TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: Besværet med at forsøge at afmelde sig
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Det sker for os alle: Du afmelder uønskede marketing-mails, og få dage senere lander endnu en besked fra den samme virksomhed i din indbakke.
Komikeren James Veitch vendte sin frustration til en leg, da et lokalt supermarked nægtede at acceptere et nej. Latter kan forekomme.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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Det er sjovt, så meget man glemmer.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Jeg besøgte min mor den anden dag,
og hun fortalte mig en historie,
og hun fortalte mig en historie,
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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som jeg havde glemt fuldstændigt,
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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om hvordan, når vi var ude at køre sammen,
og hun havde parkeret bilen,
og hun havde parkeret bilen,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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så snart hun steg ud,
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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før hun kunne nå rundt
om bilen for at lukke mig ud,
om bilen for at lukke mig ud,
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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var jeg allerede ude,
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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og lod som om jeg var død.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:37
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Fordi det er sådan man dør.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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Jeg kan huske, det var en leg,
jeg plejede, at lege med mig selv
jeg plejede, at lege med mig selv
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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for at underholde mig selv,
når jeg kedede mig eller var frustreret.
når jeg kedede mig eller var frustreret.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:00
Settle down.
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Grin I bare.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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Det siges, at vi lever i en tid
med overflod af informationer
med overflod af informationer
01:06
I don't know about that,
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Det ved jeg intet om,
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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men jeg ved bare, at jeg får
for mange marketing-mails
for mange marketing-mails
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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Jeg fik en marketing-mail
fra en supermarkedskæde,
fra en supermarkedskæde,
01:13
which will remain nameless
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som vil forblive anonym
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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af hovedsageligt juridiske årsager,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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men som jeg her vil kalde "Safemart".
01:19
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Jeg fik en mail fra dem,
hvor de skrev:
hvor de skrev:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Safemart ved King's Cross
åbner om bare tre uger!!!"
åbner om bare tre uger!!!"
01:28
And I resented this,
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Jeg blev vred over det,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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ikke blot fordi jeg ikke kunne huske,
at have accepteret at modtage deres mails,
at have accepteret at modtage deres mails,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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men jeg blev vred over,
at de kunne tro,
at de kunne tro,
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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at jeg ville være begejstret for
en butiksåbning.
en butiksåbning.
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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Så det jeg gjorde, var at
gå ned i bunden af mailen
gå ned i bunden af mailen
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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og trykkede "Afmeld".
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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Og jeg tænkte, at det var dét.
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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Men en uge senere fik jeg
en ny mail:
en ny mail:
01:50
"Just two weeks
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"Bare to uger til
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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at Safemart ved Kings Cross åbner!!!"
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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Og jeg tænkte, at jeg nok
ikke havde klikket hårdt nok.
ikke havde klikket hårdt nok.
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Så jeg prøvede igen.
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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Minsandten - en uge senere -
I har gættet det:
I har gættet det:
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Safemart ved King's Cross åbner
om bare én uge!!!"
om bare én uge!!!"
02:06
And here's the problem:
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Problemet er:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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Internettet har givet os
adgang til alt,
adgang til alt,
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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men det har også givet alt
adgang til os.
adgang til os.
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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Det er allerede svært
at skelne
at skelne
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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mellem det, der virkelig betyder
noget i verden
noget i verden
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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og hvad der er bagateller,
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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uden at modtage mails
fra supermarkedskæder
fra supermarkedskæder
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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og Candy Crush Saga.
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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Jeg var virkelig irriteret på dem
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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og tænkte, okay, jeg var ved at skrive
en vred mail,
en vred mail,
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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som jeg kan gøre
ret godt.
ret godt.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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Og så tænkte jeg, nej --
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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Jeg er med på legen.
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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Så jeg svarede og sagde:
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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"Jeg kan virkelig ikke vente!!!!"
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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"Hvad har I brug for fra mig?"
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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De svarede tilbage.
Dan sagde:
Dan sagde:
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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"Hej James. En kollega har hjulpet
mig med din forespørgsel."
mig med din forespørgsel."
02:56
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:57
Like it needs help.
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Som om der er brug for hjælp.
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Jeg svarede, "Hvad er planen, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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Jeg tænker fyrværkeri, hoppeborg ..."
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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"Hvad mener du?
03:09
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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Jeg svarede: "Jeg er bare så
begejstret for åbningen!"
begejstret for åbningen!"
03:14
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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"Bestiller du hoppeborgen,
eller skal jeg?"
eller skal jeg?"
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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Han svarede, "Du må have misforstået."
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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"Der bliver åbnet en ny butik,
men vi fejrer det ikke."
men vi fejrer det ikke."
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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Jeg svarede, "Men hvad var meningen
med alle de mails så?
med alle de mails så?
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Jeg blev spændt."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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"Jeg er ked af, du er skuffet."
03:41
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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Jeg svarede, "Ingen årsag.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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Lad os holde noget alligevel!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Desuden kan depositummet på
hoppeborgen ikke refunderes."
hoppeborgen ikke refunderes."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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"Bruger vi den ikke, vil et
par tusinde være spildt, Dan"
par tusinde være spildt, Dan"
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Han svarede, "Mr. Veitch, jeg er ikke
ansvarlig for noget, du har bestilt."
ansvarlig for noget, du har bestilt."
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Jeg svarede, "Lad os ikke hænge os i,
hvem der har gjort hvad.
hvem der har gjort hvad.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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Dybest set: Vi er sammen
om det her."
om det her."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:19
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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"Spørgsmål: Vil du være der til
at sørge for, at folk tager skoene af?"
at sørge for, at folk tager skoene af?"
04:26
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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Jeg vil være ærlig og sige, at mit
og Dans forhold blev forværret,
og Dans forhold blev forværret,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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for den næste mail, jeg fik var:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer er ..."
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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Jeg blev frustreret.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Jeg svarede, "Dan?"
04:44
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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Og jeg fik - og jeg var - det er,
og jeg, jeg ...
og jeg, jeg ...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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Og jeg sagde, "Danny?"
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Og jeg tænkte, det er forfærdeligt.
Det eneste jeg gør er at samle sagsnumre.
Det eneste jeg gør er at samle sagsnumre.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Jeg svarede, "D-Dog?"
04:57
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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"Butikken er åbnet nu."
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Jeg svarede, "Men Dan, det må have undret
folk, at der ikke var en hoppeborg."
folk, at der ikke var en hoppeborg."
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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Og så var vi tilbage hertil.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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Og det kunne have været
afslutningen på historien,
afslutningen på historien,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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men jeg huskede,
at hvad som helst --
at hvad som helst --
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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selv noget så trivielt
som at stige ud af en bil
som at stige ud af en bil
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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er sjovt, hvis man
gør det til en leg.
gør det til en leg.
05:29
So,
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Så,
05:31
this is what I replied:
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det her var mit svar:
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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[Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer
er #0000001.]
er #0000001.]
05:36
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:39
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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Og vi ...
05:46
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Det var som om vi dansede.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Det var et smukt forhold.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Vi blev bare ved.
05:55
It was lovely.
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Det var vidunderligt.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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Men for at være ærlig,
så var det ret krævende,
så var det ret krævende,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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og jeg havde andre ting at tage mig til,
06:02
believe it or not.
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tro det eller ej.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Så jeg brugte et lille
auto-svar-program.
auto-svar-program.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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Jeg opsatte det til
at sende en mail tilbage til Safemart,
at sende en mail tilbage til Safemart,
06:15
it just pings one back.
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når de skrev.
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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Så jeg satte en mail op:
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer er ..."
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Så har den en lille formel,
der øgede sagsnummeret hver gang.
der øgede sagsnummeret hver gang.
06:24
And I put it on the server
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Jeg lagde den på serveren
06:26
and set it running.
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og satte den igang.
06:29
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Jeg vil være ærlig --
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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jeg glemte alt om det.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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Jeg tjekkede det igen den anden dag,
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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og det viser sig, at der har været
nogle mails frem og tilbage.
nogle mails frem og tilbage.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Vi er på nummer 21.439
06:52
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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Det giver mig en enorm
tilfredsstillelse at vide
tilfredsstillelse at vide
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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at disse computerprogrammer
vil sende mails til hinanden
vil sende mails til hinanden
07:06
for eternity.
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for evigt.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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Det synes jeg egentlig ikke er skidt.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Så bare husk:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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hvis I nogensinde føler jer
tynget af bureaukrati
tynget af bureaukrati
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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eller det moderne livs banaliteter,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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så kæmp ikke imod frustrationen.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Lad den være katalysator
07:28
for whimsy.
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for sjove påfund.
07:31
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
07:34
Thank you.
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Tak.
07:35
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com