ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.

Why you should listen

Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.

Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.

More profile about the speaker
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2010

Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Let's talk parenting taboos

鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom和阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman:让我们说说育儿的禁忌

Filmed:
2,430,863 views

Babble.com的出版者鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom和阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman, 这对活泼的夫妻搭档用诙谐幽默坦诚的讲话向已是父母和还不是父母的人们展示了4个为人父母常常不肯承认但是应该承认的事实。
- Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:18
Alisa阿利萨 Volkman沃克曼: So this is where our story故事 begins开始 --
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阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman: 我们的故事是从这里开始的
00:21
the dramatic戏剧性 moments瞬间 of the birth分娩
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富有戏剧性的一刻
00:23
of our first son儿子, Declan戴克澜.
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我们的儿子德克兰Declan出生了。
00:25
Obviously明显 a really profound深刻 moment时刻,
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显然这的确是一个非常重要的时刻,
00:27
and it changed our lives生活 in many许多 ways方法.
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它从各个方面改变了我们的生活。
00:29
It also changed our lives生活 in many许多 unexpected意外 ways方法,
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它对我们的生活产生了很多没有预料到的改变,
00:31
and those unexpected意外 ways方法 we later后来 reflected反射的 on,
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这些改变后来影响着我们,
00:34
that eventually终于 spawned催生 a business商业 idea理念 between之间 the two of us,
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最终导致我们两个产生了一个新的商务想法,
00:36
and a year later后来, we launched推出 Babble潺潺,
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一年以后, 我们启动了Babble
00:38
a website网站 for parents父母.
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一个给家长的网页。
00:40
Rufus鲁弗斯 Griscom格里斯科姆: Now I think of our story故事
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鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom; 现在我想想, 我们的故事
00:42
as starting开始 a few少数 years年份 earlier. AVAV: That's true真正.
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其实是几年前就开始了。 ( AV:那是真的。)
00:45
RGRG: You may可能 remember记得, we fell下跌 head over heels脚跟 in love.
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RG:你也许记得, 我们那时彻头彻尾地相爱。
00:48
AVAV: We did.
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AV:是的。
00:50
RGRG: We were at the time running赛跑 a very different不同 kind of website网站.
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RG:那个时候我们在运作一个非常不同的网页。
00:52
It was a website网站 called Nerve神经.comCOM,
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它叫做:Nerve.com
00:54
the tagline标语 of which哪一个 was "literate识字 smut黑穗病."
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它的标题是有关“色情文学”。
00:57
It was in theory理论, and hopefully希望 in practice实践,
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我们希望它在理论上, 或者实践上也是,
01:00
a smart聪明 online线上 magazine杂志
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一个睿智地讲述
01:02
about sex性别 and culture文化.
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性和文化的时髦网络杂志。
01:05
AVAV: That spawned催生 a dating约会 site现场.
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AV:这个杂志催生出了一个约会网。
01:08
But you can understand理解 the jokes笑话 that we get. Sex性别 begets相生 babies婴儿.
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但是你们可能理解我们的玩笑了:性招致婴儿的到来。
01:10
You follow跟随 instructions说明 on Nerve神经 and you should end结束 up on Babble潺潺,
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你按Nerve上的说明行事,结果就是得到个小孩,
01:13
which哪一个 we did.
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这就发生在我们身上。
01:15
And we might威力 launch发射 a geriatric老年 site现场 as our third第三. We'll see.
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我们还很可能建立一个老年网,等着瞧吧。
01:19
RGRG: But for us, the continuity连续性 between之间 Nerve神经 and Babble潺潺
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RG: 但是对我们来说, Nerve和 Babble之间的传承
01:22
was not just the life stage阶段 thing,
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不只是生活中的不同阶段,
01:24
which哪一个 is, of course课程, relevant相应,
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当然,它们是相关的,
01:26
but it was really more about
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但事实上它们更多地意味着
01:28
our desire欲望 to speak说话 very honestly老老实实
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我们渴望诚实地讲述
01:30
about subjects主题 that people have difficulty困难 speaking请讲 honestly老老实实 about.
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很多在人们看来非常困难诚实表述的话题。
01:33
It seems似乎 to us that
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我们觉得
01:35
when people start开始 dissembling拆解, people start开始 lying说谎 about things,
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当人们掩饰的时候, 人们开始撒谎,
01:38
that's when it gets得到 really interesting有趣.
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这个现象很有意思,
01:40
That's a subject学科 that we want to dive潜水 into.
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这是我们想要深入的话题。
01:42
And we've我们已经 been surprised诧异 to find, as young年轻 parents父母,
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而我们吃惊地发现, 作为年轻的父母,
01:44
that there are almost几乎 more taboos禁忌 around parenting育儿
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为人父母的禁忌
01:47
than there are around sex性别.
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居然比性的禁忌还多。
01:49
AVAV: It's true真正. So like we said,
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AV:真的, 如我们所说,
01:51
the early years年份 were really wonderful精彩,
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最初的几年真的是很美好,
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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但有时也很困难。
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty困难
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而我们觉得某些困难
01:57
was because of this false advertisement广告 around parenting育儿.
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是因为那些围绕着为人父母的错误广告造成的。
02:00
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
02:02
We subscribed认购 to a lot of magazines杂志, did our homework家庭作业,
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我们订了很多杂志, 做了我们的功课,
02:05
but really everywhere到处 you look around, we were surrounded包围 by images图片 like this.
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但是我们看到的每个地方, 我们都被这样的图片包围着。
02:08
And we went into parenting育儿
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我们就是这样进入家长期的
02:10
expecting期待 our lives生活 to look like this.
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并期望我们的生活也看着跟这些照片似的。
02:12
The sun太阳 was always streaming in, and our children孩子 would never be crying哭了.
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阳光永远照耀, 我们的孩子从来不哭闹。
02:15
I would always be perfectly完美 coiffed做头发 and well rested休息,
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我常常做好的发型几近完美,并总能得到充分的休息。
02:19
and in fact事实, it was not like that at all.
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但事实上, 我压根儿不是那样的。
02:21
RGRG: When we lowered降低 the glossy光滑 parenting育儿 magazine杂志
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RG:当我们放下这些光鲜的家长杂志
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful美丽 images图片,
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放下那些美丽的图片,
02:26
and looked看着 at the scene现场 in our actual实际 living活的 room房间,
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看着我们客厅里的实际景象,
02:28
it looked看着 a little bit more like this.
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这才是实际情况。
02:30
These are our three sons儿子.
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这是我们的三个儿子。
02:32
And of course课程, they're not always crying哭了 and screaming尖叫,
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当然,他们并不总是哭闹叫喊。
02:34
but with three boys男孩, there's a decent正经 probability可能性
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但是, 三个男孩,很可能的情况是
02:36
that at least最小 one of them will not be comportingcomporting himself他自己
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至少其中一个表现不好
02:38
exactly究竟 as he should.
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正如他本该表现的那样。
02:40
AVAV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect断开 was happening事件 for us.
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AV:是的, 你可以看到, 发生在我们身上的截然不同的育儿经历。
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting期待
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我们真的感到我们期望的
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually其实 experiencing经历,
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和我们实际体验的没有任何关系。
02:49
and so we decided决定 we really wanted to give it to parents父母 straight直行.
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所以我们决定要给准备为人父母的人们更直接的认识。
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand理解
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我们真的希望用诚实的方式让他们懂得
02:55
what the realities现实 of parenting育儿 were in an honest诚实 way.
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为人父母的现实状况。
02:58
RGRG: So today今天, what we would love to do
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RG:所以今天, 我们喜欢做的事情
03:00
is share分享 with you four parenting育儿 taboos禁忌.
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就是跟你们分享做父母的四个禁忌。
03:03
And of course课程, there are many许多 more than four things
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当然, 做父母的禁忌远远
03:05
you can't say about parenting育儿,
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不止四个。
03:07
but we would like to share分享 with you today今天
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但我们今天跟你分享四个
03:09
four that are particularly尤其 relevant相应 for us personally亲自.
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和我们个人有关的四个禁忌。
03:12
So the first, taboo忌讳 number one:
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第一个禁忌:
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall秋季 in love with your baby宝宝
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你不能说你没有在你孩子出生的第一
03:18
in the very first minute分钟.
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分钟就爱上了你的孩子。
03:20
I remember记得 vividly生动地, sitting坐在 there in the hospital醫院.
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我清楚地记得, 坐在医院那儿。
03:23
We were in the process处理 of giving birth分娩 to our first child儿童.
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我们经历着我们第一个孩子分娩的过程。
03:26
AVAV: We, or I?
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AV:我们, 还是我?
03:28
RGRG: I'm sorry.
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RG:对不起
03:30
Misuse滥用 of the pronoun代词.
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我用错了代词。
03:32
Alisa阿利萨 was very generously慷慨 in the process处理
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阿里萨Alisa 非常慷慨地经历着我们第一个
03:34
of giving birth分娩 to our first child儿童 -- (AVAV: Thank you.)
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孩子的分娩过程--( AV:谢谢。)
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's接球手 mitt手套.
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我在那里戴着接生手套,
03:38
And I was there with my arms武器 open打开.
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张口双臂。
03:40
The nurse护士 was coming未来 at me
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护士朝我走来
03:42
with this beautiful美丽, beautiful美丽 child儿童,
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手里抱着一个非常漂亮的孩子。
03:44
and I remember记得, as she was approaching接近 me,
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我记得当她朝我走来时,
03:46
the voices声音 of friends朋友 saying,
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一个朋友的声音告诉我说:
03:49
"The moment时刻 they put the baby宝宝 in your hands,
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“当你抱着新生儿的那一刻,
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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你会感到爱环绕着你,
03:54
that is [on] an order订购 of magnitude大小 more powerful强大
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这种力量是你今生今世
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced有经验的 in your entire整个 life."
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从来没有经历过的。”
03:59
So I was bracing支撑 myself for the moment时刻.
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所以我张口双臂等待拥抱的这一刻。
04:01
The baby宝宝 was coming未来,
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孩子出生了,
04:03
and I was ready准备 for this Mack麦克 truck卡车 of love
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而我也准备好了让这强大的爱
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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将我全全包围。
04:08
And instead代替, when the baby宝宝 was placed放置 in my hands,
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然而相反, 当护士将孩子送到我手里的时候,
04:11
it was an extraordinary非凡 moment时刻.
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那是特殊的一刻。
04:13
This picture图片 is from literally按照字面 a few少数 seconds after
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在孩子出生后几秒钟拍的这张照片里,
04:16
the baby宝宝 was placed放置 in my hands and I brought him over.
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他们把孩子放到我的手里, 我把他抱过来。
04:19
And you can see, our eyes眼睛 were glistening闪闪发光.
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你们可以看见, 我们的眼睛闪烁着光芒。
04:21
I was overwhelmed不堪重负 with love and affection感情 for my wife妻子,
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我的心中充满了对我的妻子的爱,
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude感谢
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和深深的感谢,
04:26
that we had what appeared出现 to be a healthy健康 child儿童.
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感谢我们得到了一个健康的孩子。
04:28
And it was also, of course课程, surreal超现实主义.
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这一切仿佛还不真切。
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags标签 and make sure.
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我是说, 我得查看孩子的标签来确定。
04:32
I was incredulous怀疑的, "Are you sure this is our child儿童?"
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我怀疑说:“你确定这是我们的孩子吗?”
04:34
And this was all quite相当 remarkable卓越.
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那是非常不寻常的一刻。
04:37
But what I felt towards the child儿童 at that moment时刻 was deep affection感情,
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但是那一刻我对孩子的感情是深深的爱,
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years年份 later后来.
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但是那种感受和五年后也就是我现在
04:43
And so we've我们已经 doneDONE something here
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对他的感受不可相提并论,
04:45
that is heretical.
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我们做了件很邪乎的事情。
04:47
We have charted绘制
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我们用图表
04:50
our love for our child儿童 over time.
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记录了我们对孩子的爱。
04:53
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act法案 of heresy异端.
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你知道, 这个行为挺邪乎的。
04:58
You're not allowed允许 to chart图表 love.
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用图表来记录爱是不可思议的事情。
05:00
The reason原因 you're not allowed允许 to chart图表 love
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而大家不记录爱的原因
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary二进制 thing.
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是因为我们认为爱是二进制的东西。
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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你要么爱,要么不爱。
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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你爱, 还是不爱。
05:08
And I think the reality现实 is that love is a process处理,
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而我认为其实爱是一个过程。
05:11
and I think the problem问题 with thinking思维 of love
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我觉得把爱看成是二进制
05:13
as something that's binary二进制
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是有问题的,
05:15
is that it causes原因 us
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它会促使我们
05:17
to be unduly过度地 concerned关心
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过分担心
05:19
that love is fraudulent骗人的, or inadequate不足, or what have you.
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爱是虚伪的,不充分的, 或者你到底爱了什么。
05:22
And I think I'm speaking请讲 obviously明显 here to the father's父亲的 experience经验.
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我想我现在是代表父亲的经验在说话。
05:25
But I think a lot of men男人 do go through通过 this sense
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但是我想很多男人都经历过这种感觉
05:27
in the early months个月, maybe their first year,
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在最初的几个月里, 或者第一年
05:30
that their emotional情绪化 response响应 is inadequate不足 in some fashion时尚.
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他们的感情反应从某种形式上来看是不够的。
05:33
AVAV: Well, I'm glad高兴 Rufus鲁弗斯 is bringing使 this up,
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AV: 我很高兴鲁弗斯Rufus提到这一点,
05:35
because you can notice注意 where he dips骤降 in the first years年份
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因为你们可以看见他对孩子的爱在第一年是下降的
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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那会儿我觉得几乎所有的活都是我干的。
05:41
But we like to joke玩笑,
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但是我们喜欢开玩笑,
05:43
in the first few少数 months个月 of all of our children's儿童 lives生活,
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在我们几个孩子最初的几个月里,
05:45
this is Uncle叔叔 Rufus鲁弗斯.
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我们叫他:鲁弗斯Rufus叔叔。
05:47
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
05:49
RGRG: I'm a very affectionate亲热 uncle叔叔, very affectionate亲热 uncle叔叔.
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RG:我是个很亲昵的叔叔, 非常深情。
05:51
AVAV: Yes, and I often经常 joke玩笑 with Rufus鲁弗斯 when he comes home
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AV:是的, 我常常和他开玩笑说
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually其实 be able能够 to find our child儿童 in a line-up排队
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如果我把咱们的孩子和其他孩子排成一排
05:57
amongst其中包括 other babies婴儿.
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他是否能把他认出来。
05:59
So I actually其实 threw a pop流行的 quiz测验 here onto Rufus鲁弗斯.
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所以我这里给鲁弗斯Rufus出一个突击测验。
06:01
RGRG: Uh oh.
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RG:啊噢
06:03
AVAV: I don't want to embarrass阻碍 him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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AV:我不想让他感到太尴尬, 但是我会问他三秒钟。
06:06
RGRG: That is not fair公平. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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RG:这不公平, 这问题有鬼, 他不在里面,是吗?
06:09
AVAV: Our eight-week-old八周龄 son儿子 is somewhere某处 in here,
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AV:我们八个礼拜的儿子在这里面。
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus鲁弗斯 can actually其实 quickly很快 identify鉴定 him.
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我想看看鲁弗斯Rfufus 是不是能很快地找到他。
06:14
RGRG: The far left. AVAV: No!
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RG:最左面那个 (AV:不是!)
06:16
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
06:23
RGRG: Cruel残忍.
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RG:残忍啊!
06:25
AVAV: Nothing more to be said.
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AV: 我没什么可说的了。
06:27
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
06:29
I'll move移动 on to taboo忌讳 number two.
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我来说说第二个禁忌。
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely孤独 having a baby宝宝 can be.
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你不能说有个孩子可能会让你感到孤独。
06:34
I enjoyed享受 being存在 pregnant. I loved喜爱 it.
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我喜欢怀孕, 我热爱怀孕。
06:36
I felt incredibly令人难以置信 connected连接的 to the community社区 around me.
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我感到和我周围的社区紧密相连。
06:39
I felt like everyone大家 was participating参与 in my pregnancy怀孕, all around me,
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我感到好像每个人都参与了我的怀孕过程,
06:42
tracking追踪 it down till直到 the actual实际 due-date截止日期.
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直到生产的最后一天他们一直在为我算着日子。
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel船只 of the future未来 of humanity人性.
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我觉得我就是一个承载未来人类的容器。
06:49
That continued继续 into the the hospital醫院. It was really exhilarating令人振奋.
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这种感觉一直带到医院, 真是挺来劲的。
06:52
I was shower淋浴 with gifts礼品 and flowers花卉 and visitors游客.
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大家来看我,送礼物,鲜花。
06:55
It was a really wonderful精彩 experience经验,
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那可真是非常美好的经验。
06:58
but when I got home,
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但是当我回到家后,
07:00
I suddenly突然 felt very disconnected断开的
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我突然感到非常隔绝
07:02
and suddenly突然 shut关闭 in and shut关闭 out,
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突然被关闭起来了。
07:05
and I was really surprised诧异 by those feelings情怀.
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我对这种感觉感到奇怪。
07:07
I did expect期望 it to be difficult,
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我也预料会比较困难,
07:09
have sleepless无眠 nights, constant不变 feedings喂食,
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会有不眠之夜,不断地哺乳,
07:11
but I did not expect期望 the feelings情怀
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但是我没想到我会
07:13
of isolation隔离 and loneliness孤单 that I experienced有经验的,
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感到隔绝和孤独。
07:16
and I was really surprised诧异 that no one had talked to me,
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而我也很奇怪没有人告诉我,
07:18
that I was going to be feeling感觉 this way.
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我会有这样的感觉。
07:20
And I called my sister妹妹
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我打电话给我姐姐
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children孩子 --
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她跟我很亲近, 已经有了三个孩子,
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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我问她:“你怎么不告诉我会
07:27
I was going to be feeling感觉 this way,
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有这种感觉,
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling感觉 incredibly令人难以置信 isolated孤立?"
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我会有这种非常隔绝的感觉?”
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget忘记 --
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她的回答我永远不会忘记, 她说:
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother母亲
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“ 这不是你应该对一个第一次
07:37
that's having a baby宝宝 for the first time."
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当母亲的人要说的话。”
07:40
RGRG: And of course课程, we think
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RG:当然,我们觉得
07:42
it's precisely恰恰 what you really should be saying
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这正是你应该告诉第一次
07:45
to mothers母亲 who have kids孩子 for the first time.
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做母亲的人的话。
07:48
And that this, of course课程, one of the themes主题 for us
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而这个,我们的主题之一
07:51
is that we think
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就是我们认为
07:53
that candor直率 and brutal野蛮 honesty诚实
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直率和残酷坦诚
07:55
is critical危急 to us collectively
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对我们成为好家长
07:57
being存在 great parents父母.
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至关重要。
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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而且我们很难不把
08:01
that part部分 of what leads引线 to this sense of isolation隔离
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导致这种隔绝的部分原因
08:03
is our modern现代 world世界.
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与现代社会连系起来。
08:05
So Alisa's阿利萨的 experience经验 is not isolated孤立.
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所以阿里萨Alisa的感受不是个别人的感受。
08:07
So your 58 percent百分 of mothers母亲 surveyed调查
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58%的母亲在调查中
08:09
report报告 feelings情怀 of loneliness孤单.
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报告感到孤独。
08:11
Of those, 67 percent百分 are most lonely孤独
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其中, 67%的人在孩子0到5岁
08:13
when their kids孩子 are zero to five -- probably大概 really zero to two.
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或很可能0到2岁的时候最孤独。
08:16
In the process处理 of preparing准备 this,
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在准备这个讲话的过程中
08:18
we looked看着 at how some other cultures文化 around the world世界
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我们了解了世界上其他文化是如何
08:20
deal合同 with this period of time,
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应付这个阶段的,
08:23
because here in the Western西 world世界,
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因为在西方
08:25
less than 50 percent百分 of us live生活 near our family家庭 members会员,
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几乎50%的人都不住在娘家附近,
08:28
which哪一个 I think is part部分 of why this is such这样 a tough强硬 period.
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我认为这就是为什么这个阶段很难过。
08:31
So to take one example among其中 many许多:
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举例来说:
08:33
in Southern南部的 India印度
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在南印度,
08:35
there's a practice实践 known已知 as jholabharijholabhari,
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有个叫jholabihari的习俗,
08:37
in which哪一个 the pregnant woman女人, when she's seven or eight months个月 pregnant,
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当孕妇怀孕7,8个月后
08:40
moves移动 in with her mother母亲
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就会搬到她母亲那里去
08:42
and goes through通过 a series系列 of rituals仪式 and ceremonies仪式,
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在母亲家经历了一系列的庆祝仪式,
08:44
give birth分娩 and returns回报 home to her nuclear family家庭
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在生完孩子几个月后才回到
08:47
several一些 months个月 after the child儿童 is born天生.
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自己的小家庭。
08:49
And this is one of many许多 ways方法
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这是我们认为其他文化弥补
08:51
that we think other cultures文化 offset抵消 this kind of lonely孤独 period.
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产妇在这一孤独阶段的手段。
08:54
AVAV: So taboo忌讳 number three:
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AV:第三个禁忌是
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage流产 -- but today今天 I'll talk about mine.
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你不能谈你流产的事情,但是今天我要来讲讲我的经历。
08:59
So after we had Declan戴克澜,
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我们有了德克兰Declan以后,
09:01
we kind of recalibrated重新校准 our expectations期望.
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我们重新调整了我们的期望。
09:03
We thought we actually其实 could go through通过 this again
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我们的确想要第二个孩子,
09:06
and thought we knew知道 what we would be up against反对.
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我们认为我们已经知道我们面对的是什么了。
09:09
And we were grateful感激 that I was able能够 to get pregnant,
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我们也很感激我又能怀上孩子。
09:12
and I soon不久 learned学到了 that we were having a boy男孩,
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很快我就得知我们会有一个男孩。
09:14
and then when I was five months个月,
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而我怀孕5个月的时候,
09:16
we learned学到了 that we had lost丢失 our child儿童.
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我发现我们的孩子没了。
09:18
This is actually其实 the last little image图片 we have of him.
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这是我们有关他的最后一张照片。
09:22
And it was obviously明显 a very difficult time --
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显然那是非常困难的一段时间
09:24
really painful痛苦.
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非常痛苦。
09:27
As I was working加工 through通过 that mourning process处理,
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在我哀痛的过程中,
09:30
I was amazed吃惊 that I didn't want to see anybody任何人.
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我吃惊地发现我不想见任何人。
09:33
I really wanted to crawl爬行 into a hole,
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我只想爬到一个洞穴中去。
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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我不知道我怎样回到
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding周围 community社区.
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自己周围的社群中去。
09:41
And I realize实现, I think, the way I was feeling感觉 that way,
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我认识到, 我的那种种感受
09:44
is on a really deep gut肠道 level水平,
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都带有很深的负罪感,
09:46
I was feeling感觉 a lot of shame耻辱
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我感到非常羞辱
09:49
and embarrassed尴尬, frankly坦率地说,
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尴尬, 坦白说
09:51
that, in some respects尊重, I had failed失败
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从某种角度来说, 我觉得我没有
09:53
at delivering交付 what I'm genetically基因 engineered工程 to do.
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能够完成我天生造就我应该能做的事情。
09:56
And of course课程, it made制作 me question,
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当然,这使我也疑惑
09:58
if I wasn't able能够 to have another另一个 child儿童,
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如果我不能再生孩子,
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage婚姻,
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那这对我们的婚姻意味着什么,
10:02
and just me as a woman女人.
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我怎样才算一个合格的女人。
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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所以那段时间很难。
10:06
As I started开始 working加工 through通过 it more,
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当我开始着手应付它的时候,
10:08
I started开始 climbing攀登 out of that hole and talking with other people.
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我开始爬出洞穴与人交谈。
10:11
I was really amazed吃惊
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我真的很吃惊
10:13
by all the stories故事 that started开始 flooding洪水 in.
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那些故事像洪水般涌来。
10:15
People I interacted互动 with daily日常,
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那些每天跟我交往的人
10:17
worked工作 with, was friends朋友 with,
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一起工作的人, 朋友们
10:19
family家庭 members会员 that I had known已知 a long time,
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我认识了很久的亲戚们
10:21
had never shared共享 with me their own拥有 stories故事.
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从来没有跟我讲过她们的故事。
10:23
And I just remember记得 feeling感觉 all these stories故事 came来了 out of the woodwork木制品,
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我只觉得这些故事好象是从地缝里冒出来似的。
10:26
and I felt like I happened发生 upon
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我发现自己撞进
10:28
this secret秘密 society社会 of women妇女 that I now was a part部分 of,
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了这个秘密的妇女组织,
10:31
which哪一个 was reassuring令人欣慰 and also really concerning关于.
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这让我刚到既放心又担心。
10:35
And I think,
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我想
10:37
miscarriage流产 is an invisible无形 loss失利.
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流产是一个隐形的损失。
10:39
There's not really a lot of community社区 support支持 around it.
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它没有得到很多社区的支持。
10:41
There's really no ceremony仪式,
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它没有典礼,
10:43
rituals仪式, or rites仪式.
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没有仪式。
10:45
And I think, with a death死亡, you have a funeral葬礼, you celebrate庆祝 the life,
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我想, 如果人死, 那有葬礼, 颂扬一生,
10:48
and there's a lot of community社区 support支持,
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会得到很多社区的支持。
10:50
and it's something women妇女 don't have with miscarriage流产.
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但是妇女流产不会得到同样的待遇。
10:52
RGRG: Which哪一个 is too bad because, of course课程,
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RG:当然, 这是很糟糕的,
10:54
it's a very common共同 and very traumatic创伤 experience经验.
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其实这是很常见和伤害很大的经历。
10:56
Fifteen十五 to 20 percent百分 of all pregnancies怀孕 result结果 in miscarriage流产,
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流产的比率是百分之15 到20。
10:59
and I find this astounding惊人.
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令我吃惊的是
11:01
In a survey调查, 74 percent百分 of women妇女 said
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调查表明, 百分之74的妇女说
11:03
that miscarriage流产, they felt, was partly部分地 their fault故障, which哪一个 is awful可怕.
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她们感到流产是由于她们的过错,真太可怕了。
11:06
And astoundingly令人叹为观止, 22 percent百分
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更令人吃惊的是, 百分之22
11:08
said they would hide隐藏 a miscarriage流产 from their spouse伴侣.
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的人说, 她们对她们的丈夫隐瞒流产的事情。
11:10
So taboo忌讳 number four:
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第四个禁忌是
11:12
you can't say that your average平均 happiness幸福
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你不能说你日常的快乐感
11:15
has declined下降 since以来 having a child儿童.
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因为从有了孩子以后降低了。
11:18
The party派对 line线 is that every一切 single aspect方面 of my life
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统一的的说法是我的生活的各个方面
11:21
has just gotten得到 dramatically显着 better
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在我参与到孩子的出生
11:23
ever since以来 I participated参加
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和家庭的扩大的奇迹中后
11:25
in the miracle奇迹 that is childbirth分娩 and family家庭.
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得到了巨大的改善。
11:29
I'll never forget忘记, I remember记得 vividly生动地 to this day,
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我永远都不会忘记, 我今天还记忆犹新,
11:32
our first son儿子, Declan戴克澜, was nine months个月 old,
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我们第一个孩子德克兰Declan九个月大的时候,
11:35
and I was sitting坐在 there on the couch长椅,
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我在沙发上坐着,
11:37
and I was reading Daniel丹尼尔 Gilbert's吉尔伯特 wonderful精彩 book, "Stumbling绊脚 on Happiness幸福."
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我在读丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert精彩的书:《撞上快乐》。
11:40
And I got about two-thirds三分之二 of the way through通过,
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我读完三分之二的时候,
11:42
and there was a chart图表 on the right-hand右手 side --
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右边的那页列了一张表。
11:45
on the right-hand右手 page --
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在右边这页,
11:47
that we've我们已经 labeled标记 here
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我们贴了标记:
11:49
"The Most Terrifying可怕的 Chart图表 Imaginable想象
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“最让刚刚为人父母害怕的
11:51
for a New Parent."
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的图表。”
11:53
This chart图表 is comprised of four completely全然 independent独立 studies学习.
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这张图表是四个完全独立的研究的成果组成的。
11:56
Basically基本上, there's this precipitous陡峭 drop下降
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简单地说, 生孩子后婚姻满意度
11:59
of marital婚姻 satisfaction满意,
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会徒然下降,
12:01
which哪一个 is closely密切 aligned对齐, we all know, with broader更广泛 happiness幸福,
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这跟广泛意义上幸福感的升降基本一致
12:04
that doesn't rise上升 again
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而这种幸福感一直到
12:06
until直到 your first child儿童 goes to college学院.
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你第一个孩子上大学后才会回升。
12:09
So I'm sitting坐在 here looking at the next下一个 two decades几十年 of my life,
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我坐在那里想到我未来20多年的人生
12:12
this chasm裂口 of happiness幸福
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设想我们驾驶着敞篷车长驱直入
12:14
that we're driving主动 our proverbial谚语 convertible可兑换 straight直行 into.
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到这种幸福的深渊。
12:17
We were despondent沮丧.
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我们感到郁闷极了。
12:20
AVAV: So you can imagine想像, I mean again, the first few少数 months个月 were difficult,
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AV:你们可以想象,最初的几个月是比较困难的,
12:22
but we'd星期三 come out of it,
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但是我们克服了,
12:24
and were really shocked吃惊 to see this study研究.
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当我们看到这个研究报告时,也的确很震惊。
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper更深 look at it
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我们真的很想深入了解它
12:29
in hopes希望 that we would find a silver lining.
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希望我们可以找到一线曙光。
12:31
RGRG: And that's when it's great to be running赛跑 a website网站 for parents父母,
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RG: 这是为父母们提供一个网页的好时机,
12:33
because we got this incredible难以置信 reporter记者
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因为我们的优秀的记者们
12:36
to go and interview访问 all the scientists科学家们
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采访了那些撰写了研究报告
12:39
who conducted进行 these four studies学习.
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的科学家们。
12:41
We said, something is wrong错误 here.
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我们是觉得,这研究结果有点不对劲。
12:43
There's something missing失踪 from these studies学习.
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这些研究里缺乏了什么东西。
12:45
It can't possibly或者 be that bad.
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结果不可能这么糟糕。
12:49
So Liz利兹 Mitchell米切尔 did a wonderful精彩 job工作 with this piece,
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所以我们的记者莉斯·米切尔liz Mitchell写了这篇精彩的文章。
12:52
and she interviewed采访 four scientists科学家们,
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她采访了四个科学家,
12:55
and she also interviewed采访 Daniel丹尼尔 Gilbert吉尔伯特,
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她也采访了丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert。
12:57
and we did indeed确实 find a silver lining.
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我们真的发现了一线曙光。
12:59
So this is our guess猜测
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所以我们猜想
13:01
as to what this baseline底线 of average平均 happiness幸福
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贯穿人一生的幸福的平均基线图
13:04
arguably按理说 looks容貌 like throughout始终 life.
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是什么样的。
13:06
Average平均 happiness幸福 is, of course课程, inadequate不足,
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平均的幸福, 当然是不够的,
13:08
because it doesn't speak说话
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它不能表达
13:10
to the moment-by-moment每时每刻的情绪,时刻 experience经验,
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不同时刻的经历。
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks容貌 like
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所以我们觉得
13:15
when you layer in
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当你叠加进不同时刻的经历后
13:17
moment-to-moment每时每刻 experience经验.
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幸福曲线图应该是这样的。
13:20
And so we all remember记得 as children孩子,
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我们都记得我们的童年,
13:22
the tiniest最小的 little thing -- and we see it on the faces面孔 of our children孩子 --
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我们可以在孩子的脸上看到
13:25
the teeniestteeniest little thing
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那些芝麻绿豆的小事情
13:27
can just rocket火箭 them to these heights高度
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就可以让他们开心得不得了
13:29
of just utter说出 adulation阿谀,
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那真是可爱至极,
13:31
and then the next下一个 teeniestteeniest little thing
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接下来,另一件芝麻绿豆的小事
13:33
can cause原因 them just to plummet铅坠 to the depths深处 of despair绝望.
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又可以让他们闷闷不乐,伤心至极。
13:35
And it's just extraordinary非凡 to watch, and we remember记得 it ourselves我们自己.
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观察这些时刻特别有趣,而我们自己也记得这些往事。
13:38
And then, of course课程, as you get older旧的,
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然后, 当你长大了,
13:40
it's almost几乎 like age年龄 is a form形成 of lithium.
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年龄就像锂一样,
13:42
As you get older旧的, you become成为 more stable稳定.
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锂是越老越稳定。人是越老越稳重。
13:45
And part部分 of what happens发生, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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其中,在20,30岁之间,
13:48
is you start开始 to learn学习 to hedge树篱 your happiness幸福.
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你开始学着维系你的幸福。
13:50
You start开始 to realize实现 that
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你会意识到
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live生活 music音乐 event事件
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“我可能去音乐会现场
13:55
and have an utterly完全 transforming转型 experience经验
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会得到那种彻底享乐的感受
13:57
that will cover my entire整个 body身体 with goosebumps鸡皮疙瘩,
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我浑身上下都很激动,
14:00
but it's more likely容易 that I'll feel claustrophobic幽闭恐惧症
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但是我更会感到幽闭恐怖
14:02
and I won't惯于 be able能够 to get a beer啤酒.
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我都没法买瓶啤酒。
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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所以我不去了。
14:07
I've got a good stereo立体声 at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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我家里有很好的立体音响器材, 所以, 我还是不去了。”
14:10
So your average平均 happiness幸福 goes up,
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所以你的平均的幸福感提升了,
14:13
but you lose失去 those transcendent超然 moments瞬间.
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但是你失去了那些超级享乐的时刻。
14:15
AVAV: Yeah, and then you have your first child儿童,
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AV:是的, 然后你有了你的第一个孩子。
14:18
and then you really resubmit重新提交 yourself你自己
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然后你真的把自己跟这些
14:20
to these highs高位 and lows低点 --
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幸福最高点和幸福最低点间的生活联系在一起--
14:22
the highs高位 being存在 the first steps脚步, the first smile微笑,
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幸福值高的地方是孩子的第一步,第一个笑脸,
14:25
your child儿童 reading to you for the first time --
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你的孩子第一次为你读书;
14:27
the lows低点 being存在, our house, any time from six to seven every一切 night.
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幸福值低的时刻是我们家每天晚上6点到7点。
14:32
But you realize实现 you resubmit重新提交 yourself你自己
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但是你认识到你是身不由己地投入到
14:34
to losing失去 control控制 in a really wonderful精彩 way,
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一种美好的生活方式中去,
14:37
which哪一个 we think provides提供 a lot of meaning含义 to our lives生活
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我们觉得它对我们的人生有很大的意义
14:39
and is quite相当 gratifying可喜.
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我们为此很感激。
14:41
RGRG: And so in effect影响,
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RG:所以结果是
14:43
we trade贸易 average平均 happiness幸福.
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我们用我们的平均幸福作了交换。
14:45
We trade贸易 the sort分类 of security安全 and safety安全
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我们用那些安全保险
14:47
of a certain某些 level水平 of contentment满意
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为我们带来的一定程度上的满意
14:49
for these transcendent超然 moments瞬间.
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去交换那些特殊时光。
14:52
So where does that leave离开 the two of us
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而这一切将给我们两个
14:54
as a family家庭 with our three little boys男孩
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和我们的三个男孩
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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产生什么影响呢?
14:58
There's another另一个 factor因子 in our case案件.
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对我们家而言还有另一个因素。
15:00
We have violated违反 yet然而 another另一个 taboo忌讳
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在我们的生活里,我们又违犯了另一个禁忌
15:02
in our own拥有 lives生活,
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15:04
and this is a bonus奖金 taboo忌讳.
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这是一个额外的禁忌。
15:07
AVAV: A quick bonus奖金 taboo忌讳 for you, that we should not be working加工 together一起,
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AV:这是一个额外的禁忌经验, 我们不应该在一起工作
15:10
especially特别 with three children孩子 --
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特别是和我们三个孩子在一起
15:12
and we are.
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但是我们还是在一起工作了。
15:14
RGRG: And we had reservations预订 about this on the front面前 end结束.
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RG:我们一开始对这条禁忌有保留意见。
15:17
Everybody每个人 knows知道, you should absolutely绝对 not work with your spouse伴侣.
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每个人都知道,你不要跟你爱人一起工作。
15:20
In fact事实, when we first went out to raise提高 money to start开始 Babble潺潺,
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事实上一开始我们为Babble募集资金时,
15:23
the venture冒险 capitalists资本家 said,
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那个风险投资人说,
15:25
"We categorically断然 don't invest投资
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“我们绝不投资
15:27
in companies公司 founded成立 by husbands丈夫 and wives妻子,
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由夫妻一起创建的公司,
15:29
because there's an extra额外 point of failure失败.
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因为这另加了一个失败的因素。
15:31
It's a bad idea理念. Don't do it."
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这是坏主意, 不要这么做。”
15:33
And we obviously明显 went forward前锋. We did.
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而显然我们还是这么做了。
15:35
We raised上调 the money, and we're thrilled高兴 that we did,
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我们募集到了资金, 我们特别高兴,
15:38
because in this phase of one's那些 life,
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因为在人生的这个阶段中,
15:40
the incredibly令人难以置信 scarce稀缺 resource资源 is time.
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最宝贵的财富是时间。
15:43
And if you're really passionate多情 about what you do every一切 day -- which哪一个 we are --
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而如果你真的对你所从事的事情充满热情, 如我们一样,
15:46
and you're also passionate多情 about your relationship关系,
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而你也很在乎你们的关系,
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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那么,夫妻搭档在一起工作,这就是我们知道的唯一的办法。
15:51
And so the final最后 question that we would ask is:
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所以我们最后的一个问题是:
15:53
can we collectively bend弯曲 that happiness幸福 chart图表 upwards向上?
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我们能不能将幸福曲线的图表往上调整?
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent超然 moments瞬间 of joy喜悦,
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我们生活中有这些特殊的幸福时刻当然很好,
15:59
but they're sometimes有时 pretty漂亮 quick.
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但是有的时候它们来得快去得快。
16:02
And so how about that average平均 baseline底线 of happiness幸福?
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我们能不能将幸福的平均基线
16:05
Can we move移动 that up a little bit?
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提高一些呢?
16:07
AVAV: And we kind of feel that the happiness幸福 gap间隙, which哪一个 we talked about,
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AV:我们感到我们原来所谓的幸福
16:10
is really the result结果 of walking步行 into parenting育儿 --
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是针对步入家长的这一过程中
16:12
and really any long-term长期 partnership合伙 for that matter --
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和建立任何长期的关系中
16:14
with the wrong错误 expectations期望.
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带有错误的期望而言的。
16:16
And if you have the right expectations期望 and expectation期望 management管理,
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如果你建立了正确的期望和管理期望的手段,
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty漂亮 gratifying可喜 experience经验.
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我们发现结果是可喜的。
16:22
RGRG: And so this is what --
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RG:这就是
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents父母,
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我们认为很多家长,
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case案件 anyway无论如何 --
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你们来到这里, 和我们一样,
16:28
you pack your bags包装袋 for a trip to Europe欧洲, and you're really excited兴奋 to go.
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你打好了包裹去欧洲旅行,你特别兴奋地想去。
16:31
Get out of the airplane飞机,
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上了飞机,
16:33
it turns out you're trekking徒步旅行 in Nepal尼泊尔.
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结果你是在尼泊尔徒步旅行。
16:35
And trekking徒步旅行 in Nepal尼泊尔 is an extraordinary非凡 experience经验,
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徒步在尼泊尔旅行本身是一个非常特殊的经验,
16:38
particularly尤其 if you pack your bags包装袋 properly正确
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特别是如果你合理地准备了行装,
16:40
and you know what you're getting得到 in for and you're psyched激动.
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你知道你来干什么的, 你会非常激动。
16:42
So the point of all this for us today今天
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所以今天我们讲这些的关键不是
16:44
is not just hopefully希望 honesty诚实 for the sake清酒 of honesty诚实,
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希望大家为诚实而诚实,
16:47
but a hope希望 that by being存在 more honest诚实 and candid坦率 about these experiences经验,
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而是希望通过诚实坦白地讲述这些经历,
16:50
that we can all collectively
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我们才可以携手努力
16:52
bend弯曲 that happiness幸福 baseline底线 up a little bit.
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将我们的幸福基线抬高一点。
16:55
RGRG + AVAV: Thank you.
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RG+AV:谢谢。
16:57
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
Translated by Jenny Yang
Reviewed by Angelia King

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.

Why you should listen

Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.

Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.

More profile about the speaker
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com

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