaning.
鑄造意義;
19:56
Build identity.
建立身分。
19:58
And then invite the world
然後邀請全世界
20:01
to share your joy.
來分享你的喜悅。
20:02
Thank you.
謝謝。
20:04
(Applause)
(掌聲)
20:07
Thank you. (Applause)
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:09
Thank you. (Applause)
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:12
Thank you. (Applause)
謝謝。(掌聲)
20:16
Translated by Adrienne Lin
Reviewed by Marssi Draw

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About the Speaker:

Andrew Solomon - Writer
Andrew Solomon writes about politics, culture and psychology.

Why you should listen

Andrew Solomon is a writer, lecturer and Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University. He is president of PEN American Center. He writes regularly for The New Yorker and the New York Times.

Solomon's newest book, Far and Away: Reporting from the Brink of Change, Seven Continents, Twenty-Five Years was published in April, 2016. His previous book, Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity won the National Book Critics Circle award for nonfiction, the Wellcome Prize and 22 other national awards. It tells the stories of parents who not only learn to deal with their exceptional children but also find profound meaning in doing so. It was a New York Times bestseller in both hardcover and paperback editions. Solomon's previous book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, won the 2001 National Book Award for Nonfiction, was a finalist for the 2002 Pulitzer Prize and was included in The Times of London's list of one hundred best books of the decade. It has been published in twenty-four languages. Solomon is also the author of the novel A Stone Boat and of The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost.

Solomon is an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, education and the arts. He is a member of the boards of directors of the National LGBTQ Force and Trans Youth Family Allies. He is a member of the Board of Visitors of Columbia University Medical Center, serves on the National Advisory Board of the Depression Center at the University of Michigan, is a director of Columbia Psychiatry and is a member of the Advisory Board of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Solomon also serves on the boards of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Yaddo and The Alex Fund, which supports the education of Romani children. He is also a fellow of Berkeley College at Yale University and a member of the New York Institute for the Humanities and the Council on Foreign Relations.

Solomon lives with his husband and son in New York and London and is a dual national. He also has a daughter with a college friend; mother and daughter live in Texas but visit often.


More profile about the speaker
Andrew Solomon | Speaker | TED.com