TEDWomen 2010
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Let's talk parenting taboos
Rufus Griscom in Alisa Volkman: Spregovorimo o starševskih tabujih
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Prikupna zakonca in ustvarjalca portala 'Babble.com' Rufus Griscom in Alisa Volkman spregovorita o štirih dejstvih, ki jih starši nikoli ne priznajo, pa bi jih morali. Zabavno in iskreno, za starše in vse ostale.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --
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Torej tukaj se prične najina zgodba,
00:21
the dramatic moments of the birth
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dramatičen trenutek, ko se je rodil
00:23
of our first son, Declan.
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najin prvi sin Declan.
00:25
Obviously a really profound moment,
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Kot je očitno, gre za prvinski trenutek,
00:27
and it changed our lives in many ways.
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ki je v marsičem spremenil najini življenji.
00:29
It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,
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Ta je v najina življenja prinesel nenadejanih sprememb,
00:31
and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,
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in ko sva kasneje premišljevala o njih,
00:34
that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,
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sva prišla do skupne poslovne ideje,
00:36
and a year later, we launched Babble,
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leto kasneje sva namreč ustanovila Babble,
00:38
a website for parents.
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spletno stran za starše.
00:40
Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story
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Jaz pa mislim, da se je ta zgodba
00:42
as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.
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pričela pravzaprav nekaj let prej. - Res je.
00:45
RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.
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Kot se lahko spomniš, sva bila najprej zaljubljena do ušes.
00:48
AV: We did.
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Da, res je.
00:50
RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.
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Takrat sva v resnici imela drugačno spletno stran.
00:52
It was a website called Nerve.com,
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Imenovala se je Nerve.com (Živec.com),
00:54
the tagline of which was "literate smut."
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čigar podnaslov se je glasil "Knjižne obscenosti."
00:57
It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,
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Teoretično, in upam da tudi praktično,
01:00
a smart online magazine
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je šlo za pametno spletno revijo
01:02
about sex and culture.
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o spolnosti in kulturi.
01:05
AV: That spawned a dating site.
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Ki je sprožila spletno stran za zmenke.
01:08
But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.
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In vam je hitro jasno, kakšne šale dobiš iz tega. Seks seveda povzroči otroke.
01:10
You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,
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Slediš navodilom na Živcu in nato pristaneš na Babblu,
01:13
which we did.
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kakor sva tudi midva.
01:15
And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.
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Morda pa v prihodnje ustvariva še stran za starejše, nikoli ne veš.
01:19
RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble
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Za naju prehod iz Živca na Babble
01:22
was not just the life stage thing,
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ni bil povezan le z življenjskim obdobjem,
01:24
which is, of course, relevant,
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čeprav je temu primeren,
01:26
but it was really more about
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temveč je šlo bolj za
01:28
our desire to speak very honestly
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najino željo, da iskreno spregovoriva
01:30
about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.
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o rečeh, o katerih ljudje težko odkrito spregovorijo.
01:33
It seems to us that
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Zdi se nama,
01:35
when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,
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da ko se ljudje pričnejo pretvarjati o nečem, takrat lažejo,
01:38
that's when it gets really interesting.
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in to šele postane zanimivo.
01:40
That's a subject that we want to dive into.
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Prav to je tema, v katero se želiva poglobiti.
01:42
And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,
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Kot mlada starša sva bila presenečena,
01:44
that there are almost more taboos around parenting
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da obstaja več skrivnosti o starševstvu,
01:47
than there are around sex.
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kakor pa o seksu.
01:49
AV: It's true. So like we said,
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Res je. Torej kot rečeno,
01:51
the early years were really wonderful,
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zgodnja leta so bila res čudovita,
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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toda prav tako tudi naporna.
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty
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Čutiva pa, da del teh težav
01:57
was because of this false advertisement around parenting.
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izvira iz izkrivljenega oglaševanja okrog starševstva.
02:00
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
02:02
We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,
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Naročila sva se na številne revije, opravila svojo domačo nalogo,
02:05
but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.
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toda kamorkoli se obrneš, si obkrožen s takšnimi podobami.
02:08
And we went into parenting
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Tako sva vstopila v starševtstvo tudi sama
02:10
expecting our lives to look like this.
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in pričakovala, da bo prav takšno tudi najino življenje.
02:12
The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.
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Sonček bi nas neprestano grel, naši otroci pa ne bi jokali.
02:15
I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,
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Moja frizura bi nenehno stala, bila bi spočita,
02:19
and in fact, it was not like that at all.
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v resnici pa ni bilo prav nič podobno temu.
02:21
RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine
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In ko sva spustila svetleče starševske revije,
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,
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v katerih sva občudovala vse te lepe podobe
02:26
and looked at the scene in our actual living room,
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ter se ozrla naokoli po dnevni sobi,
02:28
it looked a little bit more like this.
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je vse skupaj zgledalo bolj takole.
02:30
These are our three sons.
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To so najini trije sinovi.
02:32
And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,
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Seveda se ves čas ne jokajo in derejo,
02:34
but with three boys, there's a decent probability
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toda s tremi fantki je vendarle večja verjetnost,
02:36
that at least one of them will not be comporting himself
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da se vsaj eden ne bo obnašal
02:38
exactly as he should.
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tako, kot bi se moral.
02:40
AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.
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Ja, tukaj se vidi kje se je to trganje pričelo za naju.
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting
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Pomislila sva, da to, kar sva pričakovala,
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,
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v resnici ni imelo nič skupnega s tem, kar sva doživljala,
02:49
and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.
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zato sva se odločila, da bova to staršem odkrito povedala.
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand
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Hotela sva, da bi razumeli,
02:55
what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.
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kaj starševstvo v resnici pomeni.
02:58
RG: So today, what we would love to do
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Kar želiva danes narediti je,
03:00
is share with you four parenting taboos.
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z vami deliti štiri starševske tabuje.
03:03
And of course, there are many more than four things
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Seveda obstaja veliko več kot štiri stvari,
03:05
you can't say about parenting,
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ki jih ne smete izreči o starševstvu,
03:07
but we would like to share with you today
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toda danes želiva z vami deliti
03:09
four that are particularly relevant for us personally.
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tiste štiri, ki so bile še posebej zanimive za naju.
03:12
So the first, taboo number one:
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Tabu št.1:
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby
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Ne reci, da se nisi že prvo minuto zaljubil
03:18
in the very first minute.
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v svojega dojenčka.
03:20
I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.
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Živo se spomnim, ko sem sedel v bolnišnici.
03:23
We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.
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Bili smo sredi poroda najinega prvega otroka...
03:26
AV: We, or I?
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- Mi ali jaz?
03:28
RG: I'm sorry.
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Se opravičujem.
03:30
Misuse of the pronoun.
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Nepravilna raba zaimka.
03:32
Alisa was very generously in the process
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Alisa je bila velikodušno v procesu
03:34
of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)
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rojevanja najinega prvega otroka... - Hvala.
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.
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... jaz pa sem le stal zraven z mrežico.
03:38
And I was there with my arms open.
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In tako stojim tam z odprtimi rokami,
03:40
The nurse was coming at me
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gledam babico, ki mi gre naproti
03:42
with this beautiful, beautiful child,
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s tem prelepim otročičkom,
03:44
and I remember, as she was approaching me,
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in medtem, ko se mi približuje, se spomnim
03:46
the voices of friends saying,
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prijateljev, ki so mi govorili,
03:49
"The moment they put the baby in your hands,
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"V trenutku, ko boš prijel dojenčka v naročje,
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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te bo preplavil občutek ljubezni,
03:54
that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful
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ki je po jakosti močnejši
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."
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od vsega, kar si kadarkoli doživel."
03:59
So I was bracing myself for the moment.
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In tako se je začela priprava na ta trenutek.
04:01
The baby was coming,
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Dojenček prihaja,
04:03
and I was ready for this Mack truck of love
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jaz pa pripravljen na tovornjak ljubezni,
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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ki me bo zadel in vrgel s tal.
04:08
And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,
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V glavnem, ko sem prejel dojenčka v roke,
04:11
it was an extraordinary moment.
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je bil to res izjemen trenutek.
04:13
This picture is from literally a few seconds after
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Ta slika je nastala točno par sekund za tem,
04:16
the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.
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ko sem ga imel v naročju in ga spet predal.
04:19
And you can see, our eyes were glistening.
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Lahko vidite najine lesketajoče oči.
04:21
I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,
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Bil sem preplavljen z ljubeznijo in naklonjenostjo do žene,
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude
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in globoko hvaležen,
04:26
that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.
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da sva dobila zdravega otroka.
04:28
And it was also, of course, surreal.
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Bilo pa je tudi bizarno,
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.
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mislim, moral sem izpolniti vse te obrazce ipd.
04:32
I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"
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Bil sem v dvomih, "Si prepričana, da je to najin otrok?"
04:34
And this was all quite remarkable.
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Vse skupaj je bilo precej nenavadno.
04:37
But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,
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Kar sem občutil do otroka tisti trenutek, je bila vsekakor globoka naklonjenost,
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.
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toda to ni nič v primerjavi s tem, kar čutim danes do njega, pet let kasneje.
04:43
And so we've done something here
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Tako sva prišla do nečesa,
04:45
that is heretical.
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kar je brezbožno početje.
04:47
We have charted
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Najino ljubezen do otroka
04:50
our love for our child over time.
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sva postavila v časovni diagram.
04:53
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act of heresy.
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To je, kot veste, brezbožno dejanje.
04:58
You're not allowed to chart love.
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Prepovedano je ljubezen meriti z grafi.
05:00
The reason you're not allowed to chart love
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Razlog za to je v tem,
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary thing.
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da o ljubezni razmišljamo necelovito, binarno.
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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Si bodisi zaljubljen ali pač ne.
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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Ljubiš ali pa ne ljubiš.
05:08
And I think the reality is that love is a process,
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V resnici pa je ljubezen proces
05:11
and I think the problem with thinking of love
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in problem pri dojemanju ljubezni
05:13
as something that's binary
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kot nečesa, kar je razdvojeno
05:15
is that it causes us
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je, da povzroča
05:17
to be unduly concerned
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neupravično zaskrbljenost,
05:19
that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.
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češ da je ljubezen varljiva, neprava ali karkoli vas že skrbi.
05:22
And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.
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Očitno je, da tu govorim z očetovske perspektive.
05:25
But I think a lot of men do go through this sense
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Čeprav menim, da veliko moških preživlja vse to
05:27
in the early months, maybe their first year,
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v prvih mesecih oz. v prvem letu,
05:30
that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.
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kot da je njihov čustveni odziv na nek način nepravilen.
05:33
AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,
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Vesela sem, da je Rufus to izpostavil,
05:35
because you can notice where he dips in the first years
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kajti lahko opazite kje doživlja padec v teh prvih letih,
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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kjer seveda večino dela opravim jaz.
05:41
But we like to joke,
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Rada se šaliva
05:43
in the first few months of all of our children's lives,
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da je prvih nekaj mesecev življenja najinih otrok,
05:45
this is Uncle Rufus.
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on stric Rufus.
05:47
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
05:49
RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.
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Ja, zelo nežen stric, zelo nežen.
05:51
AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home
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Ja, pogosto se pošalim z njim, ko pride domov,
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up
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da nisem ravno prepričana, če bi lahko prepoznal svoje otroke
05:57
amongst other babies.
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med drugimi otroki.
05:59
So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.
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Zato sem ga tudi izzvala s tem kvizom.
06:01
RG: Uh oh.
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Ojoj.
06:03
AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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Nočem ga izpostavljati preveč, pa vendar mu dam tri sekunde.
06:06
RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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To ni pravično, to je trik, saj ga gotovo ni gor, kaj?
06:09
AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,
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Najin sin, ki je star osem tednov je nekje vmes,
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.
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in res želim videti, kako hitro ga bo prepoznal.
06:14
RG: The far left. AV: No!
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Prvi z leve? - Ne!
06:16
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:23
RG: Cruel.
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Kruto.
06:25
AV: Nothing more to be said.
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Ni kaj reči.
06:27
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:29
I'll move on to taboo number two.
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Pojdimo na tabu št. 2:
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
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Ne govori o osamljenosti, ko imaš otroka.
06:34
I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.
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V nosečnosti sem uživala, res mi je bilo všeč.
06:36
I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.
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S skupnostjo sem se počutila neverjetno povezano.
06:39
I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,
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Bilo je, kakor da prav vsi sodelujejo pri moji nosečnosti,
06:42
tracking it down till the actual due-date.
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in jo spremljajo vse do poroda.
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.
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Počutila sem se kakor ladja prihodnosti za človeštvo.
06:49
That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.
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Podobno se je nadaljevalo v porodnišnici. Res je bilo veselo.
06:52
I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.
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Bila sem zasuta z darili, rožami in obiskovalci.
06:55
It was a really wonderful experience,
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Res je bila izjemna izkušnja,
06:58
but when I got home,
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toda ko sem prišla domov,
07:00
I suddenly felt very disconnected
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sem se naenkrat počutila odrezano
07:02
and suddenly shut in and shut out,
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in v trenutku sem ugasnila tako navznoter kot navzven
07:05
and I was really surprised by those feelings.
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ter sem bila povsem presenečena nad temi občutki.
07:07
I did expect it to be difficult,
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Saj sem pričalovala da bo težko,
07:09
have sleepless nights, constant feedings,
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z neprespanimi nočmi, nenehnim hranjenjem,
07:11
but I did not expect the feelings
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toda nisem pa pričakovala,
07:13
of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,
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da se bom počutila tako izolirano in osamljeno,
07:16
and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,
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bila sem tudi presenečena, da se z menoj nihče ni pogovoril
07:18
that I was going to be feeling this way.
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o tem, da se bom tako počutila.
07:20
And I called my sister
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Poklicala sem sestro
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --
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s katero sva si zelo blizu - tudi ona ima tri otroke -
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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in jo vprašala, "Zakaj mi nisi povedala,
07:27
I was going to be feeling this way,
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da se bom tako počutila,
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"
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in da bom doživljala občutke neverjetne osamljenosti?"
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget --
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Nikoli ne bom pozabila, da mi je rekla,
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother
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"To preprosto ni nekaj, kar si želiš povedati mami,
07:37
that's having a baby for the first time."
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ki je pravkar rodila prvega otroka."
07:40
RG: And of course, we think
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Pravzaprav pa misliva,
07:42
it's precisely what you really should be saying
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da je točno to potrebno povedati
07:45
to mothers who have kids for the first time.
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materam, ki prvič povijajo svoje otroke.
07:48
And that this, of course, one of the themes for us
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Ravno tema, ki je bila tako pomembna za naju,
07:51
is that we think
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je po najinem mnenju
07:53
that candor and brutal honesty
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kruta resničnost,
07:55
is critical to us collectively
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ki je ključna za vse
07:57
being great parents.
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dobre starše.
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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In težko je spregledati,
08:01
that part of what leads to this sense of isolation
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da je del tega, kar nas vodi v ta občutek izoliranosti
08:03
is our modern world.
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pravzaprav sodoben način življenja.
08:05
So Alisa's experience is not isolated.
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Alisina izkušnja tako ni edina.
08:07
So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed
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Kar 58 % vprašanih mater
08:09
report feelings of loneliness.
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poroča o občutkih osamljenosti.
08:11
Of those, 67 percent are most lonely
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Od teh se 67% počuti najbolj osamljene
08:13
when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.
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v obdobju starosti otrok od 0-5 let, najbrž jih je največ med 0-2 letoma.
08:16
In the process of preparing this,
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Ko sva tole pripravljala,
08:18
we looked at how some other cultures around the world
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sva preverila kako se v drugih kulturah po svetu
08:20
deal with this period of time,
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soočajo s tem obdobjem,
08:23
because here in the Western world,
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kajti v zahodnem svetu,
08:25
less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,
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nas manj kot polovica živi v bližini drugih družinskih članov,
08:28
which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.
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kar je deloma razlog zakaj je to obdobje tako zahtevno.
08:31
So to take one example among many:
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Na primer:
08:33
in Southern India
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v južni Indiji
08:35
there's a practice known as jholabhari,
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obstaja tradicija, t.i. "jholabhari,"
08:37
in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,
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kjer se nosečnica v sedmem ali osmem mesecu nosečnosti
08:40
moves in with her mother
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preseli k svoji mami
08:42
and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,
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in gre skozi niz ritualov in ceremonij,
08:44
give birth and returns home to her nuclear family
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rodi in se vrne k svoji družini
08:47
several months after the child is born.
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šele nekaj mesecev po rojstvu otroka.
08:49
And this is one of many ways
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To je en od načinov,
08:51
that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.
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ki jih druge kulture uporabljajo, da premostijo to obdobje osamljenosti.
08:54
AV: So taboo number three:
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Tabu št. 3:
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.
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Ne smeš govoriti o splavu - toda danes bom govoril o svojem.
08:59
So after we had Declan,
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Po sinu Declanu,
09:01
we kind of recalibrated our expectations.
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sva tako najprej ovrednotila pričakovanja.
09:03
We thought we actually could go through this again
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Mislila sva, da lahko greva skozi to še enkrat
09:06
and thought we knew what we would be up against.
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in da veva s čim se soočava.
09:09
And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,
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Hvaležna sva bila, da sva sploh lahko zanosila,
09:12
and I soon learned that we were having a boy,
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kmalu sem spoznala, da bomo imeli še enega fantka,
09:14
and then when I was five months,
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nato pa sva v petem mesecu nosečnosti
09:16
we learned that we had lost our child.
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ugotovila, da sva otroka izgubila.
09:18
This is actually the last little image we have of him.
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To je njegov zadnji posnetek, ki ga imava.
09:22
And it was obviously a very difficult time --
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Bil težak čas -
09:24
really painful.
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zelo boleč.
09:27
As I was working through that mourning process,
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Medtem, ko sem žalovala,
09:30
I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.
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sem bila presenečena, da nočem nikogar videti.
09:33
I really wanted to crawl into a hole,
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Resnično sem si želela le, da se skrijem nekam globoko,
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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saj nisem niti vedela kako se bom
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding community.
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vrnila nazaj v službo, bližnjo okolico.
09:41
And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,
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Če se prav spomnim tistih občutkov
09:44
is on a really deep gut level,
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je bil globoko spodaj
09:46
I was feeling a lot of shame
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občutek neverjetno močnega sramu,
09:49
and embarrassed, frankly,
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ponižanja, iskreno povedano,
09:51
that, in some respects, I had failed
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kakor da nisem uspela
09:53
at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.
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dati tistega, za kar sem genetsko ustvarjena.
09:56
And of course, it made me question,
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Seveda sem se takoj pričela spraševati,
09:58
if I wasn't able to have another child,
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ali bom sploh še kdaj lahko rodila,
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage,
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pa kaj bo to pomenilo za moj zakon
10:02
and just me as a woman.
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in zame kot žensko.
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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Bili so res težki časi.
10:06
As I started working through it more,
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Tako sem na poti premišljevanja o tem
10:08
I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.
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pričela govoriti tudi z drugimi in tako počasi lazila iz svoje luknje.
10:11
I was really amazed
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Bila sem presunjena
10:13
by all the stories that started flooding in.
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nad zgodbami, ki so privrele na dan.
10:15
People I interacted with daily,
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Ljudje, s katerimi sem bila dnevno v stikih,
10:17
worked with, was friends with,
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z njimi delala in prijateljevala,
10:19
family members that I had known a long time,
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celo družinski člani, ki sem jih že dolgo poznala,
10:21
had never shared with me their own stories.
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z menoj še nikoli dotlej niso govorili o svojih zgodbah.
10:23
And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,
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Spomnim se občutka, kako so zgodbe počasi kukale na plan
10:26
and I felt like I happened upon
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in sem posmislila, da sem naletela na
10:28
this secret society of women that I now was a part of,
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veliko skrivnost žensk, s katerimi sem zdaj tudi sama povezana,
10:31
which was reassuring and also really concerning.
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kar je bilo hkrati olajšujoče in zaskrbljujoče.
10:35
And I think,
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Menim,
10:37
miscarriage is an invisible loss.
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da je splav skrita izguba.
10:39
There's not really a lot of community support around it.
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V zvezi s tem podpore s strani družbe ni.
10:41
There's really no ceremony,
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Posebni običaji za to ne obstajajo,
10:43
rituals, or rites.
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prav tako ni ritualov.
10:45
And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,
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Ko recimo nekdo umre, poznamo pogrebe, slavimo življenje,
10:48
and there's a lot of community support,
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takrat je podpora skupnosti običajno velika,
10:50
and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.
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kar pa za splav ne velja.
10:52
RG: Which is too bad because, of course,
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To je žalostno, kajti
10:54
it's a very common and very traumatic experience.
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splav je pogosta travmatična izkušnja.
10:56
Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,
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Namreč, vsaka peta nosečnost se konča s splavom,
10:59
and I find this astounding.
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kar je izjemen podatek.
11:01
In a survey, 74 percent of women said
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Iz raziskave izhaja, da 74 % žensk meni,
11:03
that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.
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da so za splav deloma krive tudi same, kar je grozljivo.
11:06
And astoundingly, 22 percent
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Presenetljivo je, da jih 22 % pravi,
11:08
said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.
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da bi splav pred soprogi skrile.
11:10
So taboo number four:
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In tabu št. 4:
11:12
you can't say that your average happiness
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ne reci, da je tvoje splošno zadovoljstvo
11:15
has declined since having a child.
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zaradi otroka upadlo.
11:18
The party line is that every single aspect of my life
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Najbolj zabavno pri tem je, da se je sleherni delček mojega življenja
11:21
has just gotten dramatically better
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dramatično izboljšal
11:23
ever since I participated
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odkar sem se udeležil
11:25
in the miracle that is childbirth and family.
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čudeža, ki mu pravimo rojstvo otroka in družine.
11:29
I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,
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Nikoli ne bom pozabil, živo se spomnim dneva,
11:32
our first son, Declan, was nine months old,
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ko je bil Declan star devet mesecev,
11:35
and I was sitting there on the couch,
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in sem mu na kavču
11:37
and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."
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prebiral Gilbertovo čudovito knjigo z naslovom, 'Stumbling on Happiness.'
11:40
And I got about two-thirds of the way through,
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Ko že prelistam dve tretjini knjige
11:42
and there was a chart on the right-hand side --
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opazim graf na svoji desni,
11:45
on the right-hand page --
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na desni strani knjige,
11:47
that we've labeled here
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ki sva ga tu poimenovala
11:49
"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable
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"Najbolj zastrašujoč graf, ki si ga lahko zamisli"
11:51
for a New Parent."
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nov starš."
11:53
This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.
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Graf je rezultat štirih povsem neodvisnih študij.
11:56
Basically, there's this precipitous drop
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Na njem lahko vidimo strm padec
11:59
of marital satisfaction,
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zakonskega zadovoljstva,
12:01
which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,
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ki je močno povezan tudi s splošnim občutkom sreče,
12:04
that doesn't rise again
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ta pa ostaja enak
12:06
until your first child goes to college.
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vse do odhoda vašega prvega otroka na študij.
12:09
So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,
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Torej lahko sedim in naslednji dve desetletji življenja opazujem
12:12
this chasm of happiness
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ta prepad sreče
12:14
that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.
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v katerega s svojim metaforičnim kabrioletom nezadržno drvimo.
12:17
We were despondent.
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Bili smo povsem potrti.
12:20
AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,
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Lahko si mislite, kako težki so bili za naju prvi meseci,
12:22
but we'd come out of it,
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pa sva se iz tega izvlekla,
12:24
and were really shocked to see this study.
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nato pa šok, ko sva videla študijo.
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it
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Zato sva si vse skupaj želela bolj poglobljeno pogledati
12:29
in hopes that we would find a silver lining.
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in upala na neko rešitev.
12:31
RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,
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V takih situacijah je dobro imeti spletno stran za starše,
12:33
because we got this incredible reporter
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saj sva najela to izjemno novinarko,
12:36
to go and interview all the scientists
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da se je podala v pogovore z znanstveniki,
12:39
who conducted these four studies.
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ki so vodili te štiri študije.
12:41
We said, something is wrong here.
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Rekla sva si, tu mora biti nekaj narobe.
12:43
There's something missing from these studies.
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Nekaj v teh študijah manjka.
12:45
It can't possibly be that bad.
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Saj ne more biti vse tako slabo.
12:49
So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,
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Liz Mitchell je tako opravila izjemno delo,
12:52
and she interviewed four scientists,
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intervjuvala je vse štiri znanstvenike,
12:55
and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,
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med katerimi je bil tudi Daniel Gilbert,
12:57
and we did indeed find a silver lining.
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in tako sva končno našla kanček upanja.
12:59
So this is our guess
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Takole izgleda najina predpostavka
13:01
as to what this baseline of average happiness
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o tem, kako v osnovi ta povprečna sreča
13:04
arguably looks like throughout life.
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najverjetneje izgleda skozi življenje.
13:06
Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,
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Povprečje sreče je seveda neustrezno,
13:08
because it doesn't speak
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kajti ne ustreza
13:10
to the moment-by-moment experience,
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izkušnji posameznega trenutka,
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks like
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zato meniva, da v resnici izgleda takole,
13:15
when you layer in
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ko notri vstavimo
13:17
moment-to-moment experience.
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še izkušnje trenutkov.
13:20
And so we all remember as children,
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Vsi se kot otroci spomnimo
13:22
the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --
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drobnih stvari, ki jih vidimo tudi na obrazih naših otrok,
13:25
the teeniest little thing
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že drobne stvari
13:27
can just rocket them to these heights
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jih lahko izstrelijo v višave
13:29
of just utter adulation,
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vse do popolnega navdušenja,
13:31
and then the next teeniest little thing
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že naslednja drobcena stvar
13:33
can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.
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pa jih lahko potisne na rob obupa.
13:35
And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.
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Že samo opazovanje je izjemna izkušnja, pa tudi sama se tega dobro spomniva.
13:38
And then, of course, as you get older,
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In seveda, medtem ko se staraš,
13:40
it's almost like age is a form of lithium.
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je kakor da je starost narejena iz litija.
13:42
As you get older, you become more stable.
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Starejši kot si, bolj si stabilen.
13:45
And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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Mislim, da v dvajsetih in tridesetih letih
13:48
is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.
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ljudje pričnemo svojo srečo omejevati.
13:50
You start to realize that
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Pričnemo ugotavljati, recimo:
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live music event
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"Hej, saj bi lahko šel na koncert
13:55
and have an utterly transforming experience
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in doživel izkušnjo preobrazbe
13:57
that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,
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ter imel po celem telesu kurjo polt,
14:00
but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic
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toda najverjetneje bi se počutil prostorsko utesnjeno,
14:02
and I won't be able to get a beer.
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tako da niti po pivo ne bi mogel iti.
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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Zato raje ne bom šel.
14:07
I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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Doma imam glasbeni stolp. Torej ne grem."
14:10
So your average happiness goes up,
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Tako gre povprečna sreča sprva navzgor,
14:13
but you lose those transcendent moments.
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vendar izgubiš dragocene trenutke.
14:15
AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,
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Ja, nato dobiš prvega otroka,
14:18
and then you really resubmit yourself
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se povsem podvržeš
14:20
to these highs and lows --
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tem vzponom in padcem -
14:22
the highs being the first steps, the first smile,
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vzponom, ki pomenijo prve korake, prvi nasmeh,
14:25
your child reading to you for the first time --
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ko otrok prebere prve vrstice -
14:27
the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.
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ter padce, recimo našo hišo kadarkoli med šesto in sedmo zvečer.
14:32
But you realize you resubmit yourself
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Tu spoznaš, da se odpoveš
14:34
to losing control in a really wonderful way,
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ohranjanju nadzor na krasen način,
14:37
which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives
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ki v marsičem osmišlja naša življenja,
14:39
and is quite gratifying.
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kar pa je zares razveseljivo.
14:41
RG: And so in effect,
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Odtod v bistvu
14:43
we trade average happiness.
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trgujemo s povprečno srečo.
14:45
We trade the sort of security and safety
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Menjamo občutek varnosti
14:47
of a certain level of contentment
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določene ravni razdovoljstva
14:49
for these transcendent moments.
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za te neprecenljive trenutke.
14:52
So where does that leave the two of us
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Torej kam naju to uvršča
14:54
as a family with our three little boys
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kot družino s tremi otroki
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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sredi vsega tega?
14:58
There's another factor in our case.
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Obstaja še en dejavnik v najinem primeru.
15:00
We have violated yet another taboo
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Namreč prekršila sva še en tabu
15:02
in our own lives,
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v najinem življenju,
15:04
and this is a bonus taboo.
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to bo tudi bonus tabu.
15:07
AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,
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Še zadnji bonus tabu imava za vas, in sicer da ne bi smela skupaj delati,
15:10
especially with three children --
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sploh pa ne s tremi otroki -
15:12
and we are.
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toda ravno to počneva.
15:14
RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.
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Sprva sva bila do tega resda nekoliko zadržana.
15:17
Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.
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Vsi vedo, da ne smeš delati skupaj s partnerjem.
15:20
In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,
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Pravzaprav, ko sva zbirala sredstva za pričetek Babbla,
15:23
the venture capitalists said,
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so nama investitorji govorili,
15:25
"We categorically don't invest
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"Kategorično ne vlagamo
15:27
in companies founded by husbands and wives,
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v podjetja, ki so jih ustanovili možje in žene,
15:29
because there's an extra point of failure.
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ker obstaja dodatna verjetnost za neuspeh.
15:31
It's a bad idea. Don't do it."
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To je slaba ideja. Ne delajte tega".
15:33
And we obviously went forward. We did.
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Midva sva očitno šla naprej.
15:35
We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,
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Zbrala sva sredstva in bila sva zelo vznemirjena zaradi tega,
15:38
because in this phase of one's life,
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saj v tem življenjskem obdobju
15:40
the incredibly scarce resource is time.
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človeku najbolj primanjkuje ravno čas.
15:43
And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --
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Če delaš s strastjo vsak dan - in midva delava -
15:46
and you're also passionate about your relationship,
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in če si z enako strastjo tudi v partnerskem odnosu,
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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je to za naju edini način kako to početi.
15:51
And so the final question that we would ask is:
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Tako sva prišla do zadnjega vprašanja za vas:
15:53
can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?
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ali lahko vsi skupaj, kolektivno, obrnemo ta trend sreče navzgor?
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,
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Super je, da imamo neprecenljive trenutke sreče,
15:59
but they're sometimes pretty quick.
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vendar ti trenutki včasih res prehitro minejo.
16:02
And so how about that average baseline of happiness?
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Kaj pa črta povprečnega občutka sreče?
16:05
Can we move that up a little bit?
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Lahko to obrnemu navzgor, vsaj malo?
16:07
AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,
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Midva čutiva, da je prepad sreče, o katerem sva govorila,
16:10
is really the result of walking into parenting --
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v resnici posledica vstopa v starševstvo -
16:12
and really any long-term partnership for that matter --
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in pa tudi vsako dolgoročno partnerstvo -
16:14
with the wrong expectations.
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z napačnimi pričakovanji.
16:16
And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,
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Če pa imaš realna pričakovanja, s katerimi znaš upravljati,
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.
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sva prepričana, da bo vse skupaj zelo prijetna izkušnja.
16:22
RG: And so this is what --
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Torej, to je tisto, ko -
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents,
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najbrž to velja za številne starše,
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case anyway --
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ki se v tem znajdejo, vsaj v najinem primeru je tako -
16:28
you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.
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pakiraš za pot v Evropo, in si vznemirjen, da greš.
16:31
Get out of the airplane,
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Prideš z letala,
16:33
it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.
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in vidiš, da v resnici planinariš po Nepalu.
16:35
And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,
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In planinarjenje v Nepalu je izjemna izkušnja,
16:38
particularly if you pack your bags properly
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še posebej, če si za to vzel pravo prtljago
16:40
and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.
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in se zavedaš kaj te čaka, ker si psihično pripravljen.
16:42
So the point of all this for us today
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Torej bistvo vsega tega
16:44
is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,
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ni le iskrenost zaradi iskrenosti same,
16:47
but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,
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pač pa je to upanje, da lahko z odkritostjo in srčnostjo, ko govorimo o teh izkušnjah,
16:50
that we can all collectively
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vsi skupaj, kolektivno,
16:52
bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.
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obrnemo ta trend sreče nekoliko navzgor.
16:55
RG + AV: Thank you.
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Hvala lepa.
16:57
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-foundersRufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.
Why you should listen
Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.
Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com