TEDxHouston
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
Brené Brown: Haavatavuse vägi
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Brene Brown uurib ühendust inimeste vahel - meie võimet olla kaastundlik, kuuluda, armastada. Tabavas ja naljakas kõnes TEDxHouston üritusel jagab ta sügavaid kaemuseid oma uuringutest. Uurimistöö, mis viis ta isiklikule otsingule tunda iseennast ja sellega inimkonda. Kõne mida jagada.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
So, I'll start with this:
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Ma alustaksin sellega:
00:17
a couple years ago, an event planner called me
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paar aastat tagasi helistas mulle ühe ürituse korraldaja,
00:19
because I was going to do a speaking event.
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sest ma pidin seal kõnelejana osalema.
00:21
And she called, and she said,
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Ta helistas ja ütles:
00:23
"I'm really struggling with how
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"Ma olen hädas sellega,
00:25
to write about you on the little flyer."
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kuidas sind reklaamlehel nimetada."
00:27
And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?"
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Ma ei saanud aru, milles häda seisneb.
00:29
And she said, "Well, I saw you speak,
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Ta ütles: "Ma nägin sind kõnelemas
00:31
and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think,
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ja ma vist nimetaksin sind teadlaseks,
00:34
but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come,
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aga ma kardan, et siis ei tule keegi kuulama,
00:36
because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
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sest nad arvavad, et sa oled igav ja ei puutu asjasse."
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
00:40
And I was like, "Okay."
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Vastasin: "Okei."
00:42
And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk
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Ta ütles: "Aga mulle meeldis su kõne juures see,
00:44
is you're a storyteller.
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et sa oled jutuvestja.
00:46
So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller."
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Niisiis, ma arvan, et kutsun sind lihtsalt jutuvestjaks."
00:49
And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
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Akadeemiline, ebakindel osa minust oli jahmunud:
00:52
was like, "You're going to call me a what?"
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"Sa kutsud mind mis asjaks?"
00:54
And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller."
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Ta ütles: "Ma kutsun sind jutuvestjaks."
00:57
And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?"
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Mina: "Miks mitte võluhaldjaks?"
01:00
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
01:03
I was like, "Let me think about this for a second."
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Ütlesin talle: "Las ma mõtlen korraks järele."
01:06
I tried to call deep on my courage.
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Ma püüdsin sügavalt sisimast julgust leida.
01:09
And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
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Ja siis sain aru, et kuulge, ma ju olengi jutuvestja.
01:12
I'm a qualitative researcher.
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Ma olen kvalitatiivne teadlane.
01:14
I collect stories; that's what I do.
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Ma kogun lugusid; see on see, mida ma teen.
01:16
And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
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Ja võib-olla on lood lihtsalt hingestatud andmed.
01:19
And maybe I'm just a storyteller.
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Ja võib-olla ma olengi lihtsalt jutuvestja.
01:21
And so I said, "You know what?
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Niisiis ütlesin: "Tead mis?
01:23
Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller."
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Kirjuta lihtsalt, et ma olen teadlane-jutuvestja."
01:26
And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing."
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Ja ta vastas: "Ha-haa. Sellist asja pole olemas."
01:29
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
01:31
So I'm a researcher-storyteller,
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Nii et ma olen teadlane-jutuvestja
01:33
and I'm going to talk to you today --
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ja täna räägin ma teile...
01:35
we're talking about expanding perception --
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me räägime mõtteviisi avardamisest...
01:37
and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
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nii et ma tahan jutustada teile mõned lood
01:39
about a piece of my research
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ühest oma uurimistööst,
01:42
that fundamentally expanded my perception
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mis avardas põhjalikult mu arusaamist
01:45
and really actually changed the way that I live and love
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ja tõepoolest muutis viisi, kuidas ma elan ja armastan
01:48
and work and parent.
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ja töötan ja oma lapsi kasvatan.
01:50
And this is where my story starts.
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Mu lugu saab alguse siit.
01:52
When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
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Kui ma olin noor teadlane, doktorant,
01:55
my first year I had a research professor
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oli mul esimesel aastal uurija-professor,
01:57
who said to us,
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kes ütles meile:
01:59
"Here's the thing,
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"Lugu on nii -
02:01
if you cannot measure it, it does not exist."
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kui seda ei saa mõõta, siis seda pole olemas."
02:04
And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
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Ja ma mõtlesin, et ta räägib mulle lihtsalt mesijuttu.
02:07
I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely."
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Küsisin: "Päriselt?" ja tema kinnitas: "Absoluutselt."
02:10
And so you have to understand
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Te peate mõistma, et mul on
02:12
that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work,
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bakalureusekraad sotsiaaltöös, magistrikraad sotsiaaltöös
02:14
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work,
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ja ma olin sotsiaaltöö doktorantuuris,
02:16
so my entire academic career
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seega olin ma kogu oma akadeemilise karjääri jooksul
02:18
was surrounded by people
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olnud ümbritsetud inimestest,
02:20
who kind of believed
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kes põhimõtteliselt uskusid, et
02:22
in the "life's messy, love it."
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"elu on üks segapuder, armasta seda."
02:25
And I'm more of the, "life's messy,
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Aga mina usun rohkem sellesse, et "elu on segapuder,
02:27
clean it up, organize it
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tee kõik puhtaks, korrasta
02:30
and put it into a bento box."
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ning paiguta lahterdatud karpi."
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
02:34
And so to think that I had found my way,
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Nii et mõelda, et ma olin leidnud oma tee,
02:37
to found a career that takes me --
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leidnud karjääri, mis võtab mind...
02:40
really, one of the big sayings in social work
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Sotsiaaltöö tegijatel on üks levinud ütlus:
02:43
is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work."
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"Ära karda töö ebamugavust, vaid leia sellest tuge."
02:46
And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head
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Aga minu loomus ütleb pigem, et ebamugavusele tuleb piki pead virutada,
02:49
and move it over and get all A's.
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lükata see tee pealt eest ja saada hindeks ainult A-d.
02:51
That was my mantra.
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See oli mu mantra.
02:54
So I was very excited about this.
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Niisiis olin sellest kõigest väga elevil.
02:56
And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
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Mõtlesin, et teate mis, see on mulle sobiv karjäär,
02:59
because I am interested in some messy topics.
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sest ma olen tõesti huvitatud mõnedest segastest teemadest.
03:02
But I want to be able to make them not messy.
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Ent ma tahan olla võimeline neid selgeks muutma.
03:04
I want to understand them.
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Ma tahan neid mõista.
03:06
I want to hack into these things
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Ma tahan häkkida neisse asjadesse,
03:08
I know are important
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mille kohta ma tean, et need on tähtsad,
03:10
and lay the code out for everyone to see.
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ja teha kood kõigile kättesaadavaks.
03:12
So where I started was with connection.
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Niisiis alustasin ühendusest.
03:15
Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years,
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Selleks ajaks, kui sa oled olnud 10 aastat sotsiaaltöötaja,
03:18
what you realize
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oled hakanud mõistma,
03:20
is that connection is why we're here.
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et omavaheline side on see, milleks me siin oleme.
03:23
It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
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See annab meie elule eesmärgi ja tähenduse.
03:26
This is what it's all about.
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Selle ümber kõik käibki.
03:28
It doesn't matter whether you talk to people
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Ükskõik, kas sa räägid inimestega,
03:30
who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect,
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kes lahendavad sotsiaalõiguse ja vaimse tervise või kuritarvitamise ja hooletussejätmise küsimusi,
03:33
what we know is that connection,
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me teame, et inimeste omavaheline side,
03:35
the ability to feel connected, is --
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võime tajuda kokkupuutepunkti, on...
03:38
neurobiologically that's how we're wired --
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me oleme neurobioloogilises mõttes niimoodi ehitatud...
03:41
it's why we're here.
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see on see, miks me siin oleme.
03:43
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection.
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Niisiis mõtlesin, et teate, ma alustan ühendusest.
03:46
Well, you know that situation
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Teate ju küll olukorda,
03:49
where you get an evaluation from your boss,
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kus te saate ülemuselt hinnangu oma tööle,
03:51
and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome,
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ja ta nimetab 37 asja, millega te saate suurepäraselt hakkama,
03:54
and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?"
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ja ühe asja... mille osas on "arenguvõimalus?"
03:56
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
03:58
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
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Ja ainus, millele te suudate mõelda, on see arenguvõimalus, eks?
04:02
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
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Minu töös läksid asjad samamoodi,
04:05
because, when you ask people about love,
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sest kui te küsite inimestelt armastuse kohta,
04:08
they tell you about heartbreak.
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räägivad nad teile südamevalust.
04:10
When you ask people about belonging,
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Kui küsite inimestelt kuuluvuse kohta,
04:12
they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences
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räägivad nad teile oma kõige valusamatest kogemusteest,
04:15
of being excluded.
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kus neid kõrvale jäeti.
04:17
And when you ask people about connection,
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Ja kui te küsite inimestelt ühenduse kohta,
04:19
the stories they told me were about disconnection.
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rääkisid nende lood ühenduse puudumisest.
04:22
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
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Väga ruttu - umbes kuus nädalat pärast uurimistöö algust -
04:25
I ran into this unnamed thing
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põrkusin ma millegi nimetu vastu,
04:28
that absolutely unraveled connection
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mis avas minu jaoks ühenduse mõtte
04:31
in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
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viisil, mida ma ei mõistnud, ega polnud kunagi näinud.
04:34
And so I pulled back out of the research
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Tõmbusin uurimistööst tagasi
04:36
and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
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ja mõtlesin, et ma pean välja nuputama, mis see on.
04:39
And it turned out to be shame.
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Ja tuli välja, et see on häbi.
04:42
And shame is really easily understood
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Häbi on väga lihtne mõista
04:44
as the fear of disconnection:
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kui hirmu ühenduse kaotamise ees.
04:46
Is there something about me
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Kas minu juures on midagi sellist,
04:48
that, if other people know it or see it,
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et kui teised seda tunnevad või näevad,
04:51
that I won't be worthy of connection?
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siis ma pole enam ühenduse vääriline?
04:54
The things I can tell you about it:
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Mida ma saan teile selle kohta öelda:
04:56
it's universal; we all have it.
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see on universaalne, me kõik tunneme seda.
04:58
The only people who don't experience shame
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Ainsad inimesed, kes ei koge häbi,
05:00
have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
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ei oma ka võimet kogeda inimlikku empaatiat või sidet teistega.
05:02
No one wants to talk about it,
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Mitte keegi ei taha sellest rääkida,
05:04
and the less you talk about it the more you have it.
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ja mida vähem sa sellest räägid, seda rohkem sa seda tunned.
05:09
What underpinned this shame,
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Mis seda häbi veelgi kinnistas,
05:11
this "I'm not good enough," --
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seda tunnet, et ma ei ole piisavalt hea,
05:13
which we all know that feeling:
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mida me kõik oleme tundnud:
05:15
"I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough,
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"Ma pole piisavalt mis iganes. Ma pole piisavalt kõhn,
05:17
rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough,
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piisavalt rikas, piisavalt ilus, piisavalt tark,
05:19
promoted enough."
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piisavalt edutatud."
05:21
The thing that underpinned this
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Asi, mis seda kinnistas,
05:23
was excruciating vulnerability,
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oli ääretu haavatavus,
05:26
this idea of,
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mõte sellest,
05:28
in order for connection to happen,
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et sideme loomiseks,
05:30
we have to allow ourselves to be seen,
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peame laskma teistel ennast näha,
05:33
really seen.
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tõeliselt näha.
05:35
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
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Küllap teate, mida ma haavatavuse suhtes tunnen. Ma vihkan haavatavust.
05:38
And so I thought, this is my chance
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Niisiis mõtlesin, et see on minu võimalus
05:40
to beat it back with my measuring stick.
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lüüa see oma mõõdupulga abil tagasi.
05:43
I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out,
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Ma võtan selle asja ette, nuputan välja, kuidas see toimib,
05:46
I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame,
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veedan terve aasta ja harutan häbi täielikult lahti,
05:49
I'm going to understand how vulnerability works,
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hakkan mõistma, kuidas haavatavus töötab,
05:51
and I'm going to outsmart it.
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ja kavaldan selle üle.
05:54
So I was ready, and I was really excited.
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Nii et ma olin valmis ja väga elevil.
05:59
As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
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Nagu te aimate, ei tule sellest midagi välja.
06:01
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
06:04
You know this.
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Te teate seda.
06:06
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
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Ma võiksin rääkida teile väga palju häbist,
06:08
but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
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ent peaksin selleks laenama kõigi teiste aega.
06:10
But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to --
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Aga ma saan teile öelda, milles on asja tuum,
06:13
and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned
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ja see võib olla üks tähtsamatest asjadest, mida ma olen õppinud
06:16
in the decade of doing this research.
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oma kümneaastase uurimistöö jooksul.
06:19
My one year
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Minu ühest aastast
06:21
turned into six years:
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sai kuus aastat:
06:23
thousands of stories,
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tuhanded lood,
06:25
hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
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sajad pikad intervjuud, fookusgrupid.
06:28
At one point, people were sending me journal pages
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Inimesed saatsid mulle oma päevikusissekandeid,
06:30
and sending me their stories --
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saatsid mulle oma lugusid -
06:33
thousands of pieces of data in six years.
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tuhandeid andmeühikuid kuue aasta jooksul.
06:36
And I kind of got a handle on it.
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Ja ma justkui sain sellele käpa peale.
06:38
I kind of understood, this is what shame is,
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Ma justkui mõistsin, et häbi on selline,
06:40
this is how it works.
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sedaviisi ta toimib.
06:42
I wrote a book,
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Ma kirjutasin raamatu,
06:44
I published a theory,
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avaldasin teooria,
06:46
but something was not okay --
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ent miski oli valesti...
06:49
and what it was is that,
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asi oli selles, et
06:51
if I roughly took the people I interviewed
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kui ma võtaksin laias laastus inimesed, keda ma intervjueerisin
06:53
and divided them into people
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ja jagaksin nad inimesteks,
06:56
who really have a sense of worthiness --
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kes tõesti tajuvad oma eneseväärtust -
06:59
that's what this comes down to,
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sest see ongi põhiline,
07:01
a sense of worthiness --
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iseenda väärtuse tajumine -
07:03
they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
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siis nemad tunnetavad kindlalt armastust ja kuulumist -
07:06
and folks who struggle for it,
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ja inimesteks, kes püüdlevad selle poole,
07:08
and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
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ja inimesteks, kes alati kahtlevad, kas nad on piisavalt head.
07:10
There was only one variable
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Oli ainult üks muutuja,
07:12
that separated the people who have
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mis eristas inimesi, kes
07:14
a strong sense of love and belonging
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tunnetavad kindlalt armastust ja kuulumist
07:16
and the people who really struggle for it.
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ja inimesi, kes selle poole püüdlema peavad.
07:18
And that was, the people who have
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Ja see oli, et inimesed, kes
07:20
a strong sense of love and belonging
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tunnetavad kindlalt armastust ja kuulumist,
07:22
believe they're worthy of love and belonging.
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usuvad, et nad on armastust ja kuulumist väärt.
07:25
That's it.
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Nii ongi.
07:27
They believe they're worthy.
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Nad usuvad, et nad on selle väärilised.
Minu jaoks oli raske see osa,
07:30
And to me, the hard part
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07:33
of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
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et meid takistab ühenduse loomisel
07:36
is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
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hirm, et me pole seda ühendust väärt,
07:39
was something that, personally and professionally,
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ja ma tundsin isiklikult ja erialaselt,
07:41
I felt like I needed to understand better.
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et pean õppima seda paremini mõistma.
07:44
So what I did
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Nii et ma tegin seda,
07:47
is I took all of the interviews
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et võtsin kõik intervjuud,
07:49
where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
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milles nägin eneseväärtust, milles nägin inimesi selle järgi elavat,
07:52
and just looked at those.
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ja lihtsalt vaatasin neid.
07:55
What do these people have in common?
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Mida on neil inimestel ühist?
07:57
I have a slight office supply addiction,
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Mul on kerge kontoritarvete sõltuvus,
07:59
but that's another talk.
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aga see on teine jutt.
08:02
So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
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Mul oli kollane kaust ja marker,
08:05
and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
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ja ma mõtlesin, et kuidas seda uurimistööd nimetada.
08:07
And the first words that came to my mind
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Ja esimesed sõnad, mis mulle pähe tulid,
08:09
were whole-hearted.
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olid "avali südamega".
08:11
These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
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Need on avali südamega inimesed, kes elavad kindla eneseväärtuse tundega.
08:14
So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
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Kirjutasin selle oma kollase kausta peale
08:17
and I started looking at the data.
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ja hakkasin andmeid vaatama.
08:19
In fact, I did it first
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Esialgu tegin seda
08:21
in a four-day
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neli päeva kestva
08:23
very intensive data analysis,
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väga intensiivse analüüsi käigus,
08:26
where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents.
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mil ma läksin ja võtsin need intervjuud, lood, juhtumised uuesti ette.
08:29
What's the theme? What's the pattern?
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Milline on läbiv teema? Mis on muster?
08:32
My husband left town with the kids
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Mu abikaasa sõitis koos lastega linnast minema,
08:35
because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
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sest mind haarab alati selline Jackson Pollocki tüüpi hullus,
08:38
where I'm just like writing
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kus ma ainult kirjutan
08:40
and in my researcher mode.
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ja olen puhtalt teadlase režiimis.
08:43
And so here's what I found.
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Avastasin järgmist.
08:47
What they had in common
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See, mis neil ühist oli,
08:49
was a sense of courage.
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oli julgus.
08:51
And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
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Ja ma tahan siinkohal eristada julgust ja vaprust.
08:54
Courage, the original definition of courage,
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Julgus selle sõna algupärases tähenduses,
08:56
when it first came into the English language --
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kui see algselt inglise keelde tuli -
08:58
it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart --
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see tuleb ladinakeelsest sõnast "cor", mis tähendab südant -
09:01
and the original definition
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ja selle esialgne tähendus
09:03
was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
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oli rääkida avali südamega lugu sellest, kes sa oled.
09:06
And so these folks
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Niisiis, neil inimestel
09:08
had, very simply, the courage
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oli väga lihtsalt öeldes
09:10
to be imperfect.
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julgus olla ebatäiuslik.
09:13
They had the compassion
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Neil oli kaastunnet
09:15
to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
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olla lahked eelkõige enda ja siis teiste vastu,
09:18
because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people
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sest tuleb välja, et me ei saa olla teiste suhtes kaastundlikud,
09:21
if we can't treat ourselves kindly.
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kui me ei suuda olla lahked iseenda vastu.
09:24
And the last was they had connection,
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Ja lõpuks, neil oli side teistega
09:26
and -- this was the hard part --
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ja - see oli see raske osa -
09:28
as a result of authenticity,
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eheduse tulemusena,
09:31
they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
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olid nad valmis loobuma sellest, kes nad arvasid, et nad peaksid olema,
09:34
in order to be who they were,
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selleks, et olla, kes nad on,
09:36
which you have to absolutely do that
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mida sa pead igal juhul tegema,
09:39
for connection.
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et ühendust kogeda.
09:43
The other thing that they had in common
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Teine asi, mis neil omavahel ühist oli,
09:45
was this:
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oli see:
09:50
They fully embraced vulnerability.
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Nad leppisid täielikult oma haavatavusega.
09:55
They believed
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Nad uskusid,
09:58
that what made them vulnerable
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et see, mis teeb neist haavatavad,
10:01
made them beautiful.
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teeb neist ilusad.
10:05
They didn't talk about vulnerability
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Nad ei rääkinud sellest,
10:07
being comfortable,
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nagu haavatavus oleks mõnus,
10:09
nor did they really talk about it being excruciating --
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ega ka sellest, nagu see oleks piinavalt valus -
10:12
as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
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nagu olin kuulnud eelnevate häbi-intervjuude käigus.
10:14
They just talked about it being necessary.
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Nad lihtsalt rääkisid selle vajalikkusest.
10:18
They talked about the willingness
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Nad rääkisid valmidusest
10:20
to say, "I love you" first,
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öelda "Ma armastan sind" esimesena,
10:23
the willingness
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valmidusest
10:26
to do something
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teha midagi,
10:28
where there are no guarantees,
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millel pole tagatist,
10:31
the willingness
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valmidusest
10:33
to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call
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hingata läbi selle aja, mil ootad arsti kõnet
10:35
after your mammogram.
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pärast mammograafiat.
10:38
They're willing to invest in a relationship
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Nad on valmis panustama suhtesse,
10:41
that may or may not work out.
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mis võib, ent ei pruugi toimida.
10:44
They thought this was fundamental.
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Nad leidsid, et see on kõige alus.
10:47
I personally thought it was betrayal.
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Mina isiklikult mõtlesin, et see on reetmine.
10:50
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance
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Ma ei suutnud uskuda, et olin vandunud truudust
10:53
to research, where our job --
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teadusele, kus meie töö...
10:55
you know, the definition of research
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Te ju teate, teaduse definitsioon
10:57
is to control and predict, to study phenomena,
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on kontrollida ja prognoosida, uurida nähtusi,
11:00
for the explicit reason
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sel ilmselgel põhjusel,
11:02
to control and predict.
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et kontrollida ja prognoosida.
11:04
And now my mission
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Ja nüüd oli mu eesmärk
11:06
to control and predict
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kontrollida ja prognoosida
11:08
had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability
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toonud mulle vastuse, et elada tuleb koos haavatavusega
11:11
and to stop controlling and predicting.
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ja lõpetada kontrollimine ja prognoosimine.
11:14
This led to a little breakdown --
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See viis väikse närvivapustuseni...
11:17
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
11:21
-- which actually looked more like this.
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... mis nägi välja rohkem selline.
11:24
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
11:26
And it did.
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Ja nägigi.
11:28
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
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Mina kutsun seda närvivapustuseks; mu terapeut kutsub seda vaimseks ärkamiseks.
11:32
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,
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Vaimne ärkamine kõlab paremini kui närvivapustus,
11:34
but I assure you it was a breakdown.
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kuid ma kinnitan teile, et see oli närvivapustus.
11:36
And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.
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Ma pidin oma andmed ära panema ja leidma endale terapeudi.
11:38
Let me tell you something: you know who you are
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Ma kinnitan teile: te saate teada, kes te olete,
11:41
when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody.
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kui helistate sõpradele ja ütlete: "Peaksin vist kellegi poole pöörduma.
11:44
Do you have any recommendations?"
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Kas oskad kedagi soovitada?"
11:47
Because about five of my friends were like,
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Sest umbes viis mu sõpradest reageerisid:
11:49
"Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
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"Ai. Ma ei tahaks küll sinu terapeut olla."
11:51
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
11:54
I was like, "What does that mean?"
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Ma küsisin: "Mis mõttes?"
11:56
And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know.
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Ja nemad vastu: "Ma lihtsalt ütlen, tead.
11:59
Don't bring your measuring stick."
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Ära oma mõõdupulka kaasa võta."
12:01
I was like, "Okay."
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Mina: "Okei."
12:06
So I found a therapist.
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Nii et ma leidsin endale terapeudi.
12:08
My first meeting with her, Diana --
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Mu esimene kohtumine Dianaga...
12:11
I brought in my list
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Ma võtsin kaasa oma nimekirja selle kohta,
12:13
of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
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kuidas avali südamega inimesed elavad, ja istusin.
12:16
And she said, "How are you?"
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Ta küsis: "Kuidas sul läheb?"
12:18
And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay."
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Vastasin: "Suurepäraselt. Kenasti."
12:21
She said, "What's going on?"
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Ta küsis: "Mis toimub?"
12:23
And this is a therapist who sees therapists,
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Ja see oli terapeut, kelle juures käivad terapeudid,
12:26
because we have to go to those,
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sest me peame nende juures käima,
12:28
because their B.S. meters are good.
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kuna nad haistavad igasuguse jama kaugelt ära.
12:31
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
12:33
And so I said,
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Ja nii ma ütlesin:
12:35
"Here's the thing, I'm struggling."
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"Asi on selles, et ma olen hädas."
12:37
And she said, "What's the struggle?"
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Tema küsis: "Milles häda seisneb?"
12:39
And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue.
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Mina ütlesin: "Mul on probleem haavatavusega.
12:42
And I know that vulnerability is the core
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Ja ma tean, et haavatavus on tuumaks
12:45
of shame and fear
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häbile ja hirmule
12:47
and our struggle for worthiness,
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ja meie püüdlusele enese väärtustamise poole,
12:49
but it appears that it's also the birthplace
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ent paistab, et sealt sünnivad ka
12:52
of joy, of creativity,
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rõõm, loovus
12:55
of belonging, of love.
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kuuluvus ja armastus.
12:57
And I think I have a problem,
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Ja ma arvan, et mul on sellega probleem,
12:59
and I need some help."
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ja ma vajan natuke abi."
13:02
And I said, "But here's the thing:
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Ma lisasin: "Aga mul on üks tingimus:
13:04
no family stuff,
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ei mingit perekonnavärki,
13:06
no childhood shit."
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ei mingit lapsepõlve jama."
13:08
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
13:10
"I just need some strategies."
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"Mul on lihtsalt vaja strateegiaid."
13:13
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
13:17
(Applause)
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(Aplaus)
13:20
Thank you.
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Tänan teid.
13:24
So she goes like this.
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Terapeut tegi nii.
13:27
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
13:29
And then I said, "It's bad, right?"
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Ma ütlesin: "Asi on halb, jah?"
13:32
And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
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Ta vastas: "Asi pole ei hea ega halb."
13:35
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
13:37
"It just is what it is."
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"See lihtsalt on, nagu on."
13:39
And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
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Mina ütlesin: "Oh issand, see saab olema kohutav."
13:42
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
13:45
And it did, and it didn't.
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Ja nii see oli ja ei olnud ka.
13:47
And it took about a year.
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See võttis umbes aasta aega.
13:50
And you know how there are people
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Te ju teate, et on inimesi,
13:52
that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,
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kes, mõistes, et haavatavus ja õrnus on tähtsad,
13:55
that they surrender and walk into it.
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siis nad alistuvad ja hüppavad pea ees sinna sisse.
13:58
A: that's not me,
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A) Mina ei ole selline.
14:00
and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
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B) Ma isegi ei veeda aega selliste inimestega.
14:03
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
14:06
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
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Minu jaoks oli see aastapikkune tänavakaklus.
14:09
It was a slugfest.
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See oli taplus.
14:11
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
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Haavatavus tõukas, mina tõukasin vastu.
14:13
I lost the fight,
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Ma kaotasin võitluse,
14:16
but probably won my life back.
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aga ilmselt võitsin oma elu tagasi.
14:18
And so then I went back into the research
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Võtsin oma uurmistöö jälle käsile
14:20
and spent the next couple of years
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ja veetsin järgmised paar aastat
14:22
really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,
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tõesti püüdes mõista avali südamega inimesi -
14:25
what choices they were making,
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mis valikuid nad tegid
14:27
and what are we doing
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ja mida teeme meie
14:29
with vulnerability.
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haavatavusega.
14:31
Why do we struggle with it so much?
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Miks me heitleme sellega nii kohutavalt?
14:33
Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?
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Kas ma olen üksi heitluses haavatavusega?
14:36
No.
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Ei.
14:38
So this is what I learned.
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Sain aru järgnevast.
14:41
We numb vulnerability --
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Me tuimestame haavatavust -
14:44
when we're waiting for the call.
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kui me ootame seda kõnet.
14:46
It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook
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Naljakas lugu oli, et ma tegin postituse Twitteris ja Facebookis,
14:48
that says, "How would you define vulnerability?
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küsides: "Kuidas sa defineeriksid haavatavust?
14:50
What makes you feel vulnerable?"
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Mis paneb sind tundma end haavatavana?"
14:52
And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.
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Ja pooleteise tunni jooksul sain ma 150 vastust.
14:55
Because I wanted to know
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Sest ma tahtsin teada,
14:57
what's out there.
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milliseid variante on.
15:00
Having to ask my husband for help
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Mehelt abi palumine, sest oled haige,
15:02
because I'm sick, and we're newly married;
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kui te olete alles vähe aega abielus olnud;
15:05
initiating sex with my husband;
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seksi algatamine oma mehega;
15:08
initiating sex with my wife;
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seksi algatamine oma naisega;
15:10
being turned down; asking someone out;
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kui öeldakse ära; kellegi kohtama kutsumine;
15:13
waiting for the doctor to call back;
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arsti kõne ootamine;
15:15
getting laid off; laying off people --
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töölt vallandatud saada; ise kedagi vallandada...
15:18
this is the world we live in.
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see on maailm, milles elame.
15:20
We live in a vulnerable world.
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Me elame haavatavas maailmas.
15:23
And one of the ways we deal with it
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Ja üks viisidest, kuidas selle üle elame,
15:25
is we numb vulnerability.
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on see, et me tuimestame haavatavust.
15:27
And I think there's evidence --
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Minu arvates on tõendeid...
15:29
and it's not the only reason this evidence exists,
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ja see pole ainus põhjus nende tõendite olemasoluks,
15:31
but I think it's a huge cause --
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aga ma arvan, et see on suur põhjus...
15:33
we are the most in-debt,
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et meil esineb rohkem võlgu,
15:37
obese,
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ülekaalulisust,
15:40
addicted and medicated
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sõltuvust ja ravimite ületarbimist,
15:43
adult cohort in U.S. history.
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kui ühelgi varasemal täiskasvanute põlvkonnal USA ajaloos.
15:48
The problem is -- and I learned this from the research --
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Probleemiks on - ja ma õppisin seda oma uurimistööst -,
15:51
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
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et me ei saa tundeid valikuliselt tuimestada.
15:55
You can't say, here's the bad stuff.
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Te ei saa öelda, et siin on halvad asjad.
15:58
Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame,
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Siin on haavatavus, lein, häbi,
16:00
here's fear, here's disappointment.
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hirm, pettumus.
16:02
I don't want to feel these.
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Ma ei taha neid tunda.
16:04
I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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Võtan parem paar õlut ja banaani-pähkli muffini.
16:07
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
16:09
I don't want to feel these.
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Ma ei taha neid tunda.
16:11
And I know that's knowing laughter.
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Ja ma tean, et see on äratundev naer.
16:13
I hack into your lives for a living.
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Minu igapäevatöö on teie eludesse häkkida.
16:16
God.
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See on... issand jumal...
16:18
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
16:20
You can't numb those hard feelings
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Te ei saa tuimestada neid ränki tundeid,
16:23
without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
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ilma tuimestamata teisi mõjutajaid, meie emotsioone.
16:25
You cannot selectively numb.
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Te ei saa tuimestada valikuliselt.
16:27
So when we numb those,
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Nii et kui me tuimestame need,
16:30
we numb joy,
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tuimestame ühtlasi ka rõõmu,
16:32
we numb gratitude,
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tänulikkuse,
16:34
we numb happiness.
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õnnetunde.
16:36
And then we are miserable,
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Ja siis oleme õnnetud,
16:39
and we are looking for purpose and meaning,
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otsime eesmärki ja tähendust,
16:41
and then we feel vulnerable,
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ja tunneme end haavatavana,
16:43
so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
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niisiis võtame paar õlut ja banaani-pähkli muffini.
16:46
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
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Ja sellest saab ohtlik tsükkel.
16:51
One of the things that I think we need to think about
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Üks asi, millele me peaksime minu arvates mõtlema,
16:54
is why and how we numb.
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on see, miks ja kuidas me tuimestame.
16:56
And it doesn't just have to be addiction.
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Ja see ei pea olema ainult sõltuvus.
16:59
The other thing we do
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Üks teine asi, mida me teeme
17:01
is we make everything that's uncertain certain.
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on kõige ebakindla kindlaks tegemine.
17:05
Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery
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Religioon on uskumisest usku ja salapärasse
17:08
to certainty.
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liikunud kindlusesse.
17:10
I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up.
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Mul on õigus, sinul pole. Jää vait.
17:13
That's it.
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Ja kõik.
17:15
Just certain.
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Lihtsalt kindel.
17:17
The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,
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Mida enam me kardame, seda enam oleme haavatavad,
17:19
the more afraid we are.
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seda enam kardame.
17:21
This is what politics looks like today.
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Selline näeb välja tänapäeva politiika.
17:23
There's no discourse anymore.
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Mingit arutlust pole enam.
17:25
There's no conversation.
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Pole mingit vestlust.
17:27
There's just blame.
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On vaid süüdistamine.
17:29
You know how blame is described in the research?
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Kas teate, kuidas teaduslikes uurimustes süüdistamist kirjeldatakse?
17:32
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
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See on viis vallandada valu ja ebamugavust.
17:36
We perfect.
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Me täiustame.
17:38
If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,
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Kui keegi üldse soovib, et ta elu näiks selline, siis see olen mina,
17:41
but it doesn't work.
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ent see ei tööta.
17:43
Because what we do is we take fat from our butts
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Sest me võtame oma tagumikelt rasva
17:45
and put it in our cheeks.
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ja süstime selle oma põskedesse.
17:47
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
17:50
Which just, I hope in 100 years,
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Ma loodan, et 100 aasta pärast
17:52
people will look back and go, "Wow."
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vaatavad inimesed sellele hämminguga tagasi.
17:54
(Laughter)
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(Naer)
17:56
And we perfect, most dangerously,
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Ja me täiustame kõige ohtlikumalt
17:58
our children.
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oma lapsi.
18:00
Let me tell you what we think about children.
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Las ma räägin teile, kuidas me lastest mõtleme.
18:02
They're hardwired for struggle when they get here.
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Neile on heitlused juba sündides sisse programmeeritud.
18:05
And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,
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Kui te hoiate neid täiuslikke beebisid oma kätel,
18:08
our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect.
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pole meie töö öelda: "Vaadake teda, ta on täiuslik.
18:10
My job is just to keep her perfect --
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Minu töö on teda hoida täiuslikuna -
18:12
make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade."
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tagada, et ta saab viiendas klassis sisse tennisemeeskonda ja seitsmendas Yale'i."
18:15
That's not our job.
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See ei ole meie töö.
18:17
Our job is to look and say,
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Meie töö on vaadata teda ja öelda:
18:19
"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle,
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"Tead mis? Sa oled ebatäiuslik ja sind ootab heitlus,
18:22
but you are worthy of love and belonging."
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aga sa väärid armastust ja kuulumist."
18:24
That's our job.
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See on meie töö.
18:26
Show me a generation of kids raised like that,
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Näidake mulle põlvkonda niimoodi kasvatatud lapsi
18:28
and we'll end the problems I think that we see today.
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ja ma usun, et tänased probleemid saavad lahendatud.
18:31
We pretend that what we do
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Me teeskleme, et see, mida me teeme
18:35
doesn't have an effect on people.
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ei mõjuta teisi inimesi.
18:38
We do that in our personal lives.
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Me teeme seda oma isiklikus elus.
18:40
We do that corporate --
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Me teeme seda korporatiivselt -
18:42
whether it's a bailout, an oil spill,
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olgu see riiklik rahasüst, naftaleke,
18:44
a recall --
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toodete tagasiostmine...
18:46
we pretend like what we're doing
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me teeskleme, et see, mida me teeme,
18:48
doesn't have a huge impact on other people.
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ei oma suurt mõju teistele inimestele.
18:51
I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
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Ma ütleksin ettevõtetele, et me ei ole esimest korda elus rodeol.
18:55
We just need you to be authentic and real
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Meil on vaja, et te oleksite ehedad ja päris
18:57
and say, "We're sorry.
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ja ütleksite: "Me palume vabandust.
18:59
We'll fix it."
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Me ajame selle korda."
19:05
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.
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Aga on ka teine tee ja ma jätaksin selle teile mõtlemiseks.
19:07
This is what I have found:
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Ma avastasin järgmist:
19:09
to let ourselves be seen,
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lasta teistel end näha,
19:11
deeply seen,
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tõeliselt näha,
19:13
vulnerably seen;
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näha haavatavana;
19:16
to love with our whole hearts,
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armastada avali südamega,
19:18
even though there's no guarantee --
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kuigi mingit tagatist ei ole -
19:20
and that's really hard,
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ja see on tõesti raske,
19:22
and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult --
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lapsevanemana võin ma teile öelda, et see on piinavalt raske -,
19:27
to practice gratitude and joy
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kultiveerida tänulikkust ja rõõmu
19:30
in those moments of terror,
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neis kaburhimu hetkedes,
19:32
when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much?
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mil me imestame: "Kas ma saan armastada sind nii palju?
19:34
Can I believe in this this passionately?
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Saan ma uskuda sellesse nii kirglikult?
19:36
Can I be this fierce about this?"
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Saan ma suhtuda sellesse niisuguse ägedusega?"
19:39
just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,
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lihtsalt olla võimeline peatuma ja katastroofide kujutlemise asemel
19:41
to say, "I'm just so grateful,
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öelda: "Ma olen nii tänulik,
19:44
because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."
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sest tunda end haavatavana tähendab, et ma olen elus."
19:48
And the last, which I think is probably the most important,
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Ja lõpetuseks see, mis minu arvates on kõige tähtsam:
19:51
is to believe that we're enough.
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uskuda, et me oleme piisavalt head.
19:54
Because when we work from a place,
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Ma usun, et kui me lähtume sellest,
19:56
I believe, that says, "I'm enough,"
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et me oleme piisavalt head,
20:00
then we stop screaming and start listening,
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siis me lõpetame karjumise ja hakkame kuulama,
20:04
we're kinder and gentler to the people around us,
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me oleme lahkemad ja hellemad ümbritsevate suhtes,
20:06
and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
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ja oleme lahkemad ja hellemad iseenda vastu.
20:09
That's all I have. Thank you.
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See on kõik, mis mul on. Aitäh teile.
20:11
(Applause)
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(Aplaus)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com