TEDSalon NY2013
Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
Esther Perel: El secret del desig en una relació a llarg termini
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En les relacions a llarg termini sovint esperem que la parella sigui tant el millor amic com un company eròtic. Però, com diu Esther Perel, el bon sexe en un compromís porta a dues necessitats en conflicte: la de seguretat i la de sorpresa. Com es manté el desig? Amb enginy i eloqüència, Perel ens introdueix en el misteri de la intel·ligència eròtica.
Esther Perel - Relationship therapist
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life. Full bio
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:17
So, why does good sex so often fade,
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Per què sovint s'acaba el bon sexe
00:20
even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
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tot i que la parella s'estimi tant com sempre?
00:25
And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,
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Per què una relació íntima no garanteix bon sexe,
00:28
contrary to popular belief?
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en contra del que se sol pensar?
00:31
Or, the next question would be,
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I la següent pregunta:
00:33
can we want what we already have?
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Podem desitjar el que ja tenim?
00:35
That's the million-dollar question, right?
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És la pregunta del milió, no?
00:38
And why is the forbidden so erotic?
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Per què la prohibició és tan eròtica?
00:40
What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?
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Què té la transgressió que fa el desig tan potent?
00:44
And why does sex make babies,
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Per què el sexe fa nadons
00:46
and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
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i aquests destrossen l'erotisme en la parella?
00:50
It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?
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És un cop fatal per a l'erotisme, no?
00:52
And when you love, how does it feel?
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I quan s'estima, què se sent?
00:55
And when you desire, how is it different?
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I quan es desitja, què té de diferent?
00:58
These are some of the questions
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Aquestes són algunes
01:00
that are at the center of my exploration
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de les preguntes centrals del meu estudi
01:02
on the nature of erotic desire
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sobre la natura del desig eròtic
01:05
and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.
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i els seus dilemes en l'amor modern.
01:09
So I travel the globe,
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Viatjant pel món
01:11
and what I'm noticing is that
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he notat que
01:13
everywhere where romanticism has entered,
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quan arriba el romanticisme
01:16
there seems to be a crisis of desire.
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sembla que hi ha una crisi del desig.
01:19
A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --
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Una crisi del desig per ja tenir el que es vol;
01:24
desire as an expression of our individuality,
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desig com a expressió de la individualitat,
01:27
of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --
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de la lliure elecció, de les preferències,
de la identitat;
de la identitat;
01:30
desire that has become a central concept
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desig que ha esdevingut un concepte central
01:34
as part of modern love and individualistic societies.
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com a part de l'amor modern i
de les societats individualistes.
de les societats individualistes.
01:37
You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind
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És la primera vegada en la història
01:40
where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term,
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en què intentem experimentar
la sexualitat a llarg termini,
la sexualitat a llarg termini,
01:46
not because we want 14 children,
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no perquè vulguem 14 nens,
01:50
for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,
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que llavors ho hauríem de fer més
per aconseguir-los,
per aconseguir-los,
01:54
and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.
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i no perquè és un deure conjugal de la dona.
01:59
This is the first time that we want sex over time
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És el primer cop que volem el sexe
02:03
about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.
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pel plaer i la connexió que deriven del desig.
02:08
So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?
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Però què manté el desig i per què és tan difícil?
02:11
And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,
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I la base de mantenir el desig en una relació
02:16
I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.
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és conciliar dues necessitats fonamentals.
02:22
On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,
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D'una banda, la necesitat de seguretat,
de predictibilitat,
de predictibilitat,
02:27
for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence --
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de dependença, de confiança, de permanència...
02:35
all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives
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tots aquests sentiments que ens fan
02:38
that we call home.
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sentir com a casa.
02:39
But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --
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Però tant homes com dones també necessitem
02:44
for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger,
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l'aventura, la novetat, el misteri, el risc, el perill,
02:49
for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --
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el desconegut, l'inesperat, la sorpresa...
02:53
you get the gist -- for journey, for travel.
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tot això... viatjar.
02:57
So reconciling our need for security
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Conciliar la necessitat de seguretat
02:59
and our need for adventure into one relationship,
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i la d'aventura en una relació,
03:02
or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,
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o el que avui s'anomena matrimoni amb passió,
03:05
used to be a contradiction in terms.
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solia ser una contradicció.
03:07
Marriage was an economic institution
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El matrimoni era una institució econòmica
03:10
in which you were given a partnership for life
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en què tenies un compromís vitalici
03:14
in terms of children and social status
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amb els nens, un estatus social,
03:16
and succession and companionship.
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la successió i un company.
03:19
But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,
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Ara volem que la parella ens doni tot això,
03:23
but in addition I want you to be my best friend
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però que també sigui el nostre millor amic
03:26
and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,
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i el nostre confident i el nostre amant apassionat,
03:29
and we live twice as long.
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i vivim el doble d'anys.
03:30
(Laughter)
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(Riures)
03:33
So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them
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Quan ens acostem a algú, li estem demanant
03:37
to give us what once an entire village used to provide:
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que ens doni el que abans donava un poble sencer:
03:41
Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity,
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Vull ser part d'una cosa, una identitat i continuïtat,
03:45
but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.
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però vull transcendència i misteri
i emocions tot alhora.
i emocions tot alhora.
03:49
Give me comfort, give me edge.
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Vull viure segura i al límit.
03:51
Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
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Vull novetat i familiaritat.
03:52
Give me predictability, give me surprise.
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Vull predictibilitat i sorpresa.
03:55
And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.
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I ho donem per fet i creiem que les joguines i
la llenceria ens salvaran.
la llenceria ens salvaran.
03:59
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
04:04
So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?
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Ara veiem la realitat existencial de la història, oi?
04:08
Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that --
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Perquè crec -i després tornaré a aquest punt-
04:14
but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.
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que la crisi del desig és una crisi de la imaginació.
04:18
So why does good sex so often fade?
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Per què el bon sexe s'acaba perdent?
04:21
What is the relationship between love and desire?
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Quina és la relació entre l'amor i el desig?
04:24
How do they relate, and how do they conflict?
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Com es relacionen i com entren en conflicte?
04:27
Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.
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Aquí rau el misteri de l'erotisme.
04:30
So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."
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Si hi ha un verb associat a l'amor, és tenir.
04:34
And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."
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I si hi ha un verb associat al desig, és voler.
04:39
In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.
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En l'amor volem tenir i volem conèixer l'estimat.
04:42
We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap.
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Volem minimitzar la distància, aproximar-nos-hi.
04:47
We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness.
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Volem eliminar les tensions. Volem proximitat.
04:51
But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
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Però en el desig no volem tornar
als llocs on ja hem estat.
als llocs on ja hem estat.
04:56
Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
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El desenllaç previsible no és atractiu.
05:00
In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit,
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En el desig volem algú altre,
algú a visitar a l'altre costat,
algú a visitar a l'altre costat,
05:05
that we can go spend some time with,
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amb qui puguem passar un temps,
05:07
that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.
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que puguem tafanejar el seu districte vermell.
05:11
In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
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En el desig volem un pont a creuar.
05:15
Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
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En altres paraules, el foc necessita aire.
05:18
Desire needs space.
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El desig vol espai.
05:20
And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.
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Quan es diu així, pot sonar abstracte.
05:24
But then I took a question with me.
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I vaig agafar la meva pregunta
05:25
And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years
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i he visitat més de 20 països en els últims anys
05:28
with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,
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amb el meu llibre sobre relacions preguntant:
05:31
when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?
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"Quan sents que la teva parella t'atrau més?"
05:34
Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn.
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No l'atracció sexual, sinó en general.
05:37
And across culture, across religion, and across gender --
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I en diferents cultures, religions i gèneres
05:41
except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back.
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algunes respostes es repeteixen sempre.
05:46
So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner
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El primer grup és: M'atrau més quan no hi és,
05:51
when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite.
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quan estem separats, quan ens retrobem.
05:57
Basically, when I get back in touch
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Això és quan recupero
06:01
with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,
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l'habilitat d'imaginar-me amb la parella,
06:05
when my imagination comes back in the picture,
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quan la imaginació torna a tenir un paper
06:07
and when I can root it in absence and in longing,
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a causa de l'absència i l'enyorança,
06:12
which is a major component of desire.
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el component principal del desig.
06:15
But then the second group is even more interesting:
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El segon grup és encara més interessant:
06:18
I am most drawn to my partner
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La meva parella m'atrau més
06:20
when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage,
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quan el veig a l'estudi, a l'escenari,
06:24
when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about,
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en el seu element, quan fa
una cosa que l'apassiona,
una cosa que l'apassiona,
06:28
when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,
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quan altra gent s'interessa per ell en una festa,
06:32
when I see her hold court.
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quan és el centre d'atenció.
06:34
Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident,
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És a dir, quan el veig radiant i confiat,
06:38
probably the biggest turn-on across the board.
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probablement, el més atractiu de tots.
06:42
Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
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Radiant perquè és autosuficient.
06:44
I look at this person -- by the way, in desire
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Miro aquesta persona... Per cert, en el desig
06:47
people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,
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quasi mai parlem així d'aprop,
06:50
five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.
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a 5 cm. No sé quant és en polzades.
06:53
But it's also not when the other person is that far apart
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Però tampoc no és quan l'altre és tan lluny
06:57
that you no longer see them.
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que ja no el veiem.
06:58
It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,
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És quan miro la parella d'una distància còmoda,
07:02
where this person that is already so familiar, so known,
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quan ja m'és familiar i coneguda,
07:07
is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
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que es torna misteriosa i evasiva per un moment.
07:12
And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,
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I en aquest espai intermedi rau l'impuls eròtic,
07:16
lies that movement toward the other.
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aquest moviment cap a l'altre.
07:19
Because sometimes, as Proust says,
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Perquè a vegades, com deia Proust,
07:21
mystery is not about traveling to new places,
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el misteri no és viatjar a llocs nous,
07:24
but it's about looking with new eyes.
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sinó mirar amb uns altres ulls.
07:26
And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,
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Per això, quan veig la parella a la seva,
07:30
doing something in which they are enveloped,
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submergida en alguna activitat,
07:32
I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,
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tinc un canvi de percepció en veure-la
07:37
and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.
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i m'obro al misteri que tinc al davant.
07:42
And then, more importantly, in this description about the other
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El més important és que en aquesta descripció
07:47
or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting
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de l'altre o de mi mateixa -és el mateix-
07:51
is that there is no neediness in desire.
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no hi ha dependència en el desig.
07:53
Nobody needs anybody.
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Ningú no necessita ningú.
07:55
There is no caretaking in desire.
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No hi ha atencions en el desig.
07:58
Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
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Les atencions enforteixen l'amor,
però són un antiafrodisíac.
però són un antiafrodisíac.
08:03
I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on
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Encara no he vist mai ningú excitat
08:05
by somebody who needs them.
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per algú que el necessiti.
08:07
Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown,
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Voler-lo és una cosa. Necessitar-lo destrempa
08:10
and women have known that forever,
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i les dones sempre ho han sabut
08:12
because anything that will bring up parenthood
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perquè tot el que porti a ser pares
08:15
will usually decrease the erotic charge.
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disminuïrà la càrrega eròtica.
08:18
For good reasons, right?
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Per bons motius, no?
08:20
And then the third group of answers usually would be
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I el tercer grup de respostes eren del tipus:
08:24
when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,
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quan em sorprèn, quan riem junts.
08:28
as somebody said to me in the office today,
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Com algú ha dit avui a l'oficina,
08:30
when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
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quan va amb esmòquing.
08:32
it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
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Un esmòquing o botes de vaquer;
08:35
But basically it's when there is novelty.
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es tracta bàsicament de la novetat.
08:39
But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
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Però la novetat no són posicions noves
o un repertori de tècniques.
o un repertori de tècniques.
08:43
Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?
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És: Quines parts de tu destaques?
08:47
What parts of you are just being seen?
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Quines parts són visibles?
08:50
Because in some way one could say
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Perquè algú podria dir que el sexe
08:52
sex isn't something you do, eh?
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no és una cosa que es fa.
08:54
Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter
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És un lloc on vas, un lloc on entres
08:57
inside yourself and with another, or others.
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dins teu i amb un altre, o altres.
09:00
So where do you go in sex?
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On aneu en el sexe?
09:03
What parts of you do you connect to?
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Amb quines parts de vosaltres connecteu?
09:05
What do you seek to express there?
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Què voleu expressar?
09:07
Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?
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Hi ha lloc per a la unió trascendental i espiritual?
09:10
Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?
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O és per ser dolent i agressiu, però segur?
09:15
Is it a place where you can finally surrender
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És per poder-vos rendir
09:17
and not have to take responsibility for everything?
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i poder oblidar les responsabilitats?
09:20
Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?
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És quan podeu expressar els desitjos infantils?
09:23
What comes out there? It's a language.
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Què hi passa? És un llenguatge,
09:25
It isn't just a behavior.
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no només un comportament.
09:28
And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,
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I el que m'interessa d'aquest llenguatge és la poesia,
09:31
which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.
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per això em vaig posar a estudiar
la intel·ligència eròtica.
la intel·ligència eròtica.
09:35
You know, animals have sex.
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Els animals tenen sexe.
09:37
It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
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És la base, és la biologia, és l'instint natural.
09:40
We are the only ones who have an erotic life,
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Nosaltres som els únics amb erotisme,
09:43
which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.
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la sexualitat tranformada per la imaginació humana.
09:49
We are the only ones who can make love for hours,
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Som els únics que fem l'amor durant hores,
09:53
have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,
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ho passem bé i tenim múltiples orgasmes
09:56
and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.
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sense tocar ningú, només amb la imaginació.
10:00
We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.
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Ni tan sols ens fa falta fer-ho.
10:03
We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,
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Gaudim del poder de predir i anticipar-nos,
10:06
which is a mortar to desire,
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una gran arma del desig,
10:09
the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,
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l'habilitat d'imaginar com si passés,
10:12
to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening
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de sentir-ho com si passés sense que passi,
10:16
and everything is happening at the same time.
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però mentre tot passa alhora.
10:19
So when I began to think about eroticism,
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Al principi d'estudiar l'erotisme
10:21
I began to think about the poetics of sex,
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pensava en la poètica del sexe,
10:25
and if I look at it as an intelligence,
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i si ho considero com una intel·ligència,
10:27
then it's something that you cultivate.
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és una cosa que es pot cultivar.
10:29
What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness,
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Els ingredients? La imaginació, ser juganer,
10:34
novelty, curiosity, mystery.
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la novetat, la curiositat, el misteri.
10:37
But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.
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Però l'agent central és la imaginació.
10:42
But more importantly, for me to begin to understand
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Però més important, per entendre
10:45
who are the couples who have an erotic spark,
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quines parelles mantenen la guspira
10:48
what sustains desire, I had to go back
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i què manté el desig, vaig haver de tornar
10:50
to the original definition of eroticism,
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a la definició original de l'erotisme,
10:53
the mystical definition, and I went through it
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la definició mística. I vaig prendre
10:56
through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma,
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un desviament passant primer pel trauma,
10:59
which is the other side, and I looked at it
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que és l'oposat. El vaig observar
11:02
looking at the community that I had grown up in,
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mirant la comunitat en què vaig créixer,
11:04
which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,
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una comunitat belga, tots supervivents
de l'Holocaust.
de l'Holocaust.
11:08
and in my community there were two groups:
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A la comunitat hi havia dos grups:
11:11
those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.
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els que no van morir i els que van tornar a la vida.
11:15
And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,
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Els que no van morir estaven molt limitats,
11:18
could not experience pleasure, could not trust,
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no sentien plaer i desconfiaven.
11:22
because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious,
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Perquè quan estàs vigilant, preocupat, neguitós
11:24
and insecure, you can't lift your head
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i insegur, no pots aixecar el cap
11:27
to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative.
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i enlairar-te i jugar, sentir-te segur i imaginar.
11:32
Those who came back to life were those
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Els que van tornar a la vida
11:35
who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.
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van entendre l'erotisme com l'antídot de la mort.
11:38
They knew how to keep themselves alive.
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Sabien com mantenir-se vius.
11:41
And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,
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I escoltant l'asexualitat de les parelles
amb què treballo,
amb què treballo,
11:45
I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"
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alguns diuen: "Vull més sexe."
11:48
but generally people want better sex,
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Però la gent normalment vol millor sexe,
11:51
and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,
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i millor és per reconnectar amb sentir-se viu,
11:54
of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy
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amb vibrar, renovar-se, la vitalitat,
amb Eros i l'energia
amb Eros i l'energia
11:58
that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped
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que el sexe els permetia, o que esperaven
12:01
it would afford them.
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que els permetés.
12:03
And so I began to ask a different question.
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I vaig canviar a una pregunta diferent.
12:06
"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.
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"M'aïllo quan..." era la nova pregunta.
12:11
"I turn off my desires when ..." which is not the same question as,
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"Desconnecto els desitjos quan..."
que no és el mateix que
que no és el mateix que
12:14
"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."
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"Em desexcita que..." i "Tu em desexcites quan..."
12:18
And people began to say, "I turn myself off when
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I la gent deia: "M'aïllo quan em sento
12:21
I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,
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mort per dins, quan no m'agrada el meu cos,
12:24
when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself,
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em sento vell, no tinc temps per a mi,
12:27
when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,
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no he tingut l'oportunitat ni de parlar amb tu,
12:30
when I don't perform well at work,
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tinc mals resultats a la feina,
12:31
when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth,
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quan tinc poca autoestima, no em valoro gens,
12:35
when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,
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quan no sento que tinc el dret de voler, de tenir
12:38
to receive pleasure."
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o de rebre plaer."
12:40
And then I began to ask the reverse question.
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Llavors vaig invertir la pregunta.
12:43
"I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time,
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"M'activo quan..." Perquè generalment
12:45
people like to ask the question, "You turn me on,
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ens agrada preguntar "Tu m'excites quan..." o
12:48
what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know?
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"El que m'excita és..." i jo no en formo part.
12:52
Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.
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Si tu no hi participes, l'altre pot fer
moltes coses per Sant Valentí
moltes coses per Sant Valentí
12:56
It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.
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i no servirà de res. No hi ha ningú a recepció.
12:59
(Laughter)
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(Riures)
13:00
So I turn myself on when,
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Per tant, jo m'activo quan,
13:03
I turn my desires, I wake up when ...
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encenc els meus desitjos, em desperto quan...
13:07
Now, in this paradox between love and desire,
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En la paradoxa entre amor i desig,
13:12
what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients
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sembla sorprenent que els ingredients
13:15
that nurture love -- mutuality, reciprocity,
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de l'amor -bidirecionalitat, reciprocitat,
13:20
protection, worry, responsibility for the other --
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protecció, preocupació, responsabilitat-
13:24
are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.
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són a vegades els que reprimeixen el desig.
13:28
Because desire comes with a host of feelings
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El desig ve amb un grup de sentiments
13:32
that are not always such favorites of love:
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que no són tan bons per a l'amor:
13:36
jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance,
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gelosia, possessió, agressivitat, poder, domini,
13:40
naughtiness, mischief.
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atreviment, trapelleria.
13:42
Basically most of us will get turned on at night
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De fet, la majoria ens excitarem de nit
13:45
by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day.
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per les coses contra les que ens manifestem de dia.
13:49
You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.
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La ment eròtica no és gaire políticament correcta.
13:52
If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,
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Si tothom fantasiés amb un llit de roses,
13:55
we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.
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no tindríem converses interessants sobre el tema.
13:59
But no, in our mind up there
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No. En la nostra ment
14:01
are a host of things going on that we don't always know
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hi passen moltes coses que no sempre sabem
14:05
how to bring to the person that we love,
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exposar a la persona que estimem
14:07
because we think love comes with selflessness
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perquè pensem que l'amor és altruista
14:10
and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness
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i, de fet, el desig conté cert egoisme,
14:14
in the best sense of the word:
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en el bon sentit de la paraula:
14:15
the ability to stay connected to one's self
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l'habilitat de connectar amb un mateix
14:18
in the presence of another.
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en presència de l'altre.
14:20
So I want to draw that little image for you,
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I us vull dibuixar aquesta imatge,
14:23
because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,
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perquè hem nascut amb la necessitat de conciliar
14:27
we are born with that.
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aquests dos aspectes.
14:28
Our need for connection, our need for separateness,
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La necessitat de connexió i d'espai,
14:31
or our need for security and adventure,
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de seguretat i d'aventura,
14:33
or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,
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d'estar junts i ser autònoms.
14:36
and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap
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Si penseu en un nen que us seu a la falda
14:39
and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,
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càlidament, confiat, segur i còmode,
14:43
and at some point all of us need to go out into the world
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algun dia tots hem de sortir al món
14:47
to discover and to explore.
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a explorar i descobrir.
14:50
That's the beginning of desire,
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Això és l'inici del desig:
14:51
that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery.
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l'exploració, la curiositat, la descoberta.
14:56
And then at some point they turn around and they look at you,
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Algun dia el nen es girarà, et mirarà
15:00
and if you tell them,
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i si li dius
15:02
"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it.
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"Ei, el món és un lloc genial. Vés.
15:04
There's so much fun out there,"
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T'ho passaràs molt bé.",
15:06
then they can turn away and they can experience
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llavors podrà marxar i experimentar
15:09
connection and separateness at the same time.
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la connexió i l'autonomia alhora.
15:11
They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,
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Gaudirà de la imaginació, del seu cos
15:14
off in their playfulness, all the while knowing
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i dels jocs, sempre sabent
15:17
that there's somebody when they come back.
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que hi haurà algú quan torni.
15:20
But if on this side there is somebody who says,
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Però si hi ha algú que diu
15:22
"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
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"Estic preocupat, negitós i deprimit.
15:26
My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.
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La meva parella ja no té cura de mi.
15:28
What's so good out there? Don't we have everything
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Què hi ha allà a fora? No ho tenim tot
15:31
you need together, you and I?"
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estant junts tu i jo?",
15:33
then there are a few little reactions
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hi ha algunes reaccions
15:35
that all of us can pretty much recognize.
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que tots podem reconèixer.
15:38
Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago,
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Alguns tornarem o vam tornar ja fa temps.
15:43
and that little child who comes back
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I aquest nen que torna
15:45
is the child who will forgo a part of himself
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és el que renunciarà a una part d'ell mateix
15:48
in order not to lose the other.
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per no perdre'n una altra.
15:51
I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.
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Perdré la meva llibertat per no perdre la connexió.
15:54
And I will learn to love in a certain way
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Aprendré a estimar d'una manera
15:57
that will become burdened with extra worry
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carregada de preocupacions de més
16:01
and extra responsibility and extra protection,
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i responsabilitat i protecció de més
16:05
and I won't know how to leave you
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i no sabré com deixar-te
16:07
in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,
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per sortir a jugar, per experimentar el plaer,
16:11
in order to discover, to enter inside myself.
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per descobrir, per veure'm per dins.
16:14
Translate this into adult language.
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Traduïm-ho al llenguatge adult.
16:17
It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives
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Comença de petit i continua en la vida sexual
16:21
up to the end.
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fins al final.
16:22
Child number two comes back
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Un segon nen torna
16:25
but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.
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però aquest et mira de dalt a baix.
16:27
"Are you going to be there?
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"Et quedaràs aquí?
16:30
Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me?
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M'alliçonaràs? Em renyaràs?
16:31
Are you going to be angry with me?"
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T'enfadaràs amb mi?"
16:33
And they may be gone, but they're never really away,
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I potser no hi són, però mai no marxen del tot,
16:37
and those are often the people that will tell you,
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i són els que sovint et diran
16:39
in the beginning it was super hot.
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que al principi era molt excitant.
16:41
Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy
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Al principi, la intimitat creixent
16:45
wasn't yet so strong
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no era tan forta
16:47
that it actually led to the decrease of desire.
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que pogués disminuir el desig.
16:50
The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,
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Com més em connectava, més responsable em sentia
16:54
the less I was able to let go in your presence.
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i em cohibia més en la teva presència.
16:57
The third child doesn't really come back.
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Un tercer nen no torna.
17:00
So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,
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El que passa si vols mantenir el desig
17:03
it's that real dialectic piece.
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és aquest equilibri.
17:05
On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.
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D'una banda, vols seguretat
per poder deixar-te anar.
per poder deixar-te anar.
17:09
On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,
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D'altra banda, si no pots marxar, no obtindràs plaer,
17:13
you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,
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no podràs arribar a aconseguir un orgasme,
17:16
you don't get excited because you spend your time
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no t'excitaràs perquè et centraràs constantment
17:18
in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
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en el cos i el cap de l'altre i no els teus propis.
17:21
So in this dilemma about reconciling
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En aquest dilema de conciliar
17:25
these two sets of fundamental needs,
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els dos grups de necessitats fonamentals,
17:28
there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.
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hi ha coses que he observat que
les parelles eròtiques fan.
les parelles eròtiques fan.
17:32
One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
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Tenen molta privacitat sexual.
17:35
They understand that there is an erotic space
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Entenen que hi ha un espai eròtic
17:37
that belongs to each of them.
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que és personal de cada u.
17:40
They also understand that foreplay is not something you do
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També entenen que els preliminars no són només
17:43
five minutes before the real thing.
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cinc minuts abans del plat fort.
17:45
Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.
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Els preliminars comencen just després
de l'orgasme previ.
de l'orgasme previ.
17:48
They also understand that an erotic space
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També entenen que l'espai eròtic
17:51
isn't about, you begin to stroke the other.
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no és acariciar l'altre.
17:53
It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,
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És crear un espai per desconnectar de la rutina,
17:57
maybe where you leave the agile program,
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de deixar de tocar les tecles amb avorrida inèrcia,
18:00
(Laughter)
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(Riures)
18:01
and you actually just enter that place
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i d'entrar en aquell lloc
18:04
where you stop being the good citizen
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on ja no ets un bon ciutadà
18:07
who is taking care of things and being responsible.
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que té cura de coses i és responsable.
18:09
Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
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La responsabilitat i el desig es repel·leixen.
18:13
They don't really do well together.
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No funcionen bé junts.
18:15
Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.
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Les parelles eròtiques saben que la passió va i ve.
18:20
It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses.
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És com la lluna; té eclipsis intermitents.
18:23
But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.
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Però també saben com ressucitar-la.
18:26
They know how to bring it back,
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Saben fer-la tornar
18:28
and they know how to bring it back
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i són capaços de fer-ho
18:29
because they have demystified one big myth,
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perquè han desmitificat el gran mite,
18:31
which is the myth of spontaneity, which is
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el mite de l'espontaneïtat, que diu
18:34
that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry
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que et caurà del cel mentre plegues la roba
18:38
like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood
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com una acció divina. Ells entenen
18:41
that whatever is going to just happen
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que el que pugui passar
18:43
in a long-term relationship already has.
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en una relació a llarg termini, ja ha passat.
18:46
Committed sex is premeditated sex.
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El sexe en el compromís és premeditat.
18:49
It's willful. It's intentional.
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És voluntari, intencionat.
18:52
It's focus and presence.
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És perserverança i presència.
18:55
Merry Valentine's.
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Feliç Sant Valentí.
18:57
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Esther Perel - Relationship therapistPsychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life.
Why you should listen
For the first time in human history, couples aren’t having sex just to have kids; there’s room for sustained desire and long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in New York, travels the world to help people answer this question. For her research she works across cultures and is fluent in nine languages. She coaches, consults and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, sexual honesty and conflict resolution. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Her latest work focuses on infidelity: what it is, why happy people do it and how couples can recover from it. She aims to locate this very personal experience within a larger cultural context.
Esther Perel | Speaker | TED.com