TEDxAmericanRiviera
Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage
Jenna McCarthy：你所不知道的婚姻
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在這個輕鬆有趣的TEDx演講中，作者Jenna McCarthy將會揭露關於婚姻的驚奇研究，並分享經營婚姻的一些訣竅。其中一個訣竅：想要有幸福的婚姻，就千萬不要贏得奧斯卡最佳女演員獎。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
Every year in the United States alone,
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在美國，每年有
00:18
2,077,000 couples
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207萬7千對新人，
00:21
make a legal and spiritual decision
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許下神聖且合法的承諾
00:24
to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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要與另一半攜手共度他們往後的人生...
00:28
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone else,
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並且承諾絕對不會跟任何其他的人有染。
00:33
ever.
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絕對不會。
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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他會買下婚戒，她會挑選好婚紗，
00:39
They go shopping
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兩人一起購物
00:41
for all sorts of things.
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一起做任何事情。
00:43
She takes him to Arthur Murray
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她也會帶著他
00:45
for ballroom dancing lessons.
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去學跳愛的雙人舞。
00:48
And the big day comes.
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然後當那重大的日子來到，
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And they'll stand before God and family
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他們會站在上帝，親友，家人
00:53
and some guy her dad once did business with,
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還有一些她父親生意夥伴的面前，
00:56
and they'll vow that nothing,
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對眾人起誓，
00:58
not abject poverty,
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不計較貧困，
01:00
not life-threatening illness,
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任何健康疾病，
01:03
not complete and utter misery
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任何不幸災難，
01:06
will ever put the tiniest damper
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都改變不了兩人之間
01:09
on their eternal love and devotion.
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永恆不變的愛與承諾。
01:11
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
01:13
These optimistic young bastards
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這些天真的年輕小鬼們
01:15
promise to honor and cherish each other
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信誓旦旦會珍惜彼此一輩子，
01:17
through hot flashes
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從熱戀期
01:19
and mid-life crises
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到中年危機，
01:22
and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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體重默默增加了50磅，
01:25
until that far-off day
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一直到很久後的某一天，
01:28
when one of them is finally able
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其中的一個人，終於，
01:30
to rest in peace.
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安詳的睡去。
01:33
You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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你知道的，因為他們終於不用聽到對方的鼾聲了。
01:36
And then they'll get stupid drunk
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他們還會在婚禮那天一起發酒瘋
01:38
and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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然後用蛋糕砸對方的臉，
01:41
and we'll be there
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而我們這些朋友會在一旁，
01:43
showering them with towels and toasters
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拉禮炮，開香檳，
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and drinking their free booze
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享受免費的喜酒，
01:47
and throwing birdseed at them
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還有祝福他們夫妻百年好合，
01:49
every single time --
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一次次的重複。
01:51
even though we know,
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雖然，我們都心知肚明，
01:53
statistically,
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經過統計，
01:55
half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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這些夫妻們有一半會在十年內離婚。
01:58
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
02:01
Of course, the other half won't, right?
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當然，還是有半數的夫妻沒有離婚，對吧?
02:03
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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他們只是會不停的忘記結婚紀念日，
02:06
and arguing about where to spend holidays
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為了要去哪度假起爭執，
02:09
and debating which way
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還有激烈的辯論，到底，
02:11
the toilet paper
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廁所的衛生紙捲
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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應該要向內還是向外。
02:15
And some of them
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然而，還是有一小部分的夫妻
02:17
will even still be enjoying each others' company
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會持續的享受彼此的陪伴，
02:21
when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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即使髮白齒搖仍舊鶼鰈情深。
02:24
And researchers want to know why.
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研究員們想知道他們是如何辦到的。
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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你也知道，用不著大費周章的做科學考證
02:30
to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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我們也知道什麼會使婚姻出現問題。
02:34
Disrespect, boredom,
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例如彼此不尊重，厭倦對方，
02:36
too much time on Facebook,
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成天上網玩臉書，
02:39
having sex with other people.
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或者是有了外遇。
02:41
But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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即使是一些完全相反的例子，
02:44
respect, excitement,
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彼此尊重，生活有驚喜，
02:47
a broken Internet connection,
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家裡沒網路，
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mind-numbing monogamy --
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這些徹底的遵守一夫一妻制的婚姻，
02:53
and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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仍舊會因為雞毛蒜皮的小事而破裂。
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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所以說，那些成功的幸福婚姻，
02:59
What do the folks who make it
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到底是怎麼維繫的?
03:01
all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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這些白頭到老的夫妻們
03:03
have in common?
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有什麼共同點?
03:05
What are they doing right?
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他們都是怎麼做的?
03:07
What can we learn from them?
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我們要如何向他們學習?
03:10
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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甚至，如果你是個快樂的單身貴族，
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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為什麼要放棄既有的生活，
03:16
and make it your life's work
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自討苦吃的
03:18
to find that one special person
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去找一個所謂的特別的人，
03:21
that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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來讓你下半輩子都不得安寧?
03:24
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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多虧你們的納稅錢，研究員們得以
03:27
trying to figure that out.
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去找出原因。
03:29
They stalk blissful couples
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他們像偵探一樣跟蹤那些幸福小夫妻，
03:31
and they study their every move and mannerism.
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觀察他們的一舉一動，特殊癖好，
03:34
And they try to pinpoint what it is
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試著找出哪些關鍵原因
03:36
that sets them apart
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讓他們得以與眾不同
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from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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不被身邊朋友與鄰居的悲劇同化。
03:40
And it turns out,
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研究結果發現，
03:42
the success stories
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這些幸福的愛情故事，
03:44
share a few similarities,
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都存在著一些共同點，
03:46
actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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不單單只是不偷吃沒亂來。
03:49
For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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舉例來說，其中一個共同點就是
03:52
the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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太太的身材還有外型保持的比先生好。
03:55
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
03:57
Obvious, right.
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挺能理解的吧。
03:59
It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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這樣的現象在幸福婚姻中屢見不鮮，
04:01
because, women, we care a great deal
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原因很簡單，因為我們女人，
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about being thin and good looking,
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就是愛漂亮，
04:05
whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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然後男人成天想著的就是性，
04:08
ideally with women
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男人對性的最高理想，就是對象能
04:10
who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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比他們自己的外型更正點。
04:12
The beauty of this research though
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這個研究的可貴之處在於，
04:14
is that no one is suggesting
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我們女人其實不用
04:16
that women have to be thin to be happy;
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為了討好另一半而拼命減肥，
04:18
we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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只要維持著比我們的先生瘦一點就好。
04:21
So instead of all that laborious
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所以說，與其耗費心神的
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dieting and exercising,
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去節食或上健身房，
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we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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我們只需要讓老公變胖一點就好啦。
04:29
maybe bake a few pies.
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或許多烤兩塊派。
04:31
This is good information to have,
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這對我們女人來說是個天大的好消息，
04:33
and it's not that complicated.
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而且可以輕鬆上手。
04:36
Research also suggests
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另外，研究員們還說，
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that the happiest couples
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最快樂的夫妻們，
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are the ones that focus on the positives.
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都懂得善用正面思考。
04:42
For example, the happy wife.
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例如，一個快樂的太太，
04:44
Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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與其去酸丈夫的啤酒肚有多大，
04:47
or suggesting he go for a run,
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或去催促對方慢跑減肥，
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she might say,
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她可以聰明的說，
04:51
"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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"哇，親愛的你好貼心唷，辛苦的把肚子養大，
04:54
to make me relatively thinner."
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這樣我站在旁邊就顯得比較瘦囉！"
04:57
These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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這樣的小倆口懂得樂觀地去發掘生活中美好的一面。
05:00
"Yeah, it was devastating
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"是的，這的確令人沮喪，
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when we lost everything in that fire,
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那場大火把我們的所有家當都燒光了。
05:05
but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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但能因此有機會睡在星光下也挺不賴的，
05:08
and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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而且也幸好你有好好保存體脂肪，
05:10
to keep us warm."
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這樣抱著你就不怕冷囉。"
05:12
One of my favorite studies found
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我最喜歡的研究報告之一就是
05:15
that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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越樂意幫忙做家事的丈夫
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the more attractive his wife will find him.
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在妻子眼裡就越迷人。
05:21
Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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我們就是需要一個這樣的研究。
05:25
But here's what's going on here.
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這整個流程就是，
05:27
The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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當她越覺得丈夫迷人，她就越願意有性愛；
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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他們越享受性愛，他就對妻子越好；
05:32
the nicer he is to her,
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而他對她越好，
05:34
the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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她就越少去抱怨他亂丟臭襪子，
05:37
and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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然後良性循環下，他們過著幸福快樂的日子。
05:40
In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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換句話說，男人你們該把眼光拉長
05:43
in the domestic department.
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好好當家裡的廁所所長。
05:46
Here's an interesting one.
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這裡有個有趣的例子，
05:48
One study found
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研究指出，
05:50
that people who smile in childhood photographs
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在童年相片裡露出笑容的人，
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are less likely to get a divorce.
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比較不會離婚。
05:55
This is an actual study,
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這個研究是有根據的，
05:57
and let me clarify.
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先澄清一下，
05:59
The researchers were not looking
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這個研究不是根據你自己
06:01
at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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精挑細選的歡樂相簿，
06:03
or even studying old journals.
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也不是調查你的舊日記，
06:05
The data were based entirely
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整個數據是純粹取決於
06:07
on whether people looked happy
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你的幼年照片看起來
06:10
in these early pictures.
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快樂不快樂。
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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我不太清楚各位的年齡，
06:15
but when I was a kid,
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但就我那個年代，
06:17
your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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父母們拍照必須拿一種很特殊的相機，
06:19
that held something called film,
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裡面塞著一個叫底片的東西，
06:22
and, by God, film was expensive.
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這個底片沖洗是要花大錢的，
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots of you
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他們不可能開啟連拍功能，
06:28
in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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隨便亂拍個300張，
06:31
and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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然後挑選笑容最燦爛的
06:33
for the Christmas card.
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來當聖誕卡。
06:35
Oh no.
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嘖嘖嘖，沒這麼好康。
06:37
They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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我們整裝排排站，
06:39
and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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攝影師說笑我們就得笑，
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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然後喀嚓一聲，派對結束。
06:44
But still, I have a huge pile
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但是，我仍舊有很多
06:46
of fake happy childhood pictures
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裂嘴大笑的童年照片，
06:48
and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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非常慶幸它們讓我
06:51
to get a divorce.
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減少了離婚的機率。
06:53
So what else can you do
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所以，我們還能做些什麼
06:55
to safeguard your marriage?
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來捍衛幸福婚姻?
06:57
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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千萬不要，贏得奧斯卡最佳女演員獎。
07:00
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
07:02
I'm serious.
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我是很正經的。
07:04
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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貝蒂戴維斯，珍克勞馥，荷莉貝瑞，希拉莉史旺，
07:06
Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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珊卓布拉克，瑞絲薇絲朋，
07:08
all of them single
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她們得到奧斯卡獎後
07:10
soon after taking home that statue.
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馬上就變單身了。
07:12
They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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這是小金人的詛咒，
07:14
It is the marriage kiss of death
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婚姻的死亡之吻，
07:16
and something that should be avoided.
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我們該全力避免得到這個獎。
07:19
And it's not just successfully starring in films
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而且危險的不只是
07:21
that's dangerous.
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當女主角，
07:23
It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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連隨便看個浪漫喜劇片
07:27
causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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都導致婚姻幸福指數下降！
07:30
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
07:32
Apparently, the bitter realization
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顯然的，很殘酷的事實就是
07:34
that maybe it could happen to us,
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我們本來有機會體驗浪漫情節，
07:38
but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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但身邊那位讓一切都變成不可能了。
07:40
makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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浪漫喜劇讓我們的生活
07:42
in comparison.
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相對顯得慘不忍睹。
07:44
And theoretically,
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所以理論上來說，
07:46
I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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我們該反向操作，選看演員都很不幸被謀殺的電影，
07:49
or dies in a fiery car crash,
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或是被車撞，然後車子還爆炸，
07:51
we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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這樣我們離開戲院時，
07:54
feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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會感到自己的人生還是有光明的。
07:57
Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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喝酒，好像也
08:00
is bad for your marriage.
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會對婚姻有負面影響。
08:02
Yeah.
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就這樣，
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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我沒有辦法多著墨，因為我
08:06
because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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讀完這標題就不想看下去了。
08:08
But here's a scary one:
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但是接下來這個就驚悚了：
08:10
Divorce is contagious.
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離婚是會傳染的。
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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是的，當你有個好朋友離婚了，
08:16
it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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你自己也離婚的機率
08:18
by 75 percent.
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就提高了百分之七十五。
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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我必須說，我不太贊成這一點。
08:24
My husband and I
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我跟我先生
08:26
have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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身邊有許多朋友離婚分家，
08:29
and then struggle
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然後很辛苦的
08:31
with being our age and single
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在不惑之齡過單身生活，
08:34
in an age of sexting and Viagra
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仰賴威而鋼或是情色電話
08:36
and eHarmony.
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還有網路交友。
08:38
And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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我暗自慶幸擁有這些朋友借鏡，
08:40
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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這比婚姻輔導更有威信力。
08:44
So now you may be wondering,
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現在，你們大概在想，
08:46
why does anyone get married ever?
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為什麼人要結婚?
08:50
Well the U.S. federal government
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關於這點，美國政府
08:53
counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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列出上千條合法益處
08:55
to being someone's spouse --
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保障婚姻關係，
08:57
a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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其中包括合法探監權。
09:00
but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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希望你們不太需要用到這條。
09:02
But beyond the profound federal perks,
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除了這些聯邦特權，
09:06
married people make more money.
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已婚的夫婦有更好的收入，
09:08
We're healthier,
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更健康的身體，
09:10
physically and emotionally.
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更開朗的心胸。
09:13
We produce happier, more stable
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我們能養出更快樂，更穩定
09:15
and more successful kids.
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且更成功的下一代。
09:18
We have more sex
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不管你們相不相信，
09:20
than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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我們比那些單身朋友們
09:22
believe it or not.
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享受更多性愛。
09:24
We even live longer,
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我們甚至活得更久，
09:26
which is a pretty compelling argument
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這是個挺誘人的好處，
09:28
for marrying someone you like a lot
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代價就只是去跟一個
09:30
in the first place.
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你本來就很喜歡的人結婚。
09:33
Now if you're not currently experiencing
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如果你還沒有親身體會過
09:36
the joy of the joint tax return,
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夫妻共同節稅的快感，
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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我也無法教你該如何找到一個
09:42
of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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喜歡做家事，身材適中，臉蛋標緻，
09:45
who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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朋友不多，喜歡恐怖片，
09:47
hovering on the brink of divorce,
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又剛好正要離婚的對象。
09:49
but I can only encourage you to try,
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但我可以鼓勵你去開始尋找，
09:52
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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因為婚姻生活的種種好處，
09:54
are significant.
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是超乎想像的。
09:56
The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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無論已婚未婚，你該了解的是
09:59
I believe marriage is an institution
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結婚就像是合開一間公司，
10:02
worth pursuing and protecting.
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需要雙方去經營與維護。
10:05
So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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我希望你們能善用今天得到的情報
10:07
to weigh your personal strengths
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來幫助你們衡量
10:09
against your own risk factors.
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你們婚姻的優勢與劣勢。
10:11
For instance, in my marriage,
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譬如說，我的婚姻生活
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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目前還算過得去。
10:15
One the one hand,
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我婚姻的劣勢就是，
10:17
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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我有個身材很健美的老公
10:20
and incredibly handsome.
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還很不幸的長得很帥，
10:22
So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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所以顯然我必須加把勁養肥他。
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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而且我們身邊有很多離婚的朋友
10:27
who may secretly or subconsciously
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或許會下意識的
10:29
be trying to break us up.
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導致我們分手。
10:31
So we have to keep an eye on that.
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我們必須留心這點。
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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而且我們享受喝點小酒。
10:37
On the other hand,
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而我的優勢，
10:39
I have the fake happy picture thing.
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就是那些笑得很假的童年相片。
10:41
And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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喔，還有我的老公幫忙做很多家事，
10:44
and would happily never see
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而且在我們有生之年
10:46
another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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都會避免去看那些浪漫愛情片。
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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所以這就是我個人的案例。
10:52
But just in case,
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另外，小心起見，
10:54
I plan to work extra hard
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我真的很努力的
10:56
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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盡量不要贏得奧斯卡獎。
10:59
And for the good of your relationships,
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為了你們好，
11:01
I would encourage you to do the same.
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我建議你們也盡量避免得獎。
11:03
I'll see you at the bar.
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我們等下交誼廳見囉。
11:05
(Applause)
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(掌聲)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - WriterJenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.
Why you should listen
Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com