TEDSummit
Helen Fisher: Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why
Filmed:
Readability: 4.2
2,072,351 views
In our tech-driven, interconnected world, we've developed new ways and rules to court each other, but the fundamental principles of love have stayed the same, says anthropologist Helen Fisher. Our faster connections, she suggests, are actually leading to slower, more intimate relationships. At 12:20, couples therapist and relationship expert Esther Perel steps in to make an important point -- that while love itself stays the same, technology has affected the way we form and end relationships.
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love. Full bio
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I was recently traveling
in the Highlands of New Guinea,
in the Highlands of New Guinea,
0
827
3061
00:15
and I was talking with a man
who had three wives.
who had three wives.
1
3912
2494
00:18
I asked him, "How many wives
would you like to have?"
would you like to have?"
2
6905
3089
00:22
And there was this long pause,
3
10340
1434
00:23
and I thought to myself,
4
11798
1195
00:25
"Is he going to say five?
5
13017
1551
00:26
Is he going to say 10?
6
14592
1427
00:28
Is he going to say 25?"
7
16043
1842
00:29
And he leaned towards me
8
17909
1162
00:31
and he whispered, "None."
9
19095
1510
00:32
(Laughter)
10
20629
2180
00:35
Eighty-six percent of human societies
permit a man to have several wives:
permit a man to have several wives:
11
23514
4375
00:39
polygeny.
12
27913
1151
00:41
But in the vast majority
of these cultures,
of these cultures,
13
29088
2109
00:43
only about five or ten percent of men
actually do have several wives.
actually do have several wives.
14
31221
4298
00:47
Having several partners
can be a toothache.
can be a toothache.
15
35543
2347
00:49
In fact, co-wives can
fight with each other,
fight with each other,
16
37914
3120
00:53
sometimes they can even poison
each other's children.
each other's children.
17
41058
2937
00:56
And you've got to have
a lot of cows, a lot of goats,
a lot of cows, a lot of goats,
18
44455
2651
00:59
a lot of money, a lot of land,
19
47130
1965
01:01
in order to build a harem.
20
49119
1536
01:03
We are a pair-bonding species.
21
51017
2375
01:05
Ninety-seven percent of mammals
do not pair up to rear their young;
do not pair up to rear their young;
22
53416
3538
01:08
human beings do.
23
56978
1828
01:10
I'm not suggesting that we're not --
24
58830
2150
01:13
that we're necessarily
sexually faithful to our partners.
sexually faithful to our partners.
25
61004
3147
01:16
I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,
26
64175
2748
01:18
I understand, actually,
some of the genetics of it,
some of the genetics of it,
27
66947
2435
01:21
and some of the brain circuitry of it.
28
69406
1848
01:23
It's very common around the world,
29
71278
1943
01:25
but we are built to love.
30
73245
1937
01:27
How is technology changing love?
31
75716
3316
01:31
I'm going to say almost not at all.
32
79515
2472
01:34
I study the brain.
33
82744
1354
01:36
I and my colleagues have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner --
over 100 people into a brain scanner --
34
84122
3730
01:39
people who had just
fallen happily in love,
fallen happily in love,
35
87876
3007
01:42
people who had just been rejected in love
36
90907
2031
01:44
and people who are in love long-term.
37
92962
1873
01:46
And it is possible
to remain "in love" long-term.
to remain "in love" long-term.
38
94859
3187
01:50
And I've long ago maintained
39
98543
1906
01:52
that we've evolved three distinctly
different brain systems
different brain systems
40
100473
3025
01:55
for mating and reproduction:
41
103522
1837
01:57
sex drive,
42
105383
1152
01:58
feelings of intense romantic love
43
106559
1936
02:00
and feelings of deep cosmic
attachment to a long-term partner.
attachment to a long-term partner.
44
108519
3746
02:04
And together, these three brain systems --
45
112289
2436
02:06
with many other parts of the brain --
46
114749
2488
02:09
orchestrate our sexual,
our romantic and our family lives.
our romantic and our family lives.
47
117261
5126
02:14
But they lie way below the cortex,
48
122411
2393
02:16
way below the limbic system
where we feel our emotions,
where we feel our emotions,
49
124828
4221
02:21
generate our emotions.
50
129073
1287
02:22
They lie in the most primitive parts
of the brain, linked with energy,
of the brain, linked with energy,
51
130384
4815
02:27
focus, craving, motivation,
wanting and drive.
wanting and drive.
52
135223
5256
02:32
In this case,
53
140503
1153
02:33
the drive to win life's greatest prize:
54
141680
2531
02:36
a mating partner.
55
144235
1434
02:37
They evolved over 4.4 million years ago
among our first ancestors,
among our first ancestors,
56
145693
4517
02:42
and they're not going to change
if you swipe left or right on Tinder.
if you swipe left or right on Tinder.
57
150234
4462
02:46
(Laughter)
58
154720
1547
02:48
(Applause)
59
156291
2446
02:50
There's no question that technology
is changing the way we court:
is changing the way we court:
60
158761
4615
02:55
emailing, texting,
61
163400
1924
02:57
emojis to express your emotions,
62
165348
1975
02:59
sexting,
63
167347
1264
03:00
"liking" a photograph, selfies ...
64
168635
2436
03:03
We're seeing new rules
and taboos for how to court.
and taboos for how to court.
65
171095
4112
03:07
But, you know --
66
175936
1987
03:09
is this actually
dramatically changing love?
dramatically changing love?
67
177947
3144
03:13
What about the late 1940s,
68
181730
2364
03:16
when the automobile became very popular
69
184118
2561
03:18
and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?
70
186703
2346
03:21
(Laughter)
71
189073
1718
03:22
How about the introduction
of the birth control pill?
of the birth control pill?
72
190815
4238
03:27
Unchained from the great threat
of pregnancy and social ruin,
of pregnancy and social ruin,
73
195491
5297
03:32
women could finally express
their primitive and primal sexuality.
their primitive and primal sexuality.
74
200812
4424
03:37
Even dating sites are not changing love.
75
205724
3017
03:40
I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,
76
208765
2558
03:43
I've been it for 11 years.
77
211347
1680
03:45
I keep telling them
and they agree with me,
and they agree with me,
78
213051
2004
03:47
that these are not dating sites,
79
215079
1539
03:48
they are introducing sites.
80
216642
2013
03:51
When you sit down in a bar,
81
219017
2263
03:53
in a coffee house,
82
221304
1584
03:54
on a park bench,
83
222912
1356
03:56
your ancient brain snaps into action
like a sleeping cat awakened,
like a sleeping cat awakened,
84
224292
5005
04:01
and you smile
85
229321
1299
04:02
and laugh
86
230644
1158
04:03
and listen
87
231826
1182
04:05
and parade the way our ancestors
did 100,000 years ago.
did 100,000 years ago.
88
233032
4873
04:10
We can give you various people --
89
238424
1953
04:12
all the dating sites can --
90
240401
1565
04:13
but the only real algorithm
is your own human brain.
is your own human brain.
91
241990
3913
04:17
Technology is not going to change that.
92
245927
2572
04:21
Technology is also not going to change
who you choose to love.
who you choose to love.
93
249041
4644
04:25
I study the biology of personality,
94
253709
2696
04:28
and I've come to believe
95
256429
1212
04:29
that we've evolved four very broad
styles of thinking and behaving,
styles of thinking and behaving,
96
257665
4283
04:33
linked with the dopamine, serotonin,
97
261972
1830
04:35
testosterone and estrogen systems.
98
263826
2178
04:38
So I created a questionnaire
directly from brain science
directly from brain science
99
266358
4153
04:42
to measure the degree to which
you express the traits --
you express the traits --
100
270535
3142
04:45
the constellation of traits --
101
273701
1754
04:47
linked with each
of these four brain systems.
of these four brain systems.
102
275479
3008
04:50
I then put that questionnaire
on various dating sites
on various dating sites
103
278829
4868
04:55
in 40 countries.
104
283721
1642
04:57
Fourteen million or more people
have now taken the questionnaire,
have now taken the questionnaire,
105
285969
3890
05:01
and I've been able to watch
who's naturally drawn to whom.
who's naturally drawn to whom.
106
289883
3925
05:06
And as it turns out,
107
294462
1511
05:07
those who were very expressive
of the dopamine system
of the dopamine system
108
295997
2569
05:10
tend to be curious, creative,
spontaneous, energetic --
spontaneous, energetic --
109
298590
3135
05:13
I would imagine there's an awful lot
of people like that in this room --
of people like that in this room --
110
301749
3451
05:17
they're drawn to people like themselves.
111
305224
1928
05:19
Curious, creative people
need people like themselves.
need people like themselves.
112
307176
3383
05:22
People who are very expressive
of the serotonin system
of the serotonin system
113
310583
2638
05:25
tend to be traditional, conventional,
they follow the rules,
they follow the rules,
114
313245
2879
05:28
they respect authority,
115
316148
1878
05:30
they tend to be religious -- religiosity
is in the serotonin system --
is in the serotonin system --
116
318050
3386
05:33
and traditional people
go for traditional people.
go for traditional people.
117
321460
3337
05:36
In that way, similarity attracts.
118
324821
2664
05:39
In the other two cases, opposites attract.
119
327509
2222
05:41
People very expressive
of the testosterone system
of the testosterone system
120
329755
2297
05:44
tend to be analytical,
logical, direct, decisive,
logical, direct, decisive,
121
332076
3923
05:48
and they go for their opposite:
122
336023
1482
05:49
they go for somebody who's high estrogen,
123
337529
2253
05:51
somebody who's got very good verbal skills
124
339806
2242
05:54
and people skills,
125
342072
1242
05:55
who's very intuitive
126
343338
1448
05:56
and who's very nurturing
and emotionally expressive.
and emotionally expressive.
127
344810
3313
06:00
We have natural patterns of mate choice.
128
348519
2572
06:03
Modern technology is not going
to change who we choose to love.
to change who we choose to love.
129
351468
5056
06:09
But technology is producing
one modern trend
one modern trend
130
357488
2553
06:12
that I find particularly important.
131
360065
1736
06:14
It's associated with the concept
of paradox of choice.
of paradox of choice.
132
362151
3688
06:18
For millions of years,
133
366372
1454
06:19
we lived in little hunting
and gathering groups.
and gathering groups.
134
367850
2267
06:22
You didn't have the opportunity to choose
135
370141
2526
06:24
between 1,000 people on a dating site.
136
372691
3110
06:28
In fact, I've been studying this recently,
137
376261
2057
06:30
and I actually think there's some
sort of sweet spot in the brain;
sort of sweet spot in the brain;
138
378342
3155
06:33
I don't know what it is, but apparently,
from reading a lot of the data,
from reading a lot of the data,
139
381521
3951
06:37
we can embrace about five
to nine alternatives, and after that,
to nine alternatives, and after that,
140
385496
5151
06:42
you get into what academics
call "cognitive overload,"
call "cognitive overload,"
141
390671
3220
06:45
and you don't choose any.
142
393915
1801
06:48
So I've come to think that due
to this cognitive overload,
to this cognitive overload,
143
396175
3146
06:51
we're ushering in a new form of courtship
144
399345
3311
06:54
that I call "slow love."
145
402680
1945
06:57
I arrived at this during
my work with Match.com.
my work with Match.com.
146
405219
3547
07:01
Every year for the last six years,
147
409400
1681
07:03
we've done a study called
"Singles in America."
"Singles in America."
148
411105
2693
07:05
We don't poll the Match population,
149
413822
1808
07:07
we poll the American population.
150
415654
1960
07:09
We use 5,000-plus people,
151
417638
2969
07:12
a representative sample of Americans
based on the US census.
based on the US census.
152
420631
3897
07:16
We've got data now on over 30,000 people,
153
424552
2892
07:19
and every single year,
154
427468
2467
07:21
I see some of the same patterns.
155
429959
2526
07:24
Every single year when I ask the question,
156
432509
2779
07:27
over 50 percent of people
have had a one-night stand --
have had a one-night stand --
157
435312
2763
07:30
not necessarily last year,
but in their lives --
but in their lives --
158
438099
2667
07:32
50 percent have had
a friends with benefits
a friends with benefits
159
440790
2273
07:35
during the course of their lives,
160
443087
1607
07:36
and over 50 percent have lived
with a person long-term
with a person long-term
161
444718
3568
07:40
before marrying.
162
448310
1436
07:41
Americans think that this is reckless.
163
449770
2202
07:43
I have doubted that for a long time;
164
451996
2919
07:46
the patterns are too strong.
165
454939
1892
07:48
There's got to be some
Darwinian explanation --
Darwinian explanation --
166
456855
2728
07:51
Not that many people are crazy.
167
459607
2326
07:53
And I stumbled, then, on a statistic
that really came home to me.
that really came home to me.
168
461957
3888
07:58
It was a very interesting academic article
169
466267
2599
08:00
in which I found that 67 percent
of singles in America today
of singles in America today
170
468890
5013
08:05
who are living long-term with somebody,
171
473927
2414
08:08
have not yet married because
they are terrified of divorce.
they are terrified of divorce.
172
476365
4087
08:12
They're terrified of the social,
173
480476
1856
08:14
legal, emotional,
174
482356
1533
08:15
economic consequences of divorce.
175
483913
2869
08:18
So I came to realize that I don't think
this is recklessness;
this is recklessness;
176
486806
3758
08:22
I think it's caution.
177
490588
1676
08:24
Today's singles want to know
every single thing about a partner
every single thing about a partner
178
492791
5022
08:29
before they wed.
179
497837
1629
08:31
You learn a lot between the sheets,
180
499490
1929
08:33
not only about how somebody makes love,
181
501443
2512
08:35
but whether they're kind,
182
503979
1370
08:37
whether they can listen
183
505373
1342
08:38
and at my age,
184
506739
1172
08:39
whether they've got a sense of humor.
185
507935
1778
08:41
(Laughter)
186
509737
1403
08:43
And in an age where we have
too many choices,
too many choices,
187
511164
3454
08:47
we have very little fear
of pregnancy and disease
of pregnancy and disease
188
515075
3262
08:50
and we've got no feeling of shame
for sex before marriage,
for sex before marriage,
189
518361
3708
08:54
I think people are taking
their time to love.
their time to love.
190
522093
3698
08:58
And actually, what's happening is,
191
526408
1651
09:00
what we're seeing is a real expansion
of the precommitment stage
of the precommitment stage
192
528083
3861
09:03
before you tie the knot.
193
531968
1736
09:06
Where marriage used to be
the beginning of a relationship,
the beginning of a relationship,
194
534034
2726
09:08
now it's the finale.
195
536784
1669
09:11
But the human brain --
196
539413
1740
09:13
(Laughter)
197
541177
2009
09:15
The human brain always triumphs,
198
543210
1814
09:17
and indeed, in the United States today,
199
545048
1895
09:18
86 percent of Americans
will marry by age 49.
will marry by age 49.
200
546967
3498
09:22
And even in cultures around the world
where they're not marrying as often,
where they're not marrying as often,
201
550489
3546
09:26
they are settling down eventually
with a long-term partner.
with a long-term partner.
202
554059
3275
09:29
So it began to occur to me:
203
557358
1835
09:31
during this long extension
of the precommitment stage,
of the precommitment stage,
204
559217
4567
09:35
if you can get rid of bad
relationships before you marry,
relationships before you marry,
205
563808
3173
09:39
maybe we're going to see
more happy marriages.
more happy marriages.
206
567005
2447
09:41
So I did a study of 1,100
married people in America --
married people in America --
207
569838
4875
09:46
not on Match.com, of course --
208
574737
1727
09:48
and I asked them a lot of questions.
209
576488
2116
09:50
But one of the questions was,
210
578628
1507
09:52
"Would you re-marry the person
you're currently married to?"
you're currently married to?"
211
580159
4572
09:56
And 81 percent said, "Yes."
212
584755
2865
10:00
In fact, the greatest change
in modern romance and family life
in modern romance and family life
213
588613
6479
10:07
is not technology.
214
595116
1400
10:09
It's not even slow love.
215
597070
1494
10:11
It's actually women
piling into the job market
piling into the job market
216
599047
2951
10:14
in cultures around the world.
217
602022
1423
10:15
For millions of years,
218
603767
1229
10:17
our ancestors lived
in little hunting and gathering groups.
in little hunting and gathering groups.
219
605020
2970
10:20
Women commuted to work
to gather their fruits and vegetables.
to gather their fruits and vegetables.
220
608014
2905
10:22
They came home with 60 to 80
percent of the evening meal.
percent of the evening meal.
221
610943
3510
10:26
The double-income family was the rule.
222
614477
2693
10:29
And women were regarded
as just as economically, socially
as just as economically, socially
223
617194
3941
10:33
and sexually powerful as men.
224
621159
3115
10:36
Then the environment changed
some 10,000 years ago,
some 10,000 years ago,
225
624298
3102
10:39
we began to settle down on the farm
226
627424
2229
10:41
and both men and women
became obliged, really,
became obliged, really,
227
629677
3191
10:44
to marry the right person,
228
632892
1572
10:46
from the right background,
229
634488
1430
10:47
from the right religion
230
635942
1303
10:49
and from the right kin
and social and political connections.
and social and political connections.
231
637269
3538
10:52
Men's jobs became more important:
232
640831
1594
10:54
they had to move the rocks,
fell the trees, plow the land.
fell the trees, plow the land.
233
642449
2737
10:57
They brought the produce
to local markets, and came home
to local markets, and came home
234
645210
2924
11:00
with the equivalent of money.
235
648158
1514
11:01
Along with this,
236
649696
1546
11:03
we see a rise of a host of beliefs:
237
651266
2977
11:06
the belief of virginity at marriage,
238
654267
2182
11:08
arranged marriages --
strictly arranged marriages --
strictly arranged marriages --
239
656473
2943
11:11
the belief that the man
is the head of the household,
is the head of the household,
240
659440
2527
11:13
that the wife's place is in the home
241
661991
2239
11:16
and most important,
242
664254
1153
11:17
honor thy husband,
and 'til death do us part.
and 'til death do us part.
243
665431
3131
11:20
These are gone.
244
668586
1722
11:22
They are going, and in many places,
245
670332
2549
11:24
they are gone.
246
672905
1388
11:26
We are right now in a marriage revolution.
247
674317
3423
11:29
We are shedding 10,000 years
of our farming tradition
of our farming tradition
248
677764
4715
11:34
and moving forward towards egalitarian
relationships between the sexes --
relationships between the sexes --
249
682503
5626
11:40
something I regard as highly compatible
with the ancient human spirit.
with the ancient human spirit.
250
688153
4815
11:45
I'm not a Pollyanna;
251
693562
1702
11:47
there's a great deal to cry about.
252
695288
1761
11:49
I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,
253
697073
1746
11:50
I've studied, as I say,
adultery in many --
adultery in many --
254
698843
2136
11:53
there's a whole pile of problems.
255
701003
1816
11:54
As William Butler Yeats,
the poet, once said,
the poet, once said,
256
702843
3192
11:58
"Love is the crooked thing."
257
706059
2465
12:01
I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."
258
709131
2790
12:03
(Laughter)
259
711945
1095
12:05
We all have problems.
260
713064
1467
12:06
But in fact, I think the poet
Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.
Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.
261
714925
3604
12:10
He said, "The dark, uneasy world
of family life --
of family life --
262
718553
4999
12:15
where the greatest can fail,
and the humblest succeed."
and the humblest succeed."
263
723576
4518
12:20
But I will leave you with this:
264
728779
1887
12:22
love and attachment will prevail,
265
730690
2728
12:25
technology cannot change it.
266
733442
2533
12:27
And I will conclude by saying
267
735999
1838
12:29
any understanding of human relationships
must take into account
must take into account
268
737861
5246
12:35
one the most powerful determinants
of human behavior:
of human behavior:
269
743131
4225
12:39
the unquenchable,
270
747380
1218
12:41
adaptable
271
749217
1165
12:42
and primordial human drive to love.
272
750789
3006
12:45
Thank you.
273
753819
1152
12:46
(Applause)
274
754995
3022
12:51
Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen.
so much for that, Helen.
275
759915
2381
12:54
As you know, there's another
speaker here with us
speaker here with us
276
762320
2309
12:56
that works in your same field.
277
764653
1550
12:58
She comes at it
from a different perspective.
from a different perspective.
278
766227
2431
13:00
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist
who works with couples.
who works with couples.
279
768682
4637
13:05
You study data,
280
773749
1293
13:07
Esther studies the stories
the couples tell her
the couples tell her
281
775066
2500
13:09
when they come to her for help.
282
777590
2028
13:11
Let's have her join us on the stage.
283
779642
1724
13:13
Esther?
284
781390
1151
13:14
(Applause)
285
782565
3131
13:22
So Esther,
286
790249
1246
13:23
when you were watching Helen's talk,
287
791519
2272
13:25
was there any part of it
288
793815
1206
13:27
that resonated with you
through the lens of your own work
through the lens of your own work
289
795045
2767
13:29
that you'd like to comment on?
290
797836
1585
13:32
Esther Perel: It's interesting,
because on the one hand,
because on the one hand,
291
800062
3579
13:35
the need for love
is ubiquitous and universal.
is ubiquitous and universal.
292
803665
3829
13:39
But the way we love --
293
807965
1964
13:41
the meaning we make out of it --
294
809953
1530
13:43
the rules that govern
our relationships, I think,
our relationships, I think,
295
811507
2325
13:45
are changing fundamentally.
296
813856
2027
13:47
We come from a model that, until now,
297
815907
2900
13:50
was primarily regulated
around duty and obligation,
around duty and obligation,
298
818831
3463
13:54
the needs of the collective and loyalty.
299
822318
2397
13:56
And we have shifted it
300
824739
1180
13:57
to a model of free choice
and individual rights,
and individual rights,
301
825943
4330
14:02
and self-fulfillment and happiness.
302
830297
3076
14:05
And so, that was
the first thing I thought,
the first thing I thought,
303
833397
2320
14:07
that the need doesn't change,
304
835741
1768
14:09
but the context and the way
we regulate these relationships
we regulate these relationships
305
837533
3808
14:13
changes a lot.
306
841365
1278
14:14
On the paradox of choice --
307
842667
1840
14:18
you know, on the one hand
we relish the novelty
we relish the novelty
308
846682
2327
14:21
and the playfulness, I think,
309
849033
1592
14:22
to be able to have so many options.
310
850649
2711
14:25
And at the same time,
311
853384
1361
14:26
as you talk about this cognitive overload,
312
854769
2414
14:29
I see many, many people who ...
313
857207
3448
14:34
who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt
314
862391
4106
14:38
that comes with this massa of choice,
315
866521
2549
14:41
creating a case of "FOMO"
316
869094
2259
14:43
and then leading us --
317
871377
1642
14:45
FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,
or fear of missing out --
or fear of missing out --
318
873043
3315
14:48
it's like, "How do I know
I have found 'the one' --
I have found 'the one' --
319
876382
2958
14:51
the right one?"
320
879364
1172
14:52
So we've created what I call
this thing of "stable ambiguity."
this thing of "stable ambiguity."
321
880560
3683
14:56
Stable ambiguity is when
you are too afraid to be alone
you are too afraid to be alone
322
884600
3705
15:00
but also not really willing
to engage in intimacy-building.
to engage in intimacy-building.
323
888329
4035
15:04
It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong
the uncertainty of a relationship
the uncertainty of a relationship
324
892388
5294
15:09
but also the uncertainty of the breakup.
325
897706
2607
15:12
So, here on the internet
you have three major ones.
you have three major ones.
326
900337
2982
15:15
One is icing and simmering,
327
903343
2321
15:17
which are great stalling tactics
328
905688
2875
15:20
that offer a kind of holding pattern
329
908587
2477
15:23
that emphasizes the undefined
nature of a relationship
nature of a relationship
330
911088
3794
15:26
but at the same time gives you
enough of a comforting consistency
enough of a comforting consistency
331
914906
4107
15:31
and enough freedom
of the undefined boundaries.
of the undefined boundaries.
332
919037
2757
15:33
(Laughter)
333
921818
1826
15:36
Yeah?
334
924070
1170
15:37
And then comes ghosting.
335
925264
1548
15:38
And ghosting is, basically,
336
926836
1972
15:40
you disappear from this massa
of texts on the spot,
of texts on the spot,
337
928832
4520
15:45
and you don't have to deal with
the pain that you inflict on another,
the pain that you inflict on another,
338
933376
3785
15:49
because you're making it
invisible even to yourself.
invisible even to yourself.
339
937185
2598
15:51
(Laughter)
340
939807
1187
15:53
Yeah?
341
941018
1158
15:54
So I was thinking -- these words came up
for me as I was listening to you,
for me as I was listening to you,
342
942200
4737
15:58
like how a vocabulary
also creates a reality,
also creates a reality,
343
946961
5163
16:04
and at the same time,
344
952148
1555
16:05
that's my question to you:
345
953727
1684
16:07
Do you think when the context changes,
346
955435
2940
16:10
it still means that the nature
of love remains the same?
of love remains the same?
347
958399
3640
16:14
You study the brain and I study
people's relationships and stories,
people's relationships and stories,
348
962063
4098
16:18
so I think it's everything you say, plus.
349
966185
3986
16:22
But I don't always know the degree
to which a changing context ...
to which a changing context ...
350
970691
3902
16:27
Does it at some point begin to change --
351
975451
2530
16:30
If the meaning changes,
does it change the need,
does it change the need,
352
978005
2613
16:32
or is the need clear
of the entire context?
of the entire context?
353
980642
2463
16:35
HF: Wow! Well --
354
983797
1420
16:37
(Laughter)
355
985241
2431
16:39
(Applause)
356
987696
3175
16:42
Well, I've got three points here, right?
357
990895
2968
16:46
First of all, to your first one:
358
994736
1826
16:48
there's no question that we've changed,
that we now want a person to love,
that we now want a person to love,
359
996586
3593
16:52
and for thousands of years,
we had to marry the right person
we had to marry the right person
360
1000203
2845
16:55
from the right background
and right connection.
and right connection.
361
1003072
2271
16:57
And in fact, in my studies
of 5,000 people every year,
of 5,000 people every year,
362
1005367
3351
17:00
I ask them, "What are you looking for?"
363
1008742
2126
17:02
And every single year,
over 97 percent say --
over 97 percent say --
364
1010892
2758
17:05
EP: The list grows --
365
1013674
1210
17:06
HF: Well, no.
366
1014908
1160
17:08
The basic thing is
over 97 percent of people
over 97 percent of people
367
1016092
3323
17:11
want somebody that respects them,
368
1019439
2091
17:13
somebody they can trust and confide in,
369
1021554
2288
17:15
somebody who makes them laugh,
370
1023866
1656
17:17
somebody who makes enough time for them
371
1025546
1882
17:19
and somebody who they find
physically attractive.
physically attractive.
372
1027452
3997
17:23
That never changes.
373
1031473
1283
17:24
And there's certainly -- you know,
there's two parts --
there's two parts --
374
1032780
3178
17:27
EP: But you know how I call that?
375
1035982
1580
17:29
That's not what people used to say --
376
1037586
2250
17:31
HF: That's exactly right.
377
1039860
1230
17:33
EP: They said they wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship,
with whom they have companionship,
378
1041114
3299
17:36
economic support, children.
379
1044437
1291
17:37
We went from a production economy
to a service economy.
to a service economy.
380
1045752
2586
17:40
(Laughter)
381
1048362
1009
17:41
We did it in the larger culture,
and we're doing it in marriage.
and we're doing it in marriage.
382
1049395
2981
17:44
HF: Right, no question about it.
383
1052400
1548
17:45
But it's interesting, the millennials
actually want to be very good parents,
actually want to be very good parents,
384
1053972
3910
17:49
whereas the generation above them
wants to have a very fine marriage
wants to have a very fine marriage
385
1057906
4120
17:54
but is not as focused
on being a good parent.
on being a good parent.
386
1062050
2222
17:56
You see all of these nuances.
387
1064296
2083
17:58
There's two basic parts of personality:
388
1066403
2556
18:00
there's your culture -- everything you
grew up to do and believe and say --
grew up to do and believe and say --
389
1068983
3575
18:04
and there's your temperament.
390
1072582
1399
18:06
Basically, what I've been talking
about is your temperament.
about is your temperament.
391
1074005
2827
18:08
And that temperament is certainly
going to change with changing times
going to change with changing times
392
1076856
3318
18:12
and changing beliefs.
393
1080198
1301
18:13
And in terms of the paradox of choice,
394
1081891
3147
18:17
there's no question about it
that this is a pickle.
that this is a pickle.
395
1085062
2407
18:19
There were millions of years
where you found that sweet boy
where you found that sweet boy
396
1087493
2864
18:22
at the other side of the water hole,
397
1090381
1725
18:24
and you went for it.
398
1092130
1151
18:25
EP: Yes, but you --
399
1093305
1151
18:26
HF: I do want to say one more thing.
400
1094480
1747
18:28
The bottom line is, in hunting
and gathering societies,
and gathering societies,
401
1096251
2617
18:30
they tended to have two or three partners
during the course of their lives.
during the course of their lives.
402
1098892
3598
18:34
They weren't square!
403
1102514
1158
18:35
And I'm not suggesting that we do,
404
1103696
1656
18:37
but the bottom line is,
we've always had alternatives.
we've always had alternatives.
405
1105376
3976
18:41
Mankind is always --
406
1109376
1479
18:42
in fact, the brain is well-built
to what we call "equilibrate,"
to what we call "equilibrate,"
407
1110879
3192
18:46
to try and decide:
408
1114095
1151
18:47
Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?
409
1115270
2434
18:49
What are the opportunities here?
410
1117728
1548
18:51
How do I handle this there?
411
1119300
1302
18:52
And so I think we're seeing
another play-out of that now.
another play-out of that now.
412
1120626
2961
18:56
KS: Well, thank you both so much.
413
1124052
1623
18:57
I think you're going to have
a million dinner partners for tonight!
a million dinner partners for tonight!
414
1125699
3206
19:00
(Applause)
415
1128929
1979
19:02
Thank you, thank you.
416
1130932
1181
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on loveAnthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love.
Why you should listen
Fisher's several books lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion: its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its vital importance to human society. Fisher describes love as a universal human drive (stronger than the sex drive; stronger than thirst or hunger; stronger perhaps than the will to live), and her many areas of inquiry shed light on timeless human mysteries like why we choose one partner over another. Her classic study, Anatomy of Love, first published in 1992, has just been re-issued in a fully updated edition, including her recent neuroimaging research on lust, romantic love and attachment as well as discussions of sexting, hooking up, friends with benefits, other contemporary trends in courtship and marriage, and a dramatic current trend she calls “slow love.”
Helen Fisher | Speaker | TED.com