TEDxRainier
Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave
Leslie Morgan Steiner:Kwa nini waathirika wa unyanyasaji majumbani hawaondoki
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Leslie Morgan Steiner alikuwa katika "penzi la wazimu" -- yaani, alimpenda sana mwanaume aliyemnyanyasa mara kwa mara na kumtishia maisha. Steiner anahadithia uhusiano wake, akisahihisha maoni potofu ya watu wengi kuhusiana na waathirika wa unyanyasaji wa majumbani , na kueleza vile wote tunavyoweza kumaliza kimya hicho. (Imerekodiwa katika TEDxRainier.)
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:16
I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,
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Leo niko hapa kuongea kuhusu swala nyeti,
00:19
which has an equally disturbing answer.
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ambalo lina jibu tatanishi.
00:23
My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
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Swala langu ni zile siri za ugomvi nyumbani,
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle
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na swali nitakalokabiliana nalo
00:29
is the one question everyone always asks:
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ni lile swali moja kila mmoja huliuliza kila mara:
00:33
Why does she stay?
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Kwa nini muathirika hubakia?
00:35
Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
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Kwa nini mtu yeyote abaki na mume ampigaye?
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
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Mie si daktari wa akili, mfanyakazi wa ustawi wa jamii
00:42
or an expert in domestic violence.
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au mtaalam wa ugomvi wa nyumbani.
00:44
I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
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Mimi ni mwanamke mwenye hadithi ya kusimulia.
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
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Nilikuwa na umri wa miaka ishirini na miwili. Nilikuwa nimehitimu tu kutoka chuo cha Harvard.
00:52
I had moved to New York City for my first job
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Nilikuwa nimehamia mjini New York kwa ajili ya kazi yangu ya kwanza
00:54
as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
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kama mwandishi na mhariri wa gazeti la Seventeen.
00:57
I had my first apartment,
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Nilikuwa na nyumba yangu ya kwanza,
01:00
my first little green American Express card,
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kadi yangu ya kwanza ya American Express,
01:03
and I had a very big secret.
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na nilikuwa na siri moja kubwa sana.
01:06
My secret was that I had this gun
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Siri yangu ilikuwa kwamba kulikuwa na bunduki
01:10
loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
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iliyojaa risasi iliyoelekezwa kichwani mwangu
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
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na mwanamme niliyefikiria alikuwa mpenzi wangu,
01:16
many, many times.
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mara kadhaa.
01:19
The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
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Mwanamme huyu niliyempenda kuliko yeyote duniani
01:23
held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
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alielekeza bunduki kichwani mwangu na kutishia kuniua
01:27
more times than I can even remember.
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mara nyingi kuliko zile ningeweza kukumbuka.
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,
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Niko hapa kuwapa hadithi ya upendo wa kupindukia,
01:33
a psychological trap disguised as love,
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mtego wa kisaikolojia uliofichwa kama mapenzi,
01:36
one that millions of women and even a few men
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ambao mamilioni ya wanawake na hata wanaume wengine
01:39
fall into every year.
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hutumbukia kila mwaka.
01:41
It may even be your story.
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Inaweza hata kuwa hadithi yako.
01:44
I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
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Sionekani kama mtu niliyenusurika na ugomvi katika mahusiano.
01:47
I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
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Nina shahada ya sanaa katika Kiigereza kutoka chuo cha Harvard,
01:49
an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
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na shahada ya juu katika mauzo kutoka kwa chuo cha biashara cha Wharton.
01:52
I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
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Nimetumia muda mrefu maishani nikifanya kazi kwenye kampuni bora duniani
01:55
including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
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zikiwemo Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett na The Washington Post.
01:59
I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
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Nimeolewa takriban miaka ishirini kwa mme wangu wa pili
02:03
and we have three kids together.
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na tuna wana watatu pamoja
02:06
My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
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Mbwa wangu ni mweusi, na mie huendesha gari ndogo la Honda Odyssey.
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
02:12
So my first message for you is that domestic violence
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Kwa hivyo ujumbe wangu wa kwanza kwenu ni kwamba ugomvi wa nyumbani
02:15
happens to everyone --
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humtokea yeyote--
02:18
all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
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kila jamii,dini, kila kipato na ngazi ya kimasomo.
02:22
It's everywhere.
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Iko kila mahali.
02:24
And my second message is that everyone thinks
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Na ujumbe wangu wa pili ni kwamba kila mtu hufikiri
02:26
domestic violence happens to women,
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ugomvi wa nyumbani huwaathiri wanawake,
02:28
that it's a women's issue.
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ati ni swala la wanawake.
02:31
Not exactly.
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Si sahihi.
02:33
Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse
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Zaidi ya asili mia 85 ya wanyanyasaji ni wanaume, na ugomvi wa nyumbani
02:37
happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
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hutokea haswa katika mahusiano ya undani, ya kutegemeana na yale ya muda mrefu,
02:43
in other words, in families,
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yaani, katika familia,
02:45
the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
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mahali tusipotaka au kutarajia kupata ugomvi,
02:49
which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
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ndio sababu tuhuma za kinyumbani ni tatanishi hivi.
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
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Ningekuambia kwamba ningekuwa mtu wa mwisho duniani
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats me,
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kukaa na mwanaume anayenipiga,
02:59
but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
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lakini kusema kweli nilikuwa mwathirika kwa sababu ya umri wangu.
03:03
I was 22, and in the United States,
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Nilikuwa mwenye umri wa miaka ishirini na mbili na Marekani,
03:06
women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
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wanawake wenye umri kati ya miaka kumi na sita hadi ishirini na nne wana uwezekano wa mara tatu zaidi
03:10
to be domestic violence victims
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kuwa waathirika wa ugomvi wa nyumbani
03:13
as women of other ages,
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ikilinganishwa na wanawake wa umri mwingine,
03:15
and over 500 women and girls this age
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vilevile zaidi ya wanawake mia tano na wasichana wa umri huu
03:19
are killed every year by abusive partners,
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huuawa kila mwaka na wapenzi wanyanyasaji,
03:22
boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
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wapenzi, na waume zao Marekani.
03:27
I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing
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Nilikuwa muathirika kwa sababu sikujua chochote
03:30
about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
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kuhusu ugomvi wa nyumbani, maonyo yake ama mifano yake.
03:35
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
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Nilikutana na Conor usiku mmoja wenye baridi na mvua, mwezi wa Januari.
03:40
He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
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Alikaa kando yangu kwenye treni katika mji wa New York,
03:43
and he started chatting me up.
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na alianza kuniongelesha.
03:45
He told me two things.
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Aliniambia mambo mawili.
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
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La kwanza kuwa, yeye pia, alikuwa amehitimu kutoka kwa kati ya zile shule bora zaidi Marekani,
03:50
and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
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na kwamba alifanya kazi kwenye benki moja ya kuvutia sana huko Wall Street.
03:55
But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
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Lakini kile kilichonivutia zaidi siku hiyo
03:58
was that he was smart and funny
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ni kuwa alikuwa mwerevu na mcheshi
04:02
and he looked like a farm boy.
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na alionekana kuwa kijana wa mashambani.
04:03
He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
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Alikuwa na haya mashavu makubwa, haya mashavu makubwa ya waridi
04:05
and this wheat-blond hair,
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na hii nywele za rangi kama ya ngano,
04:07
and he seemed so sweet.
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na alionekana kuwa mwema sana.
04:10
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
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Jambo moja la busara Conor alilofanya, kutoka mwanzoni,
04:14
was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
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lilikuwa kufanya kana kwamba nilikuwa mwenye ushawishi mkubwa katika huo uhusiano.
04:20
He did this especially at the beginning
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Alifanya hivi haswa hapo mwanzo
04:22
by idolizing me.
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kwa kunihusudu.
04:25
We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
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Tukaanza kutoka pamoja, na alipenda kila kitu kunihusu,
04:28
that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,
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ati nilikuwa mwerevu, ati nilisomea chuo cha Harvard,
04:30
that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
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ati nilikuwa mwenye shauku kusaidia wasichana wadogo, na kazi yangu.
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family
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Alitaka kujua kila kitu kuhusu familia yangu
04:35
and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
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na utoto wangu na matarajio na ndoto zangu.
04:38
Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
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Conor alikuwa na imani nami, kama mwandishi na mwanamke,
04:42
in a way that no one else ever had.
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kwa njia ambayo yeyote mwengine alikuwa hajawahi.
04:45
And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
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Na alileta uaminifu kati yetu
04:50
by confessing his secret,
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kwa kunieleza siri yake,
04:52
which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
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ambayo ilikuwa, alipokuwa mvulana mdogo sana akiwa na umri wa miaka minne
04:57
he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused
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alipigwa vibaya sana mara kwa mara
04:59
by his stepfather,
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na babake wa kambo,
05:01
and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
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na unyanyasaji ulizidi kuwa mbaya zaidi hadi ikambidi aache shule akiwa daraja la nane,
05:05
even though he was very smart,
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ingawa alikuwa mwerevu sana,
05:08
and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
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na kwamba alitumia takriban miaka ishirini kujenga maisha yake upya.
05:11
Which is why that Ivy League degree
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Ndiyo sababu hiyo shahada yake kutoka zile shule bora zaidi Marekani,
05:14
and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
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na kazi yake Wall Street na maisha yake mazuri siku za usoni
05:17
meant so much to him.
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zilikuwa za umuhimu mkubwa sana kwake.
05:20
If you had told me
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Kama ungeniuliza
05:22
that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
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kama huyu mwanamme mwerevu, mcheshi na mwenye kujali aliyenipenda sana
05:27
would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
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angekuja kuniamulia kama ningejipamba au la,
05:31
how short my skirts were,
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ufupi wa sketi zangu,
05:33
where I lived, what jobs I took,
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mahali ningeishi, kazi gani ningefanya,
05:35
who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
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marafiki zangu wangekuwa wepi na pale ningekulia Krisimasi
05:39
I would have laughed at you,
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ningekucheka,
05:41
because there was not a hint of violence or control
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kwa sababu hakukuwa na ushahidi wowote wa tuhuma au uthibiti
05:44
or anger in Conor at the beginning.
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au hasira kutoka kwa Conor hapo mwanzoni.
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage
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Sikujua kwamba daraja la kwanza
05:50
in any domestic violence relationship
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katika uhusiano wowote wenye ugomvi
05:53
is to seduce and charm the victim.
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ni kumvuta na kumpumbaza mwathirika
05:56
I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
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Pia sikujua kuwa daraja ya pili ni kumtenga mwathirika.
06:01
Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
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Conor hakuja nyumbani siku moja na kutangaza,
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
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"Unajua huu uhusiano wetu kama wa Romeo na Julieti umekuwa mtamu,
06:08
but I need to move into the next phase
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lakini nataka kwenda katika hatua inayofuata
06:10
where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —
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ambapo nitakutenga na kukunyanyasa" - (Kicheko) -
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment
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"kwa hivyo nataka kukuhamisha kutoka nyumba hii
06:16
where the neighbors can hear you scream
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ambapo majirani wanawezakusikia ukipiga mayowe
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends and family
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na kukupeleka nje ya mji huu ambapo una marafiki na familia
06:20
and coworkers who can see the bruises."
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na wafanyakazi wenzako wanaoweza kuona hiyo michubuko."
06:23
Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
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Badala yake, Conor alikuja nyumbani jioni ya Ijumaa moja
06:28
and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
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na akaniambia kuwa alikuwa ameacha kazi siku hiyo,
06:30
his dream job,
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kazi ya ndoto zake,
06:33
and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
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na akasema kwamba alikuwa ameacha kazi hiyo kwa sababu yangu,
06:37
because I had made him feel so safe and loved
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kwa sababu nilimfanya ahisi usalama na kupendwa
06:40
that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
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ati hakuhitaji tena kujithibitisha huko Wall Street,
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
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na alitaka tu kutoka mjini
06:46
and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
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na kukaa mbali na familia yake iliyomnyanyasa.
06:49
and move to a tiny town in New England
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na kuhamia mji mdogo wa New England
06:52
where he could start his life over with me by his side.
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ambapo angeweza kuanza upya maisha yake nikiwa kando yake.
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
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Sikutaka kamwe kuhama kutoka New York,
06:59
and my dream job,
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na kuacha kazi ya ndoto zangu,
07:03
but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
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lakini nilifikiria mtu hujitoa muhanga kwa mpenzi wake,
07:05
so I agreed, and I quit my job,
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kwa hivyo nikakubali na nikaacha kazi yangu,
07:09
and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
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na Conor na mimi tukaondoka Manhattan pamoja.
07:12
I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
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Sikuwai kufikiria kwamba penzi nililokuwa nalo halikuwa la kawaida,
07:16
that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
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na kwamba nilikuwa nikitembea bila habari ndani ya
07:20
physical, financial and psychological trap.
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mtego mzuri wa kimwili, kifedha na kiakili
07:25
The next step in the domestic violence pattern
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Daraja ya pili katika ugomvi wa kimahusiano
07:27
is to introduce the threat of violence
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ni kuleta tishio la vurugu
07:31
and see how she reacts.
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na kuangalia vile linavyomgusa.
07:33
And here's where those guns come in.
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Na hapa ndipo bunduki zinapoingia.
07:36
As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,
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Muda tu tulipohamia New England--unajua,
07:39
that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --
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mahali Connor aliposema pangemfanya ajisikie salama--
07:42
he bought three guns.
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alinunua bunduki tatu.
07:44
He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
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Aliweka moja garini.
07:48
He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
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Aliweka moja chini ya mto kitandani mwetu,
07:50
and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
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na ya tatu alitembea nayo mfukoni nyakati zote.
07:53
And he said that he needed those guns
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Na alisema alihitaji bunduki hizo
07:56
because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.
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kwa sababu ya uchungu aliopitia akiwa mchanga.
07:59
He needed them to feel protected.
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Alizihitaji kujisikia salama.
08:01
But those guns were really a message for me,
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Lakini bunduki hizo zilikuwa ujumbe kwangu,
08:04
and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,
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na ingawa hakuwai kuninyoshea mkono,
08:07
my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
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maisha yangu tayari yalikuwa hatarini kila dakika ya kila siku.
08:12
Conor first physically attacked me
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Kwanza Conor alinishambulia
08:16
five days before our wedding.
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siku tano kabla ya harusi yetu.
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
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Ilikuwa saa moja asubuhi na bado nilikuwa nimevalia vazi la kulala
08:23
I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
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Nilikuwa nafanya kazi kweny kompyuta yangu nikijaribu kumaliza kazi fulani ya uandishi,
08:27
and I got frustrated,
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na nilikuwa nimekasirika,
08:29
and Conor used my anger as an excuse
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na Conor akatumia hasira zangu kama kisingizio
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck
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kunikaba koo
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
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na kuikaza hadi sikuweza kupumua au kupiga kelele,
08:39
and he used the chokehold
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na alitumia mkazo huo
08:41
to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
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kugonga kichwa changu mara kadhaa kwenye ukuta.
08:45
Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
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Siku tano baadaye, ile michubuko kumi shingoni mwangu ilipotea
08:51
and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
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na nikavaa nguo ya mama yangu ya harusi,
08:53
and I married him.
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na nikafunga ndoa naye.
08:55
Despite what had happened,
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Licha ya yaliyotokea,
08:58
I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
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nilikuwa na hakika tungeishi maisha ya raha milele,
09:01
because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
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kwa sababu nilimpenda, na alinipenda sana.
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
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Na aliniomba msamaha.
09:09
He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
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Alikuwa amechoshwa sana na mipango ya harusi yetu
09:12
and by becoming a family with me.
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na kwa kuwa kitu kimoja na mimi.
09:14
It was an isolated incident,
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Halikuwa jambo la kawaida
09:16
and he was never going to hurt me again.
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na asingeniumiza tena.
09:19
It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
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Ilitokea mara mbili katika fungate.
09:22
The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
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Mara ya kwanza, nilikuwa naendesha gari kutafuta ufukwe wa siri
09:25
and I got lost,
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na nikapotea,
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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na akanipiga ngumi nzito kwenye upande wa kichwa changu
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit
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hata ule upande mwengine wa kichwa changu ukagonga
09:33
the driver's side window.
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dirisha lililo kando ya dereva mara kadhaa.
09:35
And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
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Alafu tena siku chache baadaye, tukielekea nyumbani baada ya likizo ya harusi,
09:39
he got frustrated by traffic,
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alikasirishwa na trafiki,
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
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na akarusha Big Mac baridi usoni mwangu.
09:44
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
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Conor aliendelea kunipiga mara moja au mbili kwa wiki
09:47
for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
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kwa miaka miwili na nusu ya ndoa yetu.
09:50
I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique
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Nilifanya makosa kufikiria nilikuwa wa kipekee
09:54
and alone in this situation.
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na peke yangu katika hali hii.
09:56
One in three American women
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Mmoja kati ya wanawake watatu wakiAmerika
09:58
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
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hupitia ugomvi wa nyumbani ama kufuatwa fuatwa wakati mmoja maishani mwake,
10:03
and the CDC reports that 15 million children
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na CDC inaripoti kwamba watoto milioni kumi na tano
10:06
are abused every year, 15 million.
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wananyanyaswa kila mwaka, milioni kumi na tano.
10:10
So actually, I was in very good company.
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Hivyo basi, nilikuwa kwenye ushirika mzuri sana.
10:14
Back to my question:
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Kurudia swali langu:
10:16
Why did I stay?
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Kwa nini nilibaki?
10:19
The answer is easy.
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Jibu lenyewe ni rahisi.
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing me.
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Sikujua alikuwa akininyanyasa.
10:24
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
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Hata ingawa alielekeza bunduki zilizo na risasi kichwani mwangu,
10:28
pushed me down stairs,
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akanisukuma ngazini,
10:30
threatened to kill our dog,
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akatishia kuua mbwa wetu,
10:32
pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,
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akatoa ufunguo wa gari nikiendesha barabarani,
10:36
poured coffee grinds on my head
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akamwaga maganda ya kahawa kichwani mwangu
10:38
as I dressed for a job interview,
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nikijitayarisha kwa mahojiano ya kazi,
10:40
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
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SIkuwai hata mara moja kujihisi kuwa mke anayenyanyaswa.
10:45
Instead, I was a very strong woman
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Badala yake, nilikuwa mwanamke mwenye nguvu
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled man,
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alimpenda sana mwanaume aliyekuwa na shida,
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth
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na nilikuwa mtu wa pekee duniani
10:53
who could help Conor face his demons.
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ambaye angeweza kumsaidia Conor kukabiliana na mashetani yake.
10:56
The other question everybody asks is,
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Swali lingine kila mtu huuliza ni,
11:00
why doesn't she just leave?
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kwa nini hatoki tu?
11:02
Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.
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Kwa nini sikuondoka? Ningeweza kuondoka wakati wowote.
11:06
To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
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Kwangu mimi, hili ndilo swali chungu na la kuhuzunisha zaidi ambalo watu huniuliza,
11:11
because we victims know something you usually don't:
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kwa sababu sisi waathiriwa tunajua jambo nyinyi msilojua:
11:14
It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
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Ni jambo la hatari sana kumtoroka mnyanyasaji.
11:18
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
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Kwa sababu daraja ya mwisho katika tuhuma za kinyumbani
11:22
is kill her.
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ni kumuua.
11:25
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
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Zaidi ya asilimia sabini ya vifo vinavyosababishwa na tuhuma za kinyumbani
11:27
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
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hutokea baada ya mwathiriwa kukatiza uhusiano huo,
11:31
after she's gotten out,
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baada ya kutoka,
11:33
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
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kwa sababu wakati huo mnyanyasaji hana chochote cha kupoteza.
11:36
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
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Matokeo mengine ni pamoja na kufuatwa fuatwa,
11:40
even after the abuser remarries;
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hata baada ya mnyanyasaji kuoa tena;
11:42
denial of financial resources;
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unyimaji wa hela;
11:45
and manipulation of the family court system
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na uingiliaji wa mfumo wa mahakama za kifamilia
11:47
to terrify the victim and her children,
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ili kumtia wasiwasi mwathirika na wanawe,
11:50
who are regularly forced by family court judges
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ambao mara kwa mara hushurutishwa na majaji wa mahakama za kifamilia
11:55
to spend unsupervised time
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kuwa na wakati usiosimamiwa
11:57
with the man who beat their mother.
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pamoja na mtu yule aliyemtuhumu mama yao.
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
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Na bado twauliza, kwa nini hamtoroki tu?
12:05
I was able to leave,
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Niliweza kuondoka,
12:06
because of one final, sadistic beating
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kwa sababu ya kipigo kibaya cha mwisho
12:09
that broke through my denial.
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kilichofumbua macho yangu.
12:12
I realized that the man who I loved so much
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Nilitambua kwamba mtu yule niliyempenda sana
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
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angekuja kuniua kama ningeendelea kumuacha hivi hivi tu.
12:18
So I broke the silence.
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Hivyo nikavunja ukimya.
12:21
I told everyone:
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Nikawaeleza watu wote:
12:24
the police, my neighbors,
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polisi, jirani zangu,
12:28
my friends and family, total strangers,
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marafiki zangu na familia, wageni,
12:31
and I'm here today because you all helped me.
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na niko hapa leo kwa sababu nyote mlinisaidia.
12:38
We tend to stereotype victims
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Tuna tabia ya kuwabagua waathirika
12:41
as grisly headlines,
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kama vichwa vibaya vya habari,
12:44
self-destructive women, damaged goods.
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wanaojitakia maovu, watu walioharibika.
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
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Swali hilo, "Kwa nini haondoki?"
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"
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kwa wengine ni kama kusema, "Ni makosa yake kuendela kukaa hapo,"
12:56
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
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kana kwamba waathirika huchagua kusudi kupenda wanaume
12:59
intent upon destroying us.
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walio na lengo la kutumaliza.
13:02
But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
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Lakini tangu niandike kitabu "Crazy Love,"
13:04
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
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nimesikia mamia ya hadithi kutoka kwa wanaume na wanawake
13:08
who also got out,
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ambao pia waliondoka,
13:10
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
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waliojifunza somo muhimu la maisha kutokana na yale yaliyotokea,
13:15
and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --
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na waliojenga maisha yao tena--maisha yenye furaha
13:19
as employees, wives and mothers,
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kama wafanyakazi, wake na kina mama,
13:21
lives completely free of violence, like me.
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maisha yasiyo na unyanyasaji, kama yangu.
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim
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Kwa sababu inaonekana kwamba mimi nilikuwa mwathirika halisi wa unyanyasaji majumbani.
13:30
and a typical domestic violence survivor.
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na msalimika wa unyanyasaji wa majumbani.
13:33
I remarried a kind and gentle man,
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Niliolewa na mtu mwema na mpole,
13:37
and we have those three kids.
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na pamoja tuna watoto watatu.
13:40
I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.
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Nina yule mbwa wangu mweusi, na nina lile gari ndogo.
13:43
What I will never have again,
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Kile sitawahi kuwa nacho tena,
13:47
ever,
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milele,
13:50
is a loaded gun held to my head
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ni bunduki iliyojaa risasi iliyoelekezwa kichwani mwangu
13:52
by someone who says that he loves me.
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na mtu anayesema eti ananipenda.
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking,
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Wakati huu, labda unafikiria,
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating,"
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"Hili ni jambo la kushangaza,"
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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ama, "Kwa nini alikuwa mjinga hivi,"
14:03
but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.
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lakini muda huu wote, nimekuwa haswa nikiongea juu yako.
14:09
I promise you there are several people
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Nakuhakikishia kuna watu kadhaa
14:12
listening to me right now
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wanaonisikiliza saa hii
14:14
who are currently being abused
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ambao wananyanyaswa
14:17
or who were abused as children
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au ambao walinyanyaswa wakiwa watoto
14:20
or who are abusers themselves.
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au walio wanyanyasaji wenyewe.
14:23
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
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unyanyasaji unaweza kuwa unamwathiri binti yako,
14:25
your sister, your best friend right now.
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dadako, rafiki yako wa karibu wakati huu.
14:30
I was able to end my own crazy love story
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Niliweza kumaliza hadithi yangu wazimu ya mapenzi
14:34
by breaking the silence.
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kwa kuvunja ukimya.
14:36
I'm still breaking the silence today.
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Bado naendelea kuvunja ukimya leo.
14:39
It's my way of helping other victims,
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Ni njia yangu ya kusaidia waathirika wengine,
14:42
and it's my final request of you.
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na ni ombi langu la mwisho kwenu.
14:46
Talk about what you heard here.
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Ongeeni kuhusu mliyosikia hapa.
14:49
Abuse thrives only in silence.
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Unyanyasaji hushamiri tu katika ukimya.
14:52
You have the power to end domestic violence
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Una nguvu ya kumaliza unyanyasaji majumbani
14:56
simply by shining a spotlight on it.
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kwa kuongea kuhusu unyanyasaji.
14:59
We victims need everyone.
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Sisi waathirika tunahitaji kila mtu.
15:02
We need every one of you to understand
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Tunawahitaji nyote kuelewa
15:06
the secrets of domestic violence.
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siri za unyanyasaji majumbani.
15:10
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
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Mulikieni mwanga unyanyasaji kwa kuuongelea
15:13
with your children, your coworkers,
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mkiwa na watoto wenu, wafanyakazi wenzenu,
15:15
your friends and family.
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marafiki zenu na familia.
15:17
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
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Ongeleeni waliosalimika kama watu wema na wanaopendeka
15:20
with full futures.
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walio na maisha kamili kwenye siku za usoni
15:23
Recognize the early signs of violence
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Eleweni ishara za mapema za tuhuma
15:27
and conscientiously intervene,
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na muingilie kati kistadi
15:30
deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
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malizeni na muonyeshe waathirika njia safi ya kuiepuka.
15:34
Together we can make our beds,
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Pamoja tunaweza kufanya vitanda vyetu,
15:38
our dinner tables and our families
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meza zetu za mlo na familia zetu
15:41
the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
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mahali pa amani zinavyopaswa kuwa
15:45
Thank you.
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Asanteni.
15:47
(Applause)
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(Mahali)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - WriterLeslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.
Why you should listen
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.
Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.
Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com