TEDWomen 2016
Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation
Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger: Naša priča o silovanju i pomirenju
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Godine 1996. Thordis Elva bila je u tinejdžerskoj vezi s Tomom Strangerom, učenikom iz Australije na razmjeni . Nakon školskog plesa Tom je silovao Thordis, poslije čega su se njihovi putevi razišli na dugi niz godina. U ovom izvanrednom govoru Eva i Stranger prolaze kroz dugogodišnju kronologiju srama i tišine te nas pozivaju da razgovaramo o sveprisutnom problemu seksualnog nasilja na novi, pošteni način. Ukoliko imate piranja za govornike, posjetite go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence
and descriptions of sexual violence
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[Ovaj govor sadrži eksplicitan jezik
i opise seksualnog nasilja.
i opise seksualnog nasilja.
Poželjna je diskrecija gledatelja]
00:15
Viewer discretion is advised]
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Tom Stranger: Godine 1996.,
kada sam imao 18 godina,
kada sam imao 18 godina,
00:16
Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old,
when I was 18 years old,
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00:19
I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program.
on an international exchange program.
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imao sam sjajnu priliku sudjelovati
u međunarodnom programu razmjene.
u međunarodnom programu razmjene.
00:24
Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
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Ironično, Australac sam
koji više voli jako hladno vrijeme
koji više voli jako hladno vrijeme
00:27
so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
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pa sam bio i uzbuđen i tužan
kada sam se ukrcao na zrakoplov za Island
kada sam se ukrcao na zrakoplov za Island
00:32
after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye.
my parents and brothers goodbye.
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nakon što sam se oprostio
s roditeljima i braćom.
s roditeljima i braćom.
00:36
I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family
of a beautiful Icelandic family
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Divna islandska obitelj
pružila mi je dobrodošlicu u svom domu.
pružila mi je dobrodošlicu u svom domu.
00:39
who took me hiking,
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Vodili su me u šetnje
00:41
and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language.
of the melodic Icelandic language.
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i pomogli mi u razumijevanju
melodičnog islandskog jezika.
melodičnog islandskog jezika.
00:45
I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness.
period of homesickness.
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Na početku mi je nedostajao dom.
00:48
I snowboarded after school,
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Bavio sam se daskanjem na snijegu
00:50
and I slept a lot.
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i puno sam spavao.
00:52
Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand
that you don't yet fully understand
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Dva sata kemije na jeziku
koji ne razumijete sasvim
koji ne razumijete sasvim
00:56
can be a pretty good sedative.
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dobar su sedativ.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
Predložili su mi da
se prijavim za ulogu u predstavi
se prijavim za ulogu u predstavi
01:00
My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play,
I try out for the school play,
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01:03
just to get me a bit more socially active.
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kako bih se više uključio u društvo.
01:06
It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play,
being part of the play,
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Nisam dobio ulogu,
01:08
but through it I met Thordis.
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ali tako sam upoznao Thordis.
01:11
We shared a lovely teenage romance,
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Imali smo lijepu tinejdžersku romansu,
01:13
and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands
to just hold hands
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nalazili smo se
u stankama i držali se za ruke,
u stankama i držali se za ruke,
01:16
and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
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šetali starim dijelom Reykjavika.
01:18
I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends.
and she met my friends.
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Upoznao sam njezinu obitelj
i ona moje prijatelje.
i ona moje prijatelje.
01:22
We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month
for a bit over a month
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Bili smo na početku veze,
nešto dulje od mjeseca,
nešto dulje od mjeseca,
01:25
when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
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kada je održan školski božićni ples.
01:30
Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
and in love for the first time.
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Thordis Elva: Imala sam 16 godina
i bila sam prvi put zaljubljena.
i bila sam prvi put zaljubljena.
01:33
Going together to the Christmas dance
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Zajednički odlazak na ples
01:35
was a public confirmation
of our relationship,
of our relationship,
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bila je javna potvrda naše veze
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
girl in the world.
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i osjećala sam se kao
najsretnija djevojka na svijetu.
najsretnija djevojka na svijetu.
01:41
No longer a child, but a young woman.
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Nisam više bila dijete,
nego mlada žena.
nego mlada žena.
01:44
High on my newfound maturity,
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Opijena novootkrivenom zrelošću
01:46
I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too.
rum for the first time that night, too.
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te sam večeri odlučila
prvi put probati rum.
prvi put probati rum.
01:51
That was a bad idea.
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Bila je to loša zamisao.
01:53
I became very ill,
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Jako mi je pozlilo,
01:55
drifting in and out of consciousness
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gubila sam svijest
01:56
in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
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između napadaja povraćanja.
02:00
The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance,
to call me an ambulance,
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Zaštitari su željeli pozvati hitnu,
02:03
but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor,
in shining armor,
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no Tom se ponio kao moj vitez-zaštitnik
02:06
and told them he'd take me home.
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i rekao im da će me odvesti kući.
02:08
It was like a fairy tale,
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Bilo je to poput bajke,
02:10
his strong arms around me,
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iz svog snažnog naručja
02:12
laying me in the safety of my bed.
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spustio me u sigurnost mog kreveta.
02:15
But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror
towards him soon turned to horror
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No zahvalnost prema njemu
uskoro se pretvorila u užas
uskoro se pretvorila u užas
02:20
as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me.
and get on top of me.
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kada je krenuo skidati
moju odjeću i našao se na meni.
moju odjeću i našao se na meni.
02:25
My head had cleared up,
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U glavi mi se razbistrilo,
02:26
but my body was still
too weak to fight back,
too weak to fight back,
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no tijelo je još bilo
preslabo da se odupre,
preslabo da se odupre,
02:29
and the pain was blinding.
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a bol je bila zasljepljujuća.
02:32
I thought I'd be severed in two.
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Mislila sam da će me prepoloviti.
02:35
In order to stay sane,
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Kako ne bih izgubila razum,
02:37
I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock.
on my alarm clock.
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tiho sam brojala sekunde na satu.
02:41
And ever since that night,
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I od te noći
02:43
I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours.
seconds in two hours.
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znam da dva sata
traju 7,200 sekundi.
traju 7,200 sekundi.
02:51
Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks,
and crying for weeks,
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Iako sam danima šepala
i tjednima plakala,
i tjednima plakala,
02:54
this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
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događaj nije odgovarao
mojim predodžbama o silovanju.
mojim predodžbama o silovanju.
02:59
Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
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Tom nije bio naoružani luđak;
03:01
he was my boyfriend.
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bio je moj dečko.
03:03
And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
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To se nije dogodilo u mračnoj uličici,
03:05
it happened in my own bed.
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nego u mom vlastitom krevetu.
03:08
By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape,
what had happened to me as rape,
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Do trenutka kada sam ono što mi se
dogodilo bila spremna nazvati silovanjem,
dogodilo bila spremna nazvati silovanjem,
03:12
he had completed his exchange program
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on je već završio program razmjene
03:14
and left for Australia.
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i otišao u Australiju.
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened.
to address what had happened.
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Rekla sam sebi da je uzaludno
baviti se onim što je prošlo.
baviti se onim što je prošlo.
03:20
And besides,
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Osim toga,
03:21
it had to have been my fault, somehow.
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sigurno je to nekako bila moja krivnja.
03:24
I was raised in a world
where girls are taught
where girls are taught
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Odgajana sam u svijetu
koji je učio djevojke
koji je učio djevojke
03:27
that they get raped for a reason.
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da se silovanje događa s razlogom.
03:29
Their skirt was too short,
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Suknja je bila prekratka,
03:32
their smile was too wide,
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osmijeh preširok,
03:34
their breath smelled of alcohol.
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dah im je mirisao na alkohol.
03:38
And I was guilty of all of those things,
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Sve se to odnosilo na mene
03:40
so the shame had to be mine.
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pa je i sramota bila moja.
03:43
It took me years to realize
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Dugo je trebalo da shvatim
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night,
from being raped that night,
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da jedino što je moglo
spriječiti silovanje te noći
spriječiti silovanje te noći
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt,
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nije bila moja suknja,
03:51
it wasn't my smile,
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nije bio moj osmijeh,
03:53
it wasn't my childish trust.
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nije bilo moje djetinje povjerenje.
03:55
The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night
from being raped that night
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Spriječiti silovanje te noći
03:59
is the man who raped me --
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mogao je samo
muškarac koji me silovao --
muškarac koji me silovao --
04:01
had he stopped himself.
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da je zaustavio sebe.
04:04
TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
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TS: Mutna su mi sjećanja na sljedeći dan:
04:07
the after effects of drinking,
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posljedice alkohola,
04:10
a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle.
that I tried to stifle.
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praznina koju sam nastojao zatomiti.
04:13
Nothing more.
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Ništa više.
04:15
But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
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Ali nisam otišao k Thordis.
04:19
It is important to now state
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Važno je napomenuti
04:21
that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
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da nisam bio posve
svjestan onoga što sam učinio.
svjestan onoga što sam učinio.
04:24
The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've,
around my mind as it should've,
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Riječ "silovanje" nije odzvanjala
u mom umu kao što je trebala,
u mom umu kao što je trebala,
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before.
with memories of the night before.
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a ja se nisam mučio
uspomenama na prošlu noć.
uspomenama na prošlu noć.
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
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Nije to bilo svjesno nijekanje,
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden.
of reality was forbidden.
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nego kao da je
bilo zabranjeno priznati stvarnost.
bilo zabranjeno priznati stvarnost.
04:40
My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition
refuted any recognition
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Moja definicija vlastitog ponašanja
opovrgavala je priznanje
opovrgavala je priznanje
04:44
of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
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neizmjerne traume
koju sam uzrokovao Thordis.
koju sam uzrokovao Thordis.
04:48
To be honest,
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Iskreno,
04:49
I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards
in the days afterwards
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danima poslije nijekao sam cijeli čin
04:54
and when I was committing it.
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kao i dok sam to činio.
04:57
I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape.
myself it was sex and not rape.
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Poricao sam istinu uvjeravajući se
da je to bio seks, a ne silovanje.
da je to bio seks, a ne silovanje.
05:02
And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for.
spine-bending guilt for.
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I zbog te laži osjećam užasnu krivnju.
05:08
I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later,
a couple of days later,
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Prekinuo sam s Thordis
nekoliko dana kasnije,
nekoliko dana kasnije,
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
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poslije sam je nekoliko puta vidio
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland,
of my year in Iceland,
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tijekom ostatka moje
godine na Islandu,
godine na Islandu,
05:14
feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time.
of heavyheartedness each time.
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svaki sam put osjetio
težinu oko srca.
težinu oko srca.
05:18
Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong.
something immeasurably wrong.
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Duboko u sebi znao sam
da sam učinio nešto jako loše.
da sam učinio nešto jako loše.
05:23
But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep,
I sunk the memories deep,
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Ne planirajući to,
duboko sam potopio sjećanja,
duboko sam potopio sjećanja,
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
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vežući ih kamenom.
05:30
What followed is a nine-year period
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Sljedeće razdoblje od devet godina
05:31
that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running."
as "Denial and Running."
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može se opisati kao
"Poricanje i bijeg."
"Poricanje i bijeg."
05:36
When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused,
the real torment that I caused,
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Kada sam dobio priliku
identificirati muku koju sam izazvao,
identificirati muku koju sam izazvao,
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
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nisam mirovao dovoljno da bih to mogao.
05:44
Whether it be via distraction,
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Odvraćanjem pažnje,
05:46
substance use,
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opijatima,
05:47
thrill-seeking
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adrenalinskim sportovima
05:49
or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak,
of my inner speak,
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ili savjesnim nadziranjem
unutarnjeg monologa,
unutarnjeg monologa,
05:52
I refused to be static and silent.
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odbijao sam biti miran i tih.
05:56
And with this noise,
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I uz tu buku,
05:58
I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life
upon other parts of my life
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crpio sam i ostale dijelove života
06:01
to construct a picture of who I was.
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kako bih stvorio sliku sebe.
06:04
I was a surfer,
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Bio sam surfer,
06:05
a social science student,
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student društvenih znanosti,
06:07
a friend to good people,
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prijatelj dobrim ljudima,
06:09
a loved brother and son,
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voljeni brat i sin,
06:12
an outdoor recreation guide,
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voditelj rekreativnih aktivnosti,
06:13
and eventually, a youth worker.
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a radio sam i s mladima.
06:16
I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person.
that I wasn't a bad person.
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Čvrsto sam se držao
stajališta da nisam loša osoba.
stajališta da nisam loša osoba.
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones.
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Nisam to imao u sebi.
06:24
I thought I was made up of something else.
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Bio sam bolji od toga.
06:26
In my nurtured upbringing,
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Dok su me brižno odgajali,
06:28
my loving extended family and role models,
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moja proširena obitelj i uzori,
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine
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bliski ljudi bili su topli i iskreni
06:33
in their respect shown towards women.
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u svom poštovanju prema ženama.
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself,
this dark corner of myself,
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Trebalo mi je dugo da se zagledam
u taj mračni kutak sebe
u taj mračni kutak sebe
06:41
and to ask it questions.
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i postavim pitanja.
06:46
TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
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TE: Devet godina nakon božićnog plesa,
06:48
I was 25 years old,
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imala sam 25 godina
06:49
and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown.
for a nervous breakdown.
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i bila na putu da doživim živčani slom.
06:53
My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence
under a soul-crushing load of silence
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Osjećaj vlastite vrijednosti
bio je zakopan pod teretom tišine
bio je zakopan pod teretom tišine
06:56
that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about,
that I cared about,
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koja me izolirala
od svih do kojih mi je bilo stalo,
od svih do kojih mi je bilo stalo,
07:00
and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger
with misplaced hatred and anger
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a mene su izjedali pogrešno
usmjerene mržnja i ljutnja
usmjerene mržnja i ljutnja
07:02
that I took out on myself.
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koje sam usmjerila na sebe.
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears
of the door in tears
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Jednom sam izjurila van u suzama
07:08
after a fight with a loved one,
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nakon svađe s voljenom osobom
07:10
and I wandered into a café,
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i ušla u lokal,
07:11
where I asked the waitress for a pen.
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gdje sam konobaricu zamolila za olovku.
07:14
I always had a notebook with me,
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Uvijek sam sa sobom imala bilježnicu,
07:16
claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration,
in moments of inspiration,
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tvrdeći da mi je trebala kako bih
zapisala zamisli u trenucima nadahnuća,
zapisala zamisli u trenucima nadahnuća,
07:20
but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting,
to be constantly fidgeting,
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no zapravo sam imala potrebu
stalno se meškoljiti
stalno se meškoljiti
07:24
because in moments of stillness,
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jer bih se u trenucima tišine
07:26
I found myself counting seconds again.
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zatekla kako opet brojim sekunde.
07:30
But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen,
as the words streamed out of my pen,
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Toga sam se dana čudila
riječima koje su tekle iz mene
riječima koje su tekle iz mene
07:35
forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written,
I've ever written,
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stvarajući najvažnije pismo
koje sam ikada napisala,
koje sam ikada napisala,
07:38
addressed to Tom.
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oslovljeno na Toma.
07:40
Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to,
that he subjected me to,
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Zajedno s opisom nasilja
kojemu me podvrgao,
kojemu me podvrgao,
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
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riječi "Želim pronaći oprost"
07:47
stared back at me,
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zurile su u mene,
07:48
surprising nobody more than myself.
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ne iznenađujući nikoga više od mene same.
07:51
But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering,
was my way out of my suffering,
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Duboko u sebi shvaćala sam
da je to moj izlaz iz patnje.
da je to moj izlaz iz patnje.
07:56
because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness,
he deserved my forgiveness,
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Neovisno o tome je li on
zaslužio moj oprost ili nije,
zaslužio moj oprost ili nije,
08:00
I deserved peace.
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ja sam zaslužila mir.
08:03
My era of shame was over.
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Vrijeme srama za mene je završilo.
08:08
Before sending the letter,
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Prije nego što sam poslala pismo,
08:09
I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses,
of negative responses,
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pripremila sam se za sve
oblike negativih odgovora
oblike negativih odgovora
08:12
or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever.
no response whatsoever.
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ili za ono što sam smatrala
najvjerojatnijim: nikakav odgovor.
najvjerojatnijim: nikakav odgovor.
08:17
The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for
that I didn't prepare myself for
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Jedini ishod za koji se nisam pripremila
08:19
was the one that I then got --
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bio je onaj koji sam dobila --
08:22
a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret.
full of disarming regret.
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natipkanu Tomovu ispovijest,
punu razoružavajućeg žaljenja.
punu razoružavajućeg žaljenja.
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence.
had been imprisoned by silence.
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Ispostavilo se da je i on
bio zatočenik šutnje.
bio zatočenik šutnje.
08:32
And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence
of an eight-year-long correspondence
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To je označilo početak
osmogodišnjeg dopisivanja,
osmogodišnjeg dopisivanja,
08:36
that God knows was never easy,
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što nikada nije bilo lako,
08:38
but always honest.
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ali je uvijek bilo iskreno.
08:41
I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
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Oslobodila sam se tereta
koji sam nepravedno nosila,
koji sam nepravedno nosila,
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done.
owned up to what he'd done.
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a on je svesrdno priznao
krivnju za ono što je učinio.
krivnju za ono što je učinio.
08:49
Our written exchanges became a platform
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Naša je korespondencija postala platforma
08:51
to dissect the consequences of that night,
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za seciranje posljedica te noći,
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching
from gut-wrenching
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koje su bile i potresne
08:56
to healing beyond words.
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i neopisivo iscjeljujuće.
08:59
And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me.
closure for me.
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Ipak, nije mi to donijelo mir.
09:04
Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough,
didn't feel personal enough,
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Možda jer dopisivanje preko
interneta nije bilo dovoljno osobno,
interneta nije bilo dovoljno osobno,
09:07
perhaps because it's easy to be brave
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možda jer je lako biti hrabar
09:09
when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet.
screen on the other side of the planet.
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4108
kada se skrivaš iza
računala na drugom kraju svijeta.
računala na drugom kraju svijeta.
09:13
But we'd begun a dialogue
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No započeli smo dijalog
09:15
that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest.
to explore to its fullest.
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i htjela sam to u potpunosti istražiti.
09:20
So, after eight years of writing,
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Nakon osam godina dopisivanja
09:22
and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
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i gotovo 16 godina nakon te strašne noći,
09:25
I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea:
to propose a wild idea:
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skupila sam hrabrost
i predložila nešto ludo:
i predložila nešto ludo:
09:29
that we'd meet up in person
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osobni susret
09:31
and face our past once and for all.
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tijekom kojeg ćemo se suočiti s prošlošću.
09:37
TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this.
are geographically like this.
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TS: Island i Australija
geografski ovako izgledaju.
geografski ovako izgledaju.
09:41
In the middle of the two is South Africa.
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Među njima je Južna Afrika.
09:44
We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
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Odlučili smo se za grad Cape Town,
09:46
and there we met for one week.
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gdje smo se viđali tijekom 7 dana.
09:50
The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment
a stunningly powerful environment
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Sam grad pokazao se
kao iznimno moćno okruženje
kao iznimno moćno okruženje
09:53
to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness.
and forgiveness.
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581920
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za usredotočenost
na pomirenje i oprost.
na pomirenje i oprost.
09:57
Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested
and rapprochement been tested
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585847
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Nigdje iscjeljenje
i ogorčenost nisu toliko iskušavani
i ogorčenost nisu toliko iskušavani
10:00
like it has in South Africa.
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kao u Južnoj Africi.
10:03
As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past,
to sit within the truth of its past,
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Kao nacija, Južna Afrika
nastojala je prihvatiti svoju prošlost
nastojala je prihvatiti svoju prošlost
10:06
and to listen to the details
of its history.
of its history.
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2403
i poslušati detalje svoje povijesti.
10:10
Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us.
that Cape Town had on us.
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3749
Svijest o tome samo je pojačala
učinak koji je Cape Town imao na nas.
učinak koji je Cape Town imao na nas.
10:16
Over the course of this week,
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1462
Tijekom tog tjedna,
10:17
we literally spoke
our life stories to each other,
our life stories to each other,
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jedno drugom
ispričali smo svoju životnu priču
ispričali smo svoju životnu priču
10:20
from start to finish.
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1590
od početka do kraja.
10:23
And this was about analyzing
our own history.
our own history.
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Analizirali smo našu prošlost.
10:27
We followed a strict policy
of being honest,
of being honest,
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Iskrenost je bila pravilo
kojeg smo se strogo pridržavali
kojeg smo se strogo pridržavali
10:30
and this also came
with a certain exposure,
with a certain exposure,
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2925
i to je podrazumijevalo određeno
ogoljavanje,
ogoljavanje,
10:33
an open-chested vulnerability.
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1906
otvorenu ranjivost.
10:36
There were gutting confessions,
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Bile su to bolne ispovijesti
10:38
and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom
absolutely couldn't fathom
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626463
2824
i trenuci u kojim jednostavno
nismo mogli pojmiti
nismo mogli pojmiti
10:41
the other person's experience.
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1808
iskustvo druge osobe.
10:44
The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt,
were spoken aloud and felt,
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4894
O potresnim učincima seksualnog nasilja
govorili smo naglas i osjećali ih,
govorili smo naglas i osjećali ih,
10:49
face to face.
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1330
licem u lice.
10:51
At other times, though,
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639979
1503
Katkad smo pak,
10:53
we found a soaring clarity,
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641506
2634
pronalazili uzvišenu bistrinu
10:57
and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter.
but liberating laughter.
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4400
pa čak i neočekivani,
no oslobađajući smijeh.
no oslobađajući smijeh.
11:03
When it came down to it,
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1530
Jednostavno,
11:04
we did out best to listen
to each other intently.
to each other intently.
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3628
nastojali smo
pažljivo slušati jedno drugo.
pažljivo slušati jedno drugo.
11:09
And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity
were aired with an unfiltered purity
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657404
5841
I naše su osobne stvarnosti
odisale nefiltriranom čistoćom
odisale nefiltriranom čistoćom
11:15
that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul.
than lighten the soul.
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2376
koja nije mogla ništa
osim olakšati naše duše.
osim olakšati naše duše.
11:20
TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion --
is a very human emotion --
216
668508
4045
TE: Želja za osvetom
ljudska je emocija --
ljudska je emocija --
11:24
instinctual, even.
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672577
1638
čak instinktivna.
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years
218
674829
2011
Godinama sam samo željela
11:28
was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me.
as he had hurt me.
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676864
3969
povrijediti Toma onako
kako je on povrijedio mene.
kako je on povrijedio mene.
11:33
But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger,
out of the hatred and anger,
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3053
No da nisam pronašla izlaz
iz mržnje i ljutnje,
iz mržnje i ljutnje,
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
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2165
nisam sigurna da bih danas ovdje stajala.
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way.
my doubts along the way.
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3927
To ne znači da nisam imala dvojbi.
11:44
When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
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3661
Kada je zrakoplov sletio u Cape Town,
11:48
I remember thinking,
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696374
1603
pomislila sam,
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
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698001
4206
"Zašto si jednostavno
ne nađem terapeuta i bocu votke
ne nađem terapeuta i bocu votke
11:54
like a normal person would do?"
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2216
kao što bi učinio netko normalan?"
11:56
(Laughter)
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704471
2920
(Smijeh)
11:59
At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town
for understanding in Cape Town
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707415
3205
Katkad se naša potraga
za razumijevanjem u Cape Townu
za razumijevanjem u Cape Townu
12:02
felt like an impossible quest,
229
710644
2167
činila gotovo nemogućom misijom
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
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712835
2099
i sve što sam željela bilo je odustati
12:06
and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir,
husband, Vidir,
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714958
2216
i vratiti se voljenom suprugu, Vidiru,
12:09
and our son.
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717198
1211
i našem sinu.
12:11
But despite our difficulties,
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719994
2363
No usprkos teškoćama,
12:14
this journey did result
in a victorious feeling
in a victorious feeling
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722381
4628
putovanje je završilo
s pobjednonosnim osjećajem
s pobjednonosnim osjećajem
12:19
that light had triumphed over darkness,
235
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3133
da je svjetlo pobijedilo tamu,
12:22
that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins.
could be built out of the ruins.
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730812
4312
da se nešto konstruktivno
može izgraditi iz ruševina.
može izgraditi iz ruševina.
12:28
I read somewhere
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736572
1325
Negdje sam pročitala
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger.
that you needed when you were younger.
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737921
3861
da trebamo nastojati biti osobe
kakve smo trebali kada smo bili mlađi.
kakve smo trebali kada smo bili mlađi.
12:33
And back when I was a teenager,
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1584
Kada sam bila adolescent,
12:35
I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine,
that the shame wasn't mine,
240
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3848
trebala mi je spoznaja
da sram nije moj,
da sram nije moj,
12:39
that there's hope after rape,
241
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2514
da postoji nada poslije silovanja,
12:41
that you can even find happiness,
242
749824
1595
da je čak moguće pronaći sreću,
12:43
like I share with my husband today.
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751443
1890
kakvu danas dijelim sa svojim suprugom.
12:45
Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town,
upon my return from Cape Town,
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753861
4355
Zato sam grozničavo počela pisati
kada sam se vratila iz Cape Towna,
kada sam se vratila iz Cape Towna,
12:50
resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
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758240
2724
tako je nastala knjiga
koju supotpisujem s Tomom,
koju supotpisujem s Tomom,
12:52
that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends
to people from both ends
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760988
3185
a koja će nadamo se biti korisna
ljudima s obje strane,
ljudima s obje strane,
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
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2304
žrtve i počinitelja.
12:59
If nothing else,
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767180
1454
Ako ništa drugo,
13:00
it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger.
to hear when we were younger.
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768658
4135
to je priča koju smo
trebali čuti kada smo bili mlađi.
trebali čuti kada smo bili mlađi.
13:06
Given the nature of our story,
250
774726
1821
S obzirom na prirodu naše priče,
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably accompany it --
that inevitably accompany it --
251
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2776
postoje riječi kojima
je uvijek popraćena --
je uvijek popraćena --
13:11
victim, rapist --
252
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2556
žrtva, silovatelj --
13:14
and labels are a way to organize concepts,
253
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2255
njima označavamo koncepte,
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations.
in their connotations.
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4382
no mogu biti
dehumanizirajuće u svojim značenjima.
dehumanizirajuće u svojim značenjima.
13:21
Once someone's been deemed a victim,
255
789838
2100
Kada je netko označen kao žrtva,
13:23
it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged,
as someone damaged,
256
791962
5233
puno je lakše strpati ga
u ladicu oštećenoga,
u ladicu oštećenoga,
13:29
dishonored,
257
797219
1506
obeščašćenoga,
13:30
less than.
258
798749
1275
manje vrijednoga.
13:32
And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist,
has been branded a rapist,
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800643
2720
Isto tako, ako je netko
obilježen kao silovatelj,
obilježen kao silovatelj,
13:35
it's that much easier
to call him a monster --
to call him a monster --
260
803387
2546
puno je lakše nazvati ga čudovištem --
13:38
inhuman.
261
806576
1299
neljudskim.
13:40
But how will we understand
what it is in human societies
what it is in human societies
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808614
3031
No kako ćemo razumjeti
što u ljudskom društvu
što u ljudskom društvu
13:43
that produces violence
263
811669
1581
izaziva nasilje,
13:45
if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it?
the humanity of those who commit it?
264
813274
4479
ako odbijamo prepoznati
ljudskost u onima koji nasilje počine?
ljudskost u onima koji nasilje počine?
13:50
And how --
265
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1164
I kako --
13:51
(Applause)
266
819722
2179
(Pljesak)
13:53
And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than?
if we're making them feel less than?
267
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5368
Kako ćemo osnažiti preživjele,
ako se osjećaju manje vrijedno?
ako se osjećaju manje vrijedno?
14:00
How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats
to one of the biggest threats
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828072
3427
Kako ćemo razgovarati o rješenjima
za neke od najvećih prijetnji
za neke od najvećih prijetnji
14:03
to the lives of women and children
around the world,
around the world,
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831523
3274
životima žena i djece diljem svijeta
14:06
if the very words we use
are part of the problem?
are part of the problem?
270
834821
3823
kada su same riječi
koje koristimo dio problema?
koje koristimo dio problema?
14:13
TS: From what I've now learnt,
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2492
TS: Naučio sam iz svega
14:16
my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking.
were a self-centered taking.
272
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4573
da je moje ponašanje te noći 1996.
bilo usredotočeno na mene samoga.
bilo usredotočeno na mene samoga.
14:22
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
273
850028
2123
Osjećao sam da
zaslužujem Thordisino tijelo.
zaslužujem Thordisino tijelo.
14:25
I've had primarily positive
social influences
social influences
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853743
2865
Bio sam izložen pozitivnim
društvenim utjecajima
društvenim utjecajima
14:28
and examples of equitable
behavior around me.
behavior around me.
275
856632
2541
i primjerima ponašanja
utemeljenog na jednakosti.
utemeljenog na jednakosti.
14:31
But on that occasion,
276
859830
1197
No tom prilikom,
14:33
I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
277
861051
2104
poveo sam se za lošim principima.
14:35
The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth,
as having less intrinsic worth,
278
863716
2896
Onima prema kojima su
žene manje vrijedne,
žene manje vrijedne,
14:39
and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
279
867687
4411
a muškarci imaju prešutno
i simboličko pravo na njihova tijela.
i simboličko pravo na njihova tijela.
14:45
These influences I speak of
are external to me, though.
are external to me, though.
280
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3009
Govorim o vanjskim utjecajima.
14:49
And it was only me in that room
making choices,
making choices,
281
877582
2781
U toj sam sobi ja donosio odluke,
14:52
nobody else.
282
880387
1228
nitko drugi.
14:54
When you own something
283
882969
1785
Kada priznaš nešto
14:56
and really square up to your culpability,
284
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2618
i zaista prihvatiš svoju krivnju,
15:00
I do think a surprising thing can happen.
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može se dogoditi nešto iznenađujuće.
15:03
It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
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Nazivam to paradoksom priznanja.
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility.
under the weight of responsibility.
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Mislio sam da ću se slomiti
pod teretom odgovornosti,
pod teretom odgovornosti,
15:10
I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt.
of humanity would be burnt.
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da će potvrda
moje ljudskosti nestati.
moje ljudskosti nestati.
15:14
Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did,
to really own what I did,
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Umjesto toga, ponuđeno
mi je da preuzmem krivnju,
mi je da preuzmem krivnju,
15:19
and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am.
the entirety of who I am.
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no otkrio sam da ona
nije preuzela sve ono što ja jesam.
nije preuzela sve ono što ja jesam.
15:23
Put simply,
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Jednostavno rečeno,
15:24
something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are.
to constitute the sum of who you are.
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nešto što ste učinili
nije nužno zbroj onoga tko ste.
nije nužno zbroj onoga tko ste.
15:30
The noise in my head abated.
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Jenjavala je buka u mojoj glavi.
15:32
The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen,
was starved of oxygen,
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Samosažaljenje kojem sam se
prepustio ostalo je bez kisika
prepustio ostalo je bez kisika
15:37
and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance --
with the clean air of acceptance --
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i zamijenio ga je
čisti zrak prihvaćanja --
čisti zrak prihvaćanja --
15:42
an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me;
this wonderful person standing next to me;
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prihvaćanja činjenice da sam
povrijedio ovu divnu osobu pored mene;
povrijedio ovu divnu osobu pored mene;
15:46
an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
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5599
prihvaćanja da sam dio velike
i svakidašnje skupine muškaraca
i svakidašnje skupine muškaraca
15:52
who have been sexually violent
toward their partners.
toward their partners.
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koji su izložili
partnerice seksualnom nasilju.
partnerice seksualnom nasilju.
15:56
Don't underestimate the power of words.
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Ne podcjenjujte moć riječi.
16:00
Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself,
changed my accord with myself,
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4641
Kada sam rekao Thordis da sam je silovao,
promijenio se moj odnos prema sebi samom,
promijenio se moj odnos prema sebi samom,
16:05
as well as with her.
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1260
kao i prema njoj.
16:07
But most importantly,
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No najvažnije,
16:09
the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
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krivnja je s Thordis prešla na mene.
16:13
Far too often,
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Prečesto
16:14
the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence,
to female survivors of sexual violence,
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4584
odgovornost preuzimaju
žene koje su preživjele seksualno nasilje,
žene koje su preživjele seksualno nasilje,
16:19
and not to the males who enact it.
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a ne muškarci koji su ga počinili.
16:22
Far too often,
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Prečesto
16:23
the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth.
at a great distance from the truth.
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5082
zbog poricanja i bijega
obje strane odu predaleko od istine.
obje strane odu predaleko od istine.
16:30
There's definitely a public
conversation happening now,
conversation happening now,
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2780
Trenutno je aktualna javna rasprava
16:34
and like a lot of people,
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i kao mnogi
16:36
we're heartened
that there's less retreating
that there's less retreating
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2590
drago nam je da je sve manje izbjegavanja
16:39
from this difficult
but important discussion.
but important discussion.
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2720
ove teške, ali važne rasprave.
16:43
I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it.
to add our voices to it.
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3638
Osjećam se odgovornim
da joj pridonesem svojim glasom.
da joj pridonesem svojim glasom.
16:50
TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others.
that we're prescribing for others.
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4659
TE: Ono što smo učinili nije
formula koju propisujemo ostalima.
formula koju propisujemo ostalima.
16:55
Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain
how to handle their deepest pain
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5533
Nitko nema pravo drugome govoriti
kako se nositi s najdubljom boli
kako se nositi s najdubljom boli
17:00
or their greatest error.
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1745
ili najvećom pogrješkom.
17:03
Breaking your silence is never easy,
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2351
Nikada nije lako prekinuti šutnju,
17:05
and depending on where
you are in the world,
you are in the world,
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2214
a ovisno o tome
gdje u svijetu se nalazite,
gdje u svijetu se nalazite,
17:07
it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape.
to speak out about rape.
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3212
može biti i smrtonosno
progovoriti o silovanju.
progovoriti o silovanju.
17:12
I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life
traumatic event of my life
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Uvidjela sam da čak i
najtraumatičniji događaj u mom životu
najtraumatičniji događaj u mom životu
17:16
is still a testament to my privilege,
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2759
svjedoči o mojoj privilegiranosti
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized,
without getting ostracized,
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3230
jer mogu o njemu govoriti,
a da me ne stigmatiziraju
a da me ne stigmatiziraju
17:22
or even killed.
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ili čak ubiju.
17:24
But with that privilege of having a voice
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No s privilegijom prava glasa
17:27
comes the responsibility of using it.
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dolazi i odgovornost
da se to pravo iskoristi.
da se to pravo iskoristi.
17:30
That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't.
my fellow survivors who can't.
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Dugujem to preživjelima
koje nemaju tu privilegiju.
koje nemaju tu privilegiju.
17:36
The story we've just relayed is unique,
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3066
Naša je priča jedinstvena,
17:39
and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic.
violence being a global pandemic.
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4666
a opet i tako uobičajena
jer je seksualno nasilje poput epidemije.
jer je seksualno nasilje poput epidemije.
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
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2405
No ne mora biti tako.
17:47
One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey
on my own healing journey
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Na putu iscjeljenja pomogla mi je
17:50
is educating myself about sexual violence.
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edukacija o seksualnom nasilju.
17:53
And as a result,
I've been reading, writing
I've been reading, writing
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2414
Čitam, pišem
17:55
and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now,
for over a decade now,
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2653
i govorim o ovome više od deset godina,
17:58
going to conferences around the world.
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2552
obilazim konferencije diljem svijeta.
18:01
And in my experience,
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1979
Iz osobnog iskustva,
18:03
the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women.
are almost exclusively women.
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4631
te konferencije posjećuju
gotovo isključivo žene.
gotovo isključivo žene.
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue.
sexual violence as a women's issue.
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6616
Moramo se prestati ponašati kao da je
seksualno nasilje ženski problem.
seksualno nasilje ženski problem.
18:15
(Applause)
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5447
(Pljesak)
18:29
A majority of sexual violence
against women and men
against women and men
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4044
U većini slučajeva seksualnog nasilja
prema ženama i muškarcima
prema ženama i muškarcima
18:33
is perpetrated by men.
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1883
počinitelji su muškarci.
18:35
And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion.
underrepresented in this discussion.
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No oni u ovoj raspravi
gotovo i ne sudjeluju.
gotovo i ne sudjeluju.
18:40
But all of us are needed here.
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3901
Svi se trebaju uključiti.
18:45
Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate
we could alleviate
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Zamislite patnju koju možemo izbjeći
18:49
if we dared to face this issue together.
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usudimo li se zajedno
suočiti s ovim problemom.
suočiti s ovim problemom.
18:54
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
18:56
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - WriterThordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.
Why you should listen
Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.
As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.
Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."
Why you should listen
Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.
Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.
Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com