TEDWomen 2016
Elizabeth Lesser: Say your truths and seek them in others
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In a lyrical, unexpectedly funny talk about heavy topics such as frayed relationships and the death of a loved one, Elizabeth Lesser describes the healing process of putting aside pride and defensiveness to make way for soul-baring and truth-telling. "You don't have to wait for a life-or-death situation to clean up the relationships that matter to you," she says. "Be like a new kind of first responder ... the one to take the first courageous step toward the other."
Elizabeth Lesser - Wellness specialist
Elizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems. Full bio
Elizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
Like many of us,
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I've had several careers in my life,
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and although they've been varied,
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my first job set the foundation
for all of them.
for all of them.
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I was a home-birth midwife
throughout my 20s.
throughout my 20s.
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Delivering babies taught me
valuable and sometimes surprising things,
valuable and sometimes surprising things,
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like how to start a car at 2am.
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when it's 10 degrees below zero.
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(Laughter)
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Or how to revive a father
who's fainted at the sight of blood.
who's fainted at the sight of blood.
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(Laughter)
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Or how to cut the umbilical cord just so,
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to make a beautiful belly button.
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But those aren't the things
that stuck with me or guided me
that stuck with me or guided me
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when I stopped being a midwife
and started other jobs.
and started other jobs.
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What stuck with me was this bedrock belief
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that each one of us comes into this world
with a unique worth.
with a unique worth.
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When I looked into the face of a newborn,
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I caught a glimpse of that worthiness,
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that sense of unapologetic selfhood,
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that unique spark.
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I use the word "soul"
to describe that spark,
to describe that spark,
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because it's the only word in English
that comes close to naming
that comes close to naming
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what each baby brought into the room.
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Every newborn was as singular
as a snowflake,
as a snowflake,
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a matchless mash-up of biology
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and ancestry and mystery.
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And then that baby grows up,
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and in order to fit into the family,
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to conform to the culture,
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to the community, to the gender,
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that little one begins to cover its soul,
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layer by layer.
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We're born this way,
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but --
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(Laughter)
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But as we grow, a lot
of things happen to us
of things happen to us
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that make us ...
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want to hide our soulful
eccentricities and authenticity.
eccentricities and authenticity.
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We've all done this.
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Everyone in this room is a former baby --
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(Laughter)
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with a distinctive birthright.
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But as adults, we spend so much
of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,
of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,
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like we have ADD:
authenticity deficit disorder.
authenticity deficit disorder.
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But not those babies --
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not yet.
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Their message to me was:
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uncover your soul
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and look for that soul-spark
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in everyone else.
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It's still there.
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And here's what I learned
from laboring women.
from laboring women.
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Their message was about staying open,
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even when things are painful.
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A woman's cervix normally looks like this.
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It's a tight little muscle
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at the base of the uterus.
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And during labor,
it has to stretch from this
it has to stretch from this
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to this.
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Ouch!
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If you fight against that pain,
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you just create more pain,
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and you block what wants to be born.
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I'll never forget the magic
that would happen
that would happen
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when a woman stopped resisting the pain
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and opened.
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It was as if the forces
of the universe took notice
of the universe took notice
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and sent in a wave of help.
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I never forgot that message,
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and now, when difficult
or painful things happen to me
or painful things happen to me
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in my life or my work,
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of course at first I resist them,
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but then I remember
what I learned from the mothers:
what I learned from the mothers:
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stay open.
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Stay curious.
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Ask the pain what it's come to deliver.
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Something new wants to be born.
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And there was one more big soulful lesson,
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and that one I learned
from Albert Einstein.
from Albert Einstein.
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He wasn't at any of the births, but --
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(Laughter)
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It was a lesson about time.
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At the end of his life,
Albert Einstein concluded
Albert Einstein concluded
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that our normal, hamster-wheel
experience of life
experience of life
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is an illusion.
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We run round and round, faster and faster,
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trying to get somewhere.
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And all the while,
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underneath surface time
is this whole other dimension
is this whole other dimension
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where the past and the present
and the future merge
and the future merge
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and become deep time.
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And there's nowhere to get to.
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Albert Einstein called
this state, this dimension,
this state, this dimension,
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"only being."
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And he said when he experienced it,
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he knew sacred awe.
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When I was delivering babies,
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I was forced off the hamster wheel.
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Sometimes I had to sit for days,
hours and hours,
hours and hours,
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just breathing with the parents;
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just being.
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And I got a big dose of sacred awe.
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So those are the three lessons
I took with me from midwifery.
I took with me from midwifery.
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One: uncover your soul.
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Two: when things get difficult
or painful, try to stay open.
or painful, try to stay open.
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And three: every now and then,
step off your hamster wheel
step off your hamster wheel
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into deep time.
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Those lessons have served me
throughout my life,
throughout my life,
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but they really served me recently,
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when I took on the most
important job of my life thus far.
important job of my life thus far.
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Two years ago, my younger sister
came out of remission
came out of remission
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from a rare blood cancer,
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and the only treatment left for her
was a bone marrow transplant.
was a bone marrow transplant.
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And against the odds,
we found a match for her,
we found a match for her,
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who turned out to be me.
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I come from a family of four girls,
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and when my sisters found out that
I was my sister's perfect genetic match,
I was my sister's perfect genetic match,
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their reaction was, "Really? You?"
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(Laughter)
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"A perfect match for her?"
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Which is pretty typical for siblings.
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In a sibling society,
there's lots of things.
there's lots of things.
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There's love and there's friendship
and there's protection.
and there's protection.
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But there's also jealousy
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and competition
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and rejection and attack.
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In siblinghood, that's where we start
assembling many of those first layers
assembling many of those first layers
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that cover our soul.
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When I discovered I was my sister's match,
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I went into research mode.
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And I discovered that
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the premise of transplants
is pretty straightforward.
is pretty straightforward.
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You destroy all the bone marrow
in the cancer patient
in the cancer patient
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with massive doses of chemotherapy,
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and then you replace that marrow
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with several million healthy
marrow cells from a donor.
marrow cells from a donor.
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And then you do everything you can
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to make sure that those new cells
engraft in the patient.
engraft in the patient.
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I also learned that bone marrow
transplants are fraught with danger.
transplants are fraught with danger.
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If my sister made it
through the near-lethal chemotherapy,
through the near-lethal chemotherapy,
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she still would face other challenges.
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My cells
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might attack her body.
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And her body might reject my cells.
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They call this rejection or attack,
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and both could kill her.
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Rejection. Attack.
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Those words had a familiar ring
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in the context of being siblings.
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My sister and I had
a long history of love,
a long history of love,
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but we also had a long history
of rejection and attack,
of rejection and attack,
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from minor misunderstandings
to bigger betrayals.
to bigger betrayals.
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We didn't have
the kind of the relationship
the kind of the relationship
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where we talked about the deeper stuff;
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but, like many siblings and like people
in all kinds of relationships,
in all kinds of relationships,
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we were hesitant to tell our truths,
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to reveal our wounds,
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to admit our wrongdoings.
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But when I learned about
the dangers of rejection or attack,
the dangers of rejection or attack,
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I thought, it's time to change this.
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What if we left the bone marrow
transplant up to the doctors,
transplant up to the doctors,
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but did something that we later came
to call our "soul marrow transplant?"
to call our "soul marrow transplant?"
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What if we faced any pain
we had caused each other,
we had caused each other,
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and instead of rejection or attack,
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could we listen?
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Could we forgive?
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Could we merge?
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Would that teach our cells to do the same?
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To woo my skeptical sister,
I turned to my parents' holy text:
I turned to my parents' holy text:
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the New Yorker Magazine.
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(Laughter)
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I sent her a cartoon from its pages
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as a way of explaining
why we should visit a therapist
why we should visit a therapist
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before having my bone marrow harvested
and transplanted into her body.
and transplanted into her body.
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Here it is.
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"I have never forgiven him for that thing
I made up in my head."
I made up in my head."
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(Laughter)
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I told my sister
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we had probably been doing the same thing,
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carting around made-up stories
in our heads that kept us separate.
in our heads that kept us separate.
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And I told her that after the transplant,
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all of the blood flowing in her veins
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would be my blood,
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made from my marrow cells,
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and that inside the nucleus
of each of those cells
of each of those cells
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is a complete set of my DNA.
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"I will be swimming around in you
for the rest of your life,"
for the rest of your life,"
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I told my slightly horrified sister.
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(Laughter)
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"I think we better clean up
our relationship."
our relationship."
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A health crisis makes people
do all sorts of risky things,
do all sorts of risky things,
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like quitting a job
or jumping out of an airplane
or jumping out of an airplane
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and, in the case of my sister,
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saying "yes" to several therapy sessions,
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during which we got down to the marrow.
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We looked at and released years of stories
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and assumptions about each other
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and blame and shame
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until all that was left was love.
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People have said I was brave
to undergo the bone marrow harvest,
to undergo the bone marrow harvest,
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but I don't think so.
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What felt brave to me
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was that other kind
of harvest and transplant,
of harvest and transplant,
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the soul marrow transplant,
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getting emotionally naked
with another human being,
with another human being,
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putting aside pride and defensiveness,
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lifting the layers
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and sharing with each other
our vulnerable souls.
our vulnerable souls.
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I called on those midwife lessons:
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uncover your soul.
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Open to what's scary and painful.
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Look for the sacred awe.
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Here I am with my marrow cells
after the harvest.
after the harvest.
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That's they call it -- "harvest,"
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like it's some kind of bucolic
farm-to-table event --
farm-to-table event --
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(Laughter)
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Which I can assure you it is not.
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And here is my brave, brave sister
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receiving my cells.
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After the transplant, we began to spend
more and more time together.
more and more time together.
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It was as if we were little girls again.
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The past and the present merged.
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We entered deep time.
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I left the hamster wheel of work and life
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to join my sister
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on that lonely island
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of illness and healing.
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We spent months together --
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in the isolation unit,
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in the hospital and in her home.
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Our fast-paced society
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does not support or even value
this kind of work.
this kind of work.
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We see it as a disruption
of real life and important work.
of real life and important work.
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We worry about the emotional drain
and the financial cost --
and the financial cost --
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and, yes, there is a financial cost.
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But I was paid
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in the kind of currency our culture
seems to have forgotten all about.
seems to have forgotten all about.
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I was paid in love.
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I was paid in soul.
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I was paid in my sister.
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My sister said the year after transplant
was the best year of her life,
was the best year of her life,
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which was surprising.
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She suffered so much.
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But she said life never tasted as sweet,
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and that because of the soul-baring
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and the truth-telling
we had done with each other,
we had done with each other,
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she became more unapologetically herself
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with everyone.
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She said things
she'd always needed to say.
she'd always needed to say.
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She did things she always wanted to do.
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The same happened for me.
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I became braver about being authentic
with the people in my life.
with the people in my life.
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I said my truths,
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but more important than that,
I sought the truth of others.
I sought the truth of others.
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It wasn't until
the final chapter of this story
the final chapter of this story
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that I realized just how well
midwifery had trained me.
midwifery had trained me.
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After that best year of my sister's life,
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the cancer came roaring back,
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and this time there was nothing more
the doctors could do.
the doctors could do.
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They gave her just
a couple of months to live.
a couple of months to live.
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The night before my sister died,
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I sat by her bedside.
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She was so small and thin.
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I could see the blood pulsing in her neck.
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It was my blood, her blood, our blood.
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When she died, part of me would die, too.
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I tried to make sense of it all,
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how becoming one with each other
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had made us more ourselves,
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our soul selves,
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and how by facing and opening
to the pain of our past,
to the pain of our past,
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we'd finally been delivered to each other,
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14:32
and how by stepping out of time,
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we would now be connected forever.
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My sister left me with so many things,
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and I'm going to leave you now
with just one of them.
with just one of them.
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You don't have to wait
for a life-or-death situation
for a life-or-death situation
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to clean up the relationships
that matter to you,
that matter to you,
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to offer the marrow of your soul
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14:57
and to seek it in another.
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We can all do this.
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We can be like a new kind
of first responder,
of first responder,
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like the one to take
the first courageous step
the first courageous step
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toward the other,
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15:13
and to do something or try to do something
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15:16
other than rejection or attack.
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We can do this with our siblings
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and our mates
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and our friends and our colleagues.
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We can do this with the disconnection
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and the discord all around us.
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15:32
We can do this for the soul of the world.
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15:36
Thank you.
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(Applause)
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5996
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Elizabeth Lesser - Wellness specialistElizabeth Lesser helps her readers and students transform their lives after brushes with pain, adversity and life's myriad problems.
Why you should listen
Elizabeth Lesser is a bestselling author and the cofounder of Omega Institute, the renowned conference and retreat center located in Rhinebeck, New York. Lesser's first book, The Seeker's Guide, chronicles her years at Omega and distills lessons learned into a potent guide for growth and healing. Her New York Times bestselling book, Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow (Random House), has sold more than 300,000 copies and has been translated into 20 languages. Her latest book, Marrow: A Love Story (Harper Collins/September 2016), is a memoir about Elizabeth and her younger sister, Maggie, and the process they went through when Elizabeth was the donor for Maggie’s bone marrow transplant.
Lesser cofounded Omega Institute in 1977 -- a time when a variety of fresh ideas were sprouting in American culture. Since then, the institute has been at the forefront of holistic education, offering workshops and trainings in: integrative medicine, prevention, nutrition, and the mind/body connection; meditation and yoga; cross-cultural arts and creativity; ecumenical spirituality; and social change movements like women's empowerment and environmental sustainability. Lesser is also the cofounder of Omega's Women's Leadership Center, which grew out of the popular Women & Power conference series featuring women leaders, activists, authors and artists from around the world. Each year more than 30,000 people participate in Omega's programs on its campus in Rhinebeck, New York and at urban and travel sites, and more than a million people visit its website for online learning.
A student of the Sufi master, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, for many years, Lesser has also studied with spiritual teachers, healers, psychologists and philosophers from other traditions. In 2008 she helped Oprah Winfrey produce a ten-week online seminar based on Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth. The webinar was viewed by more than 8 million people worldwide. She was a frequent host on Oprah's "Soul Series," a weekly radio show on Sirius/XM, and a guest on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday." In 2011, she gave a TED Talk, "Take 'the Other' to lunch ," in which she called for civility and understanding as we negotiate our differences as human beings.
Lesser attended Barnard College, where she studied literature, and San Francisco State University, where she received a teaching degree. In 2011 she received an honorary doctorate from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, in Palo Alto, California. Early in her career she was a midwife and birth educator. Today, besides writing and her work at Omega Institute, she lends her time to social and environmental causes and is an avid walker, cook and gardener. She lives with her family in New York's Hudson River Valley.
Elizabeth Lesser | Speaker | TED.com