TEDxRainier
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Zergatik ez dute alde egiten etxeko indarkeriaren biktimek?
Filmed:
Readability: 3.8
5,800,883 views
Leslie Morgan Steiner "maitasun zoro" batean zegoen - hau da, modu zoroan maiteminduta abusatu eta mehatxatzen zuen gizon batekin. Steinerrek bere harremaneko istorio iluna kontatzen du, jende askok etxeko indarkeriaren biktimen inguruan dituen gaizki ulertuak argituz eta isiltasuna apurtzeko egin daitekeena azalduz. (TEDxRainier-en grabatua.)
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,
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Hemen nago gaur galdera kezkagarri
bati buruz hitz egiteko
bati buruz hitz egiteko
00:19
which has an equally disturbing answer.
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non erantzuna ere kezkagarria den.
00:23
My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
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Nire gaia etxeko indarkeriari loturiko
sekretuak dira,
sekretuak dira,
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle
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eta landuko dudan galdera
00:29
is the one question everyone always asks:
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denok egiten dugun galdera da:
00:33
Why does she stay?
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Zergatik geratzen da?
00:35
Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
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Zergatik geratuko litzateke inor
jotzen duen gizonarekin?
jotzen duen gizonarekin?
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
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Ez naiz psikiatra, ez gizarte langilea
00:42
or an expert in domestic violence.
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edo etxeko indarkerian aditua.
00:44
I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
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Kontatzeko istorio bat duen emakume bat
besterik ez naiz.
besterik ez naiz.
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
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22 urte neuzkan. Harvarden graduatu
berria nintzen.
berria nintzen.
00:52
I had moved to New York City for my first job
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New Yorkera joan nintzen
nire lehenengo lanera
nire lehenengo lanera
00:54
as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
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Seventeen aldizkariko
idazle eta editore gisa.
idazle eta editore gisa.
00:57
I had my first apartment,
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Nire lehenengo apartamendua nuen,
01:00
my first little green American Express card,
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nire lehenengo American Express
txartel txiki berdea,
txartel txiki berdea,
01:03
and I had a very big secret.
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eta sekretu handi bat.
01:06
My secret was that I had this gun
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Nire sekretua zen pistola hau nuela
01:10
loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
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balekin kargatuta nire burura apuntatzen
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
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nire bizitzako gizona zela uste
nuenarengatik
nuenarengatik
01:16
many, many times.
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une askotan.
01:19
The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
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Munduan inor baino gehiago
maite nuen gizonak
maite nuen gizonak
01:23
held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
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pistolarekin apuntatu eta hilko ninduela
esan zidan
esan zidan
01:27
more times than I can even remember.
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gogoratu dezakedan baino gehiagotan.
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,
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Maitasun zoroaren historia
kontatzeko nago hemen
kontatzeko nago hemen
01:33
a psychological trap disguised as love,
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maitasunez mozorrotutako
tranpa psikologikoaz
tranpa psikologikoaz
01:36
one that millions of women and even a few men
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miloika emakumek eta gizonen batek
01:39
fall into every year.
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urtero sufritzen dutena.
01:41
It may even be your story.
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Zure istorioa ere izan daiteke.
01:44
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
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Ez dut etxeko indarkeriaren ohiko
biktima bat ematen.
biktima bat ematen.
01:47
I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
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Harvarden titulatua naiz Ingelesean,
01:49
an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
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eta marketin masterra dut Wharton
Business Eskolan.
Business Eskolan.
01:52
I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
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Unibertsitatean ikasi bitartean
Fortune 500 enpresetan lan egin nuen
Fortune 500 enpresetan lan egin nuen
01:55
including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
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Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett eta
The Washington Posten, esaterako.
The Washington Posten, esaterako.
01:59
I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
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Ia 20 urtez ezkonduta egon naiz nire
bigarren senarrarekin.
bigarren senarrarekin.
02:03
and we have three kids together.
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eta 3 seme-alaba dauzkagu elkarrekin.
02:06
My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
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Labrador bat daukagu eta
Honda Odyssey bat gidatzen dut
Honda Odyssey bat gidatzen dut
02:10
(Laughter)
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(barreak)
02:12
So my first message for you is that domestic violence
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Nire lehenengo mezua da etxeko indarkeria
02:15
happens to everyone --
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edozeini gertatzen zaiola --
02:18
all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
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arraza, erlijio, errenta eta hezkuntza
maila guztiei.
maila guztiei.
02:22
It's everywhere.
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Edonon dago.
02:24
And my second message is that everyone thinks
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Eta bigarren mezua da denek
pentsatzen dutela
pentsatzen dutela
02:26
domestic violence happens to women,
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etxeko indarkeria emakumeei
gertatzen zaiela,
gertatzen zaiela,
02:28
that it's a women's issue.
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emakumeen kontua dela.
02:31
Not exactly.
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Ez zehazki.
02:33
Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse
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Erasotzaileen %85 baino gehiago
gizonak dira, eta etxeko indarkeria
gizonak dira, eta etxeko indarkeria
02:37
happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
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erlazio estu, luze eta
elkarren menpekoetan ematen da
elkarren menpekoetan ematen da
02:43
in other words, in families,
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beste hitz batzuetan, familietan,
02:45
the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
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indarkeria esperoko genuen azken lekuan,
02:49
which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
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eta hori da etxeko indarkeria hain
nahasia egiten duen arrazoia.
nahasia egiten duen arrazoia.
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
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Esango nizueke ni nintzela munduan
azken pertsona
azken pertsona
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats me,
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jotzen zuen gizonarekin geratuko zena,
02:59
but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
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baina biktima tipikoa nintzen adinagatik.
03:03
I was 22, and in the United States,
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22 urte nituen eta EEBBetan,
03:06
women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
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16-24 bitarteko emakumeek 3 aldiz
aukera gehiago dute
aukera gehiago dute
03:10
to be domestic violence victims
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etxeko indarkeriaren biktima izateko
03:13
as women of other ages,
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beste adinetako emakumeekin alderatuz,
03:15
and over 500 women and girls this age
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eta adin honetako 500 neska eta emakume
03:19
are killed every year by abusive partners,
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hiltzen dituzte euren bikoteek,
03:22
boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
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mutilagunek eta senarrek EEBBetan.
03:27
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing
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Ohiko biktima nintzen baita ere
ez nekielako ezer
ez nekielako ezer
03:30
about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
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etxeko indarkeriaz, honen abisu
edo patroiez.
edo patroiez.
03:35
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
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Urtarrileko gau ilun, hotz eta euritsuan
ezagutu nuen Conor.
ezagutu nuen Conor.
03:40
He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
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Nire ondoan eseri zen New Yorkeko metroan,
03:43
and he started chatting me up.
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eta ni seduzitzen hasi zen.
03:45
He told me two things.
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Bi gauza esan zizkidan.
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
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Batetik bera ere graduatu berria zela
Ivy League eskola batean,
Ivy League eskola batean,
03:50
and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
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eta bestetik Wall Streeteko banku
batean lan egiten zuela.
batean lan egiten zuela.
03:55
But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
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Baina gehien txunditu ninduena
lehen aldi hartan
lehen aldi hartan
03:58
was that he was smart and funny
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azkarra eta dibertigarria zela izan zen
04:02
and he looked like a farm boy.
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eta baserritar itxura zuela.
04:03
He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
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Masail handiak zituen, "sagar" masailak
04:05
and this wheat-blond hair,
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eta gari koloreko ile horia,
04:07
and he seemed so sweet.
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eta oso maitagarria zirudien.
04:10
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
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Conorrek egindako gauza azkarrenetarikoa
hasieratik,
hasieratik,
04:14
was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
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ni harremaneko dominatzailea nintzela
sinistaraztea izan zen.
sinistaraztea izan zen.
04:20
He did this especially at the beginning
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Bereziki hasieran egin zuen hori
04:22
by idolizing me.
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ni mirestuz.
04:25
We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
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Geratzen hasi ginen eta
nire guztia maite zuen,
nire guztia maite zuen,
04:28
that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,
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azkarra nintzela, Harvarden ikasia,
04:30
that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
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nerabeei laguntzen niela eta lana nuela.
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family
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Dena jakin nahi zuen nire familiaz
04:35
and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
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nire haurtzaroaz eta nire asmo eta ametsez
04:38
Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
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Conorrek nigan sinesten zuen idazle
eta emakume gisa
eta emakume gisa
04:42
in a way that no one else ever had.
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beste inork inoiz ez bezala.
04:45
And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
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Konfidantzazko giroa sortu zuen
gure artean
gure artean
04:50
by confessing his secret,
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bere sekretua kontatu zidalako,
04:52
which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
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hau da, haur bat zela, 4 urterekin hasita
04:57
he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused
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behin eta berriz bortizki
erasotua izan zela
erasotua izan zela
04:59
by his stepfather,
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bere aitaordearen eskutik,
05:01
and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
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eta erasoak hain ziren larriak non
eskola utzi behar izan zuen 8. mailan
eskola utzi behar izan zuen 8. mailan
05:05
even though he was very smart,
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azkarra zen arren,
05:08
and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
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eta ia 20 urte eman zituen
bere bizitza berreraikitzen.
bere bizitza berreraikitzen.
05:11
Which is why that Ivy League degree
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Horregatik Ivy Leagueko tituluak
05:14
and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
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Wall Streeteko lanak eta bere
etorkizun oparoak
etorkizun oparoak
05:17
meant so much to him.
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asko esan nahi zuen beretzat.
05:20
If you had told me
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Esan izan bazenidate
05:22
that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
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miresten ninduen gizon azkar,
dibertigarri eta sentikorrak
dibertigarri eta sentikorrak
05:27
would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
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makilatu edo ez esango zidala egun batean,
05:31
how short my skirts were,
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nire gonak ze laburrak ziren,
05:33
where I lived, what jobs I took,
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non bizi edo ze lan egin,
05:35
who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
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nire lagunak nortzuk ziren edo
gabonak non pasatu,
gabonak non pasatu,
05:39
I would have laughed at you,
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barre egingo nizueke,
05:41
because there was not a hint of violence or control
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ez zegoelako indarkeri edo kontrol izpirik
05:44
or anger in Conor at the beginning.
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edo haserrerik Conorrengan hasieran.
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage
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Ez nekien lehenengo pausua
05:50
in any domestic violence relationship
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etxeko indarkeria harremanetan
05:53
is to seduce and charm the victim.
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biktima seduzitu eta liluratzea zenik.
05:56
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
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Ez nekien ere bigarren pausua
biktima isolatzea zenik.
biktima isolatzea zenik.
06:01
Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
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Conor ez zen egun batean etxera etorri
eta esan
eta esan
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
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"Badakizu Romeo eta Julieta kontu hau
ondo egon da
ondo egon da
06:08
but I need to move into the next phase
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baina hurrengo etapara pasatu behar gara
06:10
where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —
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non zu isolatu eta eraso egingo dizudan"
(barreak)
(barreak)
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment
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"beraz hemendik irten behar gara
06:16
where the neighbors can hear you scream
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auzokoek entzun zaitzaketelako
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends and family
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eta lagun eta familia dituzulako
06:20
and coworkers who can see the bruises."
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edo ubeldurak ikus diezazkizuten
lankideak"
lankideak"
06:23
Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
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Horren ordez, ostiral iluntze batean
etxera etorri
etxera etorri
06:28
and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
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eta lana utzi zuela esan zidan,
06:30
his dream job,
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bere ametsetako lana,
06:33
and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
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eta lana nigatik utzi zuela esan zidan,
06:37
because I had made him feel so safe and loved
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hain seguru eta maitatua
sentiarazten nuenez
sentiarazten nuenez
06:40
that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
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ez zuela Wall Streeten ezer frogatu behar,
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
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hiritik irten besterik ez zuela nahi
06:46
and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
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bere famlia erasotzaile eta
disfuntzionaletik urrun
disfuntzionaletik urrun
06:49
and move to a tiny town in New England
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eta Ingalaterra berriko herri txiki
batera joan
batera joan
06:52
where he could start his life over with me by his side.
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non bizimodu berri bat hasiko zuen nirekin
bere ondoan.
bere ondoan.
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
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Nik egin nahi nuen azken gauza zen
New York uztea
New York uztea
06:59
and my dream job,
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nire ametsetako lana,
07:03
but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
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baina sakrifizioak egiten dira
bizitzako gizonagatik
bizitzako gizonagatik
07:05
so I agreed, and I quit my job,
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beraz baietz esan eta lana utzi nuen,
07:09
and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
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Eta Conorrek eta biok Manhattan
utzi genuen.
utzi genuen.
07:12
I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
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Ez nekien maitasun zoro batean nengoenik,
07:16
that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
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zuzenean nindoala kontu handiarekin
ezarritako
ezarritako
07:20
physical, financial and psychological trap.
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tranpa fisiko, ekonomiko eta
psikologikora.
psikologikora.
07:25
The next step in the domestic violence pattern
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Etxeko indarkeriaren hurrengo pausua
07:27
is to introduce the threat of violence
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indarkeriaren mehatxua egitea da
07:31
and see how she reacts.
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eta biktimaren erreakzioa ikustea.
07:33
And here's where those guns come in.
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Eta hemen agertu ziren pistolak.
07:36
As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,
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Ingalaterra berrira iritsi bezain laster
- badakizu
- badakizu
07:39
that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --
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Conor seguru sentituko zen lekua -
07:42
he bought three guns.
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3 pistola erosi zituen.
07:44
He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
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Bat kotxeko eskularru kaxan gorde zuen.
07:48
He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
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Beste bat oheko burko azpian,
07:50
and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
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eta hirugarrena bere poltsikoan
gordetzen zuen denbora guztian.
gordetzen zuen denbora guztian.
07:53
And he said that he needed those guns
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Eta esan zuen pistolak behar zituela
07:56
because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.
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haurtzaroan sufritutako traumagatik.
07:59
He needed them to feel protected.
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Babestuta sentitzeko behar zituen.
08:01
But those guns were really a message for me,
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Baina pistolak niretzako mezuak ziren,
08:04
and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,
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eta nahiz eta ez ninduen inoiz jo,
08:07
my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
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nire bizitza arriskuan zegoen
minuturo eta egunero.
minuturo eta egunero.
08:12
Conor first physically attacked me
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Conorrek fisikoki lehen aldiz
eraso ninduen
eraso ninduen
08:16
five days before our wedding.
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ezkontza baino bost egun arinago.
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
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Goizeko 7ak ziren eta
kamisoian nengoen oraindik
kamisoian nengoen oraindik
08:23
I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
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Ordenagailuan lanean nenbilen
freelance lan bat amaitzen
freelance lan bat amaitzen
08:27
and I got frustrated,
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eta zapuztuta sentitzen nintzen,
08:29
and Conor used my anger as an excuse
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eta Conorrek nire haserrea aitzakiatzat
erabili zuen
erabili zuen
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck
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bere eskuak nire lepo inguruan jartzeko
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
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eta hain gogor estutzeko non ezin nuen
arnasa hartu edo oihukatu
arnasa hartu edo oihukatu
08:39
and he used the chokehold
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eta honetaz baliatu zen
08:41
to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
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nire burua hormaren kontra jotzeko.
08:45
Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
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5 egun beranduago, lepoko 10 ubeldurak
desagertu egin ziren
desagertu egin ziren
08:51
and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
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amaren ezkontza soinekoa jarri
08:53
and I married him.
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eta berekin ezkondu nintzen.
08:55
Despite what had happened,
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Gertatutakoa gertatu bazen ere,
08:58
I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
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seguru nengoen zoriontsuak izango ginela
aurrerantzean,
aurrerantzean,
09:01
because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
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asko maite nuelako eta maite ninduelako.
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
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eta asko sentitzen zuelako.
09:09
He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
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Oso estresatuta egon zen ezkontzagatik
09:12
and by becoming a family with me.
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eta nirekin familia osatzeagatik.
09:14
It was an isolated incident,
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Gertaera isolatua izan zen,
09:16
and he was never going to hurt me again.
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eta inoiz ez ninduen berriz minduko.
09:19
It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
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Eztei-bidaian beste bitan gertatu zen.
09:22
The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
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Lehenengo aldian,
hondartza sekretu batera gidatzen
hondartza sekretu batera gidatzen
09:25
and I got lost,
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galdu egin nintzen,
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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eta ukabilkada bat eman zidan
buruaren alde baten hain gogor
buruaren alde baten hain gogor
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit
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beste aldearekin behin eta berriz jo nuela
09:33
the driver's side window.
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gidariaren aldeko lehioa.
09:35
And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
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Egun batzuk beranduago, eztei-bidaitik
etxera gidatzen,
etxera gidatzen,
09:39
he got frustrated by traffic,
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trafikoagatik zapuztu
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
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eta Big Mac bat bota zidan arpegira.
09:44
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
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Conor astean 1-2 aldiz ni jotzen hasi zen
09:47
for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
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ezkonduta egon ginen bi urte eta erdian.
09:50
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique
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Oker nengoen bakarra nintzela pentsatzen
09:54
and alone in this situation.
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eta egoeran bakarrik nengoela.
09:56
One in three American women
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Ameriketan hirutik emakume batek
09:58
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
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etxeko indarkeria edo jazarpena
pairatzen du
pairatzen du
10:03
and the CDC reports that 15 million children
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eta CDCak erakusten du 15 milioi haur
10:06
are abused every year, 15 million.
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erasotzen direla urtean, 15 milioi.
10:10
So actually, I was in very good company.
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Beraz, konpainia onean nengoen.
10:14
Back to my question:
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Nire galderara itzuliz:
10:16
Why did I stay?
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Zergatik geratu nintzen?
10:19
The answer is easy.
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Erantzuna erraza da.
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing me.
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Ez nekien abusua pairatzen nuenik.
10:24
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
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Kargatutako pistola horiek
nire buruan jarri arren,
nire buruan jarri arren,
10:28
pushed me down stairs,
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eskaileretan behera bultzatu,
10:30
threatened to kill our dog,
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gure txakurra hiko zuela esan
10:32
pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,
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autopistan gidatzen nindoala
giltzak kotxetik kendu,
giltzak kotxetik kendu,
10:36
poured coffee grinds on my head
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kafe kondarrak burutik jaurti
10:38
as I dressed for a job interview,
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lan elkarrizketa baterako
jazten ari nintzenean,
jazten ari nintzenean,
10:40
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
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ez nintzen inoiz txarto tratatua sentitu.
10:45
Instead, I was a very strong woman
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Horren ordez, emakume gogorra nintzen
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled man,
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arazoak zituen gizon batekin maiteminduta,
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth
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pertsona bakarra nintzen munduan
10:53
who could help Conor face his demons.
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Conorri bere arazoei aurre egiten
lagundu ahal ziona.
lagundu ahal ziona.
10:56
The other question everybody asks is,
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Denok daukagun beste galdera da
11:00
why doesn't she just leave?
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zergatik ez du alde egiten emakumeak?
11:02
Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.
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Zergatik ez nuen alde egin?
Edozein unetan egin ahal izan nuen.
Edozein unetan egin ahal izan nuen.
11:06
To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
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Niretzat hau da jendeak egiten duen
galdera mingarriena,
galdera mingarriena,
11:11
because we victims know something you usually don't:
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biktimok zuek ez dakizuen
zerbait dakigulako:
zerbait dakigulako:
11:14
It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
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oso arriskutsua da erasotzaile bat uztea.
11:18
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
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Etxeko indarkeriaren azken pausua
11:22
is kill her.
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emakumea hiltzea delako.
11:25
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
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Etxeko indarkeriaren heriotzen
%70 baino gehiago
%70 baino gehiago
11:27
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
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biktimak erlazio apurtutakoan
gertatzen dira
gertatzen dira
11:31
after she's gotten out,
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emakumeak alde egindakoan
11:33
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
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erasotzaileak ez duelako galtzekorik.
11:36
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
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Beste egoera bat iraupen luzeko
jazarpenarena da,
jazarpenarena da,
11:40
even after the abuser remarries;
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erasotzailea berriz ezkondu arren;
11:42
denial of financial resources;
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baliabide ekonomikoen ukapena;
11:45
and manipulation of the family court system
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eta familia sistemaren manipulazioa
11:47
to terrify the victim and her children,
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biktima eta haurrak beldurtzeko
11:50
who are regularly forced by family court judges
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nortzuk familia epaileengandik
behartuak diren
behartuak diren
11:55
to spend unsupervised time
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gainbegiratu gabeko denbora pasatzera
11:57
with the man who beat their mother.
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ama jo duen aitarekin.
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
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Eta galdetzen dugu
zergatik ez diren joaten?
zergatik ez diren joaten?
12:05
I was able to leave,
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Joateko gai izan nintzen
12:06
because of one final, sadistic beating
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azken eraso sadiko bati esker
12:09
that broke through my denial.
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zeinak nire ukazioa apurtu zuen.
12:12
I realized that the man who I loved so much
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Konturatu nintzen hainbeste
maite nuen gizonak
maite nuen gizonak
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
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hil egingo ninduela utziko banu.
12:18
So I broke the silence.
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Eta isiltasuna apurtu nuen.
12:21
I told everyone:
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Denei esan nien:
12:24
the police, my neighbors,
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poliziari, auzokoei,
12:28
my friends and family, total strangers,
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familia eta lagunei, ezezagunei,
12:31
and I'm here today because you all helped me.
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eta hemen nago denok lagundu zenidatelako.
12:38
We tend to stereotype victims
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Biktimak estereotipatzeko joera dugu
12:41
as grisly headlines,
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titular beldurgarriekin,
12:44
self-destructive women, damaged goods.
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emakume autosuntsitzaile bezala,
kaltetutako produktu gisa.
kaltetutako produktu gisa.
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
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"Zergatik geratzen da?" galderari
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"
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"bere errua da geratzeagatik"
erantzuten diote batzuek
erantzuten diote batzuek
12:56
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
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biktimek nahita aukeratuko balute bezala
gizon batekin maitemintzea
gizon batekin maitemintzea
12:59
intent upon destroying us.
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zeinak eurak suntsitu nahi dituzten.
13:02
But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
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Baina "Maitasun zoroa" argitaratu nuenetik
13:04
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
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emakume eta gizonen
ehundaka istorio entzun ditut
ehundaka istorio entzun ditut
13:08
who also got out,
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alde egin zutenak,
13:10
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
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gertatutakotik ikasi zutenak,
13:15
and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --
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bizitza berreraiki zutenak
- bizitza zoriontsuak -
- bizitza zoriontsuak -
13:19
as employees, wives and mothers,
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langile, emazte eta ama bezala,
13:21
lives completely free of violence, like me.
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indarkeria gabeko bizitzak, nik bezala.
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim
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Badirudielako etxeko indarkeriaren
biktima tipikoa naizela
biktima tipikoa naizela
13:30
and a typical domestic violence survivor.
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eta etxeko indarkeriari biziraun diona.
13:33
I remarried a kind and gentle man,
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Gizon atsegin eta on batekin
ezkondu nintzen berriz,
ezkondu nintzen berriz,
13:37
and we have those three kids.
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eta hiru ume eduki.
13:40
I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.
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Labrador beltz bat eta furgoneta ditugu.
13:43
What I will never have again,
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Berriro edukiko ez dudana,
13:47
ever,
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inoiz,
13:50
is a loaded gun held to my head
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nire buruan pistola bat da
13:52
by someone who says that he loves me.
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maite dudan batek apuntatuta.
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking,
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Orain, pentsa dezakezu
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating,"
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"Uau, zoragarria da."
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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edo "Uau, ze inozoa zen,"
14:03
but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.
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baina orain arte,
zuei buruz hitz egiten egon naiz.
zuei buruz hitz egiten egon naiz.
14:09
I promise you there are several people
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Zin egiten dizuet jende asko dagoela
14:12
listening to me right now
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ni entzuten oraintxe bertan
14:14
who are currently being abused
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erasoak sufritzen dituena
14:17
or who were abused as children
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edo haurtzaroan sufritu zituena
14:20
or who are abusers themselves.
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edo erasotzailea dena.
14:23
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
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Erasoak zuen alabek sufritu ditzakete,
14:25
your sister, your best friend right now.
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zuen ahizpek, lagun onenek,
oraintxe bertan.
oraintxe bertan.
14:30
I was able to end my own crazy love story
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Nire maitasun zoro istorioa
amaitu ahal izan nuen
amaitu ahal izan nuen
14:34
by breaking the silence.
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isiltasuna apurtuz.
14:36
I'm still breaking the silence today.
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Gaur ere isiltasuna apurtzen nago.
14:39
It's my way of helping other victims,
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Beste batzuei laguntzeko nire modua da,
14:42
and it's my final request of you.
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eta zuentzako nire azken eskaera da.
14:46
Talk about what you heard here.
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Hitz egin hemen entzun duzuenaz.
14:49
Abuse thrives only in silence.
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Erasoak isilpean gertatzen dira.
14:52
You have the power to end domestic violence
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Etxeko indarkeriarekin amaitu dezakezue
14:56
simply by shining a spotlight on it.
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argi izpi bat jarriz.
14:59
We victims need everyone.
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Biktimok denok behar zaituztegu.
15:02
We need every one of you to understand
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Zuetako bakoitza behar dugu ulertzeko
15:06
the secrets of domestic violence.
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etxeko indarkeriaren sekretuak.
15:10
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
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Erakutsi etxeko indarkeria horri argia,
gaiaz hitz egiten
gaiaz hitz egiten
15:13
with your children, your coworkers,
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zuen haurrekin, lankideekin,
15:15
your friends and family.
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lagun eta familiarekin.
15:17
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
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Biziraun dutenak pertsona
maitagarri gisa berrestrukturatu
maitagarri gisa berrestrukturatu
15:20
with full futures.
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etorkizun oparoekin.
15:23
Recognize the early signs of violence
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Indarkeriaren lehen seinaleak identifikatu
15:27
and conscientiously intervene,
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eta kontzienteki esku hartu,
15:30
deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
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intentsitatea gutxitu,
biktimei bide segurua erakutsi.
biktimei bide segurua erakutsi.
15:34
Together we can make our beds,
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Elkarrekin egin dezakegu gure oheak,
15:38
our dinner tables and our families
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gure afaltzeko mahaiak eta familiak
15:41
the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
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izan beharko liratekeen
oasi seguruak izatea.
oasi seguruak izatea.
15:45
Thank you.
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Eskerrik asko.
15:47
(Applause)
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(Txaloak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - WriterLeslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.
Why you should listen
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.
Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.
Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com