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George Blair-West: 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
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Choosing to marry and share your life with someone is one of the most important decisions you can make in life. But with divorce rates approaching fifty percent in some parts of the world, it's clear we could use some help picking a partner. In an actionable, eye-opening talk, psychiatrist George Blair-West shares three keys to preventing divorce -- and spotting potential problems while you're still dating.
George Blair-West - Psychiatrist
Dr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry. Full bio
Dr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry. Full bio
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00:15
Almost 50 years ago,
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psychiatrists Richard Rahe
and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory
and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory
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of the most distressing
human experiences that we could have.
human experiences that we could have.
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Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.
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Number two, divorce.
Three, marital separation.
Three, marital separation.
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Now, generally, but not always,
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for those three to occur, we need
what comes in number seven on the list,
what comes in number seven on the list,
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which is marriage.
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(Laughter)
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Fourth on the list is imprisonment
in an institution.
in an institution.
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Now, some say number seven
has been counted twice.
has been counted twice.
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(Laughter)
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I don't believe that.
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When the life stress inventory was built,
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back then, a long-term relationship
pretty much equated to a marriage.
pretty much equated to a marriage.
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Not so now.
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So for the purposes of this talk,
I'm going to be including
I'm going to be including
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de facto relationships,
common-law marriages
common-law marriages
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and same-sex marriages,
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or same-sex relationships
soon hopefully to become marriages.
soon hopefully to become marriages.
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And I can say from my work
with same-sex couples,
with same-sex couples,
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the principles I'm about
to talk about are no different.
to talk about are no different.
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They're the same across all relationships.
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So in a modern society,
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we know that prevention
is better than cure.
is better than cure.
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We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria,
tetanus, whooping cough, measles.
tetanus, whooping cough, measles.
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We have awareness campaigns
for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --
for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --
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all important campaigns.
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But none of those conditions come close
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to affecting 45 percent of us.
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Forty-five percent: that's
our current divorce rate.
our current divorce rate.
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Why no prevention campaign for divorce?
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Well, I think it's because
our policymakers don't believe
our policymakers don't believe
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that things like attraction
and the way relationships are built
and the way relationships are built
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is changeable or educable.
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Why?
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Well, our policymakers currently
are Generation X.
are Generation X.
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They're in their 30s to 50s.
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And when I'm talking to these guys
about these issues,
about these issues,
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I see their eyes glaze over,
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and I can see them thinking,
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"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?
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You can't control the way in which
people attract other people
people attract other people
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and build relationships."
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Not so, our dear millennials.
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This is the most information-connected,
analytical and skeptical generation,
analytical and skeptical generation,
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making the most informed decisions
of any generation before them.
of any generation before them.
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And when I talk to millennials,
I get a very different reaction.
I get a very different reaction.
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They actually want to hear about this.
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They want to know about how do we
have relationships that last?
have relationships that last?
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So for those of you who want to embrace
the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,
the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,
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let me talk about my three life hacks
for preventing divorce.
for preventing divorce.
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Now, we can intervene
to prevent divorce at two points:
to prevent divorce at two points:
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later, once the cracks begin to appear
in an established relationship;
in an established relationship;
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or earlier, before we commit,
before we have children.
before we have children.
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And that's where I'm going to take us now.
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So my first life hack:
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millennials spend seven-plus hours
on their devices a day.
on their devices a day.
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That's American data.
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And some say, probably not unreasonably,
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this has probably affected
their face-to-face relationships.
their face-to-face relationships.
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Indeed, and add to that
the hookup culture,
the hookup culture,
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ergo apps like Tinder,
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and it's no great surprise that
the 20-somethings that I work with
the 20-somethings that I work with
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will often talk to me about
how it is often easier for them
how it is often easier for them
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to have sex with somebody that they've met
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than have a meaningful conversation.
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Now, some say this is a bad thing.
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I say this is a really good thing.
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It's a particularly good thing
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to be having sex outside
of the institution of marriage.
of the institution of marriage.
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Now, before you go out
and get all moral on me,
and get all moral on me,
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remember that Generation X,
in the American Public Report,
in the American Public Report,
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they found that 91 percent of women
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had had premarital sex by the age of 30.
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Ninety-one percent.
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It's a particularly good thing that
these relationships are happening later.
these relationships are happening later.
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See, boomers in the '60s --
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they were getting married
at an average age for women of 20
at an average age for women of 20
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and 23 for men.
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2015 in Australia?
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That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.
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That's a good thing, because
the older you are when you get married,
the older you are when you get married,
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the lower your divorce rate.
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Why?
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Why is it helpful to get married later?
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Three reasons.
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Firstly, getting married later allows
the other two preventers of divorce
the other two preventers of divorce
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to come into play.
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They are tertiary education
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and a higher income, which tends
to go with tertiary education.
to go with tertiary education.
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So these three factors all
kind of get mixed up together.
kind of get mixed up together.
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Number two,
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neuroplasticity research tell us
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that the human brain is still growing
until at least the age of 25.
until at least the age of 25.
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So that means how you're thinking
and what you're thinking
and what you're thinking
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is still changing up until 25.
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And thirdly, and most importantly
to my mind, is personality.
to my mind, is personality.
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Your personality at the age of 20
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does not correlate with
your personality at the age of 50.
your personality at the age of 50.
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But your personality at the age of 30
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does correlate with
your personality at the age of 50.
your personality at the age of 50.
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So when I ask somebody
who got married young why they broke up,
who got married young why they broke up,
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and they say, "We grew apart,"
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they're being surprisingly accurate,
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because the 20s is a decade
of rapid change and maturation.
of rapid change and maturation.
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So the first thing you want to get
before you get married is older.
before you get married is older.
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(Laughter)
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Number two,
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John Gottman, psychologist
and relationship researcher,
and relationship researcher,
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can tell us many factors that correlate
with a happy, successful marriage.
with a happy, successful marriage.
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But the one that I want to talk about
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is a big one:
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81 percent of marriages implode,
self-destruct, if this problem is present.
self-destruct, if this problem is present.
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And the second reason why I want
to talk about it here
to talk about it here
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is because it's something
you can evaluate while you're dating.
you can evaluate while you're dating.
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Gottman found that the relationships
that were the most stable and happy
that were the most stable and happy
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over the longer term
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were relationships in which
the couple shared power.
the couple shared power.
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They were influenceable:
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big decisions, like buying a house,
overseas trips, buying a car,
overseas trips, buying a car,
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having children.
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But when Gottman
drilled down on this data,
drilled down on this data,
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what he found was that women
were generally pretty influenceable.
were generally pretty influenceable.
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Guess where the problem lay?
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(Laughter)
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Yeah, there's only
two options here, isn't there?
two options here, isn't there?
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Yeah, we men were to blame.
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The other thing that Gottman found
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is that men who are influenceable
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also tended to be "outstanding fathers."
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So women: How influenceable is your man?
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Men:
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you're with her because you respect her.
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Make sure that respect plays out
in the decision-making process.
in the decision-making process.
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Number three.
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I'm often intrigued by
why couples come in to see me
why couples come in to see me
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after they've been married
for 30 or 40 years.
for 30 or 40 years.
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This is a time when they're approaching
the infirmities and illness of old age.
the infirmities and illness of old age.
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It's a time when they're particularly
focused on caring for each other.
focused on caring for each other.
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They'll forgive things
that have bugged them for years.
that have bugged them for years.
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They'll forgive all betrayals,
even infidelities,
even infidelities,
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because they're focused
on caring for each other.
on caring for each other.
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So what pulls them apart?
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The best word I have
for this is reliability,
for this is reliability,
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or the lack thereof.
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Does your partner have your back?
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It takes two forms.
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Firstly, can you rely on your partner
to do what they say they're going to do?
to do what they say they're going to do?
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Do they follow through?
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Secondly,
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if, for example,
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you're out and you're being
verbally attacked by somebody,
verbally attacked by somebody,
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or you're suffering from
a really disabling illness,
a really disabling illness,
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does your partner step up
and do what needs to be done
and do what needs to be done
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to leave you feeling
cared for and protected?
cared for and protected?
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And here's the rub:
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if you're facing old age,
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and your partner
isn't doing that for you --
isn't doing that for you --
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in fact, you're having
to do that for them --
to do that for them --
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then in an already-fragile relationship,
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it can look a bit like you might
be better off out of it rather than in it.
be better off out of it rather than in it.
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So is your partner there for you
when it really matters?
when it really matters?
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Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,
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but particularly if it's important to you.
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On your side, think carefully before you
commit to do something for your partner.
commit to do something for your partner.
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It is much better to commit to
as much as you can follow through
as much as you can follow through
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than to commit to more
sound-good-in-the-moment
sound-good-in-the-moment
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and then let them down.
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And if it's really important
to your partner, and you commit to it,
to your partner, and you commit to it,
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make sure you move hell
and high water to follow through.
and high water to follow through.
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Now, these are things
that I'm saying you can look for.
that I'm saying you can look for.
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Don't worry, these are also
things that can be built
things that can be built
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in existing relationships.
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I believe that the most important decision
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that you can make
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is who you choose as a life partner,
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who you choose as
the other parent of your children.
the other parent of your children.
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And of course, romance has to be there.
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Romance is a grand and beautiful
and quirky thing.
and quirky thing.
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But we need to add
to a romantic, loving heart
to a romantic, loving heart
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an informed, thoughtful mind,
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as we make the most important
decision of our life.
decision of our life.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
George Blair-West - PsychiatristDr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.
Why you should listen
Dr. George Blair-West specializes in psychiatry in private practice in Brisbane, Australia. He sub-specializes in trauma and relationship/sex therapy. His abiding interest is distilling the latest psychotherapeutic research, honing these insights for impactful delivery through his clinical work, and then sharing them with the greater population.
In the 1990s, as a Senior Lecturer at the University of Queensland, Blair-West published widely on suicide and depression. Needing to lose weight himself, he then turned his focus to the overlooked research into the psychological forces that prevent weight loss. The bestselling book Weight Loss for Food Lovers: Understanding Our Minds and Why We Sabotage Our Weight Loss (translated into Dutch and Chinese) along with related research papers resulted in keynote addresses, a regular spot on the Australian breakfast show Today and media appearances around the world. A children's book on teaching healthy eating habits followed, and in 2010 Blair-West was named one of the "top 20 most influential obesity experts in the world."
Blair-West's 2013 novel The Way of The Quest received three international awards and was about the "how to" of finding one's meaning and purpose in life while building healthy relationships.
Helping people make sense of relationships is Blair-West's most important work. Drawing on his 25 years as a relationship therapist, he is currently writing his fourth book, How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life with his daughter Jiveny Blair-West, a dating coach. He and his wife Penny, a psychologist, celebrated 30 years of marriage in 2018.
George Blair-West | Speaker | TED.com