TEDxAmericanRiviera
Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage
Džena Mekarti (Jenna McCarthy): Šta ne znate o braku
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U ovom zabavnom, neformalnom govoru sa TEDx konferencije, spisateljica Džena Mekarti podelila je sa nama iznedađujuće istraživanje o tome kako brakovi (pogotovo srećni brakovi) zaista funkcionišu. Mali savet: Ne pokušavajte da osvojite Oskara za najbolju glumicu.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
Every year in the United States alone,
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Svake godine, samo u SAD,
00:18
2,077,000 couples
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2.077.000 parova
00:21
make a legal and spiritual decision
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donosi pravnu i duhovnu odluku
00:24
to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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da provedu ostatak svojih života zajedno...
00:28
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone else,
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i ne spavaju ni sa kim drugim,
00:33
ever.
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ikada.
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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On kupuje prsten, ona venčanicu.
00:39
They go shopping
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Odlaze u kupovinu
00:41
for all sorts of things.
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najrazličitijih stvari.
00:43
She takes him to Arthur Murray
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Vodi ga kod Artura Mareja
00:45
for ballroom dancing lessons.
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na časove plesa.
00:48
And the big day comes.
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A onda dolazi i veliki dan.
00:50
And they'll stand before God and family
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Oni će stati pred bogom i porodicom
00:53
and some guy her dad once did business with,
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i nekim momkom sa kojim je njen otac nekada poslovao,
00:56
and they'll vow that nothing,
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i zavetovati se da ništa,
00:58
not abject poverty,
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ni potpuno siromaštvo,
01:00
not life-threatening illness,
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ni smrtonosna bolest,
01:03
not complete and utter misery
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ni potpuna i krajnja mizerija
01:06
will ever put the tiniest damper
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neće nimalo umanjiti
01:09
on their eternal love and devotion.
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njihovu večnu ljubav i privrženost.
01:11
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:13
These optimistic young bastards
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Ove optimistične mlade budale
01:15
promise to honor and cherish each other
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obećavaju da će poštovati i ceniti jedno drugo
01:17
through hot flashes
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kroz "valunge"
01:19
and mid-life crises
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krize srednjih godina,
01:22
and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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i nagomilanih 20 kg viška
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until that far-off day
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sve do onog dalekog dana
01:28
when one of them is finally able
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kada će jedno od njih konačno biti u stanju
01:30
to rest in peace.
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da počiva u miru.
01:33
You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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Znate, zato što više ne može da čuje hrkanje.
01:36
And then they'll get stupid drunk
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Onda će se užasno napiti,
01:38
and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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razmazati tortu jedno drugom po licu i odigrati "Makarenu",
01:41
and we'll be there
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a mi ćemo biti tu
01:43
showering them with towels and toasters
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da ih obasipamo peškirima i tosterima,
01:45
and drinking their free booze
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pijemo njihovo besplatno piće
01:47
and throwing birdseed at them
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i posipamo zrnevljem,
01:49
every single time --
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i tako svaki put --
01:51
even though we know,
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iako znamo da će se,
01:53
statistically,
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prema statistici,
01:55
half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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polovina njih razvesti u toku naredne decenije.
01:58
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:01
Of course, the other half won't, right?
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Naravno, druga polovina neće, zar ne?
02:03
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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Oni će nastaviti da zaboravljaju godišnjice
02:06
and arguing about where to spend holidays
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i raspravljaju o tome gde da provedu praznike
02:09
and debating which way
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i o tome u kom smeru
02:11
the toilet paper
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bi toalet papir
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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trebalo da se skida sa rolne.
02:15
And some of them
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A neki od njih
02:17
will even still be enjoying each others' company
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će i dalje uživati u društvu partnera
02:21
when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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čak ni kada nijedno ne bude moglo da žvaće čvrstu hranu.
02:24
And researchers want to know why.
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A istraživači žele da znaju zašto.
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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Mislim, pa pogledajte, nije potrebna dupla slepa studija sa placebom
02:30
to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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da bismo zaključili zbog čega brak ne funkcioniše.
02:34
Disrespect, boredom,
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Nepoštovanje, dosada,
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too much time on Facebook,
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previše vremena provedenog na Fejsbuku,
02:39
having sex with other people.
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spavanje sa drugim ljudima.
02:41
But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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Ali možete imati potpunu suprotnost tih stvari --
02:44
respect, excitement,
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poštovanje, uzbuđenje,
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a broken Internet connection,
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Internet vezu u prekidu,
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mind-numbing monogamy --
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zatupljujuću monogamiju --
02:53
and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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i stvari opet mogu otići dođavola.
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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Dakle, šta se dešava kada se to ne dogodi?
02:59
What do the folks who make it
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Šta imaju zajedničko ljudi koji stignu
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all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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do toga da leže
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have in common?
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jedan pored drugog u zemlji.
03:05
What are they doing right?
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Šta oni to ispravno rade?
03:07
What can we learn from them?
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Šta možemo da naučimo od njih?
03:10
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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A, ako ste i dalje srećni što spavate sami,
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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zašto bi trebalo da prestanete sa tim
03:16
and make it your life's work
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i posvetite život
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to find that one special person
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traženju te jedne, posebne osobe
03:21
that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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koju možete da nervirate do kraja života?
03:24
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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Pa, istraživači su potrošili milijarde vaših poreskih dolara
03:27
trying to figure that out.
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pokušavajući da to odgonetnu.
03:29
They stalk blissful couples
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Oni proganjaju srećne parove
03:31
and they study their every move and mannerism.
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i proučavaju svaki njihov pokret i ponašanje.
03:34
And they try to pinpoint what it is
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I pokušavaju da tačno utvrde po čemu
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that sets them apart
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se oni razlikuju
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from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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od svojih očajnih komšija i prijatelja.
03:40
And it turns out,
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I tako se ispotavilo,
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the success stories
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da uspešne priče,
03:44
share a few similarities,
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dele nekoliko sličnosti,
03:46
actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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osim onoga da ne spavaju sa drugim ljudima.
03:49
For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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Na primer, u najsrećnijim brakovima,
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the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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žena je mršavija i izgleda bolje od muža.
03:55
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:57
Obvious, right.
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Očigledno, zar ne?
03:59
It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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Očigledno je da ovo dovodi do blagostanja u braku
04:01
because, women, we care a great deal
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jer mi žene vodimo dosta računa
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about being thin and good looking,
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o svojoj kilaži i izgledu,
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whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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dok muškarce najviše zanima seks...
04:08
ideally with women
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najčešće sa ženama
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who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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koje su mršavije i izgledaju bolje od njih.
04:12
The beauty of this research though
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Međutim, lepota ovog istraživanja
04:14
is that no one is suggesting
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je to što niko ne kaže
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that women have to be thin to be happy;
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da žene moraju da budu mršave da bi bile srećne;
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we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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samo treba da budemo mršavije od svojih partnera.
04:21
So instead of all that laborious
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Tako da umesto svih onih
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dieting and exercising,
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napornih dijeta i vežbi,
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we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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samo treba da sačekamo da se oni ugoje,
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maybe bake a few pies.
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i možda ispečemo po koju pitu.
04:31
This is good information to have,
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Ovo je dobro znati,
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and it's not that complicated.
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a i nije toliko komplikovano.
04:36
Research also suggests
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Istraživanje takođe pretpostavlja
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that the happiest couples
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da su najsrećniji parovi
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are the ones that focus on the positives.
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oni koji se fokusiraju na pozitivnost.
04:42
For example, the happy wife.
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Na primer, srećna žena.
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Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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Umesto da ističe sve veći stomak supruga
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or suggesting he go for a run,
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ili mu predlaže da ode na trčanje,
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she might say,
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ona može reći,
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"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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"Vau, dušo, hvala ti što se trudiš
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to make me relatively thinner."
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da ja izgledam relativno mršavije."
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These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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Ima parova koji mogu da pronađu dobro u svakoj situaciji.
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"Yeah, it was devastating
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"Da, bilo je užasno,
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when we lost everything in that fire,
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kada smo izgubili sve zbog požara,
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but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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ali je nekako lepo i spavati ovde pod zvezdama,
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and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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i super je to što imaš svo to salo
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to keep us warm."
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da nas ugreje."
05:12
One of my favorite studies found
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Jedna od mojih omiljenih studija pokazala je
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that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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da što je više suprug spreman da radi kućne poslove,
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the more attractive his wife will find him.
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to je više privlačniji ženi.
05:21
Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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Baš nam je potrebna studija da nam to pokaže.
05:25
But here's what's going on here.
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Ali evo šta se tu dešava.
05:27
The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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Što joj je privlačniji, biće više seksa;
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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što više seksa imaju, on će biti finiji prema njoj;
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the nicer he is to her,
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što je on finiji prema njoj,
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the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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to mu ona manje gunđa zbog ostavljanja mokrih peškira po krevetu --
05:37
and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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što konačno dovodi do toga da žive srećno do kraja života.
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In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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Drugim rečima, muškraci, mogli biste da malo poradite
05:43
in the domestic department.
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na kućnim poslovima.
05:46
Here's an interesting one.
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Evo jedne zanimljive.
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One study found
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Jedna studija je pokazala
05:50
that people who smile in childhood photographs
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da se ljudi koji se smeju na fotografijama iz detinjstva
05:53
are less likely to get a divorce.
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ređe razvode.
05:55
This is an actual study,
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Ovo je prava studija,
05:57
and let me clarify.
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a dozvolite mi da pojasnim.
05:59
The researchers were not looking
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Istraživači nisu tražili
06:01
at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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dokumentovane izjave o srećnom detinjstvu,
06:03
or even studying old journals.
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niti proučavali stare dnevnike.
06:05
The data were based entirely
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Podaci su formirani na osnovu
06:07
on whether people looked happy
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toga da li su ljudi delovali srećno
06:10
in these early pictures.
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na tim fotografijama.
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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Ja ne znam koliko vi imate godina,
06:15
but when I was a kid,
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ali kada sam ja bila dete,
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your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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roditelji su fotografisali specijalnim apratom
06:19
that held something called film,
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u kojem se nalazilo nešto što se zove film,
06:22
and, by God, film was expensive.
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i tako mi Boga, film je bio skup.
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots of you
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Nismo mogli da napravimo 300 fotki
06:28
in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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u onom brzom digitalnom načinu rada
06:31
and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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pa da onda da izaberete najlepšu, sa najvećim osmehom,
06:33
for the Christmas card.
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za Božićnu čestitku.
06:35
Oh no.
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Ne, ne.
06:37
They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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Obukli bi vas, poređali,
06:39
and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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a vi biste se smejali u jebeni aparat kao što su vam rekli,
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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ili biste mogli da se pozdravite sa rođendanskom žurkom.
06:44
But still, I have a huge pile
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Ali ipak, imam ogromnu gomilu,
06:46
of fake happy childhood pictures
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lažno-srećnih slika iz detinjstva,
06:48
and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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i drago mi je što, po njima, imam manje šansi
06:51
to get a divorce.
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od nekih ljudi da se razvedem.
06:53
So what else can you do
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Dakle, šta još možete učiniti
06:55
to safeguard your marriage?
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da biste zaštitili svoj brak?
06:57
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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Nemojte da osvojite Oskara za najbolju glumicu.
07:00
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:02
I'm serious.
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Ozbiljna sam.
07:04
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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Beti Dejvis, Džoun Kraford, Hali Beri,
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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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Hilari Svonk, Sandra Bulok, Riz Viterspun,
07:08
all of them single
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sve one ostale su same,
07:10
soon after taking home that statue.
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ubrzo nakon što su odnele kući tu statuu.
07:12
They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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Zapravo to nazivaju kletva Oskara.
07:14
It is the marriage kiss of death
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To je poljubac smrti za brak
07:16
and something that should be avoided.
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i nešto što bi trebalo izbegavati.
07:19
And it's not just successfully starring in films
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I nije to što su uspešno odigrale
07:21
that's dangerous.
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uloge u filmovima što je opasno.
07:23
It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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Ispostavilo se, da samo gledanje romantične komedije
07:27
causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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dovodi do drastičnog pada zadovoljstva u vezi.
07:30
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:32
Apparently, the bitter realization
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Očigledno, ogorčeno shvatanje
07:34
that maybe it could happen to us,
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da bi se možda to moglo dogoditi nama,
07:38
but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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ali se očigledno nije i verovatno neće,
07:40
makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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čini da nam životi u poređenju sa njihovim,
07:42
in comparison.
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izgledaju nepodnošljivo tmurno.
07:44
And theoretically,
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I u teoriji,
07:46
I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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pretpostavljam da ako izaberemo film u kojem je neko brutalno ubijen
07:49
or dies in a fiery car crash,
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ili gine u ekplodirajućoj saobraćajnoj nesreći
07:51
we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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veće su šanse da izađemo iz bioskopa
07:54
feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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osećajući da je to što imamo prilično dobro.
07:57
Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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Konzumiranje alkohola, čini se,
08:00
is bad for your marriage.
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je loše po brak.
08:02
Yeah.
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Da.
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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Ne mogu vam reći još mnogo o toj
08:06
because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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jer sam prestala da čitam posle naslova.
08:08
But here's a scary one:
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Ali evo jedne zastrašujuće:
08:10
Divorce is contagious.
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Razvod je zarazan.
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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Tako je - kada vaš bliski prijatelj raskine
08:16
it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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povećavaju se šanse da se razvedete,
08:18
by 75 percent.
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za 75%.
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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Moram da priznam, da ovu uopšte ne razumem.
08:24
My husband and I
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Moj suprug i ja
08:26
have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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smo posmatrali kako dosta naših prijatelja deli svoju imovinu,
08:29
and then struggle
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a onda se muče
08:31
with being our age and single
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da u našim godinama budu sami
08:34
in an age of sexting and Viagra
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u eri seksualnog dopisivanja i vijagre
08:36
and eHarmony.
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i sajtova za upoznavanje.
08:38
And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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Mislim da su oni uradili za moj brak više
08:40
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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nego što bi doživotna terapija mogla.
08:44
So now you may be wondering,
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Sada se možda pitate,
08:46
why does anyone get married ever?
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zašto iko ikada stupa u brak?
08:50
Well the U.S. federal government
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Pa, savezna vlada Sjedinjenih Država,
08:53
counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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nabraja više od hiljadu pravnih dobiti
08:55
to being someone's spouse --
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kada postanete nečiji supružnik --
08:57
a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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lista koja uključuje pravo na posete u zatvoru,
09:00
but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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ali, nadajmo se, to vam neće biti potrebno.
09:02
But beyond the profound federal perks,
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Ali, osim temeljnih federalnih prava,
09:06
married people make more money.
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venčani ljudi zarađuju više novca.
09:08
We're healthier,
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Mi smo zdraviji,
09:10
physically and emotionally.
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fizički i emotivno.
09:13
We produce happier, more stable
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Mi pravimo srećniju, stabilniju
09:15
and more successful kids.
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i uspešniju decu.
09:18
We have more sex
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Imamo više seksa
09:20
than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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od naših navodno raskalašnih samih prijatelja --
09:22
believe it or not.
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verovali to ili ne.
09:24
We even live longer,
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Mi čak i živimo duže,
09:26
which is a pretty compelling argument
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što je prlično privlačan argument
09:28
for marrying someone you like a lot
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za venčavanje nekoga ko vam se dosta sviđa
09:30
in the first place.
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sam po sebi.
09:33
Now if you're not currently experiencing
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Ako trenutno ne proživljavate
09:36
the joy of the joint tax return,
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radost zajedničkog plaćanja poreza
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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Ne mogu da vam opišem kako da nađete osobu koja voli kućne poslove
09:42
of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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u približno idealnoj veličini i nivou privlačnosti
09:45
who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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koja više voli horor filmove i nema mnogo prijatelja
09:47
hovering on the brink of divorce,
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koji lebde na ivici razvoda,
09:49
but I can only encourage you to try,
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ali vas samo mogu ohrabriti da pokušate,
09:52
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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jer su koristi, kao što sam predočila,
09:54
are significant.
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značajne.
09:56
The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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Ključna stvar je, bilo da ste u braku ili još tražite,
09:59
I believe marriage is an institution
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ja verujem da je brak institucija
10:02
worth pursuing and protecting.
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kojoj je vredno stremiti i zaštiti.
10:05
So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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Tako da se nadam da ćete infomacije koje sam vam danas dala
10:07
to weigh your personal strengths
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iskoristiti kako biste izmerili ličnu jačinu
10:09
against your own risk factors.
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u odnosu na sopstvene faktore rizika.
10:11
For instance, in my marriage,
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Na primer, moj brak,
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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rekla bih da mi dobro ide.
10:15
One the one hand,
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U jednu ruku,
10:17
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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imam muža koje je iritantno pouzdan
10:20
and incredibly handsome.
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i neverovatno zgodan.
10:22
So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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Dakle, očigledno da ću mora da ga podgojim.
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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I kao što sam rekla, imamo te razvedene prijatelje,
10:27
who may secretly or subconsciously
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koji možda tajno ili podsvesno
10:29
be trying to break us up.
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pokušavaju da nas razdvoje.
10:31
So we have to keep an eye on that.
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Moraću da obratim pažnju na do.
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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Mi volimo po koji koktel.
10:37
On the other hand,
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U drugu ruku,
10:39
I have the fake happy picture thing.
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imam lažno-srećne slike.
10:41
And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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Takođe, moj muž radi dosta toga po kući,
10:44
and would happily never see
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i rado ne bi odgledao više
10:46
another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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nijednu romantičnu komediju do kraja života.
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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Te stvari mi idu u korist.
10:52
But just in case,
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Ali, za svaki slučaj,
10:54
I plan to work extra hard
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planiram da se dodatno potrudim
10:56
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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da ne osvojim Oskara u skorijoj budućnosti.
10:59
And for the good of your relationships,
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A za dobrobit vaših veza,
11:01
I would encourage you to do the same.
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preporučujem vam da učinite isto.
11:03
I'll see you at the bar.
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Vidimo se u baru.
11:05
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - WriterJenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.
Why you should listen
Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com