George Blair-West: 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
George Blair-West: Três maneiras de evitar o divórcio antes de se casar
Dr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry. Full bio
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and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory
e Thomas Harms desenvolveram
mais angustiantes que poderíamos ter.
human experiences that we could have.
Three, marital separation.
do que vem em sétimo lugar na lista,
what comes in number seven on the list,
in an institution.
em uma instituição.
foi contado duas vezes.
has been counted twice.
de estresse vital foi criado,
praticamente se equiparava a um casamento.
pretty much equated to a marriage.
para os propósitos desta palestra,
I'm going to be including
common-law marriages
de casamentos e casamentos do mesmo sexo
soon hopefully to become marriages.
prestes a se tornarem casamentos.
with same-sex couples,
o essencial do que estou prestes a dizer
to talk about are no different.
em todos os relacionamentos.
sabemos que a prevenção
is better than cure.
tetanus, whooping cough, measles.
tétano, coqueluche, sarampo.
for melanoma, stroke, diabetes --
para melanoma, derrame, diabetes.
É a nossa taxa anual atual de divórcio.
our current divorce rate.
de prevenção para o divórcio?
our policymakers don't believe
não acreditam que coisas como atração
and the way relationships are built
é mutável ou educável.
são da Geração X.
are Generation X.
about these issues,
vejo o olhar distante deles,
esse psiquiatra louco não entende?
como as pessoas se atraem
people attract other people
nossos queridos Millennials.
analytical and skeptical generation,
à informação, mais analítica e cética
que qualquer geração antes deles.
of any generation before them.
eu recebo uma reação muito diferente.
I get a very different reaction.
relacionamentos que duram?
have relationships that last?
a era pós-romântica do destino comigo,
the post- "romantic destiny" era with me,
for preventing divorce.
de vida para prevenir o divórcio.
to prevent divorce at two points:
o divórcio em dois pontos:
in an established relationship;
a aparecer num relacionamento estabelecido
before we have children.
termos filhos e é sobre o que vou falar.
on their devices a day.
ao dia em seus dispositivos;
as relações deles face a face.
their face-to-face relationships.
the hookup culture,
logo aplicativos como o Tinder,
the 20-somethings that I work with
com 20 e poucos anos com os quais trabalho
how it is often easier for them
fazer sexo com alguém que conheceram
fora da instituição do casamento.
of the institution of marriage.
and get all moral on me,
lembrem-se que a Geração X,
in the American Public Report,
tinham feito sexo antes do casamento
estejam acontecendo mais tarde.
these relationships are happening later.
at an average age for women of 20
para as mulheres e 23 para homens.
30 anos para mulheres e 32 para homens.
the older you are when you get married,
você for quando se casar,
the other two preventers of divorce
dois impedimentos do divórcio
e uma renda mais elevada,
to go with tertiary education.
kind of get mixed up together.
nos dizem que o cérebro humano
until at least the age of 25.
pelo menos, os 25 anos de idade.
e o que você pensa ainda muda
and what you're thinking
to my mind, is personality.
para mim, é a personalidade.
com sua personalidade aos 50.
your personality at the age of 50.
personalidade aos 50 anos.
your personality at the age of 50.
jovem por que se separou, ele disse:
who got married young why they broke up,
porque os 20 anos são uma década
of rapid change and maturation.
before you get married is older.
antes de se casar é ficar mais velho.
e pesquisador de relacionamentos,
and relationship researcher,
que se correlacionam
with a happy, successful marriage.
se este problema estiver presente.
self-destruct, if this problem is present.
to talk about it here
porque é algo que vocês podem avaliar
you can evaluate while you're dating.
mais estáveis e felizes,
that were the most stable and happy
em que o casal compartilhava o poder.
the couple shared power.
viajar para o exterior, comprar um carro,
overseas trips, buying a car,
drilled down on this data,
examinou esses dados,
eram geralmente muito influenciáveis.
were generally pretty influenceable.
two options here, isn't there?
tendem a ser “pais extraordinários”!
é o seu homem?
presente no processo de tomada de decisão.
in the decision-making process.
por que casais vêm me ver
why couples come in to see me
por 30 ou 40 anos.
for 30 or 40 years.
the infirmities and illness of old age.
das enfermidades e doenças da velhice,
focused on caring for each other.
concentrados em cuidar um do outro.
que os têm incomodado por anos.
that have bugged them for years.
até infidelidades,
even infidelities,
on caring for each other.
é confiança ou a falta dela.
for this is reliability,
to do what they say they're going to do?
fará o que ele diz que vai fazer?
sendo verbalmente atacada por alguém
verbally attacked by somebody,
a really disabling illness,
realmente incapacitante,
e faz o que é preciso
and do what needs to be done
cared for and protected?
cuidada e protegida?
parceiro não está fazendo isso por você,
isn't doing that for you --
to do that for them --
sair dele do que permanecer.
be better off out of it rather than in it.
when it really matters?
mas particularmente se for importante.
commit to do something for your partner.
a fazer algo pelo seu parceiro.
com o máximo que você puder cumprir
as much as you can follow through
sound-good-in-the-moment
no momento e depois decepcioná-lo.
para o seu parceiro e você se comprometer,
to your partner, and you commit to it,
and high water to follow through.
para cumprir, seja o que for.
que você pode buscar,
that I'm saying you can look for.
things that can be built
ser construídas em relações existentes.
escolhe como parceiro na vida,
os seus filhos com você.
the other parent of your children.
and quirky thing.
bonito e peculiar.
a um coração romântico e amoroso
to a romantic, loving heart
decision of our life.
mais importante da nossa vida.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
George Blair-West - PsychiatristDr. George Blair-West is an author, researcher and doctor specializing in psychiatry.
Why you should listen
Dr. George Blair-West specializes in psychiatry in private practice in Brisbane, Australia. He sub-specializes in trauma and relationship/sex therapy. His abiding interest is distilling the latest psychotherapeutic research, honing these insights for impactful delivery through his clinical work, and then sharing them with the greater population.
In the 1990s, as a Senior Lecturer at the University of Queensland, Blair-West published widely on suicide and depression. Needing to lose weight himself, he then turned his focus to the overlooked research into the psychological forces that prevent weight loss. The bestselling book Weight Loss for Food Lovers: Understanding Our Minds and Why We Sabotage Our Weight Loss (translated into Dutch and Chinese) along with related research papers resulted in keynote addresses, a regular spot on the Australian breakfast show Today and media appearances around the world. A children's book on teaching healthy eating habits followed, and in 2010 Blair-West was named one of the "top 20 most influential obesity experts in the world."
Blair-West's 2013 novel The Way of The Quest received three international awards and was about the "how to" of finding one's meaning and purpose in life while building healthy relationships.
Helping people make sense of relationships is Blair-West's most important work. Drawing on his 25 years as a relationship therapist, he is currently writing his fourth book, How to Make the Biggest Decision of Your Life with his daughter Jiveny Blair-West, a dating coach. He and his wife Penny, a psychologist, celebrated 30 years of marriage in 2018.
George Blair-West | Speaker | TED.com