TED2019
Katie Hood: The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
凯蒂·胡德: 健康和不健康的爱的区别
Filmed:
Readability: 3.9
4,794,911 views
在一场关于理解和实践健康关系艺术的谈话中，凯蒂·胡德（Katie Hood）揭示了你可能正处于与恋人、朋友、家人一段不健康关系中的五个迹象，并且分享了你每天可以做的事情。她说：”虽然爱是一种本能和情感，但更好地去爱的能力是一种我们都可以培养和提高的技能。“
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionary
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
0
625
4684
当你想到一个小孩子、
一位密友或者伴侣时，
一位密友或者伴侣时，
脑海中很可能会跳出“爱”这个词，
00:17
the word "love" probably comes to mind,
1
5333
2893
然后其它的情绪也会立马出现：
00:20
and instantly other emotions rush in:
2
8250
3143
比如欢乐和希望，
00:23
joy and hope,
3
11417
1601
兴奋、信任以及安全感，
00:25
excitement, trust and security,
4
13042
3559
并且有时还会有悲伤和失望。
00:28
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.
sadness and disappointment.
5
16625
3059
字典里可能没有一个词
00:31
There might not be
a word in the dictionary
a word in the dictionary
6
19708
2060
比爱更能说明
人与人之间的紧密联系了。
人与人之间的紧密联系了。
00:33
that more of us
are connected to than love.
are connected to than love.
7
21792
2041
00:37
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,
importance in our lives,
8
25292
2601
考虑到它在我们生活中的核心地位，
有意思的是，我们竟然
从来没有被明确地教过如何去爱。
从来没有被明确地教过如何去爱。
00:39
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?
explicitly taught how to love?
9
27917
3500
00:44
We build friendships,
10
32458
1685
我们从交朋友开始，
然后确定恋爱关系，
00:46
navigate early romantic relationships,
11
34167
2476
最后结婚生子，
将小孩从医院带回家。
将小孩从医院带回家。
00:48
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital
home from the hospital
12
36667
2434
对这一切都是怀着能顺利搞定的期望。
00:51
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.
that we'll figure it out.
13
39125
2167
00:54
But the truth is, we often
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
14
42625
3851
但事实却是，
我们经常伤害或不尊重所爱之人。
我们经常伤害或不尊重所爱之人。
可能是一些很小的事情，
00:58
It can be subtle things
15
46500
1309
比如说让朋友感到内疚
然后花时间陪你，
然后花时间陪你，
00:59
like guilting a friend
into spending time with you
into spending time with you
16
47833
2851
或者偷看伴侣的短信，
01:02
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
17
50708
3268
以及因为孩子在学校
不够努力而羞辱他。
不够努力而羞辱他。
01:06
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.
for their lack of effort at school.
18
54000
2583
01:10
100 percent of us
will be on the receiving end
will be on the receiving end
19
58000
2184
我们百分之百会接收到
不健康关系的行为，
01:12
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
20
60208
2310
并且我们也百分之百会
做一些不健康的事。
做一些不健康的事。
01:14
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.
will do unhealthy things.
21
62542
3309
这是人性的一部分。
01:17
It's part of being human.
22
65875
1458
01:20
In its worst form,
the harm we inflict on loved ones
the harm we inflict on loved ones
23
68833
2518
最糟糕的情况是，我们跟
所爱之人的冲突所导致的伤害
所爱之人的冲突所导致的伤害
会演变成辱骂和暴力，
01:23
shows up as abuse and violence,
24
71375
1934
而家暴，
01:25
and relationship abuse
25
73333
1726
是三分之一的女性
和四分之一的男性
和四分之一的男性
01:27
is something that one in three women
and one in four men
and one in four men
26
75083
2893
一生中都会经历的。
01:30
will experience in their lifetime.
27
78000
1708
01:32
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,
when you hear those stats,
28
80625
2809
如果你跟大多数人一样，
听到上述情况时，
听到上述情况时，
你会说“哦，不不不，这永远
不会发生在我身上。”
不会发生在我身上。”
01:35
you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
that would never happen to me."
that would never happen to me."
29
83458
2810
我们会出于本能地逃避
“虐待”和“暴力”这些字眼，
“虐待”和“暴力”这些字眼，
01:38
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
30
86292
3434
觉得它们只会发生在
其他地方的其它人身上。
其他地方的其它人身上。
01:41
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.
to someone else somewhere else.
31
89750
3851
但事实是，不健康的关系
以及虐待就在我们身边。
以及虐待就在我们身边。
01:45
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.
and abuse are all around us.
32
93625
4351
我们只是将它们换了个说法
并忽略了它们之间的联系。
并忽略了它们之间的联系。
01:50
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.
and ignore the connection.
33
98000
2875
01:54
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.
disguised in unhealthy love.
34
102042
3250
虐待伪装成了不健康的爱
偷偷地发生在我们身上。
偷偷地发生在我们身上。
01:59
I work for an organization called One Love
35
107708
2060
我在一个叫做“唯爱"的组织工作，
它由一个家庭成立，这个家庭
的女儿亚德利被前男友杀害。
的女儿亚德利被前男友杀害。
02:01
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
36
109792
3791
02:06
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
37
114833
3018
这是一个没有人可以预见到的悲剧，
但是回过头来看，他们意识到
之前就存在蛛丝马迹，
之前就存在蛛丝马迹，
02:09
but when they looked back,
they realized the warning signs were there
they realized the warning signs were there
38
117875
3268
只是当时没人看出来。
02:13
just no one understood
what they were seeing.
what they were seeing.
39
121167
2125
02:16
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,
or too much drinking,
40
124042
3767
这些被称为疯狂或者
戏剧或酗酒的行为，
戏剧或酗酒的行为，
他行为的真正含义
并没有真的被理解，
并没有真的被理解，
02:19
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,
to be what they really were,
41
127833
3143
而这些都是非常清晰的危险信号。
02:23
which was clear signs of danger.
42
131000
2000
02:25
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,
had been educated about these signs,
43
133917
3809
她的家人意识到，
如果之前有人被教育过
如果之前有人被教育过
如何识别这些信号，
她的死亡是可以避免的。
她的死亡是可以避免的。
02:29
her death could have been prevented.
44
137750
1750
02:32
So today we're on a mission to make sure
45
140625
1934
所以今天我们的任务是确保
其他人都能获得亚德利和她朋友
之前不了解的信息。
之前不了解的信息。
02:34
that others have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
46
142583
3286
我们有三个主要的目标：
02:37
We have three main goals:
47
145893
1750
给予我们一种语言去谈论
02:39
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject
for talking about a subject
48
147667
3267
一个非常尴尬并且
会引起不适的话题；
会引起不适的话题；
02:42
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;
and uncomfortable to discuss;
49
150958
3393
给朋友权力去帮助你；
02:46
empower a whole front line,
namely friends, to help;
namely friends, to help;
50
154375
4851
并在这个过程中，提高我们爱的能力。
02:51
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.
all of our ability to love better.
51
159250
3083
02:55
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating
to start by illuminating
52
163875
3268
为了做到这些，
很重要的一点是从阐明
很重要的一点是从阐明
那些我们经常会错过的
不健康信号开始，
不健康信号开始，
02:59
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,
that we frequently miss,
53
167167
2726
而我们的工作就是
专注于创造内容，
专注于创造内容，
03:01
and our work really focuses
on creating content
on creating content
54
169917
2476
来和年轻人对话。
03:04
to start conversations with young people.
55
172417
2250
03:07
As you'd expect, most of our content
is pretty serious,
is pretty serious,
56
175375
2643
正如你所料，这个主题的
大多数谈话内容都非常严肃，
大多数谈话内容都非常严肃，
鉴于目前的主题，
03:10
given the subject at hand,
57
178042
1851
但今天我打算用一种轻松愉快，
03:11
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted
one of our more light-hearted
58
179917
2642
同时也是发人深思的方式，
03:14
yet still thought-provoking pieces,
59
182583
1810
即“对偶”，
03:16
"The Couplets,"
60
184417
1309
来阐明不健康的爱的五种标志。
03:17
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.
of unhealthy love.
61
185750
2625
03:21
The first is intensity.
62
189375
2976
第一个是紧张。
（视频）蓝：几天不见，非常想你。
03:24
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
in a couple days. I've missed you.
in a couple days. I've missed you.
63
192375
3184
橘：我也想你。（#这是爱）
03:27
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
64
195583
1953
蓝：五分钟不见，
感觉像一生那么漫长。
感觉像一生那么漫长。
03:29
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.
It feels like a lifetime.
65
197560
3166
我不在的这五分钟里你做了什么呢？
03:32
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?
without me for five whole minutes?
66
200750
2809
橘：才三分钟好吧。
（#这不是爱）
（#这不是爱）
03:35
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)
(#thatsnotlove)
67
203583
2435
凯蒂·胡德：有人意识到了吗？
03:38
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.
I don't know. I do.
68
206042
2583
03:42
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.
don't start out abusive.
69
210000
2184
虐待关系并不是从虐待开始的。
它们是从激动和兴奋开始的。
03:44
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
70
212208
1976
这是一种强烈的
情感和情绪，一种冲动。
情感和情绪，一种冲动。
03:46
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion, a rush.
of affection and emotion, a rush.
71
214208
3310
感觉非常美好。
03:49
It feels really good.
72
217542
1684
你觉得自己如此的幸运，
像中了大奖。
像中了大奖。
03:51
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.
like you've hit the jackpot.
73
219250
2417
03:54
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time
these feelings shift over time
74
222750
3184
但在不健康的爱中，这些感觉
会随着时间的推移而改变，
会随着时间的推移而改变，
从兴奋到压仰，
甚至可能还有点窒息。
甚至可能还有点窒息。
03:57
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
75
225958
4292
04:02
You feel it in your gut.
76
230875
1726
你的直觉能感受到。
这可能是你新交的
男朋友或女朋友，
男朋友或女朋友，
04:04
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend
new boyfriend or girlfriend
77
232625
2268
在你没准备好时就说“我爱你”，
04:06
says "I love you"
faster than you were ready for
faster than you were ready for
78
234917
2267
或开始无处不在，
不停发信息、打电话给你时。
不停发信息、打电话给你时。
04:09
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.
texting and calling a lot.
79
237208
3542
04:13
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,
when you're slow to respond,
80
241667
3142
也可能是他们对你的
不及时回复感到不耐烦，
不及时回复感到不耐烦，
尽管他们也知道
你还有其它的事情要做时。
你还有其它的事情要做时。
04:16
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.
you had other things going on that day.
81
244833
2875
04:20
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,
how a relationship starts that matters,
82
248583
3810
重点是记住：
一段感情如何开始不重要，
一段感情如何开始不重要，
重要的是如何发展。
04:24
it's how it evolves.
83
252417
1517
重要的是，
在一段新关系的早期，
在一段新关系的早期，
04:25
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship
of a new relationship
84
253958
2559
我们应该关注自己的情绪。
04:28
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
85
256541
2018
你对这种亲近的速度感到舒适吗？
04:30
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?
with the pace of intimacy?
86
258583
2601
你觉得自己还有喘息的空间吗？
04:33
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?
and room to breathe?
87
261208
2584
04:36
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice
to start practicing using your voice
88
264792
3726
同样重要的是，
学会表达自己的需求。
04:40
to talk about your own needs.
89
268542
1851
你的请求被尊重了吗？
04:42
Are your requests respected?
90
270417
1916
04:45
A second marker is isolation.
91
273833
3435
第二个标志是孤立。
（视频）橘2：一起出去玩吧？
04:49
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
92
277292
1726
橘1：星期一是我和
男朋友约会的日子。
男朋友约会的日子。
04:51
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
93
279042
2666
04:54
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
94
282375
1309
橘2：一起出去玩吧？
橘1：星期一是我和
男朋友约会的日子。
男朋友约会的日子。
04:55
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
95
283708
2643
橘2：那明天呢？
橘1：星期二是我们的打盹日。
橘1：星期二是我们的打盹日。
04:58
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
96
286375
2726
橘2：那星期三？
橘1：那是我们的独处日。
橘1：那是我们的独处日。
05:01
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
97
289125
2167
05:04
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed
is one of the most frequently missed
98
292792
3059
凯蒂：如果你问我，我会说孤立是
最常被忽视和误解的
不健康爱的信号之一。
不健康爱的信号之一。
05:07
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
99
295875
2351
为什么这么说呢？
05:10
Why?
100
298250
1268
因为每一段新感情总是从强烈想要
05:11
Because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire
starts out with this intense desire
101
299542
3142
花时间待在一起开始的，
05:14
to spend time together,
102
302708
1351
我们很容易忽视事物的变化。
05:16
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
103
304083
2935
孤立就悄然发生在
当你的新男朋友或女朋友
当你的新男朋友或女朋友
05:19
Isolation creeps in
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
104
307042
2726
开始拉着你脱离你的家人和朋友，
05:21
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,
from your friends and family,
105
309792
2851
你的支撑体系，
05:24
your support system,
106
312667
1559
并将你牢牢地拴在身边时。
05:26
and tethering you more tightly to them.
107
314250
2000
05:29
They might say things like,
108
317375
1434
他们可能会这样说，
“为什么要跟他们出去玩？
他们只是一群失败者。”
他们只是一群失败者。”
05:30
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"
They're such losers"
109
318833
2476
他指的是你最好的朋友。
05:33
about your best friends,
110
321333
1268
或者“他们想拆散我们，
他们完全反对我们。”
他们完全反对我们。”
05:34
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"
They're totally against us"
111
322625
2851
他指的是你的家人。
05:37
about your family.
112
325500
1809
孤立就是在你的前感情生活中
05:39
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
113
327333
2601
对每个人播下怀疑的种子。
05:41
about everyone from
your prerelationship life.
your prerelationship life.
114
329958
2875
05:46
Healthy love includes independence,
115
334125
2059
健康的爱也包括独立，
两个人喜欢花时间在一起，
05:48
two people who love spending time together
116
336208
2476
但也会继续跟之前关心
的人和活动保持联系。
的人和活动保持联系。
05:50
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.
and activities they cared about before.
117
338708
4226
刚开始的时候你们可能
每分每秒都在一起，
每分每秒都在一起，
05:54
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,
every waking minute together,
118
342958
2893
但随着时间的推移，
保持独立成了关键。
保持独立成了关键。
05:57
over time maintaining independence is key.
119
345875
2851
你可以和朋友们
一起规划并坚持执行，
一起规划并坚持执行，
06:00
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them
and sticking to them
120
348750
3143
并且鼓励你的伴侣也这样做。
06:03
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.
to do the same.
121
351917
2416
06:07
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.
is extreme jealousy.
122
355833
3042
不健康的爱的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。
06:11
(Video) Blue 2:
What are you so happy about?
What are you so happy about?
123
359750
2101
（视频）蓝2:你为什么这么高兴？
蓝1：她在Instagram上关注了我！
06:13
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!
following me on Instagram!
124
361875
2934
蓝2：你为什么这么紧张？
06:16
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
125
364833
1851
蓝1:她，她开始关注我了，
像是，无处不在。
像是，无处不在。
06:18
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.
following me, like, everywhere.
126
366708
4226
（#这不是爱）
06:22
(#thatsnotlove)
127
370958
1917
06:26
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,
begins to fade,
128
374458
2060
凯蒂：随着蜜月期的消退，
极度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。
06:28
extreme jealousy can creep in.
129
376542
1833
06:31
Your partner might become more demanding,
130
379333
1976
你的伴侣的要求可能会越来越多，
随时想要知道
你在哪以及和谁在一起，
你在哪以及和谁在一起，
06:33
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,
and who you're with all the time,
131
381333
2976
或他们可能到处跟踪你，
线上以及线下。
线上以及线下。
06:36
or they might start following you
everywhere, online and off.
everywhere, online and off.
132
384333
3185
极度的嫉妒还会导致
占有欲和不信任，
占有欲和不信任，
06:39
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,
possessiveness and mistrust,
133
387542
4267
频繁指责对方跟他人调情或不忠，
06:43
frequent accusations
of flirting with other people or cheating,
of flirting with other people or cheating,
134
391833
3268
06:47
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them
when you tell them
135
395125
2226
并且会拒绝听你跟他们说，
没有什么好担心的，
你只爱他们这些话。
你只爱他们这些话。
06:49
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.
and that you only love them.
136
397375
2875
06:53
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,
of any human relationship,
137
401083
2726
嫉妒是人类感情中的一部分，
但是极度嫉妒就不同了。
06:55
but extreme jealousy is different.
138
403833
2185
它处于威胁、绝望和愤怒的边缘。
06:58
There's a threatening, desperate
and angry edge to it.
and angry edge to it.
139
406042
2767
爱不应当如此。
07:00
Love shouldn't feel like this.
140
408833
2125
07:04
A fourth marker is belittling.
141
412333
2560
第四个标志是轻视。
（视频）蓝：想出去玩吗？
橘：我要学习。
橘：我要学习。
07:06
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
142
414917
2559
蓝：你肯定能得优，
优秀的优。（这是爱）
优秀的优。（这是爱）
07:09
Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
143
417500
2917
07:12
Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
144
420875
2434
蓝：想出去玩吗？
橘：我要学习。
橘：我要学习。
蓝：你肯定不及格，
07:15
Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
145
423333
1435
你就是个傻子。
（#这不是爱）
（#这不是爱）
07:16
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
146
424792
3166
07:20
KH: Yeah, hmm.
147
428667
1767
凯蒂：是的，嗯。
在不健康的爱中，
语言被当作武器。
语言被当作武器。
07:22
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.
words are used as weapons.
148
430458
2560
本来应该是轻松愉快的谈话
07:25
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted
fun and lighthearted
149
433042
2351
会变得尖酸刻薄和尴尬。
07:27
turn mean and embarrassing.
150
435417
1809
也许你的伴侣是用一种
伤人的方式开玩笑，
伤人的方式开玩笑，
07:29
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,
in a way that hurts,
151
437250
3018
或者通过讲故事
和取笑你，拿你开涮，
和取笑你，拿你开涮，
07:32
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.
for laughs at your expense.
152
440292
3476
当你告诉他们你感觉到受伤时，
07:35
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,
that your feelings have been hurt,
153
443792
2726
他们会让你闭嘴
并指责你反应过度。
并指责你反应过度。
07:38
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.
and accuse you of overreacting.
154
446542
3392
“你怎么这么敏感？
有毛病吧，别逗了！”
有毛病吧，别逗了！”
07:41
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."
What's your problem. Give me a break."
155
449958
3792
07:46
You are silenced by these words.
156
454417
1958
这些话使你哑口无言。
07:49
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.
but your partner should have your back.
157
457417
3392
事情很明显，
你的伴侣应该支持你。
你的伴侣应该支持你。
他们的话语应该增强你的信心，
而不是打压你。
而不是打压你。
07:52
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.
not break you down.
158
460833
2643
他们应该保守你的秘密并且忠于你。
07:55
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.
your secrets and be loyal.
159
463500
2393
他们应该让你感觉到更多的信心，
07:57
They should make you feel more confident,
160
465917
1976
而不是自卑。
07:59
not less.
161
467917
1291
08:02
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
162
470250
2958
最后，第五个标志：易变。
08:06
(Video) Orange 1:
I'd be sad if we broke up.
I'd be sad if we broke up.
163
474042
2101
（视频）橘1：如果分手我会很难过。
橘2：我也会很难过。（#这是爱）
08:08
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
164
476167
1833
08:11
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.
if we ever broke up.
165
479042
2226
橘1：如果我们分手了我会很郁闷。
我会从这个台阶上跳下去。
08:13
I'd throw myself off this step.
166
481292
1517
我会的！不要试着去阻止我！
08:14
I would! Don't try to stop me!
167
482833
2560
（#这不是爱）
08:17
(#thatsnotlove)
168
485417
1250
08:21
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
high highs and low lows:
high highs and low lows:
169
489167
3726
凯蒂：经常性的分分合合，
情感大起大落：
情感大起大落：
随着紧张程度的上升，
易变性也增加。
易变性也增加。
08:24
as tension rises, so does volatility.
170
492917
2375
08:28
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,
followed by emotional makeups,
171
496458
3560
泪流满面，沮丧的争吵，
随之而来的是情感上的伪装，
随之而来的是情感上的伪装，
充满仇恨和伤害的评论，比如，
08:32
hateful and hurtful comments like,
172
500042
1642
“你一文不值，我都不知道
为什么跟你在一起！”
为什么跟你在一起！”
08:33
"You're worthless,
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
173
501708
2643
然后很快是道歉
并保证不再发生这样的事。
并保证不再发生这样的事。
08:36
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.
and promises it will never happen again.
174
504375
4809
到此为止，你已经习惯了
这种过山车似的关系，
这种过山车似的关系，
08:41
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship roller coaster
to this relationship roller coaster
175
509208
3810
你可能都没有意识到
08:45
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous
and maybe even dangerous
176
513042
3016
你的这段感情已经开始朝
不健康和危险的趋势发展。
不健康和危险的趋势发展。
08:48
your relationship has become.
177
516082
1585
08:51
It can be really hard to see
178
519542
1476
我们可能很难识别
不健康的爱和虐待之间的界限，
08:53
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
179
521042
2934
但是公平地说，
当越来越多的迹象
当越来越多的迹象
08:56
but it's fair to say
that the more of these markers
that the more of these markers
180
524000
2434
开始出现在你的这段关系中时，
08:58
your relationship might have,
181
526458
1435
你的这段关系不健康
或者危险的概率就会越大。
或者危险的概率就会越大。
08:59
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.
your relationship could be.
182
527917
3476
如果你的直觉告诉你该分手离开，
09:03
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,
to break up and leave,
183
531417
2184
这也是当我们的朋友
陷入到不健康的关系时，
陷入到不健康的关系时，
09:05
which is advice
so many of us give our friends
so many of us give our friends
184
533625
2184
我们经常给他们的建议，
09:07
when they're in unhealthy relationships,
185
535833
1935
但这并不总是最好的选择。
09:09
that's not always the best advice.
186
537792
1934
分手也有可能会引起暴力。
09:11
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.
a real trigger for violence.
187
539750
2601
如果你感到可能
被虐待或已经被虐待，
被虐待或已经被虐待，
09:14
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
188
542375
3268
你就需要就如何安全地离开
这段感情咨询专家的建议。
这段感情咨询专家的建议。
09:17
you need to consult with experts
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
189
545667
4041
09:23
But it's not just
about romantic relationships
about romantic relationships
190
551042
2392
这些不仅仅跟浪漫的恋情有关，
也不仅仅关于暴力。
09:25
and it's not just about violence.
191
553458
2185
理解了不健康爱的信号
09:27
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
192
555667
2267
能帮助你审视和理解
生活中几乎所有的关系。
生活中几乎所有的关系。
09:29
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.
nearly every relationship in your life.
193
557958
3750
09:34
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship
why you're disappointed in a friendship
194
562625
3851
你可能第一次明白
为什么会对一段友谊失望，
为什么会对一段友谊失望，
或者为什么每次跟某个家庭成员互动，
09:38
or why every interaction
with a certain family member
with a certain family member
195
566500
2726
都让你感到气馁和焦虑。
09:41
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
196
569250
3268
你甚至可能开始注意到
你的紧张和嫉妒
你的紧张和嫉妒
09:44
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy
how your own intensity and jealousy
197
572542
3017
是如何使你在工作中
与同事发生矛盾的。
与同事发生矛盾的。
09:47
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.
with colleagues at work.
198
575583
2250
09:51
Understanding is
the first step to improving,
the first step to improving,
199
579208
3268
理解是提升的第一步，
你不可能使每一段不健康
的关系变得健康——
的关系变得健康——
09:54
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
200
582500
3059
有些是你不得不放下的——
09:57
some you're going
to have to leave behind --
to have to leave behind --
201
585583
2101
但你可以每天做好自己
的部分从而让关系变好。
的部分从而让关系变好。
09:59
you can do your part every day
to do relationships better.
to do relationships better.
202
587708
3750
10:04
And here's the exciting news:
203
592250
1643
令人振奋的消息是：
它并不是件多复杂的事。
10:05
it's actually not rocket science.
204
593917
2309
坦诚沟通、相互尊重，
10:08
Open communication, mutual respect,
205
596250
2726
友善、耐心——
10:11
kindness, patience --
206
599000
2226
这些东西我们每天都可以练习。
10:13
we can practice these things every day.
207
601250
2417
10:16
And while practice
will definitely make you better,
will definitely make you better,
208
604875
2726
练习一定会让你变得更好，
但我不得不承认，
它不会让你变得完美。
它不会让你变得完美。
10:19
I have to promise you
it's also not going to make you perfect.
it's also not going to make you perfect.
209
607625
3768
我以此为生，
10:23
I do this for a living
210
611417
1351
每天都在思考和谈论健康的感情，
10:24
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,
about healthy relationships,
211
612792
2809
但我还是会做不健康的事情。
10:27
and still I do unhealthy things.
212
615625
2601
就在几天前我还想把
我四个孩子赶出门，
我四个孩子赶出门，
10:30
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door
to shuttle my four kids out the door
213
618250
3393
他们争吵、哭闹，
并抱怨早餐不好吃，
并抱怨早餐不好吃，
10:33
amidst quarreling, squabbling
and complaints about breakfast,
and complaints about breakfast,
214
621667
2976
我完全崩溃了。
10:36
I completely lost it.
215
624667
2101
下意识地带着愤怒的锋芒，
10:38
With an intentionally angry edge,
216
626792
2142
我大喊道，
10:40
I screamed,
217
628958
1310
“都给我闭嘴，照我说的做！
10:42
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
218
630292
2267
你们糟糕透了！
10:44
You are the worst!
219
632583
1560
我要剥夺你们使用
电子产品的时间和甜点
电子产品的时间和甜点
10:46
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert
screen time and dessert
220
634167
2226
以及其它任何能让
你们享受生活的东西！”
你们享受生活的东西！”
10:48
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"
ever enjoy in life!"
221
636417
3184
（笑声）
10:51
(Laughter)
222
639625
1476
有人那样做过吗？
10:53
Anybody been there?
223
641125
1309
（掌声）
10:54
(Applause)
224
642458
3393
易变、轻视。
10:57
Volatility, belittling.
225
645875
2625
11:01
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,
and looked at me, and said,
226
649417
2934
我的大儿子转过身看着我，说道，
“老妈，这不是爱。”
11:04
"Mom, that's not love."
227
652375
1601
（笑声）
11:06
(Laughter)
228
654000
3351
有那么一分钟，
因为他的叫板我真想宰了他。
因为他的叫板我真想宰了他。
11:09
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.
to kill him for calling me out.
229
657375
2893
真的，相信我。
11:12
Trust me.
230
660292
1517
但是之后我冷静下来
11:13
But then I gathered myself
231
661833
1518
开始思考，你知道吗，
我其实觉得很骄傲。
我其实觉得很骄傲。
11:15
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.
I'm actually proud.
232
663375
3059
我骄傲于他有一种
使我暂停愤怒的语言。
使我暂停愤怒的语言。
11:18
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.
to make me pause.
233
666458
3334
11:22
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be
what the bar should be
234
670511
2715
我想要我所有的小孩都明白
别人对待他们的边界在哪，
11:25
for how they're treated
235
673250
1434
并且当别人越过这个边界时，
他们应该提出来
他们应该提出来
11:26
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met
to use when that bar is not met
236
674708
3143
而不是默默的接受。
11:29
versus just accepting it.
237
677875
1917
11:33
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,
relationships as a soft topic,
238
681667
4851
长久以来，我们都将感情当作
一个温柔的话题来对待，
一个温柔的话题来对待，
但人际关系技巧
又是生活中最重要
又是生活中最重要
11:38
when relationship skills
are one of the most important
are one of the most important
239
686542
2559
和最难去建立的事情之一。
11:41
and hard to build things in life.
240
689125
2559
理解不健康的信号，
11:43
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
241
691708
2643
能防止你掉进导致
不健康的爱的兔子洞，
不健康的爱的兔子洞，
11:46
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,
that leads to unhealthy love,
242
694375
3518
但是理解和练习
维护健康关系的艺术，
维护健康关系的艺术，
11:49
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy
the art of being healthy
243
697917
2976
能全方位地提升你生活的质量。
11:52
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.
every aspect of your life.
244
700917
2625
11:56
I'm completely convinced
245
704625
2059
我完全深信
爱是直觉和情绪，
11:58
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,
an instinct and an emotion,
246
706708
2643
而更好去爱的能力，
12:01
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build
is a skill we can all build
247
709375
3309
是一种我们都能随时间推移
而学会和提高的技能。
而学会和提高的技能。
12:04
and improve on over time.
248
712708
1375
12:06
Thank you.
249
714583
1268
谢谢。
（掌声）
12:07
(Applause)
250
715875
5000
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionaryBy educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation.
Why you should listen
As CEO of the One Love Foundation, Katie believes that healthy relationship education is a "simple but shockingly nontraditional solution that can impact millions and drive meaningful change. The problem is hard, but the impact of a scalable prevention approach that talks to young people in a language they can hear at the earliest stages of their dating lives could be massive."
Katie Hood | Speaker | TED.com