TED2013
Eleanor Longden: The voices in my head
Elenor Longden (Eleanor Longden): Glasovi u mojoj glavi
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U svakom smislu, Elenor Longden je bila kao i svaki drugi student, na putu ka koledžu sa puno energije i bez ijedne brige na svetu. Tako je bilo dok glasovi u njenoj glavi nisu počeli da govore. U početku bezopasni, ovi unutrašnji naratori postali su sve više protivnički i diktatorski, preokrećući njen život u živi košmar. Sa dijagnostikovanom šizofrenijom, na lekovima i na kraju odbačena od strane sistema koji nije znao kako da joj pomogne, Longdenova priča priču kretanja svog dugogodišnjeg putovanja nazad ka mentalnom zdravlju i pokazuje da je kroz učenje da sluša svoje glasove došla do preživljavanja.
Eleanor Longden - Research psychologist
Eleanor Longden overcame her diagnosis of schizophrenia to earn a master’s in psychology and demonstrate that the voices in her head were “a sane reaction to insane circumstances.” Full bio
Eleanor Longden overcame her diagnosis of schizophrenia to earn a master’s in psychology and demonstrate that the voices in her head were “a sane reaction to insane circumstances.” Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
The day I left home for the first time
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Dan kada sam prvi put
napustila dom
napustila dom
00:14
to go to university was a bright day
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da bih otišla na fakultet,
bio je lep dan
bio je lep dan
00:16
brimming with hope and optimism.
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prepun nade i optimizma.
00:19
I'd done well at school. Expectations for me were high,
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Bila sam dobra u školi.
Od mene se mnogo očekivalo
Od mene se mnogo očekivalo
00:22
and I gleefully entered the student life
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i radosno sam ušla
u studentski život
u studentski život
00:24
of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.
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predavanja, žurki i krađa
saobraćajnih čunjeva.
saobraćajnih čunjeva.
00:28
Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,
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Izgled, naravno,
može da vara,
može da vara,
00:30
and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona
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i u određenoj meri ova
impulsivna, energična persona
impulsivna, energična persona
00:34
of lecture-going and traffic cone stealing was a veneer,
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koja prisustvuje predavanjima i krade
saobraćajne čunjeve bila je paravan,
saobraćajne čunjeve bila je paravan,
00:37
albeit a very well-crafted and convincing one.
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iako jako dobro napravljen
i ubedljiv.
i ubedljiv.
00:40
Underneath, I was actually deeply unhappy, insecure
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Ispod površine, ja sam zapravo bila
veoma nesrećna, nesigurna
veoma nesrećna, nesigurna
00:43
and fundamentally frightened --
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i u osnovi uplašena -
00:45
frightened of other people, of the future, of failure
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uplašena od drugih ljudi,
budućnosti, neuspeha
budućnosti, neuspeha
00:49
and of the emptiness that I felt was within me.
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i praznine koju sam osećala u sebi.
00:51
But I was skilled at hiding it, and from the outside
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Ali bila sam vešta
u sakrivanju toga i spolja sam
u sakrivanju toga i spolja sam
00:54
appeared to be someone with everything to hope for
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izgledala kao neko
ko se može nadati
ko se može nadati
00:56
and aspire to.
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i težiti svemu.
00:57
This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete
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Ova fantazija neranjivosti
je bila toliko stvarna
je bila toliko stvarna
01:01
that I even deceived myself,
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da sam čak obmanula sebe,
01:02
and as the first semester ended and the second began,
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i kako je prvi semestar
prošao i drugi počeo,
prošao i drugi počeo,
01:05
there was no way that anyone could have predicted
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nije bilo šansi da iko predvidi
01:07
what was just about to happen.
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šta će se upravo desiti.
01:10
I was leaving a seminar when it started,
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Napuštala sam seminar
kada je počelo,
kada je počelo,
01:13
humming to myself, fumbling with my bag
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mumlajući u sebi,
čačkajući svoju torbu,
čačkajući svoju torbu,
01:15
just as I'd done a hundred times before,
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kako sam radila
i sto puta pre toga,
i sto puta pre toga,
01:18
when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe,
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kada sam iznenada čula
glas kako mirno izgovara:
glas kako mirno izgovara:
01:20
"She is leaving the room."
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"Ona napušta sobu."
01:23
I looked around, and there was no one there,
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Pogledala sam okolo
i nisam nikoga videla,
i nisam nikoga videla,
01:24
but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment
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ali jasnoća i odlučnost komentara
01:27
was unmistakable.
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su bili očiti.
01:28
Shaken, I left my books on the stairs and hurried home,
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Uzdrmana, ostavila sam knjige
na stepenicama i požurila kući
na stepenicama i požurila kući
01:31
and there it was again.
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i glas se ponovo javio.
01:32
"She is opening the door."
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"Ona otvara vrata."
01:34
This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.
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Ovo je bio početak.
Glas je došao.
Glas je došao.
01:38
And the voice persisted,
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I bio je uporan,
01:41
days and then weeks of it, on and on,
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danima, a zatim i nedeljama,
dalje i dalje,
dalje i dalje,
01:43
narrating everything I did in the third person.
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govoreći sve što sam radila
u trećem licu.
u trećem licu.
01:45
"She is going to the library."
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"Ona ide u biblioteku."
01:47
"She is going to a lecture."
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"Ona ide na predavanje."
01:49
It was neutral, impassive and even, after a while,
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Bio je neutralan, neosetljiv,
čak i posle nekog vremena,
čak i posle nekog vremena,
01:52
strangely companionate and reassuring,
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čudno druželjubiv i uveravajuć,
01:54
although I did notice that its calm exterior sometimes slipped
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iako sam primetila da je njegova
mirna spoljašnost ponekad prešla
mirna spoljašnost ponekad prešla
01:58
and that it occasionally mirrored my own unexpressed emotion.
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i povremeno prikazivala
odraz moje neiskazane emocije.
odraz moje neiskazane emocije.
02:01
So, for example, if I was angry and had to hide it,
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Tako na primer, kada sam bila ljuta
i morala to da sakrijem,
i morala to da sakrijem,
02:04
which I often did, being very adept at concealing how I really felt,
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što i jesam često, bila sam jako vešta
u prikrivanju onog što sam zaista osećala,
u prikrivanju onog što sam zaista osećala,
02:07
then the voice would sound frustrated.
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i tada bi zvučao isfrustrirano.
02:09
Otherwise, it was neither sinister nor disturbing,
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Inače, nije bio ni zlokoban
ni uznemiravajuć,
ni uznemiravajuć,
02:12
although even at that point it was clear
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iako je čak bilo jasno da
02:14
that it had something to communicate to me
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ima nešto da mi da do znanja
02:16
about my emotions, particularly emotions
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o mojim osećanjima,
naročito osećanjima
naročito osećanjima
02:19
which were remote and inaccessible.
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koja su bila udaljena i nedostižna.
02:22
Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,
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Ali tada sam napravila
jednu fatalnu grešku
jednu fatalnu grešku
02:25
in that I told a friend about the voice, and she was horrified.
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kada sam prijateljici rekla o glasu
i ona je bila užasnuta.
i ona je bila užasnuta.
02:28
A subtle conditioning process had begun,
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Počeo je suptilan proces uslovljavanja,
02:30
the implication that normal people don't hear voices
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implikacija da normalni ljudi
ne čuju glasove,
ne čuju glasove,
02:34
and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.
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a činjenica da ja čujem značila je
da nešto ozbiljno nije u redu sa mnom.
da nešto ozbiljno nije u redu sa mnom.
02:37
Such fear and mistrust was infectious.
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Takav strah i nepoverenje
su bili zarazni.
su bili zarazni.
02:41
Suddenly the voice didn't seem quite so benign anymore,
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Odjednom glas nije delovao
tako dobroćudno,
tako dobroćudno,
02:44
and when she insisted that I seek medical attention,
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a kada je drugarica insistirala
da potražim medicinsku pomoć,
da potražim medicinsku pomoć,
02:46
I duly complied, and which proved to be
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što sam ja u potpunosti poštovala,
ispostavilo se da je to bilo
ispostavilo se da je to bilo
02:48
mistake number two.
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greška broj dva.
02:50
I spent some time telling the college G.P.
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Provela sam neko vreme razgovarajući
sa fakultetskim psihologom
sa fakultetskim psihologom
02:52
about what I perceived to be the real problem:
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o tome šta sam mislila
da je glavni problem:
da je glavni problem:
02:54
anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,
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nervoza, nisko samopoštovanje,
strah od budućnosti,
strah od budućnosti,
02:57
and was met with bored indifference
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što je bilo suočeno sa ravnodušnošću
02:59
until I mentioned the voice,
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sve dok nisam spomenula glas,
03:01
upon which he dropped his pen, swung round
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na šta je on spustio olovku,
zamahnuo okolo
zamahnuo okolo
03:03
and began to question me with a show of real interest.
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i počeo da me ispituje
sa znacima pravog interesovanja.
sa znacima pravog interesovanja.
03:06
And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,
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A da budemo iskreni, bila sam očajna
za interesovanjem i za pomoći,
za interesovanjem i za pomoći,
03:08
and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.
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i počela sam da mu govorim
o mom čudnom komentatoru.
o mom čudnom komentatoru.
03:11
And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said,
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I oduvek sam želela da je
u tom trenutku glas rekao:
u tom trenutku glas rekao:
03:13
"She is digging her own grave."
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"Ona kopa svoj grob."
03:15
I was referred to a psychiatrist, who likewise
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Preporučen mi je psihijatar,
koji je na isti način
koji je na isti način
03:19
took a grim view of the voice's presence,
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strogo pogledao prisustvo glasa,
03:21
subsequently interpreting everything I said
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zatim tumačio sve što sam rekla
03:23
through a lens of latent insanity.
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kroz objektiv skrivenog ludila.
03:26
For example, I was part of a student TV station
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Na primer, bila sam deo
studentske TV stanice
studentske TV stanice
03:29
that broadcast news bulletins around the campus,
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koja je prenosila vesti
kroz studentski grad
kroz studentski grad
03:31
and during an appointment which was running very late,
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i za vreme sastanka
koji je bio jako kasno
koji je bio jako kasno
03:33
I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go.
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rekla sam: "Izvinite, doktore,
moram da idem.
moram da idem.
03:35
I'm reading the news at six."
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Čitam vesti u šest."
03:36
Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor
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Sada piše u mom
medicinskom kartonu da Elenor
medicinskom kartonu da Elenor
03:38
has delusions that she's a television news broadcaster.
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ima iluzije da je
komentator televizijskih vesti.
komentator televizijskih vesti.
03:42
It was at this point that events began
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U tom trenutku su događaji počeli
03:45
to rapidly overtake me.
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da me brzo obuzimaju.
03:47
A hospital admission followed, the first of many,
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Usledila je prijava u bolnicu,
prva od mnogo njih,
prva od mnogo njih,
03:50
a diagnosis of schizophrenia came next,
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dijagnoza šizofrenije je bila sledeća,
03:53
and then, worst of all, a toxic, tormenting sense
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a onda, najgore od svega,
otrovan, mučni osećaj
otrovan, mučni osećaj
03:56
of hopelessness, humiliation and despair
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beznadežnosti, ponižavanja i očajanja
04:00
about myself and my prospects.
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u vezi sa sobom
i svojim mogućnostima.
i svojim mogućnostima.
04:02
But having been encouraged to see the voice
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Ali kako sam bila ohrabrena
da vidim glas
da vidim glas
04:05
not as an experience but as a symptom,
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ne kao iskustvo već kao simptom,
04:07
my fear and resistance towards it intensified.
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moj strah i odbojnost su se
prema njemu pooštrili.
prema njemu pooštrili.
04:10
Now essentially, this represented taking
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U suštini, ovo predstavlja preuzimanje
04:12
an aggressive stance towards my own mind,
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agresivnog stava
prema sopstvenom umu,
prema sopstvenom umu,
04:14
a kind of psychic civil war,
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jednu vrstu psihičkog građanskog rata,
04:17
and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase
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a zauzvrat je izazvalo
povećanje broja glasova
povećanje broja glasova
04:20
and grow progressively hostile and menacing.
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koji su postepeno postajali sve više
neprijateljski i preteći.
neprijateljski i preteći.
04:23
Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat
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Bespomoćno i beznadežno,
počela sam da se povlačim
počela sam da se povlačim
04:27
into this nightmarish inner world
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u ovaj unutrašnji svet noćne more
04:29
in which the voices were destined to become
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u kom su glasovi predodređeni da budu
04:31
both my persecutors and my only perceived companions.
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oboje: i progonitelji i moji
jedini poznati drugovi.
jedini poznati drugovi.
04:35
They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy
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Rekli su mi, na primer,
da ako dokažem da sam vredna
da ako dokažem da sam vredna
04:38
of their help, then they could change my life
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njihove pomoći,
moći će da mi vrate život
moći će da mi vrate život
04:40
back to how it had been,
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u onakav kakav je ranije bio,
04:41
and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set,
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i zadati su mi nizovi
sve bizarnijih zadataka,
sve bizarnijih zadataka,
04:44
a kind of labor of Hercules.
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jedna vrsta Herkulesovog rada.
04:46
It started off quite small, for example,
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Počeli su kao mali zadaci, tipa,
04:48
pull out three strands of hair,
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izvući tri dlake kose,
04:50
but gradually it grew more extreme,
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ali postepeno je preraslo
u ekstremno,
u ekstremno,
04:51
culminating in commands to harm myself,
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kulminirajući u komande
da povredim sebe,
da povredim sebe,
04:54
and a particularly dramatic instruction:
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i posebno dramatične
instrukcije tipa:
instrukcije tipa:
04:56
"You see that tutor over there?
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"Vidiš onog tutora tamo?
04:58
You see that glass of water?
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Vidiš tu čašu vode?
04:59
Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."
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Pa, moraš da odeš tamo i poliješ ga
tom vodom pred svim studentima."
tom vodom pred svim studentima."
05:02
Which I actually did, and which needless to say
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Što sam zapravo i učinila
i za šta je bespotrebno reći
i za šta je bespotrebno reći
05:04
did not endear me to the faculty.
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da nije doprinelo
da se dopadnem fakultetu.
da se dopadnem fakultetu.
05:06
In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance,
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Bukvalno je nastao
zloban krug straha, izbegavanja,
zloban krug straha, izbegavanja,
05:10
mistrust and misunderstanding had been established,
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nepoverenja i nerazumevanja
05:13
and this was a battle in which I felt powerless
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i ovo je bila bitka u kojoj sam se
osećala nemoćnom
osećala nemoćnom
05:15
and incapable of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation.
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i nesposobnom da uspostavim
bilo kakav mir ili pomirenje.
bilo kakav mir ili pomirenje.
05:20
Two years later, and the deterioration was dramatic.
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Dve godine kasnije,
i pogoršanje je bilo dramatično.
i pogoršanje je bilo dramatično.
05:23
By now, I had the whole frenzied repertoire:
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Do tada, imala sam ceo
pomahnitao repertoar:
pomahnitao repertoar:
05:27
terrifying voices, grotesque visions,
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zastrašujuće glasove,
groteskna priviđenja,
groteskna priviđenja,
05:30
bizarre, intractable delusions.
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bizarne, tvrdoglave zablude.
05:33
My mental health status had been a catalyst
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Moje stanje mentalnog zdravlja
je bilo katalizator
je bilo katalizator
05:35
for discrimination, verbal abuse,
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za diskriminaciju,
verbalno zlostavljanje,
verbalno zlostavljanje,
05:38
and physical and sexual assault,
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fizičko i seksualno zlostavljanje,
05:40
and I'd been told by my psychiatrist,
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i psihijatar mi je rekao:
05:42
"Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer,
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"Elenor, bilo bi ti lakše
da boluješ od raka,
da boluješ od raka,
05:44
because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia."
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jer je lakše izlečiti rak
nego šizofreniju."
nego šizofreniju."
05:48
I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,
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Postavljena mi je dijagnoza,
bila sam na lekovima i odbačena,
bila sam na lekovima i odbačena,
05:51
and was by now so tormented by the voices
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i do sada toliko izmučena glasovima
05:53
that I attempted to drill a hole in my head
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da sam nameravala da iskopam
rupu u svojoj glavi
rupu u svojoj glavi
05:56
in order to get them out.
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da bih ih se otarasila.
05:58
Now looking back on the wreckage and despair of those years,
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Sada kada pogledam unazad
na brodolom i očaj tih godina,
na brodolom i očaj tih godina,
06:02
it seems to me now as if someone died in that place,
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čini mi se kao da je
neko umro na tom mestu,
neko umro na tom mestu,
06:06
and yet, someone else was saved.
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a ipak, neko drugi sačuvan.
06:09
A broken and haunted person began that journey,
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Polomljena i ukleta osoba
počela je to putovanje,
počela je to putovanje,
06:13
but the person who emerged was a survivor
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ali osoba koja se pojavila
bila je preživeli
bila je preživeli
06:16
and would ultimately grow into the person
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i na kraju postala osoba
06:18
I was destined to be.
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za koju sam bila predodređena.
06:20
Many people have harmed me in my life,
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Mnogo me je ljudi povredilo
u mom životu,
u mom životu,
06:23
and I remember them all,
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i sve njih pamtim,
06:24
but the memories grow pale and faint
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ali sećanja su izbledela i izgubila se
06:27
in comparison with the people who've helped me.
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u poređenju sa ljudima
koji su mi pomogli.
koji su mi pomogli.
06:31
The fellow survivors, the fellow voice-hearers,
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Drugovi preživeli,
drugovi koji čuju glas,
drugovi koji čuju glas,
06:33
the comrades and collaborators;
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prijatelji i saradnici:
06:35
the mother who never gave up on me,
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majka koja nikada nije
odustala od mene,
odustala od mene,
06:38
who knew that one day I would come back to her
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koja je znala da ću joj se
jednog dana vratiti
jednog dana vratiti
06:40
and was willing to wait for me for as long as it took;
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i bila voljna da me čeka
koliko god je trebalo;
koliko god je trebalo;
06:44
the doctor who only worked with me for a brief time
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doktor koji je radio sa mnom
samo na kratko vreme,
samo na kratko vreme,
06:47
but who reinforced his belief that recovery
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ali koji je jako verovao
da oporavak
da oporavak
06:49
was not only possible but inevitable,
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nije bio samo moguć već i neizbežan,
06:51
and during a devastating period of relapse
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i tokom poražavajućeg perioda vraćanja
06:53
told my terrified family, "Don't give up hope.
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govorio mojoj prestravljenoj porodici:
"Nemojte gubiti nadu.
"Nemojte gubiti nadu.
06:56
I believe that Eleanor can get through this.
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Verujem da Elenor može
da prođe kroz ovo.
da prođe kroz ovo.
06:59
Sometimes, you know, it snows as late as May,
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Znate, ponekad sneg pada i u maju,
07:02
but summer always comes eventually."
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ali leto uvek dođe."
07:06
Fourteen minutes is not enough time
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Četrnaest minuta nije dovoljno
07:07
to fully credit those good and generous people
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da u potpunosti navedem
sve dobre i velikodušne ljude
sve dobre i velikodušne ljude
07:10
who fought with me and for me
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koji su se borili sa mnom i za mene
07:12
and who waited to welcome me back
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i koji su čekali
da mi požele dobrodošlicu
da mi požele dobrodošlicu
07:14
from that agonized, lonely place.
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iz tog očajnog, usamljenog mesta.
07:17
But together, they forged a blend of courage,
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Ali zajedno, stvorili su
mešavinu hrabrosti,
mešavinu hrabrosti,
07:19
creativity, integrity, and an unshakeable belief
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kreativnosti, integriteta
i jedno nepokolebljivo verovanje
i jedno nepokolebljivo verovanje
07:22
that my shattered self could become healed and whole.
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da oštećena ja mogu biti
izlečena i zaceljena.
izlečena i zaceljena.
07:26
I used to say that these people saved me,
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Obično sam govorila
kako su me ovi ljudi spasili,
kako su me ovi ljudi spasili,
07:28
but what I now know is they did something
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ali ono što sada znam je
da su učinili nešto
da su učinili nešto
07:30
even more important in that they empowered me
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dosta važnije na taj način
da su me naterali da
da su me naterali da
07:32
to save myself,
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spasim sebe,
07:34
and crucially, they helped me to understand something
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i presudno, pomogli su mi
da razumem nešto
da razumem nešto
07:36
which I'd always suspected:
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u šta sam uvek sumnjala:
07:38
that my voices were a meaningful response
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da su moji glasovi bili
smislen odgovor
smislen odgovor
07:40
to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events,
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na traumatična životna dešavanja,
naročito događaje iz detinjstva,
naročito događaje iz detinjstva,
07:43
and as such were not my enemies
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i kao takvi, nisu bili
moji naprijatelji,
moji naprijatelji,
07:45
but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.
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nego izvor uvida
u rešive emotivne probleme.
u rešive emotivne probleme.
07:50
Now, at first, this was very difficult to believe,
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U početku u ovo je bilo
jako teško poverovati,
jako teško poverovati,
07:53
not least because the voices appeared so hostile
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ni najmanje zato što su glasovi
delovali tako neprijateljski
delovali tako neprijateljski
07:55
and menacing, so in this respect, a vital first step
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i preteći, time u tom pogledu,
bitan prvi korak
bitan prvi korak
07:59
was learning to separate out a metaphorical meaning
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je bio učenje da odvojim
metaforičko značenje
metaforičko značenje
08:01
from what I'd previously interpreted to be a literal truth.
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od onog što sam prethodno
tumačila kao bukvalnu istinu.
tumačila kao bukvalnu istinu.
08:05
So for example, voices which threatened to attack my home
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Na primer, glasove koji su pretili
da će moj dom biti napadnut
da će moj dom biti napadnut
08:08
I learned to interpret as my own sense of fear
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naučila sam da tumačim
kao moj lični osećaj straha
kao moj lični osećaj straha
08:11
and insecurity in the world, rather than an actual, objective danger.
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i nebezbednosti u ovom svetu,
a ne kao pravu, objektivnu opasnost.
a ne kao pravu, objektivnu opasnost.
08:15
Now at first, I would have believed them.
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U početku bih im verovala.
08:17
I remember, for example, sitting up one night
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Pamtim, na primer, kako sam
sedela jedne večeri
sedela jedne večeri
08:18
on guard outside my parents' room to protect them
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i čuvala sobu svojih roditelja
da bih ih zaštitila
da bih ih zaštitila
08:21
from what I thought was a genuine threat from the voices.
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od onog što sam mislila da je bilo
prava opasnost mojih glasova.
prava opasnost mojih glasova.
08:24
Because I'd had such a bad problem with self-injury
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Zbog toga što sam imala
dosta problema sa samopovređivanjem
dosta problema sa samopovređivanjem
08:27
that most of the cutlery in the house had been hidden,
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većina pribora za jelo
je bila sakrivena,
je bila sakrivena,
08:29
so I ended up arming myself with a plastic fork,
191
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pa sam se na kraju naoružala
plastičnom viljuškom,
plastičnom viljuškom,
08:32
kind of like picnic ware, and sort of sat outside the room
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2607
kao escajg za piknik,
sedela sam ispred sobe
sedela sam ispred sobe
08:34
clutching it and waiting to spring into action should anything happen.
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3893
stežući viljušku i čekajući
da skočim ako se išta desi.
da skočim ako se išta desi.
08:38
It was like, "Don't mess with me.
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Nešto poput:
"Nemojte da se kačite sa mnom.
"Nemojte da se kačite sa mnom.
08:40
I've got a plastic fork, don't you know?"
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Imam plastičnu viljušku,
zar ne znate?"
zar ne znate?"
08:43
Strategic.
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Strateški.
08:44
But a later response, and much more useful,
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2606
Ali kasniji odgovor, i mnogo korisniji,
08:47
would be to try and deconstruct the message behind the words,
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bio bi da pokušam
da dekonstruišem poruku iza reči,
da dekonstruišem poruku iza reči,
08:51
so when the voices warned me not to leave the house,
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tako kada su me glasovi upozoravali
da ne napuštam kuću,
da ne napuštam kuću,
08:54
then I would thank them for drawing my attention
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zahvalila bih im što mi privlače pažnju
08:56
to how unsafe I felt --
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na to koliko sam se nesigurno osećala,
08:57
because if I was aware of it, then I could do something positive about it --
202
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2893
jer kada sam bila svesna toga mogla sam
da uradim nešto pozitivno u vezi s tim -
da uradim nešto pozitivno u vezi s tim -
09:00
but go on to reassure both them and myself
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2487
ali da ponovo uverim oboje,
i njih i mene,
i njih i mene,
09:03
that we were safe and didn't need to feel frightened anymore.
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da smo bezbedni i da više
nema potrebe da se osećamo uplašenim.
nema potrebe da se osećamo uplašenim.
09:06
I would set boundaries for the voices,
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Postavila bih granice za glasove
09:08
and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive
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i pokušala da komuniciram sa njima
sa sigurnošću
sa sigurnošću
09:10
yet respectful, establishing a slow process
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2745
ali i uz puno poštovanja,
uspostavljajući spor proces
uspostavljajući spor proces
09:13
of communication and collaboration
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komunikacije i saradnje
09:15
in which we could learn to work together and support one another.
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na koji bismo mogli da naučimo
da sarađujemo i podržavamo jedno drugo.
da sarađujemo i podržavamo jedno drugo.
09:18
Throughout all of this, what I would ultimately realize
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Kroz sve ovo, ono što sam
na kraju shvatila
na kraju shvatila
09:21
was that each voice was closely related
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bilo je da je svaki glas
bio usko povezan
bio usko povezan
09:23
to aspects of myself, and that each of them
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sa aspektima mog života
i da svaki od njih
i da svaki od njih
09:25
carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had
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2047
nosi emocije za koje
nikad nisam imala
nikad nisam imala
09:27
an opportunity to process or resolve,
214
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2341
prilike da ih obradim
ili ih se rešim,
ili ih se rešim,
09:30
memories of sexual trauma and abuse,
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sećanja seksualnih trauma
i zlostavljanja,
i zlostavljanja,
09:32
of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.
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2911
besa, srama, krivice,
niskog samopouzdanja.
niskog samopouzdanja.
09:35
The voices took the place of this pain
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2500
Glasovi su zauzeli mesto ovog bola
09:38
and gave words to it,
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566164
1487
i tome dali reči,
09:39
and possibly one of the greatest revelations
219
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1839
a jedno od moguće najvećih otkrovenja
09:41
was when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices
220
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3000
bilo je kada sam shvatila da
najneprijateljskiji i najagresivnji
najneprijateljskiji i najagresivnji
09:44
actually represented the parts of me
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1747
zapravo predstavljaju delove mene
09:46
that had been hurt most profoundly,
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2237
koji su bili najdublje povređeni,
09:48
and as such, it was these voices
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2152
i kao takvima, upravo tim glasovima
09:50
that needed to be shown the greatest compassion and care.
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je bilo potrebno pokazati
najveće saosećanje i brigu.
najveće saosećanje i brigu.
09:53
It was armed with this knowledge that ultimately
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Naoružana znanjem da bih na kraju
09:56
I would gather together my shattered self,
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sakupila popucalu sebe,
09:59
each fragment represented by a different voice,
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svaki odlomak predstavljen
drugačijim glasom,
drugačijim glasom,
10:01
gradually withdraw from all my medication,
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2051
postepeno bih smanjivala
sve svoje lekove,
sve svoje lekove,
10:03
and return to psychiatry, only this time from the other side.
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i vratila se psihijatriji,
samo ovog puta sa druge strane.
samo ovog puta sa druge strane.
10:08
Ten years after the voice first came, I finally graduated,
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3598
Deset godina posle prve pojave glasa,
konačno sam diplomirala,
konačno sam diplomirala,
10:12
this time with the highest degree in psychology
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1894
ovog puta sa najvišom
ocenom iz psihologije
ocenom iz psihologije
10:14
the university had ever given, and one year later,
232
602117
2458
koju je univerzitet ikada dao,
a godinu dana kasnije,
a godinu dana kasnije,
10:16
the highest masters, which shall we say
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1779
najveći master, što, da kažemo,
10:18
isn't bad for a madwoman.
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1826
i nije tako loše za ludu ženu.
10:20
In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers
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Zapravo, jedan od glasova
je diktirao odgovore
je diktirao odgovore
10:22
during the exam, which technically possibly counts as cheating.
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3230
za vreme ispita, što je tehnički
moguće računati kao varanje.
moguće računati kao varanje.
10:25
(Laughter)
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1683
(Smeh)
10:27
And to be honest, sometimes I quite enjoyed their attention as well.
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2734
I da budem iskrena, uživala sam
ponekad u njihovoj pažnji.
ponekad u njihovoj pažnji.
10:30
As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse
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kao što je Oskar Vajld rekao:
jedina stvar gora
jedina stvar gora
10:31
than being talked about is not being talked about.
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3131
od toga da se o vama govori
je da se o vama ne govori.
je da se o vama ne govori.
10:34
It also makes you very good at eavesdropping,
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2072
To te takođe čini dobrim
u prisluškivanju,
u prisluškivanju,
10:36
because you can listen to two conversations simultaneously.
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2323
zato što možeš da slušaš
dva razgovora u isto vreme.
dva razgovora u isto vreme.
10:39
So it's not all bad.
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1895
Dakle, nije to tako loše.
10:41
I worked in mental health services,
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1543
Radila sam u službi
za mentalno zdravlje,
za mentalno zdravlje,
10:42
I spoke at conferences,
245
630753
2369
držala govore na konferencijama,
10:45
I published book chapters and academic articles,
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633122
2268
izdavala sam poglavlja
u knjigama i akademske članke,
u knjigama i akademske članke,
10:47
and I argued, and continue to do so,
247
635390
2832
i zalagala se,
što i nastavljam da radim,
što i nastavljam da radim,
10:50
the relevance of the following concept:
248
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2244
za relevantnost sledećeg koncepta:
10:52
that an important question in psychiatry
249
640466
2252
bitno pitanje u psihijatriji
10:54
shouldn't be what's wrong with you
250
642718
1543
ne bi trebalo da bude
šta je nije u redu sa tobom
šta je nije u redu sa tobom
10:56
but rather what's happened to you.
251
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2705
već šta ti se desilo.
10:58
And all the while, I listened to my voices,
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2862
I sve vreme,
slušala sam svoje glasove,
slušala sam svoje glasove,
11:01
with whom I'd finally learned to live with peace and respect
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649828
2604
sa kojima sam konačno naučila
da živim u miru i poštovanju
da živim u miru i poštovanju
11:04
and which in turn reflected a growing sense
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652432
2396
a koji su zazvrat odrazili rastuće osećanje
11:06
of compassion, acceptance and respect towards myself.
255
654828
3663
samopoštovanja, prihvatanja
i poštovanja same sebe.
i poštovanja same sebe.
11:10
And I remember the most moving and extraordinary moment
256
658491
3158
Pamtim izvanredni trenutak
najvećeg napretka
najvećeg napretka
11:13
when supporting another young woman who was terrorized by her voices,
257
661649
2930
kada sam podržavala drugu mladu ženu
koja je bila terorizovana svojim glasovima,
koja je bila terorizovana svojim glasovima,
11:16
and becoming fully aware, for the very first time,
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664579
2599
i konačno shvatila u potpunosti,
po prvi put,
po prvi put,
11:19
that I no longer felt that way myself
259
667178
2676
da se više nisam osećala tako
11:21
but was finally able to help someone else who was.
260
669854
3724
već spremnom da pomognem
nekom drugom ko jeste.
nekom drugom ko jeste.
11:25
I'm now very proud to be a part of Intervoice,
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673578
3568
Sada sam jako ponosna
što sam deo Unutrašnjeg glasa,
što sam deo Unutrašnjeg glasa,
11:29
the organizational body of the International Hearing Voices Movement,
262
677146
3969
organizacionog tela
Međunarodnog pokreta "Hearing Vocies",
Međunarodnog pokreta "Hearing Vocies",
11:33
an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme
263
681115
3383
koji je inicijativa inspirisana
delom profesora Mariusa Rome
delom profesora Mariusa Rome
11:36
and Dr. Sandra Escher,
264
684498
1252
i dr Sandre Ešer,
11:37
which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy,
265
685750
3196
i koji smatra čujenje glasova
kao strategiju preživljavanja,
kao strategiju preživljavanja,
11:40
a sane reaction to insane circumstances,
266
688946
3366
i zdravu reakciju
na nezdrave okolnosti,
na nezdrave okolnosti,
11:44
not as an aberrant symptom of schizophrenia to be endured,
267
692312
3659
ne kao nenormalni simptom
šizofrenije koji treba trpeti,
šizofrenije koji treba trpeti,
11:47
but a complex, significant and meaningful experience
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3264
već kao kompleksno
i značajno iskustvo
i značajno iskustvo
11:51
to be explored.
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2324
koje treba izučiti.
11:53
Together, we envisage and enact a society
270
701559
2283
Zajedno, predočavamo
i predstavljamo društvo
i predstavljamo društvo
11:55
that understands and respects voice hearing,
271
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2477
koje razume i poštuje glasove,
11:58
supports the needs of individuals who hear voices,
272
706319
2313
podržava potrebe
individua koje ih čuju,
individua koje ih čuju,
12:00
and which values them as full citizens.
273
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3373
i koje ih vrednuje
kao punopravne građane.
kao punopravne građane.
12:04
This type of society is not only possible,
274
712005
2286
Ovaj tip društva nije samo moguć,
12:06
it's already on its way.
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714291
2012
nego je već u nastanku.
12:08
To paraphrase Chavez, once social change begins,
276
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3794
Da parafraziram Čaveza:
kada jedna drušvena promena počne,
kada jedna drušvena promena počne,
12:12
it cannot be reversed.
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2092
ne može biti preokrenuta.
12:14
You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride.
278
722189
3227
Ne možete poniziti osobu
koja se oseća ponosno.
koja se oseća ponosno.
12:17
You cannot oppress the people
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725416
1791
Ne možete tlačiti ljude
12:19
who are not afraid anymore.
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koji više nisu uplašeni.
12:21
For me, the achievements of the Hearing Voices Movement
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Po meni, dostignuća pokreta
"Hearing Voices"
"Hearing Voices"
12:24
are a reminder that empathy, fellowship,
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su podsetinik
da su empatija i drugarstvo,
da su empatija i drugarstvo,
12:26
justice and respect are more than words;
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pravda i poštovanje više od reči;
12:29
they are convictions and beliefs,
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oni su ubeđenja i verovanja,
12:32
and that beliefs can change the world.
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i da verovanja mogu da promene svet.
12:34
In the last 20 years, the Hearing Voices Movement
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U poslednjih 20 godina,
pokret "Hearing Voices"
pokret "Hearing Voices"
12:37
has established hearing voices networks
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uspostavio je mrežu
onih koji čuju glasove,
onih koji čuju glasove,
12:39
in 26 countries across five continents,
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u 26 zemalja preko pet kontinenata,
12:42
working together to promote dignity, solidarity
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radeći zajedno da promovišu
dostojanstvo, solidarnost
dostojanstvo, solidarnost
12:45
and empowerment for individuals in mental distress,
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i osnaživanje idividua
sa mentalnim nevoljama,
sa mentalnim nevoljama,
12:49
to create a new language and practice of hope,
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da stvore novi jezik i praksu nade,
12:52
which, at its very center, lies an unshakable belief
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koja, u svom centru, leži
na nepokolebljivom verovanju
na nepokolebljivom verovanju
12:56
in the power of the individual.
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u moć pojedinca.
12:59
As Peter Levine has said, the human animal
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Kao što je Piter Lavin rekao:
ljudska životinja
ljudska životinja
13:02
is a unique being
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je jedinstveno biće obdarenao
13:03
endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal
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instinktivnim kapacitetom
za izlečenjem
za izlečenjem
13:07
and the intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity.
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i intelektualnim duhom da iskoristi
ovaj urođeni kapacitet.
ovaj urođeni kapacitet.
13:11
In this respect, for members of society,
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U ovom pogledu, za članove društva,
13:13
there is no greater honor or privilege
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ne postoji veća čast ili privilegija
13:16
than facilitating that process of healing for someone,
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od olakšavanja tog procesa
izlečenja neke osobe,
izlečenja neke osobe,
13:18
to bear witness, to reach out a hand,
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biti svedok, ispružiti ruku,
13:21
to share the burden of someone's suffering,
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deliti teret onoga koji pati,
13:24
and to hold the hope for their recovery.
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i verovati u njihov oporavak.
13:27
And likewise, for survivors of distress and adversity,
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Na taj način, za preživele
nevolja i nesreća,
nevolja i nesreća,
13:29
that we remember we don't have to live our lives
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pamtimo da ne moramo živeti
13:32
forever defined by the damaging things that have happened to us.
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zauvek definisani oštećujućim stvarima
koje su nam se desile.
koje su nam se desile.
13:36
We are unique. We are irreplaceable.
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Mi smo jedinstveni.
Mi smo nezamenljivi.
Mi smo nezamenljivi.
13:38
What lies within us can never be truly colonized,
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Ono što leži u nama ne može
nikad biti zaista kolonizovano,
nikad biti zaista kolonizovano,
13:41
contorted, or taken away.
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kontrolisano ili uzeto.
13:43
The light never goes out.
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Svetlo se nikad ne gasi.
13:47
As a very wonderful doctor once said to me,
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Kao što mi je jednom
jedan predivan doktor rekao:
jedan predivan doktor rekao:
13:49
"Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself.
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"Nemoj mi reći šta su ti
drugi ljudi rekli o tebi.
drugi ljudi rekli o tebi.
13:53
Tell me about you."
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Ti mi reci o sebi."
13:56
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
13:58
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eleanor Longden - Research psychologistEleanor Longden overcame her diagnosis of schizophrenia to earn a master’s in psychology and demonstrate that the voices in her head were “a sane reaction to insane circumstances.”
Why you should listen
Despite what traditional medicine may opine, Eleanor Longden isn’t crazy -- and neither are many other people who hear voices in their heads. In fact, the psychic phenomenon is a “creative and ingenious survival strategy” that should be seen “not as an abstract symptom of illness to be endured, but as complex, significant, and meaningful experience to be explored,” the British psychology researcher says.
Longden spent many years in the psychiatric system before earning a BSc and an MSc in psychology, the highest classifications ever granted by the University of Leeds, England. Today she is studying for her PhD, and lectures and writes about recovery-oriented approaches to psychosis, dissociation and complex trauma.
More profile about the speakerLongden spent many years in the psychiatric system before earning a BSc and an MSc in psychology, the highest classifications ever granted by the University of Leeds, England. Today she is studying for her PhD, and lectures and writes about recovery-oriented approaches to psychosis, dissociation and complex trauma.
Eleanor Longden | Speaker | TED.com