TED2019
Katie Hood: The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
Kejti Hud (Katie Hood): Razlika između zdrave i nezdrave ljubavi
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U govoru o razumevanju i vežbanju umetnosti zdravih odnosa, Kejti Hud otkriva pet znakova da ste možda u nezdravoj vezi - sa ljubavnim partnerom, prijateljem, članom porodice - i deli sa nama postupke koje možete da upražnjavate svakodnevno kako biste voleli sa uvažavanjem, ljubaznošću i radošću. „Iako je ljubav instinkt i osećanje, sposobnost da volite bolje je veština koju svi možemo da izgradimo i vremenom unapređujemo”, kaže ona.
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionary
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
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Kada pomislite na dete, bliskog prijatelja
ili ljubavnog partnera,
ili ljubavnog partnera,
00:17
the word "love" probably comes to mind,
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verovatno vam reč „ljubav” pada na pamet,
00:20
and instantly other emotions rush in:
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a istog trena naviru i druga osećanja:
00:23
joy and hope,
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radost i nada,
00:25
excitement, trust and security,
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uzbuđenje, poverenje i sigurnost
00:28
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.
sadness and disappointment.
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i, da, ponekad tuga i razočaranje.
00:31
There might not be
a word in the dictionary
a word in the dictionary
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Verovatno ne postoji reč u rečniku
s kojom smo povezaniji od reči ljubav.
00:33
that more of us
are connected to than love.
are connected to than love.
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Ipak, imajući u vidu
njen središnji značaj u našim životima,
njen središnji značaj u našim životima,
00:37
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,
importance in our lives,
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00:39
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?
explicitly taught how to love?
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zar nije zanimljivo da nas nikad
eksplicitno nisu podučavali ljubavi?
eksplicitno nisu podučavali ljubavi?
00:44
We build friendships,
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Gradimo prijateljstva,
00:46
navigate early romantic relationships,
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prolazimo kroz rane romantične odnose,
00:48
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital
home from the hospital
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venčavamo se i donosimo bebe
iz bolnice kući
iz bolnice kući
očekujući da ćemo se snaći.
00:51
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.
that we'll figure it out.
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00:54
But the truth is, we often
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
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Međutim, istina je da često povređujemo
i omalovažavamo one koje volimo.
i omalovažavamo one koje volimo.
Možda se radi o suptilnostima,
00:58
It can be subtle things
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00:59
like guilting a friend
into spending time with you
into spending time with you
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poput nabijanja krivice prijatelju
kako bi se družio s vama
kako bi se družio s vama
01:02
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
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ili virenje u partnerove poruke
01:06
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.
for their lack of effort at school.
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ili posramljivanje deteta
jer se ne trudi dovoljno u školi.
jer se ne trudi dovoljno u školi.
01:10
100 percent of us
will be on the receiving end
will be on the receiving end
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Sto procenata nas ćemo da budemo žrtve
01:12
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
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nezdravih ponašanja u vezi
01:14
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.
will do unhealthy things.
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i 100 procenata nas
će nezdravo da postupa.
će nezdravo da postupa.
01:17
It's part of being human.
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To je deo ljudskosti.
01:20
In its worst form,
the harm we inflict on loved ones
the harm we inflict on loved ones
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U najgorem obliku,
bol koji nanosimo voljenima
bol koji nanosimo voljenima
01:23
shows up as abuse and violence,
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se ispoljava kao zlostavljanje i nasilje,
01:25
and relationship abuse
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a zlostavljanje u vezi
01:27
is something that one in three women
and one in four men
and one in four men
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je nešto što će jedna od tri žene
i jedan od četiri muškarca
i jedan od četiri muškarca
01:30
will experience in their lifetime.
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iskusiti u toku svog života.
01:32
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,
when you hear those stats,
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Sad, ako ste kao većina ljudi
kada čujete ovu statistiku,
kada čujete ovu statistiku,
01:35
you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
that would never happen to me."
that would never happen to me."
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reći ćete: „O ne, ne, ne,
to se meni nikad ne bi desilo.”
to se meni nikad ne bi desilo.”
01:38
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
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Instinktivno se povlačimo
od reči „zlostavljanje” i „nasilje”,
od reči „zlostavljanje” i „nasilje”,
01:41
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.
to someone else somewhere else.
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i mislimo da se dešavaju
nekom drugom negde drugde.
nekom drugom negde drugde.
01:45
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.
and abuse are all around us.
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Međutim, istina je da su nezdrave veze
i zlostavljanje svuda oko nas.
i zlostavljanje svuda oko nas.
01:50
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.
and ignore the connection.
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Prosto ih nazivamo drugim imenom
i ignorišemo sličnosti.
i ignorišemo sličnosti.
01:54
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.
disguised in unhealthy love.
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Zlostavljanje nam se prikrada
prerušeno u nezdravu ljubav.
prerušeno u nezdravu ljubav.
Radim za organizaciju
koja se naziva Jedna ljubav
koja se naziva Jedna ljubav
01:59
I work for an organization called One Love
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02:01
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
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i osnovala ju je porodica čiju je kćerku
Jardli ubio njen bivši momak.
Jardli ubio njen bivši momak.
02:06
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
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Radi se o tragediji
koju niko nije naslućivao,
koju niko nije naslućivao,
02:09
but when they looked back,
they realized the warning signs were there
they realized the warning signs were there
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ali kad se osvrnu unazad, shvataju
da su znaci upozorenja bili svuda,
da su znaci upozorenja bili svuda,
02:13
just no one understood
what they were seeing.
what they were seeing.
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samo što niko nije razumeo
čemu tačno svedoči.
čemu tačno svedoči.
02:16
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,
or too much drinking,
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Nazivani ludošću, dramom ili pijanstvom,
02:19
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,
to be what they really were,
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njegovi postupci nisu shvatani
kao ono što su zaista bili,
kao ono što su zaista bili,
02:23
which was clear signs of danger.
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a radilo se o očitim znakovima opasnosti.
02:25
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,
had been educated about these signs,
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Njena porodica je uvidela da,
da je iko protumačio ove znake,
da je iko protumačio ove znake,
02:29
her death could have been prevented.
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njena smrt je mogla da se spreči.
02:32
So today we're on a mission to make sure
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Zato smo trenutno
na misiji da se postaramo
na misiji da se postaramo
02:34
that others have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
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da drugi imaju informacije
koje Jardli i njeni prijatelji nisu imali.
koje Jardli i njeni prijatelji nisu imali.
02:37
We have three main goals:
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Imamo tri glavna cilja:
02:39
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject
for talking about a subject
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obezbediti jezik za sve nas
da razgovaramo o temi
da razgovaramo o temi
02:42
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;
and uncomfortable to discuss;
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koja je prilično neugodna
i neprijatna za raspravu;
i neprijatna za raspravu;
02:46
empower a whole front line,
namely friends, to help;
namely friends, to help;
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osnažiti celokupne prve redove,
pre svega prijatelje, za pomoć;
pre svega prijatelje, za pomoć;
02:51
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.
all of our ability to love better.
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i, istovremeno, unaprediti
našu sveukupnu sposobnost da bolje volimo.
našu sveukupnu sposobnost da bolje volimo.
02:55
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating
to start by illuminating
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Kako bismo ovo postigli, uvek je važno
započeti osvetljavanjem
započeti osvetljavanjem
02:59
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,
that we frequently miss,
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nezdravih znakova koji nam često promiču,
03:01
and our work really focuses
on creating content
on creating content
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a naš rad se uistinu fokusira
na stvaranje sadržaja
na stvaranje sadržaja
03:04
to start conversations with young people.
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za započinjanje razgovora sa mladima.
Kao što očekujete, naš sadržaj
je uglavnom prilično ozbiljan,
je uglavnom prilično ozbiljan,
03:07
As you'd expect, most of our content
is pretty serious,
is pretty serious,
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03:10
given the subject at hand,
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imajući u vidu temu,
03:11
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted
one of our more light-hearted
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ali danas ću da koristim
jedan nešto rasterećeniji komad,
jedan nešto rasterećeniji komad,
03:14
yet still thought-provoking pieces,
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ali koji ipak tera na razmišljanje,
03:16
"The Couplets,"
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„Kuplet”,
03:17
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.
of unhealthy love.
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kako bih osvetlila
pet znakova nezdrave ljubavi.
pet znakova nezdrave ljubavi.
03:21
The first is intensity.
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Prvi je intenzitet.
03:24
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
in a couple days. I've missed you.
in a couple days. I've missed you.
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(Video) Plavi: Nisam te video
nekoliko dana. Nedostajala si mi.
nekoliko dana. Nedostajala si mi.
Narandžasta: I ti si meni. (#tojeljubav)
03:27
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
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03:29
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.
It feels like a lifetime.
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Plavi: Nisam te video pet minuta.
Čini se kao čitav život.
Čini se kao čitav život.
Šta si radila bez mene čitavih pet minuta?
03:32
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?
without me for five whole minutes?
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Narandžasta: Prošla su
tri minuta. (#tonijeljubav)
tri minuta. (#tonijeljubav)
03:35
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)
(#thatsnotlove)
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03:38
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.
I don't know. I do.
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Kejti Hud: Da li je ovo nekom poznato?
Ne znam. Meni jeste.
Ne znam. Meni jeste.
03:42
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.
don't start out abusive.
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Nasilne veze ne počinju nasilno.
03:44
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
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Počinju uzbudljivo i s ushitom.
03:46
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion, a rush.
of affection and emotion, a rush.
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Imamo intenzivnu privrženost
i emocije, naboj.
i emocije, naboj.
03:49
It feels really good.
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Zaista je dobar osećaj.
03:51
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.
like you've hit the jackpot.
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Srećni ste kao da ste izvukli džekpot.
03:54
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time
these feelings shift over time
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Međutim, kod nezdrave ljubavi,
ova osećanja se menjaju vremenom
ova osećanja se menjaju vremenom
03:57
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
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od uzbuđenja do preopterećenja,
a možda čak i malčice gušenja.
a možda čak i malčice gušenja.
04:02
You feel it in your gut.
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Imate neki predosećaj.
04:04
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend
new boyfriend or girlfriend
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Možda onda kada vaš novi momak ili devojka
kaže „volim te” brže
nego što ste spremni na to
nego što ste spremni na to
04:06
says "I love you"
faster than you were ready for
faster than you were ready for
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04:09
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.
texting and calling a lot.
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ili počne da se pojavljuje svuda,
šalje poruke i stalno vas zove.
šalje poruke i stalno vas zove.
04:13
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,
when you're slow to respond,
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Možda su nestrpljivi
kada ne odgovorite odmah,
kada ne odgovorite odmah,
04:16
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.
you had other things going on that day.
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čak iako znaju da tog dana
imate druge obaveze.
imate druge obaveze.
04:20
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,
how a relationship starts that matters,
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Važno je da upamtite
da nije važno kako veza počinje,
da nije važno kako veza počinje,
važno je kako se razvija.
04:24
it's how it evolves.
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04:25
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship
of a new relationship
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Važno je u ranim danima nove veze
da obratite pažnju na to kako se osećate.
04:28
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
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04:30
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?
with the pace of intimacy?
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Da li vam je prijatan tempo intimnosti?
04:33
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?
and room to breathe?
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Da li osećate da imate
prostora i razmaka da dišete?
prostora i razmaka da dišete?
04:36
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice
to start practicing using your voice
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Takođe je važno da počnete
da vežbate upotrebu sopstvenog glasa
da vežbate upotrebu sopstvenog glasa
04:40
to talk about your own needs.
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da izražavate sopstvene potrebe.
04:42
Are your requests respected?
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Da li se vaši zahtevi uvažavaju?
04:45
A second marker is isolation.
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Drugi znak je izolacija.
04:49
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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(Video) Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?
Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak
znači zabava ja i momak.
znači zabava ja i momak.
04:51
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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04:54
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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Narandžasta 2: Da izađemo?
04:55
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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Narandžasta 1: Ponedeljak
znači zabava ja i momak.
znači zabava ja i momak.
Narandžasta 2: Sutra?
Narandžasta 1: Utorak - samo tempo lak.
Narandžasta 1: Utorak - samo tempo lak.
04:58
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
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Narandžasta 2: Sreda?
Narandžasta 1: Da se družim on mi ne da.
Narandžasta 1: Da se družim on mi ne da.
05:01
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
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05:04
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed
is one of the most frequently missed
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KH: Ako mene pitate, izolacija
je najčešće zanemarivan
je najčešće zanemarivan
05:07
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
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i pogrešno tumačen znak nezdrave ljubavi.
05:10
Why?
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Zašto?
Zato što svaka nova veza
počinje tom snažnom željom
počinje tom snažnom željom
05:11
Because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire
starts out with this intense desire
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da provodite vreme zajedno,
05:14
to spend time together,
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05:16
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
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lako je ne primetiti kad se nešto promeni.
05:19
Isolation creeps in
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
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Izolacija vam se prikrade
kada vaš novi momak ili devojka
kada vaš novi momak ili devojka
05:21
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,
from your friends and family,
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počne da vas odvlači
od vaših prijatelja i porodice,
od vaših prijatelja i porodice,
05:24
your support system,
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vašeg sistema podrške
05:26
and tethering you more tightly to them.
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i počne da vas čvršće vezuje za sebe.
05:29
They might say things like,
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Izgovaraju stvari poput:
05:30
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"
They're such losers"
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„Zašto se družiš s njima?
Oni su totalni gubitnici”
Oni su totalni gubitnici”
o vašim najboljim prijateljima
05:33
about your best friends,
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05:34
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"
They're totally against us"
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ili: „Žele da nas razdvoje.
Potpuno su protiv nas”
Potpuno su protiv nas”
05:37
about your family.
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o vašoj porodici.
05:39
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
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Izolacija je sejanje semena sumnje
05:41
about everyone from
your prerelationship life.
your prerelationship life.
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o svima iz vašeg života pre nove veze.
05:46
Healthy love includes independence,
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Zdrava ljubav uključuje nezavisnost,
05:48
two people who love spending time together
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dvoje ljudi koji vole
da provode vreme zajedno,
da provode vreme zajedno,
05:50
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.
and activities they cared about before.
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ali koji ostaju povezani sa ljudima
i aktivnostima do kojih
im je pre bilo stalo.
im je pre bilo stalo.
05:54
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,
every waking minute together,
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Iako u početku možda provodite
svaki budni trenutak zajedno,
svaki budni trenutak zajedno,
05:57
over time maintaining independence is key.
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vremenom je krucijalno
održavanje nezavisnosti.
održavanje nezavisnosti.
Ovo postižete tako što pravite
planove s prijateljima i držite ih se
planove s prijateljima i držite ih se
06:00
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them
and sticking to them
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06:03
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.
to do the same.
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i podstičete partnera da to isto radi.
06:07
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.
is extreme jealousy.
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Treći pokazatelj nezdrave ljubavi
je preterana ljubomora.
je preterana ljubomora.
06:11
(Video) Blue 2:
What are you so happy about?
What are you so happy about?
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(Video) Plavi 2: Zbog čega
si tako srećan?
si tako srećan?
Plavi 1: Upravo je počela
da me prati na instagramu!
da me prati na instagramu!
06:13
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!
following me on Instagram!
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06:16
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
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Plavi 2: Zbog čega si tako nervozan?
06:18
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.
following me, like, everywhere.
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Plavi 1: Počela je
da me prati, ovaj, svuda.
da me prati, ovaj, svuda.
06:22
(#thatsnotlove)
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(#tonijeljubav)
KH: Kako period medenog meseca
počinje da bledi,
počinje da bledi,
06:26
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,
begins to fade,
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06:28
extreme jealousy can creep in.
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preterana ljubomora može da se prikrade.
06:31
Your partner might become more demanding,
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Vaš partner može da postane zahtevniji,
da želi da zna gde ste
i s kim ste sve vreme
i s kim ste sve vreme
06:33
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,
and who you're with all the time,
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ili može da počne da vas prati svuda,
i na internetu i van njega.
i na internetu i van njega.
06:36
or they might start following you
everywhere, online and off.
everywhere, online and off.
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06:39
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,
possessiveness and mistrust,
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Preterana ljubomora sa sobom nosi
i posesivnost i nepoverenje,
i posesivnost i nepoverenje,
06:43
frequent accusations
of flirting with other people or cheating,
of flirting with other people or cheating,
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česte optužbe za flertovanje
s drugim ljudima ili preljubu,
s drugim ljudima ili preljubu,
06:47
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them
when you tell them
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kao i odbijanje da vas čuju kada im kažete
da nemaju razloga za brigu
i da volite samo njih.
i da volite samo njih.
06:49
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.
and that you only love them.
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06:53
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,
of any human relationship,
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Ljubomora je deo svih ljudskih odnosa,
06:55
but extreme jealousy is different.
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ali preterana ljubomora je drugačija.
06:58
There's a threatening, desperate
and angry edge to it.
and angry edge to it.
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Ima crtu pretnje, očaja i besa.
07:00
Love shouldn't feel like this.
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Ljubav ne bi trebalo da ima takav osećaj.
07:04
A fourth marker is belittling.
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Četvrti pokazatelj je omalovažavanje.
(Video) Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo?
Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
07:06
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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07:09
Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
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Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ pet
jer si odlična. (#tojeljubav)
jer si odlična. (#tojeljubav)
07:12
Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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Plavi: Hoćeš da izađemo?
Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
Narandžasta: Moram da učim.
07:15
Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
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Plavi: Ionako ćeš da dobiješ keca
07:16
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
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jer si glupa. (#tonijeljubav)
07:20
KH: Yeah, hmm.
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KH: Da, hmm.
07:22
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.
words are used as weapons.
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U nezdravoj ljubavi,
reči se koriste kao oružje.
reči se koriste kao oružje.
07:25
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted
fun and lighthearted
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Razgovori koji su nekad bili
zabavni i rasterećeni
zabavni i rasterećeni
07:27
turn mean and embarrassing.
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postaju zlobni i sramotni.
07:29
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,
in a way that hurts,
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Možda vas partner ismeva
na povređujući način,
na povređujući način,
07:32
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.
for laughs at your expense.
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ili, pak, priča priče i viceve
kako bi se smejao na vaš račun.
kako bi se smejao na vaš račun.
07:35
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,
that your feelings have been hurt,
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Kada pokušate da objasnite
da su vam osećanja povređena,
da su vam osećanja povređena,
07:38
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.
and accuse you of overreacting.
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ponizi vas i optuži da preterujete.
07:41
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."
What's your problem. Give me a break."
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„Zašto si tako osetljiva?
Koji je tvoj problem? Pusti me na miru.”
Koji je tvoj problem? Pusti me na miru.”
07:46
You are silenced by these words.
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Ove reči vas ućutkaju.
07:49
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.
but your partner should have your back.
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Čini se očiglednim da bi vaš partner
trebalo da vas podržava.
trebalo da vas podržava.
Njegove reči bi trebalo
da vas podstiču, a ne da vas lome.
da vas podstiču, a ne da vas lome.
07:52
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.
not break you down.
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07:55
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.
your secrets and be loyal.
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Trebalo bi da čuva vaše tajne i bude odan.
Zbog njega bi trebalo da imate
više samopouzdanja, ne manje.
više samopouzdanja, ne manje.
07:57
They should make you feel more confident,
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07:59
not less.
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08:02
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
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Na kraju, peti pokazatelj:
neuravnoteženost.
neuravnoteženost.
08:06
(Video) Orange 1:
I'd be sad if we broke up.
I'd be sad if we broke up.
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(Video) Narandžasta 1:
Rastužio bi me naš raskid.
Rastužio bi me naš raskid.
08:08
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
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Narandžasta 2: I mene. (#tojeljubav)
08:11
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.
if we ever broke up.
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Narandžasta 1: Pala bih u depresiju
kad bismo raskinuli.
kad bismo raskinuli.
08:13
I'd throw myself off this step.
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Bacila bih se sa ovih stepenica.
08:14
I would! Don't try to stop me!
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Bih! Ne pokušavaj da me sprečiš!
08:17
(#thatsnotlove)
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(#tonijeljubav)
08:21
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
high highs and low lows:
high highs and low lows:
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KH: Česti raskidi i pomirenja,
veliki usponi i veliki padovi:
veliki usponi i veliki padovi:
08:24
as tension rises, so does volatility.
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kako tenzije rastu, raste i neravnoteža.
08:28
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,
followed by emotional makeups,
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Uplakane, frustrirajuće svađe
koje prate emotivna pomirenja,
koje prate emotivna pomirenja,
08:32
hateful and hurtful comments like,
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komentari puni mržnje i bola:
08:33
"You're worthless,
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
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„Beskoristan si,
ne znam ni zašto sam s tobom!”
ne znam ni zašto sam s tobom!”
08:36
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.
and promises it will never happen again.
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koje odmah prate izvinjenja
i obećanja da se neće ponoviti.
i obećanja da se neće ponoviti.
08:41
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship roller coaster
to this relationship roller coaster
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Do ovog trenutka, toliko ste navikli
na emotivnu vrtešku ove veze
na emotivnu vrtešku ove veze
08:45
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous
and maybe even dangerous
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da možda ni ne uviđate koliko je nezdrava,
a možda čak i opasna
a možda čak i opasna
08:48
your relationship has become.
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vaša veza postala.
08:51
It can be really hard to see
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Ponekad je zaista teško uvideti
08:53
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
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kada nezdrava ljubav pređe u nasilje,
ali slobodno možemo reći
da što više sličnih pokazatelja
da što više sličnih pokazatelja
08:56
but it's fair to say
that the more of these markers
that the more of these markers
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08:58
your relationship might have,
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vaša veza možda ima,
08:59
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.
your relationship could be.
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to nezdravija i možda opasnija
vaša veza može da bude.
vaša veza može da bude.
A ako je vaš instinkt
da raskinete i odete,
da raskinete i odete,
09:03
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,
to break up and leave,
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što je savet koji mnogi od nas
daju prijateljima
daju prijateljima
09:05
which is advice
so many of us give our friends
so many of us give our friends
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kada su u nezdravoj vezi,
09:07
when they're in unhealthy relationships,
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to nije uvek najbolji savet.
09:09
that's not always the best advice.
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09:11
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.
a real trigger for violence.
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Period raskida može da bude
istinski okidač za nasilje.
istinski okidač za nasilje.
09:14
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
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Ako strahujete da se krećete
ka nasilju ili trpite nasilje,
ka nasilju ili trpite nasilje,
09:17
you need to consult with experts
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
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morate da konsultujete stručnjake
radi saveta kako da bezbedno odete.
radi saveta kako da bezbedno odete.
09:23
But it's not just
about romantic relationships
about romantic relationships
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Međutim, ne radi se samo
o romantičnim vezama
o romantičnim vezama
09:25
and it's not just about violence.
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i ne radi se samo o nasilju.
09:27
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
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Razumevanje znakova nezdrave ljubavi
09:29
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.
nearly every relationship in your life.
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vam može pomoći da sagledate i razumete
skoro sve veze u vašem životu.
skoro sve veze u vašem životu.
09:34
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship
why you're disappointed in a friendship
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Možda prvi put shvatite
zašto ste razočarani u prijateljstvo
zašto ste razočarani u prijateljstvo
ili zašto ste zbog svakog susreta
sa određenim članom porodice
sa određenim članom porodice
09:38
or why every interaction
with a certain family member
with a certain family member
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09:41
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
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obeshrabreni i anksiozni.
Možda počnete i da uviđate
kako vaš sopstveni temperament i ljubomora
kako vaš sopstveni temperament i ljubomora
09:44
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy
how your own intensity and jealousy
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09:47
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.
with colleagues at work.
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uzrokuju probleme sa kolegama na poslu.
09:51
Understanding is
the first step to improving,
the first step to improving,
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Razumevanje je prvi korak ka napretku,
09:54
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
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i, iako ne možete svaku nezdravu vezu
da pretvorite u zdravu -
da pretvorite u zdravu -
09:57
some you're going
to have to leave behind --
to have to leave behind --
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neke ćete morati da ostavite za sobom -
09:59
you can do your part every day
to do relationships better.
to do relationships better.
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možete svakodnevno da se trudite
sa svoje strane da budete bolji u vezi.
sa svoje strane da budete bolji u vezi.
10:04
And here's the exciting news:
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A ovo su uzbudljive vesti:
10:05
it's actually not rocket science.
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zapravo se ne radi o kvantnoj fizici.
10:08
Open communication, mutual respect,
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Otvoreni razgovori, međusobno uvažavanje,
10:11
kindness, patience --
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ljubaznost, strpljenje -
10:13
we can practice these things every day.
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svakodnevno možemo sve ovo da vežbamo.
10:16
And while practice
will definitely make you better,
will definitely make you better,
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A, iako ćete zbog vežbanja
definitivno postati bolji,
definitivno postati bolji,
10:19
I have to promise you
it's also not going to make you perfect.
it's also not going to make you perfect.
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moram da vam obećam
da takođe nećete postati savršeni.
da takođe nećete postati savršeni.
10:23
I do this for a living
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Ovo je moj posao
10:24
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,
about healthy relationships,
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i svakog dana razmišljam i govorim
o zdravim vezama,
o zdravim vezama,
10:27
and still I do unhealthy things.
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pa, ipak, i dalje nezdravo postupam.
Pre neki dan, dok sam pokušavala
da izguram moje četvoro dece preko vrata
da izguram moje četvoro dece preko vrata
10:30
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door
to shuttle my four kids out the door
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10:33
amidst quarreling, squabbling
and complaints about breakfast,
and complaints about breakfast,
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dok su se svađali, prepirali
i žalili na doručak,
i žalili na doručak,
10:36
I completely lost it.
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potpuno sam izgubila strpljenje.
10:38
With an intentionally angry edge,
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Sa namernom dozom besa,
10:40
I screamed,
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zavrištala sam:
10:42
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
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„Svi ućutite i uradite kako vam kažem!
10:44
You are the worst!
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Najgori ste!
10:46
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert
screen time and dessert
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Oduzeću vam vreme
pred ekranima i slatkiše,
pred ekranima i slatkiše,
10:48
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"
ever enjoy in life!"
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kao i sve do čega vam je
bar malo stalo u životu!”
bar malo stalo u životu!”
10:51
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
10:53
Anybody been there?
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Zvuči li vam poznato?
10:54
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
10:57
Volatility, belittling.
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Neuravnoteženost, omalovažavanje.
11:01
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,
and looked at me, and said,
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Moj najstariji sin se okrenuo,
pogledao me je i rekao:
pogledao me je i rekao:
11:04
"Mom, that's not love."
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„Mama, to nije ljubav.”
11:06
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
11:09
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.
to kill him for calling me out.
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Na trenutak sam zaista želela
da ga ubijem jer me je prozvao.
da ga ubijem jer me je prozvao.
11:12
Trust me.
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Verujte mi.
11:13
But then I gathered myself
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Međutim, onda sam se sabrala
11:15
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.
I'm actually proud.
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i pomislila, znate šta,
zapravo sam ponosna.
zapravo sam ponosna.
11:18
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.
to make me pause.
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Ponosna sam što je ovladao rečima
tako da me natera da zastanem.
tako da me natera da zastanem.
Želim da sva moja deca razumeju
gde bi trebalo da je granica
gde bi trebalo da je granica
11:22
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be
what the bar should be
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11:25
for how they're treated
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za to kako se ophode prema njima
11:26
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met
to use when that bar is not met
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i da imaju reči i glas koje će da koriste
kad se granica prekorači
kad se granica prekorači
11:29
versus just accepting it.
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umesto da to prosto prihvate.
11:33
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,
relationships as a soft topic,
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Suviše dugo smo se odnosili
prema vezama kao drugorazrednoj temi,
prema vezama kao drugorazrednoj temi,
11:38
when relationship skills
are one of the most important
are one of the most important
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iako su veštine stvaranja veza
među najvažnijim
među najvažnijim
11:41
and hard to build things in life.
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i najtežim za izgradnju u životu.
11:43
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
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Ne samo da vam razumevanje
nezdravih znakova
nezdravih znakova
11:46
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,
that leads to unhealthy love,
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može da pomogne da izbegnete
prečicu do nezdrave ljubavi,
prečicu do nezdrave ljubavi,
11:49
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy
the art of being healthy
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već vam razumevanje i vežbanje
umetnosti zdravog odnosa
umetnosti zdravog odnosa
11:52
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.
every aspect of your life.
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može da popravi skoro sve apekte života.
11:56
I'm completely convinced
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Potpuno sam ubeđena
11:58
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,
an instinct and an emotion,
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da, iako je ljubav instinkt i osećanje,
12:01
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build
is a skill we can all build
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sposobnost da volimo bolje
je veština koju svi možemo da izgradimo
je veština koju svi možemo da izgradimo
12:04
and improve on over time.
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i vremenom unapređujemo.
12:06
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
12:07
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionaryBy educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation.
Why you should listen
As CEO of the One Love Foundation, Katie believes that healthy relationship education is a "simple but shockingly nontraditional solution that can impact millions and drive meaningful change. The problem is hard, but the impact of a scalable prevention approach that talks to young people in a language they can hear at the earliest stages of their dating lives could be massive."
Katie Hood | Speaker | TED.com