TEDWomen 2010
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Let's talk parenting taboos
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Pričajmo o tabuima roditeljstva
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Izdavači Babble.com-a, Rufus Griscom i Alisa Volkman, u živahnom duetu, otkrivaju četiri činjenice koje roditelji nikad, ikad priznaju -- i zašto bi ih trebali. Smiješno i iskreno, i za roditelje i one koji to nisu.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --
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Alisa Volkman: Dakle, ovdje počinje naša priča --
00:21
the dramatic moments of the birth
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dramatični trenuci rođenja
00:23
of our first son, Declan.
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našeg prvog sina, Declana.
00:25
Obviously a really profound moment,
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Očito veoma dubok trenutak,
00:27
and it changed our lives in many ways.
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i promijenio je naše živote na mnogo načina.
00:29
It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,
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Ujedno je promijenio naše živote na mnogo neočekivanih načina,
00:31
and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,
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i ti neočekivani načini o kojima smo kasnije promišljali,
00:34
that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,
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su naposljetku izrodili poslovnu ideju nas dvoje,
00:36
and a year later, we launched Babble,
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i godinu dana kasnije, lansirali smo Babble,
00:38
a website for parents.
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web stranicu za roditelje.
00:40
Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story
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Rufus Griscom: Sada, ja razmišljam o našoj priči
00:42
as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.
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koja počinje nekoliko godina ranije. (AV: To je istina.)
00:45
RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.
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RG: Možda se sjećaš, zaljubili smo se preko glave.
00:48
AV: We did.
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AV: Jesmo.
00:50
RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.
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RG: U to vrijeme smo vodili drugu vrstu web stranice.
00:52
It was a website called Nerve.com,
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To je bila web stranica zvana Nerve.com,
00:54
the tagline of which was "literate smut."
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koja je bila -- udarna linija je bila "pismena pornografija."
00:57
It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,
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U teoriji je bila, a nadam se i u praksi,
01:00
a smart online magazine
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pametan online magazin
01:02
about sex and culture.
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o seksu i kulturi.
01:05
AV: That spawned a dating site.
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AV: To je iznjedrilo stranicu za izlaske.
01:08
But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.
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Ali možete shvatiti šale koje primamo. Seks stvara djecu.
01:10
You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,
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Slijedite upute na Nerve-u i morali biste završiti na Babble-u,
01:13
which we did.
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što i jesmo.
01:15
And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.
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I mogli bismo lansirati gerijatrijsku stranicu kao našu treću. Vidjet ćemo.
01:19
RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble
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RG: Ali za nas, kontinuiranost između Nerve-a i Babble-a
01:22
was not just the life stage thing,
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nije bila samo stvar životne faze,
01:24
which is, of course, relevant,
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što je, naravno, važno,
01:26
but it was really more about
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već je bilo to više o
01:28
our desire to speak very honestly
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našoj želji da pričamo vrlo iskreno
01:30
about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.
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o predmetima o kojima je ljudima teško pričati na iskren način.
01:33
It seems to us that
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Čini nam se da,
01:35
when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,
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kada se ljudi počnu rascjepkavati, ljudi počnu lagati o stvarima,
01:38
that's when it gets really interesting.
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i tada počinje biti zanimljivo,
01:40
That's a subject that we want to dive into.
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to je predmet u koji mi želimo zaroniti.
01:42
And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,
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I bili smo iznenađeni, kao mladi roditelji,
01:44
that there are almost more taboos around parenting
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kako ima skoro više tabua o roditeljstvu
01:47
than there are around sex.
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nego o seksu.
01:49
AV: It's true. So like we said,
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AV: To je točno. Dakle, kao što smo rekli,
01:51
the early years were really wonderful,
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rane godine su bile uistinu prekrasne,
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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ali su bile uistinu i teške.
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty
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I čini nam se da je dio te težine
01:57
was because of this false advertisement around parenting.
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bio zbog ove lažne reklame o roditeljstvu.
02:00
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:02
We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,
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Pretplatili smo se na mnogo časopisa, napravili našu zadaću,
02:05
but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.
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ali uistinu gdje god se okrenete, bili smo okruženi slikama poput ovih.
02:08
And we went into parenting
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I krenuli smo u roditeljstvo
02:10
expecting our lives to look like this.
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očekujući da će naši životi izgledati ovako.
02:12
The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.
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Sunce je uvijek dopiralo unutra, i naša djeca nikada ne bi plakala.
02:15
I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,
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Ja bih uvijek bila savršeno počešljana i odmorena.
02:19
and in fact, it was not like that at all.
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A zapravo, uopće nije bilo tako.
02:21
RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine
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RG: Kada smo spustili taj sjajeći časopis za roditelje
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,
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u koji smo gledali, sa svim tim prekrasnim slikama,
02:26
and looked at the scene in our actual living room,
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i pogledali stanje u našoj pravoj dnevnoj sobi,
02:28
it looked a little bit more like this.
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koje je izgledalo više nalik ovome.
02:30
These are our three sons.
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Ovo su naša tri sina.
02:32
And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,
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I naravno, ne plaču i vrište uvijek.
02:34
but with three boys, there's a decent probability
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Ali s tri dečka, postoji izgledna vjerojatnost
02:36
that at least one of them will not be comporting himself
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da se bar jedan od njih neće uklopiti
02:38
exactly as he should.
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na način na koji bi se trebao.
02:40
AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.
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AV: Da, možete vidjeti gdje je za nas dolazilo do prekida.
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting
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Doista smo se osjećali kao da ono što smo očekivali
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,
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nije imalo nikakve veze s onim što smo zapravo proživljavali.
02:49
and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.
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I tako smo odlučili da to želimo izravno prenijeti roditeljima.
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand
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Doista smo željeli da razumiju
02:55
what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.
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stvarnosti roditeljstva na iskren način.
02:58
RG: So today, what we would love to do
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RG: Dakle, danas, ono što bismo mi voljeli učiniti
03:00
is share with you four parenting taboos.
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jest podijeliti s vama četiri roditeljska tabua.
03:03
And of course, there are many more than four things
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I naravno, postoji mnogo više od četiri stvari
03:05
you can't say about parenting,
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koje ne možete reći o roditeljstvu.
03:07
but we would like to share with you today
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Ali mi bismo željeli podijeliti s vama danas
03:09
four that are particularly relevant for us personally.
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četiri koja su naročito važna za nas osobno.
03:12
So the first, taboo number one:
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Dakle, prvi, tabu broj jedan:
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby
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ne možeš reći da se nisi zaljubio u svoje dijete
03:18
in the very first minute.
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već prve minute.
03:20
I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.
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Sjećam se jako dobro, sjedeći tamo u bolnici.
03:23
We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.
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Bili smo u procesu rođenja našeg prvog djeteta.
03:26
AV: We, or I?
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AV: Mi ili ja?
03:28
RG: I'm sorry.
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RG: Oprosti.
03:30
Misuse of the pronoun.
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Nepravilna uporaba zamjenice.
03:32
Alisa was very generously in the process
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Alisa je veoma velikodušno bila u procesu
03:34
of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)
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rođenja našeg prvog djeteta -- (AV: Hvala ti.)
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.
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-- a ja sam bio tamo s rukavicom hvatača.
03:38
And I was there with my arms open.
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I bio sam tamo raširenih ruku.
03:40
The nurse was coming at me
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Sestra mi je prilazila
03:42
with this beautiful, beautiful child,
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s tim prekrasnim, prekrasnim djetetom.
03:44
and I remember, as she was approaching me,
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I sjećam se, kako mi je prilazila,
03:46
the voices of friends saying,
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glasova prijatelja koji govore,
03:49
"The moment they put the baby in your hands,
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"U trenutku kada stave dijete u tvoje ruke,
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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osjetit ćeš osjećaj ljubavi koji će proći kroz tebe
03:54
that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful
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a koji ima jačinu veću
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."
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od bilo čega što si iskusio u svom čitavom životu."
03:59
So I was bracing myself for the moment.
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Stoga sam se pripremao za taj trenutak.
04:01
The baby was coming,
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Dijete je dolazilo,
04:03
and I was ready for this Mack truck of love
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i bio sam spreman za taj kamion pun ljubavi
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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da me obori s nogu.
04:08
And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,
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I umjesto toga, kada je dijete stavljeno u moje naručje,
04:11
it was an extraordinary moment.
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bio je to izvanredan trenutak.
04:13
This picture is from literally a few seconds after
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Ovo je slika od doslovno nekoliko sekundi nakon
04:16
the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.
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što je dijete položeno u moje ruke i donio sam ga ovdje.
04:19
And you can see, our eyes were glistening.
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I kao što možete vidjeti, naše oči su sjale.
04:21
I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,
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Bio sam obasut ljubavlju i privrženošću prema svojoj ženi,
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude
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s dubokom, dubokom zahvalnošću
04:26
that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.
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što imamo, na prvi pogled, zdravo dijete.
04:28
And it was also, of course, surreal.
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I bilo je ujedno, naravno, nestvarno.
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.
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Mislim, morao sam provjeriti etikete i uvjeriti se.
04:32
I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"
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Bio sam nepovjerljiv, "Jesi li sigurna da je ovo naše dijete?"
04:34
And this was all quite remarkable.
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I to je sve bilo nevjerojatno.
04:37
But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,
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Ali ono što sam osjećao prema djetetu u tom trenutku je bila duboka privrženost,
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.
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ali ništa poput onoga što sada osjećam prema njemu, pet godina kasnije.
04:43
And so we've done something here
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I tako smo napravili nešto ovdje
04:45
that is heretical.
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što je hereza.
04:47
We have charted
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Planirali smo
04:50
our love for our child over time.
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našu ljubav za naše dijete kroz vrijeme.
04:53
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act of heresy.
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To, kao što znate, je čin krivovjerja.
04:58
You're not allowed to chart love.
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Nije vam dopušteno planirati ljubav.
05:00
The reason you're not allowed to chart love
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Razlog zbog kojeg nam nije dozvoljeno planirati ljubav
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary thing.
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jest jer mislimo o ljubavi kao o binarnoj stvari.
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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Ili ste zaljubljeni, ili niste zaljubljeni.
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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Volite, ili ne volite.
05:08
And I think the reality is that love is a process,
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A mislim kako je u stvarnosti ljubav proces.
05:11
and I think the problem with thinking of love
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I mislim kako je problem s razmišljanjem o ljubavi
05:13
as something that's binary
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kao nešto što je binarno
05:15
is that it causes us
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jest da nam uzrokuje
05:17
to be unduly concerned
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da budemo neopravdano zabrinuti
05:19
that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.
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kako je ljubav lažljiva, ili neprikladna, ili što god želite.
05:22
And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.
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I mislim kako je očito da pričam ovdje o iskustvu oca.
05:25
But I think a lot of men do go through this sense
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Ali mislim kako mnogo ljudi prolazi kroz taj osjećaj
05:27
in the early months, maybe their first year,
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u ranim mjesecima, možda u njihovoj prvoj godini,
05:30
that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.
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kako njihov emocionalni odgovor nije prikladan.
05:33
AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,
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AV: Pa, drago mi je da Rufus to spominje,
05:35
because you can notice where he dips in the first years
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jer možete primjetiti kako se spušta u prvim godinama
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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gdje mislim kako sam ja radila većinu posla.
05:41
But we like to joke,
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Ali mi se volimo šaliti,
05:43
in the first few months of all of our children's lives,
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u prvim mjesecima života sve naše djece,
05:45
this is Uncle Rufus.
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ovo je Ujak Rufus.
05:47
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
05:49
RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.
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RG: Ja sam veoma privržen ujak, veoma privržen ujak.
05:51
AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home
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AV: Da, i često se šalim s Rufusom kada dođe doma
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up
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kako nisam sigurna da bi bio sposoban pronaći naše dijete u liniji
05:57
amongst other babies.
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među drugom djecom.
05:59
So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.
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Stoga sam zapravo ubacila brzi kviz ovdje za Rufusa.
06:01
RG: Uh oh.
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RG: Uh oh.
06:03
AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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AV: Ne želim ga previše osramotiti ovdje. Ali dat ću mu tri sekunde.
06:06
RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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RG: To nije pošteno. To je trik pitanje. On nije ovdje gore, je li?
06:09
AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,
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AV: Naš osmotjedni sin je negdje ovdje.
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.
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I želim vidjeti može li ga Rufus zapravo brzo prepoznati.
06:14
RG: The far left. AV: No!
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RG: Onaj krajnje lijevo. (AV: Ne!)
06:16
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
06:23
RG: Cruel.
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RG: Okrutno.
06:25
AV: Nothing more to be said.
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AV: Ništa više ne treba reći.
06:27
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
06:29
I'll move on to taboo number two.
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Prijeći ću na tabu broj dva.
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
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Ne možete pričato o tome kako usamljeno može biti imati dijete.
06:34
I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.
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Uživala sam u trudnoći; voljela sam je.
06:36
I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.
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Osjećala sam se nevjerojatno povezano sa zajednicom oko mene.
06:39
I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,
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Osjećala sam se kao da su svi sudjelovali u mojoj trudnoći, svuda oko mene,
06:42
tracking it down till the actual due-date.
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prateći me sve do datuma kada sam trebala roditi.
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.
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Osjećala sam se poput žile za budućnost čovječanstva.
06:49
That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.
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To se nastavilo i u bolnici; bilo je uistinu stimulirajuće.
06:52
I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.
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Bila sam obasuta poklonima, cvjećem i posjetiteljima.
06:55
It was a really wonderful experience,
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Bilo je to doista prekrasno iskustvo.
06:58
but when I got home,
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Ali kada sam se vratila kući,
07:00
I suddenly felt very disconnected
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iznenada sam se osjetila veoma nepovezano
07:02
and suddenly shut in and shut out,
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i iznenada zatvoreno i željna vrištanja.
07:05
and I was really surprised by those feelings.
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I bila sam uistinu iznenađena tim osjećajima.
07:07
I did expect it to be difficult,
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Očekivala sam da će biti teško,
07:09
have sleepless nights, constant feedings,
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da će biti neprospavanih noći, neprekidnog hranjenja,
07:11
but I did not expect the feelings
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ali nisam očekivala osjećaje
07:13
of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,
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izolacije i usamljenosti koje sam iskusila.
07:16
and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,
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I bila sam doista iznenađena kako nitko nije pričao samnom,
07:18
that I was going to be feeling this way.
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kako ću se osjećati tako.
07:20
And I called my sister
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I nazvala sam svoju sestru
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --
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s kojom sam vrlo bliska -- i koja ima troje djece --
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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i pitala sam je, "Zašto mi nisi rekla
07:27
I was going to be feeling this way,
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da ću se osjećati ovako,
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"
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da ću imati te -- osjećaje nevjerojatne izoliranosti?"
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget --
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A ona je rekla -- nikad neću zaboraviti --
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother
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"To jednostavno nije nešto što želiš reći majci
07:37
that's having a baby for the first time."
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koja ima dijete po prvi put."
07:40
RG: And of course, we think
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RG: I naravno, mi mislimo
07:42
it's precisely what you really should be saying
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da je upravo to ono što biste trebali govoriti
07:45
to mothers who have kids for the first time.
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majkama koje imaju djecu po prvi puta.
07:48
And that this, of course, one of the themes for us
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I da to, naravno, jedna od tema za nas
07:51
is that we think
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jest da mislimo
07:53
that candor and brutal honesty
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da otvorenost i brutalna iskrenost
07:55
is critical to us collectively
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je kolektivno kritična za nas
07:57
being great parents.
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da budemo odlični roditelji.
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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I teško je ne misliti
08:01
that part of what leads to this sense of isolation
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da dio toga što vodi tom osjećaju izoliranosti
08:03
is our modern world.
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jest naš moderni svijet.
08:05
So Alisa's experience is not isolated.
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Dakle, Alisino iskustvo nije izolirano.
08:07
So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed
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Dakle, vaših 58 posto majki nad kojima je provedeno istraživanje
08:09
report feelings of loneliness.
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prijavljuje osjećaje samoće.
08:11
Of those, 67 percent are most lonely
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Od njih, 67 posto je uglavnom usamljeno
08:13
when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.
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kada su njihova djeca stara od nula do pet -- vjerojatno nula do dvije godine.
08:16
In the process of preparing this,
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U procesu pripreme za to,
08:18
we looked at how some other cultures around the world
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gledali smo kako se neke druge kulture po svijetu
08:20
deal with this period of time,
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nose s tim vremenskim periodom,
08:23
because here in the Western world,
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jer ovdje u zapadnom svijetu,
08:25
less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,
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manje od 50 posto nas živi blizu naših članova obitelji,
08:28
which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.
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zbog čega je, po mom mišljenju, ovo tako težak period.
08:31
So to take one example among many:
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Dakle, da uzmemo jedan primjer između mnogih:
08:33
in Southern India
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u južnoj Indiji
08:35
there's a practice known as jholabhari,
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postoji običaj zvan jholabihari,
08:37
in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,
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u kojem se trudnice, u svom sedmom ili osmom mjesecu trudnoće,
08:40
moves in with her mother
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presele kod svoje majke
08:42
and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,
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i prolaze kroz nizove rituala i ceremonija,
08:44
give birth and returns home to her nuclear family
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rađaju i vraćaju se kući, svojoj nuklearnoj obitelji
08:47
several months after the child is born.
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nekoliko mjeseci nakon što je dijete rođeno.
08:49
And this is one of many ways
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A to je jedan od mnogo načina
08:51
that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.
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na koji, mi mislimo, druge kulture zasjenjuju tu vrstu perioda usamljenosti.
08:54
AV: So taboo number three:
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AV: Dakle, tabu broj tri:
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.
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ne možete pričati o svom pobačaju -- ali danas ću pričati o svom.
08:59
So after we had Declan,
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Dakle, nakon što smo imali Declana,
09:01
we kind of recalibrated our expectations.
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na neki smo način rekalibrirali naša očekivanja.
09:03
We thought we actually could go through this again
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Mislimo smo zapravo da možemo proći kroz to ponovno
09:06
and thought we knew what we would be up against.
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i mislili smo kako znamo s čim ćemo se nositi.
09:09
And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,
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I bili smo zahvalni što sam ja ponovno zatrudnjela.
09:12
and I soon learned that we were having a boy,
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I ubrzo sam saznala kako ćemo dobiti dječaka.
09:14
and then when I was five months,
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I zatim kada sam bila trudna pet mjeseci,
09:16
we learned that we had lost our child.
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saznali smo kako smo izgubili naše dijete.
09:18
This is actually the last little image we have of him.
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Ovo je zapravo posljednja slika njega koju imamo.
09:22
And it was obviously a very difficult time --
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I to je bilo očito jako teško vrijeme --
09:24
really painful.
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doista bolno.
09:27
As I was working through that mourning process,
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Kako sam prolazila kroz taj proces žalovanja,
09:30
I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.
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bila sam očarana kako nisam htjela nikoga vidjeti.
09:33
I really wanted to crawl into a hole,
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Doista sam se htjela sakriti u rupu.
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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A doista sam znala kako ću se
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding community.
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ponovno uklopiti u zajednicu koja me okružuje.
09:41
And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,
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I shvaćam, mislim, način na koji sam se osjećala,
09:44
is on a really deep gut level,
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je doista na razini instinkta,
09:46
I was feeling a lot of shame
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osjećala sam mnogo srama --
09:49
and embarrassed, frankly,
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posramljena, iskreno --
09:51
that, in some respects, I had failed
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da, sam u nekim pogledima, doživjela neuspjeh
09:53
at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.
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proizvesti ono za što sam genetski predispozirana proizvesti.
09:56
And of course, it made me question,
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I naravno, to me navelo da se zapitam,
09:58
if I wasn't able to have another child,
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ukoliko neću biti sposobna imati još jedno dijete,
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage,
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što će to značiti za moj brak,
10:02
and just me as a woman.
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i samo za mene kao ženu.
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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Dakle, to je bilo veoma teško vrijeme.
10:06
As I started working through it more,
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Kako sam počela raditi više kroz to,
10:08
I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.
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počela sam puzati van iz te rupe i pričati s drugim ljudima.
10:11
I was really amazed
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Bila sam doista očarana
10:13
by all the stories that started flooding in.
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svim pričama koje su počele pritjecati.
10:15
People I interacted with daily,
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Ljudi s kojima sam dnevno komunicirala,
10:17
worked with, was friends with,
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s kojima sam radila, kojima sam bila prijatelj,
10:19
family members that I had known a long time,
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članovi obitelji koje sam poznavala dugo vremena,
10:21
had never shared with me their own stories.
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nikad nisu samnom podijelili svoje vlastite priče.
10:23
And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,
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I sjećam se kako su sve te priče potekle iz drvenarije.
10:26
and I felt like I happened upon
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i osjećala sam se kao da sam naišla na
10:28
this secret society of women that I now was a part of,
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to tajno društvo žena čiji sam dio sada bila,
10:31
which was reassuring and also really concerning.
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što je bilo uvjeravajuće ali ujedno i zaista zabrinjavajuće.
10:35
And I think,
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I mislim,
10:37
miscarriage is an invisible loss.
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pobačaj je nevidljiv gubitak.
10:39
There's not really a lot of community support around it.
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Ne postoji mnogo podrške zajednice oko toga.
10:41
There's really no ceremony,
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Nema zapravo svečanosti,
10:43
rituals, or rites.
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rituala ili obreda.
10:45
And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,
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I mislim, sa smrću, imate pogreb, slavite život,
10:48
and there's a lot of community support,
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i postoji mnogo podrške zajednice.
10:50
and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.
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I to je nešto što žene ne dobivaju s pobačajem.
10:52
RG: Which is too bad because, of course,
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RG: Što je jako loše jer, naravno,
10:54
it's a very common and very traumatic experience.
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to je jako često i jako traumatično iskustvo.
10:56
Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,
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15 do 20 posto svih trudnoća rezultira pobačajem.
10:59
and I find this astounding.
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I to mi se doima zapanjujućim.
11:01
In a survey, 74 percent of women said
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U istraživanju, 74 posto žena je reklo
11:03
that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.
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kako je pobačaj, prema njihovim osjećajima, dio njihove krivice, što je užasno.
11:06
And astoundingly, 22 percent
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I zapanjujuće, 22 posto
11:08
said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.
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je reklo kako bi sakrilo pobačaj od svog supružnika.
11:10
So taboo number four:
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Dakle, tabu broj četiri:
11:12
you can't say that your average happiness
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ne možete reći kako se vaša prosječna sreća
11:15
has declined since having a child.
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smanjila otkad ste dobili dijete.
11:18
The party line is that every single aspect of my life
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Poanta je da je svaki pojedini aspekt mog života
11:21
has just gotten dramatically better
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postao drastično bolji
11:23
ever since I participated
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otkad sam sudjelovao
11:25
in the miracle that is childbirth and family.
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u čudu koje je rođenje djeteta i obitelji.
11:29
I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,
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Nikada neću zaboraviti, sjećam se vrlo dobro sve do danas,
11:32
our first son, Declan, was nine months old,
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naš prvi sin, Declan, je bio star devet mjeseci,
11:35
and I was sitting there on the couch,
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i sjedio sam tamo na kauču,
11:37
and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."
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i čitao sam prekrasnu knjigu Daniela Gilberta, "Spoticanje na sreću."
11:40
And I got about two-thirds of the way through,
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I prošao sam dvije trećine knjige,
11:42
and there was a chart on the right-hand side --
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i s desne strane je bio grafikon --
11:45
on the right-hand page --
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s desne strane --
11:47
that we've labeled here
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koji smo označili ovdje
11:49
"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable
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"Najstrašniji zamislivi grafikon
11:51
for a New Parent."
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za novog roditelja."
11:53
This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.
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Ovaj grafikon sadrži četiri potpuno neovisna istraživanja.
11:56
Basically, there's this precipitous drop
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U osnovi, tu je taj strmoglavi pad
11:59
of marital satisfaction,
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bračnog zadovoljstva,
12:01
which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,
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koji je usko povezan, svi znamo, sa širom srećom,
12:04
that doesn't rise again
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koji ne raste ponovno
12:06
until your first child goes to college.
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sve dok vaše prvo dijete ne ode na studij.
12:09
So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,
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Dakle, tako ja sjedim ovdje i promatram iduća dva desetljeća svog života,
12:12
this chasm of happiness
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taj ponor sreće
12:14
that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.
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u koji ravno vozimo s našim metaforičkim kabrioletom.
12:17
We were despondent.
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Bili smo utučeni.
12:20
AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,
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AV: Dakle, možete zamisliti, mislim ponovno, prvih nekoliko mjeseci je bilo teško,
12:22
but we'd come out of it,
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ali izvukli bi se iz toga,
12:24
and were really shocked to see this study.
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i doista smo bili šokirani kada smo vidjeli to istraživanje.
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it
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Stoga smo doista htjeli podrobnije to pogledati
12:29
in hopes that we would find a silver lining.
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u nadi da ćemo pronaći srebrnu podstavu.
12:31
RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,
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RG: I tada je super kada vodite web stranicu za roditelje,
12:33
because we got this incredible reporter
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jer smo dobili tu nevjerojatnu reporterku
12:36
to go and interview all the scientists
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koja je otišla i intervjuirala sve znanstvenike
12:39
who conducted these four studies.
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koji su proveli ta četiri istraživanja.
12:41
We said, something is wrong here.
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Rekli smo, nešto ovdje nije u redu.
12:43
There's something missing from these studies.
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Nešto nedostaje iz tih istraživanja.
12:45
It can't possibly be that bad.
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Nije moguće da je tako loše.
12:49
So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,
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Dakle, Liz Mitchell je napravila prekrasan posao s tim radom.
12:52
and she interviewed four scientists,
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I intervjuirala je četiri znanstvenika,
12:55
and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,
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i ujedno je intervjuirala je Daniela Gilberta.
12:57
and we did indeed find a silver lining.
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I doista smo pronašli srebrnu podstavu.
12:59
So this is our guess
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Dakle, ovo je naša pretpostavka
13:01
as to what this baseline of average happiness
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kako osnova te prosječne sreće
13:04
arguably looks like throughout life.
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vjerojatno izgleda kroz život.
13:06
Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,
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Prosječna sreća je, naravno, neprikladna,
13:08
because it doesn't speak
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jer ne govori
13:10
to the moment-by-moment experience,
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o iskustvu trenutka.
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks like
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I mislimo da izgleda ovako
13:15
when you layer in
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kada stavite sloj
13:17
moment-to-moment experience.
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iskustva pojedinog trenutka.
13:20
And so we all remember as children,
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I svi se sjećamo kao djeca,
13:22
the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --
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najmanjih malih stvari -- i vidimo ih na licima naše djece --
13:25
the teeniest little thing
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najmanja mala stvar
13:27
can just rocket them to these heights
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ih može lansirati u te visine
13:29
of just utter adulation,
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jednostavnog laskanja,
13:31
and then the next teeniest little thing
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a zatim ih iduća najmanja mala stvar
13:33
can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.
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može odvesti u dubine očaja.
13:35
And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.
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I to je jednostavno nevjerojatno promatrati, i sjećamo ih se i sami.
13:38
And then, of course, as you get older,
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I zatim, naravno, kako starite,
13:40
it's almost like age is a form of lithium.
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čini se kao da je dob jedna vrsta litija.
13:42
As you get older, you become more stable.
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Kako postajete stariji, tako postajete stabilniji.
13:45
And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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I dio toga što se događa, mislim, u vašim 20-im i 30-im,
13:48
is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.
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jest da počnete ograđivati vašu sreću.
13:50
You start to realize that
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Počinjete shvaćati da
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live music event
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"Hej, mogao bih ići na taj koncert
13:55
and have an utterly transforming experience
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i imati potpuno transformirajuće iskustvo
13:57
that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,
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od kojeg će se cijelo moje tijelo naježiti,
14:00
but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic
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ali više je izgledno da ću se osjećati klaustrofobično
14:02
and I won't be able to get a beer.
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i neću moći dobiti pivu.
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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Stoga neću ići.
14:07
I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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Imam dobar stereo kod kuće. Stoga, neću ići."
14:10
So your average happiness goes up,
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Dakle, vaša prosječna sreća raste,
14:13
but you lose those transcendent moments.
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ali izgubite te uzvišene trenutke.
14:15
AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,
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AV: Da, i zatim dobijete svoje prvo dijete.
14:18
and then you really resubmit yourself
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I zatim ponovno predajete sebe
14:20
to these highs and lows --
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tim usponima i padovima --
14:22
the highs being the first steps, the first smile,
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usponi koji su prvi koraci, prvi osmijeh,
14:25
your child reading to you for the first time --
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kada vaše dijete čita po prvi puta --
14:27
the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.
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padovi su naša kuća bilo kada između šest i sedam svake večeri.
14:32
But you realize you resubmit yourself
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Ali shvatite da predajete sebe
14:34
to losing control in a really wonderful way,
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gubitku kontrole na uistinu prekrasan način,
14:37
which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives
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koji, mi mislimo, pruža mnogo smisla našim životima
14:39
and is quite gratifying.
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i prilično je zahvalan.
14:41
RG: And so in effect,
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RG: I tako kao posljedicu,
14:43
we trade average happiness.
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mi trgujemo prosječnom srećom.
14:45
We trade the sort of security and safety
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Trgujemo tom vrstom sigurnosti
14:47
of a certain level of contentment
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određene razine zadovoljstva
14:49
for these transcendent moments.
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za te uzvišene trenutke.
14:52
So where does that leave the two of us
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Dakle, gdje to ostavlja nas dvoje
14:54
as a family with our three little boys
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u obitelji s tri mala dječaka
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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u svemu ovome?
14:58
There's another factor in our case.
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Postoji još jedan čimbenik u našem slučaju.
15:00
We have violated yet another taboo
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Prekršili smo još jedan tabu
15:02
in our own lives,
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u našim životima.
15:04
and this is a bonus taboo.
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A to je bonus tabu.
15:07
AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,
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AV: Brzi bonus tabu za vas, kako ne bismo smjeli raditi zajedno,
15:10
especially with three children --
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naročito s troje djece --
15:12
and we are.
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a mi radimo.
15:14
RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.
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RG: I bili smo ispočetka malo suzdržani oko toga.
15:17
Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.
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Svi znaju, apsolutno ne bi smio raditi sa svojim suprožnikom.
15:20
In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,
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Zapravo, kada smo prvi put otišli prikupljat novac kako bi započeli Babble,
15:23
the venture capitalists said,
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ulagači su rekli,
15:25
"We categorically don't invest
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"Mi kategorično ne ulažemo
15:27
in companies founded by husbands and wives,
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u kompanije koje su osnovane od muževa i žena,
15:29
because there's an extra point of failure.
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jer postoji dodatni preduvjet neuspjeha.
15:31
It's a bad idea. Don't do it."
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To je loša ideja. Nemojte to činiti."
15:33
And we obviously went forward. We did.
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I mi smo očito krenuli s tim. Jesmo.
15:35
We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,
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Prikupili smo novac, i uzbuđeni smo što jesmo,
15:38
because in this phase of one's life,
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jer u toj fazi života,
15:40
the incredibly scarce resource is time.
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nevjerojatno oskudan resurs je vrijeme.
15:43
And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --
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A ako ste doista strastveni oko toga što radite svaki dan -- što mi jesmo --
15:46
and you're also passionate about your relationship,
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i ujedno ste strastveni o svojoj vezi,
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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to je jedini način na koji znamo raditi.
15:51
And so the final question that we would ask is:
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I stoga je posljednje pitanje koje bismo postavili:
15:53
can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?
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možemo li zajedno iskriviti taj grafikon sreće prema gore?
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,
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Odlično je to što imamo te uzvišene trenutke veselja,
15:59
but they're sometimes pretty quick.
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ali oni su nekad prilično brzi.
16:02
And so how about that average baseline of happiness?
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A što je s tom prosječnom osnovom sreće?
16:05
Can we move that up a little bit?
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Možemo li to malo pomaknuti gore?
16:07
AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,
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AV: I pomalo osjećamo da taj jaz sreće, o kojem smo pričali,
16:10
is really the result of walking into parenting --
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je zapravo rezultat ulaska u roditeljstvo --
16:12
and really any long-term partnership for that matter --
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i zapravo svako dugoročno partnerstvo za tu svrhu --
16:14
with the wrong expectations.
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s krivim očekivanjima.
16:16
And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,
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A ako imate prava očekivanja i upravljanje očekivanjima,
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.
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osjećamo kako će to biti prilično zahvalno iskustvo.
16:22
RG: And so this is what --
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RG: I dakle, to je ono što --
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents,
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I mislimo kako mnogi roditelji,
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case anyway --
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kada uđete u to -- bar u našem slučaju --
16:28
you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.
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spakirate svoje torbe za put u Europu, i doista ste uzbuđeni što idete.
16:31
Get out of the airplane,
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Izađete iz aviona,
16:33
it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.
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ispostavi se da planinarite u Nepalu.
16:35
And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,
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A planinarenje u Nepalu je nevjerojatno iskustvo,
16:38
particularly if you pack your bags properly
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naročito ako spakirate svoje torbe prikladno
16:40
and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.
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i znate što vas čeka i psihički ste spremni.
16:42
So the point of all this for us today
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Poanta svega toga za nas danas
16:44
is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,
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nije samo iskrenost radi iskrenosti,
16:47
but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,
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već nada da ako budemo iskreniji i otvoreniji o tim iskustvima,
16:50
that we can all collectively
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tada svi zajedno možemo
16:52
bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.
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pomaknuti tu osnovu sreće malo prema gore.
16:55
RG + AV: Thank you.
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RG + AV: Hvala vam.
16:57
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-foundersRufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.
Why you should listen
Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.
Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com