TEDWomen 2016
Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation
Thordis Elva，Tom Stranger: 强奸与和解：我们的故事
Filmed:
Readability: 4.4
5,570,439 views
1996年，Thordis Elva 和一位来自澳大利亚的交换生 Tom Stranger，情窦初开，发生了一段恋情。在一场校园舞会之后，Tom 强奸了 Thordis。随后，他们则分别了多年。这场非凡的演讲中，Elva 和 Stranger分享了他们多年以来的羞耻感和沉默，并邀请我们，以一种新的、坦诚的方式，探讨性暴力这一全球性话题。与演讲人的问答，请访问 go.ted.com/thordisandtom。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence
and descriptions of sexual violence
0
23
3441
该演讲包含性暴力相关图像语言和描述，
00:15
Viewer discretion is advised]
1
3488
1381
请酌情观看。
Tom Stranger：1996年时，我18岁。
00:16
Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old,
when I was 18 years old,
2
4893
2956
00:19
I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program.
on an international exchange program.
3
7873
3607
我获得了一个国际交换项目的宝贵机会。
00:24
Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
4
12071
3721
但是，我是一个，
更喜欢“适当”寒冷天气的澳大利亚人，
更喜欢“适当”寒冷天气的澳大利亚人，
00:27
so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
5
15816
4859
在我告别父母和兄弟们，
登上去冰岛的飞机时，
登上去冰岛的飞机时，
既激动，也有些伤心。
00:32
after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye.
my parents and brothers goodbye.
6
20699
3223
00:36
I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family
of a beautiful Icelandic family
7
24853
3055
我受到了一个非常友好的冰岛家庭的欢迎，
00:39
who took me hiking,
8
27932
1401
他们带着我徒步旅行，
帮助我了解音调优美的冰岛语。
00:41
and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language.
of the melodic Icelandic language.
9
29357
3091
00:45
I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness.
period of homesickness.
10
33213
2988
起初，对家乡的思念让我有些挣扎。
00:48
I snowboarded after school,
11
36225
1998
我放学后去滑雪，
也睡得很多。
00:50
and I slept a lot.
12
38247
1363
00:52
Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand
that you don't yet fully understand
13
40480
3938
用一门你还没能完全理解的语言，
进行两小时的化学课，
进行两小时的化学课，
00:56
can be a pretty good sedative.
14
44442
1782
可以是一剂不错的“镇定剂”。
（笑声）
00:58
(Laughter)
15
46248
1150
01:00
My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play,
I try out for the school play,
16
48636
2524
我的老师建议，我尝试一下学校的戏剧活动，
01:03
just to get me a bit more socially active.
17
51184
2330
让我能在社交上更加积极一些。
01:06
It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play,
being part of the play,
18
54094
2501
结果，我并未成功入选，
01:08
but through it I met Thordis.
19
56619
1907
但却遇见了 Thordis。
01:11
We shared a lovely teenage romance,
20
59451
2063
我们情窦初开，
01:13
and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands
to just hold hands
21
61538
2494
我们午餐时见面，只是为了牵个手，
在雷克雅未克的旧城中散步。
01:16
and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
22
64056
2146
01:18
I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends.
and she met my friends.
23
66655
3262
我见过了她热情的家人，
她也见过了我的朋友们。
她也见过了我的朋友们。
01:22
We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month
for a bit over a month
24
70675
2774
直到学校的圣诞舞会，
01:25
when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
25
73473
2247
我们萌芽中的关系，
才进行了一个月多一点时间。
才进行了一个月多一点时间。
01:30
Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
and in love for the first time.
26
78052
3284
Thordis Elva：
那时我16岁，第一次恋爱。
那时我16岁，第一次恋爱。
01:33
Going together to the Christmas dance
27
81797
1797
我们一起参加圣诞舞会，
01:35
was a public confirmation
of our relationship,
of our relationship,
28
83618
2797
意味着，我们之间关系的正式公开，
我觉得，我是世界上最幸运的姑娘。
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
girl in the world.
29
86439
2967
不再是一个孩子，
而是一个年轻的女人。
而是一个年轻的女人。
01:41
No longer a child, but a young woman.
30
89430
2577
01:44
High on my newfound maturity,
31
92730
1913
在发现自己变得更加成熟，
而感到激动不已时，
而感到激动不已时，
01:46
I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too.
rum for the first time that night, too.
32
94667
4360
我同时觉得，当晚理应
首次尝尝朗姆酒才是。
首次尝尝朗姆酒才是。
01:51
That was a bad idea.
33
99496
2062
那是一个错误的决定。
01:53
I became very ill,
34
101582
1488
我变得非常不适，
在剧烈呕吐带来的痉挛期间，
01:55
drifting in and out of consciousness
35
103094
1820
时而意识不清。
01:56
in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
36
104938
3125
02:00
The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance,
to call me an ambulance,
37
108087
2964
保安本想帮助我叫一辆救护车，
但 Tom 如同我的英雄一般，
02:03
but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor,
in shining armor,
38
111075
2989
告诉他们，他会送我回家。
02:06
and told them he'd take me home.
39
114088
2035
02:08
It was like a fairy tale,
40
116782
1701
那就像童话故事一样，
他强壮的手臂围绕着我，
02:10
his strong arms around me,
41
118507
1776
把我放在我的床上。
02:12
laying me in the safety of my bed.
42
120307
2291
02:15
But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror
towards him soon turned to horror
43
123602
4527
但接下来，当他脱掉我的衣服，
压在我的身上时，
压在我的身上时，
02:20
as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me.
and get on top of me.
44
128153
4458
我对他的感激，转瞬变成恐惧。
02:25
My head had cleared up,
45
133457
1336
我的脑袋里一片空白，
02:26
but my body was still
too weak to fight back,
too weak to fight back,
46
134817
3127
但我仍旧虚弱的身体，无法反抗，
并且伴随着剧烈的疼痛。
02:29
and the pain was blinding.
47
137968
2334
02:32
I thought I'd be severed in two.
48
140765
2083
我感到我像是会被一分为二。
02:35
In order to stay sane,
49
143804
1575
为了保持清醒，
02:37
I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock.
on my alarm clock.
50
145403
3274
我默默地数着我闹钟上的秒数。
02:41
And ever since that night,
51
149622
1735
从那天晚上开始，
02:43
I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours.
seconds in two hours.
52
151381
5774
我知道了，2个小时中，
一共有7200秒。
一共有7200秒。
02:51
Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks,
and crying for weeks,
53
159140
3238
尽管接下来的很多天中，我都感到浑身无力，
也连续哭了好几周，
也连续哭了好几周，
02:54
this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
54
162402
4406
这件事， 并不符合我对电视报道中
强奸的理解。
强奸的理解。
02:59
Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
55
167361
2021
Tom 并不是一个有武器的精神错乱的人；
03:01
he was my boyfriend.
56
169406
1763
他是我的男朋友。
这件事也并非发生在一条破旧的小巷中，
03:03
And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
57
171193
2609
它发生在我自己的床上。
03:05
it happened in my own bed.
58
173826
2061
03:08
By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape,
what had happened to me as rape,
59
176733
3619
直到我能够意识到，
发生在我身上的是强奸时，
发生在我身上的是强奸时，
03:12
he had completed his exchange program
60
180376
1991
他已经完成了交换项目，
回到了澳大利亚。
03:14
and left for Australia.
61
182391
1555
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened.
to address what had happened.
62
184532
3643
所以，我告诉自己，
再去强调已经发生的事没有意义。
再去强调已经发生的事没有意义。
03:20
And besides,
63
188199
1185
此外，
某种程度上来说，我一定也有错。
03:21
it had to have been my fault, somehow.
64
189408
2595
03:24
I was raised in a world
where girls are taught
where girls are taught
65
192685
2305
我从小接受的教育认为，
03:27
that they get raped for a reason.
66
195014
2162
女孩被强奸一定有其原因。
03:29
Their skirt was too short,
67
197784
2565
她们的裙子太短，
03:32
their smile was too wide,
68
200373
2494
她们的笑得过于开心，
她们散发着酒气。
03:34
their breath smelled of alcohol.
69
202891
2418
03:38
And I was guilty of all of those things,
70
206017
2766
我对所有这些都感到内疚，
03:40
so the shame had to be mine.
71
208807
2050
所以，我应当感到羞愧。
03:43
It took me years to realize
72
211675
1424
我花了很多年的时间，才意识到
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night,
from being raped that night,
73
213123
3911
那天晚上，唯一能阻止我被侵犯的，
不是我的裙子，
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt,
74
217058
2142
不是我的笑容，
03:51
it wasn't my smile,
75
219224
1950
更不是我幼稚的信任。
03:53
it wasn't my childish trust.
76
221198
2196
03:55
The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night
from being raped that night
77
223832
3734
唯一能够阻止我在那天晚上被侵犯的，
03:59
is the man who raped me --
78
227590
2050
是强奸我的那个男人——
能够阻止他自己。
04:01
had he stopped himself.
79
229664
2013
04:04
TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
80
232729
2111
Tom Stranger：因为喝了酒，
04:07
the after effects of drinking,
81
235716
2314
我对第二天的记忆很模糊，
04:10
a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle.
that I tried to stifle.
82
238054
2789
我试图扼制住一种空虚感。
04:13
Nothing more.
83
241631
1214
没有更多。
04:15
But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
84
243745
2291
但是，我并没有出现在 Thordis 的家门口。
04:19
It is important to now state
85
247409
1806
现在，需要重点说明的是，
04:21
that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
86
249239
2500
当时我并未认识到我行为的实质。
04:24
The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've,
around my mind as it should've,
87
252658
3048
“强奸”这两个字，并未如其应当的那样，
在我脑海中不断浮现，
在我脑海中不断浮现，
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before.
with memories of the night before.
88
256639
3295
我也并未因为昨晚发生的事情折磨自己。
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
89
261524
2374
那不太像是，一种有意识的拒绝，
更像是对现实的认知，遇到了阻碍。
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden.
of reality was forbidden.
90
263922
3359
04:40
My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition
refuted any recognition
91
268365
4114
我对自身行为的定义，完全击败了
我对给 Thordis 造成巨大伤害的认知。
04:44
of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
92
272503
2277
04:48
To be honest,
93
276454
1403
诚实地说，
04:49
I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards
in the days afterwards
94
277881
4094
无论是在事情发生后的那些天，
还是当时，
还是当时，
04:54
and when I was committing it.
95
282758
1520
我否认自己的整个行为。
04:57
I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape.
myself it was sex and not rape.
96
285443
4509
我说服自己，那是一场性爱而非强奸，
并以此否认事实。
并以此否认事实。
05:02
And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for.
spine-bending guilt for.
97
290788
3866
这个谎言，让我承受了巨大的罪恶感。
05:08
I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later,
a couple of days later,
98
296174
2247
不久之后，我和 Thordis 分了手，
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
99
298445
1644
那年，在冰岛剩下的时间里，
我时常见到她，
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland,
of my year in Iceland,
100
300113
2058
每次我都感到异常沉重。
05:14
feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time.
of heavyheartedness each time.
101
302195
2893
05:18
Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong.
something immeasurably wrong.
102
306314
3962
内心深处，我知道
我已经犯了无法估量的错误。
我已经犯了无法估量的错误。
05:23
But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep,
I sunk the memories deep,
103
311326
3023
但是，我并未因此而做些什么，
而是把记忆深深掩埋。
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
104
314373
1781
05:30
What followed is a nine-year period
105
318215
1746
接下来的九年，
05:31
that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running."
as "Denial and Running."
106
319985
3138
可以被称作：“否认和逃避”。
05:36
When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused,
the real torment that I caused,
107
324010
4479
当我有机会去认识到，
由我引起的真实的痛苦时，
由我引起的真实的痛苦时，
我并没能足够冷静地去面对。
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
108
328513
2243
05:44
Whether it be via distraction,
109
332102
2057
无论是通过分散注意力，
滥用药物，
05:46
substance use,
110
334183
1476
寻求刺激，
05:47
thrill-seeking
111
335683
1618
05:49
or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak,
of my inner speak,
112
337325
3349
或者是，小心谨慎地
关注我内心的想法，
关注我内心的想法，
我拒绝，保持冷静和沉默。
05:52
I refused to be static and silent.
113
340698
2269
05:56
And with this noise,
114
344927
1460
除了这个“噪音”之外，
05:58
I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life
upon other parts of my life
115
346411
2969
我还不断地，拼凑我生活中的其他部分，
来解答，“我是谁”这个问题。
06:01
to construct a picture of who I was.
116
349404
2171
06:04
I was a surfer,
117
352636
1230
我是一个冲浪运动员，
06:05
a social science student,
118
353890
1717
一个学习社会科学的学生，
一些好人的朋友，
06:07
a friend to good people,
119
355631
2086
一个被爱着的兄弟和儿子，
06:09
a loved brother and son,
120
357741
2258
06:12
an outdoor recreation guide,
121
360023
1552
一本“户外娱乐指南”，
最终，也是一个青年工作者。
06:13
and eventually, a youth worker.
122
361599
1563
06:16
I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person.
that I wasn't a bad person.
123
364119
4002
我坚持认为，我并不是一个坏人。
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones.
124
369460
2080
我并不认为，我天生就是这样的人。
06:24
I thought I was made up of something else.
125
372129
2070
我想，我本应该是另一个样子。
06:26
In my nurtured upbringing,
126
374608
1560
在对我的培养和教育中，
我充满爱的家人和榜样，
我身边的人们，
我身边的人们，
06:28
my loving extended family and role models,
127
376192
2346
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine
128
379586
1935
都尊重女性，
06:33
in their respect shown towards women.
129
381545
1895
对待女性都温暖而真诚。
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself,
this dark corner of myself,
130
384717
4826
我花了很长时间，才能面对
我自身的这个黑暗角落，
我自身的这个黑暗角落，
并开始发问。
06:41
and to ask it questions.
131
389567
1634
06:46
TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
132
394231
1975
Thordis Elva：圣诞舞会过去9年后，
我25岁，
06:48
I was 25 years old,
133
396230
1481
并且将要经历一场精神崩溃。
06:49
and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown.
for a nervous breakdown.
134
397735
2567
06:53
My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence
under a soul-crushing load of silence
135
401098
3624
我的自我价值，被埋葬在，
让灵魂不堪重负的寂静之中，
让灵魂不堪重负的寂静之中，
它把我和我关心的人们隔离开，
06:56
that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about,
that I cared about,
136
404746
3292
我错误地，对自己发泄的怨恨和愤怒，
07:00
and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger
with misplaced hatred and anger
137
408062
2905
将我消耗殆尽。
07:02
that I took out on myself.
138
410991
1764
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears
of the door in tears
139
413635
2610
一天，和一位我爱的人发生争执之后，
07:08
after a fight with a loved one,
140
416269
1943
我哭着冲出门去，
07:10
and I wandered into a café,
141
418236
1699
我走进一家咖啡店，
找女服务生要了一支笔。
07:11
where I asked the waitress for a pen.
142
419959
2082
07:14
I always had a notebook with me,
143
422648
1846
我总是带着一个笔记本电脑，
07:16
claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration,
in moments of inspiration,
144
424518
3733
声称，是为了捕捉一些灵感的瞬间，
但事实上，
是因为我需要随着都做点什么，
是因为我需要随着都做点什么，
07:20
but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting,
to be constantly fidgeting,
145
428275
4230
因为在安静下来的时候，
07:24
because in moments of stillness,
146
432529
1887
我发现，我又会开始数秒数。
07:26
I found myself counting seconds again.
147
434440
2645
07:30
But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen,
as the words streamed out of my pen,
148
438071
5009
但那天，我惊讶地发现，
07:35
forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written,
I've ever written,
149
443104
3061
我写下了，
给 Tom 的信中，最关键的一封。
07:38
addressed to Tom.
150
446189
1534
07:40
Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to,
that he subjected me to,
151
448295
3540
在信中，除了描述他曾让我遭受的暴力，
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
152
451859
3183
我还写下，“我希望能够宽恕”
这句话像是盯着我，
07:47
stared back at me,
153
455066
1484
07:48
surprising nobody more than myself.
154
456574
2415
我比任何人都感到惊讶。
07:51
But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering,
was my way out of my suffering,
155
459580
4686
但内心深处，我意识到，
这能够让我从痛苦中解脱，
这能够让我从痛苦中解脱，
07:56
because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness,
he deserved my forgiveness,
156
464290
4037
因为，无论他是否值得得到我的宽恕，
我值得获得平静。
08:00
I deserved peace.
157
468351
2486
08:03
My era of shame was over.
158
471347
3000
我这个充满羞耻的时期，已经过去。
08:08
Before sending the letter,
159
476172
1499
发出信件之前，
08:09
I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses,
of negative responses,
160
477695
2747
我设想着，各种可能的消极回复，
08:12
or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever.
no response whatsoever.
161
480466
3747
或者，我认为最后可能的是，没有回复。
08:17
The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for
that I didn't prepare myself for
162
485216
2747
我唯一没能预料到的，
08:19
was the one that I then got --
163
487987
2229
是我收到的这封——
08:22
a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret.
full of disarming regret.
164
490240
4911
表达忏悔的信，来自 Tom，
满是毫无防备的悔恨。
满是毫无防备的悔恨。
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence.
had been imprisoned by silence.
165
495618
4087
事实上，他同样，
也一直被“囚禁”于沉默之中。
也一直被“囚禁”于沉默之中。
08:32
And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence
of an eight-year-long correspondence
166
500354
4050
这成了我们之间，
随后一段长达8年时间通信的起点，
随后一段长达8年时间通信的起点，
08:36
that God knows was never easy,
167
504428
2424
上帝知道，这并不容易，
但我们一直是坦诚的。
08:38
but always honest.
168
506876
2168
08:41
I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
169
509717
3587
我卸下了我本不应承担的重负，
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done.
owned up to what he'd done.
170
513328
3408
他，同样的，由衷地承认他的所作所为。
08:49
Our written exchanges became a platform
171
517415
2272
我们的书面交流，成了一个平台，
08:51
to dissect the consequences of that night,
172
519711
2717
去剖析，那个晚上对我们的影响，
这些交流，有时令人感到极度痛苦，
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching
from gut-wrenching
173
522452
2195
有时，却也带来超越语言的治愈。
08:56
to healing beyond words.
174
524671
2554
08:59
And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me.
closure for me.
175
527613
3936
但对我而言，一切并未终结。
09:04
Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough,
didn't feel personal enough,
176
532358
3482
也许，是因为电子邮件的形式，
并不够私人化，
并不够私人化，
09:07
perhaps because it's easy to be brave
177
535864
1911
也许，是因为躲藏在地球另一边的电脑屏幕前，
09:09
when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet.
screen on the other side of the planet.
178
537799
4108
勇敢，变得容易一些。
但我们开始了一个对话，
09:13
But we'd begun a dialogue
179
541931
1786
我认为，有必要由此来探索所有的可能性。
09:15
that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest.
to explore to its fullest.
180
543741
3766
09:20
So, after eight years of writing,
181
548072
2065
所以，在通信8年之后，
09:22
and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
182
550161
3706
距离那个可怕的夜晚，接近16年之后，
我鼓起勇气，提出了一个大胆的想法：
09:25
I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea:
to propose a wild idea:
183
553891
3831
我们应该见面，
09:29
that we'd meet up in person
184
557746
1660
面对我们的过去，一次性解决。
09:31
and face our past once and for all.
185
559430
2831
09:37
TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this.
are geographically like this.
186
565171
3193
TS：冰岛和澳大利亚的地理位置，
像是这样。
像是这样。
09:41
In the middle of the two is South Africa.
187
569250
2247
在两者中间，是南非。
09:44
We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
188
572046
2905
我们决定，在南非的开普敦，
09:46
and there we met for one week.
189
574975
2044
进行一周时间的见面。
09:50
The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment
a stunningly powerful environment
190
578426
3470
事实证明，这座城市本身，
有着令人惊奇的强大氛围，
有着令人惊奇的强大氛围，
09:53
to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness.
and forgiveness.
191
581920
2884
它能够帮助人们，专注于和解和宽恕。
09:57
Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested
and rapprochement been tested
192
585847
2639
没有其他地方像南非一样，
10:00
like it has in South Africa.
193
588510
1634
有着历经检验的治愈力量和友好氛围。
10:03
As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past,
to sit within the truth of its past,
194
591036
3867
作为一个国家，南非面对真实的过去，
10:06
and to listen to the details
of its history.
of its history.
195
594927
2403
尊重历史的细节。
10:10
Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us.
that Cape Town had on us.
196
598819
3749
了解这些，更是加大了开普敦对我们的影响。
10:16
Over the course of this week,
197
604006
1462
在这一周里，
10:17
we literally spoke
our life stories to each other,
our life stories to each other,
198
605492
2890
由始至终，
我们相互倾诉着，各自生活中的故事。
10:20
from start to finish.
199
608406
1590
10:23
And this was about analyzing
our own history.
our own history.
200
611305
2500
这就是，对我们自身过往的分析。
10:27
We followed a strict policy
of being honest,
of being honest,
201
615568
2833
我们遵守，严格诚实的规则，
10:30
and this also came
with a certain exposure,
with a certain exposure,
202
618425
2925
而这也带来了，一定程度的暴露，
一种因推心置腹，而带来的脆弱感。
10:33
an open-chested vulnerability.
203
621374
1906
10:36
There were gutting confessions,
204
624312
2127
这其中，有深刻的忏悔，
10:38
and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom
absolutely couldn't fathom
205
626463
2824
以及，我们绝对无法完全了解的，
另一个人所经历的瞬间。
10:41
the other person's experience.
206
629311
1808
10:44
The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt,
were spoken aloud and felt,
207
632258
4894
性暴力所带来的巨大影响，
被面对面地，表达和感知。
10:49
face to face.
208
637176
1330
10:51
At other times, though,
209
639979
1503
在其他时间里，
10:53
we found a soaring clarity,
210
641506
2634
一些问题得以快速明晰，
10:57
and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter.
but liberating laughter.
211
645164
4400
我们甚至会意外地，发出释怀的笑声。
11:03
When it came down to it,
212
651250
1530
实际上，
11:04
we did out best to listen
to each other intently.
to each other intently.
213
652804
3628
我们尽全力，认真地彼此聆听。
11:09
And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity
were aired with an unfiltered purity
214
657404
5841
我们各自的现实生活，像是被纯净的空气，
11:15
that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul.
than lighten the soul.
215
663269
2376
点亮了灵魂。
11:20
TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion --
is a very human emotion --
216
668508
4045
Thordis Elva：想要报复，
是一种人类非常自然的情绪——
是一种人类非常自然的情绪——
11:24
instinctual, even.
217
672577
1638
甚至，是一种本能。
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years
218
674829
2011
这么多年，我最想做的，
11:28
was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me.
as he had hurt me.
219
676864
3969
就是深深地伤害Tom，像他曾伤害我那样。
11:33
But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger,
out of the hatred and anger,
220
681658
3053
但是，如果我未曾，
从由此而生的怨恨和愤怒中解脱，
从由此而生的怨恨和愤怒中解脱，
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
221
684735
2165
我不确信，我今天能够站在这里。
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way.
my doubts along the way.
222
688058
3927
那不是说，
这一路上，我不曾有过疑虑。
这一路上，我不曾有过疑虑。
11:44
When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
223
692689
3661
当飞机降落，
颠簸在开普敦的着陆带上时，
颠簸在开普敦的着陆带上时，
11:48
I remember thinking,
224
696374
1603
我记得，我在想，
“为什么我不像一个正常人会做的那样，
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
225
698001
4206
找一个按摩师，再买一瓶伏特加？”
11:54
like a normal person would do?"
226
702231
2216
（笑声）
11:56
(Laughter)
227
704471
2920
有时，我们在开普敦，
寻求彼此理解这件事，
寻求彼此理解这件事，
11:59
At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town
for understanding in Cape Town
228
707415
3205
像是一个不可能的探索，
12:02
felt like an impossible quest,
229
710644
2167
而我只想放弃，
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
230
712835
2099
回到我亲爱的丈夫 Vidir，
12:06
and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir,
husband, Vidir,
231
714958
2216
和我们的儿子身边。
12:09
and our son.
232
717198
1211
12:11
But despite our difficulties,
233
719994
2363
尽管，存在困难，
12:14
this journey did result
in a victorious feeling
in a victorious feeling
234
722381
4628
但这趟旅程，
的确带来了一种胜利的感受，
的确带来了一种胜利的感受，
12:19
that light had triumphed over darkness,
235
727033
3133
像是光亮战胜了黑暗，
12:22
that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins.
could be built out of the ruins.
236
730812
4312
废墟之中，得以建立一些益处。
12:28
I read somewhere
237
736572
1325
我在某处读到，
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger.
that you needed when you were younger.
238
737921
3861
你应当尝试并成为，
你年轻的时候，需要的那个人。
你年轻的时候，需要的那个人。
当我年少时，
12:33
And back when I was a teenager,
239
741806
1584
我本应需要知道，我无需感到羞耻，
12:35
I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine,
that the shame wasn't mine,
240
743414
3848
12:39
that there's hope after rape,
241
747286
2514
被强奸之后，仍有希望，
你甚至能够找到幸福，
12:41
that you can even find happiness,
242
749824
1595
像我同我丈夫分享的一样。
12:43
like I share with my husband today.
243
751443
1890
12:45
Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town,
upon my return from Cape Town,
244
753861
4355
因此，从开普敦一回来，
我开始兴奋地写作，
我开始兴奋地写作，
12:50
resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
245
758240
2724
最终，形成一本和 Tom 共同完成的书，
我们希望这本书，
12:52
that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends
to people from both ends
246
760988
3185
无论对犯罪者还是幸存者，
都有帮助。
都有帮助。
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
247
764197
2304
12:59
If nothing else,
248
767180
1454
至少，
13:00
it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger.
to hear when we were younger.
249
768658
4135
这也是一个，
在我们年少时，需要去了解的故事。
在我们年少时，需要去了解的故事。
13:06
Given the nature of our story,
250
774726
1821
考虑到，这个故事的性质，
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably accompany it --
that inevitably accompany it --
251
776571
2776
我知道，有一些词语，
将不可避免地，伴随它——
将不可避免地，伴随它——
13:11
victim, rapist --
252
779933
2556
受害人，强奸犯——
13:14
and labels are a way to organize concepts,
253
782513
2255
标签是组织概念的一种方法，
但他们也可能因其内涵，被非人性化。
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations.
in their connotations.
254
784792
4382
13:21
Once someone's been deemed a victim,
255
789838
2100
一旦，某人被认定为一个受害人，
13:23
it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged,
as someone damaged,
256
791962
5233
他们就更加容易被归类为，被伤害，
13:29
dishonored,
257
797219
1506
遭受羞辱，
低人一等的。
13:30
less than.
258
798749
1275
13:32
And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist,
has been branded a rapist,
259
800643
2720
同样，一旦某人被打上强奸犯的烙印，
13:35
it's that much easier
to call him a monster --
to call him a monster --
260
803387
2546
就更加容易称其为，怪物——
13:38
inhuman.
261
806576
1299
非人类。
13:40
But how will we understand
what it is in human societies
what it is in human societies
262
808614
3031
但是，如果我们拒绝去认识，
犯罪一方的人性之处，
犯罪一方的人性之处，
13:43
that produces violence
263
811669
1581
我们如何能够理解，
人类社会中，究竟是什么在制造暴力？
13:45
if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it?
the humanity of those who commit it?
264
813274
4479
13:50
And how --
265
818534
1164
并且，
（掌声）
13:51
(Applause)
266
819722
2179
如果，我们总是让幸存者，觉得自己低人一等，
我们又如何给予他们力量呢？
我们又如何给予他们力量呢？
13:53
And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than?
if we're making them feel less than?
267
821925
5368
14:00
How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats
to one of the biggest threats
268
828072
3427
如果我们使用的词语，就是问题的一部分，
14:03
to the lives of women and children
around the world,
around the world,
269
831523
3274
面对这个全球范围内，
对妇女和儿童生命的最大威胁之一，
对妇女和儿童生命的最大威胁之一，
我们如何找到解决方案呢？
14:06
if the very words we use
are part of the problem?
are part of the problem?
270
834821
3823
14:13
TS: From what I've now learnt,
271
841786
2492
Tom Stranger：现在，我已经意识到，
14:16
my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking.
were a self-centered taking.
272
844302
4573
1996年那个晚上，我作出的，
是一个以自我为中心的行为。
是一个以自我为中心的行为。
14:22
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
273
850028
2123
我认为，我应当得到 Thordis 的身体。
14:25
I've had primarily positive
social influences
social influences
274
853743
2865
我身边，一直以来，
主要都是积极的社会影响，
主要都是积极的社会影响，
14:28
and examples of equitable
behavior around me.
behavior around me.
275
856632
2541
以及公平作为的例子，
14:31
But on that occasion,
276
859830
1197
但在那个场合，
14:33
I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
277
861051
2104
我却选择利用消极的那些。
14:35
The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth,
as having less intrinsic worth,
278
863716
2896
它们把女性看做，有（比男性）更少内在价值，
14:39
and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
279
867687
4411
认为男性对女性的身体，
有着不言自明、象征性的权利。
有着不言自明、象征性的权利。
14:45
These influences I speak of
are external to me, though.
are external to me, though.
280
873781
3009
尽管，我提到的这些影响，
并不来自我本身。
并不来自我本身。
14:49
And it was only me in that room
making choices,
making choices,
281
877582
2781
但只有我自己，
在那个房间里，作出了选择，
在那个房间里，作出了选择，
14:52
nobody else.
282
880387
1228
而非其他人。
14:54
When you own something
283
882969
1785
当你拥有一些什么，
14:56
and really square up to your culpability,
284
884778
2618
让你真正地有决心面对罪恶感时，
15:00
I do think a surprising thing can happen.
285
888259
2323
我认为，的确可能发生，
令人惊讶的事情。
令人惊讶的事情。
15:03
It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
286
891249
2307
这就是我说的，拥有所带来的矛盾。
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility.
under the weight of responsibility.
287
894989
2792
我原以为，我会背负责任的重担。
15:10
I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt.
of humanity would be burnt.
288
898377
2883
我原以为，我人性的证明将付之一炬。
15:14
Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did,
to really own what I did,
289
902476
3746
相反，我却被给予机会，
去真正承认我曾做过的事情，
去真正承认我曾做过的事情，
15:19
and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am.
the entirety of who I am.
290
907148
3260
然后发现，那并不能完整地体现，我是谁。
15:23
Put simply,
291
911460
1361
简单地说，
15:24
something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are.
to constitute the sum of who you are.
292
912845
4516
你曾做过的事，并不必然会构成你的全部。
15:30
The noise in my head abated.
293
918659
1658
我脑中的噪音变少。
15:32
The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen,
was starved of oxygen,
294
920951
4028
曾经被放纵的自怨自艾，像是极度缺氧，
15:37
and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance --
with the clean air of acceptance --
295
925003
4473
而它，却被如清新空气一般的接受，所替代——
15:42
an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me;
this wonderful person standing next to me;
296
930658
4284
接受，我的确伤害了，
站在我身边的这位美好的女性；
站在我身边的这位美好的女性；
15:46
an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
297
934966
5599
接受，我同样属于日常生活中，
一直对伴侣有性暴力的、
一直对伴侣有性暴力的、
庞大且令人惊讶的、男性的一员。
15:52
who have been sexually violent
toward their partners.
toward their partners.
298
940589
2682
15:56
Don't underestimate the power of words.
299
944931
2409
不要低估了，语言的力量。
16:00
Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself,
changed my accord with myself,
300
948372
4641
向Thordis承认是我侵犯了她，
改变了我的自我认知，
改变了我的自我认知，
16:05
as well as with her.
301
953037
1260
也改变了我对她的认知。
16:07
But most importantly,
302
955517
1472
但最重要的，
16:09
the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
303
957013
3076
责备从 Thordis 转向了我。
16:13
Far too often,
304
961331
1151
常见的是，
性暴力中的责任，被归咎于女性幸存者，
16:14
the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence,
to female survivors of sexual violence,
305
962506
4584
16:19
and not to the males who enact it.
306
967114
2511
而非，作出性暴力行为的男性。
16:22
Far too often,
307
970736
1150
常见的是，
16:23
the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth.
at a great distance from the truth.
308
971910
5082
拒绝和逃避，让各方离真相越来越远。
16:30
There's definitely a public
conversation happening now,
conversation happening now,
309
978984
2780
目前，已经有更多关于此的公众讨论，
16:34
and like a lot of people,
310
982371
2179
像很多人一样，
由于，大家变得更少逃避，
这一艰难却重要的讨论，
这一艰难却重要的讨论，
16:36
we're heartened
that there's less retreating
that there's less retreating
311
984574
2590
16:39
from this difficult
but important discussion.
but important discussion.
312
987188
2720
我们，因此得到鼓励。
16:43
I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it.
to add our voices to it.
313
991028
3638
我感到，有责任加入我们的声音。
16:50
TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others.
that we're prescribing for others.
314
998072
4659
Thordis Elva：我们所做的，不是从他人学来的公式。
16:55
Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain
how to handle their deepest pain
315
1003182
5533
没有人有权利，告诉任何其他人，
如何处理，内心深处的痛苦，
如何处理，内心深处的痛苦，
或者是，犯过的，最大的错误。
17:00
or their greatest error.
316
1008739
1745
17:03
Breaking your silence is never easy,
317
1011336
2351
打破沉默，总是不容易的，
17:05
and depending on where
you are in the world,
you are in the world,
318
1013711
2214
它取决于，你在这个世界所处的地方，
在一些地方，可能公开谈及强奸，
甚至会带来致命的后果。
甚至会带来致命的后果。
17:07
it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape.
to speak out about rape.
319
1015949
3212
17:12
I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life
traumatic event of my life
320
1020088
4066
我意识到，即使是我生命中，
最具创伤性的事件，
最具创伤性的事件，
17:16
is still a testament to my privilege,
321
1024178
2759
仍然，是我拥有特权的证明。
因为，我能够谈论它，而不会被排斥，
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized,
without getting ostracized,
322
1026961
3230
更不会被杀害。
17:22
or even killed.
323
1030215
1348
17:24
But with that privilege of having a voice
324
1032293
2929
但是，虽然，我拥有这项发声的特权，
17:27
comes the responsibility of using it.
325
1035246
2858
随之而来的是，还有使用它的责任。
17:30
That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't.
my fellow survivors who can't.
326
1038733
4530
这至少是，我能为，和我一样、
却不能发声的幸存者们所做的。
却不能发声的幸存者们所做的。
17:36
The story we've just relayed is unique,
327
1044841
3066
我们接连讲述的这个故事，是独一无二的，
17:39
and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic.
violence being a global pandemic.
328
1047931
4666
但是，在性暴力正成为一个全球性现象的背景下，
又是如此平常。
又是如此平常。
但并不一定会如此。
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
329
1052621
2405
17:47
One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey
on my own healing journey
330
1055741
3016
在我自己的治愈过程中，我发现一件有用的事，
就是对性暴力，进行自我教育。
17:50
is educating myself about sexual violence.
331
1058781
2648
17:53
And as a result,
I've been reading, writing
I've been reading, writing
332
1061453
2414
事实上，这十多年间，
我一直在进行，
针对这一话题的阅读、写作和演讲，
针对这一话题的阅读、写作和演讲，
17:55
and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now,
for over a decade now,
333
1063891
2653
参加全球的各种会议。
17:58
going to conferences around the world.
334
1066568
2552
以我的经验看来，
18:01
And in my experience,
335
1069144
1979
这类会议的参会人，大多只有女性。
18:03
the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women.
are almost exclusively women.
336
1071147
4631
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue.
sexual violence as a women's issue.
337
1077013
6616
是时候，我们停止，
把性暴力，只当做一个女性议题了。
把性暴力，只当做一个女性议题了。
18:15
(Applause)
338
1083653
5447
（掌声）
18:29
A majority of sexual violence
against women and men
against women and men
339
1097069
4044
大多数，针对女性和男性的性暴力，
18:33
is perpetrated by men.
340
1101137
1883
是由男性进行。
在（关于性暴力的）讨论中，
他们的声音却极少出现。
他们的声音却极少出现。
18:35
And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion.
underrepresented in this discussion.
341
1103044
4408
18:40
But all of us are needed here.
342
1108842
3901
我们所有人的观点，都是被需要的。
18:45
Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate
we could alleviate
343
1113744
3885
设想，如果我们敢于，
共同面对这一问题，
共同面对这一问题，
有多少痛苦，可以被缓解。
18:49
if we dared to face this issue together.
344
1117653
3934
18:54
Thank you.
345
1122880
1158
谢谢。
18:56
(Applause)
346
1124062
4267
（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - WriterThordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.
Why you should listen
Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.
As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.
Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."
Why you should listen
Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.
Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.
Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com