TEDSummit
Helen Fisher: Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why
海伦·费雪: 科技并没有改变爱，让我告诉你原因
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人类学家海伦·费雪表示，在如今这个技术推动、相互关联的世界，人类发展了许多新的求爱方式和规则，但爱的最重要的原则始终保持一致。在这篇富于激情的演讲中，海伦向我们全盘揭秘最前沿爱情方式，以及如今更快速的认识方式如何导致情侣关系发展更加缓慢。请别忘观看结尾爱情专家诶斯特·佩雷尔与海伦的生动讨论。
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love. Full bio
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I was recently traveling
in the Highlands of New Guinea,
in the Highlands of New Guinea,
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最近，我正在新几内亚高地旅行
00:15
and I was talking with a man
who had three wives.
who had three wives.
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我访谈了一位有三个老婆的人
00:18
I asked him, "How many wives
would you like to have?"
would you like to have?"
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我问他：“你想要多少个老婆？”
00:22
And there was this long pause,
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他停顿了很长时间
00:23
and I thought to myself,
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我就想
00:25
"Is he going to say five?
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“他会说5个？
00:26
Is he going to say 10?
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还是10个？
00:28
Is he going to say 25?"
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或许是25个呢？“”
00:29
And he leaned towards me
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结果他靠过来
00:31
and he whispered, "None."
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小声说道：“一个都不想要。”
00:32
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:35
Eighty-six percent of human societies
permit a man to have several wives:
permit a man to have several wives:
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当今，86%的人类社会允许
男人有好几个妻子：
男人有好几个妻子：
00:39
polygeny.
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一夫多妻
00:41
But in the vast majority
of these cultures,
of these cultures,
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但在大多数这些社会中，
00:43
only about five or ten percent of men
actually do have several wives.
actually do have several wives.
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有多个妻子的男性仅达5%~10%
00:47
Having several partners
can be a toothache.
can be a toothache.
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有多个伴侣可是件头疼的事
00:49
In fact, co-wives can
fight with each other,
fight with each other,
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事实上，妻子们之间会产生争执
00:53
sometimes they can even poison
each other's children.
each other's children.
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有时甚至会毒害对方的孩子
00:56
And you've got to have
a lot of cows, a lot of goats,
a lot of cows, a lot of goats,
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而且你必须得有很多的牛羊
00:59
a lot of money, a lot of land,
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大量金钱和土地
01:01
in order to build a harem.
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才能建立起一个妻妾成群的闺房
01:03
We are a pair-bonding species.
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我们是双纽带的种群
01:05
Ninety-seven percent of mammals
do not pair up to rear their young;
do not pair up to rear their young;
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97%的哺乳动物不用成双成对地抚育儿女
01:08
human beings do.
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但人类却是这样的
01:10
I'm not suggesting that we're not --
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我并不是建议
01:13
that we're necessarily
sexually faithful to our partners.
sexually faithful to our partners.
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人类在性方面无需忠诚彼此
01:16
I've looked at adultery in 42 cultures,
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但在研究了42种文化中的外遇行为之后
01:18
I understand, actually,
some of the genetics of it,
some of the genetics of it,
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我明白了 其中有基因的原因
01:21
and some of the brain circuitry of it.
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而有一些则是大脑回路的问题
01:23
It's very common around the world,
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整个世界都非常普遍
01:25
but we are built to love.
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但爱是我们与生俱来的能力
01:27
How is technology changing love?
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科技改变了爱吗？
01:31
I'm going to say almost not at all.
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我认为没有
01:34
I study the brain.
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我从事大脑研究
01:36
I and my colleagues have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner --
over 100 people into a brain scanner --
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我和我的同事们对100多人进行了大脑扫描
01:39
people who had just
fallen happily in love,
fallen happily in love,
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包括那些刚刚陷入爱情的人
01:42
people who had just been rejected in love
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在爱情里受挫的人
01:44
and people who are in love long-term.
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以及长期沉浸在爱之中的人
01:46
And it is possible
to remain "in love" long-term.
to remain "in love" long-term.
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是的，长期处于热恋期是有可能的
01:50
And I've long ago maintained
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很早之前我就说过
01:52
that we've evolved three distinctly
different brain systems
different brain systems
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人类在求爱和繁殖过程中
01:55
for mating and reproduction:
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进化出了三个截然不同的大脑系统：
01:57
sex drive,
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性驱动
01:58
feelings of intense romantic love
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感受浓烈的浪漫
02:00
and feelings of deep cosmic
attachment to a long-term partner.
attachment to a long-term partner.
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以及对长期伴侣深层的强烈的依赖感
02:04
And together, these three brain systems --
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这三种大脑系统
02:06
with many other parts of the brain --
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和大脑中的其他部分结合起来
02:09
orchestrate our sexual,
our romantic and our family lives.
our romantic and our family lives.
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控制着人类性、爱情以及家庭生活
02:14
But they lie way below the cortex,
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但它们深藏在皮层下
02:16
way below the limbic system
where we feel our emotions,
where we feel our emotions,
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在边缘系统下，即人类感受情感
02:21
generate our emotions.
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发泄情绪的区域
02:22
They lie in the most primitive parts
of the brain, linked with energy,
of the brain, linked with energy,
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它们位于大脑中最原始的位置
02:27
focus, craving, motivation,
wanting and drive.
wanting and drive.
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和能量 注意力 渴望度 动力
欲望及能动性相连
欲望及能动性相连
02:32
In this case,
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在这里
02:33
the drive to win life's greatest prize:
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便是为了赢得人生最大奖的动力
02:36
a mating partner.
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一位配偶
02:37
They evolved over 4.4 million years ago
among our first ancestors,
among our first ancestors,
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这些大脑系统早在440万年前
就从人类最早的祖先中演化而来
就从人类最早的祖先中演化而来
02:42
and they're not going to change
if you swipe left or right on Tinder.
if you swipe left or right on Tinder.
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而不管你怎么在Tinder（社交软件）上滑屏
它们都不会发生变化
它们都不会发生变化
02:46
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:48
(Applause)
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（掌声）
02:50
There's no question that technology
is changing the way we court:
is changing the way we court:
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可以肯定的一点是
科技正在改变人类的求爱方式
科技正在改变人类的求爱方式
02:55
emailing, texting,
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电子邮件 短信
02:57
emojis to express your emotions,
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表达情感的符号
02:59
sexting,
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色情短信
03:00
"liking" a photograph, selfies ...
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给照片或自拍点赞...
03:03
We're seeing new rules
and taboos for how to court.
and taboos for how to court.
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关于如何求爱有了新的规则和禁忌
03:07
But, you know --
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但是
03:09
is this actually
dramatically changing love?
dramatically changing love?
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这真的彻底改变了爱吗？
03:13
What about the late 1940s,
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来看看上个世纪40年代
03:16
when the automobile became very popular
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那时候汽车刚大行其道
03:18
and we suddenly had rolling bedrooms?
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顿时 人们便有了“可移动卧室”
03:21
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:22
How about the introduction
of the birth control pill?
of the birth control pill?
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再来看看引进避孕药的时代
03:27
Unchained from the great threat
of pregnancy and social ruin,
of pregnancy and social ruin,
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因为意外怀孕而导致
人生从此惨淡的日子一去不复返
人生从此惨淡的日子一去不复返
03:32
women could finally express
their primitive and primal sexuality.
their primitive and primal sexuality.
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女性终于可以释放她们最原始的性本能
03:37
Even dating sites are not changing love.
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就连征婚网站的出现都没有改变爱
03:40
I'm Chief Scientific Advisor to Match.com,
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我在Match.com作首席科学顾问
03:43
I've been it for 11 years.
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已经11年了
03:45
I keep telling them
and they agree with me,
and they agree with me,
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我一直宣导
而工作人员也认同我的意见
而工作人员也认同我的意见
03:47
that these are not dating sites,
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即这并不是一个征婚网站
03:48
they are introducing sites.
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这是个介绍网站
03:51
When you sit down in a bar,
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当你走进酒吧
03:53
in a coffee house,
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咖啡馆
03:54
on a park bench,
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或坐在公园的长椅时
03:56
your ancient brain snaps into action
like a sleeping cat awakened,
like a sleeping cat awakened,
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你的大脑会立即开始反应
就像一只沉睡的猫被唤醒一样
就像一只沉睡的猫被唤醒一样
04:01
and you smile
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你开始微笑
04:02
and laugh
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大笑
04:03
and listen
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试着倾听
04:05
and parade the way our ancestors
did 100,000 years ago.
did 100,000 years ago.
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用那些早在10万年前
我们的祖先就使用的方式来炫耀
我们的祖先就使用的方式来炫耀
04:10
We can give you various people --
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我们可以提供各式各样的对象
04:12
all the dating sites can --
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所有的征婚网站都可以
04:13
but the only real algorithm
is your own human brain.
is your own human brain.
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但唯一真实的算法却是你的大脑
04:17
Technology is not going to change that.
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科技改变不了这一点
04:21
Technology is also not going to change
who you choose to love.
who you choose to love.
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同样它也改变不了你的择偶对象
04:25
I study the biology of personality,
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我研究生物心理学
04:28
and I've come to believe
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我开始相信
04:29
that we've evolved four very broad
styles of thinking and behaving,
styles of thinking and behaving,
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人类已经进化出了
四个广义的思考及行为方式，
四个广义的思考及行为方式，
04:33
linked with the dopamine, serotonin,
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和多巴胺、血清素
04:35
testosterone and estrogen systems.
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睾丸激素和雌激素系统相关联
04:38
So I created a questionnaire
directly from brain science
directly from brain science
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于是，基于脑科学原理
我设计了一份问卷
我设计了一份问卷
04:42
to measure the degree to which
you express the traits --
you express the traits --
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用来衡量人们表达特征的程度-
04:45
the constellation of traits --
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-各种特征-
04:47
linked with each
of these four brain systems.
of these four brain systems.
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与这四种大脑系统的关联性
04:50
I then put that questionnaire
on various dating sites
on various dating sites
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在40个国家的各种征婚网站上
04:55
in 40 countries.
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刊登了这份问卷
04:57
Fourteen million or more people
have now taken the questionnaire,
have now taken the questionnaire,
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目前，已有1400多万人参与了问卷调查
05:01
and I've been able to watch
who's naturally drawn to whom.
who's naturally drawn to whom.
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我有幸可以观察那些天生相互吸引的人
05:06
And as it turns out,
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结果是
05:07
those who were very expressive
of the dopamine system
of the dopamine system
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那些多巴胺系统反应活跃的人
05:10
tend to be curious, creative,
spontaneous, energetic --
spontaneous, energetic --
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更有好奇心，富有创意，自然率真，且精力充沛
05:13
I would imagine there's an awful lot
of people like that in this room --
of people like that in this room --
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我想现场在座肯定有很多人属于这一类型
05:17
they're drawn to people like themselves.
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他们通常被同类人所吸引
05:19
Curious, creative people
need people like themselves.
need people like themselves.
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好奇且有创意的人需要和同类在一起
05:22
People who are very expressive
of the serotonin system
of the serotonin system
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那些血清素系统反应活跃的人
05:25
tend to be traditional, conventional,
they follow the rules,
they follow the rules,
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往往更加传统，遵循惯例与规则，
05:28
they respect authority,
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尊重权威
05:30
they tend to be religious -- religiosity
is in the serotonin system --
is in the serotonin system --
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他们通常笃信宗教
—宗教信仰正属于血清素系统—
—宗教信仰正属于血清素系统—
05:33
and traditional people
go for traditional people.
go for traditional people.
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传统派自然找传统派的人
05:36
In that way, similarity attracts.
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如此一来 是同类相吸
05:39
In the other two cases, opposites attract.
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而其他两种情况则完全相反
对立性才有吸引力
对立性才有吸引力
05:41
People very expressive
of the testosterone system
of the testosterone system
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睾丸激素系统反应活跃的人
05:44
tend to be analytical,
logical, direct, decisive,
logical, direct, decisive,
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通常善于分析 逻辑思维强 直接 果断
05:48
and they go for their opposite:
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而他们寻找的是和他们对立的人
05:49
they go for somebody who's high estrogen,
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那些雌激素高的人
05:51
somebody who's got very good verbal skills
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他们语言能力很强，
05:54
and people skills,
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善于处理人际关系，
05:55
who's very intuitive
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凭直觉行事，
05:56
and who's very nurturing
and emotionally expressive.
and emotionally expressive.
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且善于照顾他人，且直抒胸怀
06:00
We have natural patterns of mate choice.
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人类择偶有自然模式
06:03
Modern technology is not going
to change who we choose to love.
to change who we choose to love.
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现代技术不会改变我们选择的对象
06:09
But technology is producing
one modern trend
one modern trend
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但科技正在制造一种当代潮流
06:12
that I find particularly important.
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我认为它尤为重要
06:14
It's associated with the concept
of paradox of choice.
of paradox of choice.
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它和选择悖论这一概念相关
06:18
For millions of years,
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千万年来，
06:19
we lived in little hunting
and gathering groups.
and gathering groups.
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人类都生活在小型狩猎及采集社会
06:22
You didn't have the opportunity to choose
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那时的人没有机会在社交网站上
06:24
between 1,000 people on a dating site.
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千里挑一 选择对象
06:28
In fact, I've been studying this recently,
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事实上 从我最近对此的研究来看
06:30
and I actually think there's some
sort of sweet spot in the brain;
sort of sweet spot in the brain;
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我认为大脑中有某种“最佳状态点”
06:33
I don't know what it is, but apparently,
from reading a lot of the data,
from reading a lot of the data,
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虽然我并不知道在哪儿
但从大量数据来看
但从大量数据来看
06:37
we can embrace about five
to nine alternatives, and after that,
to nine alternatives, and after that,
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人类只能接受大概5~9个选项
在此之后
在此之后
06:42
you get into what academics
call "cognitive overload,"
call "cognitive overload,"
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会变成某些学者称的“认知超载”
06:45
and you don't choose any.
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结果是不再做出选择
06:48
So I've come to think that due
to this cognitive overload,
to this cognitive overload,
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于是，我想正是由于这种认知超载
06:51
we're ushering in a new form of courtship
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我们引进了一种新型求爱方式
06:54
that I call "slow love."
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我称其为“慢慢爱”
06:57
I arrived at this during
my work with Match.com.
my work with Match.com.
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这些都是我在
Match.com工作时总结出来的
Match.com工作时总结出来的
07:01
Every year for the last six years,
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过去六年中
07:03
we've done a study called
"Singles in America."
"Singles in America."
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我们做了一项研究 名为“美国单身”
07:05
We don't poll the Match population,
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我们民调的对象
不仅针对Match.com的会员
不仅针对Match.com的会员
07:07
we poll the American population.
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而是整个美国人口
07:09
We use 5,000-plus people,
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我们调查了5000多人
07:12
a representative sample of Americans
based on the US census.
based on the US census.
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这是基于美国统计局的代表性样本
07:16
We've got data now on over 30,000 people,
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目前已收集了超过3万人的数据
07:19
and every single year,
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每年
07:21
I see some of the same patterns.
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我都看到同样的模式
07:24
Every single year when I ask the question,
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向他们提问的结果是
07:27
over 50 percent of people
have had a one-night stand --
have had a one-night stand --
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超过50%的人有一夜情的经历
07:30
not necessarily last year,
but in their lives --
but in their lives --
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并不一定是上一年
而是他们一生中
而是他们一生中
07:32
50 percent have had
a friends with benefits
a friends with benefits
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在他们的有生之年
07:35
during the course of their lives,
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50%的人曾经和朋友上过床
07:36
and over 50 percent have lived
with a person long-term
with a person long-term
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超过50%的人在婚前有过
07:40
before marrying.
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长期同居的经历
07:41
Americans think that this is reckless.
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美国人认为这是轻率的行为
07:43
I have doubted that for a long time;
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但我一直不这么认为
07:46
the patterns are too strong.
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毕竟这种模式太普遍
07:48
There's got to be some
Darwinian explanation --
Darwinian explanation --
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肯定有某种类似于达尔文生物进化的地方
07:51
Not that many people are crazy.
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总不会是那么多人都丧失了理智？
07:53
And I stumbled, then, on a statistic
that really came home to me.
that really came home to me.
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结果我发现了一个震惊的数据
07:58
It was a very interesting academic article
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一篇极其有趣的学术文章
08:00
in which I found that 67 percent
of singles in America today
of singles in America today
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发现67%的处于长期同居的
08:05
who are living long-term with somebody,
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美国未婚人士
08:08
have not yet married because
they are terrified of divorce.
they are terrified of divorce.
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之所以还未结婚是因为担心离婚
08:12
They're terrified of the social,
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他们担心离婚后面对的社会
08:14
legal, emotional,
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法律 情感
08:15
economic consequences of divorce.
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以及经济后果
08:18
So I came to realize that I don't think
this is recklessness;
this is recklessness;
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于是 我认识到这并不是轻率的行为
08:22
I think it's caution.
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而是谨慎
08:24
Today's singles want to know
every single thing about a partner
every single thing about a partner
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如今 人们在结婚之前
08:29
before they wed.
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想对其伴侣的每一个细节了如指掌
08:31
You learn a lot between the sheets,
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同居能让人了解到许多事情
08:33
not only about how somebody makes love,
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不仅是对方的床上功夫
08:35
but whether they're kind,
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而是对方是否善良
08:37
whether they can listen
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是否善于倾听
08:38
and at my age,
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以及 到了我这个年纪所关心的
08:39
whether they've got a sense of humor.
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就是对方是否有幽默感
08:41
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:43
And in an age where we have
too many choices,
too many choices,
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当今社会 人们有很多选择
08:47
we have very little fear
of pregnancy and disease
of pregnancy and disease
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很少为怀孕或疾病感到担忧
08:50
and we've got no feeling of shame
for sex before marriage,
for sex before marriage,
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且对婚前性行为毫无愧疚感
08:54
I think people are taking
their time to love.
their time to love.
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在这种情况下 人们选择爱得慢一些
08:58
And actually, what's happening is,
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而真实情况是
09:00
what we're seeing is a real expansion
of the precommitment stage
of the precommitment stage
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这其实是婚前准备阶段的
09:03
before you tie the knot.
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实际延伸
09:06
Where marriage used to be
the beginning of a relationship,
the beginning of a relationship,
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从前 婚姻意味着一段感情的开始
09:08
now it's the finale.
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而现在 它意味着尾声
09:11
But the human brain --
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但人类大脑
09:13
(Laughter)
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2009
（笑声）
09:15
The human brain always triumphs,
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人类大脑总是胜出者
09:17
and indeed, in the United States today,
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如今 在美国
09:18
86 percent of Americans
will marry by age 49.
will marry by age 49.
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86%的美国人将在49岁结婚
09:22
And even in cultures around the world
where they're not marrying as often,
where they're not marrying as often,
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即便在世界上结婚率不高的文化里
09:26
they are settling down eventually
with a long-term partner.
with a long-term partner.
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最终他们也会和长期伴侣安定下来
09:29
So it began to occur to me:
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于是 我突然想到：
09:31
during this long extension
of the precommitment stage,
of the precommitment stage,
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在这个长期婚前准备期
09:35
if you can get rid of bad
relationships before you marry,
relationships before you marry,
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如果你在婚前摆脱了一段糟糕的情感关系
09:39
maybe we're going to see
more happy marriages.
more happy marriages.
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或许就会有更多美满的婚姻
09:41
So I did a study of 1,100
married people in America --
married people in America --
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于是，我研究了美国1100位已婚人士
09:46
not on Match.com, of course --
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当然不是在 Match.com上
09:48
and I asked them a lot of questions.
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我问了很多问题
09:50
But one of the questions was,
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其中一个是
09:52
"Would you re-marry the person
you're currently married to?"
you're currently married to?"
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如果再给你一次机会
你还会选择和现在的伴侣结婚吗？
你还会选择和现在的伴侣结婚吗？
09:56
And 81 percent said, "Yes."
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81%的人说 会！
10:00
In fact, the greatest change
in modern romance and family life
in modern romance and family life
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事实上 当今的情感和家庭生活最大的变化
10:07
is not technology.
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不是科技造成的
10:09
It's not even slow love.
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甚至也不是“慢慢爱”的结果
10:11
It's actually women
piling into the job market
piling into the job market
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而是在全世界范围内
10:14
in cultures around the world.
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大量女性进入职场的结果
10:15
For millions of years,
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几百万年以来
10:17
our ancestors lived
in little hunting and gathering groups.
in little hunting and gathering groups.
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我们的祖先都生活在小型捕猎采集社会
10:20
Women commuted to work
to gather their fruits and vegetables.
to gather their fruits and vegetables.
220
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女性忙于采摘
10:22
They came home with 60 to 80
percent of the evening meal.
percent of the evening meal.
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餐桌上60%~80%的食物是由她们带回来的
10:26
The double-income family was the rule.
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双份收入家庭是一般法则
10:29
And women were regarded
as just as economically, socially
as just as economically, socially
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女性不论在经济 社会 还是性方面
10:33
and sexually powerful as men.
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都和男性具有同等的地位
10:36
Then the environment changed
some 10,000 years ago,
some 10,000 years ago,
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然而 大约1万年前 社会发生了变化
10:39
we began to settle down on the farm
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人类开始以农耕为主
10:41
and both men and women
became obliged, really,
became obliged, really,
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男女似乎有义务
10:44
to marry the right person,
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寻找合适的人结婚
10:46
from the right background,
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对方必须有匹配的背景
10:47
from the right religion
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宗教信仰
10:49
and from the right kin
and social and political connections.
and social and political connections.
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相称的家族 社会及政治关联
10:52
Men's jobs became more important:
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1594
男性的工作变得更为重要
10:54
they had to move the rocks,
fell the trees, plow the land.
fell the trees, plow the land.
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他们必须搬运大石 砍树 耕地
10:57
They brought the produce
to local markets, and came home
to local markets, and came home
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他们把农产品带到市场上卖
11:00
with the equivalent of money.
235
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1514
换回来同等的钱
11:01
Along with this,
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不仅如此，
11:03
we see a rise of a host of beliefs:
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各种信仰开始传播
11:06
the belief of virginity at marriage,
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坚信婚前必须保持处女身
11:08
arranged marriages --
strictly arranged marriages --
strictly arranged marriages --
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2943
包办婚姻（严格安排的婚姻）
11:11
the belief that the man
is the head of the household,
is the head of the household,
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2527
坚信男性是一家之主
11:13
that the wife's place is in the home
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女性就应该待在家里
11:16
and most important,
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1153
更重要的一点
11:17
honor thy husband,
and 'til death do us part.
and 'til death do us part.
243
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3131
女性一生一世必须尊夫
11:20
These are gone.
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1722
所有这些都是过去式 了
11:22
They are going, and in many places,
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有些地方仍有这些现象
但大部分地区
但大部分地区
11:24
they are gone.
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1388
这些现象都不复存在了
11:26
We are right now in a marriage revolution.
247
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3423
我们正处于一场婚姻变革之中
11:29
We are shedding 10,000 years
of our farming tradition
of our farming tradition
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4715
我们摒弃了1万年前的农业传统
11:34
and moving forward towards egalitarian
relationships between the sexes --
relationships between the sexes --
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朝着两性平等的方向发展
11:40
something I regard as highly compatible
with the ancient human spirit.
with the ancient human spirit.
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4815
我认为这和远古人类的精神相契合
11:45
I'm not a Pollyanna;
251
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1702
我不是一个盲目乐观的人
11:47
there's a great deal to cry about.
252
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1761
还有很多事情值得担忧
11:49
I've studied divorce in 80 cultures,
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1746
我研究了80种文化里的离婚行为
11:50
I've studied, as I say,
adultery in many --
adultery in many --
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2136
出轨行为
11:53
there's a whole pile of problems.
255
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1816
还有许许多多的问题
11:54
As William Butler Yeats,
the poet, once said,
the poet, once said,
256
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3192
正如诗人威廉·巴特勒·叶芝所说
11:58
"Love is the crooked thing."
257
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2465
“爱情是个狡猾的家伙”
12:01
I would add, "Nobody gets out alive."
258
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2790
我会再加一句，“没人能活着出来”
12:03
(Laughter)
259
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1095
（笑声）
12:05
We all have problems.
260
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1467
每个人都有困扰
12:06
But in fact, I think the poet
Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.
Randall Jarrell really sums it up best.
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3604
但我认为诗人兰德尔·贾雷尔总结的最好
12:10
He said, "The dark, uneasy world
of family life --
of family life --
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4999
他说：在枯燥繁琐的家庭生活中
12:15
where the greatest can fail,
and the humblest succeed."
and the humblest succeed."
263
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4518
强者不显其智 弱者反而取胜
12:20
But I will leave you with this:
264
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但我想说的是：
12:22
love and attachment will prevail,
265
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2728
爱和相互依赖会战胜一切
12:25
technology cannot change it.
266
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2533
科技无法改变这一点
12:27
And I will conclude by saying
267
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1838
总结下来，便是
12:29
any understanding of human relationships
must take into account
must take into account
268
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5246
任何对人类关系的诠释必须考虑到
12:35
one the most powerful determinants
of human behavior:
of human behavior:
269
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4225
人类行为最强大的决定因素是那
12:39
the unquenchable,
270
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1218
难以抑制的
12:41
adaptable
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1165
极具适应性的
12:42
and primordial human drive to love.
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3006
最原始的爱的动力
12:45
Thank you.
273
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1152
谢谢
12:46
(Applause)
274
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3022
（掌声）
12:51
Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen.
so much for that, Helen.
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2381
Kelly Stoetzel: 感谢您的演讲 海伦
12:54
As you know, there's another
speaker here with us
speaker here with us
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2309
今天还有另一位演讲者
12:56
that works in your same field.
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1550
她和您在相同的领域里做研究
12:58
She comes at it
from a different perspective.
from a different perspective.
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2431
不过是从不同的视角来分析问题
13:00
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist
who works with couples.
who works with couples.
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4637
诶斯特·佩雷斯从事
情侣心理治疗师的工作
情侣心理治疗师的工作
13:05
You study data,
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1293
您研究数据
13:07
Esther studies the stories
the couples tell her
the couples tell her
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2500
诶斯特研究那些向她寻求帮助的
13:09
when they come to her for help.
282
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2028
情侣们所诉说的故事
13:11
Let's have her join us on the stage.
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1724
现在请她上台吧
13:13
Esther?
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1151
有请诶斯特
13:14
(Applause)
285
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3131
（掌声）
13:22
So Esther,
286
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1246
诶斯特
13:23
when you were watching Helen's talk,
287
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2272
当您观看海伦演讲的时候
13:25
was there any part of it
288
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1206
是否有
13:27
that resonated with you
through the lens of your own work
through the lens of your own work
289
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2767
和您所做的工作产生共鸣的地方
13:29
that you'd like to comment on?
290
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1585
您可以和我们说说嘛？
13:32
Esther Perel: It's interesting,
because on the one hand,
because on the one hand,
291
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3579
Esther Perel:
让我觉得有意思的地方是，一方面
让我觉得有意思的地方是，一方面
13:35
the need for love
is ubiquitous and universal.
is ubiquitous and universal.
292
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3829
人们对爱的需求无所不在 无所不及
13:39
But the way we love --
293
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1964
但人类爱的方式
13:41
the meaning we make out of it --
294
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1530
爱与被爱背后的意义
13:43
the rules that govern
our relationships, I think,
our relationships, I think,
295
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2325
以及控制双方关系的规则
13:45
are changing fundamentally.
296
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2027
正在发生根本性的改变
13:47
We come from a model that, until now,
297
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2900
直到最近 我们一直处于一种模式
13:50
was primarily regulated
around duty and obligation,
around duty and obligation,
298
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3463
即主要由责任和义务
13:54
the needs of the collective and loyalty.
299
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2397
集体和忠诚主义支配的模式
13:56
And we have shifted it
300
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1180
而现在 我们转向了另一种模式
13:57
to a model of free choice
and individual rights,
and individual rights,
301
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4330
即追崇自主选择 个人权利
14:02
and self-fulfillment and happiness.
302
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自我实现与幸福的模式
14:05
And so, that was
the first thing I thought,
the first thing I thought,
303
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2320
这是我脑子里冒出的第一个想法
14:07
that the need doesn't change,
304
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1768
爱的需求没有改变
14:09
but the context and the way
we regulate these relationships
we regulate these relationships
305
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3808
但大环境和人们处理情感关系的方式
14:13
changes a lot.
306
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1278
发生了很大的变化
14:14
On the paradox of choice --
307
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1840
关于选择悖论
14:18
you know, on the one hand
we relish the novelty
we relish the novelty
308
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2327
我认为 一方面我们追求
14:21
and the playfulness, I think,
309
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1592
多重选择给我们带来的
14:22
to be able to have so many options.
310
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2711
新鲜感和趣味性
14:25
And at the same time,
311
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1361
同时
14:26
as you talk about this cognitive overload,
312
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2414
就像你提到的“认知负荷”
14:29
I see many, many people who ...
313
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3448
我看到许多人
14:34
who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt
314
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4106
对堆砌成堆的选项所带来的不确定性
14:38
that comes with this massa of choice,
315
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2549
和不自信而感到担忧
14:41
creating a case of "FOMO"
316
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2259
从而制造出某种“害怕错过的恐惧症”
14:43
and then leading us --
317
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1642
于是便引领我们--
14:45
FOMO, fear of missed opportunity,
or fear of missing out --
or fear of missing out --
318
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3315
“FOMO”，表现为害怕机会流失
14:48
it's like, "How do I know
I have found 'the one' --
I have found 'the one' --
319
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2958
就好比“我怎么知道这个人就是
14:51
the right one?"
320
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1172
我命中注定的那一个呢？”
14:52
So we've created what I call
this thing of "stable ambiguity."
this thing of "stable ambiguity."
321
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3683
这种现象我称为“稳定的模棱两可”
14:56
Stable ambiguity is when
you are too afraid to be alone
you are too afraid to be alone
322
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3705
指的是你害怕被剩下来 孤独终老
15:00
but also not really willing
to engage in intimacy-building.
to engage in intimacy-building.
323
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4035
但又不愿打开心扉 与人建立亲密关系
15:04
It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong
the uncertainty of a relationship
the uncertainty of a relationship
324
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5294
这是一种策略
不仅会使这段关系的不确定性期延长
不仅会使这段关系的不确定性期延长
15:09
but also the uncertainty of the breakup.
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还能拖延分手的不确定性
15:12
So, here on the internet
you have three major ones.
you have three major ones.
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网络上将其分为三个阶段
15:15
One is icing and simmering,
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一是冰冻期和温吞水
15:17
which are great stalling tactics
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这是很好的拖延战术
15:20
that offer a kind of holding pattern
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它使人们处于某种停滞状态
15:23
that emphasizes the undefined
nature of a relationship
nature of a relationship
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在这种状态下
强调情感关系中的不界定属性
强调情感关系中的不界定属性
15:26
but at the same time gives you
enough of a comforting consistency
enough of a comforting consistency
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但同时能让你维持这段关系
15:31
and enough freedom
of the undefined boundaries.
of the undefined boundaries.
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以及自由做出选择的空间
15:33
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
15:36
Yeah?
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说的对吗？
15:37
And then comes ghosting.
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接下来就到了“幽灵阶段”
15:38
And ghosting is, basically,
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“幽灵阶段”基本上是指
15:40
you disappear from this massa
of texts on the spot,
of texts on the spot,
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你突然不再做出选择
15:45
and you don't have to deal with
the pain that you inflict on another,
the pain that you inflict on another,
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不再应对你给对方带来的痛苦
15:49
because you're making it
invisible even to yourself.
invisible even to yourself.
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因为你自己都掩耳盗铃
15:51
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
15:53
Yeah?
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对吗？
15:54
So I was thinking -- these words came up
for me as I was listening to you,
for me as I was listening to you,
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当我在听你演讲的时候
我想到了这些
我想到了这些
15:58
like how a vocabulary
also creates a reality,
also creates a reality,
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正如语言重现现实一样
16:04
and at the same time,
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与此同时
16:05
that's my question to you:
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我也有个问题要问你：
16:07
Do you think when the context changes,
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当环境发生变化时
16:10
it still means that the nature
of love remains the same?
of love remains the same?
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你认为爱的本质还是一样的吗？
16:14
You study the brain and I study
people's relationships and stories,
people's relationships and stories,
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你研究大脑 而我研究情侣关系
16:18
so I think it's everything you say, plus.
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我认可你的观点
16:22
But I don't always know the degree
to which a changing context ...
to which a changing context ...
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但我不明白的是环境改变的程度--
16:27
Does it at some point begin to change --
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它是从某一点开始改变的呢？
16:30
If the meaning changes,
does it change the need,
does it change the need,
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如果意义变了
需求是否也会改变呢？
需求是否也会改变呢？
16:32
or is the need clear
of the entire context?
of the entire context?
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或需求本身不受整个大环境影响？
16:35
HF: Wow! Well --
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海伦：哇！
16:37
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
16:39
(Applause)
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（掌声）
16:42
Well, I've got three points here, right?
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海伦：好的，我分为三点来说
16:46
First of all, to your first one:
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首先，回答你第一个问题：
16:48
there's no question that we've changed,
that we now want a person to love,
that we now want a person to love,
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人类变了，这一点毋庸置疑
现在人们依然渴望爱情
现在人们依然渴望爱情
16:52
and for thousands of years,
we had to marry the right person
we had to marry the right person
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而几千年来 人们都遵从必须
16:55
from the right background
and right connection.
and right connection.
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和来自匹配的背景和关联的人结婚
16:57
And in fact, in my studies
of 5,000 people every year,
of 5,000 people every year,
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每年我对5000人进行调研
17:00
I ask them, "What are you looking for?"
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我问他们：“你想找什么样的人？”
17:02
And every single year,
over 97 percent say --
over 97 percent say --
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每年 超过97%的人会说
17:05
EP: The list grows --
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诶斯特：清单越来越长了吧
17:06
HF: Well, no.
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海伦：呃，没有
17:08
The basic thing is
over 97 percent of people
over 97 percent of people
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超过97%的人都表示想找
17:11
want somebody that respects them,
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尊重自己
17:13
somebody they can trust and confide in,
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值得信任的 能交心的
17:15
somebody who makes them laugh,
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能逗你笑的
17:17
somebody who makes enough time for them
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花时间陪自己的
17:19
and somebody who they find
physically attractive.
physically attractive.
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以及长相看着顺眼的人
17:23
That never changes.
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这几点从未改变过
17:24
And there's certainly -- you know,
there's two parts --
there's two parts --
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大概有两部分--
17:27
EP: But you know how I call that?
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诶斯特：你知道我怎么定义这种现象吗？
17:29
That's not what people used to say --
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过去人们并不是这样的择偶标准
17:31
HF: That's exactly right.
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海伦：是的
17:33
EP: They said they wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship,
with whom they have companionship,
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诶斯特：过去人们会说他们想找能够与自己作伴
提供经济支持 喜爱孩子的人
17:36
economic support, children.
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17:37
We went from a production economy
to a service economy.
to a service economy.
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我们从生产经济转变为服务经济
17:40
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
17:41
We did it in the larger culture,
and we're doing it in marriage.
and we're doing it in marriage.
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2981
在其他文化中我们已经这么做了
现在我们把它带到婚姻中
现在我们把它带到婚姻中
17:44
HF: Right, no question about it.
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海伦：是的，这一点毫无疑问
17:45
But it's interesting, the millennials
actually want to be very good parents,
actually want to be very good parents,
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但有趣的是
如今千禧一代非常渴望成为合格的家长
如今千禧一代非常渴望成为合格的家长
17:49
whereas the generation above them
wants to have a very fine marriage
wants to have a very fine marriage
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而他们的上一代人希望有个美满的婚姻
17:54
but is not as focused
on being a good parent.
on being a good parent.
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但却不向他们一样专注于成为合格的家长
17:56
You see all of these nuances.
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你可以看到这些细微的差别
17:58
There's two basic parts of personality:
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人格有两个基本构成部分：
18:00
there's your culture -- everything you
grew up to do and believe and say --
grew up to do and believe and say --
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你的文化—成长过程 信仰和言行--
18:04
and there's your temperament.
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以及性格
18:06
Basically, what I've been talking
about is your temperament.
about is your temperament.
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我讨论的基本上都是性格
18:08
And that temperament is certainly
going to change with changing times
going to change with changing times
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而性格一定会随着时间和信仰的改变
18:12
and changing beliefs.
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而改变
18:13
And in terms of the paradox of choice,
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就选择悖论而言
18:17
there's no question about it
that this is a pickle.
that this is a pickle.
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这确实是个两难的境地
18:19
There were millions of years
where you found that sweet boy
where you found that sweet boy
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千百万年以来
18:22
at the other side of the water hole,
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如果人们在河边看到心动的对象
18:24
and you went for it.
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便会去争取
18:25
EP: Yes, but you --
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诶斯特：是的，但是--
18:26
HF: I do want to say one more thing.
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海伦：还有一件事
18:28
The bottom line is, in hunting
and gathering societies,
and gathering societies,
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归根结底，在狩猎及采集社会中
18:30
they tended to have two or three partners
during the course of their lives.
during the course of their lives.
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人们一生中通常有2到3个伴侣
18:34
They weren't square!
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他们并不是两两相对的
18:35
And I'm not suggesting that we do,
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我当然不是建议我们也这么做
18:37
but the bottom line is,
we've always had alternatives.
we've always had alternatives.
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但重要的是我们始终
可以做出其他选择
可以做出其他选择
18:41
Mankind is always --
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人类一直如此
18:42
in fact, the brain is well-built
to what we call "equilibrate,"
to what we call "equilibrate,"
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实际上，人类大脑的构造是平衡对称的
18:46
to try and decide:
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去试探或下决心：
18:47
Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?
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来或走？去或留？
18:49
What are the opportunities here?
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留下来有什么样的机遇？
18:51
How do I handle this there?
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怎么处理这件事？
18:52
And so I think we're seeing
another play-out of that now.
another play-out of that now.
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我想现在上演的正是大脑决策的另一出戏
18:56
KS: Well, thank you both so much.
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KS：非常感谢两位。
18:57
I think you're going to have
a million dinner partners for tonight!
a million dinner partners for tonight!
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我想你今晚要和很多人共进晚餐了
19:00
(Applause)
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（掌声）
19:02
Thank you, thank you.
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谢谢！
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on loveAnthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love.
Why you should listen
Fisher's several books lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion: its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its vital importance to human society. Fisher describes love as a universal human drive (stronger than the sex drive; stronger than thirst or hunger; stronger perhaps than the will to live), and her many areas of inquiry shed light on timeless human mysteries like why we choose one partner over another. Her classic study, Anatomy of Love, first published in 1992, has just been re-issued in a fully updated edition, including her recent neuroimaging research on lust, romantic love and attachment as well as discussions of sexting, hooking up, friends with benefits, other contemporary trends in courtship and marriage, and a dramatic current trend she calls “slow love.”
Helen Fisher | Speaker | TED.com