TEDxKids@Ambleside
Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic
Kevin Breel: 喜劇演員的憂鬱告白
Filmed:
Readability: 2.7
4,475,224 views
身為球隊隊長、派對萬人迷又渾身自信，Kevin Breel 看起來不像個患有憂鬱症的小孩。但他今天要告訴我們一個故事，一個關於在那個夜晚，他了解到，為了救自己的性命，他必須說出四個簡單的字的故事。
Kevin Breel - Comedian, activist
Writer, comic and mental health activist Kevin Breel speaks up about depression. Full bio
Writer, comic and mental health activist Kevin Breel speaks up about depression. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
For a long time in my life,
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我覺得我大半輩子
00:15
I felt like I'd been living two different lives.
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都過著兩種截然不同的生活，
00:19
There's the life that everyone sees,
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一個是大家看見的，
00:23
and then there's the life that only I see.
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一個只有我自己知道。
00:26
And in the life that everyone sees,
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在大家都能看見的生活裡，
00:29
who I am is a friend,
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我是他們的朋友、
00:31
a son, a brother,
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兒子、兄弟、
00:34
a stand-up comedian and a teenager.
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單人脫口秀諧星和一個青少年，
00:37
That's the life everyone sees.
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這是大家都能看到的一面。
00:39
If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me,
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如果你請我的朋友和家人形容我這個人，
00:41
that's what they would tell you.
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他們講的大概八九不離十。
00:43
And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am.
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而那些佔了我很大的一部分，那就是我。
00:45
And if you were to ask me to describe myself,
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如果你請我描述我自己
00:47
I'd probably say some of those same things.
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我大概也會告訴你們類似的東西，
00:50
And I wouldn't be lying,
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雖然我這樣並沒有說謊，
00:54
but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either,
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但我講的也不全然是實話，
00:58
because the truth is,
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因為事實上，
00:59
that's just the life everyone else sees.
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那只是大家看得到的那一面。
01:02
In the life that only I see, who I am,
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在只有我能看見的生活裡，我，
01:06
who I really am,
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真實的我，
01:08
is someone who struggles intensely with depression.
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是一個奮力對抗憂鬱症的人。
01:12
I have for the last six years of my life,
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過去六年裡我持續與它對峙，
01:15
and I continue to every day.
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未來的每天也將如此。
01:20
Now, for someone who has never experienced depression
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現在，對於那些不曾憂鬱過，
01:23
or doesn't really know what that means,
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或不真的的了解它的意義的人來說，
01:24
that might surprise them to hear,
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聽到這裡應該會很驚訝，
01:25
because there's this pretty popular misconception
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因為有個廣為流傳的誤解說
01:27
that depression is just being sad
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憂鬱其實就只是悲傷，
01:30
when something in your life goes wrong,
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當你人生中出了某些差錯的時候；
01:32
when you break up with your girlfriend,
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當你和女朋友分手的時候；
01:34
when you lose a loved one,
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當你失去至親摯愛的時候；
01:35
when you don't get the job you wanted.
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當你沒得到想要的工作的時候。
01:37
But that's sadness. That's a natural thing.
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但那是悲傷，那是很自然的東西，
01:39
That's a natural human emotion.
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那是人自然的情緒。
01:41
Real depression isn't being sad
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真正的憂鬱不是因為生活中
01:45
when something in your life goes wrong.
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事情出了差錯而感到悲傷。
01:48
Real depression is being sad
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真正的憂鬱是當生活
01:50
when everything in your life is going right.
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一切順遂時仍感到悲傷。
01:53
That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.
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那是真正的憂鬱，這就是讓我受苦的東西。
01:55
And to be totally honest,
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非常坦白的地說，
01:58
that's hard for me to stand up here and say.
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站在台上並訴說這些對我來說很困難。
02:00
It's hard for me to talk about,
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談論這些對我來說很困難，
02:02
and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about,
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而且看來似乎對其他人來說也很困難，
02:05
so much so that no one's talking about it.
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以至於根本沒有人在談論這些事情。
02:07
And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be,
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沒有人在談論憂鬱症，但我們必須這麼做
02:10
because right now it's a massive problem.
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因為現在它是個巨大的問題，
02:13
It's a massive problem.
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它是個巨大的問題。
02:15
But we don't see it on social media, right?
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但我們在社會媒體上並看不到，對吧？
02:17
We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter.
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我們在臉書上看不到它，我們在推特上看不到它，
02:19
We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy,
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我們在新聞上看不到它因為它不美好，
02:21
it's not fun, it's not light.
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它不有趣，它不光明。
02:22
And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.
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因為我們看不見，
所以我們便無法了解它的嚴重性，
所以我們便無法了解它的嚴重性，
02:26
But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this:
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它的嚴重性和嚴肅性在於：
02:30
every 30 seconds,
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每三十秒，
02:31
every 30 seconds, somewhere,
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每三十秒，在世界某處，
02:34
someone in the world takes their own life
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就會有一個人因為憂鬱症
02:36
because of depression,
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而了結自己的性命。
02:37
and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away,
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事情可能發生在兩個街區之外、兩個國家之外
02:39
it might be two continents away, but it's happening,
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甚至兩個大陸之外，但它正在發生，
02:41
and it's happening every single day.
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而且每日不曾間斷。
02:43
And we have a tendency, as a society,
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而我們的社會傾向於
02:46
to look at that and go, "So what?"
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看一眼然後問：「所以呢？」
02:51
So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem.
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所以呢？
我們看了一眼然後說：「那是你的問題。」
我們看了一眼然後說：「那是你的問題。」
02:56
That's their problem."
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「那是他們的問題。」
02:58
We say we're sad and we say we're sorry,
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我們說我們感到哀傷，我們感到遺憾，
03:00
but we also say, "So what?"
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但我們也說：「所以呢？」
03:02
Well, two years ago it was my problem,
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而兩年前這是我的問題，
03:06
because I sat on the edge of my bed
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因為當時我坐在我已坐過
03:10
where I'd sat a million times before
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千百次的床沿，
03:14
and I was suicidal.
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而且好想自殺，
03:17
I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface,
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我好想自殺。
但如果你當時從表面上來看我的生活，
但如果你當時從表面上來看我的生活，
03:21
you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal.
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你不會覺得這個孩子有自殺傾向。
03:23
You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team,
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你看到的會是個身兼籃球隊隊長、
03:25
the drama and theater student of the year,
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戲劇與劇場年度榮譽生、
03:27
the English student of the year,
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英文年度榮譽生、
03:28
someone who was consistently on the honor roll
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幾乎都出現在榮譽榜上
03:30
and consistently at every party.
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和每個派對裡的的孩子。
03:33
So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say
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所以你會說我並不憂鬱，你會說
03:35
I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong.
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我沒有自殺傾向，但你錯了。
03:38
You would be wrong. So I sat there that night
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你錯了。
所以那天晚上我坐在那裏，
所以那天晚上我坐在那裏，
03:39
beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand
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旁邊有一罐藥丸，手裡拿著一支筆和一張紙，
03:43
and I thought about taking my own life
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心裡想著要結束自己的生命，
03:45
and I came this close to doing it.
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我差那麼點就要動手了，
03:49
I came this close to doing it.
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我差那麼點就要動手了，
03:50
And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones,
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但我沒有。
這讓我成為了幸運者的一份子，
這讓我成為了幸運者的一份子，
03:53
one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge
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成為走到懸崖邊，
03:56
and look down but not jump,
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往下看，但沒有跳下去的一份子，
03:58
one of the lucky ones who survives.
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成為幸運生還的一份子。
04:00
Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story,
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我活下來了，背負著我的故事活下來了，
04:02
and my story is this:
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而我的故事是這樣子的：
04:05
In four simple words, I suffer from depression.
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一言以蔽之，我為憂鬱症所苦。
04:08
I suffer from depression,
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我為憂鬱症所苦，
04:10
and for a long time, I think,
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而且有好長一段時間我覺得
04:18
I was living two totally different lives,
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我過著兩個截然不同的生活，
04:20
where one person was always afraid of the other.
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在那裏我總是害怕其他人，
04:22
I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was,
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我害怕人們會看到真正的我，
04:24
that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was,
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一個不再是高中裡公認最完美和最受歡迎的孩子的我，
04:28
that beneath my smile, there was struggle,
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我的笑容的背後有許多掙扎，
04:30
and beneath my light, there was dark,
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在我的光芒之下有黑暗，
04:32
and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.
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而在我的奔放的個性中暗藏著更加深沉的苦痛。
04:36
See, some people might fear girls not liking them back.
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你懂嗎？
有些人可能害怕女孩們沒有回應他們的情意，
有些人可能害怕女孩們沒有回應他們的情意，
04:39
Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death.
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有些人可能怕鯊魚，有些人可能害怕死亡，
04:41
But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself.
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但對我來說，對我大半的人生來說，我害怕我自己。
04:46
I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability,
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我害怕真實的我，我害怕誠實的我，我害怕軟弱的我，
04:48
and that fear made me feel
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而那些恐懼讓我覺得
04:51
like I was forced into a corner,
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像是我被逼到牆角，
04:53
like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out,
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像是我被逼到牆角而且只有一條退路(自殺)，
04:56
and so I thought about that way every single day.
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於是我每天都會想著那條路，
05:00
I thought about it every single day,
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我每天都會想著那條退路，
05:01
and if I'm being totally honest, standing here
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而且說真的，站在這裡到現在，
05:03
I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness,
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我其實有想到那條退路，因為那就是疾病本身，
05:06
that's the struggle, that's depression,
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那就是試煉，那就是憂鬱症，
05:08
and depression isn't chicken pox.
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憂鬱症不是水痘，
05:09
You don't beat it once and it's gone forever.
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你不能打敗它一次就一勞永逸，
05:11
It's something you live with. It's something you live in.
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你必須和它共存，你就生活在它之中。
05:14
It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore.
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它是你趕不走的室友、是你無法忽視的聲音、
05:18
It's the feelings you can't seem to escape,
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是種你沒什麼機會逃脫的感受，
05:20
the scariest part is that after a while,
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最令人害怕的是過了一段時間後，
05:25
you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you,
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你便麻木了，對你來說它變得再正常不過。
05:28
and what you really fear the most
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而真正令你感到害怕的
05:30
isn't the suffering inside of you.
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不是你內心所受的煎熬，
05:33
It's the stigma inside of others,
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而是存乎於他人心中的汙名、
05:34
it's the shame, it's the embarrassment,
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是那份羞恥、是那份尷尬、
05:37
it's the disapproving look on a friend's face,
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是朋友們不以為然的臉色、
05:39
it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak,
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是穿堂中關於你多麼軟弱的耳語，
05:43
it's the comments that you're crazy.
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是關於你是瘋子的評論。
05:44
That's what keeps you from getting help.
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就是這些讓你怯於尋求援助，
05:46
That's what makes you hold it in and hide it.
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就是這些讓你寧可忍住並躲起來，
05:49
It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it,
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就是這些汙名讓你寧可忍住並躲起來，
05:51
and you hold it in and you hide it,
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讓你再忍住再躲起來，
05:53
and even though it's keeping you in bed every day
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縱使它讓你只想每天躲在被窩裡，
05:55
and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it,
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讓你無論多努力都無法填補生命的空洞感，
05:58
you hide it, because the stigma in our society
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你仍選擇隱藏，因為充斥在我們社會裡
06:00
around depression is very real.
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對於憂鬱症的污名化是如此的真實。
06:03
It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this:
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它是如此的真實。
如果你覺得這些汙名不存在的話，請捫心自問：
如果你覺得這些汙名不存在的話，請捫心自問：
06:06
Would you rather make your next Facebook status
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你會寧願在下一則臉書動態裡說
06:08
say you're having a tough time getting out of bed
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要你起床是一件很困難的事
06:10
because you hurt your back
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因為你的背受傷了，
06:12
or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning
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還是說你每天早上都不想起床
06:14
because you're depressed?
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因為你很憂鬱？
06:16
That's the stigma, because unfortunately,
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這就是汙名化。因為，不幸地，
06:18
we live in a world where if you break your arm,
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我們身處在一個如果你的手骨折
06:21
everyone runs over to sign your cast,
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大家會圍過來在你的石膏上簽名的世界，
06:23
but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way.
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但如果你告訴大家你有憂鬱症，
大家全都會離你而去。
大家全都會離你而去。
06:26
That's the stigma.
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這就是汙名化。
06:29
We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down
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我們非常之能夠接受全身除了腦以外
06:34
other than our brains. And that's ignorance.
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任何一個器官的故障，那是無知，
06:37
That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created
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那是全然的無知，而無知造就了
06:39
a world that doesn't understand depression,
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一個不了解憂鬱症、
06:40
that doesn't understand mental health.
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不了解精神健康的世界。
06:43
And that's ironic to me, because depression
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這個現象對我來說很諷刺，因為憂鬱症
06:45
is one of the best documented problems we have in the world,
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是世界上擁有最完整紀載的問題之一，
06:47
yet it's one of the least discussed.
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同時也是最少被討論的。
06:49
We just push it aside and put it in a corner
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我們只顧把它推到旁邊然後堆在角落
06:52
and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.
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並裝作它不存在，期待有天它會自我修復。
06:55
Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to,
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但是，它不會，
過去不曾如此，以後也不會如此，
過去不曾如此，以後也不會如此，
06:59
because that's wishful thinking,
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因為，那只是癡心妄想，
07:01
and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination,
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癡心妄想不是解決之道，
它只是拖延戰術，
它只是拖延戰術，
07:03
and we can't procrastinate on something this important.
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而面對這樣重要的問題我們絕不能耽擱。
07:08
The first step in solving any problem
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解決任何問題的第一步驟
07:12
is recognizing there is one.
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是要先承認問題的確存在，
07:13
Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect
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明顯地，我們還沒有做到，所以我們也不用期待
07:16
to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.
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在我們仍然害怕問題時就找到答案，
07:19
And I don't know what the solution is.
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而我也不知道解決方法是什麼。
07:23
I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think,
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我希望我知道，但我並不知道。
但是我認為，
但是我認為，
07:25
I think it has to start here.
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我認為應該從這裡開始，
07:27
It has to start with me, it has to start with you,
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應該從我開始，應該從你開始，
07:30
it has to start with the people who are suffering,
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應該從那些備受煎熬的人們開始，
07:33
the ones who are hidden in the shadows.
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從那些躲在陰影中的人開始。
07:35
We need to speak up and shatter the silence.
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我們必須站出來發聲並打破沉默，
07:37
We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in,
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我們必須成為那些因信念而變得勇敢的人們，
07:39
because if there's one thing that I've come to realize,
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因為如果要說我漸漸體會了某件事，
07:42
if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem,
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如果要說有一件我視為最重要的問題的事，
07:46
it's not in building a world
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那並不是建造一個
07:49
where we eliminate the ignorance of others.
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消除他人的無知的世界，
07:52
It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves,
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而是建立一個教育我們接受自己的世界，
07:56
where we're okay with who we are,
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在那裏我們可以做自己，
07:57
because when we get honest,
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因為當我們能更誠實
07:58
we see that we all struggle and we all suffer.
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我們會發現我們都在掙扎且我們都在受苦。
08:01
Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else,
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無論是因為這些或是因為那些(原因)，
08:03
we all know what it is to hurt.
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我們都知道傷害我們的是什麼。
08:06
We all know what it is to have pain in our heart,
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我們都知道心理受傷是怎麼樣的感受
08:08
and we all know how important it is to heal.
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且我們都知道恢復健康是多麼的重要。
08:11
But right now, depression is society's deep cut
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但現在，憂鬱症是社會的瘡疤，
08:14
that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.
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而我們只是用個OK繃蓋住然後假奘它不存在就放心了。
08:17
Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay.
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然而，它在那裏。它在那裏。而且你知道嗎？沒有關係。
08:21
Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay.
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有憂鬱症沒有關係。
如果你正在經歷它，要知道自己沒問題的，
如果你正在經歷它，要知道自己沒問題的，
08:25
And know that you're sick, you're not weak,
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而且要知道你只是病了，你不軟弱，
08:27
and it's an issue, not an identity,
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而且這是個難題，不是你的身份，
08:29
because when you get past the fear and the ridicule
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因為當你撐過恐懼和他人的訕笑、
08:32
and the judgment and the stigma of others,
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評論和汙名的時候，
08:34
you can see depression for what it really is,
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你就能看透憂鬱的本質，
08:37
and that's just a part of life,
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它只是生命的一部分，
08:39
just a part of life, and as much as I hate,
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它只是生命的一部份，即便我如此的厭惡，
08:43
as much as I hate some of the places,
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即便我如此厭惡憂鬱症曾把我拖往的
08:45
some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to,
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某些地方和我生命中的某些部份，
08:49
in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it.
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從許多方面來說我對它仍心懷感恩。
08:51
Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys,
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因為，沒錯，它曾經置我於幽谷之中，
08:53
but only to show me there's peaks,
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但這只讓我看到山巔的所在；
08:54
and yeah it's dragged me through the dark
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而沒錯，它曾經把我拖往黑暗，
08:56
but only to remind me there is light.
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但這只提醒了我光明的存在。
08:58
My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet,
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我的痛苦，比19年來在這世上的其他東西都還要更多地
09:02
has given me perspective, and my hurt,
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賦予我洞察力，而我的傷痛，
09:04
my hurt has forced me to have hope,
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我的傷痛迫使我懷抱希望，
09:07
have hope and to have faith, faith in myself,
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懷抱著希望和信念，相信自己、
09:10
faith in others, faith that it can get better,
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相信別人、相信事情將會變得更好、
09:12
that we can change this, that we can speak up
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相信我們可以改變現況、我們可以大聲疾呼並
09:14
and speak out and fight back against ignorance,
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呼籲、可以對無知
09:17
fight back against intolerance,
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和不寬容進行反擊。
09:19
and more than anything,
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然後，最重要的是，
09:21
learn to love ourselves,
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學會愛自己，
09:24
learn to accept ourselves for who we are,
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學會接受我就是我，
09:26
the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be.
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做自己，而不是世上其他人想要我們做的人，
09:30
Because the world I believe in is one
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因為我所嚮往的世界裡
09:32
where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark.
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你不需要忽視自己的黑暗才能擁抱光亮；
09:36
The world I believe in is one where we're measured
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我所嚮往的世界裡衡量我們的是
09:38
by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them.
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克服困境而不是逃避困境的能力；
09:43
The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye
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我所嚮往的世界裡，我可以直視某人的眼睛，
09:47
and say, "I'm going through hell,"
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說：「我身處在地獄之中」，
09:49
and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay,
219
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然後他不會避開我的眼神，並回我：「我也是」，
沒什麼大不了的，
沒什麼大不了的，
09:52
and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people.
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沒什麼大不了的，因為憂鬱症沒那麼嚴重，
我們是人，
我們是人，
09:56
We're people, and we struggle and we suffer
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我們是人，我們掙扎、我們受苦、
09:59
and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength
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我們流血和哭泣，如果你認為真正的堅強
10:01
means never showing any weakness, then I'm here
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是從來不顯露自己的弱點，那我在這裡
10:03
to tell you you're wrong.
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要告訴你，你錯了。
10:07
You're wrong, because it's the opposite.
225
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你錯了，因為恰恰相反。
10:11
We're people, and we have problems.
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我們是人，我們會出問題，
10:13
We're not perfect, and that's okay.
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我們不完美，但那沒什麼大不了的。
10:15
So we need to stop the ignorance,
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所以，我們必須終結無知、
10:17
stop the intolerance, stop the stigma,
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停止不寬容、遏止汙名化
10:20
and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos,
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並打破沉默，而且我們必須揚棄這些禁忌，
10:25
take a look at the truth, and start talking,
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看一眼真相，然後開始對話，
10:29
because the only way we're going to beat a problem
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因為讓我們解決人們總是孤軍奮戰
10:34
that people are battling alone
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的唯一方法是
10:37
is by standing strong together,
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堅強的團結在一起，
10:41
by standing strong together.
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堅強的團結在一起。
10:45
And I believe that we can.
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我相信我們可以，
10:48
I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much.
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我相信我們可以。非常謝謝你們，
10:50
This is a dream come true. Thank you. (Applause)
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站在這裡真是美夢成真，謝謝
(掌聲)
(掌聲)
10:52
Thank you. (Applause)
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謝謝。(掌聲)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kevin Breel - Comedian, activistWriter, comic and mental health activist Kevin Breel speaks up about depression.
Why you should listen
As a teenager, Kevin Breel almost took his own life. His story, so powerfully told in his viral TEDxYouth Talk, gives voice to an often silent struggle and offers a message of hope.
As Jack Knox writes in the Times Colonist :
His story, abbreviated, is this: He grew up in Cadboro Bay, a popular kid, fun at parties, English and drama awards, always on the honour roll, captain of the Lambrick Park basketball team when it was ranked No. 1 in the province. Under it all was the other him, the kid who plunged into depression at age 13 when his best friend died in a car crash.
Breel now speaks out about his own depression, with a mission of helping kids his age realize they're not alone.
Kevin Breel | Speaker | TED.com