George Blair-West: 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
ג'ורג' בלייר-ווסט: שלוש דרכים לבנות חיי נישואין שמחים ולהימנע מגירושין
Dr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry. Full bio
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and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory
ותומס הולמס פיתחו רשימה
human experiences that we could have.
שאפשר לחוות.
מוות של בן או בת הזוג.
Three, marital separation.
שלוש: התפרקות הנישואין.
what comes in number seven on the list,
למה שמופיע במקום השביעי ברשימה:
in an institution.
has been counted twice.
pretty much equated to a marriage.
היתה די דומה לנישואין.
I'm going to be including
אני אכלול
common-law marriages
soon hopefully to become marriages.
אני מקווה, יהפכו לנישואין.
with same-sex couples,
עם זוגות חד-מיניים,
to talk about are no different.
אינם שונים.
is better than cure.
tetanus, whooping cough, measles.
טטנוס, שעלת, אבעבועות רוח.
for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --
סרטן העור, שבץ, סוכרת --
our current divorce rate.
our policymakers don't believe
לא מאמינים
and the way relationships are built
מערכות יחסים נבנות
are Generation X.
שייכים לדור ה-X.
about these issues,
על הנושאים האלו,
people attract other people
נמשכים לאנשים אחרים
בני דור המילניום היקרים שלנו.
analytical and skeptical generation,
of any generation before them.
מכל הדורות שלפניהם.
I get a very different reaction.
אני מקבל תגובה מאוד שונה.
מערכות יחסים שישרדו?
have relationships that last?
the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,
הפוסט-"יעד רומנטי" איתי,
for preventing divorce.
למניעת גירושין.
to prevent divorce at two points:
בשתי נקודות זמן:
in an established relationship;
בתוך מערכת יחסים קיימת;
before we have children.
לפני שיש לנו ילדים.
on their devices a day.
שבע שעות ויותר עם המכשירים שלהם.
their face-to-face relationships.
פנים-אל-פנים שלהם.
the hookup culture,
the 20-somethings that I work with
how it is often easier for them
קל להם יותר
of the institution of marriage.
and get all moral on me,
in the American Public Report,
these relationships are happening later.
מתרחשות מאוחר יותר.
at an average age for women of 20
the older you are when you get married,
יותר מבוגר כשאתה מתחתן,
the other two preventers of divorce
שני גורמי מניעה נוספים לגירושין.
to go with tertiary education.
עם השכלה גבוהה.
kind of get mixed up together.
until at least the age of 25.
and what you're thinking
ומה שאתה חושב
to my mind, is personality.
היא אישיות.
your personality at the age of 50.
your personality at the age of 50.
who got married young why they broke up,
למה הם נפרדו
of rapid change and maturation.
שינויים מהירים והתבגרות.
before you get married is older.
לפני שאתה מתחתן זה להתבגר.
and relationship researcher,
with a happy, successful marriage.
נישואין שמחים ומוצלחים.
self-destruct, if this problem is present.
אם הבעיה הזאת קיימת.
to talk about it here
אני רוצה לדבר על זה כאן
להעריך כבר בזמן הדייטים.
you can evaluate while you're dating.
that were the most stable and happy
הכי יציבות ושמחות
the couple shared power.
חלקו בניהם את הכוח.
overseas trips, buying a car,
חופשות בחו"ל, קניית רכב,
drilled down on this data,
were generally pretty influenceable.
אפשר להשפיע.
two options here, isn't there?
על הגבר שלכן?
in the decision-making process.
בתהליך קבלת ההחלטות.
why couples come in to see me
למה זוגות באים אלי
for 30 or 40 years.
the infirmities and illness of old age.
המגבלות והמחלות של גיל הזקנה.
focused on caring for each other.
בדאגה זה לזו.
that have bugged them for years.
even infidelities,
on caring for each other.
for this is reliability,
to do what they say they're going to do?
בן הזוג שלכם שיעשה את מה שאמר שיעשה?
verbally attacked by somebody,
a really disabling illness,
and do what needs to be done
ויעשה מה שצריך לעשות
cared for and protected?
שהוא דואג לכם ומגן עליכם?
isn't doing that for you --
לא ממלא את הצורך הזה עבורכם --
to do that for them --
למלא את הצורך הזה במקומו --
be better off out of it rather than in it.
מחוצה לה מאשר בתוכה.
when it really matters?
commit to do something for your partner.
לעשות משהו עבור בן הזוג שלכם.
as much as you can follow through
שאתה יכול באמת למלא
sound-good-in-the-moment
שנשמעים יותר טוב באותו הרגע
to your partner, and you commit to it,
ואתם מתחייבים לזה,
and high water to follow through.
כדי לעמוד בדיבורכם.
that I'm saying you can look for.
שאתם יכולים לחפש אצל בני הזוג.
things that can be built
the other parent of your children.
ההורה הנוסף לילדים שלכם.
and quirky thing.
to a romantic, loving heart
decision of our life.
הכי חשובה של חיינו.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
George Blair-West - PsychiatristDr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.
Why you should listen
Dr. George Blair-West specializes in psychiatry in private practice in Brisbane, Australia. He sub-specializes in trauma and relationship/sex therapy. His abiding interest is distilling the latest psychotherapeutic research, honing these insights for impactful delivery through his clinical work, and then sharing them with the greater population.
In the 1990s, as a Senior Lecturer at the University of Queensland, Blair-West published widely on suicide and depression. Needing to lose weight himself, he then turned his focus to the overlooked research into the psychological forces that prevent weight loss. The bestselling book Weight Loss for Food Lovers: Understanding Our Minds and Why We Sabotage Our Weight Loss (translated into Dutch and Chinese) along with related research papers resulted in keynote addresses, a regular spot on the Australian breakfast show Today and media appearances around the world. A children's book on teaching healthy eating habits followed, and in 2010 Blair-West was named one of the "top 20 most influential obesity experts in the world."
Blair-West's 2013 novel The Way of The Quest received three international awards and was about the "how to" of finding one's meaning and purpose in life while building healthy relationships.
Helping people make sense of relationships is Blair-West's most important work. Drawing on his 25 years as a relationship therapist, he is currently writing his fourth book, How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life with his daughter Jiveny Blair-West, a dating coach. He and his wife Penny, a psychologist, celebrated 30 years of marriage in 2018.
George Blair-West | Speaker | TED.com